“Too Many Girls (Davy and Fern)” Script

INT. THE PAD

MICKY, PETER:
♪ Not your steppin’ stone ♪
♪ Not your steppin’ stone ♪
♪ Not your steppin’ stone ♪
♪ Not— ♪

MIKE:
Davy? Davy? Hey, Davy?

MICKY:
Man, that’s the third time today!

PETER:
Hey, Davy? Davy, come back. Davy? No use; he’s gone.

MIKE:
Yeah, there’s gotta be a girl around here somewhere.

MICKY:
There she is, over there.

MIKE:
Oh.

PETER:
Miss, can you leave so we could get some rehearsing, yeah, ??? You know how it is. ???

MICKY:
??? We can’t rehearse with Davy. He gets all, you know. Thank you very much.

DAVY:
♪ Not your steppin’ stone ♪
♪ Not your steppin’ stone ♪

MICKY:
Davy?

DAVY:
♪ Not your steppin’ stone ♪
Ye—hey, fellas, come on, wh-what—are you gonna sing? Oh, no.

MICKY:
It happened, a girl.

MIKE:
Yeah, you were, yeah. Seven seconds.

MICKY:
Uh-huh. Again. A girl.

MIKE:
You’ve been out of it. Phew.

DAVY:
Listen, I’ll tell you what, fellas, I’ll never look at another girl, ever.

MICKY:
Uh-huh.

MIKE:
Would you mind to make that in the form of a vow?

DAVY:
Yeah, I’d love to.

MICKY:
Oh.

MIKE:
Okay, I.

DAVY:
I.

MIKE:
Vow.

DAVY:
Vow.

MIKE:
No more.

DAVY:
No more.

MIKE:
Girls.

DAVY:
Girls.

MIKE:
Get her out of here.

MICKY:
Come on.

MIKE:
Out, out, out, out, out, out, out, out, oh.

MICKY:
Please, we can’t rehearse when there’s girls around, and Davy can’t rehearse, he can’t practice, he can’t play, he can’t do anything when there’s a girl around. Please, he’ll see you later, honest.

MIKE:
I’m gonna hold you to that vow, you know that, don’t you? Thank you. Because you—you’ll have to go. You see, Davy’s been ill. Nobody’s ???.

MICKY:
That’s right, baby. Oh, out, out, out, out, out, out, out, out, out, out, out! Out!

PETER:
Come here, I’m sorry, you d—we’re trying to rehearse.

MIKE:
??? in five minutes. Bye. Hey, wait, hold it—back, back, easy. Oh, they’re getting stronger all the time.

PETER:
Oh, no kidding, man.

MICKY:
He’s gonna be the death of us yet.

PETER:
You know it.

MIKE:
Oh, I think that about does it. Do you see any more, Micky?

MICKY:
No, I don’t see any more. How ’bout you, Pete?

PETER:
No, how about you, Davy?

MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
Davy!

PETER:
Poor Davy.

MIKE:
He’s helpless, trapped by his own staggering good looks.

MICKY:
I myself am deeply jealous.

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

EXT. YE OLDE TEA ROOM

BADDERLY:
Ah, ha ha ha ha. Here they come now.

MICKY:
Oh no!

BADDERLY:
The little one is Davy. Get ready! He’s English; he likes tea. Do your stuff.

FERN:
But, mother—

BADDERLY:
Don’t “mother” me! Now, you’re going to have a career in show business, and you’re going to have it with that boy.

MICKY:
Hey, look!

INT. YE OLDE TEA ROOM

BADDERLY:
Yes, Mr. Hack. Uh, yes, my daughter Fern is working up an act for your TV amateur show.

DAVY:
Tea room.

MICKY:
Huh!

BADDERLY:
Yes, she found a partner like you suggested.

FERN:
But—

DAVY:
You care for a spot of tea?

MICKY:
Rather have the whole cup.

DAVY:
Ah ha ha.

BADDERLY:
Goodbye, sir. Pepper and a nail. Ah ha ha, ha ha, ha! Now, you do what I told you.

FERN:
Yes, mother.

BADDERLY:
I understand you young men would like to have your tea leaves read.

MICKY:
Oh, no, I’m gonna bring mine home.

DAVY:
Why?

MICKY:
It’ll give me something to read in bed.

DAVY:
Oh.

MIKE:
You can read mine.

PETER:
Mine too.

BADDERLY:
Let’s see. Oh, I see you’re a musician, composer, raconteur.

MICKY:
He also contains lanolin and won’t upset your stomach, ha ha.

BADDERLY:
And, um, oh, that’s too bad. I see you’re about to get a flat tire.

MIKE:
Right now?

BADDERLY:
Now, let’s see. Oh, you look tired. I see you’re gonna come down with a twenty-four hour virus.

PETER:
Oh.

BADDERLY:
Now, young man. You—well, well, well! I see that within twenty-four hours, you’re going to meet a girl and fall in love.

MICKY:
Oh.

MIKE:
Yeah, well, yeah, he does that every day.

BADDERLY:
Oh, but this love is so great. He will leave his home and friends.

MICKY:
What?

DAVY:
That’s impossible; I wouldn’t do that.

BADDERLY:
Young man, it’s predestined. It’s your appointment with fate. The-the-the tea leaves never lie. No!

MICKY:
I’m switching to buttermilk.

DAVY:
Hey, you don’t think there’s anything in this tea leaf bit, do you?

MIKE:
Oh, come on, man, there nothing in tea leaves. You guys don’t believe that, do you? We’re not very superstitious, and we’re four pretty intelligent guys who’ve been very lucky. Huh. Knock wood.

BADDERLY:
Oh! Well, it’s begun! Huh huh. Did you take care of the car?

FERN:
Yes, mother.

EXT. YE OLDE TEA ROOM

MIKE:
Well, that’s singularly the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Says you’re gonna come down with a twenty-four hour virus. It said you’re gonna fall in love within twenty-four hours. Said we’re gonna get a flat tire. We got a flat tire.

PETER:
Well, there must be some perfectly reasonable explanation for it. It’s probably—ah-achoo! Huh, I must be coming down with a cold.

DAVY:
Hey, that’s two predictions that’s happened that she said. You don’t suppose that I’m gonna—

MIKE:
Let’s get him out of here!

MICKY:
Where can we get some buttermilk?

DAVY:
Ah!

INT. THE PAD

DAVY:
Now, this is getting ridiculous. I’m not gonna fall in love and leave ya.

MIKE:
Yeah, you bet you’re not. She said twenty-four hours, right? Okay, well, for the next twenty-four hours, we’re gonna insulate you from women. Ah ha ha.

DAVY:
But that’s half the world!

PETER:
Half the world, half the world! Half the, half the, half the.

EXT. THE PAD

BADDERLY:
That’s their house, Fern. By now, they’ll have decided to try to keep him out of circulation, but you know what to do.

FERN:
Whatever you say, mother.

INT. THE PAD

PETER:
Which half? This half. This half the world. Which half of the world? Is it, half the world—

DAVY:
It’s a girl. Go away. What are you doing? Will you stop it, please? Let me go! Come on.

PETER:
Oh, it’s okay; it’s only a girl scout.

MICKY:
Oh, gosharooney; it’s only a girl scout.

DAVY:
Let me go, please.

FERN:
Hi, I’m a little girl scout, and I want to know if you’ll buy my cookies, please?

MICKY, MIKE:
Girl scout!

FERN:
[yelling]

MICKY:
Peter, not you! Girl scout my… [cuckoo].

MIKE:
Hey, come on, Davy, let’s play some cards.

DAVY:
I’m going crazy. You can’t lock me up like this. Why are you doing it to me? You can’t lock me up like an animal. I know why he’s doing it; it’s ’cause I’m short, that’s why. I’m short. That’s it.

MIKE:
Davy?

DAVY:
What?

MIKE:
Will you please come on and play some cards?

DAVY:
Alright, deal ’em. It’s a girl.

MIKE:
I’ll get it. Hm. It is a girl. Get him upstairs.

MICKY:
Not me, him!

PETER:
Oh. Sorry.

FERN:
I’m from the Dubois Photo Studio, and, uh, I would like to know if you would like a free sample picture for use in, uh, passports, picture albums, or publicity releases?

MICKY:
That sounds cool.

FERN:
Alright, now hold it. Oh, it’s just perfect. Stay right there. Now hold it, hold it! Now, wait a minute. I thought there were four of you.

MICKY:
He’s upstairs.

FERN:
Oh. Oh. Oh! Huh huh. Hold it! Hold it!

MICKY:
I’m blind! I’m blind!

PETER:
I can’t see! Who turned on the dark? What’s happening?

MIKE:
Hey, wait a minute! Hold it there, shotgun!

FERN:
Ahh! ???

MICKY:
??? Right.

DAVY:
Okay, fellas, that’s it. This is a free country, and I am going out.

MIKE:
No.

DAVY:
I’m leaving. I’m leaving now.

MIKE:
No, no, no. No, sorry.

DAVY:
Listen, the only way you’re gonna keep me here is to tie me down. Chain me down. That’s how you’re gonna keep me here.

INT. THE PAD

MICKY:
Relax, Davy. Watch television. There’s a western on about some guy building a railroad.

DAVE TARRANT [on TV]:
Well, how ’bout the railroad? Need rails, a new flat car, rebuilding that bridge’ll cost money.

BEN CALHOUN [on TV]:
Dave, you got the soul of a bookkeeper. Why don’t we start with a bottle of champagne, and maybe a poker game, and—

DAVE TARRANT [on TV]:
Ben, you’ve enjoyed, uh, a rock slide, and a cattle drive, and-and a full scale ride. How’d you like to have a small personal reward?

BEN CALHOUN [on TV]:
Now just a minute. Whose railroad is this anyway?

DAVE TARRANT [on TV]:
Ours.

BEN CALHOUN [on TV]:
Alright, but at least we can start with a bottle of champagne. After that, if we have to…

INT. THE PAD

PETER:
But he was chained to chair!

MICKY:
Hey, what’s that?

MIKE:
It’s a letter for Davy. Special delivery, a heh.

MICKY:
Man, what could possibly make a person go dragging a chair across the city?

EXT. YE OLDE TEA ROOM

BADDERLY:
Don’t worry, dearie. If I know that boy, he’s bound to fall for this one. Ha ha ha ha ha!

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
Says, “Dear Mr. Jones, you’ve been chosen to judge our fifth annual beauty pageant.”

MICKY:
That’d do it.

MIKE:
Yeah.

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
Davy loose at a beauty contest.

MICKY:
Man, we’re sunk.

PETER:
How fast can he move dragging a chair?

MIKE:
Yeah, that’s a—uh!

INT. YE OLDE TEA ROOM

DAVY:
What was that?

FERN:
I don’t know, but you touched me, and I heard music.

DAVY:
My name’s David Jones, and… I think I love you.

MIKE:
We’re too late.

PETER:
I myself am deeply jealous.

DAVY:
Hey, that’s the lady that predicted all this. Come on. Hello. Would you like to sit down?

BADDERLY:
Oh, yes.

DAVY:
Sit right there.

BADDERLY:
Thank you, my dear. Thank you.

DAVY:
I wanted Fern to meet you. It happened just like she said it did when-when she read my tea leaves.

BADDERLY:
Uh, let me look into your future, my dear. Oh, I see a great opportunity ahead for you. You’re going to appear on a television program.

DAVY:
Hey, that’s right. She told me about that. She’s gonna be on The Amateur Hour.

BADDERLY:
And you’ll be appearing with a young man. You’ll be a great success. And that young man is you, young man!

DAVY:
Me? No, it can’t be me. I’m a member of a group; I’m a Monkee.

BADDERLY:
Yes, yes, of course.

FERN:
Couldn’t you just do it for me this Sunday?

DAVY:
Well, we don’t have another job, so—

FERN:
Oh, thank you, Davy.

MIKE:
Hi Davy.

MICKY:
Hey, Davy, what’s happening?

DAVY:
Hiya, fellas!

MIKE:
We came to get you, it’s time to go home now.

DAVY:
Hey, hey, guess-guess what?

PETER:
What?

DAVY:
Fern and I are going to be on The Amateur Hour on TV.

MICKY:
Oh.

MIKE:
Oh!

DAVY:
Hey! What, what? Come on, fellas. Will you let go?

MICKY:
No way, baby.

PETER:
No, sir.

DAVY:
Will you let me go? Come on.

PETER:
Can’t do that. Nope. Nope.

DAVY:
Come on, fellas.

PETER:
Mm-mm. No, sir. Can’t do it.

MIKE:
No way, Charlie. I’m sorry, Davy.

DAVY:
I’m only trying to help her.

PETER:
Yeah, right, we understand.

MICKY:
Uh-huh, yeah, right, sure, help.

MIKE:
No!

DAVY:
Alright, fellas, you asked for it. A man in love has the strength of thousands. Come on, Fern. Let’s rehearse.

MICKY:
Phone’s ringing.

PETER:
Hello?

INT. KXIU-TV STUDIO

HACK:
Is Mrs. Badderly there?

INT. YE OLDE TEA ROOM

PETER:
No, she isn’t.

INT. KXIU-TV STUDIO

HACK:
Eh, would you give her a message? This is Mr. Hack of The Amateur Hour. I’d like her to know that her daughter and Mr. Jones are scheduled for last on our Sunday night’s show.

INT. YE OLDE TEA ROOM

PETER:
Okay, I’ll tell her. That was The Amateur Hour. I’m supposed to tell the tea leaf lady that her daughter and Davy are scheduled to appear last.

MIKE:
Oh.

MICKY:
Oh.

MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
Her daughter and Davy?!

INT. KXIU-TV STUDIO

HACK:
Ah, well, before we present our first gifted amateur of the evening, remember that it’s your phoned-in votes that’s gonna give this amateur a win tonight and give him a big boost in his career. And now, for our first amateur, for all of you magic lovers, The Astonishing Pietro.

PETER (AS PIETRO):
Thank you, thank you, the magic of the pasteboards. Yes, you’ll notice that my fingers never leave my hand. Thank you very much, ladies and… for my next trick, a bird, a real live bird, ladies and gentlemen, the dove, the bird of peace. I have placed the bird in the bag. I am going to make the bird disappear. I blow up the bag. For my next trick, milk. I pour this, uh, generous, wholesome milk into this hat. And now, ladies and gentlemen. No milk. Thank you. Thank you very much. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much.

HACK:
And that’s The Astonishing Pietro. Thank you, thank you, Pietro. Our next contestant on your TV amateur hour is a very gifted folk singer, and here he is, Billy Roy Hodstetter.

MIKE (AS HODSTETTER):
Thank you very much, Mr. Hack.
♪ You and I travel to the beat of a different drum ♪
♪ Can’t you tell by the way I run ♪
♪ Every time you make eyes at me ♪
♪ Ooh, you cry and moan and say we’ll work out ♪
♪ But, honey child, I’ve got my doubts ♪
♪ You can’t see the forest for the trees ♪
♪ Don’t get, don’t get me, don’t get me wrong ♪
♪ Goodbye, I’m a-leaving ♪
♪ I see no sense in your crying and grieving ♪
♪ We’d both live a lot longer if you live without me, babe ♪
Thank you very much.

HACK:
Thank you, thank you, Billy Roy. And now, our next contestant is a fellow, well, well, I know he’s just gonna make you laugh. He’s the master of impersonation, Locksley Mendoza.

MICKY (AS LOCKSLEY MENDOZA):
How are you, ladies and germs? Ha ha! How are you there, Mr. Hack? I don’t want to say he’s fat, but, uh, when he sits around the house, he sits around the house, ha ha. That reminds me of a friend of mine. Spent a thousand dollars looking up his family tree, discovered he was a sap! Uh! Get it? Sap? Tree? A ha! Well, I wanna tell you about my—over here, camera. I want to tell you about my family now. Now, take my wife. Please, take my wife. Oh, my wife. She talks so much, I sent her to Florida last week, she came back with a burnt tongue. Get it? Oh, that’s beautiful, huh? My wife, she has a button nose. It buttons to her lower lip! I bought her a mink outfit the other day, a rifle, and a trap! Get it? Rifle, trap, mink outfit? You like that one? I’ve got more, plenty more. I’ve got millions of ’em, baby. Yes, sir, yes, sir. How do you like that? For my first impression, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to do my impression of the inimitable James Cagney. Uh! You’re the rat that killed my brother! Ha! One moment, don’t go away! Got another one. Now my impression of the great, the famous, Edward G. Robinson! Uh! You’re the rat that killed my brother! You like that one? I’ve got a better one! Now, the climax of my whole thing is the great Harvey Needleman. Don’t go away! You’re the rat that killed my brother! Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen! Thank you, baby, thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen! Ah, bye-bye now! Ha ha!

HACK:
Thank you, Locksley Mendoza. Very, very funny. “Man of a thousand voices”.

MIKE:
Hey, mister, here’s something for your throat.

DAVY:
What? Thank you. Thank you, tha-thanks. Oh, I think that’s us. We’re on.

HACK:
And now, ladies and gentlemen, here’s the last contestants of the evening: that adorable twosome, Fern and Davy.

DAVY, FERN:
♪ First you say you will ♪
♪ And then you don’t ♪
♪ Then you say you will ♪
♪ And then you won’t ♪
♪ It’s undecided now ♪
♪ So what are you gonna do? ♪
♪ Da da-da dum ♪
♪ And then you say you will ♪
♪ And then you won’t ♪
♪ It’s undecided now ♪
♪ So what are you gonna do? ♪

DAVY:
Then you say you won’t. Then you will?

FERN:
Oh! You messed it all up! What’s wrong with you? You got rocks in your pockets?

HACK:
Thank you, uh, th-thank, uh, thank you Fern, Fern and Davy, thank you. Thank you very much.

FERN:
Ah!

BADDERLY:
Baby, baby, it’s alright, baby. To think I let my daughter get involved with such a no-talent kid. Punk!

FERN:
Oh!

DAVY:
Her daughter?

HACK:
So, ladies and gentlemen, we return with one more act after a word from our sponsor.

MICKY:
Their sponsor?

PETER:
Our sponsor.

MIKE:
Our sponsor.

PETER:
Our sponsor.

INT. KXIU-TV STUDIO

HACK:
Sdrawkcab is superior to those products that contain iron. Sdrawkcab contains aluminum. Oh, iron is fine, but remember, iron can rust. Sdrawkcab spelled backwards means, is backwards.

BADDERLY:
Baby, don’t cry.

HACK:
Here’s The Monkees.

“I’m a Believer”

BADDERLY:
Curses! Foiled by The Monkees!

MIKE:
Um, the whole thing was, you know, kind of a con job. Uh, Miss Badderly wanted you to help launch her daughter’s career, and we tried to tell you, but, uh—

DAVY:
It was my own fault, Mike. I shouldn’t have believed in those stupid tea leaves.

MICKY:
Oh!

HACK:
And now, the vote, ladies and gentlemen, to see which gifted amateur has his chance to go on to stardom. The winners tonight—

BADDERLY:
No, baby, no.

HACK:
—Fern and Davy!