“Alias Micky Dolenz” Script

EXT. PARKING LOT

TONY:
It’s you!

MICKY:
Huh? Oh, yeah, it’s me alright, huh.

TONY:
Well, when did you get out?

MICKY:
About twenty minutes ago. I thought it was gonna be such a groovy day, I’d take a little drive—

TONY:
No, no, no! Don’t come any closer.

MICKY:
Uh, what’s the matter? Did I say something wrong?

TONY:
No, no, just don’t touch me.

MICKY:
Hey, what’s the matter with you?

TONY:
Look, I’m sorry!

MICKY:
Hey!

TONY:
I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!

MICKY:
Alright. I believe you.

TONY:
I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Honest, I’m sorry! I’m really sorry!

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

EXT. POLICE STATION

MIKE:
Micky, you gotta go in there and report this. Look. What are you gonna do, promote violence on the street?

MICKY:
He didn’t mean any harm. What violence? He’s just a typical psychopathic killer.

MIKE:
Yeah, I’m sure. Micky.

MICKY:
Come on.

MIKE:
Look, will you please get in here?

INT. POLICE STATION

MICKY:
Hello, sir. I, uh.

CAPTAIN:
It’s you. It’s him! Watch out!

MICKY:
Here we go again. Look, I’ve just come in to report a beating.

CAPTAIN:
Did you kill him?

MICKY:
I didn’t do the beating!

CAPTAIN:
Oh, believe me, I’m sorry.

MICKY:
No, it’s okay. I don’t think I can take any more apologies.

MIKE:
Wh-wh-would you, hold it! Both of you, please. This is Micky Dolenz of The Monkees. Thank you.

CAPTAIN:
You mean you’re not Baby Face?

MICKY:
Baby—? Well, my mother used to call me goo-goo eyes. Ah.

CAPTAIN:
Now, then, let’s get down to cases. Take a look at that face.

MIKE:
Yuck! Uh. Ugly! Oh, that guy is ugly!

CAPTAIN:
You know who that is?

MICKY:
Well, whoever he is, he’s a sneaky, vicious, mean type looking person.

MIKE:
Vicious, sneaky, ooh.

MICKY:
Why, that, that’s me. Heh. That honest looking, handsome faced guy is me, aheh.

MIKE:
Well, that’s a very flattering picture.

CAPTAIN:
That happens to be Baby Face Morales, the most vicious killer in America.

MICKY:
You’re kidding.

CAPTAIN:
We got him, but we didn’t get his mob, and we didn’t recover the loot.

MICKY:
What-where do, where do I come in?

CAPTAIN:
We want you to get the hoods and come back with the goods.

MICKY:
Oh, you want me to get the hoods and the goods.

CAPTAIN:
No, no, no.

MICKY:
Get the goods on the hoods.

CAPTAIN:
We want you to get the goods and the hoods.

MICKY:
Oh, I see. They want, they want me to get the goods and the hoods—

MIKE:
No, no, no, no, no, no. He said, “Get the goods with the hoods”. You first take the foot and the goods.

MICKY:
The hoods and the goods.

MIKE:
The goods and the hoods on the rood.

CAPTAIN:
Enough! All I want you to do is impersonate Baby Face. Now, we’ll send out an announcement that he escaped from prison.

MICKY:
Enough! What, what, impersonating a gangster? I can’t do that.

CAPTAIN:
Well, gangsters are just like ordinary people… with Tommy guns.

MIKE:
Don’t do it. You’ve got to get killed.

MICKY:
Right.

CAPTAIN:
Okay, but be careful. Baby Face got a lot of enemies on the outside, and a guy with a face like yours could get hurt.

MICKY:
Don’t be silly. Heh. I’m not gonna get hurt; I’m too careful.

INT. POLICE STATION

MICKY:
When do we start?

CAPTAIN:
Now, before you contact Baby Face’s gang, you’ve got to learn all his mannerisms.

MICKY:
Who can teach me that?

INT. JAIL

BABY FACE:
Hey, haven’t I seen you somewhere before? Hey, wait, I know; you look like me. Sneaky and vicious.

MICKY:
I’m, uh, your cousin Micky from Sandusky, Ohio.

BABY FACE:
I’ve been kinda out of touch with the family. Sit down.

MICKY:
You know, I’ve, I’ve followed your exploits, Baby Face, and I, and I’ve tried to model myself after you, like the way you walk, for instance. [demonstrates walk]

BABY FACE:
Hey, cool it. That’s not the way I walk. My walk is, uh, more like this. [demonstrates walk] Got it?

MICKY:
Okay, let me try, Baby Face.

BABY FACE:
Uh, it’s pretty good.

MICKY:
You know, uh, I’d, uh, I’d also like to learn how you talk.

BABY FACE:
Can’t, uh, can’t expect no miracles, heh.

MICKY:
What kind of expressions do you use if you’re, if you’re being rough to somebody?

BABY FACE:
Oh, if I get a sort of guy I don’t like, I, uh, first, I, uh, grab him by the shirt, then I look him in the eye, and I say, uh, “So’s your old man”.

MICKY:
So’s your old man.

BABY FACE:
Get lost!

MICKY:
Get lost.

BABY FACE:
Hey, you’re pretty good.

MICKY:
Hey, you’re pretty good.

BABY FACE:
Okay, okay.

MICKY:
Okay, okay.

BABY FACE:
Shut up, you got it already!

MICKY:
Um, I-I’ll try to be exactly like you, Baby Face, now, and you tell me if I do anything wrong. Okay, big man. Now you’re asking for it. Here’s what happens when somebody double-crosses Baby Face. [slaps Baby Face] Oh. I’m sorry, Baby Face. Guess I kinda got carried away.

BABY FACE:
No, cousin. Now you’re gonna get carried away.

MICKY:
G-guard! Help! Wait, no! I’m your cousin, Micky from—Guard! Guard, help!

INT. POLICE STATION

CAPTAIN:
Now first, you’ll go to the Purple Pelican where you contact one of Baby Face’s friends, and he’ll take you to the gang’s hideout.

MICKY:
Well, how will I recognize his friends?

CAPTAIN:
Don’t worry, they’ll probably recognize you. Now it’ll be one of these people. Now this is Tony Ferano, alias Big Tony, alias Tony the Rock, alias Tony the Slasher, alias Kissing Clyde.

MICKY:
Kissing Clyde?

CAPTAIN:
In Detroit, he committed extortion, illegal entry, and headed up the numbers racket there. Then he quit the police department and joined up with Baby Face.

MICKY:
He sounds like a tough customer.

CAPTAIN:
Now, this is Mugsy Ruckyzer alias Mugsy Ruck, Mugsy Reynolds, Mugsy Raymond, and Sherry Fingerhead.

MICKY:
Sherry Fingerhead?

CAPTAIN:
In Detroit, he was tried on charges of arson, assault with a deadly weapon, and second degree murder.

MICKY:
Phew. Was he ever convicted?

CAPTAIN:
Contempt of court. Well, good luck, Dolenz, and good hunting.

INT. THE PURPLE PELICAN

RUBY:
Baby Face, aren’t you gonna give your Ruby a great big kiss? Not your ring. I mean me.

MICKY:
Cool it, baby; my porcelain crowns.

RUBY:
Baby Face, kiss me like you used to.

MICKY:
Mm! Well, I guess that’s the, uh, old Baby Face. Ruby, I trust you. I trust you more than anybody else in this whole rotten town.

RUBY:
What’s the matter, Baby Face?

MICKY:
Can I trust you?

RUBY:
Sure.

MICKY:
I’m hot, Ruby. I gotta round up the boys and pick up the ice.

RUBY:
Gee, I don’t know, Baby Face. Tony is top dog now, and he may not want to give you your split.

MICKY:
He’ll give me my split. I got a little book with names and dates in it. It’s in a locker down at the bus depot. Here’s the key. Put it in a safe place. I said a safe place, Ruby. Where do I find Tony and the boys?

RUBY:
They’re right behind you.

MICKY:
Came for my cut, Tony.

TONY:
It’s no good, Baby Face; you’re a has been.

MICKY:
No, Tony, I was a has been. Now I’m an am is!

TONY:
Take him!

“The Kind of Girl I Could Love”

MICKY:
Alright. You guys had enough?

TONY:
You’re the boss, Baby Face.

MICKY:
Alright, I’ll meet you in the back room. Get going.

INT. THE PURPLE PELICAN - BACK ROOM

MUGSY:
When did you get out, Baby Face?

MICKY:
Busted out yesterday. It was a clean break.

TONY:
Didn’t they spot you with their search lights?

MICKY:
Nah, I fixed it so their search lights was useless.

MUGSY:
How did you do that?

MICKY:
Busted out in the daytime.

TONY:
You know, Baby Face, there been some changes since you’ve been away.

MICKY:
Change ’em back. Don’t worry; I got plenty more. We pick up the Dewitt diamonds tomorrow night.

TONY:
Right.

MICKY:
Split ’em up.

TONY:
Right.

MICKY:
Then we go undercover.

TONY:
Right. [Micky slaps Tony] I said, “Right”.

MICKY:
You didn’t say it fast enough, Tony. It’s all set. We make the pick up tomorrow night.

MUGSY:
Right. [Micky slaps Mugsy]

MICKY:
Tony says, “Right”. Now I’m gonna go, uh, get a few specialists to help us, and we’ll meet here tomorrow night before the pickup.

MUGSY:
Why don’t we meet at the place?

MICKY:
Yeah, sure. The place.

TONY:
You do remember the place we stashed the ice, don’t you, Baby Face?

MICKY:
Sure, I remember the place. Heh. Know that place as well as I know my own, uh, name.

MUGSY:
Baby Face!

MICKY:
Yeah, Baby Face. That’s it! Ha ha! Baby Face, right. That’s my name. And we meet here. Got it? Got it?

TONY:
There’s something fishy going on here; I think we better tail him.

GANGSTER:
Right. [Musgy slaps Gangster]

MUGSY:
Tony says, “Right”.

INT. THE PAD

MICKY [on the phone]:
Okay, it’s all set then, captain; you’ll have those two specialists there tomorrow night at midnight to meet me. Okay.

[Micky hangs up.]

PETER:
Hey, man, what do you need police specialists for? We’ll go with you.

MIKE:
Yeah.

MICKY:
Hey, I can’t take a chance you guys getting hurt, you know. I got myself into this, I’m gonna get myself out, I hope. I’m gonna go think about it. Boy, that Tony is really a killer. He’s a dirty, sadistic rat, and he’s full of hate and malice and—hi, Tony.

TONY:
I decided since you’re hot, we better pick up the stuff tonight.

MICKY:
Uh, I, uh, decided we were gonna pick up the stuff tomorrow night, and, uh, I, uh, what I say goes ’cause I’m the boss, and there ain’t anything you can say or do that’s gonna change that.

TONY:
We pick it up tonight.

MICKY:
I’ll get my coat.

TONY:
You two the specialists?

MIKE:
Absolutely.

INT. POLICE STATION

CAPTAIN:
Eh, he doesn’t answer. I just wish there was some way of telling that poor devil that the real Baby Face just escaped from prison.

INT. THE PURPLE PELICAN

RUBY:
Baby Face, you’re back.

BABY FACE:
Yeah, I busted out.

RUBY:
I know; you told me.

BABY FACE:
Huh? Cool it, baby; my porcelain crowns.

RUBY:
That’s my old Baby Face. Say, shouldn’t you be out with Tony picking up the diamonds?

BABY FACE:
Tony’s picking up the diamonds?

RUBY:
Uh-huh. But I thought—

INT. DEWITT HOUSE

MICKY:
Uh, cool it, Vince, baby, cool it.

MUGSY:
There it is, the fireplace.

MICKY:
Yeah, yeah. The fireplace.

MUGSY:
Hey, that was sure brilliant, hiding the loot in the same room we stole it from, huh? They’d never think of looking for it here. Ha! Really. Now which stone was it?

MICKY:
Well, uh, all the stones look alike to me. Been in prison for a long time, you, uh, forget kinda things.

MUGSY:
Think, Baby Face, think.

MICKY:
I always think.

MIKE:
There is no need to worry; Baby Face thinks of everything. That’s why he bought us two specialists with him.

MICKY:
I did? I di—I did. Heh. Specialists, yeah. I was thinking.

MIKE:
Furthermore, uh, we’re gonna take these few charges here and set ’em around the fireplace and then… boom! Really go, and be a lot of rubble and diamonds in a rubble, and you don’t have to worry about stones.

MUGSY:
Oh. Let’s get out of here.

MIKE:
??? Wire, have a wire here. Wire. Bang-o! Here I go, pulling it up at the top there, buddy. Wing it around here and drop the, put the charges, and we’ll just blow everything up. A hiccup. Okay. I’m gonna stand outside here. This is for you, Dale. Have us a little fun time here. Set this up. Gotta be careful. Don’t want it to go off. We’ll pick them diamonds right out of the rubble. I think we did rather well for ourselves.

TONY:
Baby Face, these experts of yours stink. Here, Vince, better take that fireplace apart stone by stone.

PATROLMAN:
Excuse me.

MIKE:
Uh, oh. Micky, you can—Hi!

PATROLMAN:
Hi, I saw the lights on here, and, uh, you, uh, you know, the, uh, Dewitt’s are abroad, and there isn’t supposed to be anybody here.

MIKE:
Yeah, oh, I know that. I know that.

PATROLMAN:
You know, every time I see a house with, uh, with lights on,s and there’s, uh, not supposed to be anybody here, it means one thing to me.

MIKE:
Yes, yes, mm-hm?

PATROLMAN:
Got these tickets here for the policeman’s ball; they’re three bucks a piece and twenty for the batch.

MIKE:
Yeah, I want a whole batch.

PATROLMAN:
Oh, great. Hey, I’m glad I got you in.

MIKE:
Thanks a lot.

TONY:
Come on, we don’t have much time.

MUGSY:
I got it! Here it is!

TONY:
Get it out!

BABY FACE:
Yeah, there it is, Tony.

TONY:
Baby Face!

MICKY:
Yeah, Tony.

TONY:
Baby Face?

MICKY:
Hey, would you mind keeping the door shut? There’s a draft in here. You! Uh. You, uh, dirty, sneaky, rotten lousy, vicious face.

TONY:
Wait a minute. There’s only one Baby Face; the other guy’s an impostor.

MICKY:
You guessed it, Tony. There’s your impostor.

BABY FACE:
He’s a dirty, rotten liar. I’m the real Baby Face; I can prove it to you. Just, uh, ask me about some of the jobs we pulled together.

TONY:
Who drove the getaway car on the Siemens Bank job?

BABY FACE:
Steve Blauner.

MICKY:
Steve Blauner.

TONY:
What was the one thing Steve did wrong when he drove away the getaway car?

MICKY:
Hit a cop.

BABY FACE:
Hey, that was in the papers!

PETER:
He’s got you there, Micky.

MIKE:
Oh!

???:
Micky!

CAPTAIN:
Well, you got the situation under control. Okay, get these jokers outta here.

MICKY:
??? The Avengers ???

CAPTAIN:
Well, boys, you did a great job; you recovered all the loot for what was probably the greatest jewel robbery in history.

MICKY:
Gosharooney!

CAPTAIN:
And it’s my pleasure to give you a share of the jewels as your reward.

MICKY:
Wow!

MIKE:
I always wanted a necklace, man. Look at that.

MICKY:
W-what am I gonna do with an earring?

INT. POLICE STATION

CAPTAIN:
So when the patrolman reported in and said there were people in the Dewitt house, we thought we’d better take a look.

MIKE:
Oh, well, I’m glad you did.

CAPTAIN:
Yeah, we got the whole gang, and we got the loot.

MIKE:
Good.

CAPTAIN:
There’s only one loose end.

MIKE:
What?

MICKY:
Look, can’t you recognize me? I’m Micky Dolenz. He’s nothing but a dirty, lousy, rotten—

BABY FACE:
You stay there or I’ll punch you in the mouth.

MICKY:
You punch me in the mouth, and I’ll kick you in the head.

BABY FACE:
I’m the real Micky Dolenz.

MICKY:
I’m Micky Dolenz. Really, look, he’s not Micky Dolenz! He’s not the—

“Mary, Mary”

INT. SET

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Hey, Davy.

DAVY:
What?

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
You, uh, were gone altogether from this episode. You weren’t in it. Where were ya?

DAVY:
“Alias Micky Dolenz”?

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Yeah.

DAVY:
Uh, I went to England. To, I—went to England to my sister’s wedding actually, and, I, um, I missed it; I was two days too soon.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
You miss England a lot?

DAVY:
Uh, yeah, I do. I miss England, but we’re gonna, you know, I, I was only home two months ago. I’m going home again for a couple of days. So if I can keep doing that—

??? (O.S.):
Peter!

DAVY:
That was Peter. That’s, uh—You know, I don’t get homesick. I’ve been traveling for six and a half years now, since I was fourteen.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Hey, Davy, tell me more about the pressure that builds up at the end of a day.

DAVY:
Well, everybody’s tired, and they get irritable, you know, and everybody starts getting mad, and, you know, everybody wants to go home, man. It’s a drag, sitting here talking to you.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Okay, babe. Good night, Davy!