“The Devil and Peter Tork” Script

INT. MR. ZERO’S PAWN SHOP

PETER:
Hello? Anybody home? Oh!

ZERO:
Buying or selling?

PETER:
Well, neither; just browsing.

ZERO:
Before the day is out, you may be doing a little of both.

PETER:
You have a lot of groovy instruments here.

ZERO:
They represent the lives of musicians who have, uh, shall we say, fallen on bad times.

PETER:
Don’t they ever come back to claim these?

ZERO:
You know how musicians are; here today, gone tomorrow.

PETER:
That’s very true; I’m a musician, and I’m here today myself.

ZERO:
Well, then! Look around.

PETER:
A harp. Oh, this is beautiful. Ah! Look at that work. Oh, this is fine. I’ve always loved the harp.

ZERO:
I’m sure that when you say “love”, you mean “need” or “desire”; no one loves things anymore.

PETER:
I do. I love this harp. But I don’t have any money.

ZERO:
What a pity.

PETER:
I’d give anything for this harp.

ZERO:
Well, in that case. Just sign this simple contract, and the harp is yours. Play now, pay later.

PETER:
Sort of like consignment.

ZERO:
Exactly.

PETER:
This is awfully kind of you.

ZERO:
This is himself. Make a reservation for one. I’ve just purchased the soul of a Mr. Peter Tork.

EXT. STREET

NARRATOR (V.O.):
Soul. Some say it’s a man’s heart or spirit. Certainly without it, we cannot survive, for no man can live without love.

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

INT. THE PAD

PETER:
It’s a beautiful harp, isn’t it?

MIKE:
Yeah, it’s a beautiful harp, and, uh, beautiful music comes from beautiful harps. Everyone I know loves a harp. There’s only one thing.

PETER:
Hm?

MIKE:
You can’t play the harp.

MICKY:
That’s right, babe; you better bring it back.

PETER:
Hey guys? I guess you’re right, Mike. I-I can’t play the harp.

MIKE:
Yeah, I-I know it’s a drag, Pete, but, uh, you’ll be a whole lot better if you’ll just take it back. Woo! You better cut down on your smoking! Yuck!

ZERO:
Who’s this?

PETER:
That’s Mike.

MIKE:
Who’s this?

PETER:
That’s Mr. Zero; he’s the one who sold me the harp.

ZERO:
What do you need him for, now that you have your harp?

MIKE:
Oh, well, you know, I do odd jobs around here, like I clean the kitchen, or I sweep up and—

ZERO:
You won’t need people like him anymore, Peter. I can make you famous.

MIKE:
I’ll see you guys later.

ZERO:
Now Peter, you can play. Play, Peter.

PETER:
I know this isn’t a joke, because you wouldn’t joke about a thing like this knowing how I feel about the harp, ’cause it would be a very cruel joke.

ZERO:
I’m not joking. Play, Peter. Yes, Peter, I can make you famous.

MICKY:
Hey, Pete, that’s, huh, that’s pretty good.

MIKE:
Yeah, uh-uh-uh, how’d you learn to do that so fast?

PETER:
Mr. Zero taught m—he’s gone.

DAVY:
Hey, I thought you were gonna get rid of that thing.

MICKY:
No, wait, he’s really into it.

DAVY:
But it takes up too much room!

MICKY:
Well, well, show him, Pete, go ahead.

MIKE:
Yeah.

DAVY:
That’s what I said, it’s, uh, it’s nice to have a harp around the house. Heh heh.

PETER:
You think it could work it into the act?

MICKY:
Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Rock ’n’ roll group gains fame and fortune by introducing harp into act!

MIKE:
Come on, Micky. Man, everybody knows that nobody in the world was ever an overnight success.

MIKE [on the phone]:
Hello?

MAN (V.O.):
Harry’s Booking Agency. I understand you guys have a harp act?

MIKE [on the phone]:
A harp act? Uh, you’re right.

MAN (V.O.):
You’re going to be an overnight success.

MIKE [on the phone]:
Uh-huh. Well, uh, thank you very much.

MIKE:
Hm, that’s a flash.

MICKY:
What?

MIKE:
That we’re going to be an overnight success.

INT. THE PAD

MICKY:
Keep playing Peter, I can’t believe all the mail that is coming in, man. Another five hundred letters.

DAVY:
Oh boy, man, we’ve got so many offers. We’ve got one here from London, Chicago, New York.

ZERO:
Peter.

MICKY:
Who’s that? Is it that that, uh, Zero guy?

MIKE:
Yeah, Smokey the Bear.

ZERO:
Well, Peter, are you pleased?

PETER:
I like the music, Mr. Zero. When I play the harp, it makes people happy.

ZERO:
Of course, and the money is unimportant, eh? Now, there’s one piece of unfinished business yet to discuss.

DAVY:
Ooh!

ZERO:
The contract.

MIKE:
Oh-ho-ho-ho, uh, the hitch, right? Had to be a hitch. Ah. Excuse me. Look at this. Says… Peter… Peter! This is a contract with the devil!

ZERO:
I’m so glad I don’t have to introduce myself.

MIKE:
It says you sold your soul…

PETER:
I don’t believe in devils.

ZERO:
Precisely why your soul is so interesting; innocence is at a premium.

MICKY:
Come on, man; you’re putting us on.

MIKE:
Uh, he’s the, he’s the devil.

DAVY:
He really is the devil.

MICKY:
Devil or not, he’s a rotten house guest.

ZERO:
Well, Peter, I think we’d better go. You know, according to the terms of the contract, your soul must be turned over by midnight.

DAVY:
Ooh!

MIKE:
Well, well, wait a minute; it’s only eight o’clock!

ZERO:
Just trying to beat the crosstown traffic.

MIKE:
Yeah, alright, well, Peter wants his other four hours, please, thank you.

ZERO:
Of course! Use all your time. But remember, midnight.

MIKE:
Uh buh. Sorry, man, there’s no…

DAVY:
Don’t get too upset, Peter. It might not be all that bad.

MICKY:
Ah, nah, of course not, man! All those things you read about, it couldn’t be true.

MIKE:
It’s okay, Pete. I-it’ll be alright. Don’t, don’t worry. We’ll, we’ll do something.

PETER:
Fellas, I’m scared. I don’t want to go to h…

“Salesman”

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
Ooh. So that’s, uh, that’s what [cuckoo] is all about.

DAVY:
Yeah, [cuckoo] is pretty scary.

MICKY:
You know what’s even more scary?

PETER:
What?

MICKY:
You can’t say [cuckoo] on television.

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
Now look. There’s no reason to get uptight. No reason to lose our senses. We’ve gotta remember that we’re dealing with a cool, diabolical mind.

PETER:
Thank you!

MIKE:
No, I’m talking about the devil.

PETER:
Oh.

MICKY:
Don’t worry, guys, I’ve everything under control. When he comes in that door, I’m gonna take this wooden stake and… huh! Tickle his nose.

ZERO:
Are you ready, Peter?

MICKY:
Uh, no, no, he’s not ready. You see, he, uh, well, he left his suit in the cleaners, and he’s not ready to go.

DAVY:
And not only that, he’s got to write a letter to his mother, haven’t ya?

PETER:
I have a million things to do. Couldn’t it be tomorrow?

MIKE:
Oh, I remember reading in the paper, where, be, due to lack of interest, tomorrow was canceled, so we’ll have to make it the day after tomorrow.

ZERO:
Don’t worry, Peter; you’ll like it down below.

PETER:
What about the fires?

ZERO:
People are always talking about the fires. You don’t burn; all you feel is a sense of depression.

DAVY:
Uh, wa-wait a minute, Mr. Zero. I’d like to make a deal with you. It doesn’t really matter who you take. Why don’t you leave Peter and take me instead?

ZERO:
My contract is with Peter!

DAVY:
No, no, you’re not taking him, he’s staying here.

ZERO:
It’s twelve o’clock, Peter, time to go.

MICKY:
No, you can’t have him, devil! You can’t have him! He’s gonna stay here.

ZERO:
Peter, come along, Peter.

MICKY:
No, he can’t leave!

ZERO:
Let go! Let go!

PETER:
Hey, wa—

ZERO:
Come on, Peter!

MICKY:
No, Peter’s ours, and you can’t have him!

PETER:
Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute. Couldn’t you flip a coin, and I’ll go with the winner?

MICKY:
No, Peter, you’re coming with us!

MIKE:
Wait a minute. We really can’t stop him if he has a contract.

ZERO:
Exactly.

MIKE:
That is, if your contract’s good.

ZERO:
It’s legal and valid.

MIKE:
Well, I don’t think so, and I’m willing to go to court to test it.

ZERO:
Why can’t you young people just accept the devil and be done with it? We have, uh, ten more minutes to go. We will convene a court.

INT. HELL COURTROOM

ZERO:
Presiding over the court, Judge Roy Bean.

BEAN:
Guilty!

ZERO:
Sometimes known as the hanging judge.

BEAN:
Hang ’em!

MIKE:
Now wait a minute!

ZERO:
The jury will consist of twelve condemned men from Devil’s Island.

JURY:
You’ll soon be one of us. You’ll soon be one of us.

MICKY:
Don’t worry, Peter, heh heh. It’s, be like, kind of like joining a club.

JURY:
Welcome to the club.

PETER:
I wish they wouldn’t do that.

BEAN:
Guilty!

ZERO:
I would like to call the first witness, Billy the Kid.

DAVY:
Why do they call him the kid?

MICKY:
Well, because, he, he, uh, he doesn’t kid. Heh heh. Sorry. Heh.

MIKE:
No, it’s okay.

ZERO:
Billy, remember we entered into a contract in the year eighteen eighty-two. I promised, in return for your soul, to make you the most famous gunfighter in the west, and did I keep my part of the bargain?

BILLY:
You sure did. And I’ll shoot the first man who says you didn’t.

ZERO:
Your witness.

MICKY:
Who’ll take the first defense?

MIKE:
Oh, I don’t know, why don’t you take it?

MICKY:
Ah, no—

DAVY:
Let’s choose for it.

MICKY:
Yeah, let’s, uh, let’s choose fingers for it. Uh, uh, the odd finger’s it. Ready?

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE:
One, two, three!

MICKY:
Well, you have the odd finger, Mike.

MIKE:
Well, I don’t see what’s so odd about my finger. It’s that it’s just as normal as everybody else.

MICKY:
You have the odd finger, Mike.

MIKE:
Well, I’ve seen my fingers around a lot.

MICKY:
You have the odd finger, Mike.

MIKE:
I’ve got the odd finger. I gotta go talk to Billy Poo here, huh? Say something, like, uh, well, Mr. Kid. Uh, duh, that’s just a figure of speech. Ha ha.

BILLY:
Speak your peace. It’s gon’ to be your last.

MIKE:
Now then, um, in eighteen eighty-two, Mr. Zero promised to make you the most famous gunfighter in the west, did he not?

BILLY:
That’s right.

MIKE:
Well, he did, and you are, and I don’t think there’s really anything else to talk about. You just pull your gun right out there, and shoot people, and be famous. Well, there’s no sense in antagonizing the jury.

JURY:
You’ll soon be one of us.

MICKY:
They look antagonized enough as it is.

ZERO:
Shall we close the case?

MICKY:
Your honor, I insist that the, uh, prosecution call another witness.

BEAN:
On what grounds?

MICKY:
On the, uh, on the grounds, that, um, the television show’s not over, huh. We have to, huh, have a little more. How was that, was that pretty good?

ZERO:
Of course. Why not? I have many clients.

DAVY:
Don’t worry; we’ll get him on the next witness.

ZERO:
I call to the stand Blackbeard the Pirate, the scourge of the seas.

BLACKBEARD:
Ha ha ha ha. Yo ho ho and a bottle o’ rum, I smell the blood of an Englishman.

DAVY:
Ooh! That’s me. It’s me.

MICKY:
Wait, Davy…

MIKE:
Davy, Davy…

DAVY:
Excuse me, Mr. Black, uh, Mr. Beard, I was, uh…

BLACKBEARD:
Drink?

DAVY:
Oh, no, thank you.

BLACKBEARD:
What’s your name, lad?

DAVY:
Um, David Jones.

BLACKBEARD:
So you want to go to sea, do ya?

DAVY:
Oh, no, I don’t want to go to sea.

BLACKBEARD:
A ha, sure you do. The rough sea makes rough men.

DAVY:
No, excuse me, Mr. Black, um.

BLACKBEARD:
I always did like young sailors with the swell of the ocean in their veins.

DAVY:
Don’t say swell.

BLACKBEARD:
The rocking motion of the waves.

DAVY:
Don’t say rock.

BLACKBEARD:
The fresh salt sea air.

DAVY:
Don’t say air, please. Ah!

MIKE:
Why’ve we stopped? I get sick being still.

DAVY:
Was that a rough crossing.

MICKY:
Don’t worry, Davy; we’ll get him on the next witness.

PETER:
Yeah.

ZERO:
And, for my last witness, Attila the Hun.

MICKY:
At last, a, uh, co-operative witness.

MIKE:
A big fella. Alright, look. You go in there, and you pin him down. Don’t let him get away on a point.

MICKY:
No, baby.

MIKE:
No.

MICKY:
Won’t let him go.

MIKE:
Lawyer time!

MICKY:
Just like Inherit the Wind, boy.

MIKE:
Sure.

MICKY:
I’m gonna learn that.

MIKE:
Inherit the Wind, sure.

DAVY:
Go do it, Micky.

MICKY:
Spencer Tracy, baby.

MIKE:
You!

MICKY:
Here I go.

MIKE:
Go!

MICKY:
Alright. Alright, Mr. Hun. Uh, just as a point of clarification, what year did you enter your contract with the devil?

ATTILA:
Ka-moe-sheen-ga-la!

MICKY:
H-ha-ba, ha-ba-so-mee-bo-goy-ya?

ATTILA:
Ko-shee-mee-tee-lee.

MICKY:
Ha, ha. So-mee-guy, so-my-cha.

ATTILA:
Wa-zoo-ma-la.

MICKY:
My-ga-so-mee, saw-mee-my-ka, goy-ya?!

ATTILA:
Ka-zee-mee-tee-lee!

MICKY:
Ah-sha-mee! Kah-show-mee! Nye-wee-tah!

ATTILA:
Nye-cha-duh-buh-cha! Oh-so-mah-lah-tah! Ah-slah-mah-ta!

MICKY:
???

ATTILA:
???

MICKY:
???

ATTILA:
???

MICKY:
???

ATTILA:
???

MIKE:
Wah-kah-chai-lah!

MICKY:
What’d you say?

MIKE:
I don’t know!

ZERO:
The prosecution rests.

MICKY:
Then the defense will rest also. Hm.

BEAN:
Until what time would you like to rest?

MICKY:
Until we think of something better. Hm.

BEAN:
I think we’ve heard enough! We can pass sentence.

MIKE:
Wait a minute! Uh, the defense would like to call its first witness.

BEAN:
And who is that?

MIKE:
Mr. Zero.

ZERO:
Why, I’d be only too happy to take the stand.

DAVY:
Would you please raise your right hand and put your left hand on the bible.

ZERO:
You must be joking.

DAVY:
Um, can I interest anybody in taking a quick peek at this book here? It’s been on the best seller list for many years.

BEAN:
We don’t read.

MICKY:
Well, uh, you don’t have to read the book. Why don’t we, we run the picture for you? Three hours of glorious color in a full wide screen with stereophonic sound and popcorn, hm.

ZERO:
My dear boy, I appeared in that picture. The garden scene. I played the snake.

MIKE:
Now, uh, Mr. Zero. Aside from these witnesses, what else do you present as evidence?

ZERO:
This contract. In exchange for fame, fortune, and the ability to play the harp, I purchased Peter Tork’s soul. Is this your signature, Mr. Tork?

PETER:
Don’t call me mister; I’m just a kid.

BEAN:
Guilty!

MIKE:
Well, I say that that contract is null and void, because in fact, Mr. Zero, you didn’t give Peter anything in return for his soul.

ZERO:
I gave him fame and fortune.

MIKE:
Well, you gave him fame and fortune, perhaps, but Peter didn’t want fame and fortune, you see. All Peter wanted was just his music. He just wanted to play the harp, that’s all.

ZERO:
I gave him the ability to play the harp… in return for his soul.

PETER:
You know, it was almost worth it.

MIKE:
No, you didn’t give him the ability to play the harp. You see, you see, Peter loved the harp, and he loved, he loved the music that came from the harp, and that was inside of him. And, uh, it came… um, it was… the power of that love was inside of Peter. I-it was in-inside of him from the first. And it was that kind of power that-that made Peter able to play the harp, and, uh, you didn’t have anything to do with it at all.

ZERO:
Ha ha ha ha, ooh hoo ha ha ha ha!

MIKE:
Don’t you understand what, uh, what that means, when you have that inside of you, what, what, what comes out? It… um, if you love music, man, you can play music. If, uh, people say well, I can’t carry a note, I can’t, I can’t say, I can’t sing, I, I’m tone deaf. But nobody’s tone deaf, and if you love music, then you can play music. And all it takes is just love, because, uh, because, baby, in the final analysis, love is power. That’s where the power’s at. And, and, and you want to tell me that you gave it to him, but I know different, because I’m a musician. And, uh, well, that’s really all there is to that.

ZERO:
Love? Ho ho ho ho, ha ha ha ha! Oh, you make me laugh! Ha ha ha. There, I’ve taken the power away. He’s exactly as I found him. There’s your harp. See what he can do with it now.

MIKE:
Okay, go play the harp.

PETER:
Michael, I can’t.

MIKE:
D-didn’t you hear what I said to Zero, man? Look. The power’s inside you. Nobody can give it to you; nobody can take it away. Now go play the harp.

PETER:
Okay, Mike.

BEAN:
I declare the defendant… not guilty!

JURY:
Yay!

ZERO:
Ahh!

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
Yay!

BEAN:
Do you know “Melancholy Baby”?

MIKE:
???

“No Time”