“Dance, Monkee, Dance” Script

INT. THE PAD

PETER:
Hello?

INT. RENALDO’S DANCE AU GO GO - RECEPTION

BUNTWELL:
Good morning. Hm hm! This is your opportunity of a lifetime. Yeah, you got a chance to win a free lesson at America’s foremost dance emporium, Renaldo’s Dance Au Go Go. Huh! Hey, how does that grab you, sir?

INT. THE PAD

PETER:
That sounds like the opportunity of a lifetime.

INT. RENALDO’S DANCE AU GO GO - RECEPTION

BUNTWELL:
Oh, listen, you can win a free dance lesson valued at twelve dollars and ninety-eight cents, and all you have to do is answer one little question. Are you ready?

INT. THE PAD

PETER:
Yeah.

INT. RENALDO’S DANCE AU GO GO - RECEPTION

BUNTWELL:
Oh! Who was the eighth president of the United States of America?

INT. THE PAD

PETER:
I’m afraid I don’t know that.

INT. RENALDO’S DANCE AU GO GO - RECEPTION

BUNTWELL:
Oh. Well, listen, uh, the boss isn’t around, so I’ll tell you what I do. You seem like a nice Joe. I’ll give you a little hint, alright?

INT. THE PAD

BUNTWELL (V.O.):
Ha ha ha!

INT. RENALDO’S DANCE AU GO GO - RECEPTION

BUNTWELL:
His name is President Van…

INT. THE PAD

PETER:
Johnson! Van Johnson! Van Johnson! President Van Johnson!

INT. RENALDO’S DANCE AU GO GO - RECEPTION

BUNTWELL:
No.

INT. THE PAD

PETER:
Van Heflin!

INT. RENALDO’S DANCE AU GO GO - RECEPTION

BUNTWELL:
No, no, no!

INT. THE PAD

PETER:
Which is wrong? Van or Heflin?

INT. RENALDO’S DANCE AU GO GO - RECEPTION

BUNTWELL:
Van is right, but that’s his last name.

INT. THE PAD

PETER:
Oh, Van is his last name. Van… moving van! Moving van!

INT. RENALDO’S DANCE AU GO GO - RECEPTION

BUNTWELL:
Oh, no!

INT. THE PAD

PETER:
Pickup truck!

INT. RENALDO’S DANCE AU GO GO - RECEPTION

BUNTWELL:
Oh, please! Listen, I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll let you know his first name. It’s Martin.

INT. THE PAD

PETER:
Martin. Uh, Martin… Dean Martin!

INT. RENALDO’S DANCE AU GO GO - RECEPTION

BUNTWELL:
Martin Van…

INT. THE PAD

PETER:
Martin Van Buren! Martin Van Buren!

INT. RENALDO’S DANCE AU GO GO - RECEPTION

BUNTWELL:
Right, right! Oh!

INT. THE PAD

PETER:
Oh!

INT. RENALDO’S DANCE AU GO GO - RECEPTION

BUNTWELL:
Ee! Congratulations! You just won a free dance lesson at Renaldo’s Dance Au Go Go. Now look, hon, all I need is your name, alright?

INT. THE PAD

PETER:
Could you give me a hint?

INT. RENALDO’S DANCE AU GO GO - RECEPTION

BUNTWELL:
Oh, honey, don’t you even know your name?

INT. THE PAD

PETER:
Oh, yes, it’s Peter. A-ha! I’ll be right down for my free lesson. Goodbye.

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

INT. RENALDO’S DANCE AU GO GO - BALLROOM

BUNTWELL:
One, two, three, four. Oh, you got a lot of style, Mr. Tork. Never knew anyone who could get so far in just one lesson.

PETER:
I’m pushy.

RENALDO:
Good morning, Mr. Tork. My name is Renaldo.

PETER:
Oh!

RENALDO:
How did he do, Miss Buntwell?

BUNTWELL:
Oh, simply wonderful. Another few lessons, he’ll be a real tiger.

PETER:
Really?

RENALDO:
Just sign here.

PETER:
Uh, well, it was kind of fun, and I do like Miss Buntwell.

BUNTWELL:
Rrr-ruff! Ha ha ha.

RENALDO:
You just made a decision that’ll change your entire life.

BUNTWELL:
Now, we’ll see you tomorrow, tiger, a-ha.

PETER:
Rrr.

RENALDO:
Ha ha ha ha. Sucker.

BUNTWELL:
Oh, he seemed nice.

RENALDO:
They’re all nice, as long as they sign that lifetime contract. That kid’ll be dancing ’til he’s eighty.

INT. THE PAD

PETER:
One, two, three, four. One, two…

MIKE:
What are you, what are you, what are you doing?

PETER:
I’ve enrolled in Renaldo’s dance course. One, two…

MIKE:
No, well, you didn’t sign anything I hope, no.

PETER:
Just an informal agreement.

MIKE:
Well, let me see it. It says here, “The party, at first part,” which is you, “now enrolls in series B.”

PETER:
See, I told you; it’s only the B series.

DAVY:
Whoa. For a minute, I thought it might have been the A course.

MIKE:
Yeah.

MICKY:
Well, what’s a B course?

MIKE:
It’s the lifetime contract.

DAVY, MICKY:
Lifetime?

DAVY:
What?

MIKE:
Yeah, and it’s with an option for renewal.

PETER:
Two, three. Did I do something wrong?

MIKE:
Ah, I’m afraid you did, old buddy.

PETER:
Oh, well, we’ll just tear up the contract.

MIKE:
You can’t tear up this contract; it’s a legal document.

PETER:
Ah, come on. No court in the world would convict me.

INT. COURTROOM

MIKE:
Order in the court, order in the court, order in the court. Alright, you may examine the witness.

MICKY:
Yes, sir. Examine the witness. Right away, sir. Examine, examine, examine. ???

DAVY:
That’s quite enough.

MICKY:
Is this your signature?

PETER:
Yes, sir.

MICKY:
A-ha! Then you did sign the contract.

PETER:
What do I know? I’m just a kid.

MICKY:
Are you in the habit of breaking contracts?

DAVY:
I object, Your Honor. Ooh!

MIKE:
Don’t do that.

MICKY:
Do you or do you not recognize this man?

PETER:
Is that a trick question?

DAVY:
I object, Your Honor!

MIKE:
Don’t object so much; you’ll live longer.

MICKY:
Ha ha ha ha! Your witness. Ha ha ha ha!

DAVY:
Now then. Ooh! What’d you do that for? I didn’t say anything.

MIKE:
Well, that’s in case you do.

DAVY:
Now, Mr. Tork, tell the court, in my own words, the unhappiness this contract has caused you.

PETER:
Well, I—oh!

DAVY:
You hit my defendant.

MIKE:
Quiet in the court.

DAVY:
Ooh!

MIKE:
Quiet in the court.

DAVY:
Ah!

PETER:
Ow!

MIKE:
Quiet!

DAVY:
Ah!

MIKE:
I’m sorry, gentlemen. I find the defendant guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty. Guilty!

PETER:
Guilty? Guilty? Guilty?

MIKE:
Oh, you’re so guilty, guilty, guilty.

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
You know, we can’t let Peter dance his way to the poorhouse.

MICKY:
Got it, Pete. I’ll get you out of this yet.

MIKE:
Mick…

INT. RENALDO’S DANCE AU GO GO - OFFICE

MICKY:
I must talk to him now. Hello, I’m George Michael Dolenz, Peter Tork’s solicitor.

RENALDO:
Oh, yes. Shows a lot of promise, lot of promise.

MICKY:
Well, my client is an eccentric playboy, you see, and he has a strange affliction called ballpointitis.

RENALDO:
Ah, ha ha.

MICKY:
It’s a need to sign long-term contracts.

RENALDO:
Well, this one is binding.

MICKY:
Oh. Well, loopholes.

RENALDO:
There aren’t any.

MICKY:
This is out-outrageous. Fine. You mean to tell me that if I took this contract, and I signed it here—

RENALDO:
And there.

MICKY:
—and there, that I would be forced to take your dance class for life?

RENALDO:
Right, councilor. Welcome to Renaldo’s Dance Au Go Go.

MICKY:
Ha ha ha.

INT. THE PAD

PETER:
One, two, three… ouch! Oh, Micky, it’s not one, two, four, three.

MICKY:
I’m sorry, man. I got this hang up with my feet. I don’t know.

MIKE:
Well, I see now you can’t send a boy to do a man’s boj, uh, uh, job, uh, badge. Uh, you can’t boj a boy to send a job…

PETER:
One, two. You’re doing better, Micky, but let me lead.

MICKY:
Alright. I got this hang up with my hands too. One.

PETER:
One.

INT. RENALDO’S DANCE AU GO GO - OFFICE

BUNTWELL:
Two, three, four, sit and kiss. Now, you want to sign here? Rrr. And down there. Rrr-ruff! Oh, that’s my tiger.

MIKE:
One, two, three, four, sit and kiss.

BUNTWELL:
Oh, but the music has stopped?

MIKE:
Well, who needs music?

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
One, two… nuh, uh, one, two, three, four, uh. Yeah, not only did I sign a lifetime contract, man, I enrolled for graduate work.

PETER:
Mike, don’t be depressed.

MIKE:
Yeah, I guess you’re right. You know, my three is getting better. Three.

DAVY:
Now, if we’re going to get out of Renaldo’s grip, we’ve got to have somebody on the inside.

MIKE:
Three.

INT. RENALDO’S DANCE AU GO GO - OFFICE

RENALDO:
Hold it. I like the way you move, kid. Welcome to the staff of Renaldo’s Dance Au Go Go.

DAVY:
Oh. Thank you. Uh, I really appreciate the faith you have in me, sir, but I’ve never taught dancing before.

INT. RENALDO’S DANCE AU GO GO - RECEPTION

WOMAN:
Are all your instructors experienced?

BUNTWELL:
Oh, they’re all professional teachers with at least, uh, four years experience, heh.

INT. RENALDO’S DANCE AU GO GO - OFFICE

RENALDO:
I don’t care if you don’t know how to walk. In this business, the three most important words are…

INT. RENALDO’S DANCE AU GO GO - RECEPTION

BUNTWELL:
Just sign here.

WOMAN:
That seems like a lot of money.

BUNTWELL:
Now, now, now, money isn’t everything.

INT. RENALDO’S DANCE AU GO GO - OFFICE

RENALDO:
Money is everything. Remember that.

DAVY:
When do I start?

RENALDO:
Your first lesson’s in the ballroom in a half hour. I’ll join you then.

DAVY:
Yes, sir.

INT. RENALDO’S DANCE AU GO GO - RECEPTION

WOMAN:
Bye-bye now.

BUNTWELL:
Buh-bye.

DAVY:
Hey, I got the job.

BUNTWELL:
Fantastic, I’m sure.

VAN BUREN:
Pardon me, miss. I believe I’m this month’s lucky winner.

BUNTWELL:
Could I have your name please?

VAN BUREN:
Martin Van Buren.

INT. RENALDO’S DANCE AU GO GO - BALLROOM

PETER:
Well, this is the place.

MICKY:
Hey, that little guy looks just like Davy.

PETER:
It is Davy.

RENALDO:
My first pupils. Come right in. Come right in, gentlemen. Ha ha ha. Gentlemen, this is Mr. Jones, our prized teacher. Been with us three years. Well, I leave you in his capable hands, or should I say feet. A ha ha ha!

MICKY:
A ha ha ha. You made it, Davy.

PETER:
Congratulations.

DAVY:
Shh. Cool it; he might come back. I’ve got to teach you guys to dance. Um, now listen, gentlemen. This is one of the newer dances. Um, it goes something like this. A one, a two, a three, a four. A one, a two, a three, a four. A one, a two, a three, four. One, two, three, four.

PETER:
Two, three. One, two, three, oh, three, uh, uh, four, I mean fi—

DAVY, PETER:
One, two, three, four.

“I’ll Be Back Up on My Feet”

INT. RENALDO’S DANCE AU GO GO - BALLROOM

MICKY:
Boy, that was really great.

MIKE:
Yeah, that was a lot of fun.

MICKY:
We gonna do this every day?

PETER:
Do it all the time?

MICKY:
Are we gonna do this every lesson?

DAVY:
You must be joking; you know how much it costs for those sets and costumes?

PETER:
Yeah, that would… w-could I help you out with a five?

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
Boy, I got to tell you. This dancing school thing has really turned into a drag, a stone drag.

PETER:
How long can we keep this up?

MICKY:
Wait!

PETER:
What? What is it?

MICKY:
A brilliant idea.

PETER:
Well?

MICKY:
That’s what we need: a brilliant idea.

PETER:
Where are we going to get that?

MICKY:
I’ve got it.

MICKY (V.O.):
Got to talk to the writers.

INT. WRITERS ROOM

MICKY:
Hi, fellas. Listen, uh, we need an idea for the show, you know. Got to be something fast and groovy and hip and everything, you know. Can you do it? [mumbling] Yeah, this’ll do. Thanks, fellas. Bye.

INT. THE PAD

MICKY:
Man, this is terrible; those guys are really overpaid.

DAVY:
Just relax, fellas. I’ve got a fantastic idea. Listen to this: “Find love and adventure at Renaldo’s Dance Au Go Go.” Now, tomorrow, the place is going to be loaded with suckers.

PETER:
All day. Heh.

MICKY:
Huh?

PETER:
All-day suckers.

MICKY:
Little joke, about that big.

DAVY:
No. Anyway, this is what we’re gonna do.

INT. RENALDO’S DANCE AU GO GO - RECEPTION

DAVY:
Uh-uh. No, I’m sorry; Martin Van Buren is wrong.

BUNTWELL:
Ah, there’s quite a crowd of new applicants assembled in the ballroom. Renaldo will be along soon. Give ’em a pep talk and sign ’em up.

DAVY:
Uh, Miss Buntwell, where you going?

BUNTWELL:
Well, I was going to go in there and stay with them to keep ’em from cooling off.

DAVY:
Oh, but you can’t. You see, uh, Mr. Nesmith here has got, uh, something very important to tell you.

MIKE:
Huh?

DAVY:
Tell her.

MIKE:
Oh, yeah, it’s very important.

BUNTWELL:
Well, what about the new applicants?

DAVY:
Oh, uh, don’t worry. I’ll look after them. Don’t worry.

BUNTWELL:
Oh.

DAVY:
Just keep her here, man.

BUNTWELL:
Well, alright. What is it?

MIKE:
Miss Buntwell. You were right about dancing. It’s, it’s changed my whole life, and, and I can tell you now, my heart wants you, and my soul wants you.

BUNTWELL:
What do you hear from your liver?

MIKE:
Not a whole lot, heh heh.

INT. RENALDO’S DANCE AU GO GO - BALLROOM

DAVY:
Good morning, ladies. Good morning. Good morning. How are you?

WOMAN:
Isn’t he cute?

DAVY:
Hello, and welcome to Renaldo’s Dance Au Go Go.

INT. RENALDO’S DANCE AU GO GO - RECEPTION

BUNTWELL:
Ahh!

INT. RENALDO’S DANCE AU GO GO - BALLROOM

DAVY:
The only dance school in town where we’re patient with your mistakes.

PETER:
Sorry. I’m sorry. I’ll be good. I’ll really try.

MICKY:
You don’t learn that step by tomorrow, lady, and you’ll regret it.

INT. RENALDO’S DANCE AU GO GO - RECEPTION

BUNTWELL:
Now look, kiddo, I don’t know what your hang-up is. I gotta get in there with those new applicants.

MIKE:
Oh, how can you talk about applicants, Miss Buntwell, when my heart is burning?

BUNTWELL:
Oh.

MIKE:
You don’t realize it, but I can’t sleep at night, I can’t eat, I can’t drink.

BUNTWELL:
Why not?

MIKE:
’Cause I don’t have no money.

BUNTWELL:
Oh.

INT. RENALDO’S DANCE AU GO GO - BALLROOM

DAVY:
Remember, Renaldo’s is the only dance school in town where you learn all the latest steps. Ooh!

MICKY, PETER:
[grunting] Boonga, boonga, uh.

MICKY:
Good dance, uh. Ah!

INT. RENALDO’S DANCE AU GO GO - RECEPTION

MIKE:
Miss Buntwell, Miss Buntwell, Miss Buntwell, Miss Buntwell. I can’t fight it, I can’t fight it. It’s l—it’s like chemistry.

BUNTWELL:
I failed chemistry.

MIKE:
I can’t fight it, I can’t fight it. It’s like biology?

BUNTWELL:
I passed biology.

MIKE:
Oh, that’s good.

INT. RENALDO’S DANCE AU GO GO - BALLROOM

DAVY:
And another thing. All you ladies will find it a pleasure to dance with our instructors, ’cause they’re all perfect gentlemen.

MICKY:
Ah! Mister, mister!

PETER:
Give me a kiss, give me a little kiss, baby, you know I ???, come on, baby ???

MICKY:
Get away, get away, get away! Oh, get away! Get away! Oh, he’s terrible! He’s terrible! Get away, he’s terrible. Oh, mister! Help! Oh, get away! Help, help, help!

WOMAN:
Horrible, horrible.

INT. RENALDO’S DANCE AU GO GO - RECEPTION

MIKE:
Oh, but, Miss Buntwell. You don’t understand. Without you, my life is a vast, it’s a vast desert. I can’t—

RENALDO:
Good morning. What’s, what’s going on here? Why aren’t you with the, with the, with the new applicants? Ha ha ha. Get down from there. Get, get down.

BUNTWELL:
Oh!

INT. RENALDO’S DANCE AU GO GO - BALLROOM

MICKY:
Right this way, ladies. Right this way out. Yes, no crowding please. Right this way. Right this way.

RENALDO:
Hold it, hold it, ladies. A-ha. Get the Dancing Smoothies ready; it’s an emergency. Good morning, ladies. Looking wonderful ???. We’ll have a nice day for dancing, aren’t we? And we are going to enjoy ourselves thoroughly. What’s going on, Jones?

DAVY:
Oh, well, you—I was just giving the ladies a pep talk, you know.

RENALDO:
I bet you were. You can get out now; I’ll take over. Good morning, ladies. I am Renaldo. I hope you enjoyed Davy’s little joke. Now we shall demonstrate how the Renaldo dance studio is devoted to your fun and pleasure. In a moment, our Dancing Smoothies, all former students, will show you how easy it is to widen your world with dancing. But first, let me say…

INT. RENALDO’S DANCE AU GO GO - DRESSING ROOM

BUNTWELL:
Smoothies? Now listen, get ready, fellas. When I give the signal, you come on strong and dance with the ladies.

SMOOTHIE:
Have no fear; the Smoothies are here.

BUNTWELL:
Well, look, just wait for my signal, alright?

INT. RENALDO’S DANCE AU GO GO - BALLROOM

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
[mumbling] Rhubarb, rhubarb. Saba soben.

INT. RENALDO’S DANCE AU GO GO - DRESSING ROOM

MICKY:
Gosharooney. Gee, they’re real dancing teachers, honest-to-goodness ones.

MIKE:
Ooh, hey, are you—hey, are you guys really the Dancing Smoothies?

SMOOTHIE:
That’s right. We know every dance in the book.

MIKE:
Do you know the magoomba?

SMOOTHIE:
No, how does that go?

MIKE:
Well, first you raise your left arm and then you raise your right arm. Okay.

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
This is a stick-up.

INT. RENALDO’S DANCE AU GO GO - BALLROOM

RENALDO:
And now, ladies, the moment you’ve been waiting for: your free introductory dance lesson with Renaldo’s Dancing Smoothies.

“I’m a Believer”

INT. RENALDO’S DANCE AU GO GO - OFFICE

RENALDO:
Come in. Oh no. No, no!

MICKY:
One, two, cha-cha-cha. One, two, cha-cha-cha.

RENALDO:
I don’t need you. I got all the friends I need. I don’t need any new friends. Fellas, stop, stop it. Out, fellas!

MIKE:
Hi, Mr. Renaldo. Hi, Mr. Renaldo. Showed up for our first lesson.

RENALDO:
Your dance lesson? You drove away all my new pupils. Now get out!

MICKY:
Ah, but we got contracts. Contacts, oh.

RENALDO:
Forget the contracts. See? I’m tearing ’em up.

DAVY:
Ah! Wait a minute, Renaldo. These contracts are legal, and we’re going to keep you to them.

MIKE:
Yeah. We’re going to show up for every lesson, every day of the week. Uh, unless, of course…

RENALDO:
Unless, of course, what?

MIKE:
Well, unless, of course, you tear up all those other lifetime contracts you got.

RENALDO:
Okay, okay, okay.

DAVY:
Oh!

MICKY:
Cha-cha-cha! Da da da. Tearing up con—look at that. Oh.

MIKE:
Hold it, hold it, hold it. Hey, hey, wait a minute, wait a, wait a. Hey, really, really, wait a minute. Is that all? That’s all. Okay, let’s go.

MICKY:
Bye. Cha-cha-cha!

RENALDO:
What do you want?

PETER:
Could you show me how to do the box step again?