“Monkees a la Carte” Script

INT. POP’S RESTAURANT - DINING ROOM

MICKY:
Oh, here you go, Pete.

PETER:
Thanks.

DAVY:
Can I have some cheese?

MICKY:
Cheese down here.

POP:
Peter, get enough salami.

MIKE:
That would make a great sandwich.

MICKY:
Mushrooms here.

MIKE:
Hey, is there horseradish?

PETER:
Hey, back down here.

MICKY:
Horseradish is down here.

DAVY:
Michael.

MICKY:
Hey! Look how early Pop’s dinner tray’s getting here. Business should be good. Good evening, gentlemen. May I show you to your table?

ROCCO:
Blow.

FUSELLI:
Alright, Pop. Get rid of the punks.

DAVY:
Hey, now wait a minute!

POP:
Go and get ready. Here, a person can get hurt, you know. Please! Mr. Fuselli, I told you my restaurant is not for sale.

FUSELLI:
Hey, Pop, would you like to see your mother roughed up?

POP:
My mother’s been dead for the last twenty years.

ROCCO:
Do you think that’ll stop me?

PETER:
Hey, are those guys hoods?

MICKY:
They’re not social workers.

FUSELLI:
You’re a sensible man, Pop. Now I own the joint. Scram. Ah!

DAVY:
Hey, Pop, wait!

ROCCO:
You punks don’t work here anymore. Now get out before I throw you out.

DAVY:
Now, wait a minute. You can’t push us around.

PETER:
Davy—

DAVY:
You’re pretty tough with an old man. How about trying someone your own size?

ROCCO:
There ain’t nobody here my size.

MICKY:
Maybe you should get out of the business.

DAVY:
Yeah. You’re pretty tough with a gun in your hand. You’re pretty tough with a fist in your hand.

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
It is proposed that we do everything within our power to get the restaurant back to Pop.

DAVY:
Point of order. I would like to say that Fuselli is a rough, vicious, mean type of person.

MICKY:
He’s just an average hood.

DAVY:
Now look, I’m telling you, that guy’s tough. He even wears a pinstripe suit.

MICKY:
What’s so tough about that?

DAVY:
It’s got real pins in it.

MIKE:
We have a motion to deal with Mr. Fuselli. Can I have suggestions from the floor?

PETER:
Floor has nothing to say.

MICKY:
Try the wall.

PETER:
The wall says, “Try the ceiling”.

MIKE:
Alright then, it’s voted and agreed that we try and get the restaurant back from Mr. Fuselli.

DAVY:
What vote? Was I out of the room or something?

PETER:
What do we do about Pop?

MIKE:
Peter, get down from there! We’ve already voted.

DAVY:
What vote?

MIKE:
Micky, will you please read him the minutes of the meeting?

MICKY:
A minute and twelve seconds. That’s a new meeting record!

INT. POP’S RESTAURANT - OFFICE

FUSELLI:
Rocco, by the time I’m finished, I will own a chain of restaurants in every major city in the west.

ROCCO:
Good, boss; I get hungry on the road.

MIKE:
Hi. We’re The Monkees, remember?

FUSELLI:
Rocco, hm!

ROCCO:
Boss, there’s a guitar in this guitar case.

FUSELLI:
What do you want?

MIKE:
Well, Mr. Fuselli, we thought we’d come and re-apply for our job.

FUSELLI:
I don’t need no musicians.

MIKE:
Yeah, but the people like us.

FUSELLI:
But I don’t like you.

MIKE:
We work cheap.

FUSELLI:
I’m beginning to like you. Do you wait on tables?

MIKE:
Ah, sure.

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE:
Peter?

INT. POP’S RESTAURANT - DINING ROOM

FUSELLI:
More. More! More. Alright, now take ’em into the kitchen, fast.

DAVY:
Go, baby, go!

MICKY:
Come on, yeah!

DAVY:
Go, go, yes, yes, yes, yes, yay! Ah!

FUSELLI:
Hey, I’m impressed; he didn’t break a dish. You’re hired.

MICKY:
Hey!

MIKE:
Thank you, Mr. Fuselli.

DAVY:
Thank you.

INT. POP’S RESTAURANT - KITCHEN

MICKY:
Hey, way to go, Pete.

MIKE:
Yeah, we got the job.

DAVY:
Three cheers for Peter.

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE:
Hurray! Hurray!

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
Hurray!

INT. POP’S RESTAURANT - DINING ROOM

FUSELLI:
Alright, now that you’re working for me, I want to make one thing very clear. Get uh! You got any funny ideas about the law, I want you should know how we treat people we don’t like. Do I make myself clear?

MICKY:
Oh, yeah? Then maybe we should make something clear. This is the way we treat people that we don’t like.

PETER:
What did I do?

MIKE:
I don’t know, man, but don’t do it again.

FUSELLI:
There’s work to do, so let’s get to it. You’re gonna be chefs, dishwashers, musicians, hat check girls, cooks, cigarette girls. Why are you standing here?

“(I’m Not Your) Steppin’ Stone”

INT. POP’S RESTAURANT - KITCHEN

MICKY (V.O.):
Hey, fellas, this is not gonna work out; we better get some help.

INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT

INSPECTOR:
I want to thank you boys for coming. And if you’re willing to help, we may be able to put Fuselli behind bars, but I must warn you, you’ll be dealing with dangerous, vicious men.

MICKY:
Gee, you don’t look so vicious, inspector. He’s fine.

INSPECTOR:
The only members of the Syndicate we’ve captured belong to the Purple Flower Gang, but we caught all four of ’em.

MIKE:
How did you do that?

INSPECTOR:
We went from flower to flower to flower.

PETER:
That’s beautiful.

INSPECTOR:
But remember, we must link Fuselli to the Syndicate. This may be dangerous; these are violent men.

MICKY:
Well, we’re pretty violent too. You know how we treat men that we don’t like? Watch.

INT. POP’S RESTAURANT - DINING ROOM

DAVY:
We’ve got to get his fingerprints.

PETER:
Is it true that there are no two fingerprints alike in the world?

DAVY:
Right. Come on. Uh, excuse me, Mr. Fuselli, uh, could you please test this wine to see if it’s alright?

PETER:
Is it true that there are no two glove prints alike in the world?

INT. POP’S RESTAURANT - KITCHEN

FUSELLI (V.O.):
Hello, Red? Fuselli. Get in touch with the Syndicate, and tell them I will contact them soon.

MICKY:
Come here, guys, I think I got something hot! Now listen to this.

MICKY (V.O.):
Come here, guys, I think I got something hot! Now listen to this.

INT. POP’S RESTAURANT - OFFICE

MICKY:
This should do it. Once we blow this safe, we should find out all we need to know about Mr. Fuselli. Quick.

MIKE:
Okay. Contact.

MICKY (V.O.):
Hey, we’ll have to make the safe into a desk. Move it over here. Okay, easy, easy.

MICKY:
They’ll never know the difference.

INT. POP’S RESTAURANT - DINING ROOM

FUSELLI:
Boys, the restaurant is closed for business tonight. I’m having a dinner meeting with some very nice people.

ROCCO:
The Syndicate? Nice people? That’s funny, boss. Ha ha ha.

FUSELLI:
Shut up, Rocco!

ROCCO:
Right, boss.

FUSELLI:
I want you to get the place ready. I want great food and A-one service.

PETER:
Ha ha ha, that’s funny.

MICKY:
That’s right.

MIKE:
That’s very funny.

FUSELLI:
Shut up!

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
Right, boss.

INT. POP’S RESTAURANT - DINING ROOM

FUSELLI:
Here, sit down. Sit down.

INT. POP’S RESTAURANT - KITCHEN

MICKY:
We gotta contact the inspector.

DAVY:
Sure, but how? Fuselli won’t let us out in the middle of the meeting.

MIKE:
Yeah, Rocco’s guarding the front door.

PETER:
And the food’ll get cold.

INT. POP’S RESTAURANT - DINING ROOM

ROCCO:
Waiters, service!

FUSELLI:
Gentlemen and lady, the meeting will now come to order. For reasons of self-protection, none of us has ever met before. So, uh, introduce yourselves.

RED:
Red O’Leary, bank robbery and protection.

FLORA:
Big Flora, fraud and extortion.

PADDY:
Paddy the Fix, drugs and, uh, diamond smuggling.

BENNY:
I’m, uh, B-B-Benny the Book, and, uh, b-b-book-making and numbers.

PETER:
Peter Tork, guitar and bass trombone.

FUSELLI:
Shut up. All present and accounted for, except for the members of the Purple Flower Gang. Now, as to the reason for this meeting—

MICKY:
Oh, meeting.

PETER:
Oh.

FUSELLI:
What are you doing? What are you doing? Alright, you kids, out!

DAVY:
Ah, come on. We won’t—come on, let’s—

FUSELLI:
Out! Shut up! I’m gonna kill that little one. Rocco. Gentlemen and lady, I am planning to spread my operation to the north side.

INT. POP’S RESTAURANT - KITCHEN

MICKY:
Listen, these guys have never seen each other before tonight, and the Purple Flower Gang is behind bars, get it?

DAVY, MIKE, PETER:
Got it.

MICKY:
Good.

INT. POP’S RESTAURANT - DINING ROOM

FUSELLI:
Therefore, I am leaving the rest of the city to the four of you. Are there any objections?

MICKY:
Yeah. The Purple Flower Gang objects.

RED:
The Purple Flower Gang? I thought they were away for good.

FLORA:
Hey, if you’re the Purple Flower Gang, why you wearing white carnations?

MICKY:
You know how tough it is to get purple flowers, baby?

FUSELLI:
I thought you guys were in the state pen.

MICKY:
We busted out yesterday.

FUSELLI:
Oh yeah?

MICKY:
Me and the boys sure are tired.

MIKE:
Yeah, exhausted.

DAVY:
Fatigued.

PETER:
And very hungry.

FUSELLI:
Oh, sure. Waiters!

MICKY:
No, don’t bother the waiters—

MIKE:
No, little water here is fine.

MICKY:
Water and bread is fine. I’m used to water and bread.

DAVY:
???

FUSELLI:
What are you talking about? You’ve got to eat something.

PETER:
I’d like a dish of spaghetti like you guys and maybe a side of ravioli with some grated cheese.

FUSELLI:
You want four dinners? Right. Okay, kids, four dinners!

MICKY:
Wait a minute! Before the Purple Flower Gang eats anywhere, we checks out the kitchen to make sure the food ain’t poison.

DAVY:
Right.

FLORA:
I usually bring a dog along to check for poison.

BENNY:
Well, w-w-where is he?

FLORA:
He hates Italian food.

INT. POP’S RESTAURANT - KITCHEN

DAVY:
One of us has got to go and get the inspector.

MIKE:
Okay, let’s choose for it.

MICKY:
Okay, pick a number between one and ten.

MIKE:
Um, fourteen.

MICKY:
Right. Peter, you go.

PETER:
Huh? What about my spaghetti?

INT. POP’S RESTAURANT - DINING ROOM

ROCCO:
Nobody leaves the meeting.

PETER:
Oh yeah? Who says so?

ROCCO:
This gun says so.

PETER:
Oh yeah? Well, this gun says I go.

ROCCO:
Oh yeah. Hurry back.

FUSELLI:
And for you, O’Leary, I got this little corner.

RED:
Just a minute, Fuselli. The Syndicate has always believed in maintaining the status quo, ho ho. Waiter, some water!

MIKE:
I’ll tell him.

FUSELLI:
You want a vote, huh? Okay, O’Leary, we’re gonna have a vote.

MIKE:
Water, sir.

RED:
If we are going to have a vote, get that Purple guy in here.

MIKE:
Yes, sir.

PADDY:
Yeah, let’s have a vote. That’s democratic.

RED:
T’all depends on who’s counting the votes.

FUSELLI:
Yeah.

MIKE:
Okay, let’s vote.

FLORA:
Fellas, before we take a vote, why don’t we calm ourselves down with a toast? Waiter! Some wine.

DAVY:
Eh, I’ll tell him. Here’s the wine.

FLORA:
Thanks, honey.

BENNY:
Hey, th-th-that’s white wine. We should t-t-toast to red.

MICKY:
Uh, that’s a very good year for white wine.

BENNY:
Waiter, r-red!

MICKY:
I’ll get him.

BENNY:
Hey, th-th-that’s pretty good service.

FLORA:
Say, fellas, we could turn the lights down low and vote by candlelight.

MICKY:
Red wine, sir.

FUSELLI:
Waiter, get the Purple guy in here for the toast.

PADDY:
Hey, waiter. I don’t drink. Give me some ginger ale.

MICKY:
That’s not my station.

MIKE:
Man, I hope Peter gets the cops okay.

DAVY:
Stay cool. What could go wrong?

INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT

PETER:
Boy, am I glad to see you.

INSPECTOR:
Grab him! It’s the Purple Flower Gang!

PETER:
Hey, wait a minute!

PAUL:
I thought we had all these guys in the can.

INSPECTOR:
Then this must be another one. You can always tell by the flower.

PETER:
My flower’s white, white!

INSPECTOR:
Don’t try to kid me; I know how tough it is to find purple flowers.

INT. POP’S RESTAURANT - DINING ROOM

FUSELLI:
Since we are all in agreement as to the split, and there is no further business—

DAVY:
Not so fast. I have some more business.

MIKE:
Yeah, so do I.

DAVY:
I’m not so sure you split the city up fairly. Now I think we can be agreed to a man. That includes you too, Big Flora. Now, I think the city should be split up into nine equal parts.

FUSELLI:
Hey.

MICKY:
Fuselli’s trying to cheat you, Big Flora.

MIKE:
Now, Flora should get this here.

FLORA:
That’s right, Fuselli.

DAVY:
Now, Paddy the Fix should get this.

PADDY:
Hey, thanks for the info. Hey, I want that section.

MIKE:
And we can give this to Benny the Book.

MICKY:
Fuselli’s doing you in a double cross.

BENNY:
That’s right, F-F-Fuselli.

DAVY:
And Red O’Leary should get this.

RED:
You don’t say. That’s mine, Fuselli.

MIKE:
So, Fuselli is now left with this. You win. I win.

RED:
Fuselli, you’re a two-timing, double-crossing, cigar smoking rat.

FUSELLI:
Watch what you’re saying, Red; I don’t smoke cigars!

MICKY:
Got you there, Red.

MIKE:
Got you again.

DAVY:
Three out of five.

INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT

PETER:
I tell you, I’m not a member of the Purple Flower Gang.

PAUL:
Look, punk—

INSPECTOR:
Take it easy, Paul. Now, we’re all friends here. Would you like some coffee? Cream? Sugar? Two lumps? Get this young man some coffee.

PETER:
And a cheese Danish.

INSPECTOR:
Talk, punk!

INT. POP’S RESTAURANT - DINING ROOM

RED:
Alright, Fuselli, that’s my territory!

PADDY:
Yeah, and that one right there, that’s mine!

RED:
Yeah!

FLORA:
That’s my territory!

DAVY:
Okay, okay. Wait a minute.

FUSELLI:
What happened to my city? My city! You’re tearing up my city!

MICKY:
Beautiful, there’s a school right there.

INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT

PETER:
Yeah, Seamens Bank job was mine, and the, uh, filling station over on Essex.

INSPECTOR:
Are you getting all that?

PAUL:
Yeah.

PETER:
And the sinking of the Lusitania was mine. Uh, and the Brink’s robbery of fifty-seven was mine. And, of course, the Great Train Robbery was mine.

PAUL:
Is that all?

PETER:
One more thing. Take a letter to my mother.

INT. POP’S RESTAURANT - DINING ROOM

RED:
Fuselli, this room isn’t big enough for all of us.

MICKY:
Agreed.

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE:
We’ll split.

RED:
You heard me good.

BENNY, FLORA, FUSELLI, PADDY, ROCCO:
Yeah!

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE:
Ah!

MICKY:
Man, we’ve got to stop this shooting or we’re gonna get killed.

DAVY:
Hey—

MICKY:
Hold it! Hold it! Come on. The director thought we should have a pretty girl in the show. Thank you, sweetheart. Ah, okay. Let’s go.

MIKE:
Heh heh heh, I won again.

DAVY:
Ha ha ha. Another game?

MICKY:
Five people should be able to get along. Four? Can’t mature individuals resolve their differences? Can any of you talk this thing over peaceably? Now, why don’t you two guys shake hands and be friends?

DAVY:
I won.

MICKY:
Look what you’ve done, Mr. Fuselli; you killed everybody in the room.

BENNY:
You d-d-d-dirty rat.

INSPECTOR:
It’s the Purple Flower Gang.

PETER:
Ah, is the meeting over?

MICKY:
Well, how do you like that, inspector?

MIKE:
Yeah.

INSPECTOR:
You’re under arrest!

MICKY:
Huh?

“(I’m Not Your) Steppin’ Stone”

INT. POP’S RESTAURANT - DINING ROOM

POP:
Play for me, boys. Play like you used to.

“She”