“It’s a Nice Place to Visit” Script

Act One

EXT. EL MONOTONO STREET

MIKE:
“Welcome to El Monotono.” Oh. Well, thank you very much.

MICKY:
Yeah, don’t worry, Mike. In a couple hours, he’ll fix the car, and we’ll be outta this place.

DAVY:
What a place to be stuck in. Did anybody check if there’s a travel bureaus or something? Something to do? What can we do in this place?

PETER:
I just saw some advice to tourists.

DAVY:
Oh, really? What did it say?

PETER:
“Yankee go home.”

MIKE:
Why don’t we Yankee go in?

DAVY:
Right.

MICKY:
Baby…

INT. EL MONOTONO BAR

MICKY:
Let’s take the table right here.

PETER:
Why don’t we sit down right here?

MIKE:
Where’s my chair?

PETER:
Here, up a little bit, Mike.

MICKY:
You okay? Fine? Fine? Oh.

ANGELITA:
May I help you?

DAVY:
You already have.

MICKY:
Oh, true love strikes again. Davy, don’t. Not this t—

DAVY:
What’s your name?

ANGELITA:
Angelita.

DAVY:
Angelita. That’s a very pretty name. It means “Little Angel”. My name’s David.

ANGELITA:
What does “David” mean?

MIKE:
David means business, baby.

DAVY:
He’s only joking. I don’t know how long we’re gonna be here, but I thought if-if you’ve got time, you might go for a walk in the town with me.

MICKY:
Go for a walk? Man, that went out with Judy Garland and Mickey Rooney movies.

ANGELITA:
I don’t know.

DAVY:
You, you mean you don’t, you don’t want to go out with me?

PEDRO:
That’s what she means. Angelita, come here. She don’t go with you tonight or any other night. You leaving town tonight.

MICKY:
Wha—who said we have to leave town?

JOSE:
El Diablo, he say so. It’s his orders.

MIKE:
Now wait.

MICKY:
Now wait a minute.

DAVY:
Oh really.

MICKY:
It’s a free country. We’re just coming to…

DAVY:
Oh, you’re right.

MICKY:
We’re leaving. Bye. See you later. Bye.

DAVY:
Goodbye.

MICKY:
Bye. See you later. Oh!

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

Act Two

EXT. EL MONOTONO STREET

MICKY:
We sure do. We gotta get outta here.

DAVY:
But Angelita!

MIKE:
Angelita? Are you kidding, man? You heard what that guy said. That’s El Diablo’s girl, and if he catches you with her, he’ll kill you.

DAVY:
Well, every couple has its problems, you know.

MIKE:
Every couple has its problems, you know. That’s—

DAVY:
I’m gonna go back in and see her.

JOSE:
Ah!

DAVY:
Ahh! Let’s go and check the car.

MIKE:
Let’s check the car.

EXT. EL MONOTONO STREET

MIKE:
Did you find out what’s the matter with the car yet?

LUPE:
Si, amigo. I examine it from top to bottom. Finally, I find the trouble.

MIKE:
Oh, good. Wh-what is it?

LUPE:
It’s broken.

MIKE:
We know it’s broken, Lupe. What-what we mean is it like the fan belt or the fuel pump?

LUPE:
No, amigo. It’s nothing like that. What you need is a new motor.

MIKE:
Well, how much—how much will a new-new motor cost?

LUPE:
Fifty thousand centavos for the labor, sixty thousand centavos for the parts, and forty thousand centavos for the—

MIKE:
Um, wa-wait a minute. Uh, how much is that in A-American money?

LUPE:
Forty ninety-five.

MICKY:
Forty nine—where are we going to get forty ninety-five in the middle of Mexico?

DAVY:
Can we work for it?

INT. EL MONOTONO BAR

PEDRO:
Senors, my people, they don’t know nothing about your new American music, but the old must make a way for the new, so you can play the music here tonight.

“What Am I Doing Hangin’ ’Round?”

PEDRO:
Ha ha ha. Excuse me. Here you are, boys. Thank you! Alright, ??? gringos. Play! Play until you think you can’t play anymore. Play until you think you will drop, and then keep-a playing, eh! Ha ha!

MIKE:
We’ll do that. We could do the second verse over again, I suppose.

MICKY:
Now we’re gonna cut outta town. We’re gonna keep outta trouble, and we’re gonna—uh, and count our chickens before they’ve hatched. Hm, Davy, no.

PETER:
Davy, you can’t—

MICKY:
Please, Davy.

PETER:
You can’t talk to her, man.

MICKY:
You can’t talk to her, please.

DAVY:
Listen, I just wanna say goodbye.

MICKY:
N—

PETER:
No.

MICKY:
Well, okay.

PETER:
Yes.

MICKY:
Goodbye.

MIKE:
Yeah, well, goodbye, you could say.

PETER:
But just goodbye.

MICKY:
Just goodbye. Just—that’s all, please. Nothing more.

MIKE:
With your eyes. Say it with your eyes. You know.

DAVY:
Hello.

ANGELITA:
Hello.

DAVY:
Goodbye.

ANGELITA:
Oh, Davy! Davy. I had to tell you, I do not really want to be El Diablo’s girl, but in this town, one does not have a choice.

MICKY:
Davy! Oh, we’re gonna be here the rest of our lives.

DAVY:
Angelita, I have to go now, but I just want to tell you that I understand, and it’s best if we don’t see one another again. [Davy kisses Angelita.]

MIKE:
Davy, you were just gonna say goodbye.

DAVY:
I was just gonna say goodbye again. And again.

MAN:
Diablo! El Diablo’s coming!

CROWD:
[screaming]

MIKE:
Wait a minute. Who is this El Diablo person? Ooh, that’s El Diablo. Well.

MICKY:
Oh!

MIKE:
I can understand that.

MICKY:
Davy! Davy! Davy!

EL DIABLO:
Who is this I see with the woman of El Diablo?

DAVY:
Oh, w-we were just dancing, you know.

EL DIABLO:
Oh, you like to dance? Alright, gringo. Dance!

DAVY:
Um, no, thank you. I think I’ll sit this one out.

EL DIABLO:
I say dance.

DAVY:
Oh! Oh! Oh, oh!

MICKY:
Ow!

EL DIABLO:
Look, Angelita, look at this bouncing puppet you choose over El Diablo.

ANGELITA:
I don’t care; I still love him.

EL DIABLO:
Love? Him?

DAVY:
Oh, no, she doesn’t. She’s joking. She doesn’t really love me.

EL DIABLO:
You know what I do with fools like him?

DAVY:
No.

EL DIABLO:
First, I cock the pistol, then I close my eyes, then I aim, and I fire.

DAVY:
Ooh! You might miss. You might miss.

EL DIABLO:
I take my chances.

ANGELITA:
No, please!

DAVY:
Steady! Steady!

EL DIABLO:
Alright, gringo. I want to hear you beg for your life. Beg.

DAVY:
Oh, merciful master. Ardent killer. Oh, I beg. I’m begging. I’m begging.

EL DIABLO:
Ha ha ha ha.

MIKE:
Hold it, hold it, wait.

DAVY:
I’m begging, please.

PETER:
Don’t do anything.

DAVY:
See? See? My friends are begging too. Look at them. Down, down.

EL DIABLO:
See what you are giving your heart to. This idiot. This coward. This… this…

MICKY:
No good. Failure. Lousy.

ANGELITA:
I don’t care. I still love him. Look at his beautiful mouth.

DAVY:
Oh, no. My mouth is all crooked, you see this? No.

ANGELITA:
Your beautiful eyes.

DAVY:
No, my eyes. They’re crossed. They’re crossed. See that? See that? Can’t see a thing.

ANGELITA:
Tiny, tiny ears.

DAVY:
No, my ears, it’s all bent. See that? Please, don’t. She’s only joking. Please, don’t do that. Oh, oh, he’s gonna shoot me. Oh! Ahh!

EL DIABLO:
Take a last look, Angelita. You will never see him again. Get him!

DAVY:
Oh, no. She was joking. She was putting you on. Ha ha.

EL DIABLO:
You will be taken by horseback to the bandito camp. If you try to resist, you will suffer indescribable torture.

DAVY:
And if I don’t resist?

EL DIABLO:
Describable torture.

DAVY:
Oh! Don’t describe it to me. Please!

EL DIABLO:
Take him out!

MIKE:
Never mind, never mind. Nothing, nothing.

MICKY:
He’s big.

INT. EL MONOTONO BAR

MICKY:
Too long have we lived under this reign of terror. Isn’t it time to cast off our bonds?

CROWD:
Yes!

MICKY:
We have suffered the pain of the oppressed. Shall we not march together, side by side to freedom?

CROWD:
Yes!

MICKY:
The moment has come! Shall we forget our fears, harness our horses and ride to El Diablo’s camp, valiant and unafraid?

CROWD:
No!

MICKY:
Huh, no?

EXT. EL MONOTONO STREET

MIKE:
In order to rescue Davy, we’re gonna have to go there.

MICKY:
Go there?

MIKE:
Oh. Hey, it’s kind of nice. Ha ha. Uh, wait a minute. Don’t you think w-we oughta take something else with us, like a, like a club card or some badges?

MICKY:
Badges? We don’t need no stinking badges!

MIKE:
Well, okay, might as well go.

MICKY:
Aye! Aye!

MIKE:
Thank you very much, Lupe.

LUPE:
Yes, yes, everything is alright, amigos. Everything is okay.

EXT. EL DIABLO’S CAMP

DAVY:
Ah!

EXT. EL DIABLO’S CAMP

MICKY:
??? Hey, I think we got ’em, guys.

MIKE:
Yes, I think we finally did.

MICKY:
Eh, I think they got us, guys.

PETER:
Hey, do you see Davy anywhere?

MICKY:
No.

MIKE:
Shh!

JOSE:
I will take these funny fellows to El Diablo.

MICKY:
Aye.

MIKE:
Yes, you take us to El Diablo.

JOSE:
Andale.

MIKE:
Well, wherever he is.

MICKY:
Who’s El Diablo? Who’s El Diablo?

INT. EL DIABLO’S CAMP

EL DIABLO:
What is this?

MIKE:
What is this? I’ll tell you what is this. My leader, the greatest bandit—easy—the greatest bandit in the world, wish to join forces with you.

EL DIABLO:
Who is this who call himself the greatest bandit in the world?

MICKY:
Who is this who asks who is this who names himself who is this, the greatest bandit of them all?

EL DIABLO:
They call me El Diablo, also known as the bandit without a heart.

MICKY:
They call me El Dolenzio, also known as the bandit without a soul.

MIKE:
And they call me El Nesmito, also known as the bandit without no—w-without any conscience.

PETER:
And they call me El Torko, the bandit, uh… without a nickname.

MICKY:
Okay, Diablo, my band of friends and I, we want to join forces with you. We want to ride down the hills into the villages, right into the mouths of the guns of the villagers, shooting and killing and riding on the horses, and the federales will come screaming down the hills, looking for us. We’ll kill ’em—

EL DIABLO:
You join forces with me? Heh heh! Ha ha ha! You are not worthy for shining the boots.

PETER:
Oh, yeah, we even brought our own things—

EL DIABLO:
We shall see. You will be given a series of tests. If you pass them, you can join our camp. But beware, if you fail, the last man who failed was found in a ditch. He was shot, knifed, poisoned, and killed.

MICKY; Shot?

MIKE:
Knifed?

PETER:
Poisoned?

MICKY:
And killed?

EL DIABLO:
Eh heh heh heh heh.

MICKY:
We’ve got our own self-defense too.

MIKE:
We got a little self-defense.

MICKY:
Eh, guys? We got our own self-de—

MIKE:
Ow.

EL DIABLO:
Ha ha ha!

MICKY:
We got our own trouble in store—how did you do that?

MIKE:
That’s very good. I didn’t know you could do that. You used to play the dummy.

Act Three

EXT. EL DIABLO’S CAMP

JOSE:
The first test: the test of strength.

???:
Caramba!

INT. EL DIABLO’S CAMP

MICKY:
Hey, what’s going on here?

JOSE:
Shh! It is the second test: a test of skill and determination.

EL DIABLO:
Draw, draw!

MICKY:
Oh, careful!

EL DIABLO:
Any deuces?

PETER:
Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha! Go fish. Ha ha! No deuces. Ha ha ha!

EXT. EL DIABLO’S CAMP

EL DIABLO:
This is the third test: a test for bravery.

MIKE (V.O.):
Cut the rope. Cut the rope, Mick.

EXT. EL DIABLO’S CAMP

EL DIABLO:
The celebration is for you, my friends. Will you join me in some wine?

PETER:
No.

MIKE:
No, we don’t drink wine.

EL DIABLO:
When El Diablo drinks, everybody drinks.

MICKY:
Drink a lot of wine.

MIKE:
A lot of wine.

EL DIABLO:
A toast to our new friends and fellow bandits. Ah!

MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
Toast to new friends and fellow bandits. Hey!

EL DIABLO:
A toast.

MICKY:
Oh, a toast.

EL DIABLO:
A toast to, to…

PETER:
To end all this drinking.

MIKE:
I like that.

EL DIABLO:
Ha ha!

MIKE:
Yeah. Go find where Davy is, quick.

PETER:
I’ll fetch Davy.

EL DIABLO:
Hey, where does that one go?

MIKE:
He goes, he goes to get some fresh air.

EL DIABLO:
But we are outside.

MICKY:
Oh, yes, we’re outside.

MIKE:
It’s, uh, it’s from the wine. He needs to get the…

EL DIABLO:
Oh! Some air, eh? Ha ha ha!

EXT. EL DIABLO’S CAMP

Peter:
Uh, buenos días, el guardo. Uh, como va? Uh, uh, yo guardero el prisonero usted of uh, oh, party-o.

BANDIT:
Qué? Qué?

Peter:
Uh, El Diablo, uh, lots of food, uh, there’s a party, uh, fiesta, lots of carrying-ons, uh, over the hill.

BANDIT:
Qué?

PETER:
Booze.

BANDIT:
Booze!

DAVY:
Oh no, no, Mr. Bandit, please, I didn’t mean it, honestly. It was a joke, honestly.

PETER:
Davy, it’s me, Peter.

DAVY:
Peter who?

PETER:
Peter Tork.

DAVY:
Oh, Peter!

PETER:
Davy!

DAVY:
Peter!

PETER:
Davy!

DAVY:
Peter!

PETER:
Davy!

DAVY:
Peter!

PETER:
Da—

DAVY:
Will ya—untie me and stop, you know, will ya?

PETER:
Oh, yes, I’ll have you out in no time at all, and, uh, I’ll, uh, uh, just as soon as I, uh. How do you untie a square knot?

DAVY:
Square knot? Um, let me se—oh yeah, yeah. You know the knot? Well, there’s a loop underneath it. Peter, my finger, don’t pull on my finger, will ya?

EXT. EL DIABLO’S CAMP

MIKE:
El Dolenzio. What-what you’re doing?

MICKY:
I just trying to mingle. Everybody clap.

EXT. EL DIABLO’S CAMP

DAVY:
And stick it through the side where the eight is. No, it—actually, shaped like a seven, Peter. No, it’s the one on the left. No, that’s my finger, Peter.

PETER:
Oh, I’m sorry.

EXT. EL DIABLO’S CAMP

MIKE:
Peter’s gotta have found Davy by now; let’s get outta here. Um, El Dolenzio and myself, we want to thank you for the banquet, but, uh, the wine and everything, we need to get some air.

EL DIABLO:
Ah ha ha! Some air.

MIKE:
We need to get some air. We need to get outta here.

EXT. EL DIABLO’S CAMP

DAVY:
Stick it through the figure eight. Now, do it, will you? Now underneath, you see, you see the string hanging down? The one that’s crisscrossed like a figure—well, you know, an eight. An eight. It’s like shaped like this. An eight. You got that? Well, anyway. Take that and you take the loose end… Been here for twenty-five minutes!

MICKY:
Andale, muchachos! Andale!

PETER:
Oh, no! Oh, no, Mr. Bandit, please don’t!

DAVY:
Peter, you’re choking me.

MICKY:
Bingo! Bango! Bango, bango, bango!

PETER:
Mr. Bandit, please don’t!

MICKY:
Don’t what? it’s Mike and Mi—I mean, it’s Micky and Mike.

MIKE:
Yeah.

PETER:
Micky and Mike who?

MICKY:
Micky and Mike who?

MIKE:
You know Micky and Mike who. What do you say “Micky and Mike who” for?

PETER:
Well, Davy did it to me.

MICKY:
Will you untie—

DAVY:
I was trying to explain to him how to untie me.

MICKY:
Well, it’s very simple, man. You just put the loose end through the figure eight.

DAVY:
That’s what I was trying to tell him all this time.

MIKE:
Good, you’re untied. Free now?

DAVY:
Yeah.

MIKE:
Okay. Vamonos, amigos.

PETER:
Huh?

MICKY:
What does that—

PETER:
What’s that mean?

MIKE:
It mean, it means, “Come on, guys. Let’s go.”

PETER:
Oh, at least it’s in character.

DAVY:
I can dig it.

EXT. EL DIABLO’S CAMP

DAVY:
Let’s go, let’s go. Come on, Micky.

ATTENDANT:
Hey! Haltiamo, por favore! You guys ain’t going nowhere.

MICKY:
What?

ATTENDANT:
Fifty cents for parking.

MICKY:
Fifty cents for parking? What do you mean? We’re just tourists.

ATTENDANT:
Tourists? Where are your seersucker jackets, your flat shoes, your Japanese cameras?

MICKY:
We are Mexican bandits. Mexican bandits.

ATTENDANT:
If you can be Mexican bandits, I can be a Mexican parking lot attendant. Fifty cents for parking.

PETER:
That’s something.

DAVY:
We can dig it. We can dig it.

ATTENDANT:
Gracias.

MICKY:
See you later, guys.

MIKE:
Aye.

EXT. EL DIABLO’S CAMP

EL DIABLO:
The prisoner is gone!

JOSE:
I see that!

EL DIABLO:
Those bandits, they were the musicians!

JOSE:
I see that!

EL DIABLO:
After them!

[Jose runs into a tree.]

JOSE:
Ooh, I did not see that.

EXT. EL MONOTONO STREET

LUPE:
Hey, Monkees, some gasoline?

MIKE:
Ah.

ANGELITA:
Davy. Oh!

MIKE:
Okay. How much for the gas?

LUPE:
Twenty thousand centavos for the can.

MIKE:
Okay.

LUPE:
Fifty thousand centavos for the gas.

MIKE:
Okay.

LUPE:
And forty thousand centavos for the labor?

MIKE:
What? What-what labor?

LUPE:
All the thinking to add it up.

JOSE:
Hee!

LUPE:
Ay, chihuahua!

JOSE:
I bring news from El Diablo for you.

MICKY:
Who, me?

JOSE:
For you!

MICKY:
Uh, what does it say? Mike, El Di-El Diablo. “I, El Diablo challenge the musician who claimed to be El Dolenzio to a duel of honor.” Oh! And uh, ah, the place is the center of town. The time, high noon.

LUPE:
???

MICKY:
It’s high noon. Listen. If there’s heavy traffic, can we make it twelve fifteen?

JOSE:
High noon. Wah!

MIKE:
Look, man. Y-y-you’ve been challenged. What’re you gonna do?

MICKY:
What am I gonna do?

MIKE:
Yeah.

MICKY:
Micky Dolenz in a challenge? What do you think I’ll do?

MIKE:
You’re gonna split.

MICKY:
Right!

MIKE:
Yeah.

ANGELITA:
No. No, please. If you leave, he will punish the entire town.

MICKY:
Baby, if I don’t leave, he gonna punish my entire body.

ANGELITA:
Oh, no, please.

INT. EL MONOTONO BAR

PETER:
Are you scared?

MICKY:
No, I’m not scared. I welcome this duel. Symbol of good against the symbol of evil, and I know I’m gonna be the victor.

DAVY:
Because the symbol of good always wins?

MICKY:
No, because the lead in a television series always wins. Alright, get me my lucky holster.

MIKE:
Lucky holster. Which one’s your lucky holster?

MICKY:
The one with a gun in it.

MIKE:
The one with a gun in it.

DAVY:
Lucky holster.

MICKY:
Get me my lucky forty-five.

DAVY:
A lucky forty-five. Here’s a lucky forty-five. Here we go.

MICKY:
Alright. Get me my lucky thirty-eight.

DAVY:
Lucky thirty-eight. He’s got it.

MICKY:
Alright, now get me my three lucky forty hoberseebers.

DAVY:
Three lucky forty hobers. Sober reeb. Okay. I can dig it. Yeah. Over the top.

MICKY:
Alright.

DAVY:
Hoberseeber. Can you reeba sack. Rober.

MICKY:
Alright, guys. Ready to meet El Diablo. Just one more thing, guys.

PETER:
What’s that?

MICKY:
Can you carry me to the street?

EXT. EL MONOTONO STREET

EL DIABLO:
So, gringo, you have decide to show up.

MICKY:
That’s right. I showed up for the showdown. Wish I didn’t have to be here, El Diablo. I hate killing. I hate harming any living creature.

EL DIABLO:
Then how come you got forty-three notches in your gun?

MICKY:
I make exceptions.

EL DIABLO:
You don’t stand a chance, gringo. I have killed many hombres at high noon.

MICKY:
Why do you always pick high noon for your dates?

EL DIABLO:
I’m working on a tan. I’m going to count to three, gringo.

MICKY:
Right. Three.

EL DIABLO:
One. Two. [El Diablo starts shooting.] Three.

MICKY:
Eh, you missed! Blabla! Yeah, you missed! Wah, you missed! You missed!

“What Am I Doing Hangin’ ’Round?”