“The Chaperone” Script

Teaser

EXT. VANDENBERG HOUSE

MIKE:
Is that her?

MICKY:
Uh-huh. Davy, you mooned over that girl long enough. It’s time you took the initiative.

PETER:
Go to it, David.

DAVY:
Are you sure?

PETER:
Uh-huh.

MICKY:
Yeah. We’re with you, baby.

PETER:
Wail, Davy.

DAVY:
Uh, pardon me, miss, uh. I’m from the TV poll taking service. I was wondering, uh, what TV program are you watching?

LESLIE:
Well, I’m not watching any TV program.

DAVY:
You’re not?

LESLIE:
I don’t watch television until the evening.

DAVY:
Uh, okay. Uh, I’ll be back later. Will you tell your mother I like roast beef and Yorkshire pudding?

VANDENBERG:
Leslie, we’re waiting for you.

LESLIE:
I-I’ll be right in. My father—he’s very authoritarian.

DAVY:
Well, nobody’s perfect.

MICKY:
Uh, heh. That’s cute. Come on!

MIKE:
How’d you make out?

MICKY:
Did the, uh, poll TV thing work?

DAVY:
She’s divine, lovely, beautiful, devoon, marvelous.

PETER:
Come on, Davy, quit fooling around; what TV show was she watching?

MICKY:
Ours, I hope.

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

Act One

EXT. VANDENBERG HOUSE

MIKE:
Well, I didn’t know she’s so little. Oh.

VANDENBERG:
Yes?

DAVY:
Oh, hello. Um, I’m selling magazine subscriptions.

VANDENBERG:
Oh, working your way through college, eh?

DAVY:
No, I’m working my way down the block, uh. Is your daughter home?

VANDENBERG:
I buy the magazines in this house, and I’m not interested in any new ones.

DAVY:
Oh! Well, that’s different, ’cause these aren’t new ones.

VANDENBERG:
Mmm?

DAVY:
These are old issues. Now, look. Popular Machines. Now, this magazine shows you how to invent the wheel, right here. See this? Uh, excuse me. Oh, thank you.

EXT. VANDENBERG HOUSE

VANDENBERG:
Yes?

MICKY:
Uh, we’ve come to inspect your bomb shelter.

VANDENBERG:
W-what bomb shelter? I don’t have any bomb shelter.

MICKY:
Oh, you don’t want to share with your neighbors, huh?

VANDENBERG:
Young man, I’ll have you know I was a general in the last war.

DAVY:
You were?

VANDENBERG:
Well, it was a long time ago. I’ve put all that military nonsense behind me now.

DAVY:
Oh, I see.

VANDENBERG:
Stand at attention when you’re addressing me! Hm. Dismissed!

MICKY:
Wonder which side he was on.

CYNTHIA:
Hi! I’m Cynthia. I’m staying with Leslie while we’re home on vacation.

DAVY:
I envy you.

CYNTHIA:
And I admire your persistence, but you’re wasting your time; Mr. Vandenberg runs this place like an army camp.

DAVY:
Sure, but could you tell me one thing?

CYNTHIA:
I have to go; I’m late for mess.

DAVY:
Surely Leslie goes out sometimes.

CYNTHIA:
Only to chaperoned parties.

DAVY, MICKY:
Chaperoned parties. Chaperoned parties!

INT. THE PAD

MICKY [on the phone]:
Hello? General Vandenberg? Colonel Dolenz here. How are you?

INT. VANDENBERG HOUSE

VANDENBERG [on the phone]:
Dolenz?

INT. THE PAD

MICKY [on the phone]:
Dodo Dolenz, you remember? We fought at…

INT. VANDENBERG HOUSE

MICKY (V.O.):
…Normandy, Salerno…

INT. THE PAD

MICKY [on the phone]:
…and the Battle of the Bulge. What do you mean, you don’t remember? Everyone remembers the Battle of the Bulge! Oh, it’s me you don’t remember.

INT. VANDENBERG HOUSE

VANDENBERG [on the phone]:
Dolenz? Oh, yes. Well, uh, how are you, Dodo, old man?

MICKY (V.O.):
Fine, fine…

INT. THE PAD

MICKY [on the phone]:
…fine, fine. Listen, Vandy, old boy. My son, Micky, is grown up now, giving sort of a bash. You know, twisting, frugging, cha-cha-cha, all that sort of rot. Ah ha ha.

INT. VANDENBERG HOUSE

MICKY (V.O.):
Yes, and, uh, all the military families will be represented.

INT. THE PAD

MICKY [on the phone]:
I remember you had a daughter, Hettie.

INT. VANDENBERG HOUSE

VANDENBERG:
Leslie.

INT. THE PAD

MICKY [on the phone]:
Oh, yes, Le-Leslie. Why don’t you send Tessie…

INT. VANDENBERG HOUSE

MICKY (V.O.):
…along?

VANDENBERG [on the phone]:
Leslie!

INT. THE PAD

MICKY [on the phone]:
Yes, Leslie, I know. Um, the party will be chaperoned, of course. And, uh… what?

INT. VANDENBERG HOUSE

VANDENBERG [on the phone]:
She has a friend staying with her.

INT. THE PAD

MICKY [on the phone]:
Her friend. Well, uh, is she of military family? Custer’s grandniece?

INT. VANDENBERG HOUSE

MICKY (V.O.):
Well, I suppose that’ll be alright, heh. There won’t be any Indians here, a-ha ha ha ha.

INT. THE PAD

MICKY [on the phone]:
Ta-ta, old man.

MICKY:
We’re gonna have a party. Let’s get the place decorated!

“This Just Doesn’t Seem to Be My Day”

INT. THE PAD

DAVY:
Blah, blah, blah!

MICKY:
Mmm, up balloons.

MIKE:
Up balloons. Go, go! Sky high.

MICKY:
There we go.

DAVY:
Now, this is all very well, but what about a chaperone?

MIKE:
Will you please relax? There he is now.

DAVY:
Our landlord?

BABBIT:
Alright. What do you want?

MIKE:
Well, um, Mr. Babbit, we’re having a party, uh, tonight, and, um, and what we needed was a chaperone.

BABBIT:
Why, of course. You boys know your landlord understands problems of youth.

DAVY:
Oh, Mr. Babbit!

MICKY:
Thank you, Mr. Babbit.

BABBIT:
Oh, of course. Now, how long do you figure this party’s gonna last?

PETER:
Four hours?

BABBIT:
About four hours?

DAVY:
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

MICKY:
About four hours, yeah.

BABBIT:
Let me see, now. Four hours. That’s, uh, four hours, two dollars an hour.

MIKE:
What?

BABBIT:
And then there’s time and a half for overtime. That’s natural, you understand? Two dollar checking charge for coats and hats, all kinds of things.

DAVY:
Uh, uh.

MICKY:
Thanks a lot.

DAVY:
Taxi for Mr. Babbit, please, somebody. Thank you.

BABBIT:
And I’ll bring the pretzels, ’cause that’s part of it.

DAVY:
Yeah. Okay, bye-bye.

PETER:
Bye-bye.

MICKY:
Right. Yeah.

MIKE:
???

DAVY:
What we gonna do about a chaperone?

WEEFERS:
Hello, boys.

DAVY:
Oh, hello, Mrs. Weefers. Is this your day to clean?

WEEFERS:
Of course, you remember. Second Tuesday of every month with an R in it.

DAVY:
That’s right.

WEEFERS:
Of course, I’d been here earlier, only I had to clean up after a cocktail party.

DAVY:
Oh, was there a lot to clean up?

WEEFERS:
Only about half a quart. Dear, you look blue.

DAVY:
We need a chaperone.

INT. THE PAD

DAVY:
The dance in France is mainly in the stance.

WEEFERS:
Oh, Davy, I don’t know how to behave at them fancy parties.

DAVY:
I tell you, Peter, give me six months, and I could pass her off as a duchess at an embassy ball.

PETER:
Uh, how about at the party, tonight?

DAVY:
Well, that’d be a little harder.

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
First thing you do is you put your fingers like that, and then you stick out your pinky. Innit that nice? Okay, so now you do it. Oh, yeah, right. Mm-hm. Put your pinky—

WEEFERS:
Ooh! Look what Peter’s doing over there!

MIKE:
Where? What? What? Where? Where? What are you—

WEEFERS:
That’s what I call fruit punch.

INT. THE PAD - UPSTAIRS BEDROOM

PETER:
Now, for diction. The idea is to put as many of these marbles in your mouth as you can and still be clearly…

WEEFERS:
What’s that?

PETER:
…understood.

MIKE:
Are you getting through to her?

PETER:
[mumbles]

MIKE:
Ah, good.

INT. THE PAD - UPSTAIRS BEDROOM

DAVY:
Huntington Hartford hates pickled herrings. Now, you try it.

WEEFERS:
Huntington Hartford hates pickled herrings.

INT. THE PAD - UPSTAIRS BEDROOM

MICKY:
Most of the guys are here. We’re gonna get you in your clothes now. Mrs. Weefers?

DAVY:
Mrs. Weefers! Wake up, come on.

MICKY:
Mrs. Weefers?

DAVY:
Please! She’s stoned.

MIKE:
Drunk.

DAVY:
What are we going to do about the chaperone? Vandenberg’ll be here any minute!

MICKY:
Well, let’s get her on the bed or something. That’s it, hang her over the edge. Careful.

MICKY:
Mrs. Weefers? Mrs. Weefers?

DAVY:
Mrs. Weefers, please, hurry up. Come on!

MICKY:
Uh, the door! Uh, get—answer it. I’ll try to revive her. Or something. Miss Weefers?

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
Oh, hello there, General Vandenberg. It’s nice that you could bring the, uh, ladies by, and we’ll take their coats, and you—

VANDENBERG:
Just a moment. These girls aren’t staying at this party without a chaperone.

DAVY:
Well, you see, um…

MIKE:
Well, actually…

VANDENBERG:
Where is the chaperone?

MIKE:
Um, we, we planned a, uh…

DAVY:
Who’s tha—

PETER:
Micky!

MIKE:
Shh!

MICKY:
Good evening, General Vandenberg. How nice of you to come.

Act Two

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
Pete, why don’t you take the girls and show them where you’re going to put the sweaters? Uh, General Vandenberg, we’d like you to meet our chaperone. This is Mrs… Arcadian. Uh, she’s one of the first families of Philadelphia.

VANDENBERG:
Oh-ho?

MICKY:
Mm.

MIKE:
Uh-huh.

MICKY:
As you go into town, my house is the first house on the right.

VANDENBERG:
That’s very good.

MIKE:
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

MICKY:
As you’re leaving town, it’s the last house on the left.

VANDENBERG:
Ha ha!

DAVY:
Well, I guess you’ll have to be going now.

MIKE:
Yeah—

VANDENBERG:
What’s the hurry? The evening is young.

MIKE:
Uh, well, uh, in that case, why don’t you two just sit over there in the loveseat?

VANDENBERG:
Oh, good.

MIKE:
We’ll get you some punch.

MICKY:
Uh, just a moment, I’ll help the boys pour. You, uh, go over there and wait in the loveseat.

VANDENBERG:
Alright.

MICKY:
I thought he’d see the chaperone and leave.

MIKE:
Eh, so he stays a few minutes; he’ll be gone in a minute.

MICKY:
A few minutes? Man, he’s starting to get serious.

DAVY:
Look, Micky, will you calm down?

MICKY:
Calm down? How can I calm down?

DAVY:
He’ll be gone any minute. Hey, Micky. You’re lovely.

VANDENBERG:
Heh heh.

MICKY:
Heh heh.

VANDENBERG:
You know, I can’t help thinking I know you from some place.

MICKY:
Have you ever been to Palm Beach?

VANDENBERG:
Yes!

MICKY:
Is it nice?

VANDENBERG:
Heh heh.

MICKY:
Heh heh.

PETER:
Why so glum? This is a party.

MAN-SEEKING PARTY GUEST:
Look at them. They’re all children! I want a real man. Someone who will sweep me off my feet.

TARZAN:
Ahh!

MAN-SEEKING PARTY GUEST:
Ahh!

PETER:
He gets more girls that way.

VANDENBERG:
Well, I’m sure I’ve seen you somewhere before.

MICKY:
Have you ever been to jail?

MIKE:
He’s a good sport.

MICKY:
Excuse me a minute.

ADVICE-SEEKING PARTY GUEST:
Mr. Schneider, do you think that teenagers should neck?

MR. SCHNEIDER:
No, I do not.

ADVICE-SEEKING PARTY GUEST:
I agree with you, but my husband’s getting very impatient.

MICKY:
Why don’t we all dance? After all, the boys play so poorly. Come on, boys, and play poorly. Be right back.

“Take a Giant Step”

INT. THE PAD

VANDENBERG:
Thank you, my dear.

MICKY:
Oh! Heh heh. My late husband won a ribbon like this for doing something to help shorten the war.

VANDENBERG:
Oh? What did he do?

MICKY:
He deserted. I’ve had it. I’m through!

MIKE:
Oh, man, keep your dress on. What’s the matter?

MICKY:
He’s getting fresh!

MIKE:
Okay, so he’s getting fresh. It’s for a pal, anyway. Davy’s in love with his daughter.

MICKY:
Yeah, and I’m gonna be his mother-in-law.

MIKE:
If you play your cards right.

MICKY:
Oh, here he comes.

MIKE:
Excuse me.

VANDENBERG:
Uh, where’s she going?

MIKE:
I give up, where?

DAVY:
Come on, Mike.

MIKE:
What?

DAVY:
We’ve got to get him out of there.

MIKE:
Okay.

DAVY:
Come on. Excuse me.

VANDENBERG:
Hm?

DAVY:
Come on, Micky.

MICKY:
???, he’s still out there.

VANDENBERG:
Ah, there you are, ha ha ha.

MICKY:
Oh, the door. Must answer the door. Can’t keep someone standing at the door, heh heh. Ah.

VANDENBERG:
Who was that?

MICKY:
Uh, nobody, nobody.

BABBIT:
I brought my own pretzels, and—hi, I’m the boys’ landlord. The name is Babbit.

VANDENBERG:
Uh, Harley Vandenberg. This is Mrs. Arcadian, the chaperone.

MICKY:
Uh-huh.

BABBIT:
Charmed. Would you mind getting us both some drinks? Tell me, ha ha ha, how much you getting for this? You know, if I knew you were coming, I’d have paid them.

MICKY:
Oh, you sweet man.

BABBIT:
Say, tell me, uh, how do you, how do you like this apartment? You know, I could kick the boys out.

MICKY:
Oh, I couldn’t stand living in a place like this, heh. And you really wouldn’t want to do that to the boys. Why, they think the world of you. Well, they were just talking about you before you came in.

BABBIT:
Really?

MICKY:
Yes. What’s a bloodsucker?

LESLIE:
Mrs. Arcadian sounds like a really strange woman.

DAVY:
She ought to be; she’s my roommate, Micky.

LESLIE:
What?

DAVY:
Yeah. Our regular chaperone conked out, so Micky had to take her place.

LESLIE:
All night long, my father’s been…

DAVY:
Ha ha ha ha!

LESLIE:
Ha ha ha ha!

VANDENBERG:
You. Ten-hut. Right face. Your other right, knucklehead. Forward march. Hup, two, three, four. Hup, two, three, four. Hup, halt, one, two. Ten-hut. You two, fall in. Unscramble… march. Hup, two, three, four. Hup, two, three, four. Halt, one, two. Parade rest. And stay there.

MICKY:
What’s going on?

MIKE:
???

MICKY:
What’s happening?

VANDENBERG:
Hup, two, three, four. Hup, two, three, four.

PETER:
Hey.

VANDENBERG:
Hup, two, three, four. Hup, two, three, four. Hup, two, three, four.

PETER:
Hey.

VANDENBERG:
Hup, two, three, four.

MICKY:
I think something is wrong.

VANDENBERG:
Hup, two, three, four. Hup, two, three, four. Hup, two, three, four.

PETER:
You don’t have to go.

VANDENBERG:
Hup, two, three, four.

MICKY:
Bye.

MIKE:
Bye.

VANDENBERG:
Hup, two, three, four. Hup, two, three, four. Hup, two, three, four.

MIKE:
Hey.

VANDENBERG:
Hup, two, three, four.

DAVY:
Uh, is anything the matter, Mr. Vandenberg?

VANDENBERG:
Oh, no, no. There’s nothing the matter. On the contrary, everything’s wonderful. I want you to be the first to know Mrs. Arcadian has just consented to be my wife.

DAVY:
Oh.

MICKY:
Huh? Oh, Harley, heh. I think we can be good friends.

VANDENBERG:
Oh, we’ll honeymoon in Madrid, then fly to Rome, then on to Venice.

DAVY:
Hey, Micky, will you please tell him?

MICKY:
Did you say Venice?

EXT. VENICE

MICKY (V.O.):
O sole mio!

INT. THE PAD

DAVY:
Micky!

MIKE:
General Vandenberg, look, uh, you don’t understand, I, uh, we—Micky, will you please explain to him and get off the Venice thing?

EXT. VENICE

MICKY (V.O.):
O sole mio!

INT. THE PAD

DAVY:
Micky!

VANDENBERG:
There’s nothing to explain. It’s perfectly obvious. You’ve been laughing at me behind my back. There can be no excuse for this kind of deceit.

LESLIE:
There is an excuse! You’re the excuse! You and your medieval attitudes! Look what you made these boys go through just because Davy wanted to date me!

WEEFERS:
How nice of you to come.

VANDENBERG:
What is this?

WEEFERS:
Huntington Hartford hates pickled herring.

PETER:
I think she’s got it.

DAVY:
By George, she’s got it.

WEEFERS:
Tell me when the party begins.

LESLIE:
If you weren’t so over-protective, Davy wouldn’t have had to go to such extremes to see me!

BABBIT:
I went back to my apartment, but I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t get you out of my mind. Did you dye your hair?

MICKY:
Get outta here.

VANDENBERG:
Oh, I don’t understand any of this.

DAVY:
It’s just that I wanted to see your daughter.

VANDENBERG:
W-why didn’t you say so? I’m not an unreasonable man.

MIKE:
Well, I guess all’s well that ends well.

MICKY:
There’s only one thing that bothers me, though.

MIKE:
What?

MICKY:
Do I gotta… give back the ring?

Tag

EXT. PARK

LESLIE:
Daddy really learned his lesson. He said no more chaperones, ever!

DAVY:
Swell.

LESLIE:
Well, that shows he has a lot of confidence in me, don’t you think?

DAVY:
Sure. A lot of confidence.

MICKY, MIKE:
Ha ha ha ha.

MICKY:
We’ll see you guys later.

MIKE:
Yeah, later. ???

MAN-SEEKING PARTY GUEST:
Bye.

TARZAN:
Ahh!

“You Just May Be the One”