“The Prince and the Paupers” Script

INT. PERUVIAN EMBASSY - ANTEROOM

DAVY:
This is ridiculous to come down here just because we read in the paper they may hold an embassy ball.

MIKE:
Look, will you please cool it? Man, we haven’t played a gig in as long as we haven’t, you gotta take every lead you can get.

MAX:
[to Davy] A-ha! What are you doing here? The count has been looking everywhere for you.

DAVY:
Oh, he has?

MAX:
Come!

MIKE:
Well, well, wait a minute—

MAX:
??? The count is waiting.

DAVY:
Oh.

MIKE:
Davy.

MICKY:
Davy. Uh.

INT. PERUVIAN EMBASSY - BALLROOM

MAX:
I found him in the anteroom, Count Myron.

MYRON:
My dear boy, what are you doing in those bizarre clothes? Really, now, you are getting most to be most eccentric.

DAVY:
Now, look, uh, I-I don’t really understand, you see, you see, Mike read in the paper that you, that you were, um—

LUDLOW:
Hi.

DAVY:
It’s like The Prince and the Pauper.

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

INT. PERUVIAN EMBASSY - BALLROOM

DAVY:
Hey, you’re my double.

MYRON:
Oh, oh, yes, I-I can see my mistake. Alright, young man: out!

LUDLOW:
No. I will speak to this young man alone, Count Myron.

MYRON:
As you wish, sire.

LUDLOW:
Hi.

DAVY:
Hi. What are you doing in America?

LUDLOW:
I-I-I’ve come to your country to-to try and find a bride. U-under the terms of my nation’s constitution, if I’m still unwed by my eighteenth birthday, uh, my throne passes to Count Myron.

DAVY:
That sounds crazy to me.

LUDLOW:
I know; that’s-that’s what I told the producers.

DAVY:
Well, it shouldn’t be hard for you to find a girl to marry. After all, you’re a prince; you’ve got wealth and position.

LUDLOW:
Yes, but I’m so shy. I have no character. I used to think I was so deep, but-but now I know, deep down, I’m shallow.

INT. PERUVIAN EMBASSY - ROOM

MYRON:
So far, our plan to keep the young prince single works well. In another month, I shall have the throne. While the people admire me, love me, and esteem me, they do not trust me. En garde!

MAX:
I see.

MYRON:
Now, it has to be done in accordance with our constitution; we must keep Ludlow away from all women, and the few that will slip through our net will be driven off by the prince’s shyness.

MAX:
Ha ha ha.

MYRON:
En garde! Now, in a few minutes, Miss Wendy Forsythe will arrive to meet the prince. Somehow, she took a liking to him while they met on the Riviera.

MAX:
But, sire, they might marry!

MYRON:
I don’t think so. I told her that he was sly, malicious, a pathological liar, and a sadist.

MAX:
Yes, but what did you tell her was wrong with him?

MYRON:
En garde!

INT. PERUVIAN EMBASSY - BALLROOM

DAVY:
But you’re a great guy, Ludlow. You’re witty, you’re handsome, and you’re tall.

MICKY:
Hey, here he is.

MIKE:
No, there he is.

MICKY:
No, there—

PETER:
Haven’t I seen you someplace before?

DAVY:
In my mirror, Peter. Ludlow’s got to get married within the next month or else he loses the throne. And he’s afraid of girls.

COURTIER:
Uh, announcing the arrival of Miss Wendy Forsythe to see his highness.

LUDLOW:
Wait! Tell her to wait! I can’t face her! I’m going to faint!

MIKE:
You oughta do that; you’ll feel better. Ha ha.

MICKY:
Hey, uh, Davy, why don’t you, uh, like, pretend you’re him and talk to the chick yourself?

DAVY:
Hey, now, wait a minute.

LUDLOW:
Oh, would you?

MICKY:
It’s a good idea!

DAVY:
Now, look; I can’t go around impersonating a prince! I don’t even know the girl; she’ll see through me in a minute.

MIKE:
Come on, Davy, you know you’re Mr. Charm when it comes to girls.

MICKY:
Oh, really, girls find him very sweet.

PETER:
He makes their teeth decay.

MIKE:
Get in the closet.

PETER:
Come on.

MICKY:
Okay, send her in!

COURTIER:
Miss Wendy Forsythe.

[Micky peeks through the closet.]

MICKY:
Pete, look at this.

[Peter peeks through the closet.]

PETER:
Groovy. Hey, Mike, have a look at this.

WENDY:
I-I came to tell you that I don’t think I can see you again.

DAVY:
Oh, you must be Cindy.

WENDY:
Wendy.

DAVY:
Wendy. Oh, that’s what I said.

[Mike peeks through the closet.]

MIKE:
Hey, come here, Ludlow, look.

DAVY:
Wendy, I’d like to know all about you. I’d like to know where you were born, and what you were like when you were a little girl, you know, things like that, you know.

WENDY:
Well, I was born in New York on Park Avenue, but when I was sixteen, I ran away and took an apartment in Greenwich Village.

DAVY:
Ooh!

[Ludlow peeks through the closet.]

LUDLOW:
Hey, I’m doing alright.

MIKE (O.S.):
Yeah, I knew you could do it.

DAVY:
Ha ha. You know, if van Gogh had a girl like you, he’d still have both his ears.

WENDY:
May I see you again, your highness?

DAVY:
Oh, call me “high”. Course you can, any time. I’ll make it a royal decree. Decree? Is that it, decree? Ha ha!

WENDY:
Goodbye, your highness.

MICKY:
Hey, you did it, man! Had her eating out of your hand!

PETER:
I didn’t see that part.

LUDLOW:
I have a great favor to ask of you, Davy Jones. [whispers something in Davy’s ear]

DAVY:
What? Are you kidding me? He wants me to substitute for him for the next few days. You must be out of your mind!

MICKY:
Ah, come on, Davy; you could do it. You really could.

PETER:
Sure you could!

LUDLOW:
But he wants me to convince the girl to marry him.

MICKY, PETER:
You must be out of your mind!

MIKE:
Oh, come on, Davy. Ludlow’s in a jam, and you could help him out.

DAVY:
But running a country even for a few days takes a man of peculiar talents.

PETER:
Well, you have some of the most peculiar talents I’ve ever seen.

LUDLOW:
Well, what do you say, Mr. Jones?

INT. PERUVIAN EMBASSY - ROOM

PERUVIAN CHEMIST:
Heh heh heh heh heh.

MAX [on the phone]:
But, sire, I am trying to tell you. I peeked into the throne room a moment ago to see how ridiculous the prince was making himself with that girl, and he wasn’t! She likes him. I know, sire, but can we depend on the prince’s shyness to keep him unmarried another month? Yes. Yes, sire. Yes, I am sure our plan will not miscarry. You will rule Peruvia, but you must listen to me! He is not as shy as we thought.

INT. PERUVIAN EMBASSY - BALLROOM

MICKY:
Oh, comb your hair. Oh, you’re so beautiful today, prince.

PETER:
Heads up, heads up!

MICKY:
Should be a king, you really should.

DAVY:
Will you knock it off?! I don’t know how I get myself into these things.

MIKE:
Hey, Prince Ludlow, is it possible the count might be trying to keep you from getting married?

LUDLOW:
But-but, the count is a fine man; he’s generous, and he’s loyal, and he’s-he’s kind-hearted.

MIKE:
Yeah, well, I’m hip; that’s why I don’t trust him. Look, uh, I’m gonna stay here; you guys can split back to the pad with the prince.

MICKY:
Right, we’ll stay with the prince!

MIKE:
Right.

MICKY:
Right. Listen, while Davy is winning the girl for you, you’re gonna come back with us, and you’re gonna learn how to act after you got her. Huh?

PETER:
Right, I’ll teach ya everything I know.

LUDLOW:
Maybe I’d better stay here.

MICKY:
[to Davy] Hey, don’t forget to free the serfs.

DAVY:
Ha ha ha ha ha. Very funny. [to Mike] You know, this is okay, but who am I gonna tell ’em you are?

MIKE:
Well, whatever’s right.

DAVY:
Shh! Uh, what it it?

MAX:
Uh, your highness, I have some information for you that will be very useful: information about treason. For one thousand dollars, you will remember me all your life.

MIKE:
Well, that is the most nauseating proposition I ever heard!

DAVY:
But I don’t have a thousand dollars.

MIKE:
Yeah.

MAX:
Those are the breaks.

DAVY:
I’m getting out of here! I didn’t count on any palace intrigues! I came here to win a girl, and I’ll probably end up getting killed.

MIKE:
Well, look, Davy, nobody’s gonna kill anybody. You got a promise you gotta keep to Ludlow!

DAVY:
Alright, I’ll do it. I’ll go in there, I’ll substitute for Ludlow, I’ll win the girl, and I’ll probably end up getting killed.

MIKE:
Well, that’s nice.

DAVY:
Give me that! Get off! When I go through this door, I’ll be the Prince of Peruvia.

MIKE:
Good luck.

DAVY:
Heh. Wrong door.

INT. THE PAD

LUDLOW:
I-I’m very, very hungry. Is-is there anything to eat in there?

PETER:
Well, there’s some, uh, Limburger cheese and a can of sardines and some liverwurst that’s been here for two weeks; what’ll I open first?

LUDLOW:
How about the window?

INT. THE PAD

MICKY:
Okay, Ludlow, now, you got the girl here, you like her, and she likes you. Now, you gotta get acquainted, right?

GLORIA:
You may kiss my hand.

LUDLOW:
Uh, you may kiss my ring.

INT. PERUVIAN EMBASSY - ROOM

MAX:
Where did you get this note?

PERUVIAN CHEMIST:
The Forsythe girl asked me to deliver it to the prince.

MAX:
“My dearest Ludlow, I fear I am falling in love with you: your flashing eyes, your ready wit, your charm and grace.”

PERUVIAN CHEMIST:
She forgot his character.

MAX:
We must kill the prince.

PERUVIAN CHEMIST:
This afternoon, when you give the prince his dueling lesson…

[The chemist motions to the flask.]

MAX:
Poison?

PERUVIAN CHEMIST:
Well, it ain’t French dressing. Heh heh heh heh!

INT. THE PAD

LUDLOW:
And-and then, Gloria, my-my Uncle Charles the Fourth married my Aunt Louisa the Second, and-and they had a son who was Edward the Ninth.

MICKY:
Hey, it’s after six, and Davy was supposed to call. You don’t think anything happened?

PETER:
No, we would’ve heard if anything had happened to him.

MICKY:
Yeah, I suppose so.

PETER:
Still, does he have any identification?

MICKY:
Yeah, he has a birthmark.

PETER:
Does it have his address on it?

INT. PERUVIAN EMBASSY - ROOM

MIKE:
Give me that!

DAVY:
Hey, come on! I’m famished; I haven’t eaten since breakfast.

PERUVIAN CHEMIST:
Heh heh heh heh heh heh.

DAVY:
Heh, come on, give it me!

MAX:
Prince Ludlow, when you are ready for your fencing lesson, we will begin.

DAVY:
Oh, don’t worry; I was quite a fencer at school. I’ll tell you what we’re gonna do, Max. Like Cyrano, I’ll compose a poem as I duel, and on the last line, I’ll get ya. En garde!
The boy stood on the burning deck
He didn’t think he oughta
He took his shoes and stockings off
And his feet were in the water
Longfellow.

[Davy and Max’s swords fall to the ground. Davy takes Max’s sword.]

DAVY:
Oh, thank you very much. I’ll take this one. Are you ready, Max? Let’s try it again. En garde!

MAX:
Eh, you will forgive me, your highness, but, uh, I have some urgent business to attend to. Your highness.

DAVY:
Now, what was wrong with him? I wasn’t gonna hurt him. I was just gonna go up to him. I was gonna stick him. [Davy stabs a plant with his sword. The plant faints.]

INT. PERUVIAN EMBASSY - BALLROOM

MIKE:
You know, Count Myron is very uptight about this whole thing. We gotta act very fast. Uh, you know what to do when Wendy gets here?

COURTIER:
Miss, uh, Wendy Forsythe.

DAVY:
Miss Forsythe, uh, I mean, Wendy, will you marry me?

MIKE:
Ooh, that’s fast!

DAVY:
Oh, shut up!

WENDY:
Why, yes! Oh, yes, I will!

MIKE:
Uh, go get the c—uh, go find, um, um—summon the count!

WENDY:
Ludlow, I’m so happy. There’s no one in the world like you.

MIKE:
I wouldn’t be too sure about that.

DAVY:
Heh heh, shut up, Mike.

DAVY:
Count Myron, Miss Forsythe and I wish to be married at once. The reception will be held at the embassy this evening. Now, if you have no further questions, please get out of here and see to it.

WENDY:
Ooh!

MIKE [on the phone]:
Hello, hello, hello? Yes, can you—I said, can you get—can you please get me—can you get me Micky Dolenz, please? Hey, Micky? This is Mike. Yeah, look, uh, get Ludlow ready about eight o’clock tonight and get him down here. Uh, no, nothing special; he’s just gonna get married. Okay, buddy. Bye.

INT. PERUVIAN EMBASSY - BALLROOM

MIKE:
Your sash is crooked.

DAVY:
You’re not my real mother!

MIKE:
Will you please relax, man? You’re not the one getting married.

DAVY:
Yeah, but suppose Ludlow doesn’t show up on time; I might end up marrying a beautiful girl and ruining a nation of millions.

MYRON:
Your highness? Your highness.

DAVY:
Is everything ready?

MYRON:
Yes, absolutely everything. Max, bring them in. You didn’t think you could carry off this childish charade? Throw the prince into the dungeon.

LUDLOW:
Wait! There’s been something I’ve been wanting to tell you for a long time, Count Myron. You’re a pompous windbag, a funk, and a pony!

MICKY:
A funk and a pony?

MYRON:
Now, all you wretched boys will leave this embassy and never return, and if you say anything about what you’ve seen, you will live to regret it.

MIKE:
Oh, we’re not going anywhere; we’re staying right here.

MICKY:
No way, baby! Mm-mm!

MYRON:
If you don’t leave, then I will be forced to have you killed.

MICKY:
Ha ha ha ha! If that’s the way you feel about it—you know a good restaurant?

MYRON:
Out! And now, Max, shall we attend to our wedding guests, hm? Hm!

INT. PERUVIAN EMBASSY - BALLROOM

MYRON:
I told you: wrong door! Ahem, may we have your attention, please? I have a communication here from the prince. He has been summoned to Peruvia on pressing affairs of state.

COURTIER:
Before he could even say, “I do,” he didn’t.

MYRON:
So, I’m sorry to report the ceremony cannot take place.

DAVY:
Oh, yes it can; I’m here. [to Mike] Now you better keep stalling the ceremony ’til Micky can get Ludlow out of the dungeon.

CARDINAL:
Come, my boy; we must proceed with the ceremony.

INT. PERUVIAN EMBASSY - DUNGEON

LUDLOW:
Mr. Jailer? Would you abandon your prince in a moment of need?

JAILER:
Sooner.

LUDLOW:
Well, if you free me, I’ll give you this trinket. It-it’s been in our family for generations.

JAILER:
What is it?

LUDLOW:
It’s a letter of credit.

INT. PERUVIAN EMBASSY - DUNGEON

MICKY:
Hi there, Mr. Jailer! Hi! Did you see Road to Morocco?

JAILER:
No.

MICKY:
Oh. Let’s try it.

MICKY, PETER:
Paddy cake, paddy cake, baker’s man
Bake me a cake as fast as you—

[Micky and Peter punch the Jailer.]

PETER:
Come on! Come on!

INT. PERUVIAN EMBASSY - BALLROOM

CARDINAL:
And so I say, if any man among us has any reason that these two should not be joined in holy matrimony, let him speak now or forever hold his peace.

MIKE:
Hold it! Hold it just a minute! Hold it! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I have a, I have a reason. I’m kind of an honest and straight-forward guy, and-and you ask, you ask me, you ask me if I have a reason? Well, I don’t, I don’t see, I don’t see any sense in beating around the bush anymore! I do and I don’t.

CARDINAL:
We will proceed with the ceremony.

LUDLOW:
Wait! Wait! I’m the real Prince Ludlow, and-and I’ll marry the girl.

MICKY:
Right! Hey, baby, come on, ??? yeah! ??? Come on, baby. ???

MYRON:
Max, stop him!

“Mary, Mary”

LUDLOW:
Arrest those men!

MICKY:
Come on! Move out, big fella! Alright now, say bye-bye!

PETER:
Bye-bye!

MICKY:
Not you!

DAVY:
Do you think she’ll be alright with Ludlow? After all, it was me she was in love with.

MIKE:
Well, I’ll tell you, Davy. You know, there was a wise old man, lived about five thousand years ago.

DAVY:
Really?

MIKE:
His name Ling-Fu Yang.

DAVY:
Oh.

MIKE:
And he once said, he said, “If apple seed turns to wing, it’ll fly away a beautiful butterfly. But if a butterfly turns into apple seed, it’ll just lay there on the ground.” That’s what Ling-Fu Yang said five thousand years ago.

DAVY:
Oh, really? What does that mean?

MIKE:
I just don’t have any idea.

DAVY:
Oh.

INT. THE PAD

MICKY:
Hey, that Ludlow’s doing alright. You know, I can tell who’s gonna wear the pants in that family.

PETER:
With a figure like Wendy’s, I hope it’s her.

MICKY:
Heh heh heh. Hey, uh, Dave, look at this. Dave? Uh, look at this.

MIKE:
Hey. Hey! You’re not hung up on that chick, are you?

DAVY:
What? Are you joking? I wasn’t cut out to lead a double life; I can’t even lead a single one.

MICKY:
No, of course not. Hey, look at this, it says she’s, uh, going to, uh, the University of Peruvia to work on her doctor’s thesis.

PETER:
Why can’t her doctor work on his own thesis?

MIKE:
I don’t care what you say; I still think you were hung up on that girl, and I know that it’s a drag for her to run off with Ludlow, but, um, everything doesn’t go alright all the time, so, you know, what can you do?

GIRL:
Excuse me, I’m from the Teen Tale magazine, and I’m looking for The Monkees.

DAVY:
Oh, really? Yeah, uh, why don’t you come in?