“Monkees Blow their Minds” Script

Teaser

INT. THE PAD

FRANK (AS MIKE NESMITH):
Hello. I’m Mike Nesmith, and I’m one of the Monkees. Tonight, as my guest on this wonderful television program, which has done so much for all of you young people out there, I have as my special guest none other than Frank Zappa, that world famous person, participant in, perhaps even leader of, none other than The Mothers of Invention, and here he is, love ya, Frank Zappa.

MIKE (AS FRANK ZAPPA):
Hi, kids. Hi, Mike.

FRANK (AS MIKE NESMITH):
Hi.

MIKE (AS FRANK ZAPPA):
It’s really, it’s really a pleasure to be here.

FRANK (AS MIKE NESMITH):
It is? They have a lot of zany stuff on this program, don’t you think? Well, tell me, Frank.

MIKE (AS FRANK ZAPPA):
Tell you what, Mike?

FRANK (AS MIKE NESMITH):
No, you’re supposed to talk like Frank. This is one of our cute numbers for the show.

MIKE (AS FRANK ZAPPA):
Oh yeah, that’s right. I’m supposed to be you, and you’re supposed to be me, right?

FRANK (AS MIKE NESMITH):
You see the way we worked this out in advance?

MIKE (AS FRANK ZAPPA):
My nose keeps falling off. Okay, go ahead. Ask me a question.

FRANK (AS MIKE NESMITH):
When you got into the psychedelic music business, was it very difficult? I know that you used to work in Hollywood a lot.

MIKE (AS FRANK ZAPPA):
Well, it was more of a “Come on, guys. Let’s go.” kind of a situation.

FRANK (AS MIKE NESMITH):
“Come on, guys”—that’s like The Beach Boys.

MIKE (AS FRANK ZAPPA):
A lot of that. We did a lot of that.

FRANK (AS MIKE NESMITH):
You know that after I quit the show, I’m gonna join The Byrds, don’t you?

MIKE (AS FRANK ZAPPA):
Ha ha. No, I didn’t know that.

FRANK (AS MIKE NESMITH):
When you quit The Mothers, who are you gonna join?

MIKE (AS FRANK ZAPPA):
I may join The Byrds too. I wanted to get into a very serious area that of course appeals to me as Frank Zappa, sometimes thought of as creative genius, especially in the area concerning your Monkees’ music, which, uh, a-appears to me to be banal and insipid, you know?

FRANK (AS MIKE NESMITH):
You think that our music, The Monkees’ music, is banal and insipid?

MIKE (AS FRANK ZAPPA):
Well, words like that are hard to read.

FRANK (AS MIKE NESMITH):
Mm-hm.

MIKE (AS FRANK ZAPPA):
Especially side by side.

FRANK (AS MIKE NESMITH):
Have you ever tried reading Mike and Frank?

MIKE (AS FRANK ZAPPA):
I wanted to know where the soul of your music was. Is it on the one and the seven, or is it on the one and the five?

FRANK (AS MIKE NESMITH):
The soul of your music is on the one and the seven, sometimes on the three and the five. The soul of our music, The Monkees’ music, lies somewhere in between the one and a half, the two and a half, the three and three quarters, and the giant C major chord on the piano—

MIKE (AS FRANK ZAPPA):
Can—

FRANK (AS MIKE NESMITH):
—which I’ll demonstrate for you. We have wonderful music.

INT. THE PAD

FRANK (AS MIKE NESMITH):
Match cut. Here we go, we turn over and we all take our positions in front of the camera, because this is The Monkees and we’re really tricky. Tell me, Frank Zappa, I’ve always wanted to have you show me how to conduct because I heard you were really spiffy at it.

MIKE (AS FRANK ZAPPA):
Will you follow me? That’s where we gonna go—

FRANK (AS MIKE NESMITH):
Come on. You’re on television. I’m just one of these unpopular musicians.

MIKE (AS FRANK ZAPPA):
No—

FRANK (AS MIKE NESMITH):
Teach me.

MIKE (AS FRANK ZAPPA):
It’s the other way around. You’re a popular musician, I’m dirty, gross and ugly. Well, I’ll tell you, Mike. Before we get too involved with the piano, let’s whipple over to the car, and I’ll teach you—

FRANK (AS MIKE NESMITH):
“Whip”?

MIKE (AS FRANK ZAPPA):
—how to play a car. Watch this!

EXT. THE PAD

“Mother People”

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

Act One

EXT. ORACULO’S SHOP

PETER:
“Oraculo, world’s leading mentalist, down the alley”. Down the alley?

INT. ORACULO’S SHOP

RUDY:
Uh-be-gubba, mimi-go. Uh, come on in.

PETER:
Thank you.

RUDY:
You’re welcome.

PETER:
Are you the great Oraculo?

ORACULO:
I am Oraculo, the world’s leading mentalist.

PETER:
I’m Peter Tork.

ORACULO:
Of course. I knew that surely as if you’d said it yourself.

PETER:
I’m a rock and roll musician, and I need your help.

ORACULO:
Well, there are some things that even the great Oraculo can’t fix.

PETER:
I’ve been trying to write a song for two weeks, and I’ve been blocked. You’ve got to help me.

ORACULO:
You’ve come to the right man.

PETER:
But I promised the guys I’d write a song for the audition. I can’t let them down.

ORACULO:
Audition?

PETER:
For The Monkees. It’s a gig at the Club Cassandra. It’s for ten weeks.

ORACULO:
Ten week gig? Ooh. Sit down. Look into my eyes. Deeply, deeply, ever so deeply. Yes, deeply, deeply. What do you see?

PETER:
Dishonesty, cowardice, and a lack of scruples.

ORACULO:
Too deep, try again. Eh, Mr. Tork, why don’t you join me in a cup of tea?

PETER:
Do you think we’ll both fit?

ORACULO:
Oh. Heh heh heh.

RUDY:
Ha ha ha.

ORACULO:
Ha ha ha. Drink up. Heh heh.

PETER:
Mm. This is good.

ORACULO:
Yes. Very good, indeed. Rudy, whoever these fellas are, these Monkees or whatever their name is, they will not succeed at their audition.

RUDY:
Well, what do you mean, master?

ORACULO:
I have a plan.

RUDY:
Oh, ha ha ha.

ORACULO:
Ha ha ha ha.

INT. CLUB CASSANDRA

LATHAM:
Come on, boys. Let’s get on with the audition. I haven’t got all day.

MICKY:
You know, I don’t see much sense in setting up if Peter isn’t here.

MIKE:
Well, we can set up. I just wish that Peter had written us a song.

PETER:
Hi, guys. I’m sorry I’m late.

ORACULO:
Not only is he a good psychic slave, but he has perfect timing. Heh heh.

RUDY:
You think it’s gonna work, master?

ORACULO:
The great Oraculo never fails.

RUDY:
Oh, yeah? What about the time we—

DAVY:
Hey, look at Peter. He looks like a machine.

MIKE:
Well, he always sort of looks like a machine, you know.

DAVY:
Peter, are you alright?

PETER:
Yes, I’m alright. Let’s go.

MIKE:
Uh, you, uh, your—

DAVY:
Your guitar.

MIKE:
Your guitar is on—you’ve got it on—I think he’s out of it.

MICKY:
Oh, I dunno. His crisp, penetrating intelligence is still there.

LATHAM:
Come on, boys. Come on. Hurry it up.

DAVY:
Are you ready?

ORACULO:
You cannot play, Tork. Your talent is deserting you.

DAVY:
One, two, one, two, three, four!

PETER:
Er, er-er, er-er!

ORACULO:
That’s what you call a dumb cluck.

MIKE:
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah? Alright, do you want to try it one more time?

DAVY:
Okay, ready? Ready? One, two. One, two, three, hey!

PETER:
Five, six, seven, eight.

DAVY:
Heh heh. Heh. He-he used to be a one man band. Funny, right?

ORACULO:
Now, Peter. Come to me.

DAVY:
Funny.

MICKY:
Peter.

DAVY:
Peter.

MICKY:
Peter, what are you—

LATHAM:
That’s Monkees? Alright, alright, boys. That’s enough, boy. That’s enough. I get the idea.

DAVY:
Oh, but Mr. Latham, no, you don’t understand, you see, um—

LATHAM:
Oh, no need to apologize. All you’ve done is waste my time.

ORACULO:
And now, Mr. Tork, you will do everything exactly as I’ve told you to do. First?

PETER:
First, I will kill Oraculo.

ORACULO:
Who told you to do that?

PETER:
He who secretly hates Oraculo and hasn’t the guts to tell him.

RUDY:
For a psychic slave, you got a big mouth.

LATHAM:
Now, who’s next? Who’s next for the audition here?

ORACULO:
Now, Mr. Tork, the time has come. We must win this audition.

INT. CLUB CASSANDRA

ORACULO:
Thus, I have raised this subject three feet off the ground by sheer thought power alone. Hee hee hee hee.

MICKY:
A-ha! So that’s it. That phony mentalist has stolen Peter’s mind.

ORACULO:
I can think him up. Up, up, up!

RUDY:
Oh! Up, yeah!

ORACULO:
And I can think him down.

RUDY:
Down.

ORACULO:
Eh. And I can think him badly bruised.

LATHAM:
Wonderful, Oraculo! Simply fantastic.

ORACULO:
You’re correct. So, what is your opinion of the great Oraculo?

MIKE:
Well, I think you’re a ruthless fraud.

ORACULO:
In that case, keep quiet.

MICKY:
You freaked Peter’s mind!

DAVY:
That was very good. Nicely put. Lovely. Lovely.

ORACULO:
He came to me of his own free will. Isn’t that right?

PETER:
Whatever you say, master.

LATHAM:
Now, if you’ll come into my office, we can draw up the contracts for you and your assistant here.

ORACULO:
Come along.

MICKY:
Uh, well, bye, Pete. Later, Pete. Listen, don’t forget to write, Pete, and, uh, remember, the door’s always open to you, Pete. Uh, you can come home to the pad and all your friends, but write first, because we’re renting your room!

INT. THE PAD

DAVY:
If we’re gonna help Peter, we’ve got to get him alone.

MIKE [on the phone]:
Um, hello, Mr. Oraculo?

INT. ORACULO’S SHOP

MIKE (V.O.):
I need your help.

INT. THE PAD

MIKE [on the phone]:
And, uh, I wondered if you could come down.

INT. ORACULO’S SHOP

ORACULO [on the phone]:
I don’t usually make house calls.

INT. THE PAD

MIKE [on the phone]:
But I’ve had this horrible accident, and I lost my memory, and I can’t remember a thing.

INT. ORACULO’S SHOP

ORACULO [on the phone]:
Do you remember who you’re talking to now?

INT. THE PAD

MIKE [on the phone]:
Sure, this is Mr. Oraculo.

INT. ORACULO’S SHOP

ORACULO [on the phone]:
You see that? We’re well onto the road to recovery already.

INT. THE PAD

MIKE [on the phone]:
Before I had this accident, I was carrying a briefcase with, uh, fifty thousand—

INT. ORACULO’S SHOP

MIKE (V.O.):
—dollars in it.

ORACULO [on the phone]:
Fifty thousand?

MIKE (V.O.):
Yep.

INT. THE PAD

MIKE [on the phone]:
And I’m willing to give half to the man who will help me find it.

INT. ORACULO’S SHOP

ORACULO [on the phone]:
I may be able to fit you in.

INT. THE PAD

MIKE [on the phone]:
When?

INT. ORACULO’S SHOP

ORACULO [on the phone]:
Right now.

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
I’ll stall Oraculo until you get back. Micky, are you ready?

MICKY:
Gosharooney, yes. Boy, I’ve poured over all these mystical maps and charts, and I’ve read every book in the public library.

MIKE:
So, what did you learn?

MICKY:
The Dewey Decimal System.

INT. ORACULO’S SHOP

ORACULO:
Rudy, I’m off for another adventure, and when I return, I feel sure I’ll have twenty-five thou bulging out of my pocket.

RUDY:
Well, what about me, master? Hey, master, what about me? Hey, master?

ORACULO:
You will stay here and, uh, guard Tork at fifty cents an hour.

RUDY:
That seems a little unfair, master.

ORACULO:
Make it half a dollar.

RUDY:
Oh, master, thank you, thank you! You are generous beyond generous.

ORACULO:
You’re grateful, Rudy, eh?

RUDY:
Oh, yes, master, yes.

ORACULO:
Then why are you biting my hand?

INT. THE PAD

ORACULO:
Eh, now, Mr. Nesmith. The hiding place of the money is locked deeply within your unconscious. I want you to free your mind of all thought. Good. Now, uh, how do you feel?

MIKE:
Um, oh, uh, thoughtless.

ORACULO:
Hm. Look deeply. Deeply into my eyes. Now, what do you see?

MIKE:
Cowardice, and, um, dishonesty, and a general lack of scruples.

ORACULO:
Maybe there’s something in what they say.

INT. ORACULO’S SHOP

RUDY:
And now, for my next trick, I, the great Oraculo, will free the mind of that dashing psychic slave Rudy Bayshore. Come on, mind, free up. Come on. Free up, mind! Free the mind, free the mind!

DAVY:
We’ve got to get Peter out of here.

MICKY:
And I, the great Dolenzio will transfer my mind into his mind and his mind back into my mind, transferring us back—Rudy, Rudy!

RUDY:
Uh, w-what’s that?

MICKY:
It is I, your master Oraculo!

RUDY:
My master!

MICKY:
Come to me, Rudy!

RUDY:
I’m coming, master. I’m coming.

MICKY:
Come, come!

RUDY:
I’m coming, master. I’m coming! Wait-wait a minute. That’s not the voice of my master.

MICKY:
Uh, Rudy, I have a great treasure I will share with you.

RUDY:
Well, who am I to judge? Here I come! I am coming to you, master. Here I come!

MICKY:
Peter, Peter—uh, Peter!

PETER:
Don’t I know you from somewhere?

MICKY:
I am Micky! I mean, I’m Micky. Your best bullet—pal—bud-buddy and pal and friend and hardship and toil for two—for years and years.

PETER:
Keep talking. It will come to me.

DAVY:
Hey, man. He’s still whacked out. What are we going to do?

MICKY:
It’s very clear to me that we have to transfer his mind back from the spell of Oraculo’s mind.

“Valleri”

DAVY:
It’s no use, Micky. He won’t budge.

MICKY:
Well, we’ve got to get him out of here before Oraculo gets back.

DAVY:
I’ve got it! Experimental psychology.

MICKY:
What’s that? It sounds complicated.

DAVY:
Actually, it’s not.

INT. THE PAD

ORACULO:
Well, Mr. Nesmith. Let’s see what you have to say now that you’ve drunk the magic potion.

RUDY:
I’m coming, master. I’m coming. I’m coming.

ORACULO:
Rudy! What are you doing here?

RUDY:
You called me, master.

ORACULO:
Nonsense! Your name never even entered my mind. There’s something very odd going on here. Mr. Nesmith, I command you to tell me what’s happening.

MIKE:
Well, uh, Davy and Micky are over freeing Peter while I’m keeping you here by feeding you this story about a valise with fifty thousand dollars in it, uh, which, uh, never really existed.

RUDY:
You gave him the magic formula, master.

ORACULO:
Come with me, Mr. Nesmith.

RUDY:
You-you turned him into one of your slaves.

ORACULO:
To the house of mystery.

RUDY:
First me, then Tork, and now him. When is it all going to end, master? When?

ORACULO:
Rudy, I dare not ask; things are going so well.

Act Two

INT. THE PAD

MICKY:
Pete, it’s so good to get you.

DAVY:
Yeah, he’ll be okay.

MICKY:
Here you are, home again, babe!

DAVY:
You’ll be your old self in no time, Peter. There he goes. He’s started already.

MICKY:
Hey, Mike, we got Peter back. Mike? Mike? Mike? Mike? Mike?

DAVY:
We’d better go find him, then.

MICKY:
What are we going to do about Peter? He’s still under Oraculo’s power.

DAVY:
You’re right. We can’t leave him here on his own. Hm.

MICKY:
This overlapping chain link is perfect for both sport and formal attire. Sorry about that, Pete. It’s the only thing we could do.

DAVY:
Don’t worry. Feedings are at one o’clock and seven. Ha ha ha. Close your mouth.

INT. ORACULO’S SHOP

ORACULO:
The fool! You let that Tork escape.

MICKY:
Hold it, Oraculo! It is I, Captain Goodness and Junior Goodness. We are here to—

ORACULO:
Goobly gobly goobly. You have lost your will.

MICKY:
You’ve lost your talent.

ORACULO:
You doubt the psychic power of the great Oraculo?

DAVY:
He’s a fake, Micky. Let’s get him.

MICKY:
Hold it, Oraculo. Your power’s gone, and Peter’s safe.

ORACULO:
Ha ha ha ha ha! Rule number one of a great mentalist: when your dese—psychic power deserts you, use another way.

RUDY:
I got to hand it to you, Rudy. You really did it there. Pow, pow.

ORACULO:
Give them the potion.

RUDY:
I got it right here. Blue potion, right here.

ORACULO:
Eh, what a sensation I will be tonight. What a sensation at the Club Cassandra. Oraculo and his four slaves.

RUDY:
But master, they say that Tork is safe.

ORACULO:
We shall see. Tork? Goobly joobly goobly. I’m calling you. I’m calling you, Tork!

OPERATOR (V.O.):
I’m sorry, sir, your party is busy.

ORACULO:
Operator, get off the line. Tork, are you there? Can you hear me, Tork?

INT. THE PAD

ORACULO (V.O.):
Tork, I’m calling you. Come! You fool. That’s not the way to the door.

PETER:
Well, what do you expect from a psychic slave?

INT. CLUB CASSANDRA

LATHAM:
And now, ladies and gentlemen, in just a few moments the Club Cassandra will present the great Oraculo.

INT. CLUB CASSANDRA - BACKSTAGE

ORACULO:
Rudy, it’s nearly time, but I don’t want to take any chances, so we better give them a little more potion, and then I’ll meet you out front.

RUDY:
Uh, yeah, master.

INT. CLUB CASSANDRA

ORACULO:
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you. You, madam there. Would you kindly hold up one to thirteen fingers behind my back, and I will tell you how many fingers you’re holding up. Huh huh huh.

RUDY:
Three.

ORACULO:
Three fingers.

LATHAM:
Very good!

THE PENGUIN:
Wah. Wah.

ORACULO:
Yes. And now, uh, eh, uh… ah, you, sir. May I ask, what is your occupation?

DAVY:
Yes, I’m a lawyer.

ORACULO:
A lawyer? Well, let me see what I can see for the future. Ah, yes. Your future is assured. At the age of twenty-nine, you will be the youngest judge ever to sit on the Supreme Court.

DAVY:
But I’m already thirty-five.

ORACULO:
Then you should have come to see me sooner.

CROWD:
Boo!

DAVY:
Oop!

ORACULO:
I will now demonstrate my incredible invulnerability to pain. While in the deepest hypnotic trance—eh, you, sir.

MICKY:
Yes, what?

ORACULO:
Will you kindly grind your red hot cigarette into my lily white palm?

MICKY:
Oh, I couldn’t do that, sir. I couldn’t. I don’t smoke cigarettes.

ORACULO:
Use a cigar if you don’t smoke.

MICKY:
Alright.

ORACULO:
Ah!

THE PENGUIN:
Wah. Wah.

ORACULO:
Ooh!

MICKY:
Well, it wasn’t lit.

ORACULO:
You cheated.

MICKY:
Yeah, I cheated. It wasn’t lit. Boo.

CROWD:
Boo!

LATHAM:
Boo!

THE PENGUIN:
Wah. Wah.

INT. CLUB CASSANDRA - BACKSTAGE

RUDY:
Uh, you guys need any more potion? Huh? You’re okay, y’all? Okay. Here I come, master.

MIKE:
Don’t do that.

DAVY:
Don’t do that.

PETER:
Thanks, Mick.

???:
Let’s go.

???:
Let’s go.

INT. CLUB CASSANDRA

RUDY:
Uh, now, ladies and gentlemen, uh, the finale, Oraculo and his four slaves. Here they are, folks: the slaves.

ORACULO:
These men are completely within my psychic power, and at my command, they will come to rigid attention. Rigid!

CROWD:
Boo!

RUDY:
Come on. Rigid. Will you get up there straight? Rigid.

PETER:
Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf!

PENGUIN:
Wah. Wah. Wah.

RUDY:
No, look. Like me, see? Rigid. Rigid. Like that. Rigid. Good. Yes. Good rigid.

CROWD:
[laughing]

RUDY:
Good rigid. Uh. Rigid. Rigid. Come on. Up. Rigid. Rigid. Oh, sorry, master.

PETER:
Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf!

ORACULO:
Ow! Ow!

PETER:
No, it’s, “Arf! Arf!”

DAVY:
Arf!

PETER:
Arf-arf! Arf!

ORACULO:
Ladies and gentlemen, here’s my famous dog act.

“Gonna Buy Me a Dog”

RUDY:
Master, do you think this is a fitting thing for us to do?

ORACULO:
Master, slave, what’s the difference, Rudy? Long as we’re in show business.

Tag

INT. BLACK BACKGROUND

“Daily Nightly”

MICKY:
Psychedelic.