“I’ve Got a Little Song Here” Script

INT. THE PAD

MICKY:
Hey, get the door.

MIKE:
I’ll get it.

BOBBY:
Hi, Mike.

MIKE:
Hey, Bobby, how’s it going, buddy?

BOBBY:
Alright.

MIKE:
Hey, there’s a free booklet to Mr. Peter Tork from Hercules Bodybuilding School.

PETER:
Bodybuilding? Who needs that? Ooh!

MICKY:
Heh heh.

MIKE:
This looks important. It says, “Congratulations, because of your unusual taste and achievements, you have been selected for this exclusive offer.”

MICKY:
That’s for you, Mike?

MIKE:
Well, yeah, it’s “Dear occupant”.

MICKY:
Huh.

MIKE:
“Bring us your songs, and let us start you off on a profitable new career. High Class Music Publishers.” That sound like a bad idea. I may bring ’em my song.

DAVY:
Hey, you wrote a song, Mike?

MIKE:
Well, you know, yeah, kinda.

PETER:
Hey! Mike’s a songwriter!

MICKY:
Oh, baby! Through the years, my partner and I have written many of the songs that kept America tapping its feet. In nineteen fifty-two, all America was humming this never-to-be-forgotten hit… what was the name of that hit? Oh, never mind, it doesn’t matter! And then, our three most recent favorites, “I’ll Never Stop Loving Louisa”, “I’ll Never Stop Kissing Lucille”, and “I’m All Turned On About Tina”. And then, our most recent hit, “I’ve Got that Rundown Feeling”.

MIKE:
Okay, you guys go ahead and laugh. Songwriting is a million dollar business; you’ll see.

BOBBY:
Oh, Mike, I forgot to tell ya, there’s six cents due on that letter.

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

INT. HIGH CLASS MUSIC PUBLISHERS - HALLWAY

OLD MAN:
I call my song “My Funny Valentine”. Heh heh!

MIKE:
Hey, well, I think there already is a song called “My Funny Valentine”.

OLD MAN:
Shh! Do you want to ruin everything?!

CLASS:
You’re next.

INT. HIGH CLASS MUSIC PUBLISHERS - OFFICE

CLASS:
You didn’t come here to exchange pleasantries, Nipsmouth.

MIKE:
Nesmith.

CLASS:
What can High Class Music do for you?

MIKE:
Uh, well, uh, mister, uh—

CLASS:
Class.

MIKE:
Oh, you’re High Class?

CLASS:
No, no, no, I’m Bernie. My brother’s the one who started the business.

MIKE:
Oh, he’s High Class.

CLASS:
No, his name is Irving.

MIKE:
Irving? Well, then how come it’s called High Class Music Publishing Company?

CLASS:
Would you come to an Irving Class Music Publishing Company?

MIKE:
Oh. Well, I have this song here. It’s called “I’m Gonna Buy Me a Dog”.

CLASS:
Oh, a ballad.

MIKE:
No, not exactly.

CLASS:
“I’m gonna buy me a dog ’cause I need a friend now. I’m gonna buy me a dog ’cause I need a friend now. I tried… I’m gonna buy me a… ???”

MIKE:
You don’t like it.

CLASS:
No, I don’t like it… I love it!

MIKE:
You do?!

CLASS:
And you know what else, Nesbin? I’m gonna see that your song gets the Joannie Jans! It’s beautiful, beautiful!
♪ I’m gonna buy me a song—I’m gonna buy me a dog! ♪

MIKE:
No…
♪ I’m gonna buy me a dog— ♪
Joannie Jans?! She’s the hottest thing in show business!

CLASS:
Joannie Jans, in my opinion, is the finest living or dead singer alive today.

MIKE:
You really think she’d dig it?

CLASS:
Do I think she’d—do I think she’d—? You just get me a hundred dollars for legal fees and incidentals, and you got it made, sweetheart!

MIKE:
Oh, a hundred dollars, man, I’m, I’m sorry…

CLASS:
Nestleroad, you’ve gotta have some ambition! How old are you?

MIKE:
Twenty-one.

CLASS:
When I was your age, I was twenty-two!

MIKE:
Okay, look, I’ll get the money somehow.

CLASS:
Good, and remember, someday, you’ll be passing a theater marquee, and there you’ll see it, in neon letters, ten feet high, your name: Mike Nashburt!

MIKE:
Nesmith!

INT. HIGH CLASS MUSIC PUBLISHERS - HALLWAY

MIKE [on the phone]:
Hello, Micky? It’s Mike. Yeah, listen, I’m at the music publishers. He said it’s great, man, he’s gonna send it to Joannie Jans. I can’t talk now, goodbye. Hello, Ma? This is Mike. Yeah, look, I’m at a music publishers, and he said that my song was great, and he’s gonna give it to a big star. Look, I can’t talk now, goodbye. Hello, Mr. Conway? This is Mike Nesmith… ah, no, Mike Nesmith… Nesmith… yeah. Well, you probably don’t remember, we, we met on a bus about five years ago. Yeah, well, look, I’m at a music publishers, and he just heard a song I wrote, and he says it’s the greatest thing he ever heard in his life, and he’s gonna give it to Joannie Jans and…

INT. THE PAD

MICKY:
Well, if your song’s gonna be in a Joannie Jans movie, it’s gonna make you rich.

DAVY:
Hey, man, will you remember us when you’re rich and famous?

MIKE:
Aw, you know I will, Danny.

DAVY:
Davy!

PETER:
Hm, Mike’s gonna be rich! Ah!

“Gonna Buy Me a Dog”

INT. HIGH CLASS MUSIC PUBLISHERS - OFFICE

MIKE:
It’s all there, Mr. Class.

CLASS:
Ninety-eight, ninety-nine… seventy-five, eighty-five, ninety-five. You’re a nickel short.

MIKE:
Well, that’s all the money I got. Look, I even had to pawn my guitar to get that.

CLASS:
You’re a nice kid, right? Let’s call it an even hundred; you can owe me the rest.

MIKE:
Wait a minute. How do I know for sure that Joannie Jans is really gonna do my tune in her movie?

CLASS:
How do you know for sure? Well, I’d bet your life on it. Better still, I’ll call her and prove it to ya.

INT. HARRY’S HOUSE

HARRY [on the phone]:
Hello?

INT. HIGH CLASS MUSIC PUBLISHERS - OFFICE

CLASS [on the phone]:
Hello, Joannie, baby? Bernie, baby.

INT. HARRY’S HOUSE

HARRY [on the phone]:
No, there ain’t no Joannie here.

CLASS (V.O.):
How’s everything down at the studio?

INT. HIGH CLASS MUSIC PUBLISHERS - OFFICE

CLASS [on the phone]:
Yeah, I know, baby. Are you ready to talk turkey about the Nesbaum tune?

MIKE:
Nesmith!

CLASS:
Shh!

INT. HARRY’S HOUSE

HILDA:
Harry, who is it?

HARRY [on the phone]:
Listen, buddy, there ain’t no Joannie here.

INT. HIGH CLASS MUSIC PUBLISHERS - OFFICE

CLASS [on the phone]:
Yeah, I know, baby, it gets me right there too.

INT. HARRY’S HOUSE

HILDA:
Give me the phone, Harry, I’ll get rid of ’im.

HILDA [on the phone]:
Max, I told you never to call me here!

INT. HIGH CLASS MUSIC PUBLISHERS - OFFICE

CLASS [on the phone]:
You bet, baby.

EXT. THE PAD

MICKY:
Man, he gave that guy a hundred bucks. I tell ya, Mike’s been had.

DAVY:
Let’s go up to this Bernie Class’s office and get the goods on him.

PETER:
Yeah, but what can we do?

MICKY:
This looks like a job for…

DAVY, MICKY, PETER:
Monkeemen! Up, up, and away!

INT. HIGH CLASS MUSIC PUBLISHERS - HALLWAY

MICKY:
Now, remember, we’ve got to get the goods on these guys, Pete. Pete? Peter? No, Peter. This, Peter. That’s—no, no, Peter.

INT. HIGH CLASS MUSIC PUBLISHERS - OFFICE

MICKY:
We’ve come to tune the piano, Charlie.

CLASS:
Three guys to tune one piano?

MICKY:
Yeah, well, he does the black keys, and, uh, he does the white keys, and I do the cracks, ha ha.

DAVY:
It’s a very tough union.

CLASS:
It’s over there.

MICKY:
Thanks a lot, Charlie!
♪ Duh duh-duh duh, duh-duh duh… ♪

DAVY:
What you think?

PETER:
It’s a little sharp.

INT. MAMMOTH STUDIOS - INDOOR SET

MIKE:
Uh, pardon me, sir, can you tell me where Joannie Jans is?

PRODUCER:
Huh? Oh, uh, uh, she’s right over there.

MIKE:
Thank you.

PRODUCER:
Eh, eh—

INT. HIGH CLASS MUSIC PUBLISHERS - OFFICE

MICKY:
He looks like a crook, alright. But we gotta get some proof he’s defrauding songwriters.

CLASS:
Dear sir.

MICKY:
Shh!

CLASS:
Thank you so much for your check for one hundred dollars. I found your song to be the best I’ve ever heard since “Hello Dolly”. Sincerely Bernard Class. Put that in mimeo and print me five hundred copies.

PETER:
Maybe he’d like one of my songs.

INT. HIGH CLASS MUSIC PUBLISHERS - HALLWAY

DAVY:
We’ve gotta tell Mike.

MICKY:
Man, I hate to tell him that Joannie Jans isn’t going to record his song.

PETER:
At least he’ll be hearing it from friends.

INT. MAMMOTH STUDIOS - INDOOR SET

MIKE:
Um, pardon me, Miss Jans?

JOANNIE:
Ohh! One of the little people! I’m proud and just a little bit ’umbled to be able to give you my autograph. There, little person.

MIKE:
Uh, thank you very much, but no, no, you don’t understand. I came to tell ya that how I appreciate you doing my song in your new show.

JOANNIE:
Well, I’m proud and just a little bit ’umbled to say… I don’t know what the devil you’re talking about.

MIKE:
Aw, sure you do, you know, it’s kind of a bouncy tune. You’re doing it in your new flick.

JOANNIE:
Oh, a bouncy tune! …in The Wolf Girl Meets the Vampire in the Old West?

PRODUCER:
Alright, alright, Joannie, baby. It’s time for the biting on the next scene.

JOANNIE:
I say, pussycat, do you think the next time you could ask the vampire not to get so emotionally involved?

PRODUCER:
Oh, yes. Well, Joannie, baby, you leave everything me. Uh, excuse us.

MIKE:
No, hold—wait, wait a minute, no, no, um, Miss Jans, listen this is really important to me. Does the name Mike Nesmith mean anything to you?

JOANNIE:
Uh, no, it’s only a rumor. We’re just good friends.

PRODUCER:
Yes, excuse us.

INT. THE PAD

MICKY:
Man, I wish we could have told him. What a crummy way to find out.

PETER:
He’s sure taking it hard.

DAVY:
Hey Mike. D’you wanna go bowling?

MIKE:
No.

MICKY:
Hey Mike, wanna go swimming?

MIKE:
No.

PETER:
Hey Mike, would you like to go to the movies?

MIKE:
Eh, what’s playing?

PETER:
With a Song in My Heart.

INT. THE PAD - DOWNSTAIRS BEDROOM

DAVY:
Well, what do you want to do?

MIKE:
Well, I dunno, I thought I’d just sorta sit around the house and fail.

DAVY:
Man, you didn’t fail; he tricked you!

MIKE:
Well, maybe I tricked myself, Davy. Maybe that song just wasn’t that groovy.

DAVY:
Man, that was a great song! And if that had’ve ever got in a movie, it would have a been a smash hit.

MIKE:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

MICKY:
Hey Mike! You wanna see my impression of the inimitable James Cagney?

MIKE:
No.

MICKY:
Okay, you dirty rat. I’m gonna get you, you dirty rat. Wanna see my impression of Fred Astaire doing his impression of the inimitable James Cagney?

MIKE:
Really, Micky, I’d rather just skip it.

MICKY:
Okay, you dirty rat. I’m gonna get you, you dirty rat.

MIKE:
Hey, come on, Micky; I’m just not in the mood, man.

PETER:
Hey Mike?

MIKE:
What?

PETER:
Mike?

MIKE:
What, Peter?

PETER:
My mother says that you have the best posture of anyone she knows.

MIKE:
Thank you, good buddy.

PETER:
Mike, we’ve decided we’re not gonna let you take this lying down.

DAVY:
We’ve got a plan.

MICKY:
Before we’re through, we’re gonna have Bernie Class patting for your song.

MICKY [on the phone]:
Hello, Mammoth Studios calling Bernie Class. This is M.D. himself.

CLASS:
M.D.?

MICKY [on the phone]:
Yes.

CLASS:
Yes, M.D. Certainly, M.D.

MICKY [on the phone]:
Meet me at the studio in one hour.

EXT. MAMMOTH STUDIOS

WATCHMAN:
Hey, you guys! You can’t park here!

DAVY:
Ready, fellas?

MICKY:
Mm-hm.

PETER:
Yeah.

DAVY:
Lights, camera, action!

WATCHMAN:
However, hold it, no, you’re not allowed here, hold it, hold it.

DAVY:
Oh, he’s quite a killer, eh, M.D.? Trying to keep you off your own lot. Uh, could you step aside please, for M.D.? Thank you very much.

WATCHMAN:
Ah, just a second. I have to phone the front office.

PETER:
No one can tie up the line!

DAVY:
M.D.’s expecting a very special call from Rome about his latest production.

MICKY (AS M.D.):
Oh, baby, it’s gonna be my biggest one yet! Three years in the making… seven hundred and forty cast members, three hundred and fifty crew members, and twenty-two thousand extras.

WATCHMAN:
What was your greatest expense?

MICKY (AS M.D.):
Coffee and donuts.

INT. MAMMOTH STUDIOS - INDOOR SET

DIRECTOR:
Cut! Cut!

MICKY (AS M.D.):
Hm, good angle, good angle, my boy.

DIRECTOR:
You was looking through the wrong end!

MICKY (AS M.D.):
Just checking to see if you’re on your toes; I want him in my next movie.

PRODUCER:
Alright, alright, off the set.

DAVY:
Did I hear what I thought I heard? Is it possible he doesn’t know who you are?

MICKY (AS M.D.):
Please, no names; it will only embarrass him, and actually, it will make an amusing anecdote for my book.

PRODUCER:
Your book?

MICKY (AS M.D.):
Hrumph! My book! I’m writing an exposé of Hollywood: the false values, the phoniness, the fakery.

PRODUCER:
Is it taking you long to write?

MICKY (AS M.D.):
I don’t know; I’m having it ghost written.

PRODUCER:
What?! Who is that?

DIRECTOR:
I don’t know, but it could be… you know who.

PRODUCER:
Not the you know who!

INT. MAMMOTH STUDIOS - OUTDOOR SET

MICKY (AS M.D.):
I don’t like it; paint it red. Take a memo! Going into production for my new film, The First Ten Days of Pompeii. Have the ads read, “You’ve read the book, now see the movie!”

CLASS:
M.D.!

MICKY (AS M.D.):
Take another memo! Have somebody write a book called The First Ten Days of Pompeii.

CLASS:
Sir, it was very kind of you—

MICKY (AS M.D.):
Please, no fawning. Why must they always fawn? Class, I called you here ’cause I want a song for Joannie’s new movie. It’s starring Joannie, Gregory Peck, Elizabeth Taylor, Doris Day, and Sonny Tufts.

CLASS:
Sonny T—? What a production!

DAVY:
It’s M.D.’s first low budget picture.

MICKY (AS M.D.):
The title of the song has to have a dog in it.

CLASS:
A dog sir, but why a dog?

MICKY (AS M.D.):
You, a Bernie, ask me, an M.D., why a dog?

CLASS:
I only meant that—

MICKY (AS M.D.):
Because Joannie plays the part of an animal lover. That’s why a dog.

CLASS:
How about… “I’m Gonna Buy Me a Dog”.

MICKY (AS M.D.):
That’ll have to do.

DAVY:
Who wrote it?

CLASS:
Some kid called Nishwash.

PETER:
Nesmith.

MICKY (AS M.D.):
Never heard of him. I like the title of that song! Class, get me that song!

CLASS:
Yes, M.D. Certainly, M.D. May I call you M?

MICKY (AS M.D.):
No! Get me Nishwash first.

CLASS:
I’ll be back with him in ten minutes.

MICKY (AS M.D.):
Class. Make it eight. Class. What are you waiting for?

INT. MAMMOTH STUDIOS - OUTDOOR SET

MICKY (AS M.D.):
Gentlemen, in a short time, your fortunes will be made. You have a song under exclusive contract, of course?

CLASS:
Sure, M.D., sure. Sign here, kiddo.

MIKE:
I ain’t signing nothing for less than two hundred dollars.

CLASS:
Two hundred dollars?!

MIKE:
Shh!

MICKY (AS M.D.):
Any trouble there, gentlemen?

CLASS:
No, no trouble at all, M.D. Two hundred dollars? Here. Here.

MIKE:
You’re a dollar short.

CLASS:
Well, can’t I owe it to ya?

MIKE:
Look, you’re a nice guy, right? You can owe it to me.

CLASS:
Here you are, M.D. I gotta go and arrange for some promotion. I’ll see ya later.

MICKY (AS M.D.):
Bye, Bernie. Good work, Nishwash.

MIKE:
Nesmith!

MICKY:
Nismoth? Hee hee hee hee.

“Mary, Mary”

EXT. OLD MAN’S HOUSE

OLD MAN:
What is this for?

MIKE:
Well, you see, sir, we were both, uh, taken in by a pretty classy fella, and, um, well, I’d feel better if you just kept it.

OLD MAN:
That’s very nice of you, old boy.

MIKE:
Okay, good luck.

OLD MAN:
Thank you, same to you. Oh, uh, if you are around any time when that new song of mine is being played, give me a call.

MIKE:
Sure. Uh, what’s the title of it?

OLD MAN:
“I Want to Buy Me a Dog”.

MIKE:
Well, that’s that. Huh, Pete.

MICKY:
Pete?

MIKE:
Pete? Pete? Where’s Peter?

DAVY:
Hey. He can fly.

MIKE:
Who, Peter?

DAVY:
No.

MICKY:
A speeding bullet’s much faster than that.