SHHHH! Here’s news for U only! The super confidential gossip on these two pages is so secret that we must print it in a strange code. To crack the code, hold these pages up to a mirror. The words will miraculously turn into English before your very eyes!
Tune in, turn on, and don’t you dare drop out, luvs, till you hear the super-true, ultra-inside-groovy story of wot really happened to the Monkees in London. Newspapers told about their smash hit, how the Wembley Pool concert hall was sold out for every performance and all that groovy jazz. But what they didn’t tell was how London fans almost put an end to the tour before it even started! ’Ere’s wot ’appened: (Are you reddy?) When the fab four descended on their swank London ’otel, gorblimy ’ow the fans raided the place! In hevery revolving door they were, the blighters, and ’anging out of hevery window! The ’otel brass were ready to serve heviction horders to restore a little peace and quiet. But when the other ’otel guests ’eard about it, they blew their minds! They ’adn’t ’ad so much fun since Lord Nelson clobbered the Spanish fleet… so hit wuz God Save the Queen and lor’ luv the Monkees, all the way, and never mind about the smashed transom windows and the hall porter’s broken leg!
We survived the Pop Festival only to make another safari up into the region of Liverpool West (San Francisco, to any square who might be reading this). We put fresh flowers in our hair and trekked up to the big party thrown for Moby Grape to introduce their five new singles and their album. Everybody drank bottles of purple stuff and dodged a storm of purple balloons. We predict you’ll be reading a lot about the Grape. (Hic.)
Unfortunately, it’s almost certain that another famous star of one of the biggest American singing groups will be announcing his “departure” any minit now… can’t tell you another syllable about it until next month… Also watch for important news coming out of merrie ol’ England concerning a certain M.J… No, the news has nothing to do with his conviction and jail sentence… Also included in the news is a girl with the initials MAF… We cannot devulge [sic] more than this.
Very few people know about a certain girl who is hurting Davy Jones… If she continues to do the things she is doing, we will expose her… That’s a warning and a promise… Mark Lindsay had a tiffy go-around with one of his old “Action” pals… First name starts with K… But things seem to be back to normal now… However, watch it!… It could all explode again!
We haff to close now, on a note of sorrow to Jane Asher and fifteen million teeny boppers who have been in love with David Hemmings. The lad (reach for your crying towels, pigeons) is really going to marry black-haired starlet Gayle Hunnicut after all. it’s been onagin offagin for some time, with Dave making time with Janie Asher here and there. Once they actually took off to elope at the closest wedding chapel, but had a fite to end all fites on the plane going up to their own wedding! They called it quite [sic] and Dave took off for Turkey to film “Charge of the Light Brigade.” But he couldn’t concentrate on anything but Gayle. Happy (for some) ending: he cabled Gayle a brand new proposal, and she calbed [sic] back a brand new “yes.” By the time you read this, it should be “the Hemmingses,” so forget your daydreams luv!
Big blast of the month was the Monterey Pop Festival, with all of us hippies, 50,000 strong, raiding a town with rooms to hold only 3000. We took along our sleeping bags, just in case, but everyone shared rooms. The Beach Boys conked out at the last minute, and through our own secret operator 007 we found out the reason, but we’re sworn to secrecy for at least 35 days!
The big jolt going the rounds of the Monterrey county fairgrounds wuz that three Beatles, two Monkees and at least one Stone were there in disguise! It wuz no trouble to spot the Stone, Brian Jones, and Monkee Peter Tork. It wuz fairly easy to spot Micky Dolenz: he was all garbed up like an Injun (honest Injun) with fringed jacket and beaded head band… but with a jaw like that, how could anybody miss?… We’d heard that three of the Beatles were lurking around somewhere disguised as hippies, but thought for a while we’d have to give up. Then wot do you suppose happened? A restaurant caught fire down on Cannery Row Saturday night: our eyes were smarting anyhow from watching all the shows, so we went down to watch the fire and who did we run smack into? Paul McCartney! No, he wasn’t disguised as a fireman, silly. But he was wearing the scruffiest looking poncho in all of Monterey. We said “hello Paul” and we couldn’t mistake that slow grin anywhere. After we exchanged greeting patter Paul said “tomorrow’s me birthday, luv, so do me a favor and keep my secret. All I want for my birthday is just to be Joe Hippie for one more day. I haven’t had so much fun since I left the Cavern.” We never did spot the other two Beetles [sic], or even find out if they were really there. If somebody else did, we’ll fire our Agent 007.