The Monkees Season 1 Quotes

1. “Royal Flush” Quotes

Play Mike: Do you know we haven’t worked in a month?
Peter: Gee, it seems more like four weeks.

Play Davy: [on the phone] Will you please look under Harmonica? H-A-R-M… Look, it’s a country! There is so! [hangs up]

Play Peter: How do we get into the adjoining room?
Micky: Very quietly.

Play Micky: Stand up, Davy, and show him how tall you are.
Davy: I am standing up.

2. “Monkee See, Monkee Die” Quotes

Play Mike: Well, uh, it’s a little gloomy, but, uh… we could probably work wonders with just a few geraniums.
Micky: Uh huh. You decorate; I’m leaving.

Play Ralph: A long time ago, you returned a wallet to Mr. Cunningham containing six hundred dollars. He always appreciated that.
Micky: Ah, ’cause it showed our honesty.
Ralph: Oh no, sir, because it wasn’t his wallet.

Play Mike: Wanna read my palm?
Micky: Nah, I’ll wait ’til they make it into a movie.

Play Micky: He’s in love.
Mike: Yeah, for the very first time today.

Play Ralph: It’s the middle of our foggy season.
Mike: Foggy season? What are ya—foggy season? When is that?
Ralph: It’s hard to estimate, sir. I’d say, approximately, from 1820 to 1975.

Play Micky: The lights! The lights! Where’d they go?
Peter: Someone turned on the dark!

3. “Monkee vs. Machine” Quotes

Play Peter: Just think, they put an ad in the paper to reach me! Ha ha ha.
Mike: That’s right.
Peter: Why didn’t they phone?

Play Peter: Listen, I’m a man!
DJ-61: In your spare time you are a man.

Play Mike: Look, man, it’s okay. Besides, you’ve go something the machine don’t have.
Peter: Hmm?
Mike: You got friends.
Micky: Hey, you got some friends, Pete? Bring ’em over someday!

Play Micky: My mommy won’t let me play with toys that, that burn or bash or scratch or, or go boom.

4. “Your Friendly Neighborhood Kidnappers” Quotes

Play Waitress: May I take your order now?
Micky: Oh, nothing for us, thanks. We just came in to have our clothes ripped off.

Play Micky: Careful! I may never play the guitar again!
Davy: But you’re the drummer.
Micky: Oh, that’s right. Okay, go ahead.

Play Micky: I’m gonna be a star!

Play Nick Trump: Oh, now, wait a minute!
Davy: Hey, don’t get so excited; they brought their own pretzels.

Play Micky: I can’t think with this bulb hanging over my head! … Thank you!

Play Micky: I’ve got a roll of pennies!
Mike: Very good. Now we’re gonna bribe our way out.

Play Davy: Can we go?
Interviewer: Uh, no, it’s just that we’re a minute short, and we’ve got to talk about something.
???: Again?
Davy: Another minute short?
Peter: Why don’t you time your shows better?

5. “The Spy who Came in from the Cool” Quotes

Play Davy: I just saw a fella talking to a popsicle.
Mike: Oh, yeah. Let me know if the popsicle talks back.

Play Micky: Hello, Chief? Send in Schwartz, Harold B.

Play Mike: You know that man over there?
The Chief: Huh?
Mike: He talks to popsicles.

Play Micky: This cufflink contains a miniaturized tape recorder.
Peter: If I wear two of them, can I record in stereo?

Play Genie: Do not fear, master. Your genie will help you.
Davy: Huh, imagine that; wrong show!

Play Davy: I got the confession!
Honeywell: What confession?
Davy: Boris, he nodded!
Honeywell: You can’t hear a nod!
[Davy nods]
Honeywell: What’d you say?

Play Madame Olinsky: I grow impatient!
Peter: I grow daffodils!

6. “Success Story” Quotes

Play Chef: I thought you said you could make spaghetti!
Mike: Well, I didn’t say that, I just said that, uh, you wouldn’t believe it!

Play Davy: Peter, as my devoted houseboy, what will be your main function?
Peter: I am born to serve my master and live only to perform his bidding.
Davy: Right. Now get me my comb.
Peter: Get it yourself!

Play Grandfather: Oh, that looks very good!
Mike: Oh, uh… merci, señor!

Play Peter: We could only afford one serving; yours is rubber!
Davy: But I’ll starve! …Is the fruit rubber?
Peter: No…
[Davy takes a bite of the apple]
Peter: …It’s plastic.

Play Rolls Owner: I’ve come about my Rolls!
Peter: Uh… the bakery’s next door!

Play Micky: You haven’t selected your seat! Yes, ah, do you have any preferences?
Grandfather: N—no, anywhere!
Micky: Well, I’ll give you 10A; that’s over the wing.
Grandfather: Fine!
Micky: Of course, a lot of people would rather sit inside the plane! Ah-ha-ha!

Play Micky: Tune in next week, ladies and gentlemen, when we’re another minute short.

7. “Monkees in a Ghost Town” Quotes

Play Davy: Hey, man, if this is a ghost town, what do you call that?
Mike: Well, offhand, I’d say it’s a circle of bullets around our feet.

Play Peter: First we get lost and run out of gas, and then Mike and Davy disappear, and then somebody starts shooting off with a machine gun, and now this guy is searching the town.
Micky: That’s for the benefit of any of you who’ve tuned in late. Now, back to our story!

Play Davy: I wonder what happened to Micky and Peter?
Mike: Maybe they’ll come see us on visiting day.

Play Peter: You can’t step on a spider!
Lenny: Why not?
Peter: It’ll rain.

Play Micky: It’s a shovel!
Peter: So what? We don’t have a sand box.

Play Peter: I thought we were gonna play baseball!
Mike: First we’ll escape, then we’ll play baseball.

Play Peter: Hey, doesn’t that gun ever run out of bullets?
Davy: Hey, it can’t, we’re the good guys!
[gun runs out of bullets]
Davy: I guess we’re not so good after all.

8. “Don’t Look a Gift Horse in the Mouth” Quotes

Play Mike: Davy, you and Peter go hide in the bedroom.
Davy: He already knows about us; it’s the horse we’ve got to hide.

Play Mike: Hi, I’m the fella that called before.
Dr. Mann: Where’s the monkey?
Mike: Oh, I’m the Monkee.
Dr. Mann: You’re the monkey? You don’t need a vet, young man, you need a psychiatrist!
Mike: No, wait a minute, you don’t, you don’t understand. I’m not a real monkey; I’m the kind of Monkee that sings!

Play Peter: I’m not a horse, I’m a Monkee!

Play Peter (as a horse): Hi, Mr. Babbit!
Mr. Babbit: It… talks…? [faints]

Play Mike: C’mon, we gotta go… plow the cow…
Micky: Something about… what, mm, I don’t… I’m supposed to milk the chickens…
Peter: I think we have to feed the south 40…
Davy: Feed the chickens to the cows…

Play Farmer Fisher: [hands Micky a bucket] Go milk the cow. See that you fill this.
Micky: Boy, that just proves how far out in the country we are!
Farmer Fisher: What do you mean?
Micky: The milkman doesn’t even deliver here!

Play Farmer Fisher: I want you boys to feel free to visit us.
Peter: Sure! Maybe we can even help with the chores!
Farmer Fisher: Oh no, no… just to visit’ll be fine.

9. “The Chaperone” Quotes

Play Peter: C’mon Davy, quit fooling around! What TV show was she watching?
Micky: Ours, I hope.

Play Davy: Oh, ’ello. Um, I’m selling magazine subscriptions.
General Vandenberg: Oh, working your way through college, eh?
Davy: No, I’m working my way down the block, eh.

Play General Vandenberg: You know, I can’t help thinking I know you from someplace.
Micky (as Mrs. Arcadian): Have you ever been to Palm Beach?
General Vandenberg: Yes!
Micky (as Mrs. Arcadian): Is it nice?

Play General Vandenberg: Where’s she going?
Mike: I give up, where?

Play Mr. Babbit: So, tell me, uh, how, how do you like this apartment? You know, I could kick the boys out.
Micky (as Mrs. Arcadian): Oh, I couldn’t stand living in a place like this… heh, and you really wouldn’t wanna do that to the boys. Why, they think the world of you! Why, they were just talking about you before you came in!
Mr. Babbit: Really?
Micky (as Mrs. Arcadian): Yes… what’s a bloodsucker?

Play Micky: There’s only one thing that bothers me though…
Mike: What?
Micky: Do I gotta… give back the ring?

10. “Here Come The Monkees (The Pilot)” Quotes

Play Mike: Okay, so what do you wanna do?
Davy: I wanna help her.
Micky: Sure you wanna help, I wanna help Peter too, but I can’t; he’s a bird brain.

Play Davy: Me? You must be joking!

Play Vanessa Russell: Hi there!
Davy: ’Ello, luv!

Play Micky: When Patrick Henry was in Virginia
Micky & Peter: He made a speech we all recall
Micky, Peter & Mike: He said to the people of the Charlottetown
Micky, Peter, Mike & Davy: “United we stand, divided we fall”

Play Mike: You are evil!

Play Peter: You’ll never take us alive!

Play Micky: Hi, uh, tonight, we’re a minute short as usual, so we’re going to show you two spontaneous, unrehearsed, uh, screen tests that were done of Mike and Davy before The Monkees, we started filming, before we, like, knew what all was gonna happen, these were two screen tests that we did, and they’re in black and white so don’t worry, the color is okay… [to Peter] what do you talk so much for?

Play Interviewer: Tell me the Colonel Mallory story.
Mike: No. Uh, because that’s a very dumb story. However, I will tell you about the time that I was in the Air Force, and I tumped over a general’s airplane… One time, I was in the Air Force…
Interviewer: I don’t believe it.
Mike: And—no!—I turned over the general’s airplane… that’s about the time…
Interviewer?: Turned over?
Mike: Yeah, that’s about the time… I was in the general’s airplane.

11. “Monkees a la Carte” Quotes

Play Davy: Now look, I’m telling you, that guy’s tough! He even wears a pinstripe suit!
Micky: What’s so tough about that?
Davy: It’s got real pins in it.

Play Rocco: Boss, there’s a guitar in this guitar case!

Play Peter: What did *I* do?
Mike: I don’t know, man, but don’t do it again!

Play Peter: Is it true that there are no two glove prints alike in the world?

Play Fuselli: I’m gonna kill that little one.

Play Micky: Okay, pick a number between one and ten.
Mike: Um, 14.
Micky: Right!

12. “I’ve Got a Little Song Here” Quotes

Play Mike: It says “Congratulations! Because of your unusual taste and achievements, you’ve been selected for this exclusive offer.”
Micky: That’s for you, Mike?
Mike: Well, yeah, it’s “Dear occupant”.

Play Micky: In 1952, all America was humming this never-to-be-forgotten hit! …what was the name of that hit?

Play Mike: You don’t like it.
Bernie Class: No, I don’t like it… I love it!
Mike: You do?!
Bernie Class: And you know what else, Nesbinn? I’m gonna see that your song gets the Joanie Jans! It’s beautiful, beautiful! [sings] I’m gonna buy me a song—I’m gonna buy me a dog!
Mike: No… [sings] I’m gonna buy me a dog—Joanie Jans?! She’s the hottest thing in show business!

Play Bernie Class: How old are you?
Mike: Twenty-one.
Bernie Class: When I was your age, I was twenty-two!

Play Mike: Hello, Mr. Conway? This is Mike Nesmith… a, no, Mike Nesmith… Nesmith… yeah. Well, you probably don’t remember me, we met on a bus about five years ago.

Play Davy: Hey, man, will you remember us when you’re rich and famous?
Mike: Aw, you know I will, Danny.
Davy: Davy!

Play Mike: Does the name Mike Nesmith mean anything to you?
Joanie Jans: No… it’s only a rumor. We’re just… good friends.

Play Micky (as M.D.): Oh, baby, it’s gonna be my biggest one yet! Three years in the making… seven hundred and forty cast members, three hundred and fifty crew members, and twenty-two thousand extras!
Watchman: What was your greatest expense?
Micky (as M.D.): Coffee and donuts.

13. “One Man Shy” Quotes

Play Ronnie Farnsworth: You, uh, really get a big kick out of yourself, don’tcha?
Mike: Yeah, well, I’m all I have.
Ronnie Farnsworth: That’s too bad.

Play Micky: You do and I’ll be sorry!

Play Micky: Didn’t anybody ever have a crush on you or nothin’?
Peter: I once got some threatening valentines.

Play Micky: Tell me your problems, my boy.
Peter: Well, when I was very young, I used to be embarrassed about kissing. But now I can talk very openly about… [whispers] S-E-X.

Play Peter: I read an interesting music about books and politics today. It was very interesting.

Play Micky: You’ve heard of the New York Stock Exchange?
Valleri Cartwright: Why, yes.
Micky: Yes, well, he owns the New Tork Stock Exchange!

Play Davy: Oh, hello. I’m Mr. Tork’s private English tailor.
Valleri Cartwright: Oh, really?
Davy: Yes, isn’t that nice? Yes.

Play Ronnie Farnsworth: They are just fifth-rate musicians!
Micky: Third-rate musicians!

14. “Dance, Monkee, Dance” Quotes

Play Miss Buntwell: Now look, hun, all I need is your name, alright?
Peter: …Could you give me a hint?

Play Mike: It’s the lifetime… contract.
Davy and Micky: Lifetime!?
Mike: Yeah… and it’s… with an option for renewal.

Play Mike: Well, I see now, you can’t send a boy to do a man’s boj… uh, uh… job… badge… you can’t boj a boy to send a job…

Play Mike: One, two, three, four, sit and kiss!
Miss Buntwell: Oh, but the music has stopped!
Mike: Well, who needs music?

Play Micky: Hey, that little guy looks just like Davy!
Peter: It is Davy.

Play Micky: Are we gonna do this every lesson?
Davy: You must be joking! You know how much it costs for those sets and costumes?

Play Mike: My heart is burning! You don’t realize it, but I can’t sleep at night! I can’t eat! I can’t drink!
Miss Buntwell: Why not?
Mike: ’Cause I don’t have no money.
Miss Buntwell: Ohh.

Play Dancing Smoothie: We know every dance in the book.
Mike: Do you know the mugoomba?
Dancing Smoothie: No, how does that go?
Mike: Well, first you raise your left arm… and then you raise you right arm… okay…
Monkees: This is a stick-up!

15. “Too Many Girls” Quotes

Play Davy: Listen, I’ll tell you what, fellas, I’ll never look at another girl, ever.
Mike: Would you mind to make that in the form of a vow?
Davy: Yeah, I’d love to.
Mike: Okay, I.
Davy: I.
Mike: Vow.
Davy: Vow.
Mike: No more.
Davy: No more.
Mike: Girls.
Davy: Girls.

Play Davy: Do you care for a spot of tea?
Micky: I’d rather have the whole cup.
Davy: A-ha-ha-ha.

Play Mrs. Badderly: I see that within twenty-four hours you’re going to meet a girl and fall in love.
Micky: Oh.
Mike: Yeah, well, he does that everyday.

Play Micky: Girl scout my… [cuckoo]!

Play Davy: You can’t lock me up like an animal! I know why ’es doin’ it. It’s ’cause I’m short, that’s why. I’m short, that’ it.

Play Davy: My name’s David Jones, and… I think I love you.

Play Peter: I myself am deeply jealous.

Play Micky: I wanna tell you about my family, now. Now, take my wife. Please, take my wife!

Play Mr. Hack: Ladies and gentlemen, we’ll return with one more act after a word from our sponsor.
Micky: Their sponsor?
Mike: Our sponsor.
Monkees: Our sponsor.
Peter: Monkees.

16. “Son of a Gypsy” Quotes

Play Peter: Oh, the woods are just so beautiful…!
Micky: Yeah, famous last words.
Peter: Whose?
Mike, Micky, and Davy: Little Red Riding Hood.

Play Micky: What does this one stand for?
Rocco: This pin stands for holding up the chart.

Play Maria: We are all thieves at heart.
Davy: Where did she get that idea?
Mike: She stole it.

Play Davy: It’s okay; you can stand up now.
Micky, Peter, and Mike: …We are standing up.

Play Davy: Hey, man, if we don’t get the vulture by midnight, it’s curtains for Peter!
Marco: No curtains for Peter. Death for Peter!

Play Micky: Alright, stick ’em up!
Mike: Help, help. Help. Robbery. Who is this masked man, anyway? Help, help. Gun. Oh, terror, terror, burglar. Burglar, help. Help, help. Wallet, mine… his now.

Play Guard: Can’t you guys read?
Micky: Uh, no. We’re musicians.

Play Micky: Hey, I don’t like the way that guard’s acting.
Davy: What are you, a talent scout or something?

Play Maria: Yes, you boys have showed us that my boys can make a faster dollar in show business.
Marco: And with as little talent, too.

17. “The Case of the Missing Monkee” Quotes

Play Nurse: I don’t suppose you’re old enough to qualify under Medicare.
Davy: Well, heh, I wasn’t when I came in here, but uh…

Play Mike: Well, um, I guess we start looking for Peter.
Davy: We can’t!
Mike: Why?
Davy: I’m sick!

Play Dr. Marcovich: He knows too much!
Peter: Thank you!

Play Peter: How long before I get my memory back?
Dr. Marcovich: A normal brain should be out of commission for three days. But in your case, we are safe to say until early spring.

Play Mike: Hello?… Yeah, Bruno just gave us physical therapy… Yeah, Peter’s somewhere in the hospital… Yeah, Dr. Schnitzler’s still missing… Okay, goodbye.
Micky: That was the police?
Mike: No, it’s TV Guide.

Play Micky: Uh, Peter, we’re gonna try to scare you, so don’t be scared.

Play Mike, Micky, and Davy: Boo!
Peter: What are you trying to do, give me a heart attack?
Davy: Look, we’re sorry, Peter. We were just trying to help you, you know.
Peter: That’s alright, Micky.
Davy: …Micky! He knows me! He knows me!… No. I’m Davy.

Play Mike: Peter, you stay here and play dumb.
Peter: Why am I always the one to play dumb? Why can’t I play smart once in awhile?

18. “I Was a Teenage Monster” Quotes

Play Peter: Fellas, I find it hard to believe he’s dangerous.
Davy: I find it very hard to believe Peter.

Play Micky: Boy fellas, it’s really amazing to think that a monster was created in this very laboratory!
Mike: AHHHH!
Micky: What’s the matter?
Mike: You almost dropped his mother.

Play Micky: Now how does it look?
Mike: It’s looks like a long haired, near-sighted monster with a guitar.

Play Mike: Oh, this whole place is too weird. I think two hundred dollars’s not gonna do us any good if we’re dead.
Micky: No, man, we should’ve asked for two fifty.

Play Micky: Okay, Mike, how do you feel?
Mike: Kill! Kill!
Davy: Hey Micky, what you’ve done to Mike?
Micky: Yeah, his uh, voice isn’t usually that deep, is it?

19. “The Audition (Find The Monkees)” Quotes

Play Peter: Boy, it’s not fair; we’re as bad as any other group in town.

Play Micky: Oh, Peter. Please tell me it isn’t the hiccups.
Peter: It isn’t the [hic] ups.

Play Peter: I’m sorry about this, but I always get the hiccups when I perform for a big producer.
Mike: What are you talking about? It’s the first time you ever performed for a big producer.
Peter: Well, it’s a hundred percent so far.

Play Mike: He’s gone!
Micky and Davy: He’s gone!

Play Micky: A lot of people and journalists don’t know how to spell “demonstration” so they use the word “riot” because it only has four letters.

20. “Monkees in the Ring” Quotes

Play Sholto: You’re a good boy, and I like a good boy.
Davy: Oh, thank you very much, can I have a cookie?

Play Micky: Think of your hands… your beautiful hands! You’ll never play the violin again!
Davy: But I don’t play the violin.
Micky: You could learn.
Mike: He could learn! Ha… ha…

Play Micky: Hey, what do you get out of this, Shylock—
Mike: Sholto!
Micky:—Sholto?
Sholto: Just a small piece of Davy’s purse.
Peter: He doesn’t carry a purse; he carries a wallet!

Play Sholto: Do you know the thing closest to my heart?
Mike, Micky, and Peter: Your lungs.

Play Reporter: Davy, is it true you call your mother every time you win a fight?
Davy: Yeah, that’s right.
Reporter: What do you do if the opponent wins?
Davy: I call his mother.

21. “The Prince and the Paupers” Quotes

Play Davy: What are you doing in America?
Prince Ludlow: I’ve come to your country to try and find a bride. Under the terms of my nation’s constitution, if I’m still unwed by my eighteenth birthday, my throne passes to Count Myron.
Davy: That sounds crazy to me!
Prince Ludlow: I know, that’s what I told the producers.

Play Micky: Oh, really, girls find him very sweet.
Peter: He makes their teeth decay.

Play Davy (as Prince Ludlow): Miss Forsythe, uh, Wendy… will you marry me?
Mike: Ooh, that’s fast!
Davy (as Prince Ludlow): Shut up.

Play Wendy Forsythe: Ludlow, I’m so happy. There’s no one in the world like you.
Mike: I wouldn’t be too sure about that…
Davy (as Prince Ludlow): Shut up.

Play Mike: Y’know, there was a wise old man, lived about five thousand years ago.
Davy: Really?
Mike: Name was Ling Foo Yang, and he once said, he said, “if apple seed turns to wing, it’ll fly away a beautiful butterfly, but if a butterfly turns into apple seed, it’ll just lay there on the ground.” That’s what Ling Foo Yang said five thousand years ago.
Davy: Oh really? What does that mean?
Mike: I just don’t have any idea.

Play Micky: You know, I can tell who’s gonna wear the pants in that family.
Peter: With a figure like Wendy’s, I hope it’s her.

22. “Monkees at the Circus” Quotes

Play Peter: Well, why don’t we just snick inside and take a look?
Mike: What are ya, “snick”? It’s not “snick”; it’s “sneak”! Yeah. I sneak, and you sneak, and we sneak…
Peter: Oh, good, then we can all get in!

Play Micky: You do and I’ll be sorry!

Play Victor: You’re amazing.
Davy: Non, he’s ahmazing, I’m incredibole.

Play Victor: You come all the way from France?
Davy: It was on the way.
Peter: We were headed for Belgium.

Play Davy: Of course, we no longer perform the act.
Victor: No more nerve, hmm?
Davy: No more glasses.

Play Susan: What are you going to do? Tonight’s a sell out! The whole town’ll be here!
Micky: Well, for our first act, we could get out of town! A ha ha… joke, little joke, get it? Little joke, about that big…

23. “Captain Crocodile” Quotes

Play Junior Pinter: You think I’m short?
Mike: Well, uh, no, where’d you get that idea?
Junior Pinter: From the people who are taller than I am.
Davy: You know, I think he’s quite tall meself.
Micky: You would.

Play Mike: Well, that was it! How did it go? How did it go? How did it go?
Stage Manager: How did what go? We’ve been off the air for five minutes.

Play Mike: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I’m Mike Nesmith, and on my left is the delightful and charming personality David Jones.
Davy: Thank you, Mike.
Mike: No sweat.
Davy: And on my left is the charming and delightful Peter Tork.
Peter: Thank you, David. And on my charming and delightful is the left moderator Micky Dolenz.

Play Mike: My name is David Jones.
Davy: My name is David Jones.
Peter: My name is David Jones.
Micky: Will the real David Jones please stand up?
Davy: …I am standing up.

Play Peter: Kretch?

Play Davy (as Ruben the Tadpole): Holy frogs legs! That really makes me mad!

Play J.J. Pontoon: Now, before The Monkees appeared, did your grandchildren ever watch the show?
Mike (as Janitor): Oh, no, no. I seen it once. I ’member seeing it well. I watched it for about five minutes, then I thought to myself, “why am I sitting here watching this show when I could be out cleaning garbage cans?”

24. “Monkees a la Mode” Quotes

Play Mike: Some fashion magazine says here, “neck lines are plunging lower every year. This year the V will go down to the tummy in something of a ‘peek-a-boo’ effect. Get into the swing of fashions and have your own ‘naval observatory’.”
Davy: You must be joking.
Mike: You’re right, I am. It doesn’t say that at all.

Play Davy: “Why not take lil’ metal bottle tops and nail them to your living room floor. It gives you the impression that you are walking upon… lil’… metal… bottle tops…”?

Play Toby Willis: You see, what we wanna do is show what you are, and the way you live.
Davy: What? You wanna get us arrested?

Play Rob Roy Fingerhead: You like living here?
Peter: Very much.
Rob Roy Fingerhead: Then why are you looking so pained?
Peter: ’Cause you’re standing on my hand!

Play Micky: The British are com… the British are… the British are coming… over to my house for a party tonight! Ha ha.

Play Assistant #2: Tell me, Mr. Jones. What do you look for in a girl?
Davy: Well, um, uh, it all depends what I’ve lost.

25. “Alias Micky Dolenz” Quotes

Play Captain: Take a look at that face.
[Captain shows picture of Babyface]
Micky: Yuck!
Mike: Oh, ugly! Oh, that guy is ugly!
Captain: You know who that is?
Micky: Well, whoever he is, he’s a sneaky, vicious, mean type looking person.
Mike: Vicious, sneaky… ew!
[Captain shows Micky a mirror]
Micky: Why… that¯that’s me! That honest looking, handsome face guy is me!

Play Babyface: First I, uh, grab ’em by the shirt… then I look ’em in the eye… and I say, uh… so’s your ol’ man.
Micky: So’s your ol’ man.
Babyface: Get lost.
Micky: Get lost.
Babyface: Hey, you’re pretty good.
Micky: Hey, you’re pretty good.
Babyface: Okay, okay.
Micky: Okay, okay.
Babyface: Shut up! You got it already!

Play Tony Ferano: Didn’t they spot you with their search lights?
Micky (as Babyface): Nah, I fixed it so their search lights was useless.
Vince: How did you do that?
Micky (as Babyface): Busted out in the daytime.

Play Babyface: Just uh, ask me about some of the jobs we pulled together.
Tony Ferano: Who drove the getaway car in the Seaman’s Bank job?
Babyface: Steve Blauner.
Micky (as Babyface): Steve Blauner.
Tony Ferano: What was the one thing Steve did wrong when he drove the getaway car?
Micky (as Babyface): Hit a cop.
Babyface: Hey, that was in the papers!
Peter: He’s got you there, Micky!

Play Micky: Gosharooney!

Play Interviewer: Hey, Davy, tell me more about the pressure that builds up at the end of a day.
Davy: Well, everybody’s tired and they get irritable, y’know? And everybody starts gettin’ mad, and y’know, everybody wants to go home, man, it’s a drag, sittin’ here talkin’ to you!
Interviewer: Okay, babe.

26. “Monkee Chow Mein” Quotes

Play Mike: Whew, well, I knew we were light tippers, but that’s ridiculous.

Play Peter: If they kidnap me tonight and kill me, I want you to have my new sport jacket.
Davy: Oh, Peter, will you stop that? They’re never gonna kill ya, do you understand? Nothing’s gonna happen to ya. Come on… Eh, what color’s your new sports jacket?

Play Dragonman: You fool! Once again, you have brought me wrong man!
Micky: You fool! You’ve again brought him the wrong one. Bye.

Play Inspector Blount : In our business, secrecy is our most important weapon. Utter secrecy!
Mike, Peter, Davy: Secrecy, secrecy, secrecy, secrecy, secrecy, secrecy, secrecy…
Inspector Blount : What are you doing?
Mike: Uttering secrecy.

Play Mike: Okay, guys, let’s go!
Davy: Wot?
Mike: Um, I mean, Davy.

Play Mike: You serve crabs?
Chang: We serve anybody!

Play Chang: May I take your order please?
Davy: I’d-a like-a medium-a pizza with-a anchovies and-a-a like a sausage, onions, and a lot-a cheese-a please-a.

Play Dragonman: You expect me to believe you make money singing like that?
Micky: I didn’t say we made money; I said we sing.

Play Mike: Gee, you know, I never realized you could get so hungry saving your country.
Davy: I come from England, and I’m hungry.

27. “Monkee Mother” Quotes

Play Millie: We mustn’t make a fuss about going to sleep, and food should not be eaten with the fingers.
Mike: Um, the fingers should be eaten separately.

Play Mike: Look, she’s a terror!
Micky, Peter, and Davy: Right!
Mike: She’s gotta be stopped!
Micky, Peter, and Davy: Right!
Mike: Well, somebody’s gotta tell her!
Micky, Peter, and Davy: Right!
Mike: Well, who’s gonna tell her?
Micky, Peter, and Davy: You!

Play Micky: My arms, I can’t move my arms.
Mike: I can’t move your arms either.

Play Millie: Look what I got! I found her at the supermarket.
[Millie shows them Clarice]
Peter: I don’t know where we’re gonna put her; there’s no room in the refrigerator.

Play Millie: Davy, Clarice is English, and she’s not married yet.
Davy: Well, it’s only two o’clock in the afternoon; she’s still got time.

Play Clarice: Do you really know Rex Harrison?
Davy: No.
Clarice: Actually, I don’t care.
Davy: I’m no good for you, you know.
Clarice: I don’t care.
Davy: Terrible temper.
Clarice: I don’t care.
Davy: I wander.
Clarice: I don’t care.
Davy: Cruel, too.
Clarice: I don’t care.
Davy: I love you, Clarice!
Clarice: I don’t care.

28. “Monkees on the Line” Quotes

Play Mike: Okay, fine, I got the number of this answering service out of the phone book, and we’ll just call ’em up… I mean, you never know how many new things are gonna open up for you when there’s somebody always there to answer your phone. You can get jobs and millions of things… there’s always somebody there, morning, noon, and night, twenty-four hours a day, they’re right there on the job and never fail.
Micky: Well?
Mike: Well, it’s… there’s no answer.

Play Mrs. Drehdal: Well, which one of you is on the first shift?
The Monkees: Me! Me! I’ll do it! I’ll do it!
Mike: Hold it! Wait a minute! Let’s, uh, decide this democratically.
Peter: We’ll choose fingers.
Mike: Yes, I choose that one—Ooh! I won! I won! That means that I’ve got the city in my fingertips!
Peter: How come Mike always wins?
Micky: He has six fingers on that hand.

Play Mike: There’s a bed in the wall!

Play Mike: In there! She’s in there!
Micky: She must be awful skinny.

Play Mike: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Where’s my hat? Can I have my hat, please? Hat, please! Thank you, babe!
Micky: Where’d you get that?
Mike: From the wardrobe.

Play Micky: Peter’s missing!
Mike: Missing? Did you look on the piano?
Micky: What’d he say?
Davy: He said “did you look on the piano?”.
Micky: [to Davy] There’s no piano here!
Davy: [to Mike] There’s no piano here!
Mike: Oh, well then that’s why he’s missing.

Play Micky: Hey, what happened to that girl?
Mike: Oh, well, through my clever manipulation of her heartstrings, and uh, my masculinity, and my persuasiveness, she—
Davy: Jumped out the window?
Mike: No. She promised she wouldn’t do anything until tomorrow.
Peter: Then she jumps out the window?

29. “Monkees Get out More Dirt” Quotes

Play Mike: Um, I’m uh, gonna run down to the store and uh, buy some dog food!
Davy: Hey, hey, wait, wait, wait!
Mike: What what what?
Davy: We don’t have a dog.
Mike: Well, I’ll uh, I’ll run down to the store and pick up a dog, too. Dogs are nice, y’know, you can pet ’em, and uh, love ’em, and take fleas off of ’em, and put fleas back on ’em, and besides that, dogs play with cats, and… we don’t have a cat either… um, uh, bye!

Play Peter: Gee… Micky’s gone to see his aunt, and, Mike’s gone out to get dog food, and Davy’s doing roadwork… I’m all alone, I… I think I’ll go see April!

Play April Conquest: Well, you may not realize it, but laundry is a science, like astronomy, physics…
Mike: What are you doing here?
Davy: April and I are having a private conversation about laundering science. It’s a science, you know.
Mike: Yeah?
Davy: Yeah, that’s right. It’s like astrology.

Play April Conquest: I’m working on my doctor’s thesis.
Mike: Why can’t your doctor work on his own thesis?

Play Peter: Hey! Wait, wait! How do I get in if the door’s locked?
Micky: Peter, you can’t expect the writers to know everything. Improvise!

Play Mike: I’ve taken up skydiving.
April Conquest: Oh!
Mike: You like that? Uh, but um, I’ve got one problem. You see, I’m afraid of airplanes. Oh, afraid, and I can’t dive in the sky, so I use my living room, and the parachute gets on the couch, and it’s a drag, and you wouldn’t want to do that, and you’d be better off with Peter.

Play Davy: April is the cruelest month.

Play Mike: C’mon Peter, you gotta learn to be a good loser.
[Peter bursts out crying]
Micky: That’s a good loser.

30. “Monkees in Manhattan” Quotes

Play Weatherwax: What I want to know is, is he really sick, or is it merely sham?
Micky: Of course he’s sick! He had sham when he was twelve years old.

Play Peter: How’s my heartbeat?
Micky: Fine, but the melody don’t make it.

Play Bronislaw Kolinovsky: Oh no, I couldn’t do that, this is 304.
Mike: No it’s not, it’s five after ten.

Play Micky: Hey guys, look at this. It’s a song out of McKinley’s play.
Davy: Hey, let’s try it on for size.
Micky: …Doesn’t fit. How ’bout you?
Mike: No, E flat never was my color.

Play Mike: There’s gotta be more than one person in New York who’s willing to produce a show that’s written by an unknown and directed by an unknown, and starring The Monkees.

Play Davy: My name’s David Armstrong Jones. My family dates back nearly four hundred years to the earliest rich people. This is H. L. Nesmith, he owns a small spread in southern Texas. Uh, what’s the name of the ranch again, Mr. Nesmith?
Mike: Uh, Houston.

Play Davy: You’re a millionaire, aren’t you?
Millionaire: That’s right, how did you know?
Davy: Oh, that’s easy. I watch “What’s My Line?” a lot.

Play Millionaire: You sure you’re comfortable?
Davy: Comfortable? I’m very rich!

Play Weatherwax: You wouldn’t think of leaving without paying your bill.
Davy: Our bill?
Weatherwax: It is one hundred and eighty dollars. That includes room, food, and incidentals.
Davy: You must be joking!
Peter: We don’t have a hundred and eighty dollars!
Mike: Hold it, hold it… I’ll straighten this out… how can we pay money we don’t have?

Play Interviewer: You’ve reached a certain amount of success. If that was suddenly like, taken away, wiped out, where would you be today?
Peter: I’d go back to the Village and be a folk singer.
Interviewer: How ’bout you, Davy?
Davy: I’d go back to the Village and watch him be a folk singer.
Interviewer: Mike?
Mike: I’d probably go burn the Village.

Play Mike: Oh! Look at that garage door!

Play Mike: You are not! I’m uglier than you!
Davy: You are not, I’m the ugliest!
Mike: I’m the ugliest! It’s me, it’s me, it’s me!
Micky: Alright, I lose!

Play Mike: Why do I want a house?… Well, when it rains you get wet if you live in a parking lot.

31. “Monkees at the Movies” Quotes

Play Philo: Mr. Kramm gave you “Beach Party Honeymoon”.
Peter: You didn’t give it to us; we had to pay for it!
Mike: Yeah, it cost us eighty cents at the drive-in.
Philo: Well, it was worth it, wasn’t it?
Mike: Umm… you owe me sixty cents.

Play Mike: Oh, Davy, you drew the short straw.
Davy: That’s the story of my life.

Play Mr. Kramm: Perhaps Tony Davenport.
Micky: A teenage failure. He’s made so many B-pictures, he’s getting fan mail from hornets.

Play Luther Kramm: I’d like to have you meet the star of our film, that new teenage idol, a name to remember… what’s the kid’s name?

Play Davy: Watch where you’re going, shorty!

Play Mike: You know what I’ve always wanted to do? Was get a Rolls Royce, and put little bitty tires on the front, and big slicks on the back, and put a pickup bed in the trunk, and all paint you know and stuff like that, and take the hood off of it an’ everything, paint a name on the back of it…
Interviewer: And drive where?
Mike: Drive where? Drive no place, drive out on the freeway and give it a flat tire and stand there scratching your head.

32. “Monkees on Tour” Quotes

Play Mike (as old man): You wanna go help an old man across the street?
Davy: No.
Mike (as old man): Well, I want you to go help an old man across the street

Play Girl: Is that the group… Monkees? I thought it was the Rolling Stones!

Play Davy: I am picking the sandwich up. I am putting the sandwich in my mouth. I am biting the sandwich.

Play Davy: I noticed you’ve been chasing me all this time. Now, things are gonna change, man. I am gonna chase you. You ready? Go. Run. Run. No, you’re chasing me.

Play Micky: Do you realize you have a Monkee on your back?

Play Mike: We’re gonna go into our mail bag now with a letter here from Mr. Leonard T. Kretchlow. Every morning I get up about 7:30 and wander out into the yard. There I notice that several of my chickens is now laying on the ground, cold and stiff with their feet in the air. Could you tell me possibly what is wrong with them?
Micky: Mr. Kretchlow… Mr. Kretchlow, your chickens are dead.

Play Mike: Let me ask you, if you really found out that none of us could play a note and couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket, would you hate us?
Girl: No.
Mike: No? Well, why is that?
Girl: Well, because you’re puttin’ people on pretty good.

Play Mike: And now, here is the world’s best lookin’ midget… David Jones!