The Monkees Season 2 Quotes
Micky: We gotta get out of here!
Davy: But Angelita!
Mike: Angelita? Are you kiddin’, man? You heard what that guy said; that’s El Diablo’s girl, and if he catches you with her, he’ll kill you!
Davy: Well, every couple has its problems, you know.
Mike: Wait a minute, don’t you think maybe we oughta take something out with us, like a club card or some badges?
Micky: Badges? We don’t need no stinking badges!
El Diablo: They call me El Diablo, also known as the Bandit Without A Heart!
Micky: They call me El Dolenzio, also known as the Bandit Without A Soul!
Mike: And they call me El Nesmito, also known as the Bandit Without No… Wi-without Any Conscience.
Peter: And they call me El Torko, the Bandit uh… Without A Nickname.
Peter: Uh, buenos días, el guardo. Uh, como va? Uh, yo guardero el prisonero usted of uh, oh, party-o.
Bandit: Yes, yes?
Peter: Uh, El Diablo, uh, lots of food, uh, there’s a party, uh, fiesta, lots of carryin’-ons, uh, over the hill.
Davy: Oh no, no, Mr. Bandit, please, I didn’t mean it, honestly. It was a joke, honestly.
Peter: Davy, it’s me, Peter.
Davy: Peter who?
Peter: Peter Tork.
Davy: Oh, Peter!
[Davy is tied to the tree]
Peter: How do you untie a square knot?
Davy: Square knot, uh, let me see, oh yeah, yeah. You know the knot? Well, there’s a loop underneath it. Peter, my finger, don’t pull on my finger, will ya?
Davy: Stick it through the figure eight! Now do it, will ya? Now underneath, you see, you see the string hanging down, the one that’s criss-crossed like a figure—well, you kn—an eight, an eight… it’s like, it’s shaped like this
[Davy draws a figure eight shape in the air, then puts his hand behind the tree]
Davy: An eight! You got that? Well, anyway, you take that, and you take the loose end. Been here for twenty-five minutes!
Mike: El Dolenzio, wha-what you’re doing?
Micky: I’m just trying to mingle!
[Mike and Micky arrive]
Peter: Mr. Bandit, please don’t!
Micky: Don’t what? It’s Mike and M… I mean, it’s Micky and Mike.
Peter: Micky and Mike who?
Micky: “Micky and Mike who?!”
Mike: You know “Micky and Mike who”. What do you say “Micky and Mike who?” for?
Peter: Well, Davy did it to me.
Mike: Look, man, you’ve been challenged! What are you gonna do?
Micky: What am I gonna do? Micky Dolenz in a challenge? What do you think I’ll do?
Mike: You’re gonna split!
Peter: Are you scared?
Micky: No, I’m not scared; I’ll welcome this duel. The symbol of good against the symbol of evil, and I know I’m gonna be the victor.
Davy: Because the symbol of good always wins?
Micky: No, because the lead in a television series always wins.
Micky: Hey Pete! Hey, you missed the big hold-up scene!
Mike: Yeah, the movie scene!
Peter: Yeah, I know, man; I went to stage one at two o’clock instead of stage two at one.
Sergeant: Alright, Monkees. Come on out. We know you’re in there.
Micky: Hey, what do they want us for?
Peter: Oh, that library book—it’s a week overdue!
[watching the hidden camera tape from the bank]
Davy: I thought this was gonna be in color!
Micky: Hey, if I’da known this was gonna be in black and white, I wouldn’ta done it.
Micky: I’m glad you cut out the part where I tripped, ’cause that wasn’t a very good scene at all.
Davy: We were shootin’ a movie. Some cat came up and said, ’You wanna shoot a movie?’. We said, “Yeah, we shoot a movie”. So we shot a movie.
Mike: W-well, y’s-see, it’s like I told ya, but we thought we were, we were doin’ a movie.
Sergeant: Still stickin’ to that story, huh? Well, if you know what’s good for you, you’ll change your tune.
[Mike plays the harmonica]
Mike [in a high voice]: Well, it’s like I told ya, we thought we were doin’ a movie.
Davy: Even Peter thinks we’re guilty.
Peter: I don’t think you’re guilty; I just don’t see how you could possibly be innocent.
Harvey: Hey, what are you doing here?
Peter: I can’t tell you that.
Harvey: I’ll make you a big movie star.
Peter: No, I still can’t tell you.
Harvey: I get it; you’re snooping!
Peter: You guessed!
Davy: Tell me, has the princess ever had a crush on anyone before?
Shazar: Yes, there was a boy like you once. She loved him, but he rejected her.
Davy: Oh. Does she still see him?
Shazar: Oh yes. She visits him every week and puts a wreath on his grave.
Davy: This king kidnapped me, and he wants me to marry his daughter!
Micky: Nice looking?
Davy: Well, you know he’s not bad—
Micky: No, no, his daughter, his daughter.
[King Hassar Yaduin brings in a model of a temple]
Davy: What’s that, what’s that?
King Hassar Yaduin : This is where you would live.
Mike: That’s a little small, isn’t it?
Davy: I’m gonna make you the Director of Forests. How about that?
Peter: You would.
[Shazar takes a bite of the food]
Peter: How is it?
Shazar: It’s… poisoned… and… a little rare…
Princess Colette: It’s so nice spending these last few moments alone.
Davy: What do you mean “these last few moments”?
Princess Colette: At sundown, we must separate, and then we’re forbidden from seeing each other until the wedding.
Davy: Oh. Then we’d better kiss a little faster.
Davy: Oh, that’s sweet: Nehradian cupid.
Princess Colette: No, Davy! Someone’s trying to kill you!
Davy: You’d think at three in the afternoon, there’d be somebody at City Hall.
Micky: Maybe they’re on their coffee break.
Peter: How long is their coffee break?
Mike: From nine to five.
Mike: They’re gonna tear down a stadium and build a parking lot.
Micky: They’re gonna tear down a hospital to build a parking lot.
Peter: And here’s the kicker—
Monkees: They’re gonna tear down a parking lot to build a parking lot.
Peter: Hey, how did you guys know?
Mike: Well, that’s the oldest joke in the world.
Peter: Hey, lookit, it’s a half a check for a hundred dollars!
Mike: It’s two halves of a hundred dollar check!
Peter: It’s a check for two hundred dollars!… It’s two checks for fifty dollars.
Duce: What’s with the hat? The hat’s not needed.
Peter: It’s Mike’s hat; it’s knitted.
Duce: I know it’s knitted, but it’s not needed.
Peter: How did you know it was knitted?
Duce: I can tell it’s knitted, but it’s not needed.
Peter: Oh, for a minute, I thought you knew Mike.
Duce: What’s the most important thing for an artist?
Peter: The man who painted that was brilliant.
Micky, Mike, and Davy: That means they’ve switched the paintings.
Mike: The modest but powering Texan needs no introduction. Hm-hm.
Mike: That thing was almost a thousand years old.
Peter: Oh, well, thank goodness it wasn’t new.
Peter: He’s in for a lot of trouble.
Micky: Why, because we’re switching the painting?
Peter: No, because I put hot mustard on those sandwiches.
Peter and Micky: Ha. Ha.
Micky: I guess that’s why I fell in love with you, Brenda; I wanted a girl with some intelligence.
Brenda: Yeah, intelligence.
Peter: I wish Mike were here.
Davy: Hey, you. Stan’ up!
Bulk: Who, me?
Davy: Yeah, you. Stan’ up! … Step over that line. … Step over that line. … Alright, step over this line.
Bulk: Okay, now what?
Davy: Just as I thought; you’re always taking orders. Naaah!
Peter: Did I hear somebody yell for help? Did I hear somebody yell for help?
Peter: What do you mean, no? Look at that man’s back; it’s covered with spots!
Brenda: Uh! Help!
Peter: Hey, mister! Would you throw us back our ball?
Davy: [to camera] Ha ha ha ha ha!
[Bulk struggles try to pick up the ball]
Bulk: Ohh! Aie! Uhh! I can hardly lift it!
Davy: [to camera] Shouldn’t think he could. Lead, you know. Ooh!
Davy: Where’s that uh, diri—diri—blimp headed for?
Peter: Bayonne, New Jersey.
Davy: Bayo—Bayonne, New Jer—You know, I used to have a girlfriend in Bayonne, New Jersey.
Peter: Anything like the Secaucus girl?
Davy: No, I dunno. Her name was Mary Ann.
Davy: Take a deep breath.
Micky: Hi, Brenda. How are you?
Davy: No, deeper, deeper, deeper.
Micky: Hi, Brenda. Deeper? Hi, Brenda.
Shah-Ku: Maybe this time you’ll believe me.
Micky: I’m a believer, I’m a believer.
[about Micky’s “food”]
Davy: Do we kill him now or later?
Mr. Schneider: Does hunger justify murder?
Davy: Oh, man, they’d never convict you if they tasted that!
Shah-Ku: You, too, if you stand up, you may join us.
Davy: I am standing up.
Davy: Um, before I came to Shah-Ku’s, I used to be 6'2".
Shah-Ku: Next testimonial, please!
Davy: And then, uh, it put so much weight on my shoulders that it squashed me!
Micky: Sh—she wants his mind… uh, no, that’s not—uh, I have a mind—no, I don’t have a mind, I lost mine. I have body though.
Micky: Safe at last!
Ella Mae Chubber: I knew you’d come!
Micky: But I’m not the one!
Ella Mae Chubber: I love ya, Davy!
Micky: But I’m Micky!
Ella Mae Chubber: I love ya, Micky!
[Ella Mae kisses Micky]
Micky: Well, I tried.
Paw Chubber: Well, I don’t care who it is; Ella Mae’s gotta get married because tomorrow she’ll be sixteen years old, and I don’t want nobody calling her old maid.
Peter: Hey look, where’s Davy?
Paw Chubber: Judd Weskitt took him up to his cabin at gun point. But I wouldn’t fret none about him.
Peter: Oh, how come?
Paw Chubber: Because he’s probably dead by now.
Ella Mae Chubber: I think you’re cute!
Mike: So does my wife and kids.
Paw Chubber: Hold it! You two wasn’t thinking on runnin’ out on me, was ya?
Mike: What, and leave our buddy Peter here?
Micky: It’s a thought.
Ella Mae Chubber: I love you, Micky!
Peter: I’m Peter!
Ella Mae Chubber: I love ya, Peter!
[Ella Mae kisses Peter]
Peter: Well, I tried.
Mike: I’d play my nose now, but I’m… it’s… my nose is… out being fixed!
Mike: Out being fixed! Yeah, I sent my nose out to have it fixed, and this a cheap loaner, and I don’t—I can’t play this.
Micky: Where’s Davy?
Mike: In the sack.
Mike: Okay, Davy, you’re free! And back with your friends! Davy?
Micky: Davy? Davy?
[Mike and Micky cry]
Davy: Hey, hey, hey! What’s the matter?
Mike & Micky: It’s Davy Jones!
Davy: Oh no!
[Mike and Micky and Davy cry]
Micky: What do we do now?
Paw Chubber: Now, of his own free will, repeat after me: Ella Mae, honey.
Davy: Ella Mae, honey.
Paw Chubber: I wanna…
Davy: I wanna…
Paw Chubber: Go ahead. Go ahead.
Davy:I wanna… I… I wanna be freeeee… free! Free! Like the blue, blue biiiirds!
Paw Chubber: Anybody who sings like that deserves to die.
Paw Chubber: Come on, sonny. Say it: “Will you marry me?”
Davy: Will you marry me?
Mike: Ten million chicks madly in love with him, and he’s gonna marry an old man.
Micky: Where’s Judd?
Maw Weskitt: Over there!
Mike: Where’s Judd?
Maw Weskitt: Same place!
Davy: Knock knock.
Mike: Who’s there?
Mike: Wa who?
Davy: That’s right, wahoo.
Micky: A treasure map. That’s one of the dumbest things you’ve ever done, Pete.
Peter: That’s not fair, Micky.
Davy: Uh, that’s not true, Micky. He’s done dumber things than that, I know.
Peter: Thanks, man.
Davy: If we hurry, men, we can destroy the British at Trenton.
Micky: Davy, you are British.
Davy: Oh yeah. I forgot.
Davy: No, that wasn’t a rifle shot, man. That—this is a deserted island; it was probably a car backfiring or something.
Mike: What are you, what are you g—what are you doin’?
Micky: Hiding behind you.
Mike: What? Hiding behind me? If he finds me, that means he finds you.
Micky: Oh, right, we better hide Mike.
Peter: Hide Mike, hide Mike.
Thursday: Who writes that stuff?
Mike: I think, my good compatriots, that the time has come to split up.
Davy: Oh, no, man!
Peter: No, man! What about the buh-luh-lum?
Micky: Here we come… Hey, hey, we’re The Monkees.
Mike: Wait a minute, please! I mean that we should split up so that the major, in his quest for our hides…
Peter: Oh, you mean split up together here, because of the… okay.
Davy: Let’s go then.
Micky: We can’t use your hand, Davy; it’s in meters, man.
Micky: Wait! Our footprints! Great Scott! That means we’re lost! We’ve been going around in circles!
Davy: Ah, Micky, Micky. It’s a small set, man. We have to use the same place, you know, different bushes, trees…
Mike: Yeah. Don’t you remember, like, like The Lone Ranger and the big rock?
Thursday: Relax, men. I’ve defected.
Peter: I’d see a doctor about that.
Mike: That’s not… that’s not what “de-defected” means…
Peter: Yes it is.
Davy: Uh, now let’s understand this. You mean you’re gonna shoot us, and keep him because of his face?
Davy: Well, what do ya think this is, chopped liver? Yeah, these two, yeah.
Peter: Well, it can’t be you every week, Davy.
Micky: Now, now, look, miss. You know, guns really never solved anything. They’re not the solution to the problem; they’re only a coward’s way out. Wouldn’t you rather talk it over instead of hiding behind a gun? Now, why don’t you give it to me?
[Natasha hands over the gun]
Micky: All right, hands up! You’re takin’ orders from me!
Davy: Oh no! Oh, please!
Micky: Not you, ding-a-ling!
Micky: Shut up, face!
Natasha Pavlova: And then they came, and they took him away, and they said they will make him talk.
Micky: Talk? Never. They can torture him, beat him, drug him… he’ll never talk. There’s only one torture he can’t withstand though; I pray they don’t use that.
Natasha Pavlova: What’s that?
Micky: The direct question.
Micky & Davy: Together we will march. Together we will fight. Together we will win. Together we will find ourselves in places we don’t have any business being.
Micky: I don’t wanna be a chicken. I don’t wanna be a chicken. I don’t wanna be a chicken. I don’t wanna be a chicken. I don’t wanna be a chicken. I don’t wanna be a chicken. Ward, I don’t wanna be a chicken.
Mike: Where did you, where did, where did you, where did you get that water?
Peter: From the car, like Micky said.
Mike: Where in the car?
Peter: From the radiator?
Davy: Oh, Micky. Don’t worry. Listen, it’s a good job he didn’t get it from the petrol tank—
Peter: That’s what I meant, the petrol tank.
Micky: Isn’t that dumb?
Peter: What kinda people have you got coming up here? Senior citizens visiting their grandparents? Ha ha ha ha…!
Mike: Where’re you going?
Davy: I’m go—going to the kitchen to get something to eat.
Mike: Yeah, but the kitchen’s that way.
Davy: Yeah, but the one back at the pad isn’t; it’s that way, heh heh.
Davy: Please don’t kill me! Please… Kill me, kill me, ah ha ha, kill me some more… ha ha! And again, and again.
Mike: Oh! The picture of the male I most remind you of? Of course, of course I’d like to see it! Let me see it! Ah ha ha! It’s a cocker spaniel!
Mike: Mick, will you shut off your engine? We can’t hear a word you’re saying.
Micky: Wh—what, Mike?
Mike: Micky, I said will you shut off your engine, we can’t hear you!
Micky: I can’t hear you, Mike; my engine’s running!
Mike: WILL YOU SHUT OFF YOUR ENGINE [Micky shuts off the engine] WE CANNOT HEAR Y—!
Micky: Alright, now, let’s take the pledge. It says here in the script—
Mike: Do not explain it to them like that. They are nothing but ordinary chicks.
Micky: Yeah, right, just a chick.
Davy: For initiation, we kill our new members.
Mike: Now, look here, Butch. You can’t… you can’t keep pushing me like this, Butch. You’re gonna get, uh, too far with it here in a minute… and I’m not going any farther.
Butch: How come?
Mike: Well, because I can’t get over this desk.
Peter: No more room!
Mike: Order, order, can I have some order, please?
Davy: Uh, bagel with cream cheese and a cream soda.
Mike: Not that.
Peter: Don’t do that.
Davy: Oh, excuse me.
Davy: Hey, I’d didn’t know you could read.
Peter: I’ve been able to read since I was fifteen years old.
Peter: Sixty years of service… ruined?
Henry Weatherspoon: I told you, I am a scientist.
Micky: A mad scientist?
Henry Weatherspoon: No, but I will be if he keeps making those remarks.
Micky: Now that’s a trip!
Micky: Ah ha ha ha, isn’t that dumb?
Peter: I know why everybody joins hands at a séance.
Davy: To make sure they have contact?
Peter: No, ’cause they’re scared silly.
Micky: Boy, Pete, you sure know how to use your mouth.
Harry Hooker: Reynolds?
Frank Reynolds: Here!
Harry Hooker: Dolenz?
Micky: Here, sir.
Harry Hooker: Tork?
[Micky and Davy begin talking]
Harry Hooker: Shut up!
Davy: But you said we could talk!
Harry Hooker: Shut! Up!
Captain: Davy Jones on my ship. Oh, what a tremendous stroke of luck!
Davy: Yeah, you’re right. That is very lucky.
Micky: I don’t feel so lucky.
Captain: Take him to the galley!
Davy: Oh, please! Not the galley! Oh, the galley, no, please, don’t hang me! Don’t hang me!
Micky: No no no, not the gallows, the galley.
Davy: Oh. You had me worried for a minute there. Heh heh.
[Peter and Micky sing “Tear the Top Right off my Head”]
Peter: I incited the men.
Davy: Boy, are they mad!
Peter: When I incite, I incite!
Davy: We told you not to try it!
Peter: We said single-handed mutinies never work, stranger!
Captain: “Stranger”? I thought you came aboard with him!
Davy: Him? No! We’ve never seen him before! We wouldn’t hang around with long haired weirdos like that, would we?
Peter: Dirty Commie!
Peter: I’m innocent! I never impersonated a parrot in my life! I can’t even do a good cow! Moo?
Davy: Also, tell me, who’s ringing that bleeding bell all time here, heh?
Peter: BANG! BANG BANG BANG! BANG! BANG BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Davy: What is this “bang bang bang” stuff?
Peter: Well, I hate violence. Besides, I have more shells than you. Bang bang bang…!
Black Bart: Have you had enough, nestors?
Mike: The name is Nesmith, and if you’re gonna scream it out here in the middle of the war, get it right! That’s Nesmith!
Peter: I thought Mike’s name was Nestor.
Aunt Kate: No, no, “nestor” means “farmer”. He’s right; he means “nestors”.
Mike: Ohh. Oh, hey, I’m sorry, uh, I didn’t realize, you know, and it seems like you were right in the first place, so go ahead with your speech.
Mike: Oh I’m, I’m afraid I don’t know this lady here. Oh my.
Aunt Kate: Don’t you remember your baby cousin Lucy?
Mike: Huh? Lu—Lucy! Are you Lu—well, what, well, whatever happened to the, the buck teeth, the knocked kneed, uh, stringy haired, bad complexion, little girl that I used to hang around with? Heh heh.
Aunt Kate: That’s your other cousin, Clara. She still looks the same.
Mike: Oh merciful heavens.
[Peter is dressed as an Indian]
Peter: Hey Micky, how come I have to wear all this?
Micky: ’Cause Aunt Kate said they don’t like strangers in town. Besides, you look very psychedelic.
Peter: Oh, heh heh. How!
Micky: Well, it’s the peace symbol and the beads mostly.
The Marshall: Oh, I can’t come this afternoon; I’m busy shooting.
Micky: Oh, outlaws?
The Marshall: My TV series.
Ben Cartwheel: Water my horse, will you, son?
Davy: Water your horse? I’m not a stable boy!
Ben Cartwheel: I don’t care about your mental condition; water my horse!
[woman approaches Micky when he walks into the bar]
Micky: Not now; this is a family show! Yuh!
Red: [to Micky] I think you’re bluffin’!
Peter: [amused] How’d you know, Red?
Black Bart: Are you a killer?
Micky: Yeah, sure. I’m a killer.
Black Bart: Well, kill him! [pushes Peter to Micky]
Micky: I can’t—I can’t kill him. He’s my best friend. I’ve known him for two yea—
Black Bart: Ahh!
Micky: Oh, we’re in a lot of trouble.
Aunt Kate Nesmith: Ben Cartwheel’s the kindest millionaire in the whole valley. He wouldn’t hurt a fly.
Micky: Flies, no, but if you’re a human, he’ll kill ya!
Peter: [with a British accent] You must be joking!
Davy: That’s my line!
Peter: [with a British accent] I’m sorry.
Davy: You must be joking!
Maintenance Man: Hey! Who are you?
Davy: I’m the maintenance m—no, I’m not the maintenance man; you’re the maintenance man.
Maintenance Man: I’m the maintenance man.
Davy: No, you can’t be; maintenance men don’t come that short.
Peter: Yes, they do. I mean, he’s not so short. Hey, show us—stand up and show them how tall you are.
Maintenance Man: I am standing up!
Micky: [sings] Della, sweet as any fella, Della…
Davy: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Micky, Micky, she has a line. She has a line!
Davy: You don’t have a line?
Micky: [sings] Della, Della…
Micky: How do you make a capital M?
Mike: Capital M? You take one line, forty five degree angle, ninety degree angle to that line, forty five degree angle to the end of the line.
Micky: Got it.
Policeman: Now where’s the money?
Mike: Some crooks stole it.
Policeman: The stolen money you stole was stolen?
Mike: Yeah—uh, yeah.
Policeman: Come on, you can think of a better story than that.
Mike: Okay, dig, uh, there was this, uh, a bean you see… with this duck with this cow that this cat had, he got for some beans…
Policeman: What was his name?
Others: Yeah, Jack.
Peter: And he grew up into this beanstalk.
Guy: Take this Wizard Glick!
Mike: Ooh, guh! …Who?
Guy: Wizard Glick.
Mike: Man, I’m not Wizard Glick.
Guy: Oh, you’re not. Oh, sorry… [walks away]
Mike: No, I’m not Wizard…
Micky: Number please, professor.
Peter: Two-twelve green.
Micky: Two… two-twelve green?
Manager: Two-twelve green? Are you nuts? Put some glass in those glasses, you dumb dumb!
Micky: There’s no two-twelve green.
Peter: They can’t win.
Micky: Good thinking!
Mike: Now then, over here, yeah. For all practical purposes, y’see, the show is over, but we have in the television industry what they call a “tag”, which is some sort of just complete laugh riot at the end of a show, so that you all tune back in next week, you see, because it’s so hilarious. Now the tag we’re gonna do this week is called a “Here We Go Again” tag, and Davy and Peter are gonna do it. It involves Micky [quickly cut to picture of Micky].
Davy: To think none of this would’ve happened if Micky [quickly cut to picture of Micky] hadn’t got the gambling bug.
Peter: Boy, but we’re sure not gonna get involved in that scene again, are we Micky? [quickly cut to picture of Micky]
Davy: Never again.
Peter: Micky? [quick cut to Micky] Micky? [quick cut to Micky]
Davy: Micky? [quick cut to Micky]
Peter: Micky? [quick cut to Micky]
Mike: Okay, now wait a minute, hold it, guys. Now y’see, we cut over to Micky, and you see him playing with a gambling machine. [cut to Micky]
Mike: And now you cut back to us… [cut to Micky]
Mike: And now you cut back to us… [cut to Micky]
Mike: And now you cut back to us… [cut to Micky]
Mike: And now you cut back to us, and we’re supposed to give a pained look to the camera… Isn’t that funny kids? A ha ha ha ha… woo, ha ha!
Mike: We’re the band that Mrs. Vandersnoot hired for the party is who we are.
Butler: There must be some mistake. We were expecting four gentlemen.
Mike: Uh, would you accept four ladies who shave?
Micky: I. uh, still get spells sometimes that I can’t account for. AHH!
Davy: Listen, that’s it. I’m mad now. I’m gonna take a crack at him. You know, he’s almost as big as I am.
Micky: You’ve got a good chance then.
[Peter rides in on a bike]
Salesgirl: Where’d he come from?
Davy: Left on Gala, through the studio gates, and right on the set here.
Doctor: That’ll be twenty dollars.
Davy: Twenty dollars?
Doctor: Well, since it’s the Christmas holiday… make it $19.95.
Davy: Ah, well that’s a much better deal, that is, isn’t it?
Micky: How come I’m all clean, and you’re all dirty?
Davy: Don’t you mean how come you’re all dirty, and I’m all clean?
Davy: Well, you see, you’re always on about me being little teeny tiny weenie little David, y’see, so I figured I’d come down the middle of the chimney and avoid the sides, y’see?
Micky: Oh, right! Pfft!
Monkees: Deck the halls with boughs of holly
Tra-la la-la la, la-la la la
’Tis the season to be jolly
Fa-la la-la la, la-la la la
Don we now our gay! apparel
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la la la
Troll the ancient yuletide carol
Fa-la la-la la, la-la la la
Princess Gwen: Help! Help! Here we are, stuck in the mud in some filthy little town. Help!
Mike: Ooh! Wow! What a great lookin’ chick!
Peter: She’s beautiful.
Princess Gwen: Harold, get me outta the mud, will ya please!?
Mike: She’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever laid eyes on! Look at those sideburns and that body!
Davy: Cool it, cool it, Mike. Cool it.
Princess Gwen: Harold, you better get this carriage outta the mud!
Micky: Right, sandwiches, yeah.
Princess Gwen: Oh, my very favorite: leftovers! Mm!
Davy: A what kinda dragon?
Peter: A impenetrable dragon.
Fairy of the Locket: You shall forge a kitchen knife into a sword that can cut through iron.
Micky: Right, forge, yeah right, heh heh.
Fairy of the Locket: But remember: you must not drop or crush or lose the locket.
Micky: Ah, ’cause it’ll lose its magic, right?
Mike: Way to go, Mick!
Fairy of the Locket: No, ’cause I’ll be killed, stupid; it’s my home!
Peter: Why me? Why do I have to go into the scary forest and face the dragon and save the princess? I don’t even like her any more!
Mike: Don’t even like her? Man, that’s the grooviest lookin’ chick I ever saw! With them side—
Davy: Cool it!
Goldilocks: Oh, don’t worry; nothing can happen to me.
Peter: How come?
Goldilocks: ’Cause I’m a mean little girl!
Mike: Hey, town crier baby, what’s happenin’?
Micky: We’ll split up, go in three separate directions, leave a trail of breadcrumbs wherever you go, and we’ll follow them back.
Mike: What if the birds eat the crumbs?
Micky: Follow the birds.
Mike: Hey, good thinking!
Micky: Hi! Where you going?
Little Red Riding Hood: I-I-I’m going to my grandmother’s house. You see, she’s sick, and I got some good things for her to eat.
Micky: Oh, hey!
Little Red Riding Hood: What?
Micky: I just got a hunch that your grandma’s been eaten by a big bad wolf.
Little Red Riding Hood: That’s true. I know.
Micky: Oh, so where’re you going?
Little Red Riding Hood: I’m going to other grandmother’s. Ah-hah.
Goldilocks: Help! Help! Oh, help me, woodsman! Oh, help me! The two bears are chasing me from their house!
Davy: Two bears? I though there were three bears?
Goldilocks: Yeah, well, the papa bear kinda wanted me to hang around, heh.
Princess Gwen: Wait a minute, you dingbat. Who’s gonna feed the goldfish?
Peter: Micky! Davy! Peter—uh, Mike! You’ve come!
Princess Gwen: Boy, I’m sure am glad this worked out this way; you know, I could have been wasted.
Princess Gwen: Yes?
Peter: Princess, will you marry me?
Princess Gwen: No, I won’t marry you!
Peter: You won’t marry me?
Princess Gwen: Of course not, man!
Peter: Why won’t you marry—Michael!
Princess Gwen: Yeah, I’m already married, man, you know, Phyllis and Christian…
Mike: Oh wow, she’s married, man, what a bummer!
Peter: Well, it’s a good thing you thought of it.
Interviewer: What do you think Christian’s reaction’s gonna be?
Peter: Ga-goo ge-ga.
Davy: Same as a Jew, I should suppose.
Davy: Micky, I thought you were putting your clothes on.
Micky: Yeah, I did put my clothes on, but my clothes took off! Could it be my clothes are putting me on?
The Secretary: Is this young man the world’s fastest exhibitionist? Is this the work of an overly amourous teeny bopper?
Micky: Uh, did you guys see, uh, see one of my tom toms?
Micky: You didn’t see? Then it’s gone!
The Secretary: Here he comes, walking down the beach. He gets the funniest looks from everyone he meets.
Davy: Hey Micky, isn’t that a spaceship over there?
The Secretary: Notice the powerfully persuasive argument of the space alien.
Micky: What does a spaceship look like?
Davy: Well, I dunno; I never saw one before.
Micky: Then how do you know it is a spaceship?
Peter: He’s right, man; it’s probably some new drive-in.
Micky: They also have insufferable tortures here on earth. [phone rings] Whenever a pussycat cries, they tear off its head, then they holler in its ear, and then they put the head back on the body; I don’t know how it stays alive!
Davy: Micky, what’re you doing?
Micky: I’m going to dispose of all of you.
Peter: Oh, that’s good; for a minute I thought he was trying to get rid of us.
Micky: Micky is in the spaceship. They are questioning him before we invade.
Peter: Oh, well they won’t find out much from Micky.
Micky: Why not?
Peter: Well, he doesn’t know too much.
Davy: What a kiss! I’ve never felt this way before!
Lorelei: You fool! It is not my kiss, but the magic necklace!
Davy: What a necklace! I’ve never felt this way before!
Micky: Don’t do that!
Count: Won’t you come in?
Micky: On second thought, no!
Mike: Now wait a minute. Uh, we’re friends of Davy Jones.
Lorelei: Won’t you come in?
Micky: On third thought, yes!
Mike: This is a book here that tells you how to be a vampire.
Micky: Me be a vampire? I don’t wanna be a vampire! Why does it tell me to be a vampire, Mike? Mike, why?
Mike: It’s not you, it’s everybody.
Bat: I want to drink your blood!
Peter: That’s not at all nice to say.
Bat: I want to sip your blood!
Peter: Much better.
Micky: I told Davy a thousand times, man, stop hanging around with vampires!
Mike: Now look, if the uncle comes back in, pretend that everything is ga-roovy.
Mike: Peter, you search the house.
Mike: What do you mean “no”?
Peter: I might find something. And I’d rather stay here where it’s safe, with you, Michael.
[Wolfman menacingly comes towards Lorelei]
Lorelei: What do you want, Wolfman, what do you want?
Davy: He wants a better percentage of the profits, he wants cookouts on the weekends, and… he wants to play his own music!
Peter: Hey, aren’t you Davy’s girl?
Lorelei: No, no!
Peter: Oh, well, heh heh…! What a kiss! I’ve never felt this way before!
Lorelei: You fool! It was not my kiss, but the magic necklace!
Peter: What a necklace! I’ve never felt this way before!
Mike and Micky: He’s gone!
Micky: You oughta get a hair cut; they won’t let you in Disneyland.
Micky: What a kiss! I’ve never felt this way before!
Lorelei: You fool! It is not my kiss, but the magic necklace!
Micky: What a necklace! I’ve never felt this way be—
Lorelei: Oh, shut up.
Micky: What are you doing in here? This is our fantasy!
Davy: Yeah, yeah, we’re The Monkees! You see, in every show we do a fantasy sequence where we romp around and jump and do funny things, and nobody interrupts us—nobody!
Mike: Here I am, Mummy Man!
Count Dracula: You are the Mummy Man?
Mike: Watch this… MUMMY!
Wolfman: [scared noises]
Mike: He’s really biting my hand, you know.
Wolfman: I love hot dogs!
Mendrek (Micky): I came all this way to, to, to find The High Llama. Where is he?
The Regular Llama (Mike): Oh, well, I’m afraid you’re out of luck; he’s out back, sleepin’ it off.
Mendrek (Micky): You don’t mean!
The Regular Llama (Mike): Yeah, that’s what I mean; that’s how he got his name.
Davy: Go toe, go! Sock it to me, baby! Heh! That’s a pun! Heh heh!
Mike: Oh, Micky, come on. You can talk; there’s nothin’ wrong with your voice.
Peter: Are you kidding? Have you ever heard him sing?
Mike: No, man, he can’t come… Well, I don’t care who you are, he, uh, he can’t come… Well, because he don’t like barbecue, I guess… I don’t know… hoo, what a pushy guy.
Mike: In twelve hours, he forgot how to talk. I mean, anybody can forget how to talk in twelve hours.
Peter: Well, then it’s simple; all we do is teach him to talk!
Mike: What… did you say?
Davy: [laughs] How!
Davy: Pencil! Oh, it’s no good, he, he won’t be able to sing tonight. He can’t even say “pencil”!
Mike: Do you suppose it has anything to do with the fact that this is a crayon?
Micky: Now “crayon” I can say.
Davy: Monkee’s paw… Monkee’s paw… Monkee’s paw… Monkee’s… you know, I can’t find it anywhere.
Mendrek’s Daughter: I think you spell “monkey” with a “y”.
Davy: Oh, really? I always thought you spelled it with two “e”s.
Davy: Hello, oh, we’re the Monkees.
Mendrek: [cuckoo] I hate these kids.
Peter: You are too a hippie
Davy: I am not a hippie.
Peter: You are too. You wear those beads, you’re a hippie. You got long hair, you’re a hippie.
Davy: Don’t hit me with a stick, please.
Mike: How’d you learn to do that so fast?
Peter: Mr. Zero taught m—he’s gone.
Mike: So that’s uh, that’s what [cuckoo] is all about.
Davy: Yeah. [cuckoo] is pretty scary.
Micky: You know what’s even more scary?
Micky: You can’t say [cuckoo] on television.
Mike: We’ve got to remember that we’re dealing with a cool, diabolical mind.
Peter: Thank you!
Mike: I’m talking about the devil.
Mike: Oh, I remember reading in the paper where, because, due to lack of interest, tomorrow was canceled, so we’ll have to make it day after tomorrow.
Micky: Your honor! I insist that the, uh, prosecution call another witness.
Judge: On what grounds?
Micky: On the uh, on the grounds that um, the television show’s not over, and we have to have one more. Heh.
Mike: [foreign language]
Micky: What did you say?
Mike: I don’t know.
Davy: Would you please raise your right hand and put your left hand on the Bible.
Mr. Zero: You must be joking.
Mike: If you love music, then you can play music, and all it takes is just love, because, baby, in the final analysis, love is power. That’s where the power’s at.
T.N. Crumpetts: I say, Peter, would you care for another spot of tea?
Peter: No thanks, I have several spots already! Ahah, ahah!
Baron Von Klutz: Now that’s enough out of you, gabby.
T.N. Crumpetts: Well, I haven’t said anything else.
Baron Von Klutz: What do you think this is? Open end? Gag him!
T.N. Crumpetts: There’s enough gags in this show already.
Peter: You know, your pitch is lousy, but you have a pretty good voice. If we don’t find Micky, would you like to join our group?
Mike: Before this scene goes any farther, man, what is this gun thing?
Wolfgang: Well, now, now just a minute. We’ve got to have the gun, after all, it’s a prop, ahah!
Mike: That’s horrible, man.
Peter: Put that away!
Mike: It’s bad enough that you’re with a uniform and everything.
Peter: And all the guns on television and everything. It’s bad enough we have a tuning fork!
Official: Well, it’s all right with me, except for one thing.
Peter: Yeah, what’s that?
Official: I don’t think he’ll be able to see over the wheel.
Davy: I think I’m a little high.
Micky: Boy, you sure got a lousy part.
Micky: You flew all the way to Hollywood for this part?
James Frawley: I got a nice, tight close-up of the monkey.
James Frawley: Okay, let’s come in for a nice, tight close-up on the monkey.
Davy: Wait a minute, don’t think you’re fooling us guys. We know who you are; you’re Jack Williams, the property man on this show. Customs Man: Look, sweetie, I might be Jack Williams, the property man to you, but to twenty million teenagers, I’m the customs man. Davy: Oh… You know, he really is Jack Williams.
Davy: Fifty thousand pounds? That’s a little heavy, that is.
Mike: Now look, you’ll be just fine as long as you remember everything that I taught you.
Davy: But you didn’t teach me anything!
Mike: Well, then, fake it!
Lance Kibbee: Booze! I’ll drink to that!
Lance Kibbee: Why can’t you sing?
Sir Twiggley Topper Middle Bottom: Because I have no experience!
Lance Kibbee: Bah! I saw four boys on television the other night, and it would’ve astounded you!
Sir Twiggley Topper Middle Bottom: Really?
Lance Kibbee: You can sing!
Peter: I just wanted to give all our viewers and, and listeners who’ve been so nice to us, I wanted to give them our Christmas message which is about love and peace and—
Mike: Now wait a—hold it. You can’t, man, come on, it’s the middle of February, you can’t give them a Christmas message now.
Peter: Well, why not?
Mike: Why not? Well, because, you just, you don’t, buh wuh uh… well…
Micky: That means that one of us is gonna have to be a chick.
Micky: Money, money, anything for money!
Micky: I think he’s kinda cute.
Peter: You would.
Micky: He likes you.
Peter: All you have to do is go out with him, and we’re a cinch to win.
Mike: Yeah, as a matter of fact, if you let him kiss you, you might own a television station.
Davy: One more remark like that, and I’ll hit you with me purse.
Daphne: Wait, my darling! You forgot your high… heels?
Daphne: …and you’re only wearing one shoe.
Davy: Well, that’s what happens when you get dressed in the dark! Ha!
Jerry Blavat: Oh! Yeah! Girls! My heart now is amended.
I know a girl, her name is love
She is the girl that I dream of
She shows me love I never knew
She’d show you how to love me too
Frank (as Mike): You know that after I quit the show, I’m gonna join The Byrds, don’t ya?
Mike (as Frank): No, I didn’t know that.
Frank (as Mike): When you quit The Mothers, who are you gonna join?
Mike (as Frank): I may join The Byrds, too.
Frank (as Mike): Tell me, Frank Zappa, I’ve always wanted to have you show me how to conduct, because I heard you were really spiffy at it.
Mike (as Frank): Well, you follow me, that’s where we’re…
Frank (as Mike): Come on, you’re on television, I’m just one of these unpopular musicians. Teach me!
Mike (as Frank): No, it’s the other way around. You’re a popular musician; I’m dirty, gross, and ugly.
Oraculo: Eh, Mr. Tork, why don’t you join me in a cup of tea?
Peter: Do you think we’ll both fit?
Micky: Uh, well, bye, Pete. Later, Pete. Listen, don’t forget to write, Pete. And uh, remember, the door’s always open to ya, Pete. Uh, you can come home to the pad and all your friends, but write first, ’cause we’re renting your room!
Oraculo: You will stay here, and uh, guard Tork at fifty cents an hour.
Rudy: That seem a little unfair, master.
Oraculo: Make it half a dollar.
Rudy: Oh Master, thank you, thank you! You are generous beyond generous!
Oraculo: Now, I want you to free your mind of all thought… good, now, uh, how do you feel?
Mike: Umm, oh, uh, thoughtless.
Davy: I’ve got it: experimental psychology.
Micky: What’s that? It sounds complicated.
Davy: Actually, it’s not.
Oraculo: You fool! That’s not the way to the door!
Peter: Well, what do you expect from a psychic slave?
Mike: Don’t do that.
Davy: Don’t do that.
Peter: Thanks, Mick.
Mike: Peter? Hey, Peter?
Davy: What’s happened to Peter?
Mike: Well, uh, he’s probably not back from his dream yet.
Micky: Impossible, man, Peter doesn’t dream.
Mike: Well, in that case, he’s gone.
Micky: He’s gone?!
Davy: What was that?
Micky: Man, I don’t know, I was—Wait, that’s not a test pattern, it was unbelievable!
Mike: You’re tellin’ me it was unbelievable? And you think that was somethin’, you oughta see what happens after the commercial!
Mike: Well, there’s this weird guy named Wizard Glick…
Davy: Wizard Glick?
Mike: …who’s real evil. And then the people who live next door…
Micky: What happens to the people who live next door?
Mike: …are all in trances too. Oh, it’s incredible! We go and we save the world as usual.
Davy: Nyles! Oh no! Has the TV got you too?
Nyles: What TV? Man, I’m always like this.
Mike: Hey, wait a minute guys! You know what? It’s 7:30/6:30 central time! It’s time for The Monkees! I wonder if anybody around here’s got a television set?
Micky: We gotta concentrate real hard on Peter, and now we gotta repeat this chant that I learned.
Mike: Yeah. A chant you learned while studying transcendental meditation under an Indian mystic, right, that’s it.
Micky: No, no, it’s a chant I learned when I sent in a cereal box top.
Mike: Well, that makes a whole lot more sense.
Davy: Oh, yeah.
Micky: Right, sure.
Micky: Nam myoho renge kyo. It’s working… it’s working…
Mike: How do you know…? How do you know…?
Micky: I saw the last scene… I saw the last scene…
Nyles: Yeah, Frodis Room!
Wizard Glick: I don’t wanna fight anymore. I just wanna lay down in the grass and be cool.