“Peter and James Banter 2: The Crucifix”

Peter: Well, thanks-a too much for that.
James: Thanks-a too much. I used to be Italian you know. My mom moved to Texas and became a born again Christian. Took all—
Peter: Italian went right out the window.
James: Took all the plastic {fountains} right off the walls. It was—
Peter: All the plastic Jesuses and all the plastic saints—
James: No, there’s plastic Jesuses everywhere.
Peter: Oh yeah. What about the saints, the plastic saints?
James: Matter of fact, I have a brief story about Jesus. I’ll try to be brief. When I was a little boy in my Catholic Italian parents—grandparents—
Peter: So like, when he was about four—
James: It’s true, I was about four, and uh—
Peter: Jesus, I mean.
James: No, no, my—
Peter: Oh, you? Okay.
James: Jesus was in fact, already a, an icon at this point, and I was just a mere four years old, and I was staying with my Italian from the old country, and my grandmother had the goriest, goriest, bloodiest crucifix you have ever seen. It was, they used to have these crucifix where you could see intestines hanging out of Jesus, you know, I’m not kidding, it was scary, you could see the nails, and it was just really scary, and uh all the children got together and bought her a PC crucifix, you know, where Jesus just has a couple of Band-Aids placed, just, you know, here and there, and uh, and that was the new crucifix. So they took the old crucifix, which—
Peter: And actually, he was just sort of reclining with his feet—
James: And this, he was like three and a half feet long, the old crucifix. So they hid it under the bed, this enormous crucifix. So I’m staying with my grandparents, it’s the middle of the night, the full moon is shining in the window. I wake up because there are monsters in the carpet and snakes, and I knew that if I was gonna be killed, and I was, and so I thought I will just go to my grandparents bed, but then I realized the monsters were in the carpet and the snakes, so I couldn’t actually step on the carpet. So my plan was to just very carefully leap from the little day bed I had on to my grandparents’ bed and be safe from the monsters and the snakes. So as I got ready to leap, I noticed that the moonlight was coming in through the window and shining on a bloody white hand. I hit my grandparents’ bed at about a hundred miles an hour, shrieking, AAAAH! You know, my grandparents both died on the spot, just from ahh, you know, just it was, to this day, I have a hard time going to church. I just have a hard time with it. Jesus scared me to death. So, and that’s what this song is about. It’s called “Easy Rockin’”.
Peter: No, it isn’t. We’re not doing that one. We’re doing this other one.
James: Oh, we’re not doing “Easy Rockin’”?
Peter: Ha ha ha ha.
James: Oh, my brother, my droog, what’s the next song? It’s “Hi, Hi Babe”?
Peter: Yep, I think so. [???] Yep, that’s right.
James: I’m fearless. Let me add it. Let’s sink our teeth on “Hi, Hi Babe”.
Peter: A song I wrote um, one of those songs that you write when you think about, boy, it really did happen this way, and you’re thinking, oh man. Mm, two, a-one, two three four.