“Monkees in Texas” Script

EXT. KATE’S RANCH

PETER:
Okay? Okay? Okay? Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Where are we?

MICKY:
Huh?

MIKE:
We’ve been driving for three days.

PETER:
Yeah.

MIKE:
Yeah?

PETER:
Uh-huh.

MIKE:
We’re in Texas.

PETER:
Oh. Oh?

MIKE:
This is my Aunt Kate’s little green house.

MICKY:
Are you sure Aunt Kate won’t mind us coming?

MIKE:
The last time I was here, she said, “Drop in any time”.

DAVY:
When was that?

MIKE:
Spring of fifty-four.

MICKY:
Ha ha ha ha ha.

[Gunshots.]

MICKY:
It’s a good thing she wasn’t thrilled to see us.

PETER:
Hey, they weren’t shooting at us.

MIKE:
Hey, that’s Aunt Kate! I, uh, think we picked a bad time to come; we better leave. I think we picked a bad time to leave; let’s stay. Uh, let’s go help ’em.

DAVY:
Yeah.

MIKE:
Micky!

MICKY:
Ah!

INT. KATE’S HOUSE

MIKE:
Hey, Aunt Kate!

KATE:
Michael! Lucy, cover the door. Quick! Grab a rifle. No, no. One for each of you. From the rack.

MICKY:
Here’s a rifle.

???:
Military.

MICKY:
Here’s a rifle for you.

PETER:
Here’s a rifle for you.

MICKY:
Rifle for you. Okay. Ready, guys?

PETER:
Here we go.

MIKE:
Hey, guys.

MICKY:
Hi.

MIKE:
I don’t have a gun.

MICKY:
I don’t either have a gun. Do you have a gun?

PETER:
Son of a gun.

MICKY:
Winchester seventy-three.

DAVY:
Colt forty-five.

MIKE:
Smith and Wesson thirty-eight.

PETER:
Vintage sixty-six.

MIKE:
How in the world do you expect to do anything with vintage sixty-six?

PETER:
You’re right. I wish I had vintage fifty-five. Happy new year!

MIKE:
Happy new year. What is this?

PETER:
Bang! Bang bang bang! Bang! Bang bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

DAVY:
What is this “bang, bang, bang” stuff?

PETER:
Well, I hate violence. Besides, I have more shells than you. Bang bang bang bang! Bang bang bang bang bang! Bang! Bang! Bang bang bang bang!

BART:
Have you had enough, nesters?

MIKE:
The name is Nesmith, and if you’re gonna scream out in the middle of a war, get it right! That’s Nesmith.

PETER:
I thought Mike’s name was Nester?

MIKE:
N-E-P-K-Y-O-R-J-B—

KATE:
No, no. Nester means farmer. He’s right. He means nesters.

MIKE:
Oh. Oh, hey, I’m sorry. Uh, I didn’t realize, you know, and it seems like you were right in the first place, so go ahead with your speech.

BART:
I ain’t gonna quit ’til I drive you off your ranch!

PETER:
Oh, hey, that’s alright. We’ll take a taxi.

BART:
Okay, boys. Open up. We’ll fill that cabin so full of holes, it’ll look like a Swiss cheese.

KATE:
Ah!

MICKY:
Ah! They’re throwing everything at us but the kitchen sink.

MIKE:
Next time, will you keep your mouth shut?

MICKY:
Right. Mouth shut.

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

EXT. KATE’S RANCH

BART:
That’ll get ’em. Wait’ll they get a load of that!

DAVY:
Get back! Get back! I’ll get it. Okay, okay. It’s safe. It’s safe.

LUCY:
Ooh, you saved us! You saved us!

PETER:
Oh, Davy, congratulations!

MIKE:
Hey, way to go, Davy baby!

MICKY:
???

BART:
That ain’t just women. They got a lot of firepower in there.

RED:
Yeah, let’s beat it.

DAVY:
Hey, look, look. They’re leaving. They’re leaving.

PETER:
Hooray! You’re right.

DAVY:
Yay!

MICKY, MIKE:
They’re splitting, they’re running, we did it, they’re leaving! Yeah!

MICKY:
Happy new year!

DAVY:
Woo hoo!

MICKY:
Happy new year! Ha ha!

LUCY:
I wouldn’t be too happy about that; they’ll be back.

MICKY:
But we won’t! Ha!

DAVY:
Bye-bye.

MIKE:
Hold it, guys. We’ve got to stay.

MICKY:
Oh!

MICKY, PETER:
We’ve got to stay!

MICKY:
Yeah!

DAVY, MICKY, PETER:
Why?

MIKE:
Why? Why? Well, because a man’s first obligation is to his kinfolk.

DAVY, MICKY, PETER:
Right!

MIKE:
And because it’s better to have a brave death than a cowardly life.

DAVY, MICKY, PETER:
Right!

MIKE:
And besides that, they killed our golf cart.

???:
Ah.

DAVY:
Well, I’ll tell you one thing. If we’re gonna stay here, somebody’s got to go and get help.

PETER:
Yeah, me!

MICKY:
I’ll go.

PETER:
I’ll go. I’ll go.

MICKY:
Hey. I’ll go.

PETER:
I’ll leave.

MICKY:
I’ll go.

PETER:
I’ll get help. I’ll—

DAVY:
They’ll go.

KATE:
You’ll find the marshal in town, and, uh, try to act a bit more western, ’cause ’round here, they don’t take kindly to strangers.

MICKY:
No, Peter. No, no, no. You have to open the top one first—

PETER:
Micky.

MIKE:
What in the world is going on here, Aunt Kate?

KATE:
Well, ever since a year ago, Black Bart and his men have been trying to drive me off my ranch.

DAVY:
Black Bart?

KATE:
Young man, I want to thank you for helping us.

DAVY:
Oh, it was my pleasure.

MIKE:
Oh, I’m sorry. Uh, Aunt Kate, that’s Davy Jones. Uh, Davy, that’s Aunt Kate.

DAVY:
Hello.

KATE:
Hello, Davy.

MIKE:
Oh, and this is, uh, oh, I’m-I’m afraid I don’t know this lady here. Oh, my.

KATE:
Don’t you remember your baby cousin Lucy?

MIKE:
Huh? Lu—Lucy? Are you Lu—well, what—well, what ever happened to the-the bucked teeth, the knocked kneed, uh, stringy haired, bad complexion, little girl that I used to hang around with? Huh huh.

KATE:
That’s your other cousin, Clara. She still looks the same.

MIKE:
Oh, merciful heavens.

EXT. SHERIFF’S OFFICE

PETER:
Hey, Micky. How come I have to wear all this?

MICKY:
’Cause Aunt Kate said they don’t like strangers in town. Besides, you look very psychedelic.

PETER:
Oh. Heh heh. How!

MICKY:
It’s the peace symbol and the beads mostly.

PETER:
Oh. Okay.

MICKY:
Come on. Let’s go.

PETER:
Right, kemosabe.

MICKY:
What does “kemosabe” mean?

PETER:
Heh heh heh, heh heh. Don’t ask.

INT. SHERIFF’S OFFICE & JAIL

MICKY:
Marshal.

PETER:
Hey.

MICKY:
Marshal. Hey, Marshal!

MARSHALL:
Hold it right there, masked man!

PETER:
Huh?

MICKY:
Hey. Don’t you recognize the famous mask and the famous Indian companion, Pronto, and the famous silver bullets?

MARSHALL:
Hey, wait a minute. I think I do.

MICKY:
Sure!

MARSHALL:
Oh! Here we are: the Lone Stranger.

MICKY, PETER:
Right!

MARSHALL:
“Wanted for murder.” You’re under arrest!

MICKY:
Huh? I think we’re in a lot of trouble, Pronto.

PETER:
What do you mean “we,” white man?

MICKY:
Huh? Wait a minute. I’m not the Lone Stranger, I’m Micky Dolenz, and I’m here to report a raid at Kate Nesmith’s ranch. Black Bart’s gonna be there this afternoon.

MARSHALL:
Oh, I can’t come this afternoon; I’m busy shooting.

MICKY:
Oh, outlaws?

MARSHALL:
My TV series.

MICKY:
Oh.

PETER:
Heh heh heh heh.

MICKY:
How about this evening?

MARSHALL:
No, uh, Emmy dinner’s tonight. I’m up for an award.

PETER:
Oh, congratulations.

MARSHALL:
That’s enough out of you, Injun! Tell you what to do. You go down to the saloon and hire some outlaws.

MICKY:
You, a marshal, is telling me, a Micky Dolenz Monkee, to go to a common ordinary bar and hire common ordinary criminals?

MARSHALL:
That’s what I do whenever I need a posse.

EXT. KATE’S RANCH

DAVY:
It’s them. They’re coming back. They’re coming back! Mike! They’re coming back.

KATE:
It’s alright. It’s the Cartwheels.

MIKE:
Who are they?

KATE:
Ben Cartwheel and his two sons, Mule and Little Moe. They own half the valley.

CARTWHEEL:
Hello, Kate. How are ya?

KATE:
Hi, Ben.

CARTWHEEL:
Well, I haven’t seen you for some time. Hey, uh, water my horse, will you, son?

DAVY:
Water your horse? I’m not a stable boy!

CARTWHEEL:
I don’t care about your mental condition. Water my horse.

MIKE:
Ah, doesn’t care about his mental condition…

CARTWHEEL:
Heard a lot of shots, Kate. Uh, you alright?

MIKE:
No need to worry about Kate, Mr. Cartwheel. I’ll protect her.

CARTWHEEL:
Oh, Kate, these boys can’t protect you. Now, why don’t you sell your spread out to me? You won’t have to worry about Black Bart.

KATE:
Why, Ben, this ranch has been in my family for years. I do thank you, but I don’t aim to sell.

CARTWHEEL:
Alright, Kate, but my offer’s always good.

KATE:
Thank you.

CARTWHEEL:
Hey, what are you doing there?

DAVY:
You asked me to water your horse, didn’t you?

EXT. SALOON

MICKY:
Alright, now. We gotta go in there and act tough.

PETER:
What do you mean “act”?

MICKY:
Peter! Peter! What’s—what happened?

PETER:
Oh, Micky. They got me, man. They got me. Listen, the map to the gold mine, the map to the gold mine is—

MICKY:
Where is it? Where’s the map?

PETER:
Ah!

MICKY:
Come on, Peter. They didn’t get you.

PETER:
Hm? Oh. But I really had you fooled about that gold mine, didn’t I?

MICKY:
Yeah, right.

INT. TEXAS SALOON

MICKY:
Not now. This is a family show. Yuh!

BARTENDER:
“Family show”?

MICKY:
Excuse me, stranger.

DAVY:
Okay, big fella.

MICKY:
Hey, bartender. I hear you got some men here with prices on their heads.

BARTENDER:
That’s right.

MICKY:
Well. There they are.

BARTENDER:
What are you gonna have?

MICKY:
Sling me a shot of red eye, bartender. Sling me a sponge, bartender.

BARTENDER:
What’s yours, Injun?

PETER:
Milk. And leave-um bottle.

RED, SNEAK:
Milk?

SNEAK:
Hey, Red, I didn’t know you chewed tobacco.

RED:
I don’t. Bubblegum. We’ll see if these guys are really tough. Maybe Bart can use ’em.

SNEAK:
What are you doing in town?

MICKY:
We came to get some hired guns.

SNEAK:
It’s tough to get hired guns. Hired guns pretty fast on the draw.

MICKY:
Yeah, well, the faster the better.

SNEAK:
Are you fast?

MICKY:
Yeah, I’m fast. Want to see me draw?

SNEAK:
Yeah.

MICKY:
Want to see it again?

SNEAK:
You want to hook up with Black Bart?

MICKY:
Yeah. Hook up. That’s exactly what we want to do. Ha ha. Hook up. Yeah, you with me?

RED:
No, you’re with me. I’ll take you to him.

MICKY:
You’ll take me to him? Uh, how come he can’t come to us?

RED:
Black Bart comes to no man. I like your spirit. I’ll get my hat, and we’ll go.

PETER:
Hey, Micky. What are you doing?

MICKY:
I thought he meant hook up like in a fight. I didn’t know he meant hook up and that we’re gonna be criminals with him, huh. Act tough.

PETER:
Mm.

RED:
Go stake out the Nesmith place.

MICKY:
Act tough, Peter.

RED:
Let’s go.

EXT. KATE’S RANCH

KATE:
Our cattle were grazing right around here, then they started dying.

MIKE:
I can take this dirt into town. I’ll have it analyzed. When I get back, I’ll know one of two things.

KATE:
What’s that?

MIKE:
Well, either this dirt’s the cause of all your trouble, or I’m getting my hands dirty for nothing.

KATE:
Hm.

DAVY:
Ha ha.

INT. BART’S HIDEOUT

MICKY:
Alright, big loser. I’ll see your hundred, I’ll raise you a hundred more.

RED:
I think you’re bluffing.

PETER:
How’d you know, Red?

RED:
Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I’ll call ya.

SNEAK:
There’s only one guy left at the Nesmith ranch. Now is the time to get ’em.

RED:
Soon as Bart gets back.

MICKY:
Get over there and warn ’em. I’ll cover you.

PETER:
Right.

RED:
Hey! Where’s he going?

MICKY:
Uh, just went out to take a ride.

RED:
He ain’t back here in ten minutes, I’m killing you.

MICKY:
Uh! He’ll be back! Uh, Pete, ten minutes. You got ten minutes to be back! Ten minutes—uh. Be back. Nine minutes and fifty seconds. He’ll be back about nine-fifty—Peter’s always back on time. Nine minutes and fifty-five—Peter’s always back. When he says he’ll be back in ten minutes, boy, he’ll be back in nine minutes and thirty seconds now. Nine minutes and thirty seconds, Pete! Nine minutes and twenty seconds, Peter!

INT. KATE’S HOUSE

PETER:
Black Bart’s coming! Black Bart’s coming!

DAVY:
Peter, what you doing with a horse in the house?

PETER:
I went to the barn, but there wasn’t anybody there.

KATE:
Isn’t that dumb?

PETER:
I got to get back to the hideout and save Micky.

KATE:
Quick! Get to the Cartwheels for help.

DAVY:
I’ll go for the Cartwheels for help.

EXT. KATE’S RANCH

DAVY:
What happened to his head? Oh! Oh! Whoa! Huh! Whoa! Oh! Hey! Help me, someone!

EXT. CARTWHEEL’S RANCH

DAVY:
Oh! Mr. Cartwheel! Oh! Mr. Cartwheel! Oh! Oh! Mr. Cartwheel!

CARTWHEEL:
What’s the matter?

DAVY:
Black Bart’s gonna raid the ranch.

CARTWHEEL:
He is? How do you know?

DAVY:
One of his men told me.

CARTWHEEL:
Oh, good work, son. Go tell Miss Kate I’m coming with my men.

DAVY:
Uh, Mr. Cartwheel, there’s only one thing I’m afraid off.

CARTWHEEL:
What’s that?

DAVY:
I don’t think this horse is gonna find its way back to the ranch. Uh! Whoa! Ah! Mr. Cartwheel! Hey! Huh!

INT. TEXAS SALOON

MIKE:
Uh, h-hello. Can you tell me where the assayer’s office is?

BARTENDER:
This is it.

MIKE:
Oh. Well, uh, what I’d like is to have that analyzed. Can you tell me what that is?

BARTENDER:
I don’t have to analyze it. I can tell you what it is right now.

MIKE:
Wh-what?

BARTENDER:
It’s guck, and it’s disgusting. Go and get it out of here.

MIKE:
Oh, I’m sorry, I ju—hey, no. Wait a minute. I really need to know what’s in there. It’s important.

BARTENDER:
Alright. It’s crude.

MIKE:
Oh. Well, that’s okay. Go ahead. Tell me anyway.

BARTENDER:
No, I mean is it’s crude. Crude oil. Purest sample I ever seen.

MIKE:
It’s-it’s-it’s oil? Oh, it’s-it’s oi—it’s oil. Well, uh, uh, thank you very much.

BARTENDER:
Hey! Ain’t you gonna pay me?

MIKE:
Oh.

INT. BART’S HIDEOUT

PETER:
Davy should’ve gotten help by now.

MICKY:
Yeah, right. Alright. Where is this Black Bart? I got a cool eye and a mean hand and an itchy trigger finger.

BART:
Here I am. What are you going to do about that itchy trigger finger?

MICKY:
Oh, I don’t know. I thought I’d put a little talcum powder on it and scratch it for a couple hours. I’m sure it’ll go away. Heh heh.

BART:
Which one of you is a traitor? Somebody was just at the Nesmith ranch. Who was it?

RED, SNEAK:
The Injun.

PETER:
We’re in a lot of trouble, Micky.

MICKY:
What do you mean “we”, Injun?

BART:
Who’s he?

RED:
Uh, he’s new.

BART:
Are you a killer?

MICKY:
Yeah. Sure, I’m a killer.

BART:
Well, kill him.

MICKY:
I can’t—I can’t kill him. He’s my best friend. I’ve known him for two ye—

BART:
Ah!

MICKY:
Oh, we’re in a lot of trouble.

BART:
Cover ’em!

EXT. KATE’S RANCH

NARRATOR (V.O.):
Meanwhile, back at the ranch.

INT. KATE’S HOUSE

MIKE:
Kate, you started this ranch with a handful of dirt and a dream. Now, with this oil we’ve found, you’ll be one of the wealthiest ranchers in Texas. Not to mention having the dirtiest hands.

DAVY:
You’re gonna be filthy rich.

KATE:
If we survive.

MIKE:
If we survive? Ho, ho. The Cartwheels will be here any minute to save the day. Besides that, if we run out of ammunition, we can always throw money. Huh. Huh huh. Ha ha.

DAVY:
Throw money.

INT. BART’S HIDEOUT

SNEAK:
I was just at the assay office, and they know about the oil.

MICKY:
Oil? Oh, a-ha! That’s why they want Aunt Kate to move off her ranch. There’s oil on them there ranch.

PETER:
But what good would an oil well or even a string of oil wells do you?

BART:
It’d give me the one thing I want more than anything else in the world.

PETER:
What could that be?

BART:
Statehood for my ranch.

INT. KATE’S HOUSE

MIKE [on the phone]:
Are you sure it’s not listed, operator? It’s—I said, are you sure that it’s not listed? Are you sure that it’s not—are you sure it’s not listed, operator? It’s very important.

DAVY:
Mike! Mike! Mike!

MIKE:
What? What? Hm?

DAVY:
Who are you calling?

MIKE:
John Wayne.

MIKE [on the phone]:
Are you sure that it’s not listed?

DAVY:
Ah!

MIKE:
Ah! Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes.

DAVY:
What if they’re wearing masks?

MIKE:
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their masks.

DAVY:
Oh.

EXT. KATE’S RANCH

PETER:
Micky, why do you think they’re dressing us up like this, man?

MICKY:
Well, one of two reasons, Peter, my boy. Either they’re gonna blame us for the killings or they’ve already dressed us for our funerals to save time.

PETER:
Oh.

BART:
Now remember to take that woman alive. I want to give one last chance to sell out.

RED:
Supposing she won’t?

BART:
Well, then we’ll kill her and fake her signature. Of course, we’ll try it the clean way first. I’d hate to resort to forgery.

RED:
Ha ha ha ha ha!

MICKY:
Now.

PETER:
Now.

MICKY:
Hi-ya!

BART:
No, no. Let ’em go. We’ll kill ’em over there instead of here.

RED:
Ha ha ha. Okay, Black.

BART:
Call me Bart.

RED:
Bart.

EXT. KATE’S RANCH

MICKY:
Don’t shoot!

PETER:
Don’t shoot!

MICKY:
It’s us!

PETER:
It’s us!

MICKY:
It’s us!

PETER:
It’s us! Ho, ho. It’s us! It’s us!

DAVY, MIKE:
It’s them! It’s them!

KATE:
What’s the matter?

DAVY:
What-what-what-what’s happening here?

MICKY:
We got to get out of here before Cartwheel and his gang gets here.

KATE:
Ben Cartwheel?

PETER:
Also known as “Black Bart”.

KATE:
That’s ridiculous. Ben Cartwheel’s the kindest millionaire in the whole valley. He wouldn’t hurt a fly.

MICKY:
Flies? No. But if you’re a human, he’ll kill you.

???:
Come on.

“Words”

INT. KATE’S HOUSE

LUCY:
I wouldn’t be too happy about that. They’ll be back.

“Goin’ Down”