“Hitting the High Seas” Script

INT. CAFE

PETER:
I still don’t think he was fair to fire us.

DAVY:
Well, you know, Pete, we weren’t exactly a smash.

PETER:
Yes, we were. Only one person left before we were done.

MICKY:
That was half the audience.

PETER:
I still think he should have given us some notice.

MICKY:
He did. He said, “Get out in ten minutes, or I’ll beat you up.”

REYNOLDS:
Sure, it’s a good job, Harry, but where are we gonna find the guys that can handle it?

HOOKER:
How ’bout the guys down on the pier?

REYNOLDS:
Nah. Nah. We gotta have guys who are strong.

MICKY:
Yah, ah.

PETER:
Boy, you sure are strong, Micky.

HOOKER:
But strength ain’t enough.

REYNOLDS:
No, they gotta be able to use their hands.

PETER:
Boy, you sure know how to use your hands, Davy.

HOOKER:
They gotta have knowledge of the Seven Seas.

PETER:
Uh, Atlantic, Pacific, uh, Arctic, Antarctic, Baltic, uh, Northern, Mediterranean, Indian, uh, Lake Havasu, and, uh, the Mississippi.

MICKY:
Boy, Pete, you sure know how to use your mouth.

REYNOLDS:
Where are we gonna find hard drinking guys like that?

MICKY:
Ah!

HOOKER:
How ’bout these kids here?

REYNOLDS:
Uh, they don’t look like no sailors to me.

MICKY:
Ship ahoy, captain. Get a reading off that starboard bow.

DAVY:
Out the way.

MICKY:
Reading up—what are you doing?

PETER:
Shooting the sun.

REYNOLDS:
Yeah! That’s good enough for me.

HOOKER:
Well, that’s terrific.

REYNOLDS:
Hey, I guess I was wrong. What’s your price?

MICKY:
Well, uh, experienced sailors like us, we never work for less than a hundred dollars a day.

REYNOLDS:
Fifteen.

MICKY:
Sold.

REYNOLDS:
Okay. Six in the morning, pier three.

DAVY:
Three o’clock, pier six.

MICKY:
To the fastest talking, clever, shrewdest sailors on the high seas.

REYNOLDS:
I got ’em, captain. Just what you asked for: the dumbest, dullest suckers in the world. Ha ha ha ha!

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

EXT. SHIP - UPPER DECK

MICKY:
Request permission to go aboard, sir. We know what we’re doing.

DAVY:
Reading the handbook.

REYNOLDS:
You’re already on board.

MICKY:
Well, request permission to stay on board, sir.

REYNOLDS:
Of course, you can stay on board. You got no choice. Are you sure you guys was ever in the navy?

MIKE:
Peter, right here, sunk seven Japanese destroyers in one year.

REYNOLDS:
When was that?

PETER:
Last year.

MIKE:
Stupid question.

REYNOLDS:
Alright, then get to work. You man the spinnaker. You go abaft and handle the gaff rig. You check the boomvang, and you go down and fix the starboard ???.

MICKY:
Right. I’ll gaffer the seeber.

PETER:
Fix the garbird stripe, uh… ???

MICKY:
The boom vang. The boom vang is a large type of…

HOOKER:
What’s going on here? You guys loafing on the job?

MICKY:
Uh huh. Wait, no.

DAVY:
No, no.

MIKE:
No, no.

PETER:
No, no, no.

HOOKER:
Well, get over there and hoist the mainsail. Go on!

DAVY:
Right.

MIKE:
I understand now.

PETER:
Aye-aye, sir.

DAVY:
Sail.

MICKY:
Hoist the mainsail, Mike. Hoist the mainsail.

PETER:
Aye-aye. Aye-aye. Aye-aye. Aye-aye.

MIKE:
Hoist the main—I wonder which one’s the mainsail.

PETER:
Hm, that one.

MIKE:
Oh, yeah. I wonder which rope you pull to raise the mainsail.

MICKY:
Hey, Mike?

PETER:
I wonder.

MIKE:
Yeah? Okay, it says here, “Boat mainsail, put the left hand over the right hand on the rope. Put the left hand below the right hand…”

MICKY:
Right hand, pull.

MIKE:
“…in a nice slow, gradual mo—”

MICKY:
I got it. Right.

MICKY:
Oh, that’s great.

???:
Yo ho, yee ho.

HOOKER:
Hey!

PETER:
Mainsail secured, sir. Tied down.

DAVY:
Mainsail’s, uh, tied up.

MIKE:
Mainsail…

HOOKER:
Unfurl the sail!

???:
Yo ho, yee ho.

EXT. SHIP - UPPER DECK

DAVY:
Uh.

MICKY:
I’m gonna tr—let’s try one of these seasick pills. I’m gonna try one.

DAVY:
Boy.

MICKY:
Hey, it works. The seasick pills—

DAVY:
Have one. Have one.

PETER:
Take one Mike. Go ahead.

DAVY:
He’s sick.

MICKY:
Oh.

DAVY:
Oh.

MICKY:
That didn’t seem to work too well for you, Mike.

DAVY:
Well—

PETER:
I—

DAVY:
Better go below. Mike, go below. Go.

PETER:
Yeah, Mike.

DAVY:
Lie down, man.

PETER:
Go on. Lie down, Mike.

DAVY:
Call if you want something, you know.

EXT. SHIP - UPPER DECK

MICKY:
Heave ho. Heave ho.

HOOKER:
Captain coming on deck.

REYNOLDS:
All hands in formation. Line up. Attention!

CAPTAIN:
Hooker, read the roster.

HOOKER:
Aye-aye, sir. Reynolds?

REYNOLDS:
Here!

HOOKER:
Dolenz?

MICKY:
Here, sir.

HOOKER:
Tork?

DAVY:
Uh, hello.

MICKY:
Good evening, jolly good see to see you.

HOOKER:
Shut up!

DAVY:
But you said we could talk!

HOOKER:
Shut up! Tork?

PETER:
Here, sir.

CAPTAIN:
What’s that man doing up there?

MICKY:
Uh, he’s inspecting the mainsail, sir.

CAPTAIN:
What do you think you are, a flaming seagull? Now, get down here immediately.

PETER:
I can’t.

CAPTAIN:
That’s an order.

DAVY:
Peter! Ah! Oh! Peter. Oh!

MICKY:
Easy. Easy. Are you okay?

DAVY:
Oh! Are you okay?

PETER:
Yeah. Same as ever.

MICKY:
Oh, that’s too bad.

CAPTAIN:
Who are these fools?

MICKY:
The, uh, new shipmates, sir.

CAPTAIN:
Where did you get that long hair?

MICKY:
Well, there’s this little store on Sunset Strip.

CAPTAIN:
Cut it off.

DAVY:
Oh, no, we can’t.

PETER:
No, no.

MICKY:
No, we can’t cut it. We’d lose our strength.

CAPTAIN:
Disobeying the captain, eh? Alright, keelhaul ’em, and give them ten lashes for insubordination, and give them ten strokes more if they laugh.

HOOKER:
Aye-aye, sir. You, you, and you, follow me. ???

DAVY:
Oh! Ah! Oh! Ah! Ah!

HOOKER:
You’re gonna be keelhauled and lashed within an inch of your life.

DAVY:
You can’t do that. It’s against naval law.

CAPTAIN:
And who are you to tell me about naval law?

HOOKER:
His name is Jones, sir. Davy Jones.

CAPTAIN:
Davy Jones? As in, Davy Jones’s Locker?

MICKY:
Yeah. Right. It’s his great-great-grandfather, and when he’s twenty-five, he inherits the locker.

CAPTAIN:
A Davy Jones on my ship. Oh, what a tremendous stroke of luck!

DAVY:
Yeah. You’re right. That is very lucky.

MICKY:
I don’t feel so lucky.

REYNOLDS:
What do you wanna do with ’em, sir?

CAPTAIN:
Make ’em swab the deck.

MICKY:
Swab?

PETER:
Swab the deck?

MICKY:
Ew!

REYNOLDS:
Jones too?

CAPTAIN:
Oh, no. He’s going to be my cabin boy. Take him to the galley.

DAVY:
Oh, please. Not the galley. Oh, the galley. No, please. Don’t hang me. Don’t hang me.

MICKY:
No, no, no. Not the gallows, the galley.

DAVY:
Oh. You had me worried for a minute there. Heh heh.

INT. SHIP - LOWER DECK HALLWAY

DAVY:
Captain?

MICKY (AS CAPTAIN AHAB):
I’m Captain Ahab, and I sailed the Seven Seas all my life looking for the great white whale, Moby Dick. Have you seen him?

DAVY:
No.

MICKY (AS CAPTAIN AHAB):
Well, if you do, tell him I’m in my cabin.

DAVY:
Captain?

MICKY (AS CAPTAIN AHAB):
I’m Captain Arab, I’ve sailed the Seven Seas all—oh, it’s just you.

INT. SHIP - LOWER DECK ROOM

PETER:
Come here, wench. Oh, I like ’em with spirit.

INT. SHIP - LOWER DECK HALLWAY

DAVY:
Ooh!

INT. SHIP - LOWER DECK ROOM

PETER:
Well. There’s reasonable limits to everything.

INT. SHIP - LOWER DECK ROOM

MICKY (AS CAPTAIN HORNBLOWER):
Captain Hornblower, man. Groovy, Sock it to me. Yeah.

INT. SHIP - LOWER DECK HALLWAY

DAVY:
Captain?

CAPTAIN (V.O.):
Come in.

INT. SHIP - CAPTAIN’S ROOM

DAVY:
I brought your food, sir.

CAPTAIN:
Food? I’m too busy to eat now. Take it away.

DAVY:
Yes, sir.

CAPTAIN:
And close the door after you. Can’t you see I’m in conference?

DAVY:
Yes, sir. Heh.

INT. SHIP - LOWER DECK HALLWAY

DAVY:
In conference?

CAPTAIN (V.O.):
Horace, have you thought any more about the plan?

HORACE (V.O.):
Yes, and it’s even better now, rawk, now.

INT. SHIP - CAPTAIN’S ROOM

CAPTAIN:
Good. I’ll show them they can’t throw me out like an old shoe.

HORACE (V.O.):
Rawk! Forget about that. Think about the gold.

CAPTAIN:
That’s right. What’ll I care about them when we’ve got over a million dollars apiece? Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha!

HORACE (V.O.):
Rawk! Ho ho ho ho!

INT. SHIP - LOWER DECK HALLWAY

DAVY:
He’s crackers.

INT. SHIP - CREW ROOM

MICKY, PETER:
♪ Walking down the lonely street ♪
♪ I need someone to meet ♪
♪ I run across sweet looking you ♪
♪ Do you know what you do? ♪
♪ You tear the top right off my head ♪
♪ You blow my mind ♪
♪ I’m going blind ♪

DAVY:
Hey, they’re both crackers!

PETER:
What do you mean, crackers?

DAVY:
Crazy. They’re crazy.

PETER:
Who? Who’s crazy?

DAVY:
The captain.

PETER:
Ah, come on.

DAVY:
Honestly. He was asking advice from his parrot.

MICKY:
Was the parrot charging him?

DAVY:
No, no.

MICKY:
Well, then the parrot’s crackers then. Crazy.

DAVY:
Listen. I think they’re both crackers. Crazy. The-they have this mad scheme, and-and they seem to think it’s gonna make them both rich.

PETER:
How are they gonna do that?

DAVY:
Well, I don’t know, but I know how we can find out.

MICKY:
How?

DAVY:
Listen. Tonight, we’re gonna sneak into his cabin, and Micky, you are gonna imitate the parrot.

MICKY:
Right.

DAVY:
And then you can talk to him and find out what the plan is.

MICKY:
Right. Why me?

DAVY:
’Cause you’re the only one that can imitate a parrot.

INT. SHIP - CAPTAIN’S ROOM

DAVY:
Shh.

PETER:
Shh.

MICKY:
Ah!

PETER:
Ah!

DAVY:
Ah!

DAVY:
He’s asleep. Let’s take care of the parrot.

PETER:
Shh.

DAVY:
Shh.

MICKY:
Ah!

PETER:
Ah!

DAVY:
Ah!

HORACE (V.O.):
Ah, captain. Rawk. Ah, captain? Rawk. What are you doing? ???

MICKY:
Rawk, captain? Rawk, captain?

CAPTAIN:
What is it, Horace?

MICKY:
Rawk, I’ve been thinking about our plan, rawk, plan. I don’t think we should do it.

CAPTAIN:
Why not?

MICKY:
Risky. Too risky. Rawk! I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in jail, rawk, jail.

CAPTAIN:
But think of the money, Horace.

MICKY:
Rawk, money? What do I want money for? To throw away on some flashy macaw? Rawk!

CAPTAIN:
Oh, now, look, Horace.

MICKY:
Get under the table.

CAPTAIN:
It’s not only that. It’s a matter of principle.

MICKY:
Principle. What principle?

CAPTAIN:
Principle, Horace! Principle! I was captain of the Queen Anne for thirty years before they threw me out. Oh, Horace. If I had those swine here now, I’d slash ’em, and I’d slice ’em, and I’d rip them. What have you got to say about that, Horace?

MICKY:
Rawk! I’d say they better call before they come. Ah!

CAPTAIN:
You’re darn right, they’d better. Well, Horace, we’ve got a big day tomorrow. Let’s get some sleep.

MICKY:
Right, sleep, rawk, sleep.

EXT. SHIP - UPPER DECK

MICKY:
You see this is a fantasy.

PETER:
A fantasy?

MICKY:
He’s not really going to rob the Queen Anne.

PETER:
He’s not?

MICKY:
It’s a fantasy, developed in his subconscious mind to compensate for the frustrations that he en—that he endured as a child, and his—over the hostilities.

PETER:
Oh. I understand.

DAVY:
Yeah, yeah. I get it. I get it now. Yeah.

MAN (O.S.):
Attention! Captain coming on deck.

CAPTAIN:
Hoist the Jolly Roger!

PETER:
The Rolly Joger.

CAPTAIN:
Draw your sabers.

MICKY:
Sabers.

CAPTAIN:
Unwrap the cannon. Ha ha, ha ha ha!

MICKY:
They’re going to signal the ship.

CAPTAIN:
Robbery on the high seas.

MICKY:
You see, this is all a fantasy. We’re not really on the ship. It’s a fantasy concocted by our subconscious mind to compensate for the hostilities that…

PETER:
That the captain is gonna rob the Queen Anne.

MICKY:
Right.

EXT. SHIP - UPPER DECK

CAPTAIN:
Men, in a few hours, we board the Queen Anne and take all the golden bullion from her stores. This mission calls for bravery and valor. So, if there’s any man here feels he can’t participate because he’s afraid, let him take one step forward now.

MICKY:
Me, me. Right here, baby.

DAVY:
Th-th-that’s us. That’s us.

CAPTAIN:
Well, we’d be glad to drop you off.

PETER:
At the next port?

CAPTAIN:
No, right here.

MICKY:
Oh, I’m not afraid.

DAVY:
No. I’m ready. I’m ready.

CAPTAIN:
Here’s your swords and your pistols. Oh. And the lyrics of some of the better known pirate songs. I just hope you men are tough enough for this job.

MICKY:
Tough? Ha ha ha! Peter’s so tough, his nails get rusty.

DAVY:
Heh heh heh heh. He’s so tough, he loves the sight of blood, that he pours ketchup on-on everything he eats, even cornflakes.

CAPTAIN:
Now get over there and drill with the rest of the crew.

MICKY:
Right.

PETER:
Aye-aye, sir—oh.

DAVY:
Right.

MICKY:
Right.

CAPTAIN:
Hurry up!

INT. SHIP - CREW ROOM

MICKY:
Well, we gotta stop him somehow.

PETER:
Oh, yeah? How?

MICKY:
Well, what does any respectable crew do when the captain’s crazy? What did they do with Captain Queeg?

PETER:
Steal his strawberries.

MICKY:
No, they mutinied.

PETER:
Mutinied.

MICKY:
Mutinied.

DAVY, PETER:
Mutinied.

MICKY:
Peter, go incite the crew to mutiny.

PETER:
Incite.

MICKY:
Mutiny. Incite.

PETER:
Out of sight.

MICKY:
Out of sight.

PETER:
In sight.

MICKY:
Sock it to ’em.

PETER:
Sight.

MICKY:
Mutiny! Mutiny!

EXT. SHIP - UPPER DECK

PETER:
[mumbling]

INT. SHIP - CREW ROOM

MICKY:
Mutiny.

DAVY:
But we can’t do that.

MICKY:
Why?

DAVY:
I don’t know why.

MICKY:
How about if Clark Gable and Marlon Brando can do it, we can do it?

DAVY:
Okay.

MICKY:
Oh, great.

DAVY:
They do it all the time.

MICKY:
Yeah.

DAVY:
Let’s go do it.

MICKY:
We can do it. Mutiny!

EXT. SHIP - UPPER DECK

PETER:
[mumbling] I incited the men.

DAVY:
Boy, are they mad!

PETER:
When I incite, I incite.

MICKY:
Men. Hold it. True, we are sailors, but first, we are men.

CROWD:
Yeah!

MICKY:
And men were not meant to take abuse.

CROWD:
Yeah!

MICKY:
I’m glad to see all you men are behind me. Captain, come on deck. Captain, I’d like to inform you that we’re taking over your ship.

CAPTAIN:
You’re what?

MICKY:
Now, if you cooperate, I guarantee you safety for you and your parrot.

CAPTAIN:
Nobody mutinies on my ship.

HORACE (V.O.):
What about those guys in forty-nine?

CAPTAIN:
Ah, shut up, Horace.

MICKY:
I’m sorry, captain, but I must ask you for your sword.

CAPTAIN:
Never.

MICKY:
Never? Ha! Seize him! Men! Men? Peter, I thought you, uh, incited the men. What did you say?

PETER:
Mahaplmmahamuhuhmuh.

MICKY:
Hamahamuhamuh.

CAPTAIN:
Is he the only one responsible for this mutiny?

PETER:
Mutiny?

DAVY:
Mutiny? What mutiny?

PETER:
What mutiny? Did you hear a mutiny?

DAVY:
Never heard anything about mutiny.

CAPTAIN:
This man is leading a mutiny aboard my boat, and I want to know who’s helping him.

DAVY:
Uh, will it be easier on him, if you, if you find the others?

CAPTAIN:
No. He’ll die just the same.

PETER:
We told you not to try it. We said single handed mutinies never work, stranger.

CAPTAIN:
Stranger? I thought you came aboard with him.

DAVY:
Him? Nah, we never seen him before. We wouldn’t hang around with long haired weirdos like that, would we?

PETER:
Dirty Commie.

DAVY:
Yeah!

REYNOLDS:
These are the ones, captain. They’re all in it together, sir.

CAPTAIN:
I thought so. Get the planks.

HORACE (V.O.):
Bravo, captain. Drown the long haired weirdos. Weirdos.

EXT. SHIP - UPPER DECK

CAPTAIN:
Men, you’ve been found guilty of insubordination to a commanding officer, conspiring to mutiny, and, what is even worse, impersonating a parrot. Now, have you got anything to say before we execute sentence on you?

PETER:
Yes, I do. I’m innocent. I never impersonated a parrot in my life. I can’t even do a good cow. Moo.

DAVY:
See?

CAPTAIN:
Have you got anything else to say?

MICKY:
Good dog? Meow, meow.

DAVY:
Chicken?

MICKY:
Meow, meow.

DAVY:
Bwack bwack bwack.

PETER:
Cow? Cow?

DAVY:
Terrible ???

CAPTAIN:
Enough of this stalling. At the count of three, we dunk them. One, two, three!

MICKY:
Okay, we’ll go to our watery grave, but then you’ll never find out the secret.

CAPTAIN:
What secret?

MICKY:
Oh, no, never mind. That’s okay. We’ll go to our watery grave—

CAPTAIN:
But the secret! What’s the secret?

MICKY:
But you’ll never know the secret.

DAVY:
Never!

CAPTAIN:
Come back here!

MICKY:
We’re gonna die now. Bye.

CAPTAIN:
Come back here!

MICKY:
Bye, we’re dying, everybody.

CAPTAIN:
What’s the secret?

PETER:
Hey, guys. Hey, fellas.

DAVY:
What?

PETER:
What is the secret?

CAPTAIN:
A-ha! A clever ruse, but I’ve got a cleverer ruser. Men, this time we really do dunk them. At the count of three. One, two, three!

DAVY:
Oh!

HOOKER:
Ship ho! Queen Anne approaching off the starboard beam.

CAPTAIN:
Men, take your positions. Man the cannons! We’re pirates.

DAVY:
Queen Anne! Yeah! Yeah!

HOOKER:
Two hundred yards and closing fast. A hundred yards and closing fast.

CAPTAIN:
Load the cannonball.

HOOKER:
Fifty yards and closing fast.

CAPTAIN:
Range, fifty yards. Aim the cannon.

HOOKER:
Fire, captain. Fire the cannon!

CAPTAIN:
I’m the captain, and it’s my cannon, and I’ll tell him when to fire.

HOOKER:
Alright, don’t fire the cannon. It’s your boat.

CAPTAIN:
Light the fuse.

MICKY:
Look, cannons.

DAVY:
Guns.

PETER:
Knives.

DAVY:
Oh, we’ve gotta save the Queen Anne.

MICKY:
Right!

CAPTAIN:
Fire! They’re stealing my cannon. After them, men! Stop!

“Daydream Believer”

EXT. DOCK

MAYBERRY:
I came down here to thank you boys personally for everything that you’ve done.

MICKY:
Ah, it wasn’t anything.

MAYBERRY:
No, it was quite an achievement. You saved my ship, its gold, and all the passengers aboard it.

MICKY:
Well, kind of consider it a-a Monkee treat.

DAVY:
Also, tell me, who’s ringing that bleeding bell all the time here?

MAYBERRY:
And for these acts of bravery, by virtue of the power vested in me, I declare all of you first mates of this ship.

MICKY:
Aye, aye, thank you, captain.

DAVY:
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy! There’s that bell again.

MICKY:
Ship ahoy.

DAVY:
Tell me, i-i-if, um, if we’re gonna be the first mates, who’s going to be the captain?

MAYBERRY:
Your captain will be the most able seaman it was ever my pleasure to sail with.

HORACE (V.O.):
Alright, you guys. Rawk, go to work, rawk, go to work. Raw. I want discipline on my ship.

MICKY:
Polly want a bust in the mouth?

HORACE (V.O.):
Rawk! Hoist the mainsail! Rawk! Hard to starboard!

“Star Collector”