“Monstrous Monkee Mash” Script

Teaser

EXT. COUNT’S CASTLE

INT. COUNT’S CASTLE - LIBRARY

DAVY:
Gee Lorelei, when you said you lived by the water, I didn’t think you meant the swamp. Heh heh heh… Oh! Uh, would you hold that for me, please? Thank you. Ah hah… Oh, what a very interesting painting this is. Oh! What’s that?

LORELEI:
That is my uncle.

DAVY:
Oh, really? How long had he been dead when he posed for that picture?

COUNT:
[blows raspberry]

DAVY:
Oh! What’s that?

BAT (V.O.):
I want to drink your blood!

DAVY:
A heh heh. This certainly is a conversation piece, innit? Heh heh.

LORELEI:
Davy Jones, there is something I want to give you.

DAVY:
Uh, can’t you wrap it up for me and uh, and give it to me at Christmas time?

LORELEI:
Davy Jones, you’re not really afraid of me, are you?

DAVY:
No, it’s just that somebody’s doing a pretty good job of faking it. Uh, listen, uh, any time you want to go romping in the sun, fun and jumping, give me a call. Ah ha!

LORELEI:
Wait! One kiss, so that we will have a remembrance of each other.

DAVY:
Oh, I’m sure I’ll remember you, Lorelei, without a kiss. Heh heh. Ohh, ohh! …What a kiss! I’ve never felt this way before.

LORELEI:
You fool! It is not my kiss, but the magic necklace!

DAVY:
What a necklace! I’ve never felt this way before.

COUNT:
Silence! Excuse me. Yes, yes! He’s a little short, but other than that, a perfect specimen. He will be Count Dracula reborn!

LORELEI:
Count Dracula reborn!

COUNT:
Mwhaha! Mwhahahahaha!

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

Act One

INT. THE PAD

MICKY:
Who’s that?

PETER:
Who’s that?

MICKY:
Don’t do that!

MIKE:
Who’s that?

MICKY:
Ahh!

PETER:
Who’s that?

MIKE:
Will you guys please quit scaring each other and turn on the light?

MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
AHH!

PETER:
Hey, listen, Davy should have been back by now, guys; I’m scared.

MIKE:
Oh, don’t worry; I’ve got a telephone number where we can reach him. I’ll call it.

COUNT:
Mwhahahahahaha!

MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
[gasping]

MIKE:
I think Davy’s in trouble; we better go help him.

MICKY:
Right.

MIKE:
And once again, courageous American youth leaps into the fore. Or five.

INT. COUNT’S CASTLE - UNDERGROUND CRYPT

COUNT:
Here, drink this.

DAVY:
What is it?

COUNT:
This is only tomato juice.

DAVY:
Don’t you meant tomoto juice?

COUNT:
Drink it! To get you used to the color. But in the matter of a few days, you will be drinking blood!

DAVY:
Blood? Bleh!

COUNT:
Bleh?

DAVY:
Bleh!

COUNT:
Bleh!

DAVY:
I think we’ve got a hit.

INT. COUNT’S CASTLE - UNDERGROUND CRYPT

COUNT:
You now have a genuine Dracula cape. So fly, young Dracula, fly!

DAVY:
Oh! Oh! I’m flying! Ah, ah, whoa, wah! Ooh. Before I take off next time, could you check the tower for ground clearance, please? Ah heh.

EXT. COUNT’S CASTLE

EXT. COUNT’S CASTLE

MICKY:
Don’t worry, Pete; Davy’s in that castle, we’ll find him.

PETER:
Good.

COUNT:
Won’t you come in?

MICKY:
On second thought, no!

MIKE:
Now wait a minute. Uh, we’re friends of Davy Jones.

LORELEI:
Won’t you come in?

MICKY:
On third thought, yes!

COUNT:
Mwa-ha! Mwaaaah.

PETER:
Ha-ha ha-ha. Na-ha ha-ha.

MICKY:
Ohh. Hey-hey. Hey-hey-hey…

INT. COUNT’S CASTLE - UNDERGROUND CRYPT

DAVY:
Hey, how come they keep you down here in the basement when they’re allowed to walk around upstairs?

WOLFMAN:
[noises]

DAVY:
I don’t wanna be catty, but they’re treating you like a dog!

WOLFMAN:
[noises]

INT. COUNT’S CASTLE - LIBRARY

COUNT:
Come in, gentlemen, come in. I bid you welcome.

PETER:
Sure a nice place you have here.

COUNT:
And now if you will excuse us. We have some work to do.

MIKE:
Uh, wh-where’s Davy?

LORELEI:
Uh, he drove into town. He should be back soon.

MIKE:
Wonder what Davy would be doing out on a night like this?

MICKY:
Yeah, without his umbrella.

PETER:
You know, I don’t know what you guys are upset about. Here we are in the home of some perfectly awfully sweet people, an ordinary man and his niece, who just happen to keep bats in the living room.

MIKE:
Ba-ba-bat?

PETER:
Uh, lats in the bivi—uh keep bats in the—they just—doorb, leeb, guh—carry bats in the—la la luh—this is disgusting.

MICKY:
Ya!

JAMES FRAWLEY (O.S.):
Alright, good. Uh…

MICKY:
Would you like a little bit bigger?

JAMES FRAWLEY (O.S.):
Peter—hm? No.

MICKY:
That was my medium scare.

JAMES FRAWLEY (O.S.):
No, do another one.

MICKY:
Would you like a louder one?

JAMES FRAWLEY (O.S.):
A smaller one.

MICKY:
A smaller one?

JAMES FRAWLEY (O.S.):
Yeah.

MICKY:
Ah!

JAMES FRAWLEY (O.S.):
Good.

PETER:
I think I’ll have a look around… Hm. Instant portrait. Not bad.

MIKE:
A Study into the Nature of the Vampire by Count Sylvanius Blacula.

PETER:
[gasps] I’ve seen that face before.

COUNT:
“I’ve seen that face before.” What a dumb-dumb.

PETER:
I know I’ve seen that face before. I know I’ve seen that face be—I’ve faced that scene before. Oh! Faced that—! Oh-ho!

COUNT:
I think this boy’s mind will be perfect for the monster.

LORELEI:
But why, uncle, why?

COUNT:
Because he hasn’t a brain in his head.

MIKE:
This is a book here that tells you how to be a vampire.

MICKY:
Me be a vampire? I don’t wanna be a vampire! Why does it tell me to be a vampire, Mike? Mike, why?

MIKE:
It’s not you, it’s everybody.

MICKY:
Ohh.

BAT (V.O.):
I want to drink your blood!

PETER:
That’s not at all nice to say.

BAT (V.O.):
I want to sip your blood!

PETER:
Much better.

MIKE:
Hey.

PETER:
Hm?

MIKE:
Heeey.

PETER:
Ohh.

MICKY:
Ohh.

MIKE:
That’s him. In the picture, right there, that’s him.

PETER:
I thought I saw that man at the front gate.

MIKE:
Yes.

MICKY:
I told Davy a thousand times, man: stop hanging around with vampires!

MIKE:
I know.

MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
Vampires?!

PETER:
What a time to be caught without a turtleneck!

MICKY:
Gaaah!

MIKE:
Shh. Sh.

PETER:
What?

MICKY:
What are you whispering for?

MIKE:
I don’t want anybody to hear our plans.

MICKY:
Alright.

PETER:
Right.

COUNT:
Cut yourself? Hopefully?

MIKE:
Now look, if the uncle comes back in…

PETER:
Right.

MIKE:
Pretend that everything is ga-roovy.

PETER:
Right.

MICKY:
Yeaah, baby.

PETER:
Right.

MIKE:
Peter, you search the house.

PETER:
No.

MIKE:
What do you mean “no”?

PETER:
I might find something. And I’d rather stay here where it’s safe, with you, Michael.

COUNT:
Good boy, good boy.

MIKE:
I gotta hand you one thing, Pete.

PETER:
What’s that?

MIKE:
You have a great respect of fear.

PETER:
You’re right; it scares me to death.

MIKE:
What?

PETER:
Fear does.

MIKE:
[sighs]

COUNT:
Go get the magic necklace. The star of Transylvania shall rise again… Better composition.

MIKE:
Come on, Mick. Come on, Mick, let’s go.

MICKY:
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

INT. COUNT’S CASTLE - UNDERGROUND CRYPT

DAVY:
After all, what has Dracula ever done for you? All those pictures you’ve made together. Dracula Leaves, Dracula Returns. You know, you’ve made over thirty movies with him, and you haven’t even got second billing.

WOLFMAN:
[noises]

DAVY:
What you need is a good agent! These people are exploiting you!

WOLFMAN:
[noises]

LORELEI:
What do you want, Wolfman, what do you want?

DAVY:
He wants a better percentage of the profits, he wants cookouts on the weekends, and… he wants to play his own music!

WOLFMAN:
[noises]

LORELEI:
It’s a deal.

DAVY:
Oh.

INT. COUNT’S CASTLE - LIBRARY

LORELEI:
Hello, Peter.

PETER:
Ahh! Uh, bye, Lorelei.

LORELEI:
Where are you going? Don’t you like me?

PETER:
Oh, I, I like you fine. It’s just that I finished reading all these books!

LORELEI:
My goodness! All six hundred volumes?

PETER:
Well, I took a speed-reading course. So now if you’ll excuse me, I—

LORELEI:
I just love an educated man!

PETER:
Hey, aren’t you Davy’s girl?

LORELEI:
No, no!

PETER:
Oh, well, heh heh… What a kiss! I’ve never felt this way before?

LORELEI:
You fool! It was not my kiss, but the magic necklace!

PETER:
What a necklace! I’ve never felt this way before.

COUNT:
Ahh! Don’t do that. You know I’ve got low blood pressure.

WOLFMAN:
[noises]

COUNT:
Put him down Wolfman. The subject must be used for the ultimate monster. This one is a dumb-dumb, and we can control every thought that goes into his head.

WOLFMAN:
[noises]

COUNT:
Put him down anyway!

WOLFMAN:
[noises]

COUNT:
Don’t make me use my magical power on you.

WOLFMAN:
[noises]

COUNT:
Fetch!

WOLFMAN:
I love hot dogs! Ah heh.

COUNT:
Quickly now, to the laboratory. He will stay under my power until the proper time. Go. You too. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

INT. COUNT’S CASTLE - HALLWAY

MICKY:
Ahh!

MIKE:
Ohh!

MICKY:
Hoo. The door, the door!

MIKE:
Ohh!

MICKY:
Ecch! Eww! Are you dirty!

MIKE:
Wow, what a—

MICKY:
Where’d you get that suit!

MIKE:
What a m-m-mess!

MICKY:
Yeck!

MIKE:
Out!

MICKY:
Uh, you stink!

MIKE:
Hoo, woo!

MICKY:
Ckkk! Uhh!

MIKE:
What?

MICKY:
I’m scared, I’m scared, I’m scared, let’s get out of here.

MIKE:
We can’t leave now, man; we haven’t found Davy.

MICKY:
We can form a trio.

MIKE:
Na—come on, let’s go look in the library.

MICKY:
Okay.

MIKE:
You and me.

INT. COUNT’S CASTLE - LIBRARY

MIKE:
Peter!

MICKY, MIKE:
He’s gone!

MICKY:
Maybe we make it a duet?

MIKE:
No.

MICKY:
If you get lost, I’ll be a single!

MIKE:
Bl-lu-lum!

MICKY:
♪ Here I come… ♪

MIKE:
Micky…

MICKY:
♪ Walking down the street… ♪

MIKE:
Micky…

MICKY:
♪ I get the funniest looks from ♪
♪ All the people I meet ♪

MIKE:
Micky…

MICKY:
♪ Hey, hey, I’m a Monkee ♪

MIKE:
Micky…

Act Two

INT. COUNT’S CASTLE - HALLWAY

MIKE:
Okay, look. If anything happens, we’ll meet back at the library.

MICKY:
I got an idea. Let’s go back to the pad right now.

MIKE:
Yeah, Micky. Come on… Hey Mick?

MICKY:
Yeah?

MIKE:
Do you hear footsteps?

MICKY:
No, but let’s get out of here, man; this isn’t my kinda house.

MIKE:
Hey, wait a minute. Oooh! A secret door!

MICKY:
A secret door!

MIKE:
Yeah, come on, follow me.

MICKY:
No, I don’t wanna go—Mike! Don’t go in the secret door. It’s—ah, ah, it’s, shouldn’t go in a secret door like that in this weird house. You know, not, no telling what you’ll run into, in this place. You oughta get a hair cut; they won’t let you in Disneyland.

WOLFMAN:
[noises]

MICKY:
Ahh! Ahh!

INT. COUNT’S CASTLE - LIBRARY

MICKY:
Rrrrah! A-ha! A-ha! A-ha! A-HA! Uh! Ohh! Hu! Lorelei! I’m so glad I found you. There’s monsters out there.

LORELEI:
Monsters? What are we going to do?

MICKY:
Well, don’t worry; my middle name is Danger.

WOLFMAN:
[noises]

MICKY:
Ahh! Of course, my last name is Chicken. Ah-heh.

LORELEI:
Ohh, I’ll protect you!

MICKY:
What a kiss! I’ve never felt this way before.

LORELEI:
You fool! It is not my kiss, but the magic necklace!

MICKY:
What a necklace! I’ve never felt this way before.

LORELEI:
Oh, shut up. Wolfman, this one is yours.

INT. COUNT’S CASTLE - HALLWAY

WOLFMAN:
[noises]

INT. COUNT’S CASTLE - UNDERGROUND CRYPT

MIKE:
Ooh, wow! Is it scary down here! Boy, I’m glad you’re with me, Mick. I sure would be scared if I was all alone. Mick? Mick? Oh boy. Micky? Davy? P-Peter?

PETER (V.O.):
Mike?

MIKE:
Eww! Ah, I didn’t, ah, [coughs] I’m s—I’m sorry. Uh, I didn’t know this, uh, this was occupied.

INT. COUNT’S CASTLE - LIBRARY

COUNT:
The monster will live tonight! Now listen, carefully. Here’s what we must do. When the moon is full, we shall take the one called Peter to the underground crypt. There we will also take the monster. Then we shall transfer the brain of the one into the body of the other. And you know what we shall have?

LORELEI:
Peter with a monster’s brain!

COUNT:
Eh, no, you fool, the other way around! The monster in Peter’s brain. No-no no-no no-no. Peter in the monster’s brain. No wait. Peter’s brain in the monster!

MIKE:
Pardon me, do you have an eraser?

COUNT:
Now, the underground crypt at midnight. At the height of the full moon! Beautiful, beautiful! Beautiful, beautiful!

MIKE:
Monster’s brain… underground crypt… at midnight.

INT. COUNT’S CASTLE - UNDERGROUND CRYPT

MICKY:
Well, I’m definitely getting a little nervous.

DAVY:
Me too.

MICKY:
Yeah. They’re gonna turn me into Wolfman.

DAVY:
I don’t know what you’re complaining about. How’d you like to be a bat? All they do is get in people’s hair.

MICKY:
I wonder what it’s gonna be like to be a monster.

DAVY:
Bleh! Bleh! I am Dracula the Bat!

MICKY:
Whoooa! [mumbles]

DAVY:
Hey Micky, can’t you be a little more articulate?

MICKY:
You dare to insult Wolfman? Ahh!

DAVY:
One more word, and I will bite you in the neck.

MICKY:
Oh.

DAVY:
Hey listen, what happens to the girl, you know, in movies, where the girl goes through…

MICKY:
You want a girl?

DAVY:
…and the Dracula man bites her in the neck…

MICKY:
Wait a minute.

DAVY:
Wait, wait.

MICKY:
Wait.

DAVY:
Wait.

MICKY:
Wait.

DAVY:
Wait.

MICKY:
Wait.

DAVY:
Wait.

MICKY:
Ah-wooo! Ah-wooo! Ah-wooo! Ah-ohh!

DAVY:
Oh oh, yeah yeah, yeah yeah, y-yeah yeah.

MICKY:
They don’t call me Wolfman for nothing.

DAVY:
Yeah. Hey, someone’s coming, somebody’s coming.

MICKY:
Don’t be silly; this is a fantasy sequence.

COUNT:
I see you are already dressed.

DAVY:
Well, you know.

COUNT:
Straighten up, Davy Jones; you have much to be proud of.

MICKY:
What are you doing in here? This is our fantasy!

DAVY:
Yeah, yeah, we’re The Monkees! You see, in every show, we do a fantasy sequence where we romp around and jump and do funny things, and, and nobody interrupts us—nobody!

COUNT:
It seems this show is different!

MICKY:
Now, lookit, I’m warning you. Get out of our fantasy!

DAVY:
Ours!

COUNT:
In these fantasies, you say you can do whatever you want. Is that so?

DAVY:
Right?

MICKY:
Right.

DAVY:
Right?

MICKY:
Right.

DAVY:
Right, Micky?

MICKY:
Yeaaah.

COUNT:
Then perhaps you try to take off your monster make-up! Mwa-ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha…

DAVY:
Ha-ha-ha-ha.

MICKY:
Of course I can get the make-up off. I just pull it off and—Make-up? Help me get this mask off and the gloves.

DAVY:
Props? Jack Williams? Make-up? Make-up? Okay, that’s enough. That’s enough.

MICKY:
Cut the scene.

DAVY:
Cut that camera.

MICKY:
Print it, wrap!

DAVY:
We’re through. We’re leaving.

COUNT:
You are wrong, my friends, to think this is fantasy. This is reality. And you are not in charge here. I am! And I control you any time I want to simply by thinking about it. Wolfman! Chain these two up.

WOLFMAN:
[noises]

COUNT:
Lorelei, on to the operation. The fantasy is over. This is for keeps! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha…

DAVY:
Ha-ha-ha.

WOLFMAN:
[noises]

DAVY:
Ah! Ahh!

MICKY:
Oh!

DAVY:
Oh! Down boy, down. Steady, steady. Give him some dog biscuits, Micky.

INT. COUNT’S CASTLE - UNDERGROUND CRYPT

COUNT (V.O.):
Quickly, Wolfman, quickly! This way! Hurry, Wolfman!

MIKE:
Uh, uh, uh, I’m, uh, just going to the next stop!

COUNT:
Hurry! Here we are in my beautiful laboratory in my beautiful castle in the dungeon with the beautiful fake backdrop. Ready to start. There we have Frank and Stein. Little joke. Now we start the surgical transference.

MIKE:
Sorry!

COUNT:
Quick! My assistant! Where is the Mummy Man?

MIKE:
Here I am, Mummy Man!

COUNT:
You are the Mummy Man?

MIKE:
Watch this… MUMMY!

WOLFMAN:
[noises]

MIKE:
See that? Hah, hah. Mummy!

COUNT:
I’ll buy that. Now we begin the operation. This is a scalpel.

MIKE:
No, it’s not.

COUNT:
It’s not?

MIKE:
No, that’s not a scalpel; that’s a bone chisel.

COUNT:
What is it used for?

MIKE:
It’s used to split!

COUNT:
Where are you go?

MIKE:
I’m gonna split. Huh huh huh!

COUNT:
But you didn’t tell me what these were!

INT. COUNT’S CASTLE - UNDERGROUND CRYPT

MICKY:
Mike, Mike, you’ve come to save us! Mike! Thank you, thank you, oh great, Mike!

MIKE:
Ah, no problem. I’ll have you out—you know what? You better get a haircut, man, they won’t let you in Disneyland like that, huh.

MICKY:
Uh…

INT. COUNT’S CASTLE - UNDERGROUND CRYPT

COUNT:
That is a chisel? And all the time I thought that was the—that was no mummy! That was a Monkee!

WOLFMAN:
[noises]

COUNT:
He’s probably gone to free the others!

LORELEI:
But we still control the others!

COUNT:
That’s right! We do control them! With our thought waves! I’ll fix him! Oooh…

INT. COUNT’S CASTLE - UNDERGROUND CRYPT

DAVY:
Oh, thank you, Mike.

MICKY:
Thank you, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that, old buddy.

MIKE:
No problem, no problem. Help each other out. That’s it.

INT. COUNT’S CASTLE - UNDERGROUND CRYPT

COUNT:
Oooh!

INT. COUNT’S CASTLE - UNDERGROUND CRYPT

MICKY:
[noises]

MIKE:
He’s really biting my hand, you know.

DAVY:
That’s no way to show your appreciation to Mike! Micky! Mike—

MIKE:
Yes?

INT. COUNT’S CASTLE - UNDERGROUND CRYPT

COUNT:
Oooh!

INT. COUNT’S CASTLE - UNDERGROUND CRYPT

DAVY:
—I want to drink your blood! Ahh!

INT. COUNT’S CASTLE - UNDERGROUND CRYPT

COUNT:
Oooh! You know, I think we got a hit!

INT. COUNT’S CASTLE - UNDERGROUND CRYPT

MIKE:
Peter! Peter! Hey man, wake up!

INT. COUNT’S CASTLE - UNDERGROUND CRYPT

COUNT:
At least we still have the monster… It’s Peter! He took the wrong monster!

LORELEI:
That means the real monster is with them!

COUNT:
Yes! But he’s lifeless!

LORELEI:
But the energizing switch is here in the crypt, isn’t it?

COUNT:
That’s right! We can bring him back to life from here! You know something? You’re not such a bad kid. Do you realize the last time I did this, New York went out! Let’s see how clever they are with the monster. He don’t monkey around!

“Goin’ Down”

Tag

MIKE:
Well, I read in the book where it said that if the monsters are defeated, they can’t return for a thousand years.

PETER:
Oh yeah? What time is it?

MIKE:
Come on.

DAVY:
Oh, that’s a nice watch, who bought you that?

PETER:
Michael.

MICKY:
And I looked in the book, and the only monsters in there are Frankenstein, Dracula, Wolfman, and the Mummy. So there’s no more monsters as far as I can see.

MIKE:
Right.

PETER:
AHH!

DAVY:
Ohh!

PETER:
AHH! Ah! Look! Look! The, the Invisible Man! The Invisible Man!

MICKY:
No, Peter, Peter, Peter, it’s not the Invisible Man, no, it’s just special effects.

PETER:
Special effects?

MICKY:
There’s wires holding the book up.

DAVY:
Oh.

MIKE:
Here, watch this.

MICKY:
See?

DAVY:
Ohh, ha ha.

PETER:
Oh yeah?

MICKY:
Wires. Little thin black wires.

DAVY:
Ah ha. Let me do that. Let me do it.

MICKY:
Tinsel and fabric.

PETER:
Oh!