“Some Like It Lukewarm” Script

INT. KXIW-TV STUDIOS - REGISTRATION ROOM

BLAVAT:
Okay, all entries sign up here for the big time contest. Don’t be a shy person. Get over here.

MIKE:
Okay, look. We need this money really bad. Right?

MICKY:
Right.

DAVY:
Right.

MIKE:
So, the way to get it is to act like we don’t need it. We assume a very casual, suave, debonair, “who needs it” kind of attitude.

DAVY:
Yeah, we don’t need it. We don’t need it.

MICKY:
What do you mean? We do need it.

DAVY:
Micky, I know we need it. I know we need it, but we don’t act as if we need it.

MIKE:
Right. We kind of assume a “who needs it” attitude.

DAVY:
Right.

MICKY:
Don’t ask me. I don’t know.

BLAVAT:
Thank you very much for signing up over here, yes. Sweetie. Sweetie, I’ll see you later on. What a contest it’s gonna be.

MIKE:
You the guy with the, uh, rock ’n’ roll contest where we pick up our five hundred dollars?

BLAVAT:
Yes, it is.

MICKY:
Well, who needs it?!

MIKE:
You can pay us in small bills, you know. Something easy to carry out in a guitar case. Tens, fives, fifteens.

BLAVAT:
Don’t be ridiculous.

MICKY:
We’ll take a check.

BLAVAT:
Are you snapped out of your head?

MICKY:
How about small currency? Foreign coins?

BLAVAT:
No. No. Absolutely not.

MICKY:
Round salt wheels, anything like that at all?

MIKE:
Yeah, hold it. Hold it. Hold it. I think I can see what this gentleman’s problem is. He wants us to perform. Watch this. Ah.

MICKY:
♪ Hello ♪

DAVY:
♪ Hello ♪

MICKY:
♪ Doo-doo, doo wah-wah ♪

DAVY:
♪ Be doo-boop, be doop, ba doo-ba da-boom… ♪

MICKY:
♪ Be deep deep be dee… ♪

MIKE:
And so, once again, ladies and gentlemen, The Monkees broadcasting you high atop the beautiful Chicago tower overlooking Lake Michigan where you can look southbound, south ground, sound, we walk up to the microphone and ask that musical question, “So how’s by you?” Alright, where’s the cash?

BLAVAT:
Cash? You guys don’t even qualify. Where’s the girl?

DAVY:
Where’s the girl?

MIKE:
Yeah?

DAVY:
What are you, a contest manager or a house detective?

BLAVAT:
The rules clearly state that it’s a contest for mixed groups only.

MIKE:
Oh, basses and baritones.

BLAVAT:
Girls.

MICKY:
Peas and carrots?

BLAVAT:
Girls!

MICKY:
Republicans and Democrats?

BLAVAT:
No. I dig girls! Where is the girl in your group? I love girls! I snap over them.

MIKE:
Wait a minute, you can’t—

MICKY:
That means that one of us is gonna have to be a chick.

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

INT. KXIW-TV STUDIOS - DRESSING ROOM HALLWAY

MICKY:
Well, we have to choose who’s gonna be the girl in the group. We should do it on a volunteer basis.

MIKE:
Davy.

PETER:
Davy.

MIKE:
Sure.

DAVY:
No, not—no way in the world anybody would believe I was a girl. I am not gonna do it, fellas. No way. Heh.

JANITOR:
Hi there, honey. What you doing for dinner?

INT. THE PAD

DAVY:
Hey. Hey, look, you guys, how you gonna turn me into a woman?

MICKY:
After all, what is a woman but a rag, a bone, and a hank of hair?

MIKE:
Right. Rag?

PETER:
Rag.

MICKY:
Rag

PETER:
Rag.

MIKE:
Rag. Bone?

PETER:
Bone.

MICKY:
Bone.

PETER:
Bone.

MIKE:
Bone.

DAVY:
Ooh!

MIKE:
Hank of hair.

PETER:
Hank of hair.

MICKY:
Hank of hair.

PETER:
Hank of hair.

MIKE:
Hank of hair. Hank of hair. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

DAVY:
So, how do I look?

MICKY:
Kind of like a raggy, hairy bone.

MIKE:
Hairy, bony rag. B-but what happened with the bone?

DAVY:
And it doesn’t seem to look right. It doesn’t even fit, you know. Listen, I don’t even know how to act like a woman.

PETER:
Oh, well, that’s a cinch. I have here this book, How to Act Like a Feminine Female in Three Easy Lessons.

INT. THE PAD

PETER:
“Lesson one: all feminine females must learn to walk with small, delicate steps.” Not so good.

MIKE:
I think we better get a shorter rope.

MICKY:
Yeah, right. Shorter rope.

PETER:
“Lesson two: when a feminine female walks from north to south, her hips must move from east to west. A small, loud bell on each direction will help to teach this technique.”

MIKE:
Faster.

MICKY:
Faster.

MIKE:
Slower.

MICKY:
Slower.

MIKE:
East.

MICKY:
East.

MIKE:
West.

MICKY:
West.

MIKE:
East.

MICKY:
East.

MIKE:
West.

MICKY:
West.

MIKE:
West.

MICKY:
West.

MIKE:
West.

MICKY:
West.

MIKE:
Faster.

MICKY:
Faster.

MIKE:
Faster.

MICKY:
Faster.

MIKE:
Slower.

MICKY:
Slower.

DAVY:
I always wondered what the noise was at our house; it was me three sisters learning how to walk.

PETER:
“Lesson three: the feminine female must glide like a swan when she walks, with her head high, erect, and motionless. The best way to teach this is to place a book on top of the head.” Maybe you’d rather use a-a pamphlet.

DAVY:
Isn’t this fun? Heh.

INT. KXIW-TV STUDIOS - REGISTRATION ROOM

PETER:
Well, here he is, our Miss—uh, here she is, our Miss Jones.

MICKY:
Nice ???. Lovely singer.

BLAVAT:
Yes. Oh, yes.

PETER:
Sign us up. We’re The Monkees.

MIKE:
Yes, sir.

DAVY:
Heh heh.

PETER:
Ta-da.

MICKY:
♪ Hello ♪

MIKE:
Goodbye.

PETER:
♪ Hello ♪

DAVY:
Goodbye.

BLAVAT:
Okay, boys and girl, you’re now officially entered in the KXIW Rockathon Contest, and you, my sweet, you are very cute, my love.

MICKY:
Huh huh huh huh.

DAVY:
So are you.

MIKE:
Hey! You be nice to him.

MICKY:
Money. Money. Anything for money!

DAVY:
Right.

INT. THE PAD

DAVY:
I’m telling you, fellas, it’s not going to work.

MIKE:
No.

DAVY:
They’re bound to find out I’m not a girl.

INT. WEST MINSTREL ABBEYS’ HOUSE

DAPHNE:
I’m telling you, girls, it’ll never work. They’re bound to find out I’m not a boy.

INT. KXIW-TV STUDIOS - STAGE

BLAVAT:
Great. Fantastic. Westminster Abbies.

“Last Train to Clarksville”

MIKE:
You know, those chicks are pretty good, those chicks are.

MICKY:
Great looking chick. Ah.

PETER:
I like them ???.

MIKE:
Yes, sir.

DAVY:
That guy with the beard’s a bit effeminate, isn’t he?

BLAVAT:
Westminster Abbies! Fantastic, weren’t they, huh? That’s Harmony, Melody, Capophone. Fantastic. And, oh, the boy. That was William the Conqueror. Terrific. And now, let’s see what the applause meter has to say. How about that? The highest reading on the meter: a ninety-eight point six.

DAVY:
Seems normal enough to me.

BLAVAT:
And now, we got to bring on the last group of the day, a fantastic group. Three guys and a chick. They’re called The Monkees. Let’s really ??? My favorite of all of the favorite. You look terrific.

MIKE:
Okay. Okay, fellas.

MICKY:
Outta sight.

MIKE:
Not a chance.

BLAVAT:
Fantastic. She’s just too much.

“The Door Into Summer”

BLAVAT:
She’s trying to get offstage.

BLAVAT:
I like the arm around her neck.

BLAVAT:
Oh! Get her back on stage immediately!

BLAVAT:
Darling, come over here.

BLAVAT:
Fantastic. What a beautiful girl. To think that I flipped over her like that.

BLAVAT:
She’s too much.

PETER:
Curtsy.

MIKE:
Ooh!

BLAVAT:
Those were the fantastic Monkees. Three guys and one girl phenomenon. Now, let’s see what they get on the applause meter. A ninety-eight point six.

MICKY:
Yay!

BLAVAT:
What? It’s phenomenal! It’s a tie!

DAPHNE, MAXINE, WEST MINSTREL ABBEY DRUMMER:
A tie?

DAVY, PETER:
A tie?

MICKY:
Aw!

BLAVAT:
Yes, a tie! Now, you know what that means.

MICKY:
What are we gonna do about the tie?

BLAVAT:
That means that tomorrow night, we bring both groups back, and it’s gonna be fantastic.

PETER:
Hold on. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

DAVY:
I’m not gonna do this—

MIKE:
Don’t worry.

BLAVAT:
The Westminster Abbies fighting The Monkees. Don’t miss it. It will be phenomenal. It will be a battle of the sounds.

INT. THE PAD

DAVY:
I gotta tell you, guys. I really feel good getting out of this ridiculous outfit.

MICKY:
Wait—

MIKE:
Now, wait a minute—

MICKY:
You can’t get out of those clothes yet.

MIKE:
Not a chance.

DAVY:
Well, why not?

MIKE:
Well, what if somebody from the show should come by?

MICKY:
Yeah.

DAVY:
Oh, Mike, that’s ridiculous.

BLAVAT (V.O.):
Miss Jones?

EXT. THE PAD

BLAVAT:
The Geator here. Big boss with the big hot sauce, Jerry Blavat, Miss Jones.

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
See?

DAVY:
You were right.

BLAVAT (V.O.):
Miss Jones?

EXT. THE PAD

BLAVAT:
Bid me enter, sweetie. I’ve got a beautiful bouquet of roses, and I must see you.

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
You better answer him; may get suspicious.

DAVY:
Um, I’m c—uh, I’m coming. Hey, what about you guys?

MIKE:
We’ll hide.

MICKY:
We’ll hide.

MIKE:
We’ll hide.

MICKY:
We’ll hide. Come on, Peter. No.

BLAVAT:
Ah, Miss Jones, you’ve snapped my mind. I love you. I love you, darling. Look what I brought for you: flowers.

MICKY:
I think he’s kind of cute.

MIKE:
Yeah.

PETER:
You would.

BLAVAT:
I’ve loved you from the first moment I’ve saw you.

DAVY:
Oh, Mr. Blavat, you’re too kind.

BLAVAT:
No, don’t call me Mr. Blavat. Call me the Geator. Jerry to you.

DAVY:
Oh, Jerry!

BLAVAT:
I’ve got big things planned for you—

DAVY:
Oh!

BLAVAT:
—my chickadee. Believe me. Let me tell you something. If you play your cards right, you may win the contest.

DAVY:
Oh, uh, oh, really?

MICKY:
Davy’s winning.

MIKE:
I think he’s kinda cute.

PETER:
Davy’s ahead.

BLAVAT:
Never in my life have I, The Geator With The Heater, snapped over a fox such as you. You are devastating. It must be the mini. It must be something about you that makes my mind crazy with love.

MIKE:
His mind was snapped before he came in, you know that.

DAVY:
Well, I’ll have to think about it.

BLAVAT:
Think about it? Until tomorrow, perhaps, but then after that, my love will be all consuming. I must leave you.

MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
Bleh!

MICKY:
Uh!

BLAVAT:
But until tomorrow. Remember, darling, I will be waiting for you. My mind, my love for…

DAVY:
Blah!

MICKY:
He likes you.

PETER:
All you have to do is go out with him, and we have a cinch to win.

MIKE:
Yeah, as a matter of fact, if you let him kiss you, you might own a television station.

DAVY:
One more remark like that, and I’ll hit you with me purse.

INT. THE PAD - DOWNSTAIRS BEDROOM

PETER:
Hey, Davy, man. Come on. We’re going out to dinner. Why don’t you, uh, grab your purse and let’s go?

DAVY:
Very funny.

MIKE:
Hey, wait a minute. Purse. That’s horrible.

DAVY:
Listen, if I have to go out to dinner dressed as a girl, I’d rather stay home.

MICKY:
Well, uh, can we bring you anything?

DAVY:
Tuna fish sandwich.

PETER:
Right.

MICKY:
Tuna fish sandwich.

PETER:
One tuna fish sandwich.

MIKE:
Tuna fish sandwich, coming up.

INT. WEST MINSTREL ABBEYS’ HOUSE

MAXINE:
Well, what do you say?

DAPHNE:
No! If I have to go dressed like a boy, I won’t go.

MAXINE:
Okay, we’ll bring you a tuna fish sandwich. Bye.

DAPHNE:
Gee, what a wonderful way to spend a beautiful moonlit Saturday night.

INT. THE PAD - DOWNSTAIRS BEDROOM

DAVY:
All alone. What a life.

INT. WEST MINSTREL ABBEYS’ HOUSE

DAPHNE:
I can’t stand it any longer.

INT. THE PAD - DOWNSTAIRS BEDROOM

DAVY:
I’m gonna flip out if I stay here. I wanna gonna go out.

INT. WEST MINSTREL ABBEYS’ HOUSE

DAPHNE:
I’ll play it safe and go where they’ll never find me.

INT. THE PAD - DOWNSTAIRS BEDROOM

DAVY:
To some little out of the way place that nobody goes.

INT. SOME LITTLE OUT OF THE WAY PLACE THAT NOBODY GOES, SOUTHSIDE BRANCH

PIERRE:
Uh, may I help you?

DAVY:
Uh, no. I mean, yes.!I’d like a very secluded booth, please.

PIERRE:
I have a booth which is so secluded that last week, three of our best waiters disappeared while trying to find it. Uh, follow me, please.

DAVY:
♪ La la-la la, la la-la la… ♪
Oh. I’m sorry. I didn’t realize anybody was… sitting here. You’re beautiful.

DAPHNE:
You’re… you’re divine.

PIERRE:
Uh, sir, there’s been a mistake. Uh, this booth is obviously occupied. Eh. Eh. Amour.

DAPHNE:
And now, after all these years of lonely searching, we finally found each other. How wonderful.

DAVY:
And nothing will ever part us.

MIKE:
Oh!

PETER:
Oh, Michael.

MICKY:
I’ve never ever been so hungry in all my life.

MIKE:
I tell you, I’m gonna have more spaghetti than this place sells.

PETER:
Hey, listen, don’t forget Davy’s tuna fish sandwich.

MIKE:
Not a chance.

MICKY:
And a salami that’s long and hairy.

MIKE:
Salamis.

DAVY:
I’ve got to go.

DAPHNE:
Well, what’s wrong? What’s happening?

DAVY:
Everything’s okay, but when you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go.

DAPHNE:
Wait, my darling. You forgot your high heels?

INT. THE PAD - DOWNSTAIRS BEDROOM

MIKE:
Oh, there, you see, man. He’s out like a light.

MICKY:
Yeah. But I still think I saw him there.

DAVY:
Hi, fellas. Where have you been?

MICKY:
It was the, uh, uh, the, um—

DAVY:
Some Little Out of The Way Place That Nobody Goes?

MICKY:
Yeah. That’s it. Yeah, the southside branch.

DAVY:
Oh.

MIKE:
It’s too bad you couldn’t come with us, but we’ll see you in the morning, okay? We’ll leave this out on the kitchen table. Night.

MICKY:
Night, Davy.

MIKE:
Wait a minute. How did you know where we ate?

DAVY:
[snoring]

MICKY, MIKE:
Davy?

MIKE:
Hm.

INT. KXIW-TV STUDIOS - DRESSING ROOM #2

MICKY:
Hurry up and finish you makeup and meet us on stage in ten minutes. Okay, Davy? Where’s your other shoe?

DAVY:
I don’t know where she is. I mean, uh, um, I always call my shoes he and she, you see, and-and then I don’t get mixed up. Ha ha.

MICKY:
Sure, Dave.

PETER:
Sure. Right.

MICKY:
Sure, babe.

PETER:
Right.

MICKY:
We’ll see you out there on stage. Bye, Davy.

PETER:
Ten minutes, right?

MICKY:
Ten minutes, babe.

INT. KXIW-TV STUDIOS - DRESSING ROOM HALLWAY

BLAVAT:
♪ Na ha-ha ha-ha, ha ha, ha ha, da da da… ♪

INT. KXIW-TV STUDIOS - DRESSING ROOM #1

DAVY:
Ooh! It’s you. Don’t you remember me?

DAPHNE:
Yes, you’re one of The Monkees.

DAVY:
That’s right. I mean—oh! I-I-I’m-I’m s—I’m sorry I bothered you. It’ll—it won’t happen again.

DAPHNE:
Wait. I have a feeling I’ve seen you some place before. Your face—

DAVY:
Well, I look very much like my uncle. He’s—his picture’s in post offices all over the country. Ha!

DAPHNE:
And you’re only wearing one shoe.

DAVY:
Well, that’s what happens when you get dressed in the dark. Ha!

DAPHNE:
And the shoe is just like… like this one. It’s you.

DAVY:
That’s right.

DAPHNE:
But I don’t understand. Why are you dressed like that? Why didn’t you tell me who you really were?

DAVY:
Well, I’ve been putting everybody on, you see, and-and besides that, I didn’t think that a girl as nice and considerate and as pretty as you would-would go for somebody that wasn’t honest. I’m sorry. I won’t bother you again.

DAPHNE:
Wait. I want you to know the truth about me.

DAVY:
But why? I don’t understand. You don’t have to answer that. I-I really do understand.

DAPHNE:
What have we done?

DAVY:
I don’t know, but it was terribly wrong.

INT. KXIW-TV STUDIOS - REGISTRATION ROOM

BLAVAT:
You deceived me! You’re not a girl, you’re a boy, and the contest specifically says that this is for mixed groups. You are disqualified.

DAVY:
But we are a mixed group.

BLAVAT:
No, you’re not a mixed group.

DAVY:
Watch this.

INT. KXIW-TV STUDIOS - STAGE

“She Hangs Out”

BLAVAT:
Oh, yeah. Girls! My heart now is mended.

INT. THE PAD

DAVY:
♪ I know a girl, her name is love ♪
♪ She is the girl that I dream of ♪
♪ She shows me love I never knew ♪
♪ She’d show you how to love me too ♪

CHARLIE SMALLS:
♪ La la la la, la la la ♪

DAVY:
Hey, Charlie. Charlie. Listen. Listen. I wanna ask you a question, man. Oh, first of all, let me introduce you to the people. This is Charlie Smalls. He’s a friend of mine from New York, and now he’s out in California, and we’re writing songs together, and this is one of our first songs, right?

CHARLIE SMALLS:
Right.

DAVY:
Tell me, why don’t I have soul? You’ve known me all these years. Why don’t I have soul?

CHARLIE SMALLS:
You do have soul, but I have to explain it to you, uh, rhythmically. That’s the only way I can really talk is in music. Your soul would emanate on the accented beats one and three, where my soul emanates on the accented beats two and four, and to give you a good example of that, The Beatles—

DAVY:
Yeah?

CHARLIE SMALLS:
—play hard and funky on the one and three.

DAVY:
Ha ha ha. Funky!

CHARLIE SMALLS:
But really, Ringo plays the hardest one and three I’ve ever heard in my life. Now if you clap four, I’ll show you. One—

CHARLIE SMALLS, DAVY:
—two, three, four. One, two, three, four.

DAVY:
One, two, three, four.

CHARLIE SMALLS:
♪ Mm, ba, mm-mm, ba ♪

DAVY:
One, two, three, four.

CHARLIE SMALLS:
♪ Mm, ba, mm-mm, ba ♪

DAVY:
One, two, three, four.

CHARLIE SMALLS:
♪ Mm, ba, mm-mm, ba ♪

DAVY:
One.

CHARLIE SMALLS:
That’s—

DAVY:
Yeah, right.

CHARLIE SMALLS:
That’s the whole thing.

DAVY:
Yeah.

CHARLIE SMALLS:
It swings.

DAVY:
I have—

CHARLIE SMALLS:
As long as it swings, it’s soul.

DAVY:
That’s one and three, right?

CHARLIE SMALLS:
Right. Now, an example of two and four would be—

DAVY:
Now one and three is—

CHARLIE SMALLS:
—more of a Motown sound.

DAVY:
—one and three is like, is white soul, right?

CHARLIE SMALLS:
Right. Exactly.

DAVY:
And the, and the two and four is the Motown?

CHARLIE SMALLS:
The two and four is Motown soul, brother, so, you know, give me something here, give me five over here. Uh, it would be the Motown soul, which would be, if—clap again. One—

CHARLIE SMALLS, DAVY:
—two, three, four.

DAVY:
One, two, three, four.

CHARLIE SMALLS:
♪ Mm, ba, shicky-doogie-doo, ba ♪

DAVY:
One, two, three—oh, yeah!

CHARLIE SMALLS:
♪ Mm, ba, shicky-doogie-doo, ba ♪

DAVY:
The accent now is on the two and the four.

CHARLIE SMALLS:
♪ Mm, ba, shicky-doogie-doo, ba ♪
Look, I almost got carried away. Excuse me. I’m sorry. Anyway. But you can do the same thing if you take a two soul, which is emanating from Brazil, and you play…
♪ Mm, be-doo-be ♪
♪ Mm, be-doo-be ♪
♪ Mm, be-doo-be ♪
♪ Mm, be-doo-be-doo ♪
♪ Mm, be-doo-be ♪
♪ Mm ♪

DAVY:
One… two… one… one, two!

CHARLIE SMALLS:
Right.

DAVY:
Yeah. Right.

CHARLIE SMALLS:
♪ Mm, be-doo-shicky ♪
♪ Mm ♪
Right. We’re gonna do soul together and come up with the same tune.

DAVY:
Yeah. Right.

CHARLIE SMALLS:
Wanna try it again? Let’s see.

DAVY:
♪ I know a girl, her name is love ♪
♪ She is the girl that I dream of ♪
♪ She gives me love I never knew ♪
♪ She’d show you how to love me too ♪

CHARLIE SMALLS:
♪ La la-la la, la la la la ♪

DAVY:
It’s all the same, right? So everyone’s got soul.

CHARLIE SMALLS:
♪ La la-la ♪
Everybody’s got soul.

DAVY:
It’s just a different kind of soul.

CHARLIE SMALLS:
Swing it, and you got soul, man.

DAVY:
A one and three, and a two and four.

CHARLIE SMALLS:
And two—

DAVY:
And this is a one and two.

CHARLIE SMALLS:
Everybody swing.

DAVY:
Yay!
♪ Da da-da da, da da-da da ♪

CHARLIE SMALLS:
♪ La la-la la, la-la la ♪

DAVY:
♪ Da da-da da, da da-da da ♪

CHARLIE SMALLS:
♪ La la-la laaa, la la, la la-la la la ♪

DAVY:
Hey!

CHARLIE SMALLS:
♪ La la-la la la-la la ♪

DAVY:
Play it again.

CHARLIE SMALLS:
♪ La la-la la ♪
♪ Be-doogie-doo ba ♪
♪ Mm, ba, shicky-doogie-doo, ba ♪
♪ Mm, ba, shicky-doogie-doo, ba ♪

DAVY:
Hey!

CHARLIE SMALLS:
♪ Mm, ba, shicky-doogie-doo, ba ♪
♪ Mm, ba, shicky-doogie-doo, ba ♪
♪ Mm, ba, mm-mm, ba ♪

CHARLIE SMALLS, DAVY:
♪ Mm, ba, mm-mm, ba ♪