“Everywhere a Sheik, Sheik” Script

INT. NEHUDIAN HOTEL - BANQUET HALL

HASSAR:
???

COLETTE:
You sent for me, father?

HASSAR:
Yes, Colette. Vidaru has consulted the stars, and the stars say you must marry at once.

COLETTE:
But father—

VIDARU:
The stars never fail.

HASSAR:
If I should die before you marry, there will be no one to inherit the throne.

COLETTE:
I would gladly marry for you, father, but I don’t know anyone.

HASSAR:
What about Vidaru?

COLETTE:
Him?

HASSAR:
Excuse us.

COLETTE:
Daddy, he’s awful.

HASSAR:
I know, my dear, but he would be a very good ruler for our people.

COLETTE:
But daddy, I can’t marry him.

HASSAR:
Who then? You have already turned down all the most eligible bachelors in the world. Who?

[Colette points at a photo of Davy.]

COLETTE:
Him!

INT. THE PAD

SHAZAR:
Davy Jones?

DAVY:
Yeah?

SHAZAR:
Get on the scales please.

PETER:
I think he’s being weighed.

MICKY:
Ah, you’re getting heavier, Davy. I can remember when you only weighed seven bars.

PETER:
Ha ha.

DAVY:
Heh heh. Ah!

MIKE:
Um, that’s, uh, David, uh, hm? Yuh. Bye.

PETER:
What’s that?

MIKE:
Well, um, I don’t know. It’s, um, oh, it’s an invitation.

PETER:
Oh.

MICKY, PETER:
King Hassar Ya—King Hassar Yaduin of—

PETER:
King Hassar Yaduin of Nehudi cordially invites you to the wedding of his daughter, Colette, and—

MICKY, PETER:
Mr. David Jones!

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

INT. NEHUDIAN HOTEL - ROOM

DAVY:
Hey, what’s going on here?

SHAZAR:
My name is Shazar. I am here to serve you.

DAVY:
Oh, really? So what’d you bring me here for?

SHAZAR:
You are the guest of King Hassar of Nehudi. You are going to marry his daughter.

DAVY:
Marry his daughter? I don’t even know her. Anyway, why’d she want to marry me?

SHAZAR:
Why does the camel sleep with one eye facing the desert moon?

DAVY:
To keep his pants up? A-heh.

SHAZAR:
Do not question the strange ways of our people. Marry the princess and be happy.

DAVY:
Tell me, has the princess ever had a crush on anybody before?

SHAZAR:
Yes. There was a boy like you once. She loved him, but he rejected her.

DAVY:
Oh. Does she still see him?

SHAZAR:
Oh, yes. She visits him every week and puts a wreath on his grave.

INT. NEHUDIAN HOTEL - BANQUET HALL

SHAZAR:
The prince to be.

DAVY:
Oh, excuse me.

HASSAR:
You look fine, my boy. I’ll get my daughter.

DAVY:
Do I really look alright?

VIDARU:
Perfect. Except for one thing.

[Vidaru places a rag over Davy.]

VIDARU:
Do not question the strange ways of our people.

INT. NEHUDIAN HOTEL - HALLWAY

MICKY:
Hi. Remember us?

MIKE:
Of course he does.

PETER:
Is Davy in there? We’d like to see him.

MIKE:
Ha, here we go, right in.

INT. NEHUDIAN HOTEL - BANQUET HALL

DAVY:
I love your hair.

COLETTE:
I love your hair.

DAVY:
I love your eyes.

COLETTE:
I love your eyes.

DAVY:
I love your nose. I love your mouth.

COLETTE:
I love your mouth.

DAVY:
I love your neck.

COLETTE:
I love your neck.

DAVY:
I love you.

COLETTE:
My handsome prince.

DAVY:
Wait! I want to be honest with you. I’m not ready to get married.

COLETTE:
Oh, Davy, you must marry me. If you don’t, my father will make me marry Vidaru.

DAVY:
Isn’t there anything you can do about it?

COLETTE:
No. Only you can save me from him.

VIDARU:
That is enough. Our ancient laws do not permit further contact at the first meeting.

COLETTE:
Don’t fail me, Davy.

INT. NEHUDIAN HOTEL - HALLWAY

MIKE:
Well, is this the hotel that you said the maniac put the bomb in?

MICKY:
Yes, sir! This is the hotel that the maniac put the bomb in, sir. If it goes off, it will kill everybody around for a hundred meters, sir.

MIKE:
Ooh. Well, uh, I, uh, wait a minute. What do I—what’s that I hear?

MICKY:
Sir, that is the Geiger counter ticking.

MIKE:
What about—

MICKY:
That means the bomb is supposed to go. I said that is the Geiger counter ticking, sir. That’s the Geiger counter, sir.

MIKE:
Corporal. Corporal.

MICKY:
What, sir?

MIKE:
In there. In that room.

MICKY:
Is that it, sir?

MIKE:
I think that’s it.

MICKY:
Wait, sir! Look who’s here.

MIKE:
Flee, guardsman. Run for your life, guardsman. There’s a bomb in there. You may be killed. ???

MICKY:
It’s a bomb. Run for your life! Run for your life! The Geiger counter is ticking.

MIKE:
Let’s get in here.

INT. NEHUDIAN HOTEL - ROOM

MIKE:
Davy! Ooh. Hi. Hey.

MICKY:
Okay.

DAVY:
Where have you been, man? I never thought you’d get here.

MIKE:
Well, we thought that—

PETER:
What happened, man?

DAVY:
Well, I got—this king kidnapped me, and he wants me to marry his daughter.

MICKY:
Nice looking?

DAVY:
Well, you know he’s not bad for his age—

MICKY:
No, no. His daughter, his daughter.

DAVY:
Oh, yeah, his daughter’s smashing. I think she’s—

PETER:
Hey, hey, if you’re, if she’s re—if he’s really a king, and-and she’s really his daughter you’re going to marry, that makes you a—

HASSAR:
A prince. Who are they?

DAVY:
Oh, these are my friends, that’s, um, uh—

PETER:
♪ Hello… ♪

MICKY:
♪ Hello… ♪

MIKE:
♪ Hello… ♪

DAVY:
♪ Hello… ♪

HASSAR:
My daughter tells me that you don’t want to marry her.

DAVY:
Oh, now, it’s not that I don’t like her, it’s just that it’s all so sudden.

HASSAR:
Perhaps Shazar hasn’t told you what would be in store for you if you did marry her.

MIKE:
Well, now, wait a minute. Uh, just exactly what in store for Davy if, uh, he marries your daughter?

HASSAR:
This.

MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
Oh! Ooh! Ah!

DAVY:
Wh-what’s that? What’s that?

HASSAR:
This is where you would live.

MIKE:
That’s a little small, isn’t it?

HASSAR:
The palace has seven hundred bedrooms, twenty-two swimming pools, and an indoor polo field.

MICKY:
Seven hundred bedrooms?

PETER:
Yes, but what kind of a neighborhood is it in?

HASSAR:
Every year, you would have your weight in diamonds.

DAVY:
Um, do you mind if I, uh, talk it over with my friends here?

HASSAR:
Certainly.

DAVY:
What do you say?

MIKE:
No.

PETER:
No. I don’t think you should do it. No.

MICKY:
No, I don’t think you should do it either, man.

MIKE:
I don’t think so.

DAVY:
Well, you know.

MIKE:
If I’m, you know, if I was in your position—

MICKY:
If I was in—

MIKE:
—I don’t think I would.

PETER:
No, I wouldn’t do it, Davy.

MIKE:
No way. Absolutely not.

DAVY:
Wait. That’s exactly the way I was thinking.

PETER:
No, guy, I wouldn’t do it. No. Whatever you do, don’t do it.

MIKE:
No. Don’t do it.

MICKY:
Don’t do it.

DAVY:
I’m not going to do it.

HASSAR:
I should add that, uh, your friends would all become cabinet ministers in our government.

MICKY:
Well, we shouldn’t jump into this—

MIKE:
Now, what a minute—

PETER:
No.

MIKE:
Absolute—no, no. Absolutely not. It’s Davy’s choice.

HASSAR:
One more thing. Each of you could have his choice of a dozen wives.

MIKE:
Oh, lookie there.

MICKY:
Ooh. Ah, so, shalom, shalom.

MIKE:
What are you waiting for?

DAVY:
Well, I guess you’re right, man. It’s a lot better than getting killed, and, uh—

MIKE:
Sure, mm-hm, a lot better.

DAVY:
—maybe Nehudi’s the place to make a name for a group.

DAVY:
We’ll do it.

HASSAR:
Good. Let’s go and tell my daughter the good news.

MIKE:
Well, good luck with the, the mini skirts.

PETER:
Have a nice time, Davy.

MICKY:
Have a nice marriage.

CURAD:
Now there are four of them. Should I prepare the four beds?

VIDARU:
No, no, no. Prepare four coffins. They will not live the night. Huh?

INT. NEHUDIAN HOTEL - ROOM

MICKY:
Beautiful coast of Madagascar. Many years before—

DAVY:
Ah, Micky? Micky?

MICKY:
Yes?

DAVY:
I think I’m going to make you secretary of defense. Peter, don’t worry.

MICKY:
Oh, I’ll certainly keep it mended.

DAVY:
What?

MICKY:
The fence.

PETER:
Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

DAVY:
Uh, that’s very funny. Yeah, right.

MAIDEN #1:
Grapes, your highnesses?

DAVY:
Yeah, go on. They wanna have some grapes. Uh, could you peel ’em first, though? Charming. Charming. Uh, Mike, I think we’ll make you secretary of state.

MIKE:
Oh, um, okay, yeah.

DAVY:
Peter, don’t worry. I’ve got a great position for you. I’m going to make you the director of forests. How about that?

PETER:
You would.

CURAD:
Should I kill them now, master?

VIDARU:
No, no, no, no, no. Wait until they are separated, then kill each one differently. Then no one will be able to connect the murders. Eh?

INT. NEHUDIAN SECRETARY OF STATE OFFICE

MIKE:
Say, which sounds better in a peace treaty: “we humbly request” or “pretty please”?

MAIDEN #3:
I don’t know, but, uh, you have nice ears.

MIKE:
Ah, I think we should use “pretty please”.

INT. NEHUDIAN HOTEL - ROOM

SHAZAR:
Food for you, sir.

PETER:
Oh, how nice.

SHAZAR:
Uh, no. You must not eat without letting me see if it is safe.

PETER:
Oh. Okay.

SHAZAR:
Ah!

PETER:
How is it?

SHAZAR:
It’s poisoned. And… a little rare.

INT. NEHUDIAN SECRETARY OF STATE OFFICE

MIKE:
Oh, I love that. Keep that up. Hm, keeps the mind alive. Well, I’ll stick this here in the envelope, and make sure that it’s addressed to the Ice Capades, yes, and we’ll take the olive branch. Olive branch there for peace. I’ll take the dove there, the little fake bird. So, now we take the, oh, look at the, look at the papers falling off the desk. You know what I need? I need a paper weight.

MAIDEN #3:
Oh!

MIKE:
Thanks for the paper weight. What is this number with the concrete block?

INT. NEHUDIAN SECRETARY OF DEFENSE OFFICE

MICKY:
Navy, navy. I think the first thing I’ll do is modernize the navy. Let’s see, uh, modernization of navy. Uh, six dollars.

MAIDEN #2:
Six dollars? What’s that for?

MICKY:
New oars. Don’t—

MAIDEN #2:
You’re cute.

MICKY:
—touch me. Secretary of defense is never cute. They’re ruthless and ambitious and power hungry. Huh!

MAIDEN #2:
You wouldn’t hurt a fly.

MICKY:
A fly? No. But let Russia step that much out of line, and the dreaded Nehudi Camel Corps marches straight to Moscow!

MAIDEN #2:
You are ruthless.

MICKY:
Oh, and efficient too. Watch me cut thirty percent off this budget. That was figuratively speaking, of course.

INT. NEHUDIAN HOTEL - ROOM

COLETTE:
Ah, Davy. It’s so nice spending these last few moments alone.

DAVY:
What do you mean, “these last few moments”?

COLETTE:
At sundown, we must separate, and then we’re forbidden from seeing each other until the wedding.

DAVY:
Oh. Then we’d better kiss a little faster. Colette, do you think I’ll be alright as a prince? You know, I’ve never done thing type of thing before.

COLETTE:
Well, I’m sure you have a talent, but if you ever need any luck, this will help.

DAVY:
Oh, that’s sweet: an Arabian Cupid.

COLETTE:
No, Davy, someone’s trying to kill you.

DAVY:
Ooh!

INT. NEHUDIAN HOTEL - ROOM

MIKE:
We gotta split. It won’t be easy, but I have a plan.

MICKY:
We don’t need a plan. Got it made. We can get out of here. We can walk out.

DAVY:
What about Abdul?

MIKE:
Yeah?

MICKY:
Take care of him.

MIKE:
Oh, you’ll take care—

MICKY:
What’s the plan?

MIKE:
Well.

INT. NEHUDIAN HOTEL - HALLWAY

CURAD:
They are going to the banquet, sire.

VIDARU:
Good. Now I will use my cleverest plan. Go to the banquet hall and replace their glasses with these.

CURAD:
But the others are nicer.

VIDARU:
Oh, you idiot. This is the way we’re going to kill them. I have coated the walls of the goblets with a powerful explosive. When it comes time for them to make a toast, they will clink glasses, and then va-room! Go.

INT. COLETTE’S ROOM

MAIDEN #1:
You must warn him, your grace, or he will be killed.

COLETTE:
But I cannot. By now they are at the banquet, and the laws of my people forbid me from going there. You must warn him.

MAIDEN #1:
But your majesty, I will be seized before I even have a chance to explain it.

COLETTE:
Then be brief; tell him golden Grecian goblets guarantee graves.

INT. NEHUDIAN HOTEL - BANQUET HALL

DAVY:
Boy, that was really a smashing meal, wasn’t it?

MIKE:
Well, I don’t know; the pelican livers were a little tough.

DAVY:
Uh, how’d you like the piece of yak tail?

MIKE:
Well, I’ve had better.

VIDARU:
But your majesty, the stars warn against this marriage.

HASSAR:
It’s too late; the marriage will take place.

VIDARU:
Very well, your majesty, but I cannot be held responsible for what happens.

MAIDEN #1:
Listen to me carefully; I have a message from the princess.

PETER:
What’s the message?

MAIDEN #1:
Golden Grecian goblets guarantee graves.

PETER:
Golden g—? Hey, Micky. Golden Grecian goblets guarantee graves.

MICKY:
Golden Grecian goblets guarantee graves. Golden Grecian goblets guarantee graves. That’s pretty good. Try this one: rubber baby buggy bumpers.

PETER:
Rugger baby buggy bumpers. Rubber baby bug—rubber baby…

MIKE:
What do we play at the wedding?

DAVY:
How about “Here Comes the Bride”?

MIKE:
“Oh, Promise Me”, maybe?

DAVY:
Yeah.

PETER:
Hey, Mike?

MIKE:
What?

PETER:
Golden Grecian goblets guarantee graves.

MIKE:
No. Uh. Hum a few bars of it.

PETER:
Hey, Davy. I have a message from the princess.

HASSAR:
Gentleman.

DAVY:
Look, will you wait ’til he’s finished his speech?

PETER:
Oh. Oh.

HASSAR:
We are here tonight to honor a man who is about to marry my daughter and take over the leadership of our country. A good man, a strong man whose perseverance and fortitude have already carried him to achievements far beyond his tender years. Gentlemen: Davy Jones.

MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
Yay!

HASSAR:
A man of dignity and humility who has struggled against adversity and every conceivable hardship on the path to success. Gentlemen: Davy Jones.

MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
Yeah, hey!

HASSAR:
Who, today, is one of you, a commoner, and tomorrow, is one of us. The prince. May he be blessed with courage and beauty and sweetness all the days of his life, and a terrible curse upon his enemies. Gentlemen: Davy Jones.

MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
Yeah, hey!

PETER:
To Davy Jones!

MIKE:
Ah!

HASSAR:
What was that?

MIKE:
Yeah.

DAVY:
His glass.

VIDARU:
Oh, forget about that. Let’s clink glasses; it’s a toast.

DAVY:
How would you like to clink glasses with me?

VIDARU:
Well, no, I-I—

DAVY:
’Cause you know something’s wrong with mine, right?

MIKE:
Ooh!

HASSAR:
Vidaru. You tried to kill my future son-in-law?

VIDARU:
Oh, no, your majesty, I-I—

HASSAR:
How could you do this to me or to the land of your birth?

VIDARU:
The land of my birth? Dah! I am not a Nehudian. I was born in Enid, Oklahoma. I just came here to get your oil, which I’m gonna do right now.

“Love Is Only Sleeping”

INT. NEHUDIAN HOTEL - BANQUET HALL

HASSAR:
I am eternally grateful to you, Monkees. Ask anything you want; it is granted.

DAVY:
Anything?

HASSAR:
Anything.

DAVY:
We’d like freedom for us all.

MIKE:
Yeah.

HASSAR:
It is granted.

COLETTE:
Oh, Davy, does that mean—

DAVY:
I hate to run out on you like this, Colette, but it’s, it’s really for the best. I’m too young to get married, and now that Vidaru is out of the way, you really don’t have to worry.

COLETTE:
You’re right. I shouldn’t marry you.

DAVY:
Good, I’m glad you understand. I’m sure you’ll find someone that you like even better than me.

COLETTE:
I already have. Him.

“Cuddly Toy”

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Hey, mans, welcome back.

DAVY:
Thank you, Mr. Rafelson.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Welcome home, new year.

PETER:
Are we doing that?

MIKE:
Are we rolling?

PETER:
Are we rolling?

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Yeah, you’re on, babe.

PETER:
Thirty-four one thirty-five.

MICKY:
Soul brother!

DAVY:
My sister had another baby.

MIKE:
I had all the windows of my cars painted black.

PETER:
Hi, America. Hi, Television Land.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Hey, Micky, does—you think a—

MICKY:
I really hate these interviews, Bob.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
What are you wearing, babe?

MICKY:
A tablecloth.

MIKE:
Carpet.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
It’s been a couple of months since we’ve all seen ya, and you’ve changed.

PETER:
He’s wearing an earring.

MICKY:
This is a carpet from Davy Jones’ dining room.

DAVY:
That’s Mike line.

MIKE:
Thanks.

PETER:
Mike’s line. Mike’s line.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
And how about your hair? Where’d you get that from?

MICKY:
Uh, I just let it grow.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Peter, what have you got around your neck there?

PETER:
Beads.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Yeah, but what are they strung from?

PETER:
Well, uh, this one is, uh, strung…

MICKY:
Ha ha ha.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Davy, did you get to see your family this summer?

DAVY:
Yeah, I saw my father, my sisters.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
I wanna know—

MIKE:
Did you know—

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
What?

MIKE:
Did you know a chick mailed herself to Davy? Davy didn’t—

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Oh, yeah! What happened about that one?

DAVY:
Some, some young lady came up with the bright idea of mailing herself to us—

MIKE:
And it ruined her arm.

DAVY:
—and she put herself in a big box, put herself in a box this big, and sent herself out and put photographs on it, and we opened it, and this young lady popped out.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
What happened to her?

PETER:
Popped her back in again.

DAVY:
We shipped her to The Beatles.

MICKY:
I really hate these interviews.

MIKE:
We’ll do an interview together. You and me. Here we go. Well, uh, t-tell me, Mick, uh, where did you g—uh—

MICKY:
I really hate these interviews, Mike.

MIKE:
—get your hair? Oh.

PETER:
Thirty-five. Ah!

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Welcome back.

DAVY:
♪ Everyone… ♪

MIKE:
It’s because we walk so funny.