“Monkee See, Monkee Die” Script

Teaser

INT. THE PAD

BABBIT (O.S.):
Hey, you guys! Let me in there, or I’ll break down the door!

MIKE:
Got a way with words.

BABBIT (O.S.):
I. Am. Kicking. You. Out!

DAVY:
Hey, what’s the matter? We paid the rent the first of September.

BABBIT:
Yeah, but that was for July!

MIKE:
Okay, look. We’ll pay you the rent as soon you fix the things you promised to fix.

BABBIT:
Fix? What, fix? This place, this place is like a castle.

MIKE:
Yeah, well, okay, in this castle, the moat overflows.

MICKY:
The, uh, roof leaks.

PETER:
Yeah, the plaster’s falling.

DAVY:
Yeah, and the phone doesn’t work.

BABBIT:
Guys, I am through being Mr. Nice Guy. My lawyer’s on his way over! And he’s coming here with dispossess papers, and then: Out. You. Go!

PETER:
Dispossess papers?

DAVY:
What’re we gonna do?

MIKE:
When the lawyer gets here, we don’t have to be here. When he asks for The Monkees, all we have to say is—

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
Who?

MCQUINNEY:
The Monkees.

MIKE:
No, no, never heard of ’em.

MCQUINNEY:
Well, they’re supposed to be at this address; I gotta see ’em ’bout a legal matter.

MICKY:
Taxi, sir?

MCQUINNEY:
Who are you?

MICKY:
I’m the twenty-three hour doorman.

MCQUINNEY:
What?

MICKY:
I used to be the twenty-four hour doorman, but I couldn’t take the long hours.

PETER:
Your TV’s working, mister.

MIKE:
Is the TV working?

PETER:
It’s working so hard, it’s tired! Ha ha!

MCQUINNEY:
Well, if you do run across The Monkees, tell ’em to be at Cunningham Island tonight at nine.

MIKE:
You betcha, big fella.

MCQUINNEY:
Quiet! They’ve been left, uh, an legacy by an eccentric millionaire.

MICKY:
Eccentric millionaire. Eccentric millionaire?!

MIKE:
Wait a minute! Sir, um, you see, we really are The Monkees.

MCQUINNEY:
Oh, I understand. Now, now everything’s perfectly clear. You were just pretending to be someone else.

DAVY:
Yeah, you know, we were just kidding around.

MCQUINNEY:
Yeah, of course I know. Uh, do me one favor, please?

MICKY:
Anything.

MCQUINNEY:
If you do run across The Monkees, tell them I called.

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

Act One

INT. CUNNINGHAM MANOR - ENTRANCE

MIKE:
Well, uh, it’s a little gloomy, but, uh, we could probably work wonders with just a few geraniums.

MICKY:
Uh-huh. You decorate; I’m leaving.

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
Ah! Ah!

RALPH:
How do you do, gentlemen? You’re just in time for the reading of the will. I am Ralph, butler to the late John Cunningham.

MIKE:
Uh, excuse me, Ralph. You know, we really don’t even know why we’re here. Uh, I don’t even think that we ever even met the late Mr. John Cunningham, I mean, even when he was early.

RALPH:
Ah, but you did, sir. A long time ago, you returned a wallet to Mr. Cunningham containing six hundred dollars; he always appreciated that.

MICKY:
Ah, ’cause it showed our honesty.

RALPH:
Oh no, sir; because it wasn’t his wallet.

INT. CUNNINGHAM MANOR - ROOM

RALPH:
That is Madame Roselle, the late Mr. Cunningham’s spiritualist. She reads minds, tells fortunes, reads palms.

MIKE:
Wanna read my palm?

MICKY:
Nah, I’ll wait ’til they make it into a movie.

ROSELLE:
How do you do? You’re very happy to meet me.

MIKE:
Uh, yes, ma’am, we are. Uh, listen, can you really and truly—

ROSELLE:
Can I read minds and tell the future, you were about to say. Yes, I can. For example, mm… gonna have snow tomorrow.

RALPH:
Mr. Harris Kingsley, the late Mr. Cunningham’s traveling companion.

KINGSLEY:
Perhaps you’ve read some of my books. Twelve Walking Tours Through the Sahara?

PETER:
No, I don’t—

KINGSLEY:
Beverly Hills on Five Shillings a Day?

PETER:
I’m afraid I—

RALPH:
Miss Ellie Reynolds, the late Mr. Cunningham’s grandniece.

MIKE:
Davy.

MICKY:
Davy.

MIKE:
[whistles] Davy.

MICKY:
Davy.

MIKE:
Uh, look, statistics prove that two out of three teenage marriages end in divorce.

MICKY:
Uh, three out of three!

MIKE:
Four-four of three!

MICKY:
He’s in love.

MIKE:
Yeah, for the very first time today.

KINGSLEY:
Who’s Whom on Ellis Island?

PETER:
No, I don’t think so.

KINGSLEY:
Utica City on the Moon?

PETER:
No. I’m afraid I didn’t.

RALPH:
Ladies and gentlemen, I should like to play the will.

DAVY:
Play the will?

RALPH:
The late Mr. Cunningham recorded his will on a phonograph record.

MIKE:
It’ll never sell.

MICKY:
How ’bout the flip side?

RALPH:
The voice of the late John Cunningham.

CUNNINGHAM (V.O.):
This is a recording. I’m sorry I can’t be with you, but I’m dead, and well, what can I say except wish you were here. Ha ha ha.

KINGSLEY:
I wish he’d cut to the part about my inheriting the mansion.

ROSELLE:
You inheriting the mansion? The mansion is to be mine. Wait, let me check. Yes, yes, that’s right. The mansion is to be mine.

CUNNINGHAM (V.O.):
To The Monkees, I leave the library organ, with the stipulation that they play one song on it.

MICKY:
Oh, groovy.

CUNNINGHAM (V.O.):
Now the moment you’ve all been waiting for. I leave my mansion and everything contained within it to Miss Ellie Reynolds.

KINGSLEY:
Ellie Reynolds?!

CUNNINGHAM (V.O.):
Shut up, Kingsley! With the stipulation that before she decides whether she wishes to keep it, she spends one night in the mansion.

MIKE:
Uh, let’s, uh, let’s just play the organ.

MICKY:
Good idea. Well, bye there.

“Last Train to Clarksville”

INT. CUNNINGHAM MANOR - ROOM

MIKE:
Uh, well, look, um, I hate to inherit and run.

MICKY:
Oh!

RALPH:
I’m sorry, gentlemen, but no one can leave the island before morning. The last ferry has been canceled due to the fog; it’s the middle of our foggy season.

MIKE:
Foggy season? What are ya—foggy season? When is that?

RALPH:
It’s hard to estimate, sir. I’d say approximately from eighteen hundred and twenty to nineteen hundred and seventy-five. Now, gentlemen, if I may show you to your room.

INT. CUNNINGHAM MANOR - BEDROOM

PETER:
Ah!

MIKE:
Oh!

PETER:
Boy, is it spooky in here. You scared?

MIKE:
Well, yes and no. A-ha. Mostly yes.

MICKY, PETER:
Ah!

MICKY:
Don’t do that! Come to bed.

MIKE:
Hey, look, Micky, just turn the light back on for a minute. Now look, if we’re going to get any sleep, one of us is gonna have to stand watch.

DAVY:
That’s a good idea. Now let’s choose for it.

MICKY:
Yeah. Okay?

DAVY:
Ready? One, two, three, shoot. One, two, three, shoot. One, two, three, shoot.

INT. CUNNINGHAM MANOR - UPSTAIRS HALL

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
[screaming]

ROSELLE:
I just had a vision about the butler. Either he’s going to take a long, pleasant journey and enjoy good fortune, or he’s dead.

MICKY:
Well, which is it?

ROSELLE:
Six of one, half a dozen of the other.

MIKE:
Out there! Come on!

INT. CUNNINGHAM MANOR - ROOM

MICKY:
Hey, it looks like someone’s been murdered.

MIKE:
Hey. Hey, where’s Ralph?

KINGSLEY:
He’s gone!

ELLIE:
Someone call police.

MIKE:
Yeah, the police! Hello, operator? Operator, get me the police. We need—ah, hello, operat—hello? Hello, operator. Hello, hello. The wires have been cut. Ha ha.

PETER:
They’ve been tied in a bow.

MICKY:
Well, at least, we know that the, uh, murderer is very neat.

ELLIE:
Davy, a murderer loose.

ROSELLE:
Young lady, I wouldn’t be in your shoes for anything. This house is full of nothing but e-vil.

KINGSLEY:
You look tired, my dear. Come, let me take you to your room.

DAVY:
Are you sure you’re going to be alright, Ellie?

ELLIE:
I’ll be okay. Don’t-don’t worry.

MICKY:
Hey Davy! Come here. Take a look at this. Yes. And so you see, if you examine the angle of the blade, you will notice that it is precisely two centimeters north of the standard control latitude, proving conclusively that the murderer was, indeed, a man.

DAVY:
Could it have been a woman?

MICKY:
Yes, that is another possibility.

DAVY:
Well, then, would you say that Ralph—

MICKY:
Which one’s Ralph?

DAVY:
The victim.

MICKY:
Oh ho! Good work, Watson.

ELLIE (O.S.):
No!

DAVY:
What was that?

MICKY:
A, uh, C-sharp.

ELLIE (O.S.):
No!

DAVY:
Ellie!

INT. CUNNINGHAM MANOR - ENTRANCE

ELLIE:
No!

KINGSLEY:
Dining Out In Greenland?

ELLIE:
No!

KINGSLEY:
Perfect Spots Along the Ganges?

ELLIE:
No!

KINGSLEY:
Philadelphia: Where To Find It?

ELLIE:
No!

DAVY:
Okay, Kingsley, the chapter’s over.

KINGSLEY:
Ha ha.

INT. CUNNINGHAM MANOR - BEDROOM

MICKY:
Man, there gotta be a way we can get a message outta here. Hey, what are you doing, Mike?

MIKE:
I’m putting out a few breadcrumbs here on the windowsill. Um, I figure it will attract a carrier pigeon, and we can get a message out.

MICKY:
Uh-huh. Okay.

MIKE:
Now then, let’s see. All we got to do is strap a message to its leg, and w—um, there’s already a message here strapped to its leg.

PETER:
What does it say?

MIKE:
It says, “Please don’t strap a message to my leg; I am not a carrier pigeon”.

INT. CUNNINGHAM MANOR - BEDROOM

MIKE:
Here, boy! Come on, big fella! Here, boy! Here, boy!

PETER:
Hey, where’d you get the bones?

MIKE:
Oh, I found ’em in the closet.

MICKY:
What are they supposed to do?

MIKE:
Well, I figured they’d attract a Saint Bernard, man, and then we can get him to deliver the message.

MICKY:
Uh-huh.

PETER:
Yeah.

MICKY:
I’ll believe it when I see it. I believe it.

MIKE:
Uh, now, see, uh, all we gotta do is, uh, is put a message around its neck, and we can get him to d—um, he’s already got a message around his neck.

DAVY:
Hey, what does it say?

MIKE:
“There is a message for you on the pigeon.”

Act Two

INT. CUNNINGHAM MANOR - BEDROOM

DAVY:
Hey, what was that?

MIKE:
Oh, it was just a car, a car back-backfiring.

DAVY:
A car backfiring?

MIKE:
Mm-hm.

DAVY:
But where did it come from?

MIKE:
The next room.

DAVY:
Oh.

MICKY:
Phew.

DAVY:
The next room?!

MIKE:
Well, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Um, we’re probably—look, we’re probably just-just hearing things. Now, we—be very cool, just, don’t panic.

MICKY:
Right, right.

MIKE:
Don’t—

PETER:
Don’t panic.

MIKE:
Don’t-don’t panic. Panic!

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
[screaming]

ROSELLE:
I must warn Mr. Kingsley. I just had a vision. He’s going to be shot in ten minutes.

PETER:
Hey, we just heard shots!

ROSELLE:
Oh, yeah? My watch must be slow.

INT. CUNNINGHAM MANOR - ROOM

MIKE:
And there are two bodies missing. Ralph and, uh, wh—uh, Kingsley.

PETER:
Say, do you think there’s something funny going on around here?

MICKY:
I think I have a solution.

MIKE:
What?

MICKY:
How many for hysteria? Hands, please?

ROSELLE:
Oh.

MIKE:
If we could only get the phones to work.

MICKY:
Hey, wait a minute—that telephone receiver! Hey, if I take the microphones outta this telephone, hook it up on the amplifying grid on the tubes, I might be able to relay a signal. Laugh, will they?

DAVY:
Are you getting something?

MICKY:
I think so!

MICKY [on the phone]:
Come on! Hello? Hello, hello? Hello?

INT. BOAT

SAILOR [on the phone]:
Yeah, yeah. Yeah?

INT. CUNNINGHAM MANOR - ROOM

MICKY [on the phone]:
D-do you speak our language?

INT. BOAT

SAILOR [on the phone]:
Yes, I do.

INT. CUNNINGHAM MANOR - ROOM

MICKY [on the phone]:
Thank goodness! D-do you know how to send an S.O.S.?

INT. BOAT

SAILOR [on the phone]:
Yes, I do.

INT. CUNNINGHAM MANOR - ROOM

MICKY [on the phone]:
Wow, great! What’s your location?

INT. BOAT

SAILOR [on the phone]:
Yes, I do.

INT. CUNNINGHAM MANOR - ROOM

MICKY:
A-heh heh.

DAVY:
Madame Roselle, what do you think we ought to do?

INT. CUNNINGHAM MANOR - SEANCE ROOM

ROSELLE:
Join hands. We are trying to reach the spirit of John Cunningham. He will tell us who the murderer is in his mansion.

MIKE:
What is she doing, mansion and stuff? I never been to this—

ROSELLE:
I gotta have a little silence.

MIKE:
Sorry.

ROSELLE:
John Cunningham, if you are within the sound of my voice, come to us. Mm! Naah! Naaan! I feel a spirit is among us. Are you a friendly spirit? Knock two times for yes, four times for no.

SPIRIT (V.O.):
Knock how many times for yes?

ROSELLE:
Mmm… ahh… are you the spirit of John Cunningham?

SPIRIT (V.O.):
Uh, no, this is his answering service.

MIKE:
Oh, what are ya—answering service!

ROSELLE:
Wait! Wait! We are trying to reach the spirit of John Cunningham!

SPIRIT (V.O.):
I am the ghost of Christmas past.

ROSELLE:
Just a minute—

SPIRIT (V.O.):
Open your heart to Tiny Tim, Ebeneezer.

ROSELLE:
Wait! You’re the wrong spirit!

SPIRIT (V.O.):
Be kind to Bob Cratchit. Celebrate Christmas!

ROSELLE:
Would you please get off the line?

SPIRIT (V.O.):
Remember your partner, Jacob Marley.

ROSELLE:
I’m trying to reach John Cunningham!

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
[gasping]

MICKY:
The lights! The lights! Where’d they go?

PETER:
Someone turned on the dark!

MIKE:
What happened to the lights?

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
[gasping]

MIKE:
Madame Roselle!

DAVY, ELLIE, MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
She’s gone!

INT. CUNNINGHAM MANOR - ENTRANCE

DAVY:
We’re the only ones left.

ELLIE:
I couldn’t spend another moment in this house. I never want to see it as long as I live.

DAVY:
Now don’t worry, Ellie. We’ll wait outside with you until the ferry comes; it shouldn’t be too long.

MIKE:
Hey, listen, why don’t we go outside, and we can play a little music; that oughta cheer us up. Come on.

EXT. CUNNINGHAM MANOR

MIKE:
Well, it doesn’t look as scary as it did last night.

“Tomorrow’s Gonna Be Another Day”

EXT. CUNNINGHAM MANOR

MIKE:
Everybody feel better now?

DAVY, ELLIE, MICKY, PETER:
No. Mm-mm.

INT. CUNNINGHAM MANOR - ROOM

KINGSLEY, RALPH, ROSELLE:
Ha ha ha ha.

INT. CUNNINGHAM MANOR - ROOM

ROSELLE:
Well, we finally scared that little mouse away.

RALPH:
It-it certainly took long enough.

INT. CUNNINGHAM MANOR - ENTRANCE

DAVY:
Hey. Micky, do you have still have those knock-out pills you’re experimenting on?

MICKY:
Yeah, but the experiment’s not complete yet.

DAVY:
It will be soon.

INT. CUNNINGHAM MANOR - ROOM

RALPH:
I propose a toast to us: the new owners of Cunningham Manor.

KINGSLEY:
Here, here!

KINGSLEY, RALPH, ROSELLE:
Ha ha ha ha.

INT. CUNNINGHAM MANOR - ENTRANCE

MIKE:
Okay, the pills are in.

INT. CUNNINGHAM MANOR - ENTRANCE

PETER:
Hey, man, where is everybody?

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE:
Shh! Quiet!

RALPH:
Who’s there?

PETER:
Ralph, here? Stop or I’ll shoot. Okay, you asked for it. Cssh! Hey, I may have something here! Cssh!

KINGSLEY:
Ooh!

PETER:
Cssh!

DAVY:
It’s like the last act of Hamlet.

ELLIE:
They’re still alive!

PETER:
You’re looking at the fastest hand in the west.

DAVY:
So you see, Ellie, they were making the weird noises all the time just to get rid of you, and we thought they were ghosts.

MICKY:
You were worried about ghosts? I wasn’t worried. Were you worried? Pshaw!

DAVY:
Come off it, you said they were ghosts when we first got here. You said there’s ghosts all over the place.

SPIRIT (V.O.):
Keep the spirit of Christmas, Ebeneezer!

DAVY, ELLIE, MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
[screaming]

SPIRIT (V.O.):
Wait! Wait! Come back!

EXT. CUNNINGHAM MANOR

SPIRIT (V.O.):
Wait! Come back!

Tag

INT. CUNNINGHAM MANOR - ENTRANCE

DAVY:
So then we put Micky’s knockout drops in the wine decanter, and that was that.

COP:
You boys have been through a lot. But, as long as you’re all okay.

KINGSLEY:
[moans]

COP:
You’ve done alright. Think one of them’s ready to talk now. You’re all free to go. Come on, guys.

KINGSLEY:
Perhaps you’ve read some of my books. Akron: The City Behind the Myth? A Teenager’s Guide to Tijuana? Twelve Walking Tours Through the Sahara?

COP:
No.

KINGSLEY:
South Dakota: Fact or Fiction?

COP:
No.

KINGSLEY:
Beverly Hills on Five Shillings a Day?

COP:
No.

KINGSLEY:
Utica City on the Moon?