“Monkees Watch Their Feet” Script

INT. DEPARTMENT OF UFOS

MIKE:
Ladies and gentlemen, this evening, Raybert Productions and Screen Gems with its usual lack of cooperation from the National Broadcasting Company is pleased to present this special report from the Department of UFO Information. Ladies and gentlemen, the Secretary of the Department of UFO Information, Mr. Pat Paulsen. Paulsen.

SECRETARY:
I come before these cameras tonight to tell you that you and that we, both human beings and animals, are not alone. At this very moment, walking upon the face of our Mother Earth are aliens from outer space. You may pooh-pooh this statement, but I must say emphatically, don’t pooh-pooh it. Day by day, there’s increasing evidence of the alienation of our planet. Many of us blame our leaders. Many of our leaders blame us. But the truth lies, as always, beyond our reach. We are being attacked by outer space. These invaders, these aliens from outer space, have cleverly-ly infiltrated our societies. Preying mostly upon the innocence of our youth because they know they’ll try anything. I have for you a documented film report. You see before you three average, typical, young American teenagers with their own television series.

INT. THE PAD

DAVY:
Hey, man, we’d better hurry up. We’ve got to start practicing.

PETER:
Keep your shirt on.

MICKY:
Yeah, keep your shirt on. Keep my shirt on? What happened?

DAVY:
Hey, listen, you know something? You want to go to the gig unprepared?

MICKY:
Oh, not me. I wouldn’t let ’em catch us with our pants down. Gone maybe, but not down.

DAVY:
Micky, I thought you were putting your clothes on.

MICKY:
Yeah, I did put my clothes on, but my clothes took off. Could it be my clothes are putting me on?

SECRETARY (V.O.):
This startling, startling, piece of film fully illustrates my point. Is this young man the world’s fastest exhibitionist? Is this the work of an overly amorous teenybopper? Or is whet happened to him beyond his control? Certainly, if the intent was to be humorous, it would have been funnier than that.

INT. DEPARTMENT OF UFOS

SECRETARY:
Unless it was a TV show. No, this was a direct assault from the cosmos. He was under control of al-aliens.

INT. SPACESHIP

SECRETARY (V.O.):
Yes.

INT. DEPARTMENT OF UFOS

SECRETARY:
Ladies and gentlemen, the universe is trying to move into your neighborhood.

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

INT. THE PAD

SECRETARY (V.O.):
Let us lake a closer look at what has happened to this young man.

PETER:
Micky, if it wasn’t attached to your body, you’d lose your head.

MICKY:
Don’t listen to him, head! Stay there. He’s only kidding, head. I’ll admit it’s kinda strange. Stuff just can’t disappear, can it? Uh, did you guys see, uh, see one of my tom-toms?

DAVY:
No.

PETER:
No.

MICKY:
You didn’t see?

DAVY:
Nope.

MICKY:
Then it’s gone! I was right! It’s disappearing. My stuff’s disappearing! I was right!

SECRETARY (V.O.):
You now see the beginnings of confusion. It’s a seed sown in our most fertile ground: our youth. This poor American teenaged millionaire, deeply troubled by the problems of growing up, the vague longings awakening in his body, the long vague awakenings of his mind.

INT. DEPARTMENT OF UFOS

SECRETARY:
We all go through that, but.

INT. THE PAD

SECRETARY (V.O.):
Twisted by a mechanistic world that moves faster than the speed of sound, tormented by a war he must fight in a country thousands of miles away.

INT. DEPARTMENT OF UFOS

SECRETARY:
But surely, simple problems such as these could not cause such confusion. He is obvious-ob-obviously affected by aliens from outer space.

INT. SPACESHIP

ASSISTANT:
We’d better initiate plan D.

CAPTAIN:
What is plan D?

ASSISTANT:
Disposal of Earthlings through the various means of destruction at our command.

EXT. BEACH

SECRETARY (V.O.):
Here he comes, walking down the beach. Gets the funniest looks from everyone he meets.

INT. DEPARTMENT OF UFOS

SECRETARY:
Feeling groovy.

EXT. BEACH

SECRETARY (V.O.):
The aliens have left a trail of precious possessions as the final step to lead him to their lair. The stocking was an oversight. They bait the trap with his tom-tom. Suddenly, the young man—

INT. SPACESHIP

SECRETARY (V.O.):
—finds himself in a strange environment. Gone are the psychedelic lights, the ear shattering music, the strangely painted ritualistic dancers. All of the good, solid, peaceful things that to him means security and home. They win his confidence with small talk, the same way we do.

CAPTAIN:
Zlotnik welcomes you.

MICKY:
I welcome Zlotnik. Who’s Zlotnik? Who’s Zlotnik? Have you seen my tom-tom?

CAPTAIN:
He’s suspicious. These Earthlings are not as dumb as we thought.

MICKY:
You’ve got a groovy pad here.

ASSISTANT:
Groovy pad. Term meaning alien spaceship, no doubt marked for destruction.

MICKY:
You know, if I didn’t know better, I’d swear this was an alien spaceship, huh.

SECRETARY (V.O.):
Then they prey upon his youthful curiosity.

MICKY:
What does this handle do-do-do-do-do-do-do?

SECRETARY (V.O.):
Their most effective weapon is one known as the duplicating process. They try to recreate a robot that looks exactly like a teenage boy.

CAPTAIN:
Now for a perfect copy. He’ll soon be beside himself. Ha ha ha!

ASSISTANT:
There! Ah!

SECRETARY (V.O.):
They, by trial and error, make a perfect replica that can pass unnoticed in the world outside.

MICKY:
Do-do…

CAPTAIN:
Hm. It’s closer, but it’s not quite him somehow.

ASSISTANT:
Let’s reduce the brain tissue and lower the IQ.

SECRETARY (V.O.):
Relentlessly pursuing their goal, they try again.

CAPTAIN:
A perfect copy!

ASSISTANT:
While we question the Earthling, the robot will take his place and will spy for us.

CAPTAIN:
Of course. Go out and spy on them. Watch every move. Report back everything.

INT. DEPARTMENT OF UFOS

SECRETARY:
Surely you are now convinced of the terrible danger we face, but if further proof be necessary, just look around you. Whatever happened to the good old days? Perhaps you figure that the more days that go by, the more good old days there are to miss. That’s tricky thinking and not the answer. Today is not a good old one, because the aliens are causing riots and crime waves, drug addiction, unemployment, etcetera. They want to put the blame on—they want to put the blame on teenagers. Take the war, for example. Whose fault is it? Certainly not our fault; we’re not fighting. It must be those crazy kids; they’re the ones doing all the fighting. But is it the kids’ fault? Not entirely. Mostly, it’s the aliens. Are we to be pushovers for the universe? Let’s show the cosmos what we’re made of.

EXT. BEACH

SECRETARY (V.O.):
Now you can see the alien robot looks and acts by and large—

DAVY:
Hey, there’s Micky. There’s Micky.

SECRETARY (V.O.):
—and it’s friendly.

PETER:
Hey, Micky, we’ve been looking everywhere for you, man.

ROBOT MICKY:
Hi, guys. I just got here.

SECRETARY (V.O.):
However, it often has a small physical flaw. As in this case, its feet are backwards. Notice how his friends notice this, but let it go.

DAVY:
You know, I’ve got a funny feeling there’s something different about Micky.

PETER:
I’ve felt that way for years.

INT. DEPARTMENT OF UFOS

SECRETARY:
When recognizing a space alien, never give anyone the benefit of a doubt, especially a friend.

INT. SPACESHIP

SECRETARY (V.O.):
Recognizing an alien is no easy task. They have all the human qualities. Greed, anger, hate. So I’m not saying they’re all bad.

CAPTAIN:
They’re falling for it. They think he’s the real Micky!

INT. DEPARTMENT OF UFOS

SECRETARY:
In this next scene, the humans see the spaceship.

EXT. BEACH

DAVY:
Hey, Micky, isn’t that a spaceship over there?

SECRETARY (V.O.):
Notice the powerfully persuasive argument of the space alien.

ROBOT MICKY:
What does a spaceship look like?

DAVY:
Well, I don’t know. I never saw one before.

ROBOT MICKY:
Then how do you know it is a spaceship?

PETER:
He’s right, man. It’s probably some new drive-in.

INT. THE PAD

SECRETARY (V.O.):
The only way to recognize an alien is to take note of strange behavior. Take some notes on this next scene.

ROBOT MICKY:
Hello, Zlotnik. I’m here in enemy head-headquarters. They have harmonic destructors here, like we do on Zlotnik, and when they use them, they make terrible and—ah!—horrible sounds. They also have insufferable tortures here on Earth. Whenever a pussycat cries, they tear off its head.

DAVY [on the phone]:
Definitely not.

ROBOT MICKY:
Then they holler in its ear.

DAVY [on the phone]:
Bye.

ROBOT MICKY:
And then they put the head back on the body; I don’t know how it stays alive. And—

DAVY:
Micky? Micky, who were you talking to just then?

ROBOT MICKY:
No one.

DAVY:
Well, well, you’re acting very strange, you know.

ROBOT MICKY:
I’m not acting strange. I’m acting perfectly normal. There is nothing strange about me. Don’t tear off that cat’s head again; I can’t stand it.

PETER:
Cat’s head?

DAVY:
Micky, are you sure everything’s okay?

ROBOT MICKY:
Of course everything is okay, David. What makes you think that anything is wrong? Just make sure you feed it.

PETER:
Feed it? Feed the—

DAVY:
Feed it, yeah. We’ll give it some milk. Milk. Right.

PETER:
Yeah, right. Give it some milk.

ROBOT MICKY:
Don’t touch her!

DAVY:
Ah!

ROBOT MICKY:
Take your hands off of her.

PETER:
Uh, “her”. Sure. Sure, Mick. I’ll get some milk from the lamp.

DAVY:
I’ll g—I’ll go and help him. Eh.

ROBOT MICKY:
Hi, baby. How are you? What’s a girl like you doing in a place like this? No, not you, Chief, I’m talking to this beautiful Zlotnik girl here on Earth. She’s quite a dish. I can take you away from all this, honey.

DAVY:
Micky, Micky. Micky, are you sure you’re alright?

ROBOT MICKY:
Of course I’m alright. Why do you ask?

DAVY:
Well, you were kissing the refrigerator, you know.

PETER:
You have to admit that’s pretty strange.

ROBOT MICKY:
Hm. You’re right. She wears too much makeup.

DAVY:
Micky, come and sit down, please.

PETER:
Yeah, Micky. Just take a little load off here.

DAVY:
Sit here, son. Oh.

ROBOT MICKY:
Calling Zlotnik. Calling Zlotnik.

DAVY:
He’s going crazy.

ROBOT MICKY:
They’re being underhanded and devious. They’re using unfair practices. They’re spying on me!

PETER:
I’m worried, man.

ROBOT MICKY:
Nice kitty. Nice kitty.

INT. DEPARTMENT OF UFOS

SECRETARY:
Often, the attempts to destroy those who are suspicious of the aliens are thwarted, but even though the alien may have a big thwart on his attempt, he will try again and again to carry out his orders using increasingly more subtle means.

DAVY:
Oh. Micky, what are you doing?

ROBOT MICKY:
I am going to dispose of all of you.

PETER:
Oh, that’s good. For a minute, I thought he was trying to get rid of us.

DAVY:
Dispose of us! Oh, Micky!

PETER:
Micky!

ROBOT MICKY:
Ah!

DAVY:
We’ve got to do something about Micky, man. He’s not the same funny person that’s always joking and jovial. He’s a killer.

ROBOT MICKY:
Ah!

INT. DEPARTMENT OF UFOS

SECRETARY:
Of course, that was an ugly scene, brutal and violent. I’m sorry you had to witness it. But the truth is often ugly. These young men in search of the truth seek to analyze the strangeness of their friend and find an even greater truth. The next scene. It’s truly ugly.

INT. THE PAD

DAVY:
Let’s check the list. Ready?

PETER:
Silly grin.

DAVY:
Slouchy shoulders.

PETER:
Total lack of muscles.

DAVY:
Knobbly knees.

PETER:
Feet on backwards.

DAVY:
Feet on—

PETER:
Feet on back—

DAVY:
Feet on backwards?

PETER:
His feet are backwards.

ROBOT MICKY:
No. My feet aren’t on backwards, yours are.

INT. DEPARTMENT OF UFOS

SECRETARY:
“My feet aren’t backwards, yours are.” The arrogance. Casting aspersion on the feet God gave us. Is nothing sacred to these aliens? We pause for a commercial.

INT. THE PAD

ROBOT MICKY:
Gort baringa. Gort baringa. Klaatu barada nikto. Klaatu barada nikto.

INT. DEPARTMENT OF UFOS

SECRETARY:
The phrase “hut verenga” is of great importance. Such phrases have controlled whole generations. For example, “Oh, you kid”, “Hey, daddy-o”, and the more recent, “Sock it to me, baby”.

INT. THE PAD

ROBOT MICKY:
My name is Robby the Robot.

DAVY:
I’ve called this meeting, ’cause we have a serious problem. Either one of our ranks has his feet on backwards, or he’s not one of our ranks.

ROBOT MICKY:
Ow! Mm! Ah! Mm! Ah! Mm! That hurt!

PETER:
He’s not one of our ranks.

INT. DEPARTMENT OF UFOS

SECRETARY:
And who knows what “hut verenga” might have led to had it not been stopped by the sudden realization of the truth by those young Americans and the procedures they took to defend their country?

INT. CHIEF’S OFFICE

DAVY:
Uh, we came here to report an unidentified flying object.

CHIEF:
Pay no attention. Interoffice memo.

DAVY:
Well, you see, we saw this spaceship on the beach.

CHIEF:
This could be serious. Was there a sign on the beach that said, “No spaceships allowed”?

PETER:
No, there wasn’t.

DAVY:
What’d you say?

PETER:
No, there wasn’t!

DAVY:
Oh.

CHIEF:
Then it’s not as serious as I thought. It’s a Martian! Spaceman, what are you doing in this strange land?

DAVY:
It’s not that his head’s on backwards; it’s his feet that are on backwards.

PETER:
Are you going to do something about this or aren’t you?

CHIEF:
Are you willing to file an official report?

PETER:
We are.

DAVY:
Yes, we are.

CHIEF:
Attention! Official report! Take three steps forward.

PETER:
May we?

DAVY:
May we?

CHIEF:
You may.

DAVY:
Thank you. One, two, three.

CHIEF:
Take two steps back.

DAVY:
Why? Why?

CHIEF:
You’re standing on my foot. Now, what made you think that you saw a space alien?

DAVY:
Well, they had their feet on backwards, you see. Their feet were backwards going that way.

CHIEF:
That’s preposterous. People think ofttimes that they see things that they don’t really see at all. No, it’s a figment of th—what are you doing? What are you doing?

PETER:
Quiet, you dirty space alien!

CHIEF:
I’ll break you for this!

SECRETARY (V.O.):
Yes, our government’s position on certain matters—

INT. DEPARTMENT OF UFOS

SECRETARY:
—is unbelievable. Often, the fight against the aliens must be carried out by the citizens alone.

INT. THE PAD

DAVY:
Our last hope is to get some information out of him.

SECRETARY (V.O.):
Watch the brave way in which these lads outwitted the aliens.

DAVY:
Now where’s the real Micky?

ROBOT MICKY:
I won’t talk.

PETER:
What are you doing on Earth?

ROBOT MICKY:
I won’t talk.

DAVY:
Now, where’s the real Micky, and what are doing on Earth, and now don’t say, “I won’t talk”.

PETER:
I think you blew his mind.

SECRETARY (V.O.):
These scenes speak for themselves.

INT. THE PAD

PETER:
I can see that all this questioning is wearing you out. Would you like a drink?

ROBOT MICKY:
I don’t drink; I rust easily.

PETER:
Not even some soda? Oh. Hey, I must have hit a nerve.

DAVY:
He’s a robot or he’s been eating TV tubes. Listen, he’s a robot, and all those people on that spaceship are robots too.

PETER:
Yeah, but how do you get a robot to talk?

DAVY:
Well, we could operate, and maybe by switching the wires, we could find the real Micky.

PETER:
What if it doesn’t work?

DAVY:
Well, we’d have a pretty groovy portable radio, ha ha.

DAVY, PETER:
Oh!

INT. THE PAD

DAVY:
Okay, now you tell me which wire connects to your truth tube or else I’ll squirt you again.

ROBOT MICKY:
I think it is this one.

DAVY:
Okay.

ROBOT MICKY:
I am mankind’s friend. Tender, kind, and loving. Truthful to the end. This is a recording. That must’ve been my poetry tube.

INT. THE PAD

DAVY:
Okay, now this is the last tube.

ROBOT MICKY:
Micky is in the spaceship. They are questioning him before we invade.

PETER:
Oh. Well, they won’t find out much from Micky.

ROBOT MICKY:
Why not?

PETER:
Well, he doesn’t know too much.

DAVY:
Can we get into the spaceship?

ROBOT MICKY:
Yes.

PETER:
Can you take us there?

ROBOT MICKY:
Yes.

DAVY:
Let’s go. Let’s go. Come on.

EXT. BEACH

PETER:
Nerbin on the hober gleebin, and then the reeber soben…

DAVY:
So I said to this, um, reeber sober, how are you doing, and he says, uh—

ROBOT MICKY:
Klaatu barada nikto.

INT. SPACESHIP

MICKY:
Hi, guys?

ROBOT MICKY:
Hi, guys.

MICKY:
I recognize that handsome, good looking, strong face.

PETER:
Hey, we’d better get out of here if it’s the last thing we do alive.

“Star Collector”

INT. SPACESHIP

ROBOT MICKY:
I’m sorry, guys, but I’m programmed to automatically warn them and help them fight.

MICKY:
Well, that’s okay. Listen, I’d have done the same thing if I was in your shoes, uh, place.

ROBOT MICKY:
You’d better leave now. The spaceship is programmed to return to Zlotnik in five minutes.

DAVY:
Oh, we’d better go. We’d better go.

PETER:
Yeah, yeah. Hey, wouldn’t you like to come with us?

DAVY:
That’s a good idea.

ROBOT MICKY:
Thanks, guys. I’d like to, but I have a little blender waiting for me on Zlotnik.

DAVY:
Ah.

MICKY:
Blender, aw.

DAVY:
That’s cool. I can dig it.

MICKY:
Chhh.

PETER:
♪ Got a date with a blender ♪

DAVY:
Don’t, man. It’s the wrong song. Wrong song.

INT. DEPARTMENT OF UFOS

SECRETARY:
So there you have it. The ugly truth. Perhaps you are now asking yourself the question: how menacing are aliens with backward feet? It is not the b—it is not the backward feet in themselves, although, seen closeup, they’re quite ugly, that are the menace. It is the implication of what backward feet mean in a frontward feet society. First of all, let us examine the phrase, “Put your best foot forward”. Our—our entire society would be moving into the past instead of the future. Take the plight of the ordinary shoe salesman, who, in order to fit his customers, will find himself bumping constantly in-into the back of a chair. Uptown being changed to downtown. Downtown being changed to who knows where. America, if you let this menace into your midst, you will not know whether you are coming or going. Doctors trying valiantly to get to their patients will find themselves stuck against their back wall while trying to race out the door. Plague and famine will spread over the land. All chiropodists will be enlisted into the CIA. In summation, let me say once more, emphatically, we are being attacked by outer space. The time has come for us to stop sticking our bayonets into each other, and start sticking our bayonets into space.