“The Christmas Show” Script

INT. VANDERSNOOT MANSION

MIKE:
Hello, we’re the, we’re the band, we’re the band that Mrs. Vandersnoot hired for the party is who we are.

BUTLER:
There must be some mistake; we were expecting four gentlemen.

PETER:
Uh.

MIKE:
Would you accept four ladies who shave?

BUTLER:
I can accept anything. Wait in here, ladies. Boys with long hair? Girls who shave? The world’s gone to pot. No one knows who does who who these days.

PETER:
Boy, with the money I make from this gig, I’ll be able to buy Christmas presents.

MIKE:
Oh, don’t buy presents like you bought last year.

PETER:
Why, whatever could you mean?

MIKE:
Well, I mean the sport jacket you bought for Davy.

PETER:
Well, I thought if it were extra long, it would save money on the pants.

MIKE:
And, I mean the chemistry set that you bought for Micky.

MICKY:
I, uh, still get spells sometimes that I can’t account for. Ahh!

DAVY:
Ah!

MIKE:
And I mean the intelligence test you bought for yourself.

DAVY:
What happened to your present, Mike?

MIKE:
When I saw what you guys got, I wouldn’t open mine ’til July.

MICKY:
What was it?

MIKE:
Snow skis.

VANDERSNOOT:
Put the luggage in the car, William. Ah! Here you are, Monkees. Your instructions are on the list. Have a marvelous holiday, darlings. Ta ta.

PETER:
Oh, great. Have a nice time yourself.

DAVY:
Oh, thank you.

MIKE:
Uh, hold it. Mrs. Vandersnoot, can you tell us exactly when the party’s gonna be?

VANDERSNOOT:
What party? You’re babysitting for my nephew Melvin while I’m on my Christmas cruise.

MIKE:
Not a chance!

DAVY:
No, no.

PETER:
No.

MICKY:
Babysitting, madame! We’re musicians; we cannot give up years of study and involvement—

VANDERSNOOT:
I’ll give you one hundred dollars apiece in advance for the ten days.

MICKY:
However, if the price is right.

MIKE:
We don’t know anything about babysitting. I mean, those little things take a lot of attention—

MELVIN:
All that would be necessary if I were a child. The fact of the matter is, gentlemen, I’m not.

VANDERSNOOT:
Of course you’re not, darling. You never were.

DAVY:
What is he, the world’s youngest midget?

VANDERSNOOT:
Are you sure you won’t come with me, dear? We really could have a marvelous time together.

MELVIN:
You know I’m not a terribly good mahjong player; I’d probably be bored. I’m staying with you.

MIKE:
You are?

MELVIN:
Please take my hand. It gives my aunt a feeling of security.

MIKE:
Peter.

PETER:
Uh, Davy.

DAVY:
Ah.

VANDERSNOOT:
Do take care of yourself, dear.

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

INT. THE PAD

MELVIN:
Gentlemen, don’t be self-conscious. Just go on about your daily business as if I weren’t even here.

MIKE:
Well, uh, we, w-we were, you know. I mean.

PETER:
I mean, yeah. Sure, anything. We just, uh.

MIKE:
We weren’t self-c—no.

PETER:
No, we weren’t nervous at all.

MIKE:
In fact, we were gonna play.

MICKY:
Play! That’s right.

PETER:
That’s what we’ll do. We’re gonna play.

MICKY:
Alright. Ready?

MELVIN:
Isn’t it the height of conformity for the both of you to play the same instrument?

MIKE:
Well, uh, beh, no. It’s not. You see.

PETER:
We don’t, man.

MIKE:
Yeah, that’s a bass.

PETER:
Yeah, it’s different.

MELVIN:
Personally, I don’t see how different it could be.

MIKE:
This isn’t working out, you know.

PETER:
I expected more from you, Michael.

MIKE:
Hm?

PETER:
Even I could have said that.

MICKY:
He’s right; it isn’t working out at all.

MIKE:
That’s just a kid, you see?

PETER:
Right!

MIKE:
We’ve got to treat him like a kid.

PETER:
Uh? Hm?

MIKE:
A game!

PETER:
A game!

MIKE:
We’ll play a game.

PETER:
Oh, yes.

DAVY:
That’s a very good idea. Let’s play a game.

MIKE:
Now, Melvin, you see, we’re gonna play a game. The, the five of us here, we’re gonna play Simple Simon Says, about Simple Simon saying to do things, and when you’re simple, well, you… do that, okay? Now, watch this. This is a, we’ll do a little run-through here, okay? Simple Simon says, “Do this.” [jumps]

MICKY:
Ah!

MIKE:
Melvin, you’re not playing the game, you know.

MELVIN:
Let me be Simon.

MIKE:
Sure. He wants to be Simon. We’ve got him now.

MELVIN:
Simple Simon says, “What is one hundred and eighty times three, divided by two, minus seven?”

MICKY:
Seven.

DAVY:
Heh.

MIKE:
Hey, no, wait a minute, man. Nobody can figure that out in their head.

MELVIN:
Oh? Two hundred and sixty-three.

MICKY:
Wait a minute. Kids love me. They adore me. I’ll go take care of the kid. Watch this.

DAVY:
I’ve seen him with kids; he’s good with kids.

PETER:
Yeah, you do it.

MICKY:
Hi there, Melvin. Want to see a good yo-yo trick? Look at that go out there! Heh heh heh. Hm. Yeah. How about a little rock the baby in the cradle? Look at that. Right through the strings. Can you see that? Over here, kid. Huh. Look at that over here. Over here, kid. Hang on, watch this one now. Out and around the world. Around the world. Here it goes, all the way around! Ah! Uh! Uh. Uh. Pretty good, huh? Pretty—

DAVY:
Pretty good, Micky. Pretty good. Sit down, man.

MICKY:
Pretty good?

DAVY:
Listen, I’m f—I’m—that’s it. I-I-I’m mad now. I’m gonna take a crack at him. You know, he’s almost as big as I am.

MICKY:
You’ve got a good chance then.

DAVY:
Hi, Melvin, old buddy, old pal. Tell me, Melvin, uh, isn’t it kind of exciting being away from home and staying with us guys like this?

MELVIN:
It would be a lot more exciting if everyone around here didn’t act like such kids.

DAVY:
Oh! Oh, Mike, that hurt. Oh, ooh, that got me in the kidneys.

MIKE:
Oh, Davy.

DAVY:
Ah, ooh, that really hurt. Mike, Mike, he put me down, man.

MIKE:
Man, he put us all down.

DAVY:
Oh, Micky, don’t you—

MELVIN:
Ridiculous.

MIKE:
That kid’s cool like a machine or something strange.

PETER:
Yeah. Cool. Machine.

MICKY:
Now, wait a minute.

DAVY:
What?

MICKY:
He’s just a little kid, right?

DAVY:
Yeah, a kid!

MICKY:
We’ll use child psychology.

DAVY:
Right! Should I go and beat him up?

MICKY:
Right! No, no, wait, wait. Better not do that. No, wait. He’s a rich kid. What do rich kids like to do? We’ll take him Christmas shopping!

INT. TOY STORE

MICKY:
Isn’t it neat, Melvin? Isn’t it neat? Look at all the decorations! How do you like these decorations, Melvin, huh?

MELVIN:
I’ve always felt that if one stripped away all the tinsel of Christmas, underneath, you’d find nothing but more tinsel.

MICKY:
Right, Melvin, huh! Would you take my hand? It gives me a feeling of security.

SALESMAN:
Uh, hi there.

PETER:
Huh?

SALESMAN:
So simple even a child could operate it.

PETER:
A child of ten?

SALESMAN:
Ha ha ha, that’s right. Uh, it’s real easy to drive. All you do is turn on the ignition.

PETER:
Like that?

SALESMAN:
That’s right. Crank it up.

PETER:
Just like that, huh?

SALESMAN:
That’s right. Uh, up with the kickstand.

PETER:
Yes.

SALESMAN:
And off she goes. Ah!

DAVY:
This looks like a nice looking thing, doesn’t it?

SALESGIRL:
Yes, is it for you?

DAVY:
Don’t be silly; I use a security blanket. Ah! Whoa! Peter!

SALESGIRL:
Where’d he come from?

DAVY:
Left on Gower, through the studio gates, and right on the set here. What was that?

SALESMAN:
Which way did he go?

DAVY:
He went that way.

SALESGIRL:
That way.

DAVY:
Oh!

MICKY:
Look at this, Melvin, another toy. A miracle of modern toy technology. Made out of new synthetic plastics. Totally and virtually… unbreakable?

MIKE:
Well, this is just a wonderful piece of material. You know, this would make a wonderful suit for somebody like Peter. Well, it’s a wonderful day here at the department store, folks. Boy, there, Peter Tork has found himself a problem. He’s running towards ladies lingerie. He’s making a right. It looks like he’s going to make it, folks!

DAVY:
Go on, Peter!

MIKE:
It looks like—wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! He’s heading for the—

PETER:
Oh! Moan, groan! Oh!

SALESMAN:
Okay, for the repairs to the motorcycle, the cloth, and the broken toys, all together that comes out to three hundred and twenty dollars.

MIKE:
Three hundred and twenty dollars—that’s, uh, three hundred, woo, three hundred and twenty doll—well, that leaves us with twenty dollars apiece, guys.

DAVY:
Let’s go, Mike.

MIKE:
Yes, Davy.

SALESMAN:
Whoops! Plus twenty dollars for the stretcher.

MIKE:
There’s a carrying charge, right? Carrying charge. Huh.

SALESMAN:
Very funny, very funny. You belong in the movies. Or, or worse yet, television.

INT. THE PAD

PETER:
Oh!

DOCTOR:
Hm. He’s just shaken up a little bit; he’ll be fine.

MIKE:
Oh, good.

DAVY:
Oh, well, thanks very much, doctor. How much do we owe you?

DOCTOR:
Uh, that’ll be twenty dollars.

DAVY:
Twenty dollars?

PETER:
Oh!

DOCTOR:
Well, since it’s the Christmas holiday, make it nineteen ninety-five.

DAVY:
Oh, well, that’s a much better deal, that is, isn’t it?

DOCTOR:
Thank you, boys, and merry Christmas to you.

DAVY:
And the same to you.

DOCTOR:
And merry Christmas to you, little man. Heh heh heh heh. Heh. Heh heh, heh heh heh.

MELVIN:
How can anyone seriously discuss Christmas?

MIKE:
What do you mean, “How could anybody seriously discuss Christmas?”

MELVIN:
Well, what is it? Give me one fact.

PETER:
Well, it’s on December twenty-fifth.

MELVIN:
Mm-hm.

PETER:
And it’s full of cheer and good light and goodwill and friendship and fellowship.

MELVIN:
I said facts, not that sentimental sop that you believe. You’ve been lying to yourself.

MIKE:
Wait a minute. What do you mean he’s lying to himself?

MELVIN:
Well, everyone talks about the Christmas spirit, but I’ve never seen it.

MIKE:
Well, of course you have. You see it all year long. I mean, people walking around smiling. Tha-that’s the Christmas spirit.

MELVIN:
A smile?

MIKE:
Yeah, sort of. It’s not quite that simple, but that’s basically it. Well, look. You try it. Smile. You’ll see.

MELVIN:
Bah, humbug!

MIKE:
What did you say?

MELVIN:
I said, “Bah, humbug!”

MIKE:
I think you need some lessons on Christmas.

PETER:
Boy, this kid needs some lessons in Christmas.

DAVY:
You’re telling me.

EXT. CHRISTMAS TREE LOT

MIKE:
♪ Deck us all with Boston Charlie ♪

DAVY, MIKE:
♪ Fa la la la la la la la la ♪

DAVY:
♪ Oh, ??? is getting married ♪

MELVIN:
This is ridiculous; Christmas is nothing but tinsel and neon and people ???

MICKY:
Smile at the pretty girl, Melvin.

MELVIN:
I can’t smile.

MIKE:
Now, Melvin and Micky, these are Christmas trees. You can tell they’re Christmas trees because of their evergreen branches. Now, the evergreen branches is a symbol of the wellspring of goodness that bubbles up in mankind at this time of the year. Uh, it is a constant reminder of the golden rule of doing unto others as you would have—

MELVIN:
Before they do unto you, right?

MIKE:
Wrong. I let that pushy woman have that tree because it’s better to give than to receive. And besides that, there’re plenty of small trees around. We’ll just pick a small tree, right?

PETER:
Wrong.

MIKE:
What do you mean, wrong?

PETER:
Well, there are no more small trees left.

MIKE:
Well, that’s okay. How much is a big tree?

DAVY:
Uh, ten dollars.

MIKE:
Won’t take a big tree.

MELVIN:
Remember, it’s better to give than to receive.

MIKE:
Yeah, well, but with thirty dollars left in the kitty, it’s better not to give that much.

PETER:
Yeah.

MIKE:
And besides that, as usual, I have a brilliant plan.

EXT. FOREST

MIKE:
Well, this is the way it was done in the old days, Melvin, when the meaning of Christmas was clear. Men were men, and boys were boys, and ooh, look at this one here. See, if you wanted a tree like this, you just went out and you cut it down with the ax here. I’m gonna get this—stand back, son. I’m as spry as the day I was born. Oop!

MELVIN:
And you live the rest of the year in pain.

PETER:
I know why they chopped down trees in the old days. ’Cause they didn’t have enough money to buy them.

MIKE:
Yeah, maybe you guys better go buy a tree.

PETER:
Right. Okay. We’ll buy a tree.

DAVY:
Bye.

PETER:
Bye.

MICKY:
Mike! I found some holly and mistlet—mistletoe! Holly and mistletoe!

MIKE:
Holly and mistletoe?

MICKY:
Holly and mistletoe!

MIKE:
Hey, oh, no, wait. That’s not holly.

MICKY:
That’s not holly?

MIKE:
No, it’s not even mistletoe.

MICKY:
It’s not even mistletoe?

MIKE:
No, I—

MICKY:
What is it?

MIKE:
It’s commonly known as—

INT. THE PAD

DOCTOR:
Poison ivy. However, it’s a mild case.

MIKE:
Yeah, about twenty dollars’ worth.

DOCTOR:
Exactly.

MIKE:
Yeah, exactly. Always is. Boy, oh, boy. Well, that’s the last of the Christmas money I just spent.

DAVY:
Oh, Mike, don’t worry about that. Let’s show Melvin how to trim the tree. Come on.

MIKE:
Okay.

INT. THE PAD

PETER:
This is nice.

DAVY:
You know something, Melvin? Ever since I was a little boy, I wanted to hang the star on top of the Christmas tree, and year after year, they always used to say to me, “You’re too short; you can’t do it.” But now, I can do anything I want. Ah, oh, ah! Peter! Ah, oh!

INT. THE PAD

DOCTOR:
Well, there’s nothing to worry about; boy’s got a head like iron.

DAVY:
Oh, ooh!

MIKE:
Uh, doctor, uh, the thing about it is that we don’t have any money left, you see—

DOCTOR:
Oh, don’t worry about the money. Pay me after Christmas; business has been picking up.

PETER:
Ah, oh, oh. Oh.

MELVIN:
You are absolutely ridiculous.

PETER:
What?

MELVIN:
You’re killing yourself over something that doesn’t even exist.

PETER:
Michael, he’s doing it again.

MIKE:
No, he’s not. He’s right. If you don’t believe in the spirit of Christmas, then it doesn’t exist.

PETER:
Well, yeah, I guess you’re right, but still, man, he’s only twelve, and he—

MIKE:
No, there’s no way. If somebody wants to keep shooting down a bubble, you can’t keep it up.

MELVIN:
And I’m the one who keeps shooting it down.

MIKE:
I didn’t say a word.

MELVIN:
I don’t have to take this; I have a maid and a housekeeper at home.

MIKE:
You’re right; you don’t have to take it. You can stay if you want to, but you can go if you want to too.

MELVIN:
I’ll send for my bags later.

DAVY:
You know, I don’t understand it; we gave him everything. We gave him presents, games, a tree.

MIKE:
Especially at a time like this, a time of peace and love for your fellow man.

PETER:
Yeah.

MIKE:
Love. Hey, fellas?

INT. VANDERSNOOT MANSION

MELVIN:
Hello? Is anybody home?

BUTLER:
Well, Master Melvin. We’re just going out for Christmas Eve dinner. What are you doing home?

MELVIN:
Nothing. It’s alright. You can go on.

BUTLER:
Are you sure you’ll be alright alone?

MELVIN:
Yeah. You know I prefer it.

BUTLER:
Well, good night, sir.

MELVIN:
Good night.

EXT. VANDERSNOOT MANSION

DAVY:
Okay, Micky. Micky, down you go.

MICKY:
Why don’t you go down first? You’re my helper.

DAVY:
No, listen. The kid can’t see me first. He’s got to see you; you’re Father Christmas.

MICKY:
Why don’t you go down halfway, tell me what it’s like, come back up here, and tell me?

DAVY:
Just go down the hole, and when Mike and Peter see you, they’ll give him the surprise. Be careful, you know.

MICKY:
Right, okay.

DAVY:
It’s very dusty and dirty and everything. There you go.

MICKY:
I’m stuck! I’m stuck! I’m gonna die! I’m too fat! I’ll never get out of here alive! I’m stuck!

DAVY:
Micky, Micky, Micky, wait, wait! Micky, wait, wait, wa—listen, it’s the pillows. You got all those pillows there. Just take them out and you’ll be okay.

MICKY:
Alright. Yeah. Now.

INT. VANDERSNOOT MANSION

MICKY:
Ah! Oh! Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ohh! Oh-ho! Uh. How come I’m all clean and you’re all dirty?

DAVY:
Don’t you mean how come you’re all dirty and I’m all clean?

MICKY:
Yeah!

DAVY:
Well, you see, you’re always on about me being little teeny tiny weeny little David, you see.

MICKY:
Right.

DAVY:
So I figured I’d come down the middle of the chimney and avoid the sides, you see.

MICKY:
Oh, right!

DAVY:
That’s charming.

MICKY:
Ho, ho, ho!

DAVY:
Deck the halls! Ready? One, two, three.

DAVY, MICKY:
♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪
♪ Tra la-la la-la, la-la la la ♪

MIKE, PETER:
♪ ’Tis the season to be jolly ♪
♪ Fa la-la la-la, la-la la la ♪

DAVY, MICKY:
♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪

MIKE, PETER:
♪ Fa la-la, la la-la, la la la ♪

DAVY, MICKY:
♪ Troll the ancient Yuletide carol ♪

MIKE, PETER:
♪ Fa la-la la-la ♪

DAVY, MICKY:
♪ La-la la la ♪

MELVIN:
Ha ha ha ha! Hee hee!

MIKE:
Look! Look!

PETER:
He’s laughing. Lookit, he’s crying. He’s cry—what?

MIKE:
Yeah.

MELVIN:
I’m sorry, fellas. I don’t know why I’m crying.

MIKE:
We do, Melvin. Because, see, we brought you a very special present.

PETER:
Dah-dah, dah-dah! …

VANDERSNOOT:
Melvin.

MELVIN:
Aunt!

VANDERSNOOT:
Darling! I’ve never told you how much I missed you because I never thought you missed me.

MELVIN:
I thought that too.

PETER:
That’s very sad.

MIKE:
Don’t cry.

PETER:
No, I won’t.

MELVIN:
I had the most marvelous time.

VANDERSNOOT:
Did you?

MELVIN:
You want to hear about it?

VANDERSNOOT:
Yes.

MELVIN:
We trimmed the Christmas tree, and Peter rode on this motorcycle, and we had the most fun ever.

MICKY:
Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas. Here’s your present. Open your present. What fun. Ho, ho, ho.

INT. THE PAD

“Riu Chiu”

MIKE:
Uh, the crew that’s helped us for this last two years have families that are all over the country, and because some of them won’t get home for the holiday season—

DAVY:
Does anybody have anybody in England?

MIKE:
I don’t know.

PETER:
Even in Dubuque.

MIKE:
Uh, because they won’t get home to see them for the holiday season, we thought we’d bring them on, let you meet them, and let them say hello to whoever was out there. Say hello and bring you The Monkees and their crew’s Christmas message which is: peace.

PETER:
And love.

DAVY:
And everything else.

MIKE:
Go get the guys.

PETER:
Every day.

DAVY:
Lippy, Lippy, come here.

MIKE:
This is Irving Lippman, the cameraman.

DAVY:
This is Irving Lippman—

MIKE:
And Pat Blymyer.

DAVY:
—our cameraman. And Pat Blymyer and Dick Singer.

MICKY:
Hi, everybody. Where’s the camel?

DAVY:
His wife, Joyce, makes the best Yorkshire pudding. Gene Ashman, wardrobe. Mike. Ric Klein, he’s a poof. Uh, this is, uh, David Price and David Pearl. Happy Christmas.

???:
Merry Christmas.

DAVY:
And Neko Cholis. Happy Christmas. I don’t know who this is. This is Les. How are you, Les? This is Bruce. This is Brendan.

MICKY:
Oh, Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Come on.

DAVY:
What’s your name again? How are you, mate? Happy Christmas.

???:
Merry Christmas.

DAVY:
Happy Christmas. Jack! Jack Williams, the prop man.

MICKY:
There’s nobody behind the camera!

DAVY:
Nobody is behind our camera! And here’s our set dresser, Jack.

???:
Jon Andersen.

???:
Hey!

DAVY:
Bill Ushenny [???]

RIC KLEIN:
The director, the director.

DAVY:
Jon Andersen. And here we have Les, he’s our makeup man. And Gene, he plays football.

???:
Have a cool yule!

DAVY:
I don’t know who this guy is or this guy here. This guy here is always doing this to everybody. This is Bud, my buddy. And here we have—

JON ANDERSEN:
Come on in, Les. Les Fresholtz.

DAVY:
Les Fresholtz, the sound man.

JON ANDERSEN:
The sound maniac.

DAVY:
Here we have another one of our friends. Happy Christmas.

RIC KLEIN:
Hi, mom!

DAVID PEARL:
Hi, mom!

RIC KLEIN:
Hi, dad!

DAVID PEARL:
Hello, sis!

???:
Hi, Sue!

DAVID PEARL:
Hi, mom! I’m on television!

RIC KLEIN:
I’m gonna be a star, mommy!

DAVY:
And this is Stan, he was replaced by a box. Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it. Shh, shh, shh.

MIKE:
These are our very own Monkee girls.

DAVY:
These are our Monkee girls that work down in the office down there and look after everything for us. And that is Marilyn S., and this is Linda.

MIKE:
They’re all named Barbara.

PETER:
And that’s Barbara and Barbara—no, Barbara and Candy and Barbara.

DAVY:
Barbara and Candy and Barbara.

???:
You want to get Gerry Shepard in there?

DAVY:
Gerry Shepard!

???:
Yeah!

PETER:
Gerry Shepard, the fink!

DAVY:
Yeah! And—

MIKE:
Goodbye, everybody! Happy holidays!

RIC KLEIN:
Bye, mom! Bye, mom!

???:
David!

BARBARA:
Jon! Come on, Jon!