“Card Carrying Red Shoes” Script
Teaser Permalink
INT. BALLET - BACKSTAGE
MICKY:
There it is.
IVAN:
Natasha. Please, Natasha, you must listen to reason.
NATASHA:
I’m sick and tired of dancing and rehearsing twenty-four hours a day.
IVAN:
You’re right. It’s too much. From now on, take twenty minutes for lunch. But first, shoes?
NATASHA:
Why must you check my shoes every time I wiggle my foot?
IVAN:
Oh, you don’t understand, my dear. Hopes of all people from Druvania is underneath your feet.
NATASHA:
Ah. But with the people under my feet and you on my back, it is impossible to dance!
DAVY:
You know, that’s hard to believe. We-we lug this thing down here with all our instruments in it, and they make us play these, uh—
MICKY:
These Druvanian instruments are really weird.
DAVY:
Pretty weird.
MICKY:
I don’t understand that I can’t get a sound out of this.
DAVY:
Give me a—string instrument.
IVAN:
Are you there? You are there.
NICOLAI:
Alright, alright, everybody. Everybody here for rehearsal? Prepare yourself, rehearsal band. Natasha Pavlova will soon be ready to dance.
MICKY:
Mickelovich Dolenzovich will soon be ready to play.
NICOLAI:
How soon will Dolenzovich be ready to play?
MICKY:
As soon as Dolenzovich finds out which end to put in his mouth.
PETER:
Micky.
DAVY:
Micky, Micky, it’s a string instrument.
MICKY:
Right, man.
NATASHA:
Nicolai! Nicolai!
NICOLAI:
Natasha! What happened?
NATASHA:
I can’t go on.
NICOLAI:
Why not?
NATASHA:
Because the feet on which rests the hope of Druvania are getting very cold, and Ivan has my shoes.
NICOLAI:
What? Ivan! Ivan! Quickly, Natasha’s getting cold feet.
IVAN:
You mean she’s afraid to go on stage?
NICOLAI:
No, you fool. You’ve got her shoes, and the floor is freezing!
IVAN:
Precious microfilm is still in toe of her shoes; customs will never think to look there when we leave country.
NICOLAI:
Good, good, spasibo. Now, rehearsal! My apologies to you and to your feet. Ready, musicians?
MICKY:
We are ready.
NICOLAI:
You are not ready.
MICKY:
We are not ready. Why?
NICOLAI:
Because that one is playing a lamp!
MICKY:
Oh!
PETER:
Oh. Well, uh, how about a little strobe effect?
MICKY:
Yeah, psychedelic, freak out!
DAVY:
Ah, oh, ah!
NATASHA:
I am ready.
NICOLAI:
Now! And a one, a two, three, four!
MICKY:
♪♪♪
DAVY:
Stop, stop. Wait, wait, wait. Hey, there’s a, there’s a wrong note in here someplace.
PETER:
Take it out.
MICKY:
Take it out. Take it out. Forget the note. ♪♪♪
♪ Frodis. ♪
DAVY:
Frodis.
NATASHA:
Oh, you stupid fool!
IVAN:
Me? It’s those incompetents!
NATASHA:
You have abused me for the last time. Ah, what a face! Ah!
NICOLAI:
What happened?
IVAN:
Those miserable creatures, they can’t play music!
MICKY:
♪ Reeneeper… ♪
DAVY:
♪ Reeber soben… ♪
NICOLAI:
Natasha?
DAVY, MICKY:
♪♪♪
IVAN, NICOLAI:
Natasha!
MICKY:
Natasha? Natasha?
PETER:
Anybody seen Natasha?
MICKY:
Hey, Natasha!
PETER:
Where’s Natasha? Hello, Natasha?
MICKY:
Natasha? Hey, Natasha?
DAVY:
Natasha, baby!
PETER:
Natasha?
MICKY:
Here, boy! Here, boy!
NICOLAI:
Out! You miserable musicians! Get out of the theater, and get out of my life!
MICKY:
Ah, don’t beat around the bush, man. Do you want us for the run of the show or not?
NICOLAI:
Out!
MICKY:
Right, out, yeah!
DAVY:
We don’t want this thing.
NICOLAI:
Eh!
IVAN:
Out!
MICKY:
Goodbye!
DAVY:
See ya.
PETER:
Bye.
DAVY:
Write when you get work.
PETER:
Have a nice dance!
DAVY:
Taking it easy and—
MICKY:
Oh, are we in your way?
NICOLAI:
Out!
MICKY:
Out!
IVAN:
Out!
DAVY:
Out!
PETER:
Out!
…
MICKY:
Oh, sorry. Oh.
IVAN:
Out!
MICKY:
Out!
NICOLAI:
Out!
MICKY:
Out!
IVAN:
Out!
MICKY:
Out. Out.
NICOLAI:
Out!
MICKY:
Out, out!
IVAN:
Out! She’s gone, and the secret microfilm is gone with her.
NICOLAI:
Druvania will get it back. We will kill if we have to, but we will squash anyone who gets in our way.
“(Theme From) The Monkees”
Act One Permalink
INT. THE PAD
MICKY:
Oh! What’s in this thing, a dead body?
NATASHA:
A-ha! Wrong again, Natasha Pavlova’s alive and well. One false move and I shoot all of you.
MICKY:
With your finger?
DAVY, MICKY:
Ah!
NATASHA:
Except for him.
PETER:
Huh?
DAVY:
Wh-what’s the difference between him and us?
NATASHA:
Ah, come here, face. Oh, ever since I saw you in the theater, I said to myself, that face, that beautiful, beautiful, mm, face.
DAVY:
Uh, now, let’s understand this. You mean you’re gonna shoot us and keep him because of his face? W-what do you think this is, chopped liver? Yeah, these two, yeah.
PETER:
Well, it can’t you every week, Davy.
MICKY:
Now, now, look, miss. You know, guns really never solved anything. They’re not the solution to the problem, they’re only a coward’s way out. Wouldn’t you rather talk-talk it over in-instead of hiding behind a gun? Now, why don’t you give it to me? Alright, hands up!
DAVY:
Oh, no!
MICKY:
You’re taking orders from me!
DAVY:
Oh, please!
MICKY:
Not you, dingaling!
PETER:
You can’t do this, Micky.
MICKY:
Shut up, face! You’re gonna walk down Primrose Lane with babushka here, while Jones and I are gonna walk the last mile, the road of no return, the last goodbye!
DAVY:
Yeah, the primrose and the lane and the… w-what is all this—
MICKY:
I don’t have no idea.
DAVY:
—primrose stuff here, what is this?
MICKY:
Not bad for a long haired weirdo, huh, America? Huh.
NATASHA:
Oh!
DAVY:
Now see what you’ve been and gone and done?
NATASHA:
This is my last chance to stay in America. Now I’ll have to go back to Ivan and Druvania.
PETER:
Brute. Natasha, it’s me: the face.
NATASHA:
Go away, face.
PETER:
Don’t worry, Natasha. I won’t let them take you away. I’ll fight to the death to protect you.
DAVY:
But Peter, she’s a big star. Th-th-this could lead to an international incident. Maybe, maybe war. The whole world could be destroyed.
PETER:
Don’t worry. If the whole world is destroyed, I’ll take the responsibility.
MICKY:
With a little more ego, he could be president.
PETER:
I’ll stay here with Natasha; you go see the Druvanian ambassador.
INT. NYETOVITCH’S OFFICE
NYETOVITCH:
Speak quickly, I’m a busy man.
DAVY:
Well you see, we’re The Monkees, and, um—
NYETOVITCH:
Monkees? Guard, throw them out of here!
MICKY:
No, you don’t understand—wait a minute, there’s a ballerina that came—
NYETOVITCH:
Wait! A ballerina?
MICKY:
Yeah!
NYETOVITCH:
Is she medium height, good figure?
MICKY:
Right!
DAVY:
Yeah!
NYETOVITCH:
With long brown hair in a ponytail?
DAVY, MICKY:
Yeah!
NYETOVITCH:
Wearing a red leotard tutu and red ballet shoes?
DAVY, MICKY:
Yeah!
NYETOVITCH:
Does she answer to the name of Natasha Pavlova?
MICKY:
Right!
DAVY:
Yeah.
NYETOVITCH:
Never heard of her. Throw them out.
MICKY:
Right, throw us out, ah!
INT. BALLET - BACKSTAGE
IVAN [on the phone]:
We’ll get Natasha back, ambassador. I’ll stake my life on it. Yes, ambassador, but that’s all I have to give.
INT. THE PAD
PETER:
No, no. No, please, ??? Natasha, I—
NATASHA:
My beautiful face. Don’t go away, face. Come back to me, face. Oh, face, I love you. Don’t be afraid, face.
PETER:
Who’s afraid?
NATASHA:
Ah! Oh, such agility, such grace! It makes me love you more.
PETER:
Oh, well. In that case, I take it back.
NATASHA:
Oh, but what’s the matter, face? Don’t you love me?
PETER:
Well, I love you, and my face loves you, it’s just my body that’s out of shape.
NATASHA:
Oh, come back, face, face, you’re beautiful, face!
PETER:
Stop, please, stop, hold it. Stay back, back!
NATASHA:
Rwar! Face, face. Oh. The arrow of love burns deep in my heart.
PETER:
I’ll get you a bicarbonate of soda.
NATASHA:
And now, let whatever happens, happen.
EXT. THE PAD
IVAN:
Let me in, Monkee, I’ve come to kill you.
INT. THE PAD
PETER:
Oh, thank goodness.
NATASHA:
Quickly, quickly. Come hide in the trunk with me.
PETER:
Oh, uh. You hide in the trunk; I’ll go take my chances with Ivan.
NATASHA:
But my Petrov, he is dangerous!
PETER:
A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.
NATASHA:
What are you going to do?
PETER:
I think I’ll pretend to be sick.
EXT. THE PAD
NICOLAI:
So, we will break the door down.
IVAN:
Da! One, two—
NICOLAI:
Three.
INT. THE PAD
NICOLAI:
Ah! Natasha! Natasha? Natashenka? Natasha?
IVAN:
Where is she? Where is she?
PETER:
Well, she’s certainly not in the trunk.
IVAN:
He’s no use; he’s unconscious.
NICOLAI:
Let us take him back to the theater. We question him there.
IVAN:
But he will connect us up with microfilm.
NICOLAI:
Not if he’s dead. Ha ha ha ha!
IVAN:
Ha ha ha ha!
PETER:
Ha ha ha ha.
Act Two Permalink
INT. THE PAD
NATASHA:
And-and then they came, and they, and they took him away, and they said they will make him talk.
MICKY:
Talk? Never. They can torture him, beat him, drug him. He’ll never talk. There’s only one torture he can’t withstand though; I pray they don’t use that.
NATASHA:
What’s that?
MICKY:
The direct question.
DAVY:
I think we better go to the theater. Come on.
MICKY:
Yeah. Wait!
DAVY:
What?
MICKY:
I think it’s kinda risky going on their home territory.
NATASHA:
Risks? You talk about risks when-when my Petrov’s life is in danger? Did, uh, Paul Rewere talk about risks?
DAVY, MICKY:
She’s right.
NATASHA:
Did Nathan Hale talk about risks?
DAVY, MICKY:
She’s right!
NATASHA:
Did George Washington talk about risks?
DAVY, MICKY:
She’s right, but she’s got a big mouth.
NATASHA:
Together we will persevere, and together we will win. Forward!
DAVY, MICKY:
Together we will march! Together we will fight! Together we will win!
INT. BALLET - BACKSTAGE
DAVY, MICKY:
Together we will find ourselves in places we don’t have any business being.
DAVY:
We gotta find him, man. We gotta find him.
MICKY:
Peter?
DAVY:
Peter?
MICKY:
Peter? Peter?
DAVY:
Peter? Peter?
NYETOVITCH:
Who are you?
DAVY:
Whoa, um.
MICKY:
We are investigating the disappearance of Natasha Pavlova.
NYETOVITCH:
Are you from the MKVD?
DAVY:
No, we’re from the BVD.
NYETOVITCH:
I never heard of the BVD.
DAVY:
Well, we investigate the MKBVD—
MICKY:
VD—
DAVY:
—’cause we’re an undercover organization that undercovers the, uh…
MICKY:
Covers. We cover the unders, and when we’re under the covers, the BVD is known as the underweir.
NYETOVITCH:
So, you were sent to find ballerina. Strange, I have same assignment.
MICKY:
Oh. Well, isn’t that great?
DAVY:
’Cause two of us, um—
MICKY:
Uh, you find a ballerina, and we find the ballerina, that’ll be two ballerinas.
DAVY:
When we find ’em, we’ll bring ’em to ya.
MICKY:
A reservoir. Bonjour, monsieur.
INT. BALLET - DRESSING ROOM
IVAN:
Nice American traitor, what do you know about microfilm, hm?
PETER:
Nothing, nothing. I don’t even go to the movies.
NICOLAI:
You know nothing? We’ll see after the brainwash is complete.
PETER:
Brainwash? Well, if you’re gonna brainwash me, you better use a good detergent. New Reebersober’s brain detergent doesn’t fade, bleach, or shrink your brains.
IVAN:
You fool.
PETER:
And it comes in an unbreakable plastic bottle, but be sure it doesn’t get in your eyes.
INT. BALLET - BACKSTAGE
MICKY:
Hey, Pete!
DAVY:
Peter?
MICKY:
Hey, Peter!
DAVY:
Have you seen Pete?
MICKY:
I bet he’s around here somewhere.
DAVY:
Peter?
MICKY:
Hey, Peter!
DAVY:
Where is he?
MICKY:
Pete!
DAVY:
Peter? Peter? Peter?
MICKY:
Hey, pardon me.
DAVY:
Peter?
MICKY:
I, uh—pardon me, sir.
DANCER:
One…
MICKY:
Did you happen to notice a—
DANCER:
Two…
MICKY:
—prisoner, possibly being held again his own will?
DANCER:
Three, four…
MICKY:
Who, at this very moment, may be in front of a firing squad, uh, named Peter Tork. If you did, we’d like to save his life.
DANCER:
Oh. Just a second.
INT. BALLET - BACKSTAGE
DANCER:
Hey, is your name Peter Tork?
BLINDFOLDED MAN:
No, it’s not.
DANCER:
Okay, sorry to bother you.
BLINDFOLDED MAN:
It’s alright.
INT. BALLET - BACKSTAGE
DANCER:
My error.
MICKY:
That’s alright. We’ll see you later.
IVAN:
Alright! Rehearse.
MICKY:
Right, rehearsal.
DAVY:
Yeah.
IVAN:
You. Good. Very good. Excellent. Lousy. Marvelous. You. Who are you? You are not dancers.
MICKY:
We’re replacements.
IVAN:
Replacements?
MICKY:
Yeah.
IVAN:
Well, let me see you dance.
MICKY:
Right.
DAVY:
♪ Ya ta… ♪
IVAN:
Not that kind of dancing. Russian dancing.
DAVY:
Oh, Russian dancing. Oh.
MICKY:
Sock it to me! Sock it to me! Sock it to me! Ha! Sock it to me! Ha! Ho, ha! Sock it to you. Sock it to everybody.
DAVY:
Let’s, uh, spliterino.
MICKY:
Ho! Ha! We better split. Ha!
DAVY:
Yes, here we go.
IVAN:
They were lousy dancers. They were those musicians!
INT. THE PAD
DAVY:
Uh, “And unless Natasha is returned for tonight’s premiere, Peter Tork will die. Signed, a friend.” Ooh. “P.S. If she can’t come, send her shoes.”
NATASHA:
Oh! I must return and dance tonight. If I let my Petrov die, he will never forgive me.
MICKY:
We will all return to the theater tonight. I have a plan.
DAVY:
He’s got a plan.
NATASHA:
He’s got a plan.
INT. BALLET - DRESSING ROOM
IVAN:
Natasha, I am so happy that you have seen error of your ways.
NATASHA:
Then you will let the boy go?
IVAN:
As soon as we leave country.
NATASHA:
But we will be on tour for six months.
IVAN:
He will enjoy it on the road.
NYETOVITCH:
Natasha, welcome back.
NATASHA:
I will not go on.
NYETOVITCH:
You will go on, and you’ll be magnificent. You will dance your Chicken Lake as you have never danced it before. Now, how are your lovely red shoes?
NATASHA:
They’re fine.
NYETOVITCH:
You mean they’re really fine?
IVAN:
They’re really fine.
NYETOVITCH:
You’re sure they’re really, really, really fine?
IVAN:
I mean that they are really, really, really, really, really fine.
NYETOVITCH:
Really, really, really fine?
IVAN:
Really, really, really fine.
NYETOVITCH:
Really fine?
IVAN:
Really fine.
NYETOVITCH:
You mean really fine?
IVAN:
Uh, that’s fine. Real fine.
NYETOVITCH:
Really fine?
IVAN:
Magnificently fine. Heh heh heh heh heh.
DAVY:
Natasha, Natasha! Did you find Peter?
NATASHA:
No, no, not yet!
DAVY:
Oh, Ivan the Terrible must’ve hidden him someplace.
MICKY:
I saw him go next door. If only we could hear them. Do you have a glass?
DAVY:
Sure, here’s a glass.
MICKY:
I saw this done in a movie once; it should work.
DAVY:
Well, what’d ya hear?
OPERATOR (V.O.):
I’m sorry, you’ve reached a disconnected wall.
INT. BALLET - DRESSING ROOM
IVAN:
Now that we know the microfilm is safe, when do we dispose of boy?
NYETOVITCH:
It will be at the very end of Natasha’s solo. You will take a gigantic leap into the air. Just as your feet touch the ground, there will be a cymbal crash, and when that cymbal crashes, we will choke him.
IVAN:
How did you ever think of such an intricate plan?
NYETOVITCH:
I saw it in a movie.
INT. BALLET - DRESSING ROOM
DAVY:
Look, Natasha. You’ve got to stall your dance while we hunt for Peter. Let’s just hope that-that Ivan doesn’t make that final leap into the air.
MICKY:
And if he does, you make sure he doesn’t come down.
NATASHA:
I’ll try. I better get into my costume. Oh, my ankle!
DAVY:
What’s the matter, Natasha?
NATASHA:
I don’t know, I think I’ve sprained it. I can’t go on!
IVAN (O.S.):
Natasha.
INT. BALLET - BACKSTAGE
IVAN:
Can I come in? It’s almost time for our entrance.
INT. BALLET - DRESSING ROOM
NATASHA:
I’ll be out there in just a few minutes.
MICKY:
Oh, uh, what a drag, don’t you have an understudy?
DAVY:
No, an understudy wouldn’t know the plan.
MICKY:
Somebody’s gotta do dat dance or else Peter’s gonna die.
DAVY:
You’re right, Micky. Good idea.
INT. BALLET - BACKSTAGE
IVAN:
Natasha.
INT. BALLET - DRESSING ROOM
DAVY:
Okay, Micky. Come on. Get dressed.
MICKY:
I don’t wanna be a chicken. I don’t wanna be a chicken.
DAVY:
Come on, get dressed.
MICKY:
I don’t wanna be a chicken. I don’t wanna be a chicken.
DAVY:
It’s okay.
MICKY:
I don’t wanna be a chicken. I don’t wanna be a chicken. I don’t wanna be a chicken.
DAVY:
Don’t worry.
MICKY:
Ward, I don’t wanna be a chicken. I don’t wanna be a chicken. I don’t wanna be a chicken. I don’t wanna be a chicken. I don’t wanna be a chicken. I’m a chicken. I’m a chicken.
DAVY:
You look great. You look great.
NATASHA:
Ah, you look beautiful, Micky.
IVAN (O.S.):
Natasha!
INT. BALLET - BACKSTAGE
IVAN:
We’ll be late, Natasha, for entrance.
INT. BALLET - DRESSING ROOM
DAVY:
Ah! We better hide. Come on, I’ll help you. Steady.
INT. BALLET - BACKSTAGE
MICKY (O.S.):
Bwack, bwack. Come in!
INT. BALLET - DRESSING ROOM
IVAN:
Come, my dear. You will dance Chicken Lake like they have never seen it danced before.
MICKY:
Bwack, bwack!
DAVY:
That’s for sure.
MICKY:
Bwack, bwack! Bwack bwack-bwack bwack bwack. Bwack-bwack-bwack, bwack-bwack, bwack-bwack…
Tag Permalink
INT. THE PAD
DAVY:
So the government decided you could stay in America.
PETER:
That means we’ll see a lot of each other.
NATASHA:
Oh, no, my Petrov. I have decided we are too different. It is not enough to be infatuated with a face. Aw, that face! However, true love requires more a-a mutual understanding and a common background. Now, happily, I have found someone who—ah! There he is now. My new friend. Come in, Alexei. Ah, that face. Ah!
“She Hangs Out”