“I Was a Teenage Monster” Script

EXT. MENDOZA MANSION

MICKY:
This place looks like it was condemned before it was built.

MIKE:
It looks like a high rise garbage dump.

DAVY:
What kind of place is this?

MICKY:
Knock.

MIKE:
Okay.

INT. MENDOZA MANSION - ENTRANCE

MENDOZA:
Come in, come in. I’ve been expecting you.

MIKE:
Ha ha ha. Hello. Huh.

MICKY:
Hi, hi, there. Huh. Wow, that’s, that’s a…

MIKE:
Hello, we’re, uh, we’re the, we’re The Monkees.

MENDOZA:
Yes. So I surmised. I am Doctor Mendoza.

MICKY:
Well, uh, Doctor Mendoza, heh heh, where are all the people? We’re supposed to play for a party, aren’t we?

MENDOZA:
Oh, no. You were misinformed. No.

MIKE:
Well, what-what are we doing here?

MENDOZA:
I want you to teach. I would like you so much to teach.

MIKE:
Teach who? You?

MENDOZA:
No, no, no. Not me. Uh, a youngster. Oh, please. We have such huge hopes for him.

MIKE:
Well, if it’s a youngster, that’s—sure, it’s okay with me.

MENDOZA:
Good, good, good. I’m delighted.

MICKY:
Oh, guh!

DAVY:
Ah!

GROOT:
Master, a moment?

MENDOZA:
Yes, yes, certainly. Excuse me, please.

MICKY:
You don’t suppose he’s the pupil?

MIKE:
I don’t know.

INT. MENDOZA MANSION - LABORATORY

GROOT:
Everything is in readiness, master.

MENDOZA:
Good, good. We will create the greatest rock and roll singer in the world. Heh heh heh.

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

INT. MENDOZA MANSION - BALLROOM

MIKE:
Um, um, Doctor Mendoza? I-I sort of assume that you want us to teach your friend rock and roll.

MENDOZA:
That’s right. Rock and roll really appeals to the little monster.

DAVY:
Oh, it’s a child. Is he your son?

MENDOZA:
Well, yes, I guess you could say he is my own flesh and blood. Ha! Ho ho ho ho. Come, we must meet it… him.

MIKE:
You know, there are overtones of this thing I don’t like.

DAVY:
Don’t you get it? It’s a joke, man. “Own flesh and blood.” It’s a joke.

MIKE:
Oh, yeah. Ha ha.

INT. MENDOZA MANSION - LABORATORY

MIKE:
Yeah, well, uh, where is he?

PETER:
Yeah, where is the little monster?

MENDOZA:
Here he is.

MICKY:
Ah!

DAVY:
Ah!

MICKY:
The little monster is a little monster.

MENDOZA:
His antenna picks up your voices.

MICKY:
Listen, uh, buh, uh, we gotta split.

MIKE:
Rehearse! Rehearse!

MICKY:
We gotta rehearse. Yeah, bye.

MENDOZA:
Wait! Haste makes waste.

MIKE:
Look, doctor, um, uh, you can’t really, uh, expect us to teach a monster to sing.

MENDOZA:
He’s not a monster; he’s a machine.

MIKE:
Well, we can’t tutor a computer. A ha ha.

PETER:
Fellas, I find it hard to believe he’s dangerous.

DAVY:
I find it very hard to believe Peter.

PETER:
He wouldn’t hurt a fly.

MICKY:
Let’s, uh, catch one and find out.

MENDOZA:
I beg, I beg. No, science must be served.

MIKE:
Doctor, I cannot risk the lives of myself and my men for such a foolhardy experiment, and for such a pittance of a sum as a hundred dollars. That was pretty good.

MENDOZA:
I’ll make it two hundred.

MIKE:
You’re on.

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
Science must be served!

MENDOZA:
Good. My android already knows a little music. Sing!

MONSTER:
Goorah! Goorah! Goorah!

MENDOZA:
I taught him that myself. It’s an old Transylvanian folk song.

DAVY:
Hey, what do you suppose that means?

MIKE:
Jimmy crack corn and I don’t care.

MICKY:
Wait, don’t do that!

MENDOZA:
Why not?

MICKY:
Well, uh, his, uh, pants’ll fall down, yeah.

MENDOZA:
Well, I think I leave you now to get acquainted.

MICKY:
Oh, ha ha.

DAVY:
Oh!

MENDOZA:
Monster, Monkees.

MIKE:
Don’t leave!

MICKY:
Hi there.

DAVY:
Ah-ah-ah-ah-achoo!

MONSTER:
Gesundheit.

MIKE:
I have a feeling we shouldn’t have taken this job.

PETER:
You said, you said that if I made dinner every night and made my bed, I could have a pet.

MIKE:
Alright, but the first day you don’t feed it, back he goes.

DAVY:
We better try and win his confidence.

MIKE:
Yeah.

MICKY:
Boy, fellas, it’s really amazing to think that a monster was created in this very laboratory—what’s the matter?

MIKE:
You almost dropped his mother.

INT. MENDOZA MANSION - BALLROOM

MICKY:
First, first, we gotta get him a name.

MIKE:
How about Frankie Frankenstein? I can see it now in lights, all the way around the mausoleum.

DAVY:
No, Frankenstein isn’t a good name for a singer; it doesn’t even sound Italian.

MICKY:
No, no, I’ll tell you what’s wrong with him. I’ll tell you, man, it’s his image.

MONSTER:
Don’t do that.

MICKY:
First, the Beatle haircut. Uh-huh. Dark glasses. Uh, some groovy clothes. And a guitar. There. Now how does it look?

MIKE:
It looks like a long-haired, near-sighted monster with a guitar.

PETER:
Well, now the first thing you gotta do is to learn to move. See, like you, right?

DAVY:
Yeah, yeah, that’s it.

PETER:
More. More. Good, like…

DAVY:
No. it’s gotta be really big, man, like, you know. Yeah, that’s right. Well, everyone has his own style.

MICKY:
Now, now, you see, in the art of drumming, it’s an art, and-and the trick is to be very gentle. You got it? Very gentle. Yeah? Good. Okay, ready now? I’ll give you the down beat. A one, a two, a one, two, three! Man, that’s some style. Where do you keep your brains?

INT. MENDOZA MANSION - BALLROOM

MONSTER:
Goorah! Goorah!

MIKE:
Yeah, well, you know, he’s not half bad.

PETER:
He’s great!

MENDOZA:
Well, my friends, you have done well.

MIKE:
Oh, yeah, well, we got him kind of squared away from an instrument standpoint, um, but we still haven’t done anything with his voice. Uh, we’ll come back and work on that in the morning.

MENDOZA:
Oh, oh, oh, I could not let you leave so late. The mountain roads are hazardous at this hour. You will be my guests for the night, then you start again fresh in the morning, huh? Groot! This is my valet, Groot.

GROOT:
I live to grovel.

MENDOZA:
Do not be deceived by Groot’s humble appearance; he is of a very ancient family.

MIKE:
Yeah, descended in a direct line from Jack the Ripper. A ha ha ha ha.

MENDOZA:
Groot, show them to their rooms.

GROOT:
Yeah. Come. Come.

MENDOZA:
A one, a two, a three, a four!

MONSTER:
Goorah!

INT. MENDOZA MANSION - BEDROOM

PETER:
Oh! Hey, look, fellas. All the comforts of home.

MIKE:
Yeah, your home, shotgun, not mine.

INT. MENDOZA MANSION - LABORATORY

MENDOZA:
Not too tight.

GROOT:
They’re in their room, master.

MENDOZA:
Excellent. Now we are ready to take the final step, to transfer the voices of The Monkees into the android.

GROOT:
How will you do this, master?

MENDOZA:
Oh, it’s very simple; we merely unite the frontal lobes with coaxial conduits and force the cerebellum to proliferate its reflexes. You understand, Groot?

GROOT:
All except the last part, master.

MENDOZA:
What last part?

GROOT:
The part after “It’s very simple.”

INT. MENDOZA MANSION - BEDROOM

DAVY:
You know, we’ve really gotta get out of this place; Doctor Mendoza gives me the willies.

MICKY:
Hey, what does this door lead to? Who, uh, who, uh, I don’t, uh…

MIKE:
Who in the world are you?

DOCTOR’S BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER:
I am the doctor’s beautiful daughter.

MICKY:
Oh. Huh. Uh, buh, well, what do you have to do with all this?

DOCTOR’S BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER:
Nothing; I’m in the sequel.

MICKY:
Oh. Ha ha. Anyway. What, uh.

MIKE:
Oh, this whole place is too weird. I think two hundred dollars is not going to do us any good if we’re dead.

MICKY:
No, man; we should have asked for two fifty.

MIKE:
I’ll turn on the TV. We’ll relax.

WOMAN [on TV]:
He’s on a table. What does it mean?

MAN [on TV]:
It means I have discovered the secret of placing the brain of a man into the body of an ape.

WOMAN [on TV]:
But, father, there are some things that a man was not meant to tamper with. Father, please don’t do that.

MAN [on TV]:
Now, daughter, watch me while I prepare for an astounding operation.

MICKY:
I really need this, man.

MIKE:
This isn’t bad considering, is it, Davy? Davy? Davy? Davy?

WOMAN [on TV]:
Oh, I am, I am.

MIKE:
Davy?

WOMAN [on TV]:
What does it mean?

MICKY:
Forget it, Mike. You know how Davy gets when he watches TV. Right, babe? Mike? Mike? Mike? Uh, Mike? Ah!

PETER:
Gee, I wish I had my own room. Micky? Mike? Mike? Davy? Where are you all? Come on, you guys. This is no—hey! Come on!

INT. MENDOZA MANSION - LABORATORY

MENDOZA:
Ah, now I show these fools who laughed at me. We are ready for the last stage of the experiment: the transfer of musical ability from one body to another.

MICKY:
Ahh.

MIKE:
Hey, doctor, you know, if we die, you could go to the chair for this.

MENDOZA:
Ho ho ho. There is very little danger of your dying; Godfrey von Schnitzler says this type of experiment need not be fatal.

MIKE:
Who is the world is Godfrey von Schnitzler?

MENDOZA:
Oh, you know Godfrey. He’s a little boy that lives down the hill. You know, it’s all very simple, this transfer of electrical current from one brain to another. Uh, for example, Groot, uh, hand me any two wires. Yeah, so. Groot! You forgot to turn off the current! Wah! Now, start building up the electrode pressure. Hm hm hm! Ho ho!

DAVY:
Oh, ooh! Oh! Hey, Doctor Mendoza, how’s my head gonna feel in the morning?

MENDOZA:
Oh, fine. You won’t have any headache.

DAVY:
That’s good. Ooh!

MENDOZA:
Of course, you won’t be able to make a fist for three weeks. Ha ha ha ha!

DAVY:
Please, please—oh, sorry—please get it over with. Oh!

MENDOZA:
Relax. My electricity gets into the bloodstream seconds faster than aspirin. Now turn the coaxial knob to full.

GROOT:
Full!

MENDOZA:
The input output to whatever.

GROOT:
Whatever!

MENDOZA:
Okay. Move the pointer to mellow!

GROOT:
Mellow!

MIKE:
Mellow?

MENDOZA:
And now we are ready for the final stage. The final burst of electrical energy that will transfer their musical skills into the android. I throw the switch! Alright, boys. Now, sing!

MICKY:
♪ Here we come ♪
♪ Walking down the street ♪

MICKY, PETER:
♪ We get the funniest looks from ♪

MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
♪ Everyone we meet ♪

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
♪ Hey, hey, we’re The Monkees ♪
♪ And people say we monkey around ♪

MONSTER:
♪ Here we come ♪
♪ Walking down the street ♪
♪ We get the funniest looks from ♪
♪ Everyone we meet ♪
♪ Hey, hey, we’re The Monkees ♪
♪ And people say we monkey around ♪
♪ But we’re too busy singing ♪
♪ To put anybody down ♪

INT. MENDOZA MANSION - LABORATORY

MIKE:
Hey, Peter, are you okay?

PETER:
Well, this, this one tooth has been acting up, but the dentist said he could file it down and put a temporary crown on it.

MIKE:
Okay, doc, maybe you got away with it this time. When we get out of here, the police are gonna make you very sorry, fella!

MENDOZA:
I think not. When you return to your room, you will remember nothing that has taken place.

MICKY:
I will too!

MENDOZA:
You will remember nothing.

MICKY:
I will remember nothing.

MENDOZA:
You will remember nothing.

PETER:
I will remember nothing.

MENDOZA:
You will remember nothing.

MIKE:
I will remember nothing.

MENDOZA:
You will remember nothing.

DAVY:
I will remember nothing.

GROOT:
I will remember nothing.

MENDOZA:
Not you! Take them to their rooms. In the morning, we start the last experiment: whether the monster can fool an audience.

INT. MENDOZA MANSION - BALLROOM

MENDOZA:
Well, good morning, everybody.

MICKY:
Morning.

MENDOZA:
You are feeling alright?

MIKE:
Oh, yeah, thank you very m—oh, fine? I feel wonderful.

DAVY:
Not bad. Not bad.

MENDOZA:
All ready to play, yes?

DAVY:
Yeah.

MENDOZA:
Alright, let’s begin the experiment.

MIKE:
Okay, uh, Micky—experiment? Uh, one, two, three, nine, seven.

MICKY, PETER:
♪ I’m gonna pack up all the pain ♪
♪ Gonna keep it in my heart ♪

MIKE:
♪ I’m gonna keep the pain in my heart ♪

DAVY:
♪ Keep it in my heart ♪

MICKY:
♪ Hey, hey, hey, tomorrow’s— ♪

MENDOZA:
Gentlemen, when I retained you, I thought you were musicians.

MIKE:
Oh, well, we—

MENDOZA:
Now I shall have to ask for my money back.

MICKY:
You don’t understand—

MIKE:
We are.

DAVY:
We usually play, you know, we play pretty good.

MIKE:
Yeah, we play—I, I don’t care what—

MICKY:
Really, man. I don’t understand.

MENDOZA:
But wait a minute, I think, yes, see here. Wait, gentlemen! Wait! You are about to witness the world premiere of my latest invention, which you yourselves helped to create more than you know. And here he is, the swinging android.

“Tomorrow’s Gonna Be Another Day”

PETER:
But it’s great.

MICKY:
It’s pretty good, I guess.

MIKE:
Good luck. See you later.

GROOT:
By George, you did it. By George, you did it.

MENDOZA:
They said I couldn’t do it.

GROOT:
But you did it.

INT. MENDOZA MANSION - BEDROOM

MIKE:
You know, I don’t understand it. That monster was singing with our voice, and we couldn’t even carry a tune in a bucket.

MICKY:
Hey! I got it! I remember! The laboratory!

DAVY:
So do I! They drained us of our musical ability, and then they made us forget it.

MIKE:
Come on, let’s take a look at the lab.

MICKY:
Yeah. Wait, uh… Listen. Your father stole our voices and gave ’em to that monster. Now what do you think of that?

DOCTOR’S BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER:
Wait’ll you see the sequel. The vampire turns Davy into a werewolf.

MICKY:
I don’t want to hear it. Oh!

INT. MENDOZA MANSION - LABORATORY

MIKE:
Hey, the doctor’s not here; we gotta work fast.

MICKY:
Well, what do we do? What?

MIKE:
Um, wait. You think you can figure out how to put this thing in reverse?

MICKY:
Yeah, it’s a cinch, man.

MIKE:
Then do it.

PETER:
Okay, Mick, throw the switch.

MICKY:
Okay, ready? A heh. Start all over again.

INT. MENDOZA MANSION - BALLROOM

MENDOZA:
Come, Groot. We must check the android. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the evilest one of all?

MIRROR (V.O.):
Doctor Franz Schwibel of Dusseldorf Germany.

MENDOZA:
But I thought it was me.

MIRROR (V.O.):
You are only second best; you’ll have to try harder. And don’t yell at me; I only work here.

INT. MENDOZA MANSION - LABORATORY

MICKY:
Well, I think I’ve got that gizmo wired straight this time, but it could be dangerous, guys.

MIKE:
Yeah, well, I’m very fatalistic.

MICKY:
Huh?

MIKE:
Well, I figure either an electrode’s got my name on it or it hasn’t.

MICKY:
Oh. Huh. Well, when I throw the switch, it should reverse the process and transfer the monster’s musical ability back to us. Are you ready?

MIKE:
Okay, ready.

MICKY:
You’re ready now, huh?

MIKE:
Yeah, I’m ready.

MICKY:
Here goes.

MIKE:
Wait!

MICKY:
Huh?

MIKE:
Okay, I’m ready.

MICKY:
Okay, here goes.

MONSTER:
Groovy, man. That’s not my bag. Don’t get uptight.

DAVY:
Hey, he’s become a hippie.

MONSTER:
Let’s split. Go to my pad. That’s where it’s at. Groovy? Dig?

MIKE:
Oh, great. Now we got a super hippie on our hands.

INT. MENDOZA MANSION - BALLROOM

GROOT:
Hello? It’s for you, master. She says it’s vitally important.

MENDOZA:
Hello, this is Doctor Mendoza. No, madam, we are not interested in bossa nova lessons.

INT. MENDOZA MANSION - LABORATORY

MICKY:
Hold it, guys, I-I think I got it now. Just a minute. Ah! Okay, here goes. Okay, Mike, how do you feel?

MIKE:
Kill! Kill!

DAVY:
Hey, Micky! What you’ve done to Mike?

MICKY:
Yeah, his, uh, voice isn’t usually that deep, is it?

INT. MENDOZA MANSION - BALLROOM

GROOT:
Now that you’ve made the singing android, will you not do as you promised and turn me into a tall, strong monster?

MENDOZA:
Yes, Groot. I shall turn you into a vampire.

GROOT:
Oh, but you promised to make me into a wolf man.

MENDOZA:
Alright. I’ll make you into a wolf man.

GROOT:
Oh, good. Although, vampires are nice.

INT. MENDOZA MANSION - LABORATORY

MICKY:
Okay, I think I got it. I think I got it this time. Ready? Here goes nothing. Okay, Mr. Monster, are you back to normal?

MONSTER:
I would do this room in French Provincial.

MIKE:
No, Micky. What is this called?

MONSTER:
The color scheme should be lavender and puce. Or this.

MICKY:
Ha ha. Oh, sorry about that. Ha ha ha. I, you see, the dials were… uh, listen, guys, honest, I’ll get it this time. Really, it’s very simple, all I gotta do is adjust this one dial over here on the board, I—oh!

INT. MENDOZA MANSION - BALLROOM

MENDOZA:
What was that?

INT. MENDOZA MANSION - LABORATORY

MENDOZA:
So, you will undo all my work?

MICKY:
Curse you, Red Baron!

MENDOZA:
Android, I’m your master. Kill The Monkees!

PETER:
Android! Andy! Andy, wait! I’m Peter, your friend. The doctor is an evil man. He wants to exploit you. You’re only a pawn in his hands, a tool for his avaricious ambition.

MIKE:
“Avaricious ambitions”? Where did he get that?

DAVY:
It’s in the script.

MIKE:
Are you sure?

DAVY:
Yeah, on page twenty-eight.

MIKE:
Oh.

PETER:
Besides, he wants sixty percent of your income.

MONSTER:
Sixty percent!

MENDOZA:
No, android! I am your master, and I only want twenty-five percent. Kill that Peter.

PETER:
No, android, wait! He’s a bad man!

MENDOZA:
Kill Peter!

PETER:
The doctor!

MENDOZA:
Peter.

PETER:
The doctor.

MENDOZA:
Peter.

PETER:
The doctor.

MENDOZA:
Peter.

PETER:
The doctor.

MENDOZA:
Peter.

“Your Auntie Grizelda”

INT. MENDOZA MANSION - BALLROOM

MIKE:
Uh, that’s right, officer, it’s the, uh, big, scary looking house on the very top of the hill. Uh-huh? Oh. Well, just a second, I have to check. Uh, hey, Doctor Mendoza, what’s the name of this street?

MENDOZA:
Rosebud Lane.

MIKE:
Rosebud… I thought that was the name of a sled. It’s, uh, Rosebud Lane. Yeah. Yeah, I didn’t believe it either. Okay. Later.

MICKY:
Now, don’t worry, guys, man, I reversed the doctor’s process, and we’ve regained all our musical talents.

DAVY:
I certainly hope we didn’t lose any in the wiring.

PETER:
Yeah, we don’t have any to spare.

MICKY:
Relax, I know all about this electrical jazz. We’re perfectly alright. Come on. Come on, I’ll show you. Pick up the stuff and let’s play something.

DAVY:
Are you all ready?

MIKE:
Yeah.

DAVY:
Okay.

MIKE:
Mm-hm.

DAVY:
A one, a two, a one, two, three!