(Warning: lifetime, unconditional guarantee absolutely not offered. This is a method based purely on luck. In fact, it may be hazardous to your health.)
Has it finally gotten to you? The point where you’ve absolutely fallen off the deep end and said to yourself, “I’ve just got to stop!” But what is it you have to stop? Smoking, drinking, crime? Alas, it’s something worse. You’ve made the decision to stop liking the Monkees.
Okay—have it your way—here are 25 untested and unguaranteed ways to stop liking the Monkees, to stop worshipping the foursome, to cease that weekly half hour of ecstasy. As a matter of fact, the whole idea is pretty ridiculous. But then, that’s YOUR problem.
1. Disconnect your television. Except that merely disconnecting will never work, because as we Monkee fans know, we don’t have enough will power to leave the set unplugged when THAT TIME rolls around. Bash in the picture tube instead.
2. Unplug the clock so you won’t know when THAT TIME rolls around. No fair using sun time or radio time or guess work. Of course, you also risk making the entire family late for school or work. They’ll love that.
3. Stay in bed the entire day of the Monkee show. Do not get up. Pay your sister to line up tacks along the floor so that if you do get up, you’ll quickly change your mind.
4. Every time you think of the Monkees, have a candy bar. When you think of your favorite Monkee, have a hot fudge sundae. Then you’ll have something to keep your mind off the Monkees—worry about gaining weight.
5. Take up classical music. Melt down your Monkee records or trade them for Beethoven LP’s. You’ll be miserable but at least you won’t be letting on that you still like the Monkees.
6. Tear down all the pictures of the Monkees which you have tacked up. Be honest and also remove the ones on the shower curtain, inside closet door and lining of your left shoe. Don’t “overlook” your school notebook, powder puff and the bottom of your hair roller box.
7. Wear blinders so you can’t see everyone else’s pictures of the Monkees when you walk down the hall at school.
8. Find a boyfriend with a butch hair cut so you won’t see long hair and be tempted to think of Davy, Mike, Peter or Micky.
9. Convince yourself that Davy is really a 58 year old midget who has never been to England but learned his accent by watching old Sherlock Holmes movies.
10. Decide the person that Mike most resembles is your older brother, whom you can’t stand. Find similarities in their actions—like both being right handed, having two legs and a full set of teeth.
11. Convince yourself that Peter is really an intellectual snob who wouldn’t speak to his own mother unless she could recite the entire Rubaiyat Of Omar Khayyam in Persian.
12. Read Frankenstein or Psycho and imagine Micky in the leading role.
13. Refer to television as “the boob tube,” the Monkees as “those apes,” and see how long you live after you say that to your sister.
14. Dye your Monkee tee shirt black.
15. If you get withdrawal symptoms after missing a Monkee show, drink a combination of molasses and old orange peels. You’ll forget all about the Monkees for the rest of the evening.
16. Watch one Monkee show carefully. Pick out all the faults you can in each Monkee. Then write them down on poster boards in 6” letters and attach the boards all over your walls. Then every time you turn around you’ll have to think about such terrible things as “MIKE SAYS ‘JIST’ AND ‘KIN’ INSTEAD OF ‘JUST’ AND ‘CAN’” or “MICKY FORGOT TO CROSS HIS LEFT EYEBALL WHEN HE WAS BEING FUNNY.”
17. Make a lifesize drawing of Davy and continually stand next to it so you can see how short he really is.
18. Form a group with your friends (if you can find any equally as insane as you) similar to Alcoholics Anonymous or Weight Watchers. You can sit around and talk about getting over your Monkee-itis and can console each other in your misery.
19. Start noticing older men like Paul Newman and Tom Jones. Imagine them forming a singing group.
20. Refuse to do the dishes, clean your room or mow the lawn. That way you’ll get in so much trouble you won’t be allowed to watch the Monkees.
21. Get intensely interested in school and study all the time, even during the Monkees show.
22. Refrain from singing “I Want To Be Free” all the way through to impress your friends. Sing something like “Unchained Melody,” “Yes, We Have No Bananas” or “Billy Boy.” It won’t impress your friends but you won’t be thinking about Davy.
23. Dye your hair purple and tell yourself that none of the Monkees are your type. Then try and find someone who likes purple hair.
24. Put your phone in the refrigerator or the sink or somewhere hidden so you can’t pick it up and listen to your friends shreiking “…oh, did you see, I mean really see, Davy in that Mexican outfit!”
25. Wait for the great day in Year 2000 when you will have outgrown the Monkees. Meanwhile, ignore ways 1–24 and enjoy the show and the irresistible fun!