Hey, Hey, It’s The Monkees Script

INT. THE PAD

DAVY:
Hey, what’s that?

MICKY:
Ah! That is our ticket to success. Drink that, and any time you want, you can throw up.

DAVY:
Throw up?

[The doorbell rings.]

MICKY:
I’ll get it.

[Micky opens the front door.]

LAWYER:
Is this The Monkees’ pad?

[Micky nods.]

LAWYER:
I’m the lawyer for the estate of the late Lancelot von Baresfitresily the fourth, known to his friends as Chuck. Mr. The Fourth has left his entire fortune to The Monkees, provided you spend one evening at his mansion. A mansion, which some say is…

[Thunder and lightning.]

LAWYER:
…haunted.

MICKY:
Uh, oh, I think we did that one already. Mike, uh, when did we do the, uh, staying in the haunted mansion for the inheritance episode?

MIKE:
Oh, gosh, it was years ago, like episode one eighty-six or something.

PETER:
We were wearing bell bottoms!

MICKY:
Yeah, I’m sorry, we did that, but thanks anyway. Would you like a drink?

LAWYER:
Thank you.

[Lawyer takes the drink. Micky closes the door.]

LAWYER:
Blagh!

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

INT. THE PAD

MICKY:
Hey, remember that band last week that got the job instead of us by trashing the place?

PETER:
There are a lot of funny euphemisms for “throw up”.

MICKY:
You know, they were spinning around and stuff? Well, they had a gimmick. They were grungy and offensive and loud.

DAVY:
And rich!

PETER:
Like “toss your cookies”?

MICKY:
Yeah, exactly, and rich! What’s the name of that other band, the one with the blood and the make-up, um…

DAVY:
Kiss?

MICKY:
No thanks. You know they have, uh, high heels, and, uh, the guy has a nine foot tongue? What is their name?

MIKE:
Uh, Kiss?

MICKY:
No, but Davy wants one. Anyway, they’re rich too.

PETER:
Or, uh, “driving the porcelain bus”?

MICKY:
So, I figured, we could become the world’s first throw-up band. You know, ♪ Hey, hey, we’re The Monkees. People say we bleech! ♪ Ha ha ha! Kids’ll love it.

DAVY:
Two year olds, maybe. Tonight, we are playing the most prestigious country club in this city.

MIKE:
The name of the band is Kiss.

DAVY:
Could be the world!

MIKE:
They’re like… kabuki metal.

DAVY:
We can’t just go there, and well, I don’t know—

PETER:
Blow chow? Although, that’s a lot like blow lunch.

MICKY:
Well, it wouldn’t have to be gross. It could be more like confetti.

DAVY:
People don’t wanna see us—what’d you say—“tossing a sandwich”?

PETER:
No, but that works. Better if it’s hurl a sandwich, but toss works.

DAVY:
Look, even if it does look like confetti, the club today is only for the best people. We have to dress up, and we have to play it straight.

MIKE:
I can do Tasmanian kabuki.

[Mike does Tasmanian kabuki.]

MICKY:
See? That’s great!

DAVY:
No, it is not great. It is silly.

[Peter smells Micky’s concoction.]

PETER:
What’s in this stuff?

MICKY:
Don’t ask.

MIKE:
Davy’s right; we don’t really need a gimmick. I mean, you know, it’s like… “Believe”: I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows.

MICKY:
And every time The Monkees sing, they also blow!

DAVY:
Ah!

MICKY:
What’d I say?

[Davy opens the fridge.]

TOUR GUIDE:
On your right, the remnant of a tomato hurled at Micky during a concert in nineteen eighty-three by an irate cattleman who believed he had purchased tickets to a chili cook-off. Now if you’ll follow me upstairs to the freezer section, we’ll see what is believed to be the world’s first TV dinner, a gift from a fan who—

[Davy closes the fridge.]

DAVY:
Terrible! No gimmicks!

MICKY:
How can you say that? What about all those “Davy falling in love” stars, huh? That’s a gimmick.

DAVY:
No, I never ever did those on purpose, and besides, that was such a long time ago anyway.

MICKY:
Uh-huh, what about that one?

[A star pops out of Davy’s ear.]

DAVY:
Leftovers!

[Davy bats the star away.]

DAVY:
Well, maybe not entirely. I did run into someone the other day, but I just don’t do that on purpose, you know.

MICKY:
Mm-hm.

DAVY:
It just happens.

MICKY:
Mm-hm.

DAVY:
But that is not a gimmick.

MICKY:
Mm-hm.

PETER:
I can do “Donald Duck has a temper tantrum”.

[Peter does Donald Duck has a temper tantrum.]

MICKY:
See? That’s great too!

MIKE:
We better start rehearsing before another plot line shows up. Are we gonna dress alike?

DAVY:
Absolutely. People still wanna see a professional show.

MICKY:
Hey, how about if we dress as professional wrestlers?

DAVY:
Come on, you guys!

MIKE:
Is this, is this the club that wouldn’t let in Ethel Merman because she was wearing pants?

MICKY:
Don’t you mean Esther Merman, the underwater swimmer?

PETER:
No, Esther Williams was the underwater swimmer.

MICKY:
Then who’s Esther Merman?

MIKE:
Esther Merman’s the underwater singer. Ha ha ha ha ha!

PETER:
Ha ha ha.

DAVY:
Come on, guys. We really do need to rehearse before—

[A woman enters the pad.]

DAVY:
Uh oh. Too late.

WOMAN:
Quick! Hide me! I’m being chased by a bunch of guys with cell phones and…

[Thunder and lightning.]

WOMAN:
…black gloves.

DAVY:
Sorry, darling. We already did that one. Hey, hey, Mike. When did we do that one, anyway?

MIKE:
Ages ago. But there was no cell phone.

MICKY:
We’re starting to rehearse.

WOMAN:
How about this? I can’t remember who I am. I woke up sitting on a bus stop with a note pinned to my dress that read…

[Thunder and lightning.]

WOMAN:
…“return to sender”.

DAVY:
Wow. That is not bad. What do you think, guys?

[Peter shakes his head.]

DAVY:
I’m really sorry, but we have a very important gig tonight at the world’s most prestigious country club, and we really do have to rehearse.

WOMAN:
Oh, can I listen?

DAVY:
Mm… okay. Go on.

WOMAN:
Actually, I’m with a friend. Do you mind if they come in?

DAVY:
Sure. Fine.

[Woman whistles. A crowd runs in.]

MICKY:
What? What? We weren’t expecting an audience, but since you’re here, there’s drinks in the microwave. Ha!

INT. ICE RINK

“You and I”


INT. THE PAD

DAVY:
♪ You and I ♪

DAVY:
Wow, that sounded great. I’ll tell you what, though, we should, uh, rehearse some of the old hits, because they’re gonna be asking for them for sure.

MICKY:
Yeah, yeah, you’re right. Okay, uh, let’s start with “Clarksville”, huh?
♪ Take the last train to Clarksville ♪

[Laughter.]

MICKY:
♪ And— ♪
What was that?!

MIKE:
The laugh track.

PETER:
Sounds broken.

DAVY:
What, the laugh track?

MICKY:
Not again!

MIKE:
Yeah, but I like it when that happens. The house is on fire!

[Laughter.]

MIKE:
People are starving!

[Laughter.]

MIKE:
There is no fruit!

[Laughter.]

DAVY:
I think we better shut it off.

MICKY:
Good idea.

DAVY:
This’ll fix it.

[Davy pulls a lever.]

[Booing.]

DAVY:
Uh oh.

[Davy pulls another lever.]

[Applause.]

DAVY:
This is really messed up.

MICKY:
Just turn ’em all off.

DAVY:
What, even the wild applause?

MICKY:
Yes! We have to rehearse! Everything!

PETER:
Ah, man, I was just having fun.

[A lizard sunning itself on a rock.]

MIKE:
Whoa!

MICKY:
Now what?

MIKE:
A lizard sunning itself on a rock.

MICKY:
What?

MIKE:
Stock footage. I think the show may be a little short of film, and they’re having to put in this—

[A lizard sunning itself on a rock.]

MIKE:
Oh!—this stock shot that they’re getting from a film library.

DAVY:
Well, it’s really annoying!

MICKY:
Let’s get out of here. Go to the beach or something, huh?

PETER:
Suits me. I’m starting to get thought balloons.

[Davy turns the applause lever back on.]

[Applause.]

DAVY:
Thank you. Thank you, thank you. You like me. You, you, you really like me!

EXT. THE BEACH

DAVY:
You don’t really think that we need a gimmick, do you? After all these years of being just us.

MICKY:
Oh, I guess not.

DAVY:
Because, you know, Mike has turned the Monkeemobile into a low-rider.

MICKY:
He what? You turned our car into a low-rider?

MIKE:
Well, I was in traffic the other day, and this guy pulls up beside me, and his car started hopping up and down like one of those colorful South American birds.

MICKY:
But that’s silly! The Monkeemobile is our special thing.

MIKE:
Oh, I left it Monkees; it’s a dimension machine now as well.

PETER:
Ooh!

MIKE:
Like a time machine, except it goes into different dimensions.

MICKY:
We cannot go to the most prestigious country club in the whole world in a hopping bird.

PETER:
We can if we’re in another dimension.

MICKY:
Please!

DAVY:
Now, see how it feels?

MIKE:
Well, I can put it back.

MICKY:
Well, I should think so. I mean, you can’t change our car. It’s the Monkeemobile, for heaven’s sakes.

INT. MICKY’S FANTASY

MICKY:
These are the bones of the Elephant Man. And these are the bones of the Invisible Man. And this is the transmission from the Monkeemobile.

EXT. THE BEACH

MICKY:
It’s a classic.

[Micky simulates a conversation between two lobsters.]

MICKY:
Right? Right. Right? Right. Ahh, ooh! Oh, he’s dead! Oh, he’s dead!

PETER:
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

DAVY:
Come on, guys, let’s go. You know, we’ve still got to rehearse, and that gig’s only a couple of hours from now. You will, you will fix the car, right, Mike?

MIKE:
Yeah.

PETER:
But don’t change that dimension thing.

MICKY:
I don’t wanna go back to the pad.

DAVY:
Hey, well, why don’t we do it right here?

[Their instruments are set up on a small stage on the beach.]

MIKE:
This could draw a crowd.

DAVY:
Yeah.

MICKY:
Yeah, in your dreams. Okay, guys, strap in. Go, uh, “Circle Sky”, new version. One, two, three, four!

INT. TV ROOM

“Circle Sky”


EXT. THE BEACH

[A boy is crying.]

PETER:
Were we that bad?

BOY:
I raised a pig from birth, and now, my dad tells me we have to sell him for… bacon!

MICKY:
Hey, uh, bacon! Hey, that’s not bad, huh?

MIKE:
We did that. It was a calf thing, but it was essentially the same story.

PETER:
Well, we can’t just let a kid cry like this. We have to entertain him somehow.

MIKE:
Hey. Wherever there’s a cop beating up on a guy, I’m gonna be there. Wherever there’s the poor and the homeless and the hungry, I’ll be there.

BOY:
Waaaah-ha-ha!

DAVY:
Hey! What did you do?

MIKE:
I did the closing scene from Grapes of Wrath. Henry Fonda’s speech, it’s one of the great scenes in movies. You said entertain him—

DAVY:
Yeah, but you’re scaring him. You have to entertain with a capital E!
♪ Gonna build a mountain from a little rope ♪
♪ Gonna need an onion and a little soap ♪
♪ Gonna build a mountain— ♪

BOY:
Waaaah-ha-ha!

PETER:
Those aren’t the words, are they?

DAVY:
Well, I can never remember, but it’s not about that; it’s about the emotion, you know. The rope, the soap, the hope, you know, just—

MICKY:
Let me, let me. Hey, kid. Wanna see me throw up?

BOY:
Yeah!

MICKY:
Heh heh heh heh.

[Micky throws up.]

BOY:
Whoa, dude, that’s chill! Can you do that again?

MICKY:
Yeah, sure.

BOY:
I gotta go get my friends.

PETER:
Wait a minute. What about your pet pig?

BOY:
Um… I never really liked him that much.

DAVY:
Hey, guys? You don’t think that we need any kind of storyline?

PETER:
I kinda liked that “pet pig into bacon” thing—sweet and scary at the same time.

MIKE:
Well, really, not as long as we’re having a good time.

DAVY:
Think it’s perfectly alright that we don’t have any visible means of support?

MICKY:
Well, who says our means have to be visible?

DAVY:
Don’t you think that we should have some dramatic tension? Some, some, some drama, distress, some worry, some… some kind of goal?

MIKE:
Why? I mean, we been hanging out like this for years. Once every five years or so, a good storyline comes along, but other than that, it’s better just to be hanging out, having a good time. We’re on the beach, life is a bowl of oysters, what could be better?

PETER:
I wonder, if the pig talked…

MIKE:
Now, see, it doesn’t make any difference if the pig talks.

DAVY:
I got it. Alright. The landlord, he comes to the door for the last rent payment, and then, and then, all of a sudden, we’re on a desert island.

MICKY:
Yeah.

DAVY:
On the other side, there’s some buried treasure—

MIKE:
Rent? We probably own the house by now, and besides, who wants to do a story just for the sake of doing a story?

MICKY:
Ah, now it’s your turn. That’s how I felt about the Monkeemobile.

DAVY:
Yeah, and that’s the way I felt about tossing sandwiches. What do you think, Peter?

PETER:
Sandwich—no, no sandwiches. If the pig talks, sandwiches wouldn’t work.

[A lizard sunning itself on a rock.]

DAVY:
Oh, whoa!

MICKY:
Ah, lizard’s back.

MIKE:
It’s alright.

DAVY:
I’m telling you, guys, we need a storyline.

MIKE:
No, it’s okay. No. We just need to do… music!

[A piano appears on the beach.]

MIKE:
Let’s just come on, and we’ll do music.

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
♪ Antarctica is where I wanna be ♪

EXT. ANTARCTICA

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
♪ Antarctica is where I wanna be ♪
♪ Antarctica is where I wanna be, I wanna be ♪
♪ Antarctica is where I wanna be, I wanna be ♪
♪ Antarctica is where I wanna be ♪
♪ Antarctica is where I wanna be ♪

INT. THE PAD

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
♪ Antarctica is where I wanna be, I wanna be ♪
♪ Antarctica is where I wanna be, I wanna be ♪
♪ Antarctica… ♪

MICKY:
Hey, did you see the way that kid reacted to my throw-up idea?

MIKE:
Mick, he was eight.

DAVY:
Stop calling it that; it’s only confetti.

PETER:
It’s Magic Monkee Dust.

MICKY:
Hey, how about calling it Magic Monkey Hurl?

DAVY:
I think eight year olds deserve better than that. Look, what’s that purple dinosaur thing?

[Peter brings out a Monkees fingerpuppet toy.]

PETER:
Remember these?

DAVY:
Precisely my point. All that dinosaur thing is is one of those, but way out of control. I mean, you’re talking about mesmerizing four years olds, here.

MIKE:
I think Davy’s right. Just ’cause you can thrill a toddler by chewing with your mouth open, doesn’t mean you should. It’s not exactly a reference standard.

PETER:
Don’t you think playing for little kids would be fun?

DAVY:
I think playing for little kids is fun, but I don’t think we have to do any more than play our music. I mean, maybe a few dance steps, but other than that, we’re The Monkees. That’s all we need to be.

EXT. THE PAD

DRIVER:
This is it. Once, hundreds of years ago, four guys moved into this house and went crazy, and never moved out.

DATE:
They still live there?

DRIVER:
Oh yeah. They have chainsaws and hockey masks, and they chase little kids. One of them… has a hatchet. Are you afraid? Wanna kiss?

DATE:
I’m scared of kissing you.

MICKY:
And so he should be. Huh huh. Come on. You know, in today’s world of safe sex, it seems we’ve forgot about safe kissing. Now, while not as dangerous as, say, bringing a toaster into the bathtub with you, kissing does have its perils. For instance, remember at the beginning of the show, when Davy asked me for that kiss? Now, that was as dangerous as it was bizarre. Huh huh. You know, I’ve seen people catch fire just by shaking hands.

[The Monkeemobile jumps up.]

MICKY:
Ah, Mike! The Monkeemobile jumped up!

MIKE:
I’ll fix it! I’ll fix it! I promise.

EXT. STREET

MICKY:
It ruined my routine! I was doing a riff on the dangers of kissing.

DAVY:
Why?

MICKY:
Oh, there was a couple parked out by the house, and the girl was doing “crazy guys live there” in order to scare the guy into kissing her.

DAVY:
Well, it always worked for me.

MICKY:
It always works for everybody. I was just interrupting before it turned into “and the only good crazy person is a crazy person whose house is covered in toilet paper”.

DAVY:
Well, they were just telling ghost stories.

MAN:
Your bumper fell off!

PETER:
How does it work?

MIKE:
I put it on the radio. This is the first dimension.

[The Monkees enter the first dimension.]

MIKE:
Not a lot to do there.

[The Monkees return to the third dimension.]

MIKE:
And this is the second dimension.

[The Monkees enter the second dimension.]

MIKE:
Which is, you know, Flatland sort of thing.

[The Monkees return to the third dimension.]

MIKE:
And this is the third dimension.

MICKY:
Yeah, right.

MIKE:
Which is normal.

MICKY:
Mm-hm.

MIKE:
Well, Monkees normal.

MICKY:
Yep.

PETER:
Yeah, right.

MIKE:
And then this is the fourth dimension.

[The Monkees enter the fourth dimension.]

PETER:
Whoa!

MICKY:
Yeah! Stephen Hawking, eat your heart out.

DAVY:
I can dig it.

[The Monkees return to the third dimension.]

MIKE:
And really, that’s as far as I got.

PETER:
Well, but there’s more buttons.

[Peter reaches for a button.]

MIKE:
Wait!

[The Monkees enter the sixties.]

MIKE:
That’s the sixties button. It changes us back into the sixties. The problem is, it changes everything else around the car for about a hundred yards too.

[The Monkees return to the nineties.]

PETER:
What’s that last one do?

MIKE:
Well, the last one is kind of, I don’t know, it’s an odd button. It just changes one object into another object.

[Davy’s head appears on Micky’s body.]

MIKE:
It’s, uh, doesn’t really work right yet. The real problem is that none of it stays completely in the car.

PETER:
Very Monkees.

MIKE:
Heh heh. Yeah, thanks.

MICKY:
Ah, I still wish it was the way it was.

DAVY:
Me too.

MIKE:
Not even the hop?

MICKY:
Mm… neh.

MIKE:
Well. Here.

PETER:
Hm?

[Mike hands the wheel to Peter.]

MIKE:
You drive.

PETER:
Okay.

MIKE:
I’m tired.

INT. THE MOST PRESTIGIOUS COUNTRY CLUB IN THE WORLD… NO REALLY

GUARD:
Good evening. Can I help you?

MICKY:
Hi! We’re The Monkees.

GUARD:
The Monkees?! Huh huh huh, yeah, right, and I’m Ethel Merman.

[Davy enters dressed as Ethel Merman.]

DAVY:
No! I’m Ethel Merman!
♪ Dance with me! ♪
♪ I can see in your eyes you wanna dance with me ♪
♪ Let’s dance, dance, dance, dance, dance! ♪
♪ Let’s dance ♪

GUARD:
Outstanding! But I still can’t let you in. Sorry, women are not allowed to wear pants.

[Davy tears off his pants and slings them over his shoulder.]

INT. THE MOST PRESTIGIOUS COUNTRY CLUB IN THE WORLD… NO REALLY

PETER:
That guard wasn’t gonna let us in.

MICKY:
Yeah, good thinking, Dave.

DAVY:
Huh! I never met a guard yet that wasn’t a sucker for Ethel Merman.

MIKE:
Sound check!

MICKY:
Yeah, here we go. One, two, three, four!

INT. WHITE BACKGROUND

“Regional Girl”


INT. THE MOST PRESTIGIOUS COUNTRY CLUB IN THE WORLD… NO REALLY

MANAGER:
Well, hello! I am so honored to meet you!

MIKE:
Ha ha.

MANAGER:
I’m Chuck.

[Mike and Micky look confused.]

MANAGER:
…the manager of the club?

MICKY:
Oh.

MANAGER:
And this is my drop-dead beautiful daughter, the princess entwined.

DAVY:
The princess?

PRINCESS:
Not a real princess. That’s just what daddy calls me to be nice, because he seems to think I’ve lost a few tiles on re-entry.

DAVY:
Excuse me?

PRINCESS:
He says I didn’t quite come through the rocket ride, and I’m a little bats. I don’t know, he may be right, or he may be disturbed.

[Princess snorts.]

PETER:
There’s a lot of funny euphemisms for “dumb”.

[Princess snorts.]

PETER:
A few cards short of a deck.

MANAGER:
Well, I hope you fellas play all your old hits, because if this party isn’t successful, I may…

[Thunder and lightning.]

MANAGER:
…lose the club.

MICKY:
Lose the club? That’s a good episode!

MIKE:
Lame-o!

DAVY:
Hey, how about if the princess and I are stranded on a desert island. We have one more rent payment to pay, and there’s some buried treasure on the other side of the island!

PETER:
One oar in the water…

MIKE:
You know, we really, we got a new record out, and we need—

PRINCESS:
Oh, but you are gonna play some of those old hits? “Boil That Cabbage Down, Boys”?

PETER:
One brick shy of a load.

MICKY:
Uh, we were mostly gonna play the new CD. We really need the publicity… “Boil That Cabbage Down”?

MANAGER:
One of my favorites. I loved it! I thought love was only true in fairy tales. Meant for someone else, but not for me.

DAVY:
That’s “I’m a Believer”.

MANAGER:
Uh, love was out to get me.

PRINCESS:
Da-doo dat, da-doo.

MANAGER:
Somewhere else it seemed.

PRINCESS:
Da-doo dat, da-doo.

PETER:
Up the river without a clue.

MICKY:
We really need to promote this new CD.

INT. SHOPPING LAND

PETER:
Thanks for joining me. You know, ever since I invented my new non-stick cookware and psychic make-up, I’ve been getting more endorsements than I can count. Today, my guests are Davy Jones of The Monkees and Martha Stewart. Davy, how long have you been using my new psychic make-up and con-stick nookvare?

DAVY:
We have a new record out.

PETER:
I beg your pardon?

DAVY:
Me and the guys. We have a new CD.

PETER:
And Martha, when did you notice cheese wouldn’t stick to your eyebrows when… are you really Martha Stewart?

MICKY:
Yeah!

PETER:
Well, how do you make a wedding gown out of whipped cream frosting?

MICKY:
Well, uh, it depends on the flavor.

DAVY:
We have a new record out.

INT. THE MOST PRESTIGIOUS COUNTRY CLUB IN THE WORLD… NO REALLY

PRINCESS:
Does it have “Boil That—”

DAVY:
No, no, see, really, that, that’s “I’m a Believer”. The new record is, well… well, it’s new. Uh…

[Princess gets stars in her eyes.]

DAVY:
How old are you?

PRINCESS:
I don’t know. Oh, but tonight, you are gonna play the hits, aren’t you?

[Princess gets oranges in her eyes, then cherries.]

[A hot dog flies out of Davy’s ear.]

VOICE:
Hot dogs, get your hot dogs, peanuts, popcorn, hot dogs, game starting, hot dog.

[Swirls in her eyes, then a lemon/seven.]

DAVY:
Well, I suppose we could play a couple of them, yes.

PRINCESS:
And will Mike wear… the hat?

DAVY:
The hat? Um… oh, maybe.

[A lizard sunning itself on a rock.]

PRINCESS:
Dear!

DAVY:
Don’t worry, that’s just some old library film footage. You see, money is a little tight.

[Lemon/orange, seven/cherry, cherry/lemon, bar/bar.]

DAVY:
Uh, and the show, it’s about to start, so, I better go.

INT. THE MOST PRESTIGIOUS COUNTRY CLUB IN THE WORLD… NO REALLY

MICKY:
I just think there’s so much more we could do. I mean, think about it: television! The possibilities are endless!

MIKE:
What, do the news in interpretive dance?

MICKY:
Yeah, yeah, that’s a good idea!

[Peter and Mike start dancing.]

MICKY:
Dateline Cairo, home of the—

[Davy enters.]

DAVY:
Mike, Mike? Are you wearing the hat tonight?

MIKE:
The hat? The woolhat?

[Davy nods.]

MIKE:
Davy, I haven’t seen that hat in twenty-five years.

DAVY:
Have you got any other kind of hat?

MIKE:
Well, yeah, I got a baseball hat, but if I wear it with this outfit, I’ll scare everybody. I’ll look like a cross between a serial killer and Steven Spielberg.

PETER:
Or Forrest Gump.

MICKY:
Uh! Even scarier!

MIKE:
Life is like a box of chocolates.

DAVY:
Please, please, just for tonight? Look, I told the princess that you would. And that we’d play some of our hits. Otherwise, her father may…

[Thunder and lightning. Davy shrugs.]

DAVY:
…lose the club!

MICKY:
David, that’s just another gimmick. A trick to get us to do a storyline.

DAVY:
Really? But she had stars in her eyes!

MICKY:
Yeah, and raisins and grapefruits and the international symbol for “slippery when wet”.

[The boy from the beach and his friends are outside.]

MICKY:
Oh, hey, look. Ha ha! Hey, how you doing?

[The boy points at his mouth.]

MICKY:
What? Huh? What? Ha ha ha.

[The boy continues pointing at his mouth.]

MICKY:
No, no, I can’t do that. No. Oh, alright, alright. Okay. Okay, okay, here we go. Ready?

[Micky throws up.]

[The kids applaud.]

[A lizard sunning itself on a rock.]

MIKE:
Do that again.

MICKY:
What?

MIKE:
You know.

MICKY:
You mean this?

MIKE:
Yeah.

[Micky throws up.]

[A lizard sunning itself on a rock.]

MIKE:
That confetti’s a special effect, isn’t it?

MICKY:
Yeah.

MIKE:
It’s not throw-up.

MICKY:
Nope.

MIKE:
That’s why we keep running out of production money and having to cut to a lizard sunning itself on a rock.

MICKY:
I keep having this trouble. Every time I come up with a neat idea, I keep getting this weird side effect, I don’t—here he is.

[Manager enters.]

MANAGER:
Ladies and gentlemen. Could I have your attention please?

PRINCESS:
And me. Me too!

MANAGER:
Of course, you too… princess. If I say the name “The Monkees”, what do you think of?

[Crickets. Literally.]

MANAGER:
Yeah, so do I. Okay, we won’t go there tonight. How many of you remember going to school with your Monkees lunchbox and getting beaten up?

[Everyone in the crowd raises their hand.]

MANAGER:
All of you? It was quite a weapon though, wasn’t it?

[Murmurs of agreement.]

MANAGER:
I personally thought the fingerpuppets were just a little on the strange side, but you know. Forgive and forget. Water under the bridge. But tonight, singing from their brave new record, some songs that you… probably won’t recognize… along with some of their greatest hits that you’ve come to know and love. Arlo and Charlie, Humphrey and Bing, also known as Davy, Micky, Mike, and Peter, it’s The Monkees!

“Last Train to Clarksville”

“Daydream Believer”

“(I’m Not Your) Steppin’ Stone”

“I’m a Believer”

“Pleasant Valley Sunday”


INT. THE MOST PRESTIGIOUS COUNTRY CLUB IN THE WORLD… NO REALLY

MANAGER:
Well, you fellas certainly are pros. A happy ending, and no story! I get my lease renewed for ninety-nine years, and there’s absolutely no dialog about it. There are no stupid chases, there are no silly scenes of exposition, just stacks of goofy jokes and—

[The shot is flipped upside down.]

MANAGER:
—silly special effects. Thanks to you.

PRINCESS:
And it was a dream come true for me as well, to see the four of you all together like this. Even though you’re all grown up, you’re just as stupid as you ever were.

MICKY:
Hoo!

PRINCESS:
Oh, and Davy? I found out how old I am.

DAVY:
Oh, really? How old?

PRINCESS:
…I forgot.

MIKE:
What a maroon. Heh heh heh heh heh.

EXT. STREET

PETER:
You guys mind if I play with this?

MIKE:
Go ahead.

DAVY:
So what episode was that? Seven hundred and eighty-one, or…?

MIKE:
Yeah. Seven hundred and eighty-one.

MICKY:
I wonder if the general public knows that TV shows like ours never die, that they just go on and on, even though they’re not being broadcast.

DAVY:
The princess does. She’s still watching new episodes of The Flying Nun.

[The Monkees laugh. Davy imitates Princess’ snorting.]

PETER:
And Charlie’s Angels, and M*A*S*H and Cheers and…

[The Monkees arrive at the pad.]

EXT. THE PAD

PETER:
…whoa.

[The pad is covered in toilet paper.]

MIKE:
Holy smokes.

[The Monkees get out of the car.]

MIKE:
They papered the house.

PETER:
You know? It doesn’t look half bad.

MICKY:
Well, might as well finish it off!

[Micky is about to throw up.]

DAVY:
End the show? ’Cause this will finish up the rest of the production budget, right?

MICKY:
Yeah.

MIKE:
Well, it’s as good a place as any. Endings are always hard.

MICKY:
So?

MIKE:
Okay.

[Davy, Mike, and Peter plug their ears.]

MICKY:
Here goes!

[Micky throws up.]