“Monkees at the Movies” Script

EXT. BEACH

MICKY:
Good move.

PETER:
Hey, my checkers! Hey, this sand is hot! Ah, ooh, oh, ee!

DAVY:
It’s not so hot. Ooh, ow, ooh, ah! Ooh-ooh-ooh, ee, ah!

MICKY:
Ooh, hot!

KRAMM:
Look, Philo! Typical teenagers doing a typical new dance step. How would they be as extras in my new beach movie? And remember, I don’t like yes men.

PHILO:
I don’t like ’em.

KRAMM:
Who asked you?!

PHILO:
Boys, say hello to Luther Kramm. Mr. Kramm gave you Beach Party Honeymoon.

PETER:
You didn’t give it to us; we had to pay for it.

MIKE:
Yeah, it costs us eighty cents at the drive-in.

KRAMM:
Well, it was worth it, wasn’t it?

MIKE:
Um… you owe me sixty cents.

KRAMM:
How’d you teenagers like to appear as extras in my new picture?

DAVY:
I don’t think we’d be interested in a beach movie.

KRAMM:
This isn’t just another beach movie. This is a cinema landmark! It’s about sadness, and pain, and cruelty: all the things that make life worthwhile.

PETER:
Nope, definitely not.

MIKE:
Nope, no way. Sorry. Not a chance.

MICKY:
No. Not a chance.

KRAMM:
It pays thirty dollars a day.

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

EXT. BEACH

MICKY:
Here we are in the land of make believe. Look at that rock; it’s a phony rock. Look at that fish; it’s a phony fish. Look at that girl. Oh yeah.

KRAMM:
Alright. Alright. Quiet on the set. Today, we begin shooting my greatest film: I Married a Creature from out of Town. It’s a message picture, and the message is: if we don’t finish it in ten days, we’re in trouble. And now, I want you to meet the star of our film, that teenage idol and undisputed king of the drive-ins: Frankie Catalina.

[Frankie bumps into Peter.]

FRANKIE:
Hey, why don’t you watch where you’re going? You know, you can be replaced.

KRAMM:
Now, let’s make a picture that teenagers will watch, even in a drive-in.

EXT. BEACH

PHILO:
Well, looks like another hit for Luther Kramm. That Frankie Catalina is terrific. You know, he’s so versatile.

MIKE:
He is? He doesn’t sing, does he?

PHILO:
No, we dub in his voice.

MICKY:
What about his surfing?

PHILO:
No, he’s afraid of the water.

DAVY:
He gets his way with women?

PHILO:
No, uh, girls make him break out in a rash, actually.

PETER:
Well, why is he so popular?

PHILO:
Are you kidding? He’s a perfect teenager.

KRAMM:
Alright. Get ready for the volleyball scene.

FRANKIE:
Hey, listen. This time, will you be sure to get my good side?

KRAMM:
Alright, ready on the set. This is a take. Remember, Frankie, in this scene, the Kessler sisters are watching you, and you want to make an impression, so you dominate the game. Right? Okay. Roll ’em and action.

FRANKIE:
Hey! Hey! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!

KRAMM:
Cut!

FRANKIE:
Hold it! That was my ball, and he hit it.

KRAMM:
Hold it!

DAVY:
I was just trying to keep the ball in play.

FRANKIE:
Yeah, well, listen, I’m the star, kid.

KRAMM:
Calm yourself, Frankie.

FRANKIE:
How can I calm down? I know when I’m being upstaged. I want this kid off the set.

MICKY:
He was only trying to get the ball…

PETER:
…man, he didn’t know what…

FRANKIE:
Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Just who do you think you guys are? You with your stupid expressions. You with that, uh, that, that, silly green bonnet. And you. A scarecrow in shorts. Just remember, you guys, you’re dime a dozen extras, and I’m a star.

MICKY:
Do you got change for dime?

DAVY:
Yeah.

INT. THE PAD

PETER:
He has no right to act that way. Who does he think he is?

MICKY:
No longer shall we suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous Catalina. On the morrow, we will show that popinjay he doth abused The Monkees at his own peril.

PETER:
What does that mean?

MICKY:
It means The Monkees strike back.

EXT. BEACH

FRANKIE:
♪ Beautiful doll, you great, big beautiful doll ♪
Hey, makeup!

KRAMM:
Come on, Frankie. We’re ready to roll.

[A group of girls start screaming.]

FRANKIE:
Where is he? Where—Kramm! Kramm!

EXT. BEACH

KRAMM:
Okay, now, Frankie, in this scene, you meet Tina at her cabana. Cue cards ready? Alright. Camera. Action.

FRANKIE:
I’m crazy about you, baby, and you know you’re nuts about me too. Now, why don’t you say those three little words? You know the ones I mean. You’re under arrest. “You’re under arrest?!”

KRAMM:
Cut! What’s going on here?

EXT. BEACH

PHOTOGRAPHER:
It must be a real thrill to work with Frankie Catalina.

MICKY:
Oh, it is. It is, yeah. He’s an inspiration to all us teenagers. Especially the way he’s lived down his past.

PHOTOGRAPHER:
Past? What past?

MICKY:
Oh, it’s nothing you could write about, really. He’s the sort of guy that would take money out of his own pocket, lend it to an extra he hardly knew, take them out to dinner, offer to share his apartment.

PHOTOGRAPHER:
He did that for you?

MICKY:
No, my sister.

EXT. BEACH

KRAMM:
Now, Frankie, in the beauty contest scene, you sing the movie’s big song. Remember to move your lips in sync with the record. Ready? Okay. Camera. Action.

FRANKIE:
♪ I got it bad for the new girl in school ♪
♪ The guys are flipping, but I’m playing it cool ♪
♪ Everybody’s passing notes in the class ♪
♪ They pick up books, now, she’s such a gas ♪
♪ Whoa! Doo ron, day ron ♪
♪ Doo ron, day ron, day ron ♪
♪ Doo ron, day ron ♪
♪ Doo ron, day ron, day ron ♪
♪ Doo ron, day ron ♪
♪ I got it bad, papa ♪
♪ Doo ron, day ron ♪
♪ The chicks are jealous of the new girl at school ♪
♪ They put her down and they treat her so cruel ♪

KRAMM:
Cut!

FRANKIE:
♪ But the guys are going out of their mind ♪
♪ But she’s the finest girl you’ll ever find ♪

KRAMM:
Cut!

FRANKIE:
♪ Whoa! Doo ron, day ron ♪
♪ Doo ron, day ron, day ron ♪
♪ Doo ron, day ron ♪

KRAMM:
Cut!

FRANKIE:
♪ Doo ron, day ron, day ron ♪
♪ Doo ron, day ron ♪
♪ I got it bad, papa ♪
♪ Doo ron, day ron ♪

KRAMM:
Cut! Cut!

INT. SCREENING ROOM

FRANKIE:
Yesterday was the most horrible day of my life.

KRAMM:
Easy, baby. Easy. Wait ’til you see the footage on the party scene; you were beautiful, but beautiful!

PHILO [on the phone]:
Uh, foll the rim. Uh, roll the film.

“A Little Bit Me, A Little Bit You”

INT. SCREENING ROOM

FRANKIE:
It’s a conspiracy, and you’re part of it, Kramm!

KRAMM:
Oh, no, beauty, don’t say that.

FRANKIE:
I knew you resented me, but I never thought you’d go this far. Ruining the film and my beautiful million dollar image.

KRAMM:
Frankie, you’re overwrought.

FRANKIE:
Oh, yeah? Well, I don’t have to put up with it. I’m walking out on my contract. I can do a mystery at Mammoth Studios.

PHILO:
Mammoth Studios has been out of business for years.

KRAMM:
That must be the mystery.

INT. THE PAD

PETER:
You know, it’s gonna be tough to replace a man like Frankie. After all, where do you find a guy that can’t sing, act, or surf?

MIKE:
You could go out for the part, Davy.

DAVY:
You must be joking.

“Last Train to Clarksville”

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
What a ???—a grown man hiding in the bedroom.

DAVY:
Look, I’m telling you: I don’t want to be a star.

MIKE:
Okay, nobody’s forcing you to be a star. One of us will be a star.

MICKY:
Great!

PETER:
Oh, me!

MIKE:
Down, Peter. The fair thing we should do is, uh, a-huh, draw straws. Okay, everybody: draw straws. Oh, Davy, you drew the short straw.

DAVY:
That’s the story of my life.

EXT. BEACH

MIKE:
Hey, here he comes. Let’s get ready.

PHILO:
Johnny Jerome? Buddy Benson? Robby Rafelson?

PETER:
Well, what do you want? I’ve offered you my Lovin’ Spoonful collection, my Bobby Dylan records, my Blind Lemon Jefferson records, and this prize of my collection, Bobby Darin Sings his Bank Book.

MIKE:
Throw in The Stones.

PETER:
Okay.

KRAMM:
Let me see that. “Davy Jones Sings.”

EXT. KRAMM’S TRAILER

MICKY:
Dolenz, Reporter.

MIKE:
Nesmith, Variety.

PETER:
I’m Tork, hanger-on.

MICKY:
What the industry wants to know, Kramm, is who’ll be replacing Frankie Catalina?

MIKE:
After all, you are the greatest judge of acting talent in Hollywood, and you know your own mind.

KRAMM:
Well, I’m, uh, I’m thinking of using Terry Bishop.

MIKE:
That no talent—

MICKY:
He’s no Davy Jones.

KRAMM:
Or, uh, perhaps Tony Davenport.

MICKY:
A teenage failure! He’s made so many B-pictures, he’s getting fan mail from hornets.

MIKE:
And he’s no Davy Jones, either.

KRAMM:
How about Billy Tobias?

MICKY:
Well.

MIKE:
I don’t know, he looks a little like Davy Jones.

PETER:
Hey, here’s something. Freddie Freeman: I’ve seen all his movies.

KRAMM:
I don’t know; he’s no Davy Jones.

EXT. BEACH

MICKY:
Shh. He just turned on his radio.

EXT. KRAMM’S TRAILER

KRAMM:
Brewster Benton, Benton Brewster, Brewster Bentley.

MICKY [on the radio]:
Okay, bunch, we’ve had our lunch, now get out of your bunk and get our junk.

EXT. BEACH

MICKY:
It’s the Crazy Micky the D Show on W Go-Go-Go with the big beat sound of your top five records.

EXT. KRAMM’S TRAILER

KRAMM:
Rudy Kirk, Kirk Nolan.

MICKY [on the radio]:
Moving up the charts this week at the super all-American hits—

KRAMM:
Rip Shirt?

MICKY [on the radio]:
—number three, three, three, three. It’s Davy Jones singing “Teardrops in the Playground”.

EXT. BEACH

DAVY:
♪ I really love you ♪
♪ I really love you ♪

EXT. KRAMM’S TRAILER

DAVY [on the radio]:
♪ I really love you ♪
♪ Really love you ♪
♪ I really love you, babe ♪

EXT. BEACH

DAVY:
♪ Really, I love you ♪

MICKY:
And now number sixty-eight and slowly moving up the charts, it’s now number two, two—

EXT. KRAMM’S TRAILER

MICKY [on the radio]:
—two, two. It’s Davy Jones singing—

EXT. BEACH

MICKY:
—“These Boots Are Made For Kicking”.

DAVY:
♪ Baby, I love you ♪
♪ Baby, really I do ♪
♪ Baby, I love you ♪
♪ Gotta love what you do ♪
♪ Baby, I love you ♪

EXT. KRAMM’S TRAILER

KRAMM:
This kid is a real comer.

PHILO:
Oh, he certainly is, L.K.

KRAMM:
Who asked you?

MICKY [on the radio]:
And, now gang, it’s the number one hit in America and the free world.

EXT. BEACH

MICKY:
It’s the super a-go-go pick hit of the week, week, week, week. It’s Davy Jones singing, “It’s Been Lonesome in the Saddle Since My Horse Died.”

DAVY:
♪ Really, I love you, babe ♪
♪ Really, I love you, babe ♪
♪ Babe, I really love you ♪
♪ Honest, I do ♪
♪ I really love you ♪

EXT. KRAMM’S TRAILER

KRAMM:
That settles it; we’ve got our star. Such energy, such excitement.

PHILO:
You’re right, L.K.; he’s a great disc jockey.

KRAMM:
Not the disc jockey, Davy Jones!

PHILO:
Oh, yeah.

KRAMM:
Are you sure you’re my nephew?

EXT. BEACH

KRAMM:
If I may have your attention. Today, we begin shooting a film that is destined to take its place beside my greatest film.

MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
I Married a Creature from out of Town.

KRAMM:
You’re the first ones who didn’t like it. And now, I’d like to have you meet the star of our film, that new teenage idol, a name to remember… what’s the kid’s name?

PHILO:
Davy Jones.

KRAMM:
Davy Jones!

[Davy bumps into Micky.]

DAVY:
Watch where you’re going, shorty.

PHOTOGRAPHER:
Look this way, Davy.

KRAMM:
Is he beautiful?

PETER:
I used to know him!

KRAMM:
Okay, camera. And action.

DAVY:
We like the same books, the same music, and the same people.

TINA:
I guess there never were two people so made for each other.

KRAMM:
Cut!

DAVY:
Did you get my good side?

KRAMM:
Marvelous.

EXT. BEACH

MIKE:
Man, this star thing has really gone to his head.

MICKY:
You’re right; we got to save him from himself.

KRAMM:
Alright, ready? Lights, camera, and action. Cut! Cut! Cut!

DAVY:
Oh, come on. Let me out, fellas. Will you please let me out?

MICKY:
Well, that should bring him to his senses.

PETER:
You don’t think maybe we overdid it a little?

MIKE:
No, he’ll thank us for it in the morning.

DAVY:
Let me out, please. Please, let me out?

EXT. BEACH

KRAMM:
What do you mean, you’re leaving my picture?

DAVY:
I appreciate the opportunity, Mr. Kramm, but music’s our business, not jumping around on a beach.

KRAMM:
I offer you a million-dollar career—

DAVY:
Besides, all this is spoiling my character. My character. My character. My character. My character. My character. My character. My character. My character.

“Valleri”

INT. SET

DAVY:
I got a letter this morning from my father telling me about what happened after I left. My brother-in-law, who’s a policeman—

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Your brother-in-law’s a what?

DAVY:
A policeman. A cop, you know.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Yeah, right.

DAVY:
One of—you know, The Monkee sweatshirts we have?

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Oh, ye…

DAVY:
With all the patterns and all the thing like saying—

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Yeah.

DAVY:
You know, “Monkees”, and, uh—anyway, it was size forty-two. You can imagine how big he is. You know, he’s like six foot two, and he’s like, he weighs, two hundred and eighty pounds, and he’s big. He put this sweatshirt on and a Monkee hat, which looked like a peanut on his head.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Are you—did you give it to him as a gift or something, as a joke?

DAVY:
Yeah. For a giggle. ’Cause he always—he’s an artist also. And on the way home, going through a little town, a village—they live about sixty miles from my father—they saw a guy breaking into a store, and he pulled up the car, and he’s got his little sweatshirt on, the hat, and he goes in, and he arrests the guy, right? True story, swear. He calls the station from the, uh, store and like four police cars come, and they think this guy is some kind of nut. They don’t believe him, you know—

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Right.

DAVY:
—that he’s a cop.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Right.

DAVY:
He’s got this Monkee sweatshirt on. I thought it was pretty funny.

INT. SET

MIKE:
You know what I’ve always wanted to do?

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
What?

MIKE:
Was get a Rolls Royce—

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Yeah.

MIKE:
—and put little bitty tires on the front, and big slicks on the back, and put a pickup bed in the trunk, and old paint, you know, and stuff like that—

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Right.

MIKE:
—and take the hood off of it and everything—

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
And drive where?

MIKE:
—paint a name on the back of it.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
And drive where?

MIKE:
Why a Rolls Royce?

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
And drive where?

MICKY:
Put a pair of bongos in the back.

MIKE:
And drive where? Drive no place. Drive it out on the freeway and give it a flat tire and stand there scratching your head.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Can I talk to you seriously about the concerts?

DAVY:
Yeah.

PETER:
We do ???

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
And your reaction to when people say you don’t play your own instruments and don’t go—

MICKY:
???

DAVY:
I don’t really think there’s any reason to talk about that, because that’s the most—you know, it’s ridiculous. Now, you know how many—we’ve just finished twelve cities. If we don’t play our own instruments, we’re in big trouble.

MIKE:
I gotta tell you, I was standing in at a place we were playing. We were backstage, and it’s like, two minutes before we’re supposed to go on, and this guy walks up, and he’s got a—he’s a reporter, you know, like that, and he wears—and I’m standing with my guitar over my back. He walks up and he says, “Is it true that you don’t play your own instruments?” I said, “Wait a minute. I’m fixing to walk out there in front of fifteen thousand people, man. If I don’t play my own instruments, I’m in a lot of trouble.” Now, I don’t know. Why even talk about it? It’s ridiculous. No, it’s not true.