“I Was a 99 lb. Weakling” Script

EXT. BEACH

MICKY:
You know, physical beauty isn’t enough. I-I guess that’s why I fell in love with you, Brenda; I wanted a girl with some intelligence.

BRENDA:
Yeah, intelligence.

MICKY:
Yeah. Hey! Ah!

BULK:
How you doing, chick? Hey, haven’t we met somewhere before?

BRENDA:
Yeah, before.

MICKY:
Hi there. Uh, hi there, huge fella. My name is Micky Dolenz. Very glad to me—meet you.

BULK:
Do you realize that I’ve put on two inches since I’ve seen you last? Right on those old biceps. Look at that. Huh.

BRENDA:
Yeah, biceps.

MICKY:
Hi there, huge fella, again. Hi, I’m Micky, I’d like to—“Shah-Ku’s Health and Strength”.

BULK:
So, I figure if I train constantly, I’d get my chest up with the forearms, you see, up to the size of my chest. And then—beat it, skinny.

MICKY:
Uh! I can’t tear it. I couldn’t be that weak! I can’t tear this card!

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

INT. SHAH-KU’S HEALTH AND STRENGTH

SHAH-KU:
You see how disastrous it can be to walk around this world without any strength.

MICKY:
Oh! Sorry.

SHAH-KU:
Betraying one’s own body and becoming an absolute and utter physical wreck.

MICKY:
I may not be in very good shape, but I’m no weakling.

SHAH-KU:
Must I resort to calling you skinny to remind you?

MICKY:
Don’t say that.

SHAH-KU:
First, I will give you the rope test. The rope.

MICKY:
Hm? Oh, the rope? You want me to climb the rope? Sure, I can climb the rope. I’m a little bit stronger than you think I am. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. It’s this rope; it’s greased!

SHAH-KU:
You see how the mind can make adjustments to things we don’t want to admit to?

MICKY:
My mind? My—

SHAH-KU:
Next, the pulleys.

INT. SHAH-KU’S HEALTH AND STRENGTH

MICKY:
Pulleys. Watch this. I’ll show you who’s weak. A ha ha. Ah, got it! How do you like that, huh? How do you like that? Uh, could you, uh, help-help me out of this, please? Ow! Ow! Uh, no, no, y-you’re bending it the wrong way.

SHAH-KU:
Finally, the weights.

INT. SHAH-KU’S HEALTH AND STRENGTH

MICKY:
Gah! Oh! Oh! Ha. I can get that so easy. Aha! Aha! I got it, see? Ha ha. I got it. I got—look out! Look out! I-I-I got it up. That’s right. Oh! I got it up. I got it. I got it. My shoulder now, it’s on my shoulder. Ah, it’s on my neck. It’s not on my shoulder anymore. It’s, it’s on my neck. I think I’m stuck. Oh!

SHAH-KU:
You’d better sign up for my complete health plan. That includes books, membership, and twice a year, we throw in a field trip to Turkish bath.

MICKY:
How much is all that?

SHAH-KU:
For you, because you’re so weak, I’m gonna make a special deal: a hundred and fifty bucks.

MICKY:
Where am I gonna get a hundred and fifty bucks, man? I’m a-an unemployed drummer.

SHAH-KU:
Money is no object. Hock your drums, bring back the money, and, uh, we can sign the contract.

INT. THE PAD

DAVY:
Micky, what are you doing? This is going to break up the group.

PETER:
Yeah.

MICKY:
I’m not going to break up the group. I’m going to keep my drumsticks; I can play your tambourine.

DAVY:
Oh, that’s very funny.

PETER:
Oh. Yeah, Micky, but is it worth it, for—all just for one girl?

MICKY:
Yeah, she’s beautiful and brilliant and intelligent.

PETER:
Yeah, intelligent.

MICKY:
Don’t do that.

DAVY:
Look, we have no money, and if you do hock your drums, we co—we should use it on food.

PETER:
Yeah, and besides, if you want to get really big and strong, we’ll help you train.

INT. THE PAD

PETER:
See, for very little money, you can buy equipment that’s the same as a body building course worth thousands and thousands of dollars, and then you don’t have to hock your drums or your sneakers or anything. I wish Mike were here.

DAVY:
You know, when I used to work with horses, I always used to come in after a ride and then do this. It helps relax the muscles in your back. Here you are. Micky, you come and try it. Uh, Micky? Micky, I’m stuck!

MICKY:
Huh?

DAVY:
I’m stuck.

MICKY:
Stuck? Peter! He’s stuck. On the couch. Put him on the couch. Easy. Easy. Easy.

PETER:
Um, stuck, uh—

DAVY:
I wish Mike was here.

EXT. BEACH

PETER (V.O.):
Running is the best form of exercise. It uses every part of the body, in the most natural way.

INT. THE PAD

PETER:
Hey, Micky, ’cause y—’cause you’ve been in such good health, and you’ve been keeping your training up and everything, we got you a surprise.

MICKY:
Uh. It’s Brenda! Brenda!

DAVY:
Go on, Micky. Go on, man. Go on.

MICKY:
I’m strong again. I’m strong. I’ve been working out. Much stronger than that big, huge man on the, on the beach. I’ll show ya how st—how strong I am. Look, feel it.

BRENDA:
Yeah, stronger.

MICKY:
Really, feel, feel. No, not so much.

INT. THE PAD

MICKY:
Good morning!

DAVY:
What’s so good about it?

MICKY:
Early to bed and early to rise!

DAVY, PETER:
I wish Mike were here.

MICKY:
Well, I think I’m ready now. I’m going down on the beach and get even with that guy.

PETER:
You don’t want to get even, man.

MICKY:
But he called me skinny. Isn’t that the most ridiculous thing you ever heard of? I guess it’s not so ridiculous, is it? Hm.

PETER:
Man, you don’t want to get strong just to hurt somebody.

DAVY:
Micky, it’s so unnecessary to hit anybody.

MICKY:
Yeah, you’re right. How about if I kick him?

PETER:
No, don’t do that.

MICKY:
Uh, biting?

DAVY:
No. No.

MICKY:
How am I going to see Brenda with this guy on the beach?

DAVY:
Look, don’t worry. We’ll get you to see Brenda without any kind of violence. Just a little, um, underhanded…

MICKY:
Oh, right.

EXT. BEACH

DAVY:
Hey, you, stand up.

BULK:
Who, me?

DAVY:
Yeah, you. Stand up. Mm! Step over that line. Step over that line. Alright, step over this line.

BULK:
Okay, now what?

DAVY:
Just as I thought: you’re always taking orders. Nah!

BULK:
Hi, chick.

PETER:
Did I hear somebody yell for help? Did I hear somebody yell for help?

BRENDA:
No.

PETER:
What do you mean, no? Look at that man’s back; it’s covered with spots.

BRENDA:
Uh! Help.

PETER:
Thank you. I’m a doctor, in case you hadn’t noticed. Oh my goodness! I hope I’m in not in time. I mean, I hope I’m in time.

BULK:
What’s the matter, Doc?

PETER:
I’ve never seen a body in such an advanced state of decomposition. Let me see your back. Not your back, dear.

BRENDA:
To each his own.

BULK:
Well, doc, w-what’s the trouble?

PETER:
It’s covered with splotches; it actually looks as though somebody had painted it.

BRENDA:
Yeah, paint.

PETER:
Now, don’t panic; modern science can do wonders. Inhale. Hold your breath. Hold your breath. Hold your breath. Hold on to it. Longer. Longer. That’s it. Hold onto it. Hold your breath. Longer. Hold your breath. Hold your breath more. Hold on. That’s it, more. Hold your breath. No, ho-hold it longer. Is that any way to treat a doctor? Cross your knees. No, not you.

BRENDA:
Don’t do that.

BULK:
Ay! Listen, doctor, I’m as strong as an ox.

PETER:
Oh, well, that’s alright. This disease will sap you of strength. In ten minutes, you’ll be as weak as a spineless jellyfish. If there’s anybody you want to beat up, I suggest you do it straight off. That’ll be ten dollars.

BULK:
Ten dollars?

PETER:
Well, you know, the cost of science goes up. It—uh, I’ll send you a bill.

EXT. BEACH

PETER:
Hey, mister, could you throw us back our ball?

DAVY:
Ha ha ha ha ha!

BULK:
Ooh. Ay! Oof, I can hardly lift it!

DAVY:
Shouldn’t think he could. Lead, you know. Ooh!

BULK:
I can’t have lost my strength. Without my strength, I’m nothing.

BRENDA:
Yeah, nothing.

DAVY:
Hey, mister, mister, will you please hold my kite, please, while I go get a popsicle. Ahh.

BULK:
I hope this kid doesn’t—whoa! Help! Whoa, whoa! Whoa! He-help! Whoa!

PETER:
Well, there he goes.

BULK:
Oh!

DAVY:
Yeah, where’s that, uh, diri… diri… blimp headed for?

PETER:
Bayonne, New Jersey.

DAVY:
Bayo-Bayonne, New J—You know, I used to have a girlfriend in Bayonne, New Jersey.

PETER:
Anything like the Secaucus girl?

DAVY:
No, I don’t know. Her name was Mary Ann.

INT. THE PAD

PETER:
And then he just floated away.

MICKY:
Well, that’s no good. Brenda digs muscles, and I just don’t have any.

DAVY:
Hey, we took care of that. Don’t worry.

MICKY:
Huh?

DAVY:
Here you go, son. Put your arms through there. Put your jacket on here. Here we go.

MICKY:
This better be a good idea!

DAVY:
Oh, you’ll look great. Don’t worry.

MICKY:
I can’t get my arm in.

DAVY:
Up there, ’round the back. There we go. Now, this is your sportswear, casual beach attire.

MICKY:
This is casual?

DAVY:
Well, just a minute. That’s as casual as you can get.

MICKY:
That’s casual?

DAVY:
Yeah. It’s casual.

PETER:
Don’t get lost, man. Careful.

DAVY:
Look at those muscles, man.

MICKY:
This stuff, does it look real?

DAVY:
Whoa, it looks real real. Very real. Pull your sleeves up. That’s it. That’s it.

MICKY:
Alright, guys. Ready?

DAVY:
Beautiful. Take a deep breath.

MICKY:
Hi, Brenda. How are you?

DAVY:
No, deeper, deeper, deeper.

MICKY:
Hi, Brenda. Deeper? Hi, Brenda. Hi.

DAVY:
Beautiful.

EXT. BEACH

MICKY:
Hi there, Brenda. Fancy meeting you here by the, uh, ocean. I’m, uh—notice I’m a little bit stronger, better, bigger than king size?

BRENDA:
Yeah, bigger.

MICKY:
Hm. I’ve been, uh, working out.

BULK:
Hey, listen. There’s nothing wrong with me.

MICKY:
There’s a big, huge fella here. How are ya? I, uh, I’ve been working out a little bit, and—ah!

SHAH-KU:
So, Mr. Dolenz, we meet again.

MICKY:
Yeah, again.

SHAH-KU:
Is this your self-training program? Maybe, this time you’ll believe me.

MICKY:
I’m a believer, I’m a believer, already.

INT. THE PAD

PETER:
Did he sign that contract with Shah-Ku?

DAVY:
No, I think he’s just going to do it on a week-to-week basis.

PETER:
Oh, that’s not bad.

DAVY:
Just for half a week.

PETER:
Oh. Hey, Micky, you haven’t eaten in two days, man; you look really bad.

MICKY:
I gotta fast to purify my tissues.

DAVY:
Yeah, if your tissues get any purer, man, you’re gonna… fall over.

DAVY, PETER:
Micky!

PETER:
Micky!

MICKY:
No, I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m going to join Weaklings Anonymous tonight at Shah-Ku’s.

PETER:
I’m going to call that Shah-Ku guy.

INT. SHAH-KU’S HEALTH AND STRENGTH

SHAH-KU [on the phone]:
Mm-hm?

INT. THE PAD

PETER [on the phone]:
And I’m awfully worried about him, Mr. Shah-Ku. He’s falling down from hunger.

INT. SHAH-KU’S HEALTH AND STRENGTH

SHAH-KU [on the phone]:
You have a very deep voice for a mother, Mrs. Dolenz.

INT. THE PAD

PETER [on the phone]:
I’m not Mrs. Dolenz.

INT. SHAH-KU’S HEALTH AND STRENGTH

SHAH-KU [on the phone]:
Oh. Micky came from a broken home? In that case, lead him into stage two. Give him a little green rice and that will fix him up.

[Shah-Ku hangs up.]

SHAH-KU:
Tonight, I shall pick up Mr. Dolenz, then after we’ve had him sign the contract, he’ll hock his drums.

INT. THE PAD

PETER:
Hey, Micky, where’s the steak?

MICKY:
Steak, is in the garbage, where it should be.

PETER:
That’s no place to serve steak.

MICKY:
Steak has fat. Fat clogs your veins. Davy, that’s probably why you’re so short; your veins are all clogged.

DAVY:
So what we’re going to eat now you put the steak in the garbage?

MICKY:
Ah! The essence of a healthful cuisine. Voilà! Fried fermented goat milk curd burned in a dash of lemon seed oil to a crisp, golden green.

PETER:
Do you think we can save the steak?

DAVY:
Let’s try.

MICKY:
And after that fellas, I will further tempt your tastebuds with scraped mountain moss au gratin with a special peanut shell base.

PETER:
You made the peanut shell base yourself?

DAVY:
Of course, he did you twit; you can’t get a thing like that in cans.

MICKY:
Delicioso.

PETER:
I’m so glad Mike isn’t here.

INT. THE PAD

MICKY:
You guys sure didn’t eat much dinner.

DAVY:
Do we kill him now or later?

MR. SCHNEIDER:
Does hunger justify murder?

DAVY:
Oh, man, they’d never convict you if they tasted that.

SHAH-KU:
It is I, Shah-Ku.

DAVY:
And that’s the second one we’re going to kill.

SHAH-KU:
I know why you can’t make progress in such a place. Look at it, the stuffiness. How could you live and breathe in such an atmosphere? How could you be poisoned in such an environment? Look at you. Just look at you!

MICKY:
Wha-what?

SHAH-KU:
The two of you huddled in the corner. Just look. And look at him. Yes, look at him. He’s—he’s dead. How can the system survive in such a place?

DAVY:
We do alright, you know. It’s, uh—

SHAH-KU:
Dolenz.

MICKY:
Ah!

SHAH-KU:
Dolenz. I thought you were the weakest person I’d ever met, but at least you had the strength to admit it. You, too, if you stand up, you may join us.

DAVY:
I am standing up.

SHAH-KU:
Hm! No wonder you’re so short, putting all that impurity into your system.

MICKY:
I think he was born that way.

SHAH-KU:
Oh? Mr. Dolenz, Come with me. When your friends have seen the marvelous results, they too will join us.

DAVY:
Hey, Peter, where have you been?

PETER:
Oh, I—hey, who was that that just left with Micky?

DAVY:
That was Mr. Shah-Ku. Do you know him?

PETER:
Well, no, but I just saw him at the corner. He was, uh, getting a, you know, a soda b—uh, and a hot dog and, uh, some chili.

INT. SHAH-KU’S HEALTH AND STRENGTH

SHAH-KU:
People who come to Weaklings Anonymous find the ultimate strength at a modest price.

INT. SHAH-KU’S HEALTH AND STRENGTH

DAVY:
Eating hot dogs!

PETER:
Oh, I was hungry, man.

INT. SHAH-KU’S HEALTH AND STRENGTH

SHAH-KU:
It is truly written that the coward dies a thousand deaths. The brave man… only five hundred or so.

INT. SHAH-KU’S HEALTH AND STRENGTH

DAVY:
Eating hot dogs.

PETER:
I was hungry.

DAVY:
You still owe me a quarter.

PETER:
I’ll pay you back when I—when I see you.

INT. SHAH-KU’S HEALTH AND STRENGTH

SHAH-KU:
The weak are strong. The strong are meek. Weakness is strength. The strong are meek.

CROWD:
The weak are strong!

SHAH-KU:
The strong are weak!

CROWD:
The strong are weak!

SHAH-KU:
Weakness is strength. The strong are meek.

CROWD:
[unintelligible]

INT. SHAH-KU’S HEALTH AND STRENGTH

PETER:
Listen, man, will you stop picking on me? I was hungry.

INT. SHAH-KU’S HEALTH AND STRENGTH

SHAH-KU:
Sign the contract.

MICKY:
Well, uh—

SHAH-KU:
Have no fear of embarrassment, Mr. Dolenz; it’s a lightweight pen.

MICKY:
Well, no, it wasn’t that. Um, I feel—I d—I don’t feel like a weakling.

SHAH-KU:
Right. It’s always that in the beginning. Soon, you will feel free to admit to being a loser.

MICKY:
Ha, I’ll be a loser. Huh?

INT. SHAH-KU’S HEALTH AND STRENGTH

DAVY:
Eating hot dogs.

PETER:
Well, I was hungry.

DAVY:
You still owe me a quarter.

PETER:
I can’t help it, man. Didn’t have the money to get the hot dog.

DAVY:
You still owe me a quarter, Peter.

PETER:
I’ll give it to you when I get paid next Thursday.

DAVY:
Peter. Oh, Peter, you’ve got it the wrong way on. Turn it, turn it ’round. Okay. Put your top up. Let’s go.

INT. SHAH-KU’S HEALTH AND STRENGTH

SHAH-KU:
I’ll tell you why you must join us. I will call on members of our group to tell us of the effect we’ve had on their lives. Will one of you weaklings please speak up and tell this uncertain boy of how we’ve helped you?

PETER:
Uh, I was, uh, being driven to the outskirts of town. It was raining and thunderstorm, and this taxi driver took me to the outskirts of town, and he stopped in the middle of the rainstorm and said, “Get out of my cab”.

SHAH-KU:
And, uh, then what did you do?

PETER:
Then I gave it to him.

SHAH-KU:
You gave it to him. What did you give to him?

PETER:
I gave him a quarter.

SHAH-KU:
You gave him a quarter. Next testimonial, please. Come on now. Here we are.

DAVY:
Um, before I came to Shah-Ku’s, I-I used to be six foot two—

SHAH-KU:
Next testimonial, please!

DAVY:
And then, uh, he put so much weight on my shoulders that he squashed me.

SHAH-KU:
Next testimonial, please.

PETER:
Before I joined, uh, Weaklings Anonymous, I was a weakling, and bullies picked on me all the time. Now that I’m a big man, no one—nobody would pick on me. One of you guys pick one me.

SHAH-KU:
Next testimonial please. Wait! Wait! I will tell you. I will show you. I, Shah-Ku, will show you with a test of my own strength. Hurry up.

MICKY:
Oh, that’s strong. Oh, that’s—

SHAH-KU:
Yes, sir. May I appeal to you, and show you that I, I, Shah-Ku, is—

MICKY:
It’s him! It’s him! He’s the—he’s the man on the beach! It’s him! It’s the man—the man—the body—he’s the man on the beach! Shah-Ku’s a phony! Shah-Ku ??? Shah-Ku ???

“Sunny Girlfriend”

INT. BEACH

BRENDA:
What are you doing?

MICKY:
I’m developing the muscles in my inner chest to eliminate the necessity of breathing.

BRENDA:
Yeah, breathing.

MICKY:
Hey! What are you doing? Ha! En garde!

INTELLECTUAL:
I’m reading. It’s Remembrance of Things Past, Volume Three by Marcel Proust.

BRENDA:
Ooh, I just love a man with a mind.

MICKY:
Huh?

INTELLECTUAL:
Yeah, mind.

MICKY:
Huh? Oh, no, wait. He, he doesn’t even—she-she wants his mind. Uh, no, that’s not what—uh, I have a mind. No, I don’t have a mind; I lost mine. I have a body though. I don’t even have a body. I’m—and I’m hurt.

“Love Is Only Sleeping”