“Monkee Chow Mein” Script

Teaser

INT. CHINABOY CLUB - DINING ROOM

MIKE:
Hey, Peter.

PETER:
Mm-hm?

MIKE:
Everybody knows you’re not going to take egg rolls home to a dog.

PETER:
Who told ’em?

MICKY:
Can’t take him anywhere.

PETER:
Yes, you can; you brought me here.

DAVY:
You know what I like about this place? It’s so peaceful and quiet, you know. Far away from the cares of the world.

INT. CHINABOY CLUB - BACK ROOM

DRAGONMAN:
Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! The plan goes well. The secret formula has been written on tiny slips of paper and placed inside fortune cookies. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

TOTO:
Oh, boy! Is good, Dragonman.

DRAGONMAN:
Who would suspect that customers who dine here at Chinaboy Club are foreign spies who take fortune cookies with secret formula and pass them to Asian masters? Ha ha! Toto, take these outside.

TOTO:
Yes, sir. Yes, master.

DRAGONMAN:
Uh, Toto, remember first rule of our spy organization.

TOTO:
What is that, master?

DRAGONMAN:
He who eat cookie screw up formula something terrible.

INT. CHINABOY CLUB - DINING ROOM

MIKE:
Peter, will you please not take any more stuff, man? You’re gonna get sick.

PETER:
Oh, but I love fortune cookies.

TOTO:
He has cookie! Stop him! Stop him!

PETER:
Mike!

MIKE:
Peter, please, come on.

TOTO:
Get him! Go! Get him!

EXT. CHINABOY CLUB

MIKE:
Woo! Well, I knew we were light tippers, but that’s ridiculous.

MICKY:
Boy, those Chinese were sore at us.

PETER:
Maybe they thought we were Russians.

DAVY:
I wonder what they wanted.

MIKE:
Oh, you never can tell; orientals are a curious people.

MODELL:
Get into that car.

MIKE:
Hi.

MODELL:
One false move, and you’re through.

DAVY:
Hey, Mike. I wonder what they want.

MIKE:
I don’t know; occidentals are a curious people.

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

Act One

INT. CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE SERVICE

DAVY:
Help, help! Oh, Mike, Mike! oh!

MIKE:
Help, help. Oh, help, help. Oh, we’re kidnapped. We’re gonna die. Kidnap, kidnap.

MODELL:
You’re frightened, aren’t you?

MIKE:
Oh, you’re very perceptive.

MODELL:
You should be; making a pick-up of stolen security information is a very serious offense.

MIKE:
What is—pick up of what?

DAVY:
Security information? What’s—

MICKY:
Yeah, I thought this was a kidnapping.

MODELL:
Kidnapping? This is the Central Intelligence Service, and your friend was picked up with a piece of classified information.

MIKE:
Huh?

MICKY:
Oh.

MIKE:
Oh, you mean the fortune cookie. Oh, I could explain that. You see, Peter picks up fortune cookies like that and takes them home and feeds them to a dog we don’t have.

DAVY:
Yeah.

MODELL:
Uh-huh.

MIKE:
Uh, well, what I mean is, I mean, we don’t have a dog, but I mean, Peter, Peter… and he takes them home and puts them…

MICKY:
We really, we don’t have a dog. We wish we had a dog. We have a dummy and monkey. They aren’t really either, but the monkey—the dummy…

DAVY:
No, but he does things like that all the time. He’s always doing things like that, you know.

BLOUNT:
Alright, Modell. Front and center. I’ve got it! One fourth of the formula for the Doomsday Bug. Don’t worry about these kids; they’re clean.

MICKY:
We’re clean. See? Of course, I’m always clean. I have a bath twice a week.

DAVY:
See that?

BLOUNT:
They’re a rock ’n’ roll group called The Monkees.

MICKY:
Sure, we’re The Monkees. We could have told you that a long time ago.

DAVY:
Now, what is this Doomsday Bug?

BLOUNT:
Only the most powerful weapon our chemical warfare branch ever developed. This is the Doomsday Bug.

MICKY:
Uh!

INT. CHINABOY CLUB - BACK ROOM

DRAGONMAN:
The Doomsday Bug! We must get the formula for the Doomsday Bug.

TOTO:
What is this bug, master?

DRAGONMAN:
It is a vicious germ cell with green spots, hairy legs, and two hundred eyes.

TOTO:
Oh, but master, why does bug have so many eyes?

DRAGONMAN:
The better to see you with, my boy. So, Toto, we must find lost portion of formula.

TOTO:
But master, who took the formula?

DRAGONMAN:
The boy with the long hair named Peter.

TOTO:
Oh, that’s a strange name for long hair.

INT. CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE SERVICE

BLOUNT:
We’ve been trying to learn the identity of the big man of the spy ring. Their number two man is a weirdo called the Dragonman.

DAVY:
So, what’s so weird about this guy?

BLOUNT:
Well, he has long hair, wears strange clothes, and uh… oh, well, he’s not really that weird.

MICKY:
No, he’s not.

MIKE:
No, he’s not. Thank you very much, Inspector Blount. We don’t want any part of it. Bye.

BLOUNT:
Alright, but remember this: the Dragonman knows your friend took that fortune cookie, and he may come looking for you.

MICKY:
That’s silly. What is he going to find us for? Silly.

INT. THE PAD

MICKY:
It’s okay; it’s me.

MIKE:
Oh, phew. You know what? I think the inspector was trying to scare us into helping him. I don’t think we’re in any danger.

MICKY:
Oh no? You know the, uh, movie wax museum we pass on the way home?

MIKE:
Yeah.

MICKY:
Was Gary Cooper Chinese?

MIKE:
No.

MICKY:
Then we’re being followed.

MIKE:
Oh, come on, man. We’ve done everything we can. We’re as secure as we can be. Let’s go upstairs to bed.

MICKY:
Uh-huh. Yeah.

PETER:
Oh, Davy. If they kidnap me tonight and kill me, I want you to have my new sport jacket.

DAVY:
Oh, Peter, will you stop that? They’re never gonna kill you. Do you understand? Nothing’s gonna happen to you. Come on. Hey. What color is your new sports jacket?

PETER:
Oh!

DAVY:
Come on.

TOTO:
Get him! Get him! ??? Quick, before the other boys get back! Oh boy, oh boy! Master will be pleased!

INT. CHINABOY CLUB - BACK ROOM

DRAGONMAN:
Very good, Toto. For this, you receive the award of the golden gong.

TOTO:
Oh, thank you, master!

DRAGONMAN:
Ah, Chang. Please to remove hood. What is this?

TOTO:
I do not know, master.

MR. SCHNEIDER:
It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

TOTO:
No golden gong, master?

INT. THE PAD

MIKE (V.O.):
Oh, come on. Let’s go to bed.

MICKY:
Oh, it’s okay, Mike. I’m going to get something for my stomach. A little upset.

INT. CHINABOY CLUB - BACK ROOM

DRAGONMAN:
Now Toto, let us hope you have done your job well this time.

TOTO:
Yes, master.

DRAGONMAN:
Ah, Chang. Take off the hood, please. Grr! You fool! Once again, you have brought me wrong man!

MICKY:
You fool! You have again brought him the wrong one. Bye.

TOTO:
Forgive me, master, but all American look alike to me.

INT. CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE SERVICE

PETER:
It’s all my fault; it’s me they were after.

BLOUNT:
Ha ha, ha ha ha! So, now you believe when I tell you that we are dealing with dangerous, unscrupulous villains.

MIKE:
Yeah, well, we know that, man, but, uh, we gotta do something and fast.

BLOUNT:
Speed is not as important as secrecy. In our business, secrecy is our most important weapon. Utter secrecy.

DAVY, MIKE, PETER:
Secrecy, secrecy, secrecy, secrecy, secrecy.

BLOUNT:
What are you doing?

MIKE:
Uttering secrecy.

BLOUNT [on the phone]:
Hello? Yes, they’ve captured one of the boys, but they got the wrong one. The piece of information they want is in my safe. We’re planning what action to take now. You’re welcome.

[Blount hangs up.]

MIKE:
Who was that?

BLOUNT:
I don’t know. Now where were we?

DAVY:
Are we safe in here?

BLOUNT:
My dear boy, this is a secret headquarters; our enemy doesn’t have the foggiest idea of our location.

BOY:
Shine, mister?

BLOUNT:
No, thanks.

BOY:
Take your picture. Smile.

BLOUNT:
Now then, go home and put your faith in the CIS.

INT. CHINABOY CLUB - BACK ROOM

DRAGONMAN:
Ha ha ha, ha ha.

MICKY:
Hey. Hey, Dragonman. Call off your goon; I don’t like the way he’s acting.

DRAGONMAN:
You’re no Laurence Olivier yourself.

MICKY:
Chang?

CHANG:
Yes?

MICKY:
Don’t do that.

DRAGONMAN:
And now, Toto, for your instructions.

TOTO:
Ooh!

DRAGONMAN:
I want you to find the Monkee, get the cookie, bring the Monkee and the cookie to me. Repeat, please.

TOTO:
I find the cookie, and bring the Monkee—

MICKY:
Uh, no, no, no, no. No, you find the cookie, get the Monkee, then cook the cookie.

DRAGONMAN:
Quiet, please! Look, I write it down for you. I want you to read every word, memorize every word, and then destroy the paper. ??? You don’t read sideways like that, straight up and down.

TOTO:
Oh!

DRAGONMAN:
Alright, now, repeat instructions.

TOTO:
Uh, uh, I cook a Monkee, uh, get cookie?

MICKY:
No, no, no, no. You monk the cookie, cook the Monkee, then find the cookie.

DRAGONMAN:
Shut up, please! Quiet! I repeat for you one more time. Listen carefully. You monk the cookie, buy the turkey cookie. ??? You try the turkey, baste the turkey—b-baste the turkey? ???

MICKY:
Nice try, Dragonman; you want to try it again?

DRAGONMAN:
??? Grr!

INT. THE PAD

DAVY:
Hey, Mike. Mike, it’s a note from Peter.

MIKE:
What does it say?

DAVY:
“I-tt’s my fault that Micky was kidnapped. They wanted me. I’m, I’m going to the Chinese restaurant. It’s a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done before.”

MIKE:
Oh, wow! Look, you call Inspector Blount.

DAVY:
Right.

MIKE:
I’ll get out the car.

DAVY:
Right.

MIKE:
We’ve got to get to that restaurant. Wait a minute. You call the restaurant, I’ll get the car out, and we got to get the call to Inspector Blount.

DAVY:
No, Mike, Mike, listen. I’ll pull the car—

MIKE:
You get the car—

DAVY:
You ???—

MIKE:
I’ll get the restaurant—

DAVY:
I’ll find the car—

MIKE:
We go to the restaurant. Okay. Yeah.

DAVY:
Get the restaurant.

MIKE:
Wait a minute! Micky! We gotta—Mick—Davy! We gotta go—let’s go!

INT. CHINABOY CLUB - BACK ROOM

DRAGONMAN:
I will not go to jail!

CHANG:
Master, master!

DRAGONMAN:
Has Toto returned with the boy?

CHANG:
Better yet, master; the boy has come to us. He is outside in the restaurant.

DRAGONMAN:
So, he has fallen into my crutches.

MICKY:
Your crutches?!

DRAGONMAN:
Not my crutches. My crutches.

INT. CHINABOY CLUB - DINING ROOM

CHANG:
Yes, sir?

PETER:
Uh, I’d like to order from plan A, please.

CHANG:
So sorry. Plan A not available.

PETER:
Oh, well, how about plan B?

CHANG:
So sorry. Plan B not available. Perhaps, plan C?

PETER:
Oh, what’s plan C? No, I don’t think I cared for that a bit.

Act Two

INT. CHINABOY CLUB - BACK ROOM

TOTO:
Oh boy, oh boy. I have him this time, master. I have the right one.

MICKY:
Thank heavens! You’ve come!

DRAGONMAN:
It was a bold and daring move, your coming here.

PETER:
I’d put my arm in the fire for Micky.

DRAGONMAN:
Oh, that’s very specialized work. Uh, Mr. Tork. I am a civilized man who abhors violence. Tell me quickly, where is the information?

PETER:
You’ll never get me to speak.

DRAGONMAN:
Toto! Observe please, Mr. Tork, the lowly ant. He is numerous, he is patient, and he prevails. Ha ha.

MICKY:
That’s pretty good. Heh. You should write fortune cookies.

DRAGONMAN:
Toto, persuade the young man to speak. The ants, the ants!

TOTO:
I know what I shall do, master. I shall take the ten thousand red ants—

DRAGONMAN:
Stop! I thank you to do your fiendish work, but don’t tell me about it. Work.

TOTO:
Yes, master.

DRAGONMAN:
Toto? What is it you do with ten thousand red ants?

EXT. CHINABOY CLUB

MIKE:
Okay, guys, let’s go.

DAVY:
What?

MIKE:
Um, I mean, Davy.

INT. CHINABOY CLUB - DINING ROOM

MIKE:
Hi, there, uh, we’re, uh, we’re from the Pure Food and Drugs Administration. Uh, do you serve crabs?

CHANG:
We serve anybody!

MIKE:
Well, that’s, that may be; we still have to inspect your kitchens.

CHANG:
Oh, no!

EXT. CHINABOY CLUB

DAVY:
That’s the last time I eat in that place.

MIKE:
Yeah, well, uh, they probably serve bad food and drugs, anyway. Heh heh.

DAVY:
Heh heh.

INT. CHINABOY CLUB - BACK ROOM

TOTO:
Bite him, sic him, sic him, make him itch, itch, itch, itch, itch. Itch him, itch him.

MICKY:
Stay.

TOTO:
Scratch him, scratch him.

MICKY:
Stay.

DRAGONMAN:
Stop with the ants. Better yet, the Chinese ice torture.

MICKY:
No! Not the Chinese ice torture!

DRAGONMAN:
Yes, the Chinese ice torture.

MICKY, PETER:
What is the Chinese ice torture?

DRAGONMAN:
A rope is tied around a small ice cube, a razor sharp dagger is fastened to the rope and suspended over the victim’s throat. As the ice cube melts, the dagger comes closer and closer to the victim’s throat. Ha ha ha ha ha! Toto, the Chinese ice torture!

TOTO:
No, master; I cannot do it.

DRAGONMAN:
A-ha, Toto! You have no stomach for ice torture.

TOTO:
No, master; we out of ice.

INT. CHINABOY CLUB - DINING ROOM

DAVY:
A-waiter, please-a! Can a waiter please-a come over here?

MIKE:
Come here.

DAVY:
I would like-a something to eat-a, please.

CHANG:
May I take your order, please?

DAVY:
I’d-a like-a medium-a pizza with-a anchovies and-a-a like a sausage, onions, and a lot-a cheese-a please-a.

CHANG:
But we no make—

MIKE:
Except I would like a large one, um, with prosciutto, peppers—

CHANG:
No, we don’t make—

MIKE:
—and no anchovies, ’cause they’re salty, but I like it very gooey and messy.

DAVY:
And I’d like a medium a-pizza, very cheesy, very…

MIKE:
…I eat it like this…

CHANG:
Please! Please! Quiet!

DAVY:
…and in and out of the ??? the thing—

CHANG:
Our cook no make pizza!

DAVY:
Oh, well, oh, now; we can make pizza.

MIKE:
We’d be glad to!

CHANG:
Oh, no!

INT. CHINABOY CLUB - BACK ROOM

TOTO:
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!

MICKY:
Now, this has, this has gone far enough. Really, we can’t talk because we don’t know anything—

PETER:
Right.

MICKY:
—because we can’t talk, because we’re, we’re musicians, we’re Monkees, we sing.

PETER:
Singers.

MICKY:
Sing. Let’s sing.

PETER:
Sing.

MICKY:
We’ll sing.

PETER:
Let’s sing.

MICKY, PETER:
♪ Take the last train to Clarksville ♪

PETER:
♪ And I’ll meet you at the station ♪

MICKY:
♪ The ice is melting faster ♪

PETER:
♪ The knife is getting sharper ♪

MICKY:
♪ The rope is getting lower ♪
♪ I’ll meet you at four-thirty ♪
♪ Don’t be sharp, oh no ♪

MICKY, PETER:
♪ No, no ♪

DRAGONMAN:
You expect me to believe you make money singing like that?

MICKY:
I didn’t say we made money; I said we sing.

DRAGONMAN:
Oh, so you are nothing but a singing group?

MICKY, PETER:
Right!

DRAGONMAN:
Then we have nothing to learn from you.

MICKY, PETER:
Right!

MICKY:
Nothing to learn at all, no.

DRAGONMAN:
Then I can merely kill you.

MICKY:
Right.

MICKY, PETER:
Wrong!

EXT. CHINABOY CLUB

DAVY:
Time’s running out.

MIKE:
That’s right.

DAVY:
There’s only one thing left to do.

MIKE:
This looks like a job for…

DAVY, MIKE:
Monkeemen!

DAVY:
Up, up and away.

MIKE:
What is this “up and away” thing?

DAVY:
I want to fly man, want to fly.

MIKE:
Fly? Why are you gonna fly, man? The restaurant’s a half a block.

DAVY:
Oh, is it?

MIKE:
Yeah.

DAVY:
We better walk then, hadn’t we?

MIKE:
We might as well walk.

INT. CHINABOY CLUB - BACK ROOM

MICKY:
Before you kill us, Charlie, tell me one thing. Who’s number one? Who is Mr. Big?

DRAGONMAN:
Who do you suppose, my little Monkee? Mr. Big is Dragonman.

PETER:
Oh, well, isn’t that always the way? The fellow you least suspect.

DRAGONMAN:
But I am a civilized man. I offer you, I offer you chance to save your lives.

MICKY:
Oh, you’re a real sport!

PETER:
Hey, don’t make trouble.

DRAGONMAN:
Behind you, you’ll see four doors. Three of them, three, my friends, are marked for sudden death. The fourth will lead to freedom. It is your choice. You have sixty seconds to choose. Ha ha ha. Come, Toto.

MICKY:
Sixty. Sixty seconds.

PETER:
One, two, three. Hey, this is gonna be fun.

MICKY:
It is not any game, Peter.

PETER:
Let’s see what’s behind this door.

MICKY:
No, wait! Just open it a crack first.

PETER:
It sounded alright to me.

MICKY:
Let’s go to this next door; I thought I heard a rattle.

PETER:
Maybe it’s a baby.

MICKY:
Ra-ra-ra-rattlesnake.

PETER:
I’ll bet this door leads to freedom.

MICKY:
Oh. Just in time.

PETER:
What are you, “just in time”?

MICKY:
Well, we know one thing, baby; that’s the door to freedom.

PETER:
Right you are, ha ha ha ha.

DRAGONMAN:
Ah!

MICKY:
Hey, wait! Wait! You said one of these doors led to freedom.

DRAGONMAN:
I didn’t say it positively.

PETER:
He’s right, you know.

DRAGONMAN:
Kill them! The door was open.

DAVY, MIKE:
It’s Monkeemen!

MIKE:
Men.

MICKY, PETER:
We’re saved!

MIKE:
??? Now, like the inspector said, we’ll use psychological warfare. Ha ha, ha, ha ha.

DAVY:
Ha ha ha. Ha ha. Ah ha. Ah ha. Ho ho. Ah ha. Ah ha. Oh ha. Ah. Wah. You’re a nail biter. You’re a nail biter, and your mother never, ever loved you.

TOTO:
You are too short. You are too short, and you have no ear for music.

DAVY:
Oh, oh, Mike! Mike! Oh, help me, Mike!

MIKE:
Yes, I’ll, I’ll handle this. You’re ugly. You’re an ugly person. Ugly, ugly! Ooh, are you ugly! Nobody likes you, least of all me.

TOTO:
Oh!

MIKE:
Nobody, nobody likes you. Take that.

DRAGONMAN:
Enough of this! Get formula for Doomsday Bug.

MIKE:
Oh, what is this formula? I have the Doomsday Bug here. Ha, that is it, the Doomsday Bug. Ha ha. The bug itself!

TOTO:
Oh boy. Oh boy, master, the bug.

DRAGONMAN:
Don’t try to fool me with old bug trick. You have no bug!

DAVY:
Oh, he has a bug. Oh, he has a bug.

MIKE:
That’s for sure. That’s a—

DAVY:
Oh, that’s a bug, see that? A hundred and ninety-nine, two hundred eyes.

MIKE:
Two hundred eyes.

DAVY:
See that? It’s the bug, the bug. Watch this, watch, wa.

TOTO:
Ah!

DRAGONMAN:
Oh, please. You fools, there is no bug!

DAVY:
Oh, yeah, it’s jumping all over him. It’s on him now.

DRAGONMAN:
You fools, there is no bug! Get them, get them!

“Your Auntie Grizelda”

INT. CHINABOY CLUB - DINING ROOM

BLOUNT:
Get ’em.

MICKY:
Bye. Bye. Ha ha. [singing]

BLOUNT:
Good work, men. Good work, men. Good work, men!

DAVY:
What? Hey, hey, come on, now.

BLOUNT:
Good work, men! I came as fast as I could.

MIKE:
Yeah, how did you get here, by ox-cart?

BLOUNT:
No, I came by—

Tag

INT. CHINABOY CLUB - DINING ROOM

MICKY:
How about the, uh, how ’bout the dinner for four. There’s the egg roll and the chop suey and—

MIKE:
Yeah, I’m starving to death, man. You know, I didn’t realize you could get so hungry saving your country.

DAVY:
I come from England, and I’m hungry.

PETER:
Hey, guys, I gotta get out of here.

MIKE:
Why?

PETER:
I have these instructions; I’m supposed to make contact with a tall man wearing a carnation on the corner of Spring and Elm, who will give me a capsule which I’m supposed to take to the railroad station, where a woman wearing a beret will get off…