“Monkees Race Again” Script

Teaser

EXT. THE PAD

MIKE:
Hey, Peter, will you come give me a shove?

PETER:
Oh, yeah, Michael, sure, fella.

[The phone rings.]

PETER [on the phone]:
Hello? It’s for you.

DAVY:
Oh. Thank you.

DAVY [on the phone]:
Hello? Yeah. Um, yeah, yeah. I understand. I understand. Alright. Goodbye.

DAVY:
That was, uh, T.N. Crumpets.

MIKE:
Who’s he?

DAVY:
Uh, well, he’s a friend of my grandfather’s, and he’s been winning all the auto racing trophies there is to be won in the world.

PETER:
That’s not bad.

DAVY:
He just said that he needs our help desperately, and—

PETER:
Why call on us, man? We haven’t won an award in years.

DAVY:
Could we get over there, do ya think?

MIKE:
Yeah, sure. We’ll help him. Give me the phone. Start her up. What?

PETER:
He—

MIKE:
Whoa!

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

Act One

INT. T.N. CRUMPETS’ GARAGE

MIKE:
Woo!

PETER:
Oh, wow! Look at that car!

DAVY:
Wow, man! ???

PETER:
That’s a real live automobile.

DAVY:
…fifty-four.

MIKE:
That’s alright.

DAVY, MIKE, PETER:
Ah!

CARRUTHERS:
T.N. Crumpets.

CRUMPETS:
You must be Davy Jones.

DAVY:
That’s right, yes. Hello, pleased to meet you, sir. My grandfather talked of you many times.

CRUMPETS:
Yes.

DAVY:
Uh, you have some trouble with the car here?

CRUMPETS:
Yes, well, you see, I fear some absolute rotter is sabotaging my vehicle.

PETER:
Yes, but are you having some trouble with your car?

CRUMPETS:
Oh, yes, yes. I mean, take a look for yourself.

PETER:
Look at—

MIKE:
Sure, I’m with—I’m for that. Yeah. We’ll take a look under the thing.

PETER:
Yeah, here, let’s find out what’s under the—

MIKE:
Ah!

PETER:
I’ll bet that was the work of saboteurs.

MICKY:
No, my mechanic does that all the time.

CRUMPETS:
Certainly no improvement.

INT. KLUTZ GARAGE

VON KLUTZ:
Alright now. Hm?

WOLFGANG:
Ja.

VON KLUTZ:
Again.

WOLFGANG:
Ja, ja.

VON KLUTZ:
Try it a second time. What’s the problem now?

WOLFGANG:
Same old problem.

VON KLUTZ:
What’s that?

WOLFGANG:
The car shtinks.

VON KLUTZ:
Down, periscope! Ha ha ha! Ah! Memories, memories! Even the periscope can’t forget.

WOLFGANG:
What is it, mein Herr?

VON KLUTZ:
Those young boys. What are they up to? Those are the strangest techniques I have ever seen. Here, look.

WOLFGANG:
I can’t.

VON KLUTZ:
Why not?

WOLFGANG:
You’re shtanding on my foot.

VON KLUTZ:
Dummkopf.

WOLFGANG:
Oh, it must be a trick, mein Herr. Who would be so stupid as to treat a-a machine this way?

VON KLUTZ:
Up, periscope! Ah, ah! Ooh. Ha ha ha ha. They may think they have the upper hand now. We must think of a plan.

INT. T.N. CRUMPETS’ GARAGE

CRUMPETS:
’Tis a big problem. Well.

VON KLUTZ:
Eeins zwei drei vier. Eeins zwei drei vier. Eeins zwei drei vier. Eeins zwei drei vier. Halt!

WOLFGANG:
Halt!

VON KLUTZ:
Up!

WOLFGANG:
Up! Up!

VON KLUTZ:
Down!

WOLFGANG:
Down!

VON KLUTZ:
Sit!

WOLFGANG:
Sit!

VON KLUTZ:
Up!

WOLFGANG:
Up!

VON KLUTZ:
To the right!

WOLFGANG:
To the right!

VON KLUTZ:
To the left!

WOLFGANG:
Left!

VON KLUTZ:
Down!

WOLFGANG:
Down!

VON KLUTZ:
Present arms!

MIKE:
The thing to do is to not let on like anything’s wrong.

VON KLUTZ:
You stay here while I go over there. What are you waiting for?

WOLFGANG:
You’re standing on my foot!

VON KLUTZ:
Oh. Heh heh heh heh. A-ha.

MICKY:
Cough, please. Again.

VON KLUTZ:
So, Crumpets, I see you’re having some trouble with your car.

CRUMPETS:
I see you’re having some trouble with your accent.

MIKE:
Not having trouble with the car. The car’s fine.

VON KLUTZ:
So, why is your engine all blown up to smithereens?

PETER:
Uh—

MIKE:
Because it makes it lighter, you see.

DAVY:
Lighter. Lighter.

MIKE:
It makes it lighter, and it’s easier to race with, you know.

DAVY:
Goes… faster.

MIKE:
Watch this.

CRUMPETS:
Oh dear. Oh—

MIKE:
You take this, you blow it up, and you take ’em off, and you—

CRUMPETS:
Don’t take that—

DAVY:
It’s, uh, excess, you see.

CRUMPETS:
Oh dear.

MICKY:
Ah, beautiful. Thank you.

VON KLUTZ:
Well, how is it, Yankee?

MICKY:
The car’s in perfect tune.

VON KLUTZ:
No, it isn’t.

MICKY:
Yes, it is.

VON KLUTZ:
No, it isn’t.

MICKY:
Yes, it is.

VON KLUTZ:
No, it isn’t.

MICKY:
Yes, it is.

VON KLUTZ:
No, it isn’t.

MICKY:
I’ll show you. B-flat.

VON KLUTZ:
Enough of your musical wisecracks. Hm hm! Ha ha ha ha ha ha. We’ll see you at the race tomorrow, Crumpets. Otto, go!

WOLFGANG:
I can’t.

VON KLUTZ:
Why not?

WOLFGANG:
You’re standing on my foot.

VON KLUTZ:
Eeins zwei drei vier. Eeins zwei drei vier. Eeins zwei drei vier. Eeins zwei drei vier.

PETER:
Well, we really fooled him.

MIKE:
There’s only one problem, you know.

DAVY:
How we’re gonna get the engine back together.

MIKE:
I was just gonna say that. That’s the problem.

PETER:
That’s an excellent—

CRUMPETS:
Glue?

INT. T.N. CRUMPETS’ GARAGE

MICKY:
Okay, try it.

CRUMPETS:
Dear.

DAVY:
Well, it, uh, sure sounds better, Micky.

MICKY:
Yeah. Oh, darn!

CRUMPETS:
Oh, whacko, chaps.

PETER:
Marvelous!

MIKE:
That’s grand.

CRUMPETS:
You know, she’s running better than ever.

MIKE:
Yeah.

PETER:
Yes.

CRUMPETS:
Jolly good show, you know. Let’s all celebrate. Carruthers? The tea.

DAVY:
What’s that?

MICKY:
It’s a drink.

DAVY:
No, I didn’t mean that. Forget it.

INT. KLUTZ GARAGE

VON KLUTZ:
Wolfgang, we must take sterner measures.

WOLFGANG:
Yeah, we should hit them and kick them.

VON KLUTZ:
No. A fixed car is no use without anyone to drive it. We shall kidnap Crumpets and the musical mechanic.

INT. T.N. CRUMPETS’ GARAGE

CRUMPETS:
I say, Peter, would you care for another spot of tea?

PETER:
No, thanks. I have several spots already. A-ha!

MICKY:
Ah ha ha.

CRUMPETS:
Carruthers, spray away.

MICKY:
What’s that?

CRUMPETS:
It’s for atmosphere. Genuine London mist spray. Also comes in roll-on, of course.

DAVY:
Smells like Liverpool to me.

CRUMPETS:
That’s terrible. It’s more like Manchester.

MIKE:
That’s L.A. smog.

MICKY:
Uh, it sure—eh, bleh, oh yeah, eh, eh, bleh.

WOLFGANG:
???

VON KLUTZ:
What?

WOLFGANG:
???

VON KLUTZ:
What?

WOLFGANG:
???

VON KLUTZ:
What?

WOLFGANG:
???

VON KLUTZ:
For goodness sake, I can’t hear what you’re saying! Take your mask off!

WOLFGANG:
I said, I can’t breathe with a mask on.

VON KLUTZ:
Dummkopf! Quick! Some fresh air.

VON KLUTZ, WOLFGANG:
Eeins zwei drei vier. Eeins zwei drei vier. Eeins zwei drei vier. Eeins zwei drei vier.

WOLFGANG:
Over here.

INT. KLUTZ GARAGE

VON KLUTZ:
I suppose you’re wondering why we brought you here.

MICKY:
Ah, let’s see. How about you’re gonna award me the Blue Max?

VON KLUTZ:
Tell him to shut up.

WOLFGANG:
Shut up.

VON KLUTZ:
I think you will be more willing to cooperate if you hear my plan.

MICKY:
Okay.

VON KLUTZ:
If I win the race tomorrow, the name Klutzmobile will be on the lips of every car buyer in the stadium. They will tell their friends, and by tomorrow night, the name Klutzmobile will be known throughout this country, and tomorrow, the world!

CROWD:
Sieg Heil!

CRUMPETS:
I tell you, Baron, this boy’s not a mechanic.

VON KLUTZ:
Now that’s enough out of you, gabby.

CRUMPETS:
Well, I haven’t said anything else.

VON KLUTZ:
What do you think this is? Open end? Gag him.

CRUMPETS:
There’s enough gags in this show already.

MICKY:
Brainwashing, solitary confinement, starvation: nothing you can do to me will make me help you with your plan.

VON KLUTZ:
What about physical torture?

MICKY:
You’ve got yourself a mechanic.

INT. T.N. CRUMPETS’ GARAGE

MIKE:
Uh.

PETER:
Oh.

MIKE:
Everything’s foggy. Where am I? Uh!

CARRUTHERS:
I’m sorry, gentlemen. I made the tea the same as usual.

DAVY:
Hey!

MIKE:
We were doped up, is what we—ah! I just noticed something.

DAVY:
What?

PETER:
What?

MIKE:
Micky and Crumpets.

DAVY, PETER:
They’re gone!

INT. KLUTZ GARAGE

VON KLUTZ:
Well, Yankee, I think you’ll be able to analyze it better if you hear it. Start up.

MICKY:
I seem to have turned on the radio.

VON KLUTZ:
Dummkopf, there is no radio.

MICKY:
How about I seem to have turned on the stereo tape deck?

VON KLUTZ:
No, and it isn’t a stereo tape deck, and it isn’t a live band either. This music is driving me crazy.

MICKY:
Wait a minute. I’ll change it to something else. Ah!

WOLFGANG:
Hm. That’s not bad.

VON KLUTZ:
For radio, it’s not bad. For a car, it shtinks.

MICKY:
Just because it’s different, you can’t accept it!

WOLFGANG:
Mein Herr, look, quick!

VON KLUTZ:
Look! It’s those boys. They’re headed right towards us! Ah! Before I take the gag off, do I have your word as a gentleman that you will not cry out?

[Micky nods.]

MICKY:
Help, help, help, help, save me, anybody, help, save me!

VON KLUTZ:
Why did you do that? I trusted you.

MICKY:
When the chips are down, you can’t trust anybody these days.

MIKE:
Hello, is anybody—

VON KLUTZ:
Get rid of them.

WOLFGANG:
Ja.

PETER:
Oh, look! I think this looks like Micky’s tuning fork.

WOLFGANG:
Halt! Und stop. Nobody is allowed in here unless they are authorized Klutzmobile personnel. Do you undershtand?

MIKE:
Oh, yes.

WOLFGANG:
To be in here, you have got to be a Klutz.

PETER:
But wait! This is Micky’s tuning fork. It’s a B-flat.

WOLFGANG:
Nein, that’s-that’s my tuning fork, and that’s a A.

MIKE:
It’s a B-flat, Pete. You’re right.

PETER:
Yep.

WOLFGANG:
No, you’re all wrong. It is mine

MIKE:
B-flag.

WOLFGANG:
It is an A.

DAVY:
No, it can’t be. Let me see this. You’re right. It’s an A.

MIKE:
It’s a B-flat.

PETER:
It’s a B-flat.

DAVY:
I’m joking. I’m joking. It says right here that it’s a B-flat.

PETER:
That’s right.

WOLFGANG:
That’s the name of the manufacturer. No.

DAVY:
B-flat. Definitely B-flat.

WOLFGANG:
♪ La ♪

PETER:
You know, your pitch is lousy, but you have a pretty good voice; if we don’t find Micky, would you like to join our group?

WOLFGANG:
Well, I-I never thought much of—achtung! You have got to leave the premises.

MIKE:
Yeah, but that’s—I’m sure Micky and Crumpets are here.

DAVY:
Yeah?

PETER:
Yeah.

DAVY:
Well, I’ve had enough of this. I’m going in there, man, and I’m gonna see. Nothing can stop me.

MIKE:
That’s—we’re with you, baby.

DAVY:
Ha ha. Well, it’s amazing how someone can change their mind. Ha ha.

MIKE:
Now hold it. Hold it. Before this scene goes any farther, man. What is this gun thing?

WOLFGANG:
Well, now, now, just a minute, we gotta have the gun. After all, it’s a prop.

MIKE:
That’s horrible, man.

PETER:
Put that away.

MIKE:
It’s bad enough that you’re with a uniform and everything.

PETER:
And all the guns on television and everything. It’s bad enough we have a tuning fork.

WOLFGANG:
??? there’s nothing wrong with a gun.

VON KLUTZ:
I thought I told you to get rid of them.

WOLFGANG:
Ja, but you didn’t tell them.

VON KLUTZ:
What do you want, boys?

DAVY:
Nothing!

PETER:
Nothing.

DAVY:
We were just leaving. We walked in here—

PETER:
Yeah. We’re gonna, uh—

DAVY:
We were going to the, uh—

VON KLUTZ:
Auf Wiedersehen.

DAVY:
Bye.

WOLFGANG:
Auf Wiedersehen.

PETER:
No reason for us to be around here. We’ll leave this place to you Klutzes. Ha ha ha ha.

WOLFGANG:
Herr Baron, they are suspicious.

VON KLUTZ:
What does it matter, as long as they don’t know where the evidence is?

WOLFGANG:
By the way, mein Herr, where is the evidence?

VON KLUTZ:
Ha ha! Follow me.

WOLFGANG:
Ja.

VON KLUTZ:
Fall in.

WOLFGANG:
Ja.

VON KLUTZ, WOLFGANG:
Eeins zwei drei vier. Eeins zwei drei vier. Eeins zwei drei vier. Eeins zwei drei vier.

WOLFGANG:
How clever, baron. You know, I was just thinking, maybe we could trade these two to the Yankees; we’ll get Wernher back.

MICKY:
No, not a chance. Yankees haven’t made a good trade since they won the pennant in sixty-four.

VON KLUTZ:
Wolfgang, we will not trade them to anyone. We will keep these hostages as long as they may be useful to us, and then, when the race begins, and we no longer need them…

WOLFGANG:
Ja?

MICKY:
They will be disposed of.

Act Two

INT. T.N. CRUMPETS’ GARAGE

MIKE:
Well, here we are with a car all finished—

PETER:
This is a car.

MIKE:
—and nobody to drive it.

DAVY:
Hey, now wait a minute.

MIKE:
What do you mean, wait a min—

DAVY:
I’m a British subject.

MIKE:
So what?

PETER:
You?

DAVY:
So, if I’m a British subject, maybe the racing commission’ll allow me to drive the car.

INT. OFFICIAL’S OFFICE

OFFICIAL:
Well, it’s alright with me except for one thing.

PETER:
Yeah, what’s that?

OFFICIAL:
I don’t think he’ll be able to see over the wheel.

INT. T.N. CRUMPETS’ GARAGE

MIKE:
Well, uh, how’s that?

DAVY:
I think I’m a little high.

MIKE:
Yeah—oh. There. Okay. I got it.

MIKE:
I’ll take out from Aaron to, uh, to Ted-Ted Braverman, I guess. Let’s try it. Okay? How’s that?

DAVY:
Yeah, that’s good. That’s great. That’s terrific. I’ll tell you what, fellas. I’m off.

PETER:
Okay.

MIKE:
Okay.

INT. KLUTZ GARAGE

VON KLUTZ:
What have you done? You have ruined my engine!

MICKY:
No, no, no. Nonsense, I haven’t ruined your engine at all. Anything that I take apart, I can put back together. Now do you have any needle and thread? Uh, how about some glue? Have a, uh, some clay? A band-aid? Spit on my finger?

WOLFGANG:
Mein Herr! Come quick! Look!

VON KLUTZ:
So! The English entry drives again. What is all that racket?

WOLFGANG:
He has been gagged for so long, he cannot breathe.

VON KLUTZ:
I can’t stand that noise. Take the gag off him.

CRUMPETS:
You’ll never get away with this.

VON KLUTZ:
The first words out of your mouth, and they’re nasty. Gag him again!

MICKY:
Boy, you sure got a lousy part.

VON KLUTZ:
Wolfgang, we must get the Klutzmobile running again. I must think of a way. I must think of a way. I think now.

EXT. RACETRACK

DAVY:
Curse you, Red Baron!

INT. KLUTZ GARAGE

VON KLUTZ:
Wolfgang, their car is running perfectly! What shall we do?

WOLFGANG:
Herr Baron, I have a wonderful plan to get their engine. I will announce on this loudspeaker und call them up to the reviewing stand, and then we will steal their engine.

VON KLUTZ:
An excellent plan, Wolfgang. Only, I will do the announcing.

WOLFGANG:
Why you?

VON KLUTZ:
Because they will recognize you immediately from your accent.

INT. KLUTZ GARAGE

VON KLUTZ:
Monkees.

INT. T.N. CRUMPETS’ GARAGE

VON KLUTZ (V.O.):
Please come to the reviewing stand immediately.

MIKE:
Ah! Ah! Ah!

INT. T.N. CRUMPETS’ GARAGE

MIKE:
That was very strange. I can’t imagine what in the world was that all about. We’ll just, uh, get the thing here and—

PETER:
Yeah, we’ll, uh, uh. Hey, uh, Michael?

MIKE:
Yeah?

PETER:
Something’s missing.

MIKE:
Yeah, it’s the car. The car. The ca—

MIKE, PETER:
It’s gone!

INT. KLUTZ GARAGE

WOLFGANG:
Und now, Herr Baron, here is the spiegelwinder.

VON KLUTZ:
Danke. You know, Wolfgang, we should’ve handled the engines earlier. After all, we are the best mechanics in the world.

CRUMPETS:
Not to intrude, you blaggard, but you’re putting the engine in backwards.

VON KLUTZ:
Gag him!

MICKY:
You flew all the way to Hollywood for this part?

INT. OFFICIAL’S OFFICE

OFFICIAL:
I’m sorry, boys, but I just can’t let you in the race without a car.

DAVY:
Now just a minute. I happen to be a very fast runner.

PETER:
Ha ha ha.

MIKE:
Are you kidding? Fast! Did you see that? Man, that guy is fast.

PETER:
Move. Move. Move.

OFFICIAL:
I’m sorry, boys, but you’ve gotta have a car.

DAVY:
A car? But we’ve got a car.

MIKE:
Yeah—we do?

DAVY:
The Monkeemobile.

PETER:
Oh, right.

MIKE:
The Monkeemobile!

DAVY:
I could race that!

MIKE:
A-ha ha! See you later, shotgun.

INT. KLUTZ GARAGE

VON KLUTZ:
In ten minutes, the starting gun will sound, and exactly at that moment, you will shoot one of them, and then at the end of the race, when everyone is cheering, no one will hear you when you shoot the other one. Think, Wolfgang! In twenty minutes we will be in our glory! The Klutzmobile will be the most famous car in history! ??? But for now, could you please give me a little push?

EXT. RACETRACK

MAN (V.O.):
Ladies and gentlemen, cars and drivers are now on the starting grid.

MIKE:
Okay, now look, during the race, while the Baron’s out on the track, Peter and I will go back to the garage and look for Micky and Crumpets.

DAVY:
Okay, listen, what about the other contestants?

VON KLUTZ:
There are no other contestants; they have all been sabotaged. Ha ha ha.

MAN (V.O.):
Gentlemen, start your engines.

INT. KLUTZ GARAGE

WOLFGANG:
Ten, nine…

MICKY:
No, no, wait. No, ten, uh—after ten comes eleven.

WOLFGANG:
Nein, nein, nein, nein.

MICKY:
No, not nine, nine. That’s ninety-nine. No, ten, eleven, twelve…

WOLFGANG:
Alright. Alright. Ten, eleven…

MICKY:
Right.

WOLFGANG:
Four..

MICKY:
Four?

WOLFGANG:
Three…

MICKY:
Three?

WOLFGANG:
Two…

MICKY:
Two?

MIKE:
Okay, I—see? You see?

MICKY:
Oh, saved by The Monkees!

WOLFGANG:
??? Achtung!

Tag

“What Am I Doing Hangin’ ’Round?”