“Monkees at the Circus” Script

INT. CIRCUS

MICKY:
Hey, I haven’t been to a circus since I was a kid, man.

PETER:
I love a circus! Wonder what time the show goes on?

[There is a sign that reads “Closed”.]

MIKE:
Well, I guess that’s that.

PETER:
Well, why don’t we just snick inside and take a look?

MIKE:
What are you, snick? It’s not snick.

PETER:
Huh?

MIKE:
It’s sneak! Yeah, I sneak, and you sneak, and we sneak.

PETER:
Oh, good, then we can all get in. Ha!

DAVY:
Oh, Peter!

INT. CIRCUS

MICKY:
Hey, man.

DAVY:
Hey, hey, wait. Someone might come in.

MICKY:
♪ It’s great, it’s terrific ♪
♪ It’s the best show on Earth ♪
Get your own pins to juggle with.

DAVY:
There’s only two.

MICKY:
Juggle with your—

DAVY:
I don’t wanna juggle. Hey, come on, let’s go. Mike, let’s go.

MICKY:
Reminds me of when I was a boy.

DAVY:
You know, fellas, I really like the circus. It gives you a feeling of joy. It gives you the feeling that everyone likes one another. Ahh!

VICTOR:
You should not be here.

PETER:
But we were just—

DAVY:
Ahh!

MICKY:
Hey, listen here!

DAVY:
Ah!

VICTOR:
You have no business being here. You’re trespassing. If you’re still here when I return, I shall call the police.

MICKY:
You do, and I’ll be sorry!

DAVY:
Mike! Mike! Mike! That guy was throwing knives at me; he could have killed me! Why didn’t you do something?

MIKE:
Well, I didn’t wanna antagonize him.

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

INT. CIRCUS

VICTOR:
Listen! Listen to me! We are not paid. The equipment is old. The crowds no longer come. I say we leave.

MUSTACHED PERFORMER:
It’s because of those rock and roll groups; the discotheques are doing this to us.

VICTOR:
I tell you, the circus is dead, and we should all leave the corpse.

POP:
But, Victor—

VICTOR:
We must reach a decision now.

CROWD:
Yeah!

DAVY:
What’s wrong? Is there anything I can do?

SUSAN:
What’s wrong? My father will lose the circus if the performers leave.

DAVY:
Why would they have to leave?

SUSAN:
The crowds won’t come anymore. We haven’t been able to pay anyone for months. We can’t even afford to feed our animals anymore.

DAVY:
Look, don’t worry. I promise you everything will be alright. If it isn’t, you can personally feed me to the lions.

VICTOR:
If you all just wanna stand around here and starve, that’s your business, but I’m not going to stay.

SUSAN:
Oh, I wish I could do something.

DAVY:
Wait! Wait! I know you have a problem, but you can’t give up now.

VICTOR:
Get down from here. You don’t know a thing.

MICKY:
Everybody, listen!

MIKE:
He has a point!

DAVY:
Listen, let me ask you a question. How long have you been with the circus?

VICTOR:
Over twenty years.

DAVY:
And have things always been good?

VICTOR:
Well, no, but that doesn’t—

DAVY:
Of course not! ’Cause that’s the way the circus is. And what did your father do?

VICTOR:
He was a performer in the circus, the same as me.

DAVY:
And your grandfather?

VICTOR:
Him too.

DAVY:
The circus is a tradition, and it’s a tradition to the children also. The kids’ll come back to the circus; all you have to do is be here when they do. But the important thing is you must have hope. You can’t give up, and soon the crowds will come back to the circus.

MICKY:
He knows what he’s talking about! Yeah, right! He knows what he’s talking about! He knows what’s happening! Yeah, right!
♪ It’s great, it’s terrific ♪
♪ It’s the best show on Earth ♪
♪ The circus will— ♪

PETER:
Oh, hey look. Oh, wow.

MICKY:
An old TV series.

SUSAN:
We can’t thank you enough for what you did.

DAVY:
Oh, it was nothing.

PETER:
No more than any other poor, lovesick fool would have done.

SUSAN:
Thank you, Davy. Maybe the crowds will come tomorrow, and then everything’ll be alright.

MICKY:
Hey, what’s with the maniac knife thrower and the—

SUSAN:
Victor? He gets these sullen periods.

MICKY:
Oh. What do they last, two or three years? A ha ha. Ha ha.

SUSAN:
Things haven’t been going well for my father’s circus, and Victor’s our star performer. He’s upset because the crowd would rather watch the rock and rollers than him.

MICKY:
Oh, that’s terrible.

PETER:
That’s scandalous.

SUSAN:
By the way, what do you do?

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
We’re brain surgeons.

MIKE:
Uh, well, except in the summertime, I’m a cotton picker. You know, it’s a carryover of skills. I pick a lot of cotton—

MICKY:
Say a few words to the folks.

MIKE:
Hello, this is Mike Nesmith with the farm report. How are you? Pigs is up twelve, hogs is down five, and cows is fine like they are.

SUSAN:
Well, I guess you can’t be all bad or else you’d be out fruging in a discotheque.

MICKY:
That’s right! Ah ha ha! Terrible.

SUSAN:
Do you like the circus?

MICKY:
Oh, it’s really great!

DAVY:
We love it. Great.

MICKY:
This is a gas! Hold it. Great.

SUSAN:
Excuse me; I’ll be right back.

DAVY:
I wonder where she’s going.

MIKE:
Mm, probably to feed Victor to the lions. I hope.

PETER:
Ladies and gentlemen, your attention, please.

INT. CIRCUS

PETER:
Presenting for your entertainment, the world’s greatest lion tamer, Clyde Greedy. Known to his lions as Lefty.

MICKY:
Thank you, thank you. For Tumba’s first trick, he will first jump through the flaming hoop and then roll over and lie down before your startled eyes.

MIKE:
Roar!

MICKY:
Shut up and do the trick.

MIKE:
What trick?

MICKY:
The amazing Tumba, the man-eating—

MIKE:
What trick?

MICKY:
The trick I just told you!

MIKE:
Oh, man, let me write it down.

MICKY:
Oh, you stupid lion!

MIKE:
I’m—stupid? I’m not a stupid—

MICKY:
You are such a dumb lion.

MIKE:
I’ve worked for you for twenty-five years—

MICKY:
You’re just—no, give me the whip. You’re not supposed to have the whip and the hoop.

MIKE:
And you are gonna jump through the hoop, man. No.

MICKY:
I’m gonna whip—no, me? Rah, rah! Rah, rah! I’m not supposed to jump through the—

MIKE:
You stupid man.

PETER:
Ladies and gentlemen, the most death-defying act of our time, the Great Zambini, will hang by his teeth from a trapeze without a net! Ladies and gentlemen: the Great Zambini! Thank you!

INT. CIRCUS

PETER:
Boy, there’s nothing like a circus. If I had it to do all over again, I’d like to—

MICKY:
Hey, we better look this place over; it doesn’t look like it’s gonna be here too long.

PETER:
Yeah, you’re right.

DAVY:
You’re right.

MICKY:
♪ It’s great, it’s terrific ♪
♪ It’s the best— ♪

MIKE:
What is that?

MICKY:
It’s the theme song for an old TV series.

MIKE:
I know it from somewhere.

VICTOR:
Everyone has signed this petition. Either we get our back pay, or we leave at once.

SUSAN:
Victor, if-if you’d just give my father some more time—

MIKE:
Boy, you really know how to pick the emotional types.

SUSAN:
Please, Victor. And—these people really don’t want to go; this is their life.

VICTOR:
There is no more time. This circus is at the bottom of the junk heap.

POP:
But we’ll soon be back on top.

VICTOR:
Who would come to a little circus like this? And what will you pay the performers with? Why would they come?

MICKY:
Hello. We have come to save the circus from distress.

VICTOR:
Who are these people?

DAVY:
Who are we? Would you ask, “Who are these people?” to the Budapest String Quartet?

VICTOR:
I still say who are you?

PETER:
We are the Budapest String Quartet.

MIKE:
We are the Mozzarella Brothers, aerialists supreme.

MICKY [whispering]:
This is Amazing, Incredible—

MIKE:
This is Amazing, Incredible, and Colossus. Colossal.

MICKY [whispering]:
And Stupendous.

MIKE:
And Stupendous.

DAVY:
We are the toast of Paris.

VICTOR:
You’re amazing.

DAVY:
No. He’s Amazing; I’m Incredible.

MIKE:
We have heard of your difficulty, and we have come from France to, in the great tradition of the circus—oh, how do you Americans say it—help a lending hand.

VICTOR:
You’ve come all the way from France?

DAVY:
It was on the way.

PETER:
We were headed for Belgium.

MICKY:
Overnight, the Mozzarella Brothers shall raise you from obscurity to oblivion.

VICTOR:
What exactly is it that you do?

PETER:
Oh ho ho ho. That is rich, what do we do? Ha ha ha. We cross a tight wire at five hundred feet above the ground. A ha.

VICTOR:
Do you use a net?

PETER:
No, just a little spray.

MIKE:
We use no net. We cross the wire up there as a human pyramid built upon one of our shoulders. Oh, it’s foolish, I know, but we’re a game lot. Ha.

VICTOR:
Amazing.

MICKY:
No.

MIKE:
No. Colossal, ’cause Amazing couldn’t take the weight; it’s heavy.

PETER:
We cross the wire on a bicycle with the top man carrying a tray full of twenty glasses.

DAVY:
Of course, we no longer perform the act.

VICTOR:
No more nerve, hm?

DAVY:
No more glasses.

VICTOR:
If the Mozzarella Brothers are going to perform, that, uh, that puts a different complexion on things. This is marvelous. This is the real spirit of the circus. I must tell the others.

POP:
Honey, I knew something wonderful would happen. The circus never dies. I must phone the newspaper, and by tomorrow, the crowds will be back.

SUSAN:
Pop! Pop! Do you realize what you just did?

MICKY:
Yeah, we saved the show.

PETER:
You’ll have a crowd tomorrow and everything.

DAVY:
There you go, Susan. I told you everything’d be alright.

MIKE:
We’re gonna show them how we used to do it in the old country. Bye.

SUSAN:
Oh no! What’s going to happen tomorrow if the crowds come and there are no Mozzarella Brothers?

INT. CIRCUS

SWORD SWALLOWER:
Oh, hey. Did you hear that the Mozzarella Brothers are coming?

MIKE:
Wh-what is that supposed to mean?

SWORD SWALLOWER:
We’ll eat again!

MIKE:
Oh, I can’t swallow that, man.

SWORD SWALLOWER:
Oh, sure, look here.

MIKE:
Oh! The Mozzarella Br—

INT. CIRCUS

JUGGLER:
Aren’t we lucky? The circus is saved; the Mozzarella brothers are coming!

INT. CIRCUS

WILLY:
Hey, the Mozzarellas are coming.

DAVY:
I know.

STRONG MAN:
Would you mind holding this?

PETER:
Oh, of course not.

STRONG MAN:
I’ve got to get ready. I have so many things to do. You know the Mozzarella boys are coming?

PETER:
No, really? That’s wonderful!

DAVY:
That’s marvelous.

PETER:
Hey, Mike! Mike, the circus is saved; the Mozzarella Brothers are coming.

MIKE:
Yeah, but—the Mozzarella Brothers are us.

PETER:
Us?

MIKE:
Yeah.

PETER:
U-S? Us?

MIKE:
Oh, Peter; you’re amazing.

PETER:
Does that mean I have to carry the glasses?

INT. CIRCUS

MICKY:
Peter? Peter?

PETER:
Hold the glasses.

MICKY:
Peter, look out!

PETER:
Ahh!

MICKY:
Careful, Davy.

PETER:
Watch out! Easy!

MICKY:
Easy! Come on. One foot before the other.

PETER:
One at a time. Relax, Davy.

MICKY:
Take it easy, Davy. Look out! Look out!

DAVY:
Oh! Ah! Mike!

MICKY:
Careful, Pete. Careful.

DAVY:
Mike, easy, st-steady.

MICKY:
Mike, easy, careful. Mike. Together now. Careful, easy, watch-watch out. Steady!

DAVY:
Wh-what’s that?

MICKY:
I don’t believe that. Go back, go back. Go back?

DAVY:
He says go back.

MICKY:
Go back! Go back! Go! Go back!

INT. CIRCUS

SUSAN:
What are you going to do? Tonight’s a sellout; the whole town’ll be here.

MICKY:
Well, for our first act, we could get out of town. A ha ha. A joke, a little joke. Get it? Huh. A little joke, about that big.

SUSAN:
Maybe you should just tell the truth.

DAVY:
You know, Susan’s right; I think we ought to tell the truth, at least to her. I think you should know that we’re rock and roll singers.

VICTOR:
Rock and rollers. That’s all I want to hear.

PETER:
Oh, good, then we can play for you!

VICTOR:
Everyone! Come in here. This is important. Come, come, come. I have an announcement to make. These boys are not trapeze artists. They’ve never even been on a trapeze. How dare you call yourselves trapeze artists. They’re frauds! They’re not even circus people. They’re rock and roll singers. Now, you can all stay if you want to, but not Victor.

MIKE:
We better, we better go.

MICKY:
Uh, yeah. Heh heh. Bye.

SWORD SWALLOWER:
Well, let’s go home and pack. Makes no sense. No pay, no food. I’m hungry.

INT. CIRCUS

DAVY:
Hey fellas! Hey, hey wait, listen. We can’t leave her like that; she’s still crying.

MIKE:
Well, man, we’ve done everything we can; there’s just nothing else left to do.

DAVY:
We could cheer her up.

MICKY:
Yeah.

“Sometime in the Morning”

STRONG MAN:
Hey, they’re not too bad, huh?

SWORD SWALLOWER:
No. You know, they are like—I think they are show folks.

JUGGLER:
You know, let’s do a show.

STRONG MAN:
Huh?

SWORD SWALLOWER:
Yeah. You know, you folks, you-you look like real show folks to me.

STRONG MAN:
Yeah, let’s all do a show!

INT. CIRCUS

MAN (V.O.):
Ladies and gentlemen, Pop Arcady presents the biggest little show on Earth. For your approval, the peregrinating, peripatetic Grand Duke Pooch DeBlauner with his traveling harem. And, in the center of the ring, the Amazin’ Fraison’s celebrated pachyderms.

POP:
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the spectacular highlight of our show: the thirty foot knife throw at a living target. But first, our living target. And now, ladies and gentlemen, the incomparable master of cutlery casting, the Invincible Victor! In a moment, ladies and gentlemen, the Invincible Victor!

INT. CIRCUS - DRESSING ROOM

SWORD SWALLOWER:
Victor! Victor! Pop just announced you! You’re on!

VICTOR:
I shall not perform.

SWORD SWALLOWER:
What?

INT. CIRCUS

POP:
In a moment, ladies and gentlemen, the Invincible Victor. Davy, what are you doing?

DAVY:
Just trust me, Pop; I think I’ve got a way of getting Victor into the ring.

POP:
Oh?

DAVY:
It’s okay. Don’t worry. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. May I introduce myself. I am the Invincible Victor.

INT. CIRCUS - DRESSING ROOM

VICTOR:
Who are they applauding?

INT. CIRCUS

DAVY:
My first feat will illustrate the perfect control, which results from years of discipline. And now, ladies and gentlemen, the thirty foot knife throw. I will split the apple in half that’s sitting on my beautiful young assistant’s head. Heh heh. Don’t worry, folks; I’ve got plenty more knives.

VICTOR:
Wait! Don’t throw it. I’ll perform.

DAVY:
And now, ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great privilege to present to you the one and only, the Great Victor!

POP:
You boys did a fine job.

DAVY:
There ya go, Pop. Everyone loves the circus. It’s just been so long since they saw one. They didn’t forget, huh huh. They didn’t even miss the Mozzarella Brothers.

POP:
I know, Davy. And we’re happy again because we can make them happy. You-you better get ready to go on with your act.

MICKY:
Huh?

DAVY:
Act, what act? We’re not aerialists!

POP:
Alright then, do the thing you do best.

MICKY:
Oh ho!

DAVY:
Really?

POP:
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a great treat for you here this evening. A group of young men without whose help we might not be here, and here they are: The Monkees.

“She”

INT. CIRCUS

SUSAN:
Oh, I was, I was just thanking him for, uh, saving our circus. You know, we have another sellout tonight.

WILLY:
I wanna give you this to remember us by. Thank you, Davy.

DAVY:
Oh, thank you very much.

WILLY:
Thank you.

DAVY:
Uh, can you thank me some more now?

INT. CIRCUS

SWORD SWALLOWER:
Hi, Willy. Uh, Mike, I wanna give you this as a token of my appreciation for what you have done for us.

MIKE:
Yeah, well, I-I appreciate it, but, you know, it won’t cut bread, and I couldn’t swallow it, so—

SWORD SWALLOWER:
Well, you could learn to swallow it. It’s really not difficult.

MIKE:
No, not me, I—

SWORD SWALLOWER:
Look here, look. You can do it. Just like that.

MIKE:
Ew. Wha-what’s wrong? It’s-it’s st-st-stuck.

INT. CIRCUS

STRONG MAN:
Peter, after seeing you handle this with great ease, I want you to have it to remember us by.

PETER:
Oh, thank you.

STRONG MAN:
Well, yesterday—that’s amazing.

PETER:
No, no. I’m Fantastic; that’s Amazing.

INT. CIRCUS

JUGGLER:
You know, if the discotheques ever go out of business, you can open up your own act.

MICKY:
Oh.

INT. CIRCUS

SUSAN:
Uh.

MICKY:
Excuse me.

SUSAN:
I was just thanking him for sa—for saving our circus. You know, it’s another sellout tonight?