“The Monkees in Paris” Script

INT. THE PAD

PETER:
Guys, listen, guys. “We know who you are, so don’t try to deny it. We also know where you live, or else how could we have sent this letter? We’re coming to get you, so don’t leave. This is a threatening letter and a warning. Unless you return the microfilm and get off the ranch, we’ll kill you!”

MICKY:
Don’t worry about it, Peter. There’s nothing in the world could go wrong—

ARTIE:
Rah! Alright, give me the microfilm.

JIM:
Wait, cut.

DAVY:
Oh, man.

JIM:
Guys, wait a minute. Wait, guys, you have to do the scare. The old, the old Monkee—

MICKY:
But it isn’t funny anymore!

JIM:
The old Monkee scare.

MIKE:
What do you mean, Monkee scare, man, that—?

JIM:
Come on, it’s a groovy bit, man. I don’t, let’s do the scare.You know, you go, mm—ahh!

MIKE:
Ahh!

JIM:
That bit, okay? One more time.

DAVY:
Jim…

JIM:
Artie, close the door. Artie, close the door and come through again. Action!

MICKY:
There’s nothing wrong, Peter, just—

ARTIE:
Ah!

MIKE:
Ahh.

JIM:
Cut, cut.

MIKE:
Sixteen shows straight now. Man, I mean, every time we start up a show, you start on the monkey, and you pull back, we’re doing something at the table.

DAVY:
And the scare happens. Tall guy and a sm—

PETER:
Out of a possible eleven shows!

DAVY:
There’s always a tall heavy and a small heavy, man.

JIM:
Man, you’re not being fair.

MIKE:
You see one Monkee episode, you seen all the Monkee episodes, man. It’s all the same.

MICKY:
It isn’t funny anymore!

JIM:
The scare is very funny. Try the scare.

MIKE:
I’m not gonna do it, let’s go.

DAVY:
Oh, Jim, it’s funny to you, because you have—

JIM:
Well, how do you think I feel—

DAVY:
It’s not funny.

JIM:
I have to direct the same show every—

DAVY:
Let’s split.

MIKE:
Let’s go, let’s take, we’re gonna take a vacation—

JIM:
Yeah, right.

MIKE:
—and you work the show out—

MICKY:
Right.

MIKE:
—because we’re not gonna be here anymore.

MICKY:
Where should we go, guys?

MIKE:
We’ll see you later.

DAVY:
Blblblbllll!

MICKY:
We’ll go to, uh…

PETER:
Uh… Paris. Paris!

DAVY:
Oh!

PETER:
We’re going to Paris! Paris!

MICKY:
Here we come, Paris!

JIM:
Fellas. Ey, ey, come on, guys, what is this? I mean, you got sixty guys on the set, Artie. Boys! Uh, let’s come in for a close-up on the monkey, alright?

EXT. AIRPORT

MAN (V.O.):
Flight forty-one, now arriving in Paris.

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

EXT. PARIS

GIRL (V.O.):
It’s the Monkees!

GIRL (V.O.):
Ohh!

GIRL (V.O.):
Ahh!

DAVY (V.O.):
Ahh!

“Love Is Only Sleeping”

INT. THE PAD

JIM:
I’m sorry. Eh, Bob? Man, they just walked off the set. I don’t know where they went, they said they were going to Paris. Uh, that isn’t my responsibility, man, I’m not a babysitter, you know what I mean? Look, how do I know what to put on the air? Put on a half hour of commercials, like The Johnny Carson Show. Or better yet, why don’t you put on another Monkees segment, I mean they’re all the same.

BOB (V.O.):
[yells]

JIM:
Look, I, I saved it for you though, babe. I got a nice, tight close-up of the monkey.

BOB (V.O.):
[yells]

JIM:
Ha ha ha, very funny.

EXT. PARIS

“Don’t Call On Me”

“Star Collector”

“Goin’ Down”

“Don’t Call On Me”

INT. THE PAD

JIM:
Now Artie, I’ve changed the concept completely. No mustache, no foreign accent, and this time, instead of coming in and asking for the microfilm, you ask for the secret apple!

ARTIE:
Huh, so what’s the difference in the script?

JIM:
Don’t get smart.

INT. THE PAD

PETER:
Listen!

MICKY:
Ahh!

PETER:
Guys, guys, listen! “We know who you are, so don’t try to deny it. We also know where you live, or else how could we have sent this letter?”

MIKE:
Wait.

PETER:
“We’re coming to get you, so don’t leave.”

MIKE:
Wait.

PETER:
“This is a threatening letter and a warning.”

MIKE:
Peter—

PETER:
“Unless you return the secret apple and get off the base, we’ll kill you!”

MICKY:
Go on, Peter, there’s nothing wrong.

ARTIE:
Ah!

MIKE:
But this is the same thing that—

ARTIE:
Alright, you guys, give me the secret apple.

MIKE:
Jim?

JIM:
Hey, wait a minute, man. Cut, just a second. Guys!

DAVY:
Jim, what kind of story is this? A secret apple?

MICKY:
It’s the same thing!

MIKE:
We just got back, we went on a vacation, we wanted to get away from this stuff, and we come back, and you give us exactly the same thing—

PETER:
And what’s this? What’s with this? What’s with this?

JIM:
It is not exactly the same thing.

PETER:
Lookit, with a gun, lookit, lookit.

JIM:
It is not—

PETER:
Violence on the show?

JIM:
Guys, it isn’t the same thing, he—

PETER:
Every time we turn around, somebody’s got a gun.

JIM:
Please, would you listen? He does, he doesn’t have a mustache, he’s not using an accent, and it’s not the microfilm, it’s the secret apple.

DAVY:
Yeah, when’s the little short guy gonna come in, right? When’s the tough little… the story, Jim, it’s the same on every show we do, man.

MICKY:
It’s the same show!

MIKE:
And it’s terrible, you can’t do that—

DAVY:
It’s the same story and they change it around.

MICKY:
We’ll see you next week, kids.

MIKE:
Yeah, we’ll think of something by then.

MICKY:
Yeah.

DAVY:
It’s… a drag.

JIM:
Okay, let’s come in for a nice, tight close-up on the monkey.