“The Monkees’ Paw” Script

Act One

INT. NIGHTCLUB

“Goin’ Down”

MANAGER:
Okay! You’re hired.

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
Yay!

DAVY:
Yeah, thank you! Oh lovely! Oh beautiful!

MANAGER:
Wait!

MICKY:
That’s lovely!

MANAGER:
All I’m offering… is money.

MICKY:
Yeah, money!

PETER:
Right, we need it!

DAVY:
Yeah, money!

DAVY:
Money! Oh!

MENDREK:
Excuse me, Mr. Manager, but, but what about me? Mendrek the Magician? Society’s darling, the favorite of crowned heads, a triumph at every fraternal convention—ask any Odd Fellow!

MANAGER:
You… you has-been! You’re fired!

MENDREK:
No!

MANAGER:
Get away from me!

MENDREK:
No! But I’ve worked for you for twelve years!

MANAGER:
Yes, and what did you draw? Flies! Horse flies at that! You’ve ruined me! You call yourself an entertainer? Back to the—what?

MIKE:
Now wait a minute, wait a minute. Now hold it!

MANAGER:
Never mind! He’s, this guy—

MIKE:
Wait a minute, will ya please? There’s no reason to fight like that, for crying out loud! [clears throat] Now, this man’s worked for you for twelve years. I mean, all he’s doing is just, uh, extending his hand to you. You can’t throw him out!

MANAGER:
Who needs your pity?

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

Act Two

INT. NIGHTCLUB

MIKE:
Ooh! Why, that’s kind of a drag, innit?

PETER:
Yeah, what a bummer, man.

MIKE:
Um, hi.

MENDREK:
Wh-what are you doing? Looking down at me? Laughing at an old man?

MIKE:
No—

PETER:
No!

MIKE:
—we came to say we’re sorry.

MENDREK:
Don’t be sorry. People don’t want to see magicians anymore. They—they want to see reality as it’s shown to them on television.

MICKY:
Bleeech! What’s that?

MENDREK:
That’s a very special monkey’s paw; it was given to me by a, an old llama in Tibet.

MIKE:
Ooh! I think it’s kinda groovy.

MENDREK:
Oh, I remember it a-as if it was yesterday. I was a young man, looking for the secrets of the unknown in far Tibet.

EXT. TIBETAN MOUNTAIN

MENDREK (V.O.):
I climbed to the heights of the highest mountain in Tibet to see the High Llama. The Llama was very surprised to see me.

THE LLAMA (MIKE):
Aaahh! Ahhhaha! Ahh! Ah—Hey. Hey. What are you doing up here? You’re some kind of complete nut, come all the way up here! It’s cold and horrible and miserable up here! What are you doing?

YOUNG MENDREK (MICKY):
I have come, hand over hand, foot over foot, to reach the top of the mountain.

THE LLAMA (MIKE):
For real? Ooh, man, tell me how you did it; I been trying to get down for twelve years. All this horrible weather—cut off the snow!

MENDREK (V.O.):
Suddenly, it stopped snowing.

THE LLAMA (MIKE):
These people.

YOUNG MENDREK (MICKY):
I… came all this way to, to, to find the High Llama. Where is he?

THE LLAMA (MIKE):
Oh, well, I’m afraid you’re out of luck; he’s out back, sleeping it off.

YOUNG MENDREK (MICKY):
You don’t mean!

THE LLAMA (MIKE):
Yeah, that’s what I mean; that’s how he got his name. However, I’m the Regular Llama, if I can help you, you just call me Regular.

YOUNG MENDREK (MICKY):
Alright, Reg.

THE LLAMA (MIKE):
Sure.

YOUNG MENDREK (MICKY):
Here’s my story. It’s a long and sad one.

THE LLAMA (MIKE):
Wha?

YOUNG MENDREK (MICKY):
Listen carefully.

THE LLAMA (MIKE):
I—

YOUNG MENDREK (MICKY):
It started ten thousand miles ago in the Sahara desert overlooking a tree. The golden maiden was high above the ten thousand foot mountain.

THE LLAMA (MIKE):
[yawns]

YOUNG MENDREK (MICKY):
As the trees shone down over the valley, I walked for ten thousand miles through burning dands and seserts. Uh, sands and deserts.

THE LLAMA (MIKE):
[snores]

YOUNG MENDREK (MICKY):
Reg? Reg?

THE LLAMA (MIKE):
Hm? What?

YOUNG MENDREK (MICKY):
I was coming looking for the, uh, Tibetan unknown secrets.

THE LLAMA (MIKE):
So?

YOUNG MENDREK (MICKY):
I was looking for the un-unknown secrets of Tibetan?

THE LLAMA (MIKE):
What?

YOUNG MENDREK (MICKY):
I was looking for the Tibetan secret unknowns?

THE LLAMA (MIKE):
Wha?

YOUNG MENDREK (MICKY):
Don’t you have something for me?

THE LLAMA (MIKE):
Yeah, I’ve got something for you. I’ve got a summons right here for trespassing; it’s my property.

YOUNG MENDREK (MICKY):
Guh!

INT. NIGHTCLUB

MENDREK:
But then, after much persuasion, the Regular Llama broke down, and he gave me the monkey’s paw.

EXT. TIBETAN MOUNTAIN

THE LLAMA (MIKE):
Well, after much persuasion, I, the Regular Llama, will break down and give you this. It is a monkey’s paw. It’ll grant you three wishes.

YOUNG MENDREK (MICKY):
For me?!

THE LLAMA (MIKE):
Yes, for you. You’re the only fool I know deserves that kind of luck.

INT. NIGHTCLUB

MICKY:
Boy, I bet this thing is priceless.

MENDREK:
Oh, it is! It is! You can have it for a quarter.

MICKY:
A quarter?

MIKE:
It is priceless; we’ve got a quarter.

PETER:
Well, yeah!

MANAGER:
Are you still here? I told you to clear out! I don’t want any bums hanging around here!

PETER:
He’s not a bum!

MENDREK:
No, I’m not a bum!

MANAGER:
Have you got a job?

DAVY:
You just fired him!

MANAGER:
Alright, so he’s a vagrant too. Now, come on, get it outta here. Come on. Ha ha ha ha. Come on. Vamoose! Scram! Blow! Beat it!

MICKY:
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. He’s not a vagrant, ya know why? ’Cause he’s the proud possessor of a quarter.

MENDREK:
Oh, thank you.

MANAGER:
Alright, so he’s not a vagrant, but he still has to go.

MICKY:
Why?

MANAGER:
No peddlers allowed!

MICKY:
Hm. You’re all heart.

MANAGER:
Thank you. Come on! Out! Vamoose! Scram! Beat it!

DAVY, MIKE, PETER:
Well, that’s show business.

INT. THE PAD

MICKY:
Well, how can we pay our dues unless we work?

MIKE:
That the union?

MICKY:
Yeah.

MIKE:
What’d he say?

MICKY:
He said we can’t work until we pay our dues.

PETER:
And we can’t pay our dues until we work.

MICKY:
That’s what I told him!

DAVY:
Well, what did he say?

MICKY:
Well, he said don’t confuse me.

PETER:
You know it’s true that while there is a great deal of moral purpose on the side of the unions, they do tend to want a stranglehold.

MIKE:
Well, there’s gotta be something we can do.

MICKY:
Man, I wish there was some way that we could get that money.

MANAGER:
Well, boys, I just came from the union; they say you haven’t paid your dues in a long time.

MIKE:
We paid our dues the last job we had.

MANAGER:
Oh, when was that?

MIKE:
It’s been a long time.

MANAGER:
I will pay your dues and then take it out of your first week’s salary.

PETER:
Thank you! Oh, thank you.

MANAGER:
Well, of course there’ll have to be a little kickback on the loan.

DAVY:
How much of a percentage?

MIKE:
Good point.

DAVY:
Good point.

MANAGER:
About a hundred and forty-two percent.

MIKE:
Oh, if it’s only a hundred and forty-two percent?!

MICKY:
You’re all heart.

INT. MENDREK’S OFFICE

MENDREK’S DAUGHTER:
Father, I’m very sorry you lost the job.

MENDREK:
Well, don’t feel bad, daughter. At least today, I-I-I made a quarter. Hee hee. Yeah.

MENDREK’S DAUGHTER:
Father, where’s the monkey’s paw?

MENDREK:
There’s another one gone—the monkey’s paw. Oh, I-I sold it today to one of these long-haired weirdoes. You know, high-heeled boots, beads, bleh.

MENDREK’S DAUGHTER:
Don’t you remember The Book of Mystery said it was cursed?

MENDREK:
Heh, if it was cursed and I got rid of it, my luck’d change immediately. Yeah, hello? Yes, this is Mendrek… a contest? I win a million dollars?!

INT. THE PAD

MICKY:
Honest, guys, I’m sure, one hundred percent sure, that this is a magical monkey’s paw. After all, it got us our union dues.

MIKE:
Yeah, but at an interest of a hundred and forty-two percent.

PETER:
Well, a hundred and thirty-seven wouldn’t have been too bad.

MICKY:
Well, what does a monkey’s paw know from interest rates? Heh heh.

DAVY:
Well, uh, let’s see what it can do for us now; I’m starving!

MICKY:
Oh, monkey paw, oh, monkey paw, I wish for a spaghetti dinner big enough to feed all four of us! Well, I, uh, I didn’t wish for how it should be served.

DAVY, MIKE, PETER:
Food!

DAVY:
Ooh, look at that spaghetti!

MICKY:
Sure, eat up, guys.

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
Mmm.

PETER:
Beautiful.

INT. NIGHTCLUB

MICKY:
One more wish…

MIKE:
Hey, Micky, will you come on, please? And put that thing down. Weeeh!

DAVY:
Ey, Micky, you know you can’t go on the stage with that thing; it’s ugly.

MICKY:
Yeah, I know, I know, Davy, I got one more wish coming though.

PETER:
Doe doe believer, sober saben… you know, man, you haven’t talked about anything but that paw since you’ve had it, man, not a thing.

MICKY:
Yeah, I know I’m really hung up on it, man, I wish I could stop talking abou—

ANNOUNCER:
Now, here they are: The Monkees.

“Goin’ Down”

CROWD:
Boo! Boo!

MANAGER:
Ey! What’s going on?

MIKE:
What, what do you mean, what’s going on? Nothing’s going on.

MANAGER:
Well, I know that, but what’s he doing?

DAVY:
Well, he’s doing his thing here, that’s pretty groovy, that’s heavy stuff he’s laying down there, you know.

PETER:
Yeah!

MANAGER:
Well, tell him to do his thing on his own time! On my time, he’s supposed to be singing!

MIKE:
Well, well, he is singing!

MANAGER:
Well, I don’t hear anything!

MIKE:
Oh, hear something? Is that what you meant—? Well, he’s not singing with his voice; he’s singing with his feet! Ha ha. His feet.

PETER:
Right!

DAVY:
His feet! Right! His feet! Right!

PETER:
Yeah, man! Dig those toes! Feet, right!

DAVY:
Yeah, foot action!

PETER:
Yeah, incredible, man, just outta sight!

MANAGER:
What are you, crazy? Nobody sings with their feet!

MIKE:
What do you mean, nobody si—of course they sing with their feet. I mean, uh, didn’t ya ever hear of the movie, uh, Young Man With a Corn?

PETER:
Yeah, and how about Flat Foot Floogie With a Floy Floy?

MIKE:
Anybody can sing; it’s not everybody can play their feet. No siree, bob.

MANAGER:
But I hired a singer!

DAVY:
Go toe, go! Sock it to me, baby!

MIKE:
Ooh.

DAVY:
Heh! That’s a pun! Heh heh! Heh heh!

PETER:
Now he’s triple toeing! Look at that!

DAVY:
Foot action!

PETER:
Incredible, just incredible! Very far out.

MIKE:
Hey, if you think that’s good, you oughta see him when he takes off his shoes. It is uptight, outta sight.

MANAGER:
Well, I’ll tell ya something. If that young man isn’t singing by tomorrow morning, you’re finished. You’re outta show business; you’ll never work in show business again.

MIKE:
We’re in a lot of trouble.

Act Three

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
Oh, Micky, come on. You can talk; there’s nothing wrong with your voice.

PETER:
Are you kidding? Have you ever heard him sing? Ah!

DAVY:
Micky, that paw has no magical power whatsoever. You can talk, you know.

PETER:
Nuts.

MIKE:
Come on, guys, let’s talk this over. We’re gonna have to get our heads together on this one.

PETER:
Right.

DAVY, MIKE, PETER:
Ow! Oh!

DAVY:
Now look, we’ve got no voice, no job, and no rent.

PETER:
Yeah, and the good times can’t last forever.

MIKE:
Oh. You know, it all started when Mendrek gave us that monkey’s paw.

PETER:
Right!

MIKE:
Let’s go talk to him and see what this is all about.

PETER:
Let’s do that.

DAVY:
Come on.

INT. MENDREK’S OFFICE

MENDREK:
Yes, yes, I can give you three minutes… but it will cost you three million dollars.

MIKE:
Hello…

MENDREK:
Oh, the phones, answer the phones.

DAVY:
Hello?

MENDREK:
Yes, the Taj Mahal would make a lovely movie palace. But I want the popcorn concession too, you understand.

PETER:
No, no, Mr. Carson, uh, Mendrek wants you on his show.

MIKE:
No, man, he can’t come… Well, I don’t care who you are, he, uh, he can’t come… Well, because he don’t like barbecue, I guess… I don’t know… hoo, what a pushy guy.

DAVY:
Ah, yeah, just a minute. Now, do you wanna buy all of North America, a piece of Tasmania, or vice-versa?

MENDREK:
Yes.

DAVY:
Vice-versa. Right, buh-bye.

MENDREK:
That’s enough of my ???. Now, what can I do for you?

MIKE:
Well, uh, see what we came about was uh, because of this monkey’s paw that you sold—

MENDREK:
Why, uh, the phones! The phones! I’m a very busy man, you know. Answer the phones.

PETER:
Uh…

MIKE:
Well, no, wait a minute! There’s a curse—

MENDREK:
They ring all day long. I—no, I’m a very busy man, you know.

INT. THE PAD

DAVY:
Well, Mendrek was a great help. What are we gonna do now?

MIKE:
Well, let’s see, let’s analyze the situation… Can’t be that monkey’s paw.

DAVY, PETER:
No.

MIKE:
What in the world could possibly be stopping Micky from talking?

PETER:
He’s sick.

MIKE:
Yeah, he’s sick.

PETER:
That’s right.

MIKE:
Right, and if somebody’s sick, what’s the cure?

PETER:
Chicken soup! Heh heh!

DAVY:
Chicken soup?

INT. THE PAD

DAVY:
You know he hasn’t said a thing in twelve hours?

MIKE:
That’s it! In twelve hours, he forgot how to talk. I mean, anybody can forget how to talk in twelve hours.

PETER:
Well, then it’s simple; all we do is teach him to talk!

DAVY:
How?

MIKE:
What did you say?

DAVY:
How!

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
Alright, now that we’ve got this all down, apple, kat, hare krishna, legalize, wisdom, frodis, and of course, save the Texas prairie chicken, we’re going to our next lesson which is speech. Now Micky, I want you to repeat after me, what is that? It’s a pencil. Right? Come on, Mick, say it. Pencil. Pencil.

PETER:
Come on, uh, look, um—

DAVY:
Say pencil.

PETER:
Pen-pencil. Pencil. Pen—

DAVY:
Puh. Puh. Show him the P.

PETER:
[popping Ps]

DAVY:
Pencil. Pencil. Oh, it’s no good. He won’t be able to sing tonight. He can’t even say “pencil”!

MIKE:
Do you suppose it has anything to do with the fact that this is a crayon?

MICKY:
Now “crayon” I can say.

MIKE:
Come on, pencil.

DAVY:
Pencil. Try pencil.

PETER:
He can’t say anything but “crayon”.

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
You know what? I think it’s a mental problem.

PETER:
You can say that again. Ha ha ha.

MIKE:
No, and where do you go if you have a mental problem?

PETER:
Well, you go to uh, you know, to the mental problem specialist.

INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE

DOCTOR:
So, you are unable to talk. So? Speak up. What’s the matter? Cat got your tongue? Well. We give you a little test. Here. A test. Now. What does that appear to seem to be to you?

MIKE:
That looks exactly like a bunch of flowers to me.

DOCTOR:
I am talking to him.

MIKE:
I’m, I’m sorry.

DOCTOR:
Heh. You’re such a silly. This is obviously a bunny and chicken. Ya. Now.

PETER:
Looks like a tomato ketchup stain to me.

DOCTOR:
Seems you two came together. That is a bunny and a chicken! Hm? Now!

DAVY:
It looks like a buncha birds dancing to me, ya know.

DOCTOR:
You three should form a group! It is a bunny and a chicken!

MIKE:
Well, wait a minute, there’s no need to get hostile about it.

DOCTOR:
Don’t you give me that hostile stuff—I hate you! It’s a bunny and a chicken!

MIKE:
I’m sorry, man… ??? flowers…

PETER:
Okay…

DAVY:
Looks like a buncha girls dancing!

DOCTOR:
A bunny and a chicken!

MIKE:
Like a bunch of flowers.

DOCTOR:
A bunny and a chicken!

PETER:
Like a tomato ketchup stain.

DOCTOR:
A bunny and a chicken!

DAVY:
A buncha birds dancing.

DOCTOR:
A bunny and a chicken! ??? Get up! Get! Up! That! Is! a bunny and a chicken.

MIKE:
Whoa, hold, hold it, oops. Ey!

DOCTOR:
It is obviously a bunny! And a chicken!

INT. NIGHTCLUB

MANAGER:
Did he learn how to sing yet?

DAVY:
Well, he didn’t actually learn how to sing yet, but uh, we incorporated his silence into the act. It’s bound to be a hit.

MIKE:
Say the magic word, you get a hundred dollars. Ha ha.

PETER:
Well, here we are, drumming up a little business. Ha ha.

MIKE:
A-ha. Say the magic word, you get a hundred dollars. You don’t say the magic word, you get two hundred dollars. You give me three hundred dollars, I tell you what the magic word is.

PETER:
Good business. That’s good business.

MANAGER:
Stop this! What do you think you’re doing? I hired you to sing, not grow hair and smoke cigars and honk the horn! You’re fired! You’ll never work in show business again, now get out!

DAVY:
Did you like it, did you like it?

MANAGER:
[sighs]

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
The nerve of that guy throwing us outta that place. How do you like that?

PETER:
I don’t like it a bit.

DAVY:
You know, I don’t blame him myself. Now who wants an act with a fuzzy headed mute harpist, an Italian with a weird looking felt hat, and another guy with a long nose, a mustache, and a smelly cigar. You know, it’s not commercial. I wouldn’t buy the act. I wouldn’t buy it.

MIKE:
You’re right, there’s no audience identification. Man, the way our luck’s been running out, I think we better go see Mendrek and get this thing straightened out.

INT. MENDREK’S OFFICE

PETER:
Gee, it’s so quiet and everything around here. Where are the phones?

MENDREK:
Oh, I’ve given up all that, uh, now that I’ve made my fortune. I’m devoting my time now to helping such poor unfortunates as yourself.

PETER:
Oh, how refreshing.

MENDREK:
Now, wh-what may I do for you?

MIKE:
Well, uh, you see, it’s this monkey’s paw. Ever since we’ve had it, man, it’s been nothing but bad luck.

MICKY:
[mouths “Yeah, it’s been a bummer.”]

MIKE:
He said “Yeah, it’s been a bummer”. And, uh, one day, Micky wished that he wouldn’t talk, and all of a sudden, he just stopped, which is a stone drag.

PETER:
Quit outright.

MENDREK:
You poor unfortunate boy. Perhaps in my climb for success, I have been harsh on you.

MENDREK’S DAUGHTER:
Father, maybe The Book of Mystery will tell us how to break the spell.

MENDREK:
Oh, excellent idea. Y-y-you go with her to The Book of Mystery, and I’ll, I’ll take this pocket book edition and work on the boy here. Perhaps he, perhaps in that way, we’ll be able to break the spell.

MIKE:
Let’s hope so.

PETER:
Let’s hope so.

MIKE:
Let’s hope so.

PETER:
We certain should hope so.

MIKE:
Let’s hope so.

MENDREK’S DAUGHTER:
Come with me to the library.

DAVY:
Ah heh heh.

MENDREK:
You’ve really become very fond of that thing, haven’t you?

MICKY:
[pants]

INT. MENDREK’S LIBRARY

MENDREK’S DAUGHTER:
Ah, The Book of Mysteries.

DAVY:
Oh, it’s a big book, innit?

MENDREK’S DAUGHTER:
Misers, mommies, monsters, mummies…

DAVY:
Miraculous… marvelous… magnificent… back to the book, heh heh. Um, mummies, you say?

INT. MENDREK’S OFFICE

MENDREK:
It’s a very old method for making a subject talk.

MIKE:
I don’t think we’re on the right track.

MENDREK:
I don’t see why not, it-it-it works in police stations all over the world.

INT. MENDREK’S LIBRARY

DAVY:
Monkee’s paw… Monkee’s paw… Monkee’s paw… Monkee’s… you know, I can’t find it anywhere!

MENDREK’S DAUGHTER:
I think you spell “monkey” with a Y.

DAVY:
Oh, really? I always thought you spelled it with two Es.

INT. MENDREK’S OFFICE

MENDREK:
It says here, by the third gong, you’ll hear—

PETER:
Ah! Stop it! Stop it! I can’t stand it!

MENDREK:
See, I told ya! It works!

INT. MENDREK’S LIBRARY

DAVY:
I found it! I found the cure! I found it!

INT. MENDREK’S OFFICE

DAVY:
Now, all we’ve got to do is find someone to buy the paw back from Micky, and the spell’ll be broken.

MIKE:
Well, we’ve gotta sell it to somebody who deserves it. Huh, that means somebody really nasty. Offhand, I can’t think of anybody like that.

MANAGER:
A-ha!

MIKE:
I just thought of somebody like that.

MANAGER:
Mendrek! Why don’t you call the cops and get rid of these bums?

MIKE:
Ah, would you like a good buy on a monkey’s paw?

MANAGER:
You can come back to work for me tomorrow.

MENDREK:
Oh, I don’t work anymore; I-I’m too rich.

MANAGER:
Ah ha ha, very funny. It seems like only yesterday you were a bum.

MENDREK:
Oh, it was yesterday.

MANAGER:
A vagrant.

MENDREK:
Oh, we—why don’t you buy the paw? It only costs a quarter.

MANAGER:
A quarter for that piece of junk?

MENDREK:
Well, it has very special powers. I can’t think of anyone who deserves it more.

MANAGER:
Well, thanks! What kind of powers? It better be good for a quarter.

MENDREK:
Well, with that, you can do all my tricks. Watch.

“Words”

MANAGER:
That’s incredible! I want it! Give it to me! Now, who needs you, you bum? I’ll become rich and famous! I’ll get everything that’s coming to me.

MIKE:
Why don’t you, uh, go ahead and try it?

MANAGER:
Okay, how does it work?

MIKE:
Well, you make a wish on it.

MANAGER:
Alright, I wish for a million dollars! Ha ha! Oh, ahahahaha, it works! Ahahaha!

TAX MAN:
Are you the manager that just wished for a million dollars?

MANAGER:
Yeah, what do you want, ya bum?

TAX MAN:
I’m from Internal Revenue. You’re under arrest for not paying taxes on this money. Come on, let’s go.

MANAGER:
Well, now, wait a minute, couldn’t we come to—

Tag

INT. THE PAD

MICKY:
Oh, guys, it’s so great to be able to talk, you just can’t understand. Remember when you were showing me the pencil? It was not a pencil, it was a crayon, I mean, it was a crayon—

PETER:
That’s right. That’s right. Marvelous, beautiful.

MICKY:
Hober reeber sabasoben [gibberish] so great to be able to talk, I can talk and talk and talk and talk and talk, I don’t have to use my feet anymore, I can talk, I just talk about anything I want, talk about anything I want, it’s the first time [gibberish]…

MIKE:
Micky. Micky. Micky. You don’t have to say anything else. Micky, you know you don’t… MICKY! Well, that wraps up another hilarious thirty minute episode, so this is Michael Nesmith.

DAVY:
And Peter Tork.

MICKY:
And David Jones.

PETER:
And Micky Dolenz.

MIKE:
Saying…

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
Bl-l-lum. Here we go, walking down the street, we have the funniest looks from, everyone we meet…

PETER:
DABA-DABA-DABA-DABA-DABA-DABA-DABA!

INT. MENDREK’S OFFICE

???:
Thirty-nine.

JAMES FRAWLEY (O.S.):
??? We got ??? Everybody’s in position. Boys, in position. Boys, you can be in position already.

PETER:
Already in position.

JAMES FRAWLEY (O.S.):
Right, you’re in position.

???:
There.

PETER:
In position.

JAMES FRAWLEY (O.S.):
And…

PETER:
Hello…

MIKE:
Hello…

MICKY:
Hello…

DAVY:
Hello…

MIKE:
Hello…

DAVY:
Oh, we’re the Monkees.

MENDREK:
[cuckoo] I hate these kids.

INT. THE PAD

PETER:
The hippie movement is dead. It was buried in San Francisco and has been replaced by free men.

MIKE:
Now, that’s Peter’s movement. He’s got six people, so far.

PETER:
Yeah, we’re gonna form a country—

MICKY:
We all have our own little movements.

PETER:
—called Belgravia.

MIKE:
Yeah. I have a movement.

???:
What about all these people who are still walking around with beads and long hair and flowers, they’re not hippies anymore?

PETER:
No. They’re free people.

DAVY:
I have beads. I’m not a hippie. Charlie bought me these.

???:
What’s the difference between—

PETER:
You are too a hippie.

MIKE:
I don’t have beads, and I’m not a hippie, see?

DAVY:
I am not a hippie.

PETER:
You are too. You wear those beads, you’re a hippie. You got long hair, you’re a hippie.

DAVY:
Oh yeah. Don’t hit me with a stick, please.

PETER:
It was done because um, of the bad publicity the hippie movement has been getting. Now it’s clear that uh, every time that uh, you know, uh the hippies come up with something really vital and intelligent and interesting, uh, the establishment will take it over and put down the people who originated it, and uh, you know, all these psychedelic things that you see… the very psychedelic things…

DAVY:
They say, they say, “Turn on with… this”.

PETER:
To [cuckoo]. Turn on?

DAVY:
Now, what is this “turn on”? They’re taking over, you know—

PETER:
Yeah, that’s right.

MIKE:
What are they ???

DAVY:
—the hippie, hippie things. The hippies are being hip.

PETER:
The hippies are gonna invent new words and…