“The Picture Frame” Script

INT. MAMMOTH STUDIOS

J.L.:
Eh, come on in, come on in. Eh, over here! Ah, I’m gonna make stars outta you! Now you are gonna be perfect! Heh-heh heh-heh. Who are you?

MIKE:
Well, collectively, we’re the Monkees.

J.L.:
Monkees, huh? Good, good. We want unknowns in this picture. Harvey, call Cary Grant’s agent, tell him the answer is no, baby.

HARVEY:
Cary Grant’s agent?

J.L.:
Now, pussycats, we are looking for some guys to play a group of bank bandits. Eh, let me see how you look in the part.

MICKY:
Oh. Heh heh.

J.L.:
What do you think, Harvey, baby?

HARVEY:
Tough, J.L., real tough.

J.L.:
We wanna see how you guys photograph. Uh, got any pictures of yourselves? … Anything just a little more recent?

MICKY:
Oh! Wait. Alright, hold it right there.

J.L.:
No pictures! Don’t take any pictures here!

MICKY:
Alright, ready?

J.L.:
Now wait a minute!

MICKY:
Chh! … Alright, now I just pull the, heh, pull the… tab, wait a few seconds, drop the paper, and I have a clear, crisp, sharp photo. New invention of mine. How do you like it?

J.L.:
Beautiful, beautiful. Alright, now, today, pussycats, we are shooting the bank stick-up scene. Now, I got everything arranged down at the Ninth National Bank. All you gotta do is walk in, hold it up, bring the money back here.

MIKE:
Well, don’t you want us to rehearse or something first?

J.L.:
No! No! That’ll make your performance stale! Here, here’s some lines you can say. And you can ad-lib the rest.

MICKY:
??? Reach for the sky! Heh heh!

MIKE:
Let’s go, let’s go. Come on, guys, let’s go.

DAVY:
We want your money!

J.L.:
Oh, uh, perfect. Listen, we use the hidden camera technique, so don’t worry if you don’t see a director.

MICKY:
Well, if we do, we won’t tell anybody where he is. Heh heh, blam.

MIKE:
Let’s go, come on, guys.

DAVY:
We want your money.

HARVEY:
You think they can really pull it off? I mean, actually rob a bank?

J.L.:
Who knows, but either way, we got nothing to lose. If they make it, we get rich. If they don’t make it, they go to jail!

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

INT. NINTH NATIONAL BANK

THOMAS:
Thank you very much.

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE:
???

MICKY:
What are you smiling for?

DAVY:
Smile, we’re on hidden camera!

MIKE:
??? to the window.

MICKY:
??? for the sky. ???

[A woman screams.]

MIKE:
She’s pretty good; you oughta sign her up.

CASHIER:
May I help you, sir?

DAVY:
I forgot my line, what’s my line? Quick!

MICKY:
“Hand over fifty thousand dollars in unmarked, negotiable bills. Small.”

DAVY:
Okay. Hand over fifty thousand dollars in un-nego… negotia…?

MICKY:
Negotionable.

DAVY:
N-negotionable b-bills.

CASHIER:
Do you have an account here, sir?

DAVY:
What do I do? What?

MICKY:
“Stick gun in face.”

DAVY:
Stick gun in face.

MICKY:
Then cut to pan and… no, no, no, no, no, her face.

DAVY:
Oh, her face. Okay. Hand over the money.

CASHIER:
Uh, well, tens or twenties, huh?

MICKY:
Hey, you guys, this is great! You really are, you look so scared!

MIKE:
Alright! Open the, open the safe.

THOMAS:
I can’t, it’s on a time lock. It won’t open ’til three o’clock.

MICKY:
Ha. Ha.

MIKE:
Tick tick tick, ding ding ding!

CASHIER:
Sixty, seventy, eighty…

DAVY:
Do you think after we finish shooting the picture, we can go out to dinner?

CASHIER:
Do you have an account here, sir?

DAVY:
Hand over the money.

MIKE:
Gonna be stars. Heh. Uh, the guys, me.

CASHIER:
Six hundred.

DAVY:
Are you sure you don’t wanna go out to dinner?

CASHIER:
Eh, no, sir, I can’t.

MIKE:
??? Huh, buddy, I’m the robber, will you please put the… thing down? Hollywood!

CASHIER:
…thousand and thirty.

DAVY:
Forget it, forget it, forget it, thank you.

MIKE:
You did very well.

DAVY:
Mike, come on. Let’s beat the lamb! I mean let’s, uh, get the lamb.

MICKY:
Alright, dirty copper! You’ll never take me alive, ’cause I got your whistle!

MIKE:
Okay, don’t…

DAVY:
Micky!

MIKE:
…don’t anybody move.

MICKY:
Wait.

MIKE:
Uh, what is it?

MICKY:
Don’t anybody move, and don’t say nothing.

DAVY:
Don’t say nothing!

MIKE:
And don’t… nobody…

MICKY:
Don’t move and don’t ever… and don’t move at all.

MIKE:
Hober reeber sacken!

MICKY:
Cut, print it, that’s a wrap!

[A woman screams.]

MICKY:
Thanks, thanks, everybody. We’ll see you back at the studio. Bye. Come in tomorrow seven thirty through eight o’clock in hairdressing.

INT. MAMMOTH STUDIOS

MICKY:
Alright, stick ’em up, buddy… ???

J.L.:
They’re here, they’re here!

MICKY:
Hey Pete! Hey, you missed the big hold-up scene!

PETER:
Yeah—

MIKE:
Yeah, the movie scene!

PETER:
—I know, man; I went to stage one at two o’clock instead of stage two at one.

DAVY:
Oh, that’s a shame, Peter.

PETER:
That’s okay, J.L.’s gonna write me into the jewel robbery scene.

DAVY:
Oh, really?

J.L.:
My big stars! How did it go, sweet hearts?

MICKY:
It was, it was great, you’ll have to re-shoot one of the scenes, but beside that, it was just fine.

J.L.:
That’s alright! Now here’s a hundred bucks for each of ya…

MIKE:
Oh, thank you very—

J.L.:
…and we’ll call tonight about tomorrow’s shooting, huh?

MIKE:
Oh, well, alright, we’ll just take this stuff back on the way.

J.L.:
Oh no, no, no, no, no, put it down, leave that for the prop man. You guys are gonna be big stars!

MICKY:
Oh!

J.L.:
Ha ha ha, sure! You’re beautiful!

MICKY:
See ya later, J.L., baby. Come on. Hey man. Go. Later, J.L. Right.

J.L.:
Put all the money in the truck. Come on.

HARVEY:
What are you gonna do, boss?

J.L.:
Me? I am going to make a anonymous phone call to the police.

EXT. THE PAD

SERGEANT:
Alright, Monkees. Come on out. We know you’re in there.

INT. THE PAD

MICKY:
Hey, what do they want us for?

PETER:
Oh, that library book—it’s a week overdue!

EXT. THE PAD

SERGEANT:
Give us what we want, and we won’t hurt you. ??? Stop fooling around. Come out with your hands above your head, or we’re coming in after you.

INT. THE PAD

DAVY:
Wow! Hey, fellas, there’s policemen outside with the uniforms and the badges and psychedelic lights all over.

MIKE:
Wait a minute. I know what it is.

MICKY:
Huh?

PETER:
What?

MIKE:
I know what it is. Well, it’s tomorrow’s shooting, fool.

MICKY:
Right, of course!

MIKE:
They’re about to give us the—

EXT. THE PAD

SERGEANT:
You! Go in after ’em!

COP:
Go in after ’em!

SERGEANT:
Go in after ’em!

COP:
Me?

SERGEANT:
You!

COP:
Go?

SERGEANT:
Go!

COP:
Me, go?

SERGEANT:
Go!

COP:
Yes, sir. Oh boy.

INT. THE PAD

DAVY:
They’re sending the policeman over with the script.

MICKY:
The show.

COP:
Okay, Monkees, I caught ya red-handed. Now, follow me and no f-funny business.

MICKY:
Oh, that’s terrible! Oh, that’s really bad. No, if ya, if ya wanna be a cop, a policeman, you have to hold the gun in tight, and look steely-eyed, steely-eyed, straight ahead.

COP:
Okay, now, hurry up, and I’m not fooling!

MICKY:
Good, much better. Now, one more time. Fine, ah.

PETER:
Probably one of those Method actors.

INT. POLICE SERGEANT’S OFFICE

SERGEANT:
This film was made with the bank’s hidden camera.

MIKE:
Gee, great, but you know you didn’t have to send all those policemen to come get us, huh. We woulda come down by ourself.

DAVY:
I thought this was gonna be in color!

MICKY:
Hey, if I’da known this was gonna be black and white, I wouldn’ta done it.

DAVY:
Hey, look, Mike!

MIKE:
Yes! It’s me! Ooh!

DAVY:
Mike, there you are!

MIKE:
What do you say, it’s… Barry Sullivan maybe? Or Paul Newman?

DAVY:
Would you believe Sonny Tufts?

MIKE:
Maybe, Marlon Brando?

MICKY:
Oh! Oh! Hey, I was pretty good, I just scared myself right there. Stick ’em up, stick ’em up, against the wall. Very good how I did that there.

DAVY:
Hey look, there I am. See that? I asked her for a date, she wouldn’t go out with me. I didn’t have enough money. Ooh, look at that. See how I’m smiling there at the camera? Golden teeth. A-heh.

SERGEANT:
So you admit those three are you in the picture?

MICKY:
Yeah, but, uh, I’m glad you cut out the part where I tripped, ’cause that wasn’t a very good scene at all.

MIKE:
??? Wally Cox?

PETER:
Here-here’s your popcorn. I’m sorry I’m late. Excuse me, Davy. No, I got it.

MICKY:
No, this is the second scene, this is where I came in and I tripped, ??? cut that part out.

DAVY:
’Scuse me.

MIKE:
Ma’am, ma’am, I can’t see, I can’t see with the hat.

DAVY:
Will you please move out the way?

PETER:
You want some popcorn, mister? That’s us in the…

MIKE:
Lady in the hat! Hey! You! You ??? in the hat!

SERGEANT:
Alright, cut out the funny business. What are you gonna say?

MIKE:
Ahh ha. I think with the right promotion, it’ll probably make it.

DAVY:
Get a good, some good publicity, smashing.

SERGEANT:
Ah, that’s enough for me. With the film and your own admission, Monkees, I’m booking you for the robbery of the Ninth National Bank.

MICKY:
Eh? Robber—what? We, this is, we were making a movie!

SERGEANT:
Suuure!

DAVY:
We were shooting a movie. Some cat came up and said, “You wanna shoot a movie?”. We said, “Yeah, we shoot a movie”. So we shot a movie.

SERGEANT:
Suuure.

DAVY:
We-we-we-we-we… we went… it’s the popcorn, definitely the popcorn. You okay, Mike? Mike! Mike! Mike!

INT. POLICE SERGEANT’S OFFICE

SERGEANT:
Alright, my fine feathered Monkees. Start talking!

DAVY:
China clipper calling Alameda… China clipper calling Alameda…

MIKE:
Mr. Dobalina, Mr. Dob Dobalina… Mr. Dobalina, Mr. Dob…

MICKY:
Nevermind the furthermore the plea of self-defence… Nevermind the furthermore the plea…

SERGEANT:
About the robbery!

MIKE:
Well-well, ya s-see, it’s like I told ya, but we thought we were, we were doing a movie.

SERGEANT:
Still sticking to that story, huh? Well, if you know what’s good for you, you’ll change your tune.

MIKE [in a high voice]:
Well, it’s like I told ya, we thought we were doing a movie.

SERGEANT:
You do that once more, and you’re gonna get the third degree.

MICKY:
Oh! Three degrees! Here’s a PHD.

DAVY:
Oh, thank you.

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE:
???

SERGEANT:
Alright, bring out the light.

MICKY:
Not the light!

DAVY:
Oh! Oh, we might as well get a suntan while we’re here.

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE:
???

MIKE:
Here we are, mini-my-tammy ???

SERGEANT:
Okay, Monkees, are you ready to spill the beans?

DAVY:
You think we should?

MICKY:
Sure, ???

DAVY:
Alright, here we go, spill the beans.

MICKY:
Hello, Mike, can you hear me?

MIKE:
Hello, yes, I can—yes, I can, Micky, are you there?

SERGEANT:
Alright, throw the book at ’em!

MIKE:
Lookit—ho-ho! Uh, this book’s overdue.

SERGEANT:
How many days?

INT. COURTHOUSE - JAIL

MICKY:
You’re suppose to signal when you stop.

DAVY:
Hey, guys. Ooh!

MIKE:
Hi Pete!

PETER:
Hey guys!

PETER:
Bye.

MICKY:
Bye.

PETER:
Cover me, cover me.

MICKY, MIKE:
Did you bring the file? Did you bring the file?

MICKY, MIKE:
Ooh, good!

DAVY:
Oh boy!

MICKY:
Thanks a lot, Peter. — Did you get a lawyer? A lawyer?

PETER:
Uh-huh.

MICKY:
Is he good?

PETER:
He should be; he had the biggest ad in the classified pages.

MIKE:
Ooh!

PETER:
Hey guys. Can I ask you one thing?

MICKY:
What, what-what, Pete?

PETER:
You didn’t do it, did ya?

MICKY:
Yeah, right, yeah, we did it. No, we did it, Pete, we did it.

DAVY:
Even Peter thinks we’re guilty.

PETER:
I don’t think you’re guilty; I just don’t see how you could possibly be innocent. Oh, here’s the lawyer.

LAWYER:
I just spoke to the sergeant, you got nothing to worry about, it’s an open and shut case. You’re guilty.

MICKY, MIKE:
Yeah, guilty, yeah, yeah right!

DAVY:
Now wait a minute, we’re innocent.

LAWYER:
No kidding. How do you like that? You’re the first clients I ever had that were innocent. Hm!

MIKE:
Well, can you get us off?

LAWYER:
With that kind of evidence? No chance. Him, maybe with the cute face, I might be able to get off. But you two, plead guilty.

MICKY, MIKE:
[growling]

DAVY:
Wait a minute, we’re all in this together.

MIKE:
Yeah. The three of us are in this together.

PETER:
What about me?

LAWYER:
Okay, so you wanna plead innocent, huh? Alright. My fee is forty thousand dollars plus car fare.

MIKE:
Forty thousand dollars? Man, we ain’t got that kinda money.

LAWYER:
Of course you do; you just a robbed a bank, didn’t ya?

MIKE:
No, we didn’t.

LAWYER:
Ohh.

MICKY, MIKE:
We gotta get a lawyer.

DAVY:
Better get a lawyer. Ooh!

INT. COURTHOUSE - COURTROOM

JUDGE:
The next case is the state versus David Jones, Micky Dolenz, and Michael Nesmith. Gentlemen, are you represented by council?

MICKY:
Yeah, yes, ma’am, your majesty, queen, your honorship.

MIKE:
Your regency, uh, madam, your ladyship there.

DAVY:
Uh, yes… yes.

JUDGE:
Your honor will do.

MIKE:
Oh.

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE:
Yes, your honor will do.

JUDGE:
And who is that council?

MICKY:
Him.

DAVY:
Well, I, you know, I’d do it myself, but then ??? you know we won’t…

MIKE:
Well, I’ll only do it for him because ???…

JUDGE:
Would you bring in the first prospective juror, please.

D.A.:
Philip Jackson! Mr. Jackson, do you feel you can give an honest judgment according to the facts of this case against those long-haired weirdos?!

MIKE (AS PHILIP JACKSON):
Yes, I can, they’re innocent. They’re not guilty, not a thing to do with it.

D.A.:
Your honor, I move this juror be dismissed!

DAVY, MICKY:
On what grounds?

D.A.:
Because he’s one of the defendants!

JUDGE:
Mr. Nesmith! I’m surprised at you! Yuh!

MIKE (AS PHILIP JACKSON):
I’m sorta surprised too, such a pretty lady being a judge.

JUDGE:
Oh.

MIKE (AS PHILIP JACKSON):
Here’s something.

JUDGE:
Oh!

D.A.:
Roses?! [sneezes]

JUDGE:
Sweet! Bring in the next prospective juror, please. And no more little tricks, Mr. Nesmith.

MIKE (AS PHILIP JACKSON):
You can call me Mike.

JUDGE:
Oh, I can?

MIKE (AS PHILIP JACKSON):
Mmhm.

JUDGE:
Ohh. Oh, you men are so intuitive.

MIKE (AS PHILIP JACKSON):
Yes we are. Like the ferns?

JUDGE:
Ohh, crazy for ferns! They’re the best part of the whole thing.

MIKE:
They are. I eat the petals, myself.

JUDGE:
You do, really? Oh. Aren’t you cute.

MICKY:
Oh, I hope Peter turns up with the evidence.

DAVY:
So do I, man.

EXT. MAMMOTH STUDIOS

INT. MAMMOTH STUDIOS

HARVEY:
Hey, what are you doing here?

PETER:
I can’t tell you that.

HARVEY:
I’ll make you a, a big movie star! Mm-hm!

PETER:
No, I still can’t tell ya.

HARVEY:
I get it; you’re snooping!

PETER:
You guessed!

INT. COURTHOUSE - COURTROOM

MICKY:
Mr. Thomas, you say you can positively identify Mr. Nesmith as the man who held you up.

THOMAS:
Yes. That’s right.

MICKY:
Mr. Thomas, what is the capital of Nova Scotia?

THOMAS:
Uh… I’m not sure.

MICKY:
What is the literal translation of the Japanese term “hamasaka!”?

THOMAS:
I-I-I’m not sure.

MICKY:
Mr. Thomas, who led the American League in doubles in nineteen thirty-seven?

THOMAS:
I-I-I’m not sure.

MICKY:
Then how can you be sure that Mr. Nesmith is the man that held you up?

DAVY, MIKE:
Eh, right, you got him there! ??? I know! Done strung him up, Mick!

DAVY:
Yeah! That’s the way, baby! Hey hey! Got him up against the wall!

JUDGE:
Come on!

MICKY:
Your honor. I move for a dismissal.

D.A.:
On what grounds?

MICKY:
Well, it’s late, and everybody’s hungry.

JUDGE:
??? food, ha ha, food!

DAVY, MIKE:
Popcorn, peanuts, get your popcorn, peanuts…

D.A.:
Wait a minute!

JUDGE:
No mustard! … My hot dog doesn’t have mustard?

D.A.:
Your honor, this is outrageous!

JUDGE:
Well…

MICKY:
You’re not hungry, don’t eat.

D.A.:
A-ha-ha-ha, I give up.

INT. MAMMOTH STUDIOS

INT. COURTHOUSE - COURTROOM

DAVY:
As the mother of Micky Dolenz, do you think your son could ever rob a bank?

MICKY (AS MICKY’S MOTHER):
Oh, Micky? No! Not Micky, he’s a nice little boy, innocent, lovely, always right to his mother. ’Course he coulda gotten involved with some long-haired weirdos.

[The jury laughs.]

INT. MAMMOTH STUDIOS

HARVEY:
Boss. Yeah, one of them Monkees is snooping around.

HARVEY (V.O.):
And he just found something.

J.L.:
What did he find?

HARVEY:
A picture.

J.L. (V.O.):
You jerk!

J.L.:
I told you to empty the wastebasket. That picture of us and them and them guns, w-wh, they could blow the whole thing for us. Keep ’em there until I get there.

INT. COURTHOUSE - COURTROOM

MIKE:
Alright. You’ve heard testimony that my clients threatened to blow up a safe—foolish!—with this stick of dynamite. Well, I’m going to destroy the state’s case by showing that this dynamite stick is actually and totally harmless. It burns down and approaches the stick and goes out. It’s—oop—totally and absolutely harmless.

D.A.:
Your honor, I object!

JUDGE:
Objection overruled.

D.A.:
Overruled? [coughs] Overruled?

INT. MAMMOTH STUDIOS

HARVEY:
But you admitted that you were here to snoop.

PETER:
Yeah, but this isn’t a good place to snoop. There’s a better place to snoop. I’m going over to the playground to snoop.

J.L.:
Not until you hand over that picture.

“Pleasant Valley Sunday”

INT. COURTHOUSE - COURTROOM

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE:
???

J.L.:
You jerk! If you’da emptied the wastebasket, they’da never found that picture.

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE:
???

PETER:
There’s the picture, there.

MICKY:
That’s the wrong picture. That’s the wrong picture, Peter.

JUDGE:
Let me see that picture. Oh! Ha ha! They’re obviously innocent. Obviously!

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
Innocent!? ???

MICKY:
Peter, good boy!

“Randy Scouse Git”