“Don’t Look a Gift Horse in the Mouth” Script

EXT. BEACH

JONATHAN:
Hey, mister. Do you live around here?

DAVY:
Yeah. Up there.

JONATHAN:
Would you watch my horse for me?

DAVY:
Sure, I’d be glad to.

JONATHAN:
You sure you won’t let anything happen to him?

DAVY:
Heh heh, sure, I’m sure.

JONATHAN:
Thanks, mister.

DAVY:
Hey. Hey, wait! Hey, when you coming back? Hey, wait! Hey, kid?

INT. THE PAD

PETER:
Soup’s on, come and get it. Okay, try it. My own recipe.

MIKE:
Ah, cream of root beer.

PETER:
Mm-hm.

MIKE:
Well, Peter, you’ve reached a new low.

MICKY:
Oh, Peter!

PETER:
Here we go again.

MICKY:
I feel like I’m turning into a savage beast, fit only to roam the countryside in search of victims for my horrible crime!

MIKE:
Don’t forget the bird.

MICKY:
The bird! Faithful bird. ??? My faithful bird, hidden in the countryside, we must fly away! Oh, oh, oh! Ow! Ow!

MIKE:
It’s probably the villagers with their torches.

MICKY:
Right. Oh! Hi.

BABBIT:
Alright. Where is he?

MICKY:
Where’s who?

BABBIT:
Don’t play innocent with me, kiddo. You know who. I heard all that barking and screaming and growling; you’ve got a dog in here. You know my rules against pets; if I catch you keeping a dog in here, out you go.

PETER:
That was no dog, Babbit; that was just Micky.

BABBIT:
Eh?

MICKY:
Yeah. You know, I was doing my werewolf imitation.

BABBIT:
Werewolf?

MICKY:
Yeah, you know, how y-you’re sometimes you’re a werewolf? Yeah, you know, how sometimes you walk around, and you growl, and, you, oh, you know, and you pretend you’re a werewolf sometimes. Pretend to be a werewolf. Well, I was just pretending to be a werewolf, growling around.

BABBIT:
Well, if you were just pretending, okay.

MICKY:
Bye, Babbit.

BABBIT:
But don’t let me catch you keeping a real werewolf in here!

MICKY:
Sure, Babbit.

DAVY:
Hey, fellas. You know what just happened to me?

MIKE:
Uh-huh.

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

INT. THE PAD

DAVY:
Look, I’m telling you, I was walking along the beach, and this little kid came up and asked me to look after his horse, and then he just left. I just can’t leave the horse there.

MIKE:
No, Davy, man, you gotta take him back.

DAVY:
Look, I can’t; there’s no place to take him.

MIKE:
Man, we’ll get in trouble. The landlord was just over here. He was asking a lot of questions.

DAVY:
He doesn’t think we stole him, does he?

MIKE:
Oh, no, no, no. He thinks we’re keeping a dog in here.

DAVY:
A dog? This is a horse!

MIKE:
I know, no, no, he thought he heard a dog in here.

DAVY:
A dog. Now, how can a dog sound like a horse?

MICKY:
Ah, you know, I was doing my werewolf imitation.

DAVY:
Well, I don’t think that sounds like a dog at all.

MICKY:
Well, it does if you, if you do it in a certain way. You know, you kinda, in your throat, you go oh, oh, oh, oh!

EXT. THE PAD

BABBIT:
Okay, you guys, I heard that!

INT. THE PAD

MICKY:
Come on, move, horse!

DAVY:
It’s no use; he won’t move.

MIKE:
Davy, you and Peter go hide in the bedroom.

DAVY:
He already knows about us; it’s the horse we’ve got to hide.

MIKE:
Really, I know what I’m doing.

EXT. THE PAD

BABBIT:
Come on, open up now!

INT. THE PAD

BABBIT:
So, you fellas thought you could pull a fast one on me, didn’t you? Well, never fear, I’ll find him. Here, boy. Come on out now, boy. If you come on out now, it’ll go easier with you. I don’t know where you fellas are keeping that dog, but you won’t get away with it. And don’t think for one moment you’ve got me fooled, because I’ll be back! That’s a horse.

MIKE:
Uh.

BABBIT:
You’ve got a horse in here! What are you doing with that horse?

MIKE:
They really—

BABBIT:
What?

MIKE:
—do look like a horse, don’t they?

BABBIT:
Who? Who?

MIKE:
Uh, Davy and, uh, Peter. That’s Davy and Peter in the costume.

BABBIT:
P-Peter and Davy in there?

MICKY:
We’re going to a masquerade party.

BABBIT:
No!

MICKY:
Sure, we just decided to go to a masquerade party.

BABBIT:
Really?

MICKY:
Yes.

BABBIT:
Isn’t that amazing? You know, with a costume like that, they could win first prize.

MICKY:
Yeah.

MIKE:
Bye. Oh, man, we gotta hurry. We’ve gotta get this horse out of here before he gets back and starts thinking.

MICKY:
Well, come on.

MIKE:
Pull!

MICKY:
Wait, come on. Come on.

MIKE:
Oh yeah. Turn around.

MICKY:
Come on.

MIKE:
There you go. Come on, horse.

MICKY:
Come on. Come on.

MIKE:
Peter. Hey, Peter, come on out of the bedroom. Here, come help us. We gotta get the horse in there.

MICKY:
Move! No way! He’s not coming.

MIKE:
No, wait a minute. Wait a minute, man. No way he’s buying any of this. Uh, look, we still got the horse costume. Why don’t we try that?

DAVY:
Yeah! I’ll get the costume.

MIKE:
Okay, um, why don’t you and—

PETER:
Maybe we can coax it with some food.

MICKY:
Food, food!

MIKE:
Would you like a hamburger?

MICKY:
The horses don’t eat salami!

MIKE:
Uh, the soup. Soup.

MICKY:
Soup. Hey. Over here. Soup.

MIKE:
Here.

MICKY:
Soup.

MIKE:
Y—come on.

MICKY:
Soup. Soup. Here, soup.

MIKE:
Wa—wa—come on. Come on.

MICKY:
Come on.

MIKE:
Come on.

MICKY:
Give him the soup. Give him the soup.

MIKE:
Hey, I think he likes it.

MICKY:
Is he? Look at it!

PETER:
At least somebody appreciates a good soup.

MICKY:
Hey, wait’ll you see a horse change into a werewolf.

MIKE:
Come on.

DAVY:
Hey, fellas, that’s not funny!

MICKY:
I don’t think he’s dead; I just think he overate.

DAVY:
If you ask me, he’s just plain tired. You calling the vet?

MIKE [on the phone]:
Hello, Doctor Mann? Uh, hi, I’m one of The Monkees, and I have a sick horse.

INT. DOCTOR MANN’S OFFICE

MANN [on the phone]:
A monkey? Bothered by hoarseness? I didn’t even know monkeys could talk. Better come right over.

INT. THE PAD

MIKE [on the phone]:
Doctor Mann? Doctor Mann?

INT. DOCTOR MANN’S OFFICE

MIKE:
Doctor Mann?

MANN:
Yes?

MIKE:
Hi, I’m the fella that called before.

MANN:
Where’s the monkey?

MIKE:
Oh, I’m the Monkee.

MANN:
You’re the monkey? Ha ha ha ha. You don’t need a vet, young man; you need a psychiatrist.

MIKE:
No, wait a minute. You don’t under, you don’t understand. I’m not a real monkey; I’m the kind of Monkee that sings.

MANN:
Oh, no wonder you’re hoarse; probably your throat muscles are tired.

MIKE:
No, I’m not, I’m not hoarse at all. I have a horse.

MANN:
Oh, does he sing too?

MIKE:
Um, uh, no, sir. He’s just, you know, he’s a regular animal, except that he’s very sick.

MANN:
Sick? I could probably help him; I’m a veterinarian. Excuse me.

INT. THE PAD

MANN:
You have a very sick horse here.

MIKE:
Oh, uh, Doctor Mann, you don’t understand. You see—

MANN:
Oh, please, don’t explain. There’s no time to waste; I may have to operate.

PETER:
You can’t operate. I’m not a horse; I’m a Monkee!

MANN:
Ha ha ha. Likely story. I suppose you sing too.

DAVY:
Yeah! Both of us in here do.

MANN:
Egad, this is even worse than I thought! This horse not only has delusions of singing; it has a split personality!

MIKE:
Um, Doctor Mann, look, we really do have a horse, and he’s in the bedroom, and if you could just follow me.

PETER:
I’ll bet that’s the landlord.

MIKE:
It’s okay, we’ve got the horse hidden.

MICKY:
Mike, what about the vet? What if Babbit starts asking him a lot of questions?

MIKE:
Yeah, we better hide him too.

MICKY:
Wait a minute. Wait, I got it, I got it. The closet. Peter, you and Davy, um, get Doctor Mann in the closet, and put the horse costume back on. Yeah.

MANN:
Wait a minute. What is all this?

MIKE:
Well, Doctor Mann, there’s an owl in the closet. A sick owl!

MANN:
A sick owl?

MIKE:
Right. In the closet.

MANN:
I can help him; I’m a veterinarian, you know. What about this one?

MIKE:
No, no, no, no, it’s in the closet.

MICKY:
Hey, Mike, wait. I got a smoke bomb up on the balcony; if things get too hot with Babbit, yell, and I’ll throw it down.

MIKE:
Oh, okay, that’s cool. Oh, Miss Purdy. Hi, come in.

PURDY:
Hello, Mike. I baked a cake today and—

MIKE:
Oh.

PURDY:
—you know me, your good neighbor. I thought you boys might like some.

MIKE:
Well, thank you very much. That’s awful nice.

PURDY:
You’re welcome. Yeah, it’s nothing special, but I just thought you boys needed some good home cooking.

MIKE:
Well, that’s very groovy.

PURDY:
Where are the rest of the boys? Where’s Micky and Peter and Davy?

MIKE:
Uh, oh, well, um, we, uh.

PURDY:
Oh! Oh! Oh!

MIKE:
Miss Purdy! Miss Purdy. Oh no. Micky, help! Micky, no! Down here!

MICKY:
Mike, where are you? Mike. Mike. Mike. Mike. Where are you? Oh, oh. Mike. Man, what happened?

MIKE:
Ah, she saw the horse and fainted. We gotta do something, Micky.

MICKY:
Mike, uh, water, water.

MIKE:
Yeah, water, water. Go get some water.

MANN:
Somebody fainted? Make way for a medical man!

PURDY:
Oh!

MICKY:
What’s Doctor Mann doing in the horse head?

MANN:
I’d better take this off. Ah, I see you’re coming around, Mrs. Purdy.

PURDY:
Who are you?

MANN:
I’m Doctor Mann. Lucky I was here when you fainted. I usually don’t take cases like yours; I’m a veterinarian.

PURDY:
A veteri—oh!

MANN:
No offense, madam!

MIKE:
I’m gonna go and get some fresh air in here.

BABBIT:
Ha ha! Just as I thought. There is a horse in here.

MIKE:
Don’t be ridiculous. Are you ready?

PETER:
Ready. Hi, Babbit.

BABBIT:
It… talks?

EXT. BEACH

DAVY:
Hey, kid! Hey, come here! Hey! Hey, come here. Come over here. Am I glad to see you; now you can take your horse back.

JONATHAN:
But I can’t take him back; Jeremy’s your horse now.

DAVY:
My horse? I don’t know what to do with him!

JONATHAN:
Just ride him, like you’ve been doing.

DAVY:
Why can’t you keep him?

JONATHAN:
Pa won’t let me. Says Jeremy costs too much. Says he’s gonna sell him. I bet if you talked to my pa, he’d listen.

DAVY:
Why should he listen to a stranger?

JONATHAN:
I don’t know. You talk good.

DAVY:
Heh heh.

EXT. FISHER’S FARM

FISHER:
Absolutely not. No use to me as a work horse. Besides, too expensive to keep.

DAVY:
How about if we paid the original investment. Would you let him keep it then?

MICKY:
Hey, that’s a great idea.

FISHER:
Fair enough. Animal cost me a hundred dollars.

MICKY:
Uh, that’s a terrible idea.

MIKE:
Look, what if, what if we worked on the farm for a week? That ought to be worth about a hundred dollars, and then we could pay you off. What do you say?

FISHER:
Well, before making promises, I’ll try you out for one day.

MIKE:
Alright, that’s fair enough. When do we go to work?

FISHER:
First thing tomorrow morning.

INT. FISHER’S BARN

FISHER:
It’s Tuesday morning! Come on, I said it’s Tuesday morning, boys!

MICKY:
Huh? It feels like Monday night.

FISHER:
Alright. Come on, boys. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Lot of work to be done! You got to feed the hogs, got to plow the south forty, you got to milk the cows, you got to feed the chickens. Come on, boys. Come on. Come on. Come on, boys. Let’s go, boys.

MIKE:
Come on, we gotta go plow the cow.

MICKY:
Something about… I don’t… I’m supposed to milk the chicken.

PETER:
I think we have to feed the south forty.

DAVY:
Feed the chickens to the cow.

EXT. FISHER’S FARM

MICKY:
Boy, is this great! Do I feel like a farmer!

DAVY:
It’s terrific, man. I feel great!

MIKE:
How about you, Peter? How you doing?

MICKY:
How about it, Pete?

MIKE:
Pete?

MICKY:
Pete?

DAVY:
Where is he?

MIKE:
Pete?

DAVY:
Are you there, Peter?

MICKY:
Pete?

MIKE:
Pete?

JENKINS:
Morning, Fisher.

FISHER:
Morning.

JENKINS:
I hear you got some city slickers working for you.

MICKY:
Pete?

MIKE:
Peter!

DAVY:
A leg. A leg. A leg. A leg. There’s a leg.

MICKY:
Peter! Pete?

MIKE:
Nevermind, Peter. Go to sleep.

MICKY:
Good night, Peter.

JENKINS:
Hey, bet they’ll slop my hog.

EXT. FISHER’S FARM

PETER:
This doesn’t make sense. How can I feed the hogs if there aren’t any around here?

MICKY:
Oh, Peter. Now, why do you think Mr. Fisher taught us the hog call?

PETER:
You mean that sooey-sooey thing?

MICKY:
Yeah, the sooey-sooey thing. Now, see, you yell that real loud, and all the pigs come running over, oink, oink, oink! This little piggy goes to Peter. This little piggy goes to Micky. All the pigs in the world come over right to here. Go ahead, try it.

PETER:
Mi, mi-mi mi-mi mi-mi.

MICKY:
Oh, no, no.

PETER:
I was just warming up!

MICKY:
Watch. Sooey-sooey! Sooey! Sooey-sooey-sooey-sooey! Sooey! Sooey! Sooey! sooey! Sooey-sooey! Sooey-sooey! Sooey! Sooey-sooey-sooey!

EXT. THE PAD

BABBIT:
Okay, you guys. I heard that. Now what have you got in there?

EXT. FISHER’S FARM

MICKY:
Sooey! Sooey! Sooey-sooey-sooey! Sooey!

PETER:
Now, why don’t you try the chicken call?

MIKE:
Hey! Don’t let the chickens go!

MICKY:
I got one! I got one! I got—here, hold it.

PETER:
You know what, it’s just as well the hogs didn’t come.

MICKY:
Why’s that?

PETER:
I forgot their food.

EXT. FISHER’S FARM

MICKY:
Man, I think I’ve had it.

MIKE:
Hog call.

MICKY:
Chicken call.

FISHER:
See if you can’t do this right. Go milk the cow. See that you fill this.

MICKY:
Boy, that just proves how far out in the country we are.

FISHER:
What do you mean?

MICKY:
The milkman doesn’t even deliver here.

MIKE:
I guess, uh, I guess I better go warn the cow. Hey, Davy?

“Papa Gene’s Blues”

MICKY:
Olé! Olé! Olé! Arriba, arriba! Olé, olé! Olé, olé!

FISHER:
Get your things and, and-and get out!

EXT. FISHER’S FARM

DAVY:
Well, we have to go now, Jonathan. I guess we didn’t help much anyway. I don’t know what we can do now. We can’t pay for the horse, and our landlord won’t let us keep him.

JENKINS:
What’s the matter, boys? Why so down in the mouth?

JONATHAN:
It’s my horse, Jeremy; Pa says I can’t keep him.

JENKINS:
Why should you want him anyway? He’s not good for anything except eating.

DAVY:
That’s not true.

JENKINS:
Get yourself a real horse, like my Charlemagne.

DAVY:
Look, I’ve ridden his horse, and he moves along alright.

JENKINS:
Is that right? Just how’d you like to prove it?

DAVY:
What do you mean?

JENKINS:
I’ll bet you a hundred dollars my Charlemagne beats the daylights out of your nag.

DAVY:
We don’t have a hundred dollars.

JENKINS:
How about my hundred against that guitar there?

JONATHAN:
Please, Davy, you could win. Please.

DAVY:
What do you say, fellas? Okay, you’ve got a bet.

EXT. BEACH

MICKY:
Alright, baby. I want you to ride ’em hard, and I want you to ride ’em low, right?

DAVY:
Low.

MICKY:
Yeah. Now listen, I want you to ??? long portion, come in strong. Now, ride ’em low, baby. Gotta get down there low, like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, now. Give ’em a little whip on the side, little whip on the side, baby. Yeah, and then you gotta ride it hard, and you gotta ride it—he might get you in the side there. You gotta watch them turns. Pull it hard on the turns.

MIKE:
Hold it, hold it.

MICKY:
Yeah.

MIKE:
No, no, man, he’s nervous, man, really.

DAVY:
Oh!

MIKE:
How do you feel?

DAVY:
Uh, I feel okay, you know, I just got some sand in my boot.

MIKE:
Oh. Pete? He’s got some sand in his boot.

PETER:
Well, oh.

MIKE:
Sit down on the ground here.

DAVY:
Hey fellas, come on. Do it.

MIKE:
No, just—we can do it. We can get the sand out. Here you go. Oh. You got it? Go!

DAVY:
You’re mad, you all—give me me boot. This is ridiculous.

MICKY:
Hey, come on, baby.

DAVY:
Come here, boy. Whoa. Yeah. You probably got more sense than all of them put together. We’re gonna win, boy, don’t worry.

“All The King’s Horses”

JONATHAN:
Come on, Jeremy, come on!

FISHER:
Go Jeremy!

JONATHAN:
Come on! Come on!

FISHER:
Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on!

JONATHAN:
Come on, Jeremy, come on!

FISHER:
Come on!

JONATHAN:
Yay!

FISHER:
??? Ha ha, never would have expected it from that dead, old horse!

EXT. BEACH

JENKINS:
A fair race; you won.

DAVY:
A hundred dollars.

FISHER:
Thank you.

DAVY:
That should take care of it for a while.

FISHER:
Uh, Johnny sure appreciates this, and, uh, so does his dad. I think I had you boys pegged wrong; I’m sorry. And one other thing too. I want you boys to feel free to visit us.

PETER:
Sure, maybe we can even help with the chores.

FISHER:
Oh, no, no! Just to visit’ll be fine.

EXT. BEACH

BOY WITH CAMEL:
Mister, would you watch my pet for me?

MICKY:
Oh no!

DAVY:
Sure, I’d be glad to.

MIKE:
Davy!

DAVY:
Come on, fellas, hey, hey!

“Papa Gene’s Blues”