“Fairy Tale” Script

INT. AVON-ON-CALLING STREET

TOWN CRYER:
Once upon a time in the little village of Avon-on-Calling, there were four young men. There was Mike.

MIKE:
Hi! I’m Mike, and I’m the cobbler, heh.

TOWN CRYER:
And Davy.

DAVY:
Hi, I’m Davy, and I’m the tailor, a-heh.

TOWN CRYER:
And Micky.

MICKY:
Hi! I’m Micky, and I’m the innkeeper.

TOWN CRYER:
And Peter.

PETER:
Hi, I’m Peter, and I’m out of work.

TOWN CRYER:
The reason Peter was out of work was because of the princess. He was so in love with her he couldn’t concentrate on getting a job.

MIKE:
Peter, Peter, listen.

PETER:
Huh?

MIKE:
You gotta stop dreaming about that princess, man; she’s a high born monarch, and you’re not.

PETER:
I can’t help it, Michael, for I love her so deeply that I would cut off my right arm to please her.

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE:
Hark!

DAVY:
Ooh!

PETER:
Hark!

HAROLD:
Heave, heave. Let’s ho. Ho, quickly horses! Ho, dislodge your hooves!

DAVY:
The princess!

GWEN:
Help! Help! Here we are, stuck in the mud in some filthy little town. Help! What a bunch of incompetents! Help!

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

INT. AVON-ON-CALLING STREET

MIKE:
Ooh, wow! What a great looking chick!

PETER:
She’s beautiful.

GWEN:
Harold, get me out of the mud, will you please?

MIKE:
She’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever laid eyes on! Look at those sideburns, and that body!

DAVY:
Cool it, cool it, Mike, cool it.

MIKE:
Mrph mrph mrph mrph!

HAROLD:
Just a moment, ho, quickly! ??? quickly!

TOWN CRYER:
See the horses try to pull the carriage.

HAROLD:
Heave! Ho!

RICHARD:
I’m heaving!

HAROLD:
Then ho a little!

RICHARD:
Alright, I’m hoing!

HAROLD:
Pull, horses! Pull this carriage from out the mud in which it has lodged! Oh, fair jewel of the east, I’ll have you out of here in just but a moment. I knew we should have joined an automobile club. Quickly! Heave!

RICHARD:
Yes.

HAROLD:
Ho!

GWEN:
Look, somebody better come get me out of this mud.

HAROLD:
Out of the mud! Mud, I—

PETER:
Oh, fair princess! I have loved you from afar lo these many moons. May I carry you across the mud?

GWEN:
What? You carry me across the mud? Ha ha! I’m a princess. You’re nothing but a lowly little peasant, a wayward serf, the lowest of the low.

PETER:
So you’ve heard of me.

GWEN:
I will honor your spine with a walk across it. Down, peasant!

PETER:
My spine thanks you.

GWEN:
Down!

PETER:
There’s a fifty cent toll at the other end.

GWEN:
Shut up or I’ll have you paved.

PETER:
Except for official traffic, of course.

HAROLD:
Water the horses, dislodge the carriage, find provisions, and clean the erasers. My lady—

GWEN:
Harold, you better get this carriage out of the mud!

HAROLD:
’T-tis stuck very deep, my lady. ’Twill be a time before we can leave this place again.

GWEN:
Oh, ’twill it now? Well, if you don’t get me out of this filthy little village in ten minutes, I’m not gonna marry you; what do you think of that?

HAROLD:
Oh, wow, what a bummer.

GWEN:
Ye—open the door, creep.

PETER:
A Romeo and Juliet, they’re not.

HAROLD:
Thy carriage, fair pearl.

MICKY:
Ooh. He’s mean.

DAVY:
Very mean, very mean.

MICKY:
Peter, what are you lying down there in the mud for? Get up!

INT. AVON-ON-CALLING INN

HAROLD:
Ah, innkeeper, ho! Innkeeper! Innkeeper!

MICKY:
What ho, sire?

HAROLD:
Grovel, grovel!

MICKY:
No, not grovel; it’s concrete tile.

HAROLD:
Meat, wine, creamed spinach, and a surprise dessert.

MICKY:
Ah, but sire, this is but a poor inn; we don’t have such things.

HAROLD:
Well, then send out for sandwiches.

MICKY:
Right, sandwiches, yeah.

TOWN CRYER:
See the knights eat food. See them spill their food.

INT. AVON-ON-CALLING INN

HAROLD:
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Now is our opportunity. You’ll take her to the tower, you’ll torture her, you’ll kill her, and then, you’ll stab yourself to death.

INT. AVON-ON-CALLING STREET

PETER:
My princess! My princess!

GWEN:
My bridge! My bridge!

PETER:
I have news. The evil Harold is—

HAROLD:
Ha ha! Ho! Ha ha! Ho!

PETER:
Well, here I am again.

HAROLD:
Victuals for thou, sweet princess. Oh, glad to see you’re back.

PETER:
It’s good to be back.

HAROLD:
Food!

GWEN:
Oh-ho! My very favorite: leftovers! Mm!

HAROLD:
’Tis time we were away.

GWEN:
Hold it just a minute, buster. Never—never let it be said that a princess didn’t reward a favor.

PETER:
What’s this?

GWEN:
It’s junk.

PETER:
I don’t deserve it!

GWEN:
Yes, I’m hip, but wear it anyway; it looks good on you. Come, Harold, let’s awa—let’s a—let’s away.

HAROLD:
Richard, let us away!

RICHARD:
Horses, let us away!

HORSEMAN:
Yeah, man, let’s split! Plll.

PETER:
Any more of this, and I’m gonna get another princess to worship.

INT. AVON-ON-CALLING INN

PETER:
And he’s gonna murder her in the tower, a remote castle protected by a scary forest and a moat-moat and an impenetrable dragon.

DAVY:
A what kind of dragon?

PETER:
A impenetrable dragon.

DAVY:
So, what you gonna do, Peter?

PETER:
I’m gonna miss her when she’s gone.

MICKY:
Hey, what about the locket? You know, maybe if you, uh—

PETER:
Ah, no, man, it’s worthless; it’s made of tin.

FAIRY:
Who called? Who called the fairy of the locket?

PETER:
Locket? Uh, l—uh, l—well, I guess I did.

FAIRY:
Well, call back later; I was having my hair done. Bye.

DAVY:
Wait, wait, wait! You don’t understand; Princess Gwen, she’s really in trouble. She’s in danger.

FAIRY:
Gwen… Gwen. Oh! The one that’s always complaining?

MICKY:
Yeah, that’s right.

FAIRY:
The selfish, conceited, overbearing one, oh, with the Texas accent?

PETER:
That’s the one.

MICKY:
Yeah, right!

FAIRY:
Well, uh, let’s do something; she’s got a lot on the ball. Uh, you. You shall cut me a pair of shoes that can scale high walls.

MIKE:
Shoes that will sc—that will scale…

FAIRY:
You. You shall sew me a suit of maille that nothing can penetrate.

DAVY:
I’ll sue a soat, s-send you a suit in the, in the mail, right.

FAIRY:
Yeah. And you. You shall forge a kitchen knife into a sword that can cut through iron.

MICKY:
Right, forge, yeah, right. Ha ha.

DAVY:
Right.

PETER:
What about me?

FAIRY:
You shall collect unemployment while your friends are working. Then, when all is ready, you shall take these magic things, find your way to the tower, and save the princess. But remember, you must not drop, or crush, or lose the locket.

MICKY:
Ah, ’cause it’ll lose its magic, right!

MIKE:
Way to go, Micky!

DAVY:
Right.

FAIRY:
No, ’cause I’ll be killed, stupid; it’s my home.

CHOIR (V.O.):
♪ Magic locket ♪

FAIRY:
And now, farewell!

INT. CASTLE - TOWER

HAROLD:
Aha ha ha ha ha.

GWEN:
Oh, save your laughter, Harold. Soon my friends will be here to save me.

HAROLD:
Who will save you, Gwen? The nobles hate you, the clergy hate you, the vassals hate you, and the serfs hate you. So, who will save you? Who? Who? Who? Hm hm.

GWEN:
Well, let me think. Who’s left?

INT. AVON-ON-CALLING FOREST

PETER:
Why me? Why do I have to go into the scary forest and face the dragon and save the princess? I don’t even like her anymore!

MIKE:
Don’t even like her? Man, that’s the grooviest looking chick I ever sawr! With them side—

DAVY:
Cool it.

MICKY:
Peter, you’re the only man left in the whole kingdom that can face the fierce dragon, go through the scary forest, and face the vicious guards watching over the princess.

PETER:
Me the only man? Why me the—what about the army? Ten thousand strong! What—

MICKY:
Peter! Don’t make waves!

MIKE:
You’ve got him there, boy, huh huh huh!

INT. AVON-ON-CALLING FOREST

DAVY (AS RED):
Tra-la tra-la tra-la tra-la-la. Tra-la.

PETER:
Who’s that?

DAVY (AS RED):
Tra-la-la, tra tra-la tra-la tra-la tra-la-la.

PETER:
Hey.

DAVY (AS RED):
La-la, la-la la.

PETER:
Hey.

DAVY (AS RED):
What?

PETER:
Who are you?

DAVY (AS RED):
I’m Little Red Riding Hood, and I-I’m gonna see my grandmother in the forest.

PETER:
Oh, no! You can’t go! The wolf’s already been to your grandma’s, and he-he’s eaten her up, and he’s waiting to do the same thing to you!

DAVY (AS RED):
Sure, kid, and the cow jumped over the moon, ha ha. Tra la-la la-la la-la.

INT. AVON-ON-CALLING INN

MICKY:
Well, I guess maybe we shouldn’t have sent Peter up there.

MIKE:
Yeah, you may be right. I don’t know what we’re gonna do now.

DAVY:
Let us seek a little bit of comfort in our hour of sorrow.

INT. AVON-ON-CALLING FOREST

PETER:
Hark! That must be Hansel and Gretel.

MICKY (AS HANSEL):
Look! A gingerbread house all made out of cookies and candies and things! You think we should eat some? I’m hungry.

DAVY (AS GRETEL):
Ah, I-I don’t think so, Hansel.

MICKY (AS HANSEL):
Why not? Are you afraid a wicked witch is gonna jump out of the forest and turn us into gingerbread men ’cause we ate her house?

DAVY (AS GRETEL):
No. It’s just that sweets make me break out.

MICKY (AS HANSEL):
Oh. ???

PETER:
Aren’t they sweet?

INT. CASTLE - TOWER

GWEN:
Man, you better get me out of here, or you’re in big trouble! Ahhhhh…

RICHARD:
Horrible! The screaming, the yelling, the raving—I-I can’t take it anymore!

HAROLD:
I know, I know!

RICHARD:
So, when are we gonna start torturing her?

INT. AVON-ON-CALLING FOREST

PETER:
Hello there. Is anything the matter?

MICKY (AS GOLDILOCKS):
Hi. Plenty’s the matter. My name’s Goldilocks, and I’m so tired and hungry, and I’m gonna go to that cottage there and get something to eat.

PETER:
Oh, hey, you better not do that, because there’s three bears live over there, and if they find out that somebody’s sat in their chair and eaten their porridge and slept in their beds, they’re gonna be very angry.

MICKY (AS GOLDILOCKS):
Oh, don’t worry; nothing can happen to me.

PETER:
How come?

MICKY (AS GOLDILOCKS):
’Cause I’m a mean little girl.

INT. OUTSIDE CASTLE

DRAGON:
Roar. Roar. Roar. Roar. Roar. I’m the dragon of the moat. Roar.

PETER:
I’m not afraid of you; I have magic sword.

DRAGON:
Oh, for goodness’ sake! Put that thing away! I’ve had enough violence in my life. I’m sick of it!

PETER:
Oh, well, huh, that’s refreshing.

DRAGON:
Listen, I’ll just ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I’ll lower the drawbridge.

PETER:
I’m not very good at riddles.

DRAGON:
Are you better at getting eaten? Ha ha ha ha! What has two ears, two eyes, and a very short life?

PETER:
I don’t know.

DRAGON:
That’s close enough. Lower the drawbridge.

MAN (O.S.):
Lower the drawbridge!

MAN (O.S.):
Lower the drawbridge!

MAN (O.S.):
Lower the drawbridge!

DRAGON:
Go in. Hurry up. Hurry up. Go in. Hurry up. He’s all yours, Richard. Ha ha ha ha.

INT. CASTLE

CHOIR (V.O.):
♪ Magic locket ♪
♪ Clank clank ♪
Clank ♪
♪ Clank, clank ♪
♪ Magic locket ♪

PETER (V.O.):
That must be the tall tower where the maiden lies languishing—

INT. CASTLE - TOWER

GWEN:
Yes, here I am. Languish, languish.

INT. CASTLE

PETER:
—in a dim lit cell—

INT. CASTLE - TOWER

GWEN:
This cell, it’s so dimly lit.

INT. CASTLE

PETER:
—with her spirit unbroken.

INT. CASTLE - TOWER

GWEN:
Man, you better get me out of here, or you’re in big trouble!

INT. CASTLE - TOWER

GWEN:
Languish, languish. Tall cell. Dim lit.

INT. CASTLE

PETER (V.O.):
Don’t give up hope, Gwen! I’m coming to save you!

INT. CASTLE - TOWER

GWEN:
Well, use the service entrance, peasant!

INT. CASTLE - TOWER

PETER:
Princess, quickly, before Harold and Richard get here. I—we can away through the window out to freedom!

GWEN:
Okay—wait a minute. Out the window? Oh, not a chance, buster; I’m afraid of heights.

PETER:
Oh, you have nothing to fear as long as I have this magic locket.

GWEN:
Magic locket?

PETER:
Yes, the one you gave me.

GWEN:
I gave you that?

PETER:
Yeah.

GWEN:
I don’t give anybody a magic locket.

PETER:
Huh?

GWEN:
It was a loan. Give it back.

PETER:
Wh—

GWEN:
Fork it over, buster.

HAROLD:
Ha ha! Get them! Grab them!

RICHARD:
Why should we do that? They’re already in prison.

HAROLD:
Do as I say, oaf!

PETER:
I will protect you! Ow! My sword’s stuck; give me the locket!

GWEN:
You’re gonna fight them with a magic locket? You might as well do a dance to spring. No siree bob, baby, the locket stays with me.

PETER:
Come on, give me the locket!

GWEN:
Not on your life!

HAROLD:
Ah, nothing—nothing that you can do will save her.

PETER:
So it seems.

GWEN:
I keep the locket.

HAROLD:
And as for you, I have planned a gruesome, tortuous, painful death.

GWEN:
You realize, of course, Harold, that this means we’re through. Absolutely through.

INT. AVON-ON-CALLING INN

TOWN CRYER:
Hear ye! Hear ye! Hear ye!

MIKE:
Hey, town crier, baby, what’s happening?

TOWN CRYER:
Peter, peasant of Tork, has been caught trespassing in knight Harold’s estate and will be executed.

MICKY:
Ah!

DAVY:
Executed? When?

TOWN CRYER:
It doesn’t say; you’ll have to wait for the late edition.

DAVY:
Heh heh.

MIKE:
Ooh, wow! We’ll see you later, town crier, baby!

DAVY:
Okay.

INT. CASTLE - TOWER

GWEN:
Eh! Keep your hands off of me!

PETER:
I didn’t do anything, I promise.

GWEN:
Eh! Letch!

INT. AVON-ON-CALLING FOREST

MICKY:
Trudge, trudge.

MIKE:
Hold it. Man, we’ve been searching for this castle for three days; we’re liable to get lost.

MICKY:
No, we won’t; I have a plan.

MIKE:
What?

MICKY:
We’ll split up, go in three separate directions, leave a trail of breadcrumbs wherever you go, and we’ll follow them back.

MIKE:
What if the birds eat the crumbs?

MICKY:
Follow the birds.

MIKE:
Hey, good thinking!

MICKY:
Yeah.

MIKE:
???

INT. AVON-ON-CALLING FOREST

DAVY (AS RED):
Tra-la tra-lee tra-low, tra-lum tra-lee tra-lee tra-lee—

MICKY:
Hi! Where you going?

DAVY (AS RED):
I-I’m going to my grandmother’s house. You see, she’s sick, and I got some good things for her to eat.

MICKY:
Oh, hey.

DAVY (AS RED):
What?

MICKY:
I just got a hunch that your grandma’s been eaten by a big bad wolf.

DAVY (AS RED):
That’s true. I know.

MICKY:
Well, so where’re you going?

DAVY (AS RED):
I’m going to my other grandmother’s. Aha.

MICKY:
Oh.

DAVY (AS RED):
Tra-la, tra-lee tra-lee.

INT. AVON-ON-CALLING FOREST

MICKY (AS GOLDILOCKS):
Help! Help! Oh, help me, woodsman! Oh, help me! The two bears are chasing me from their house!

DAVY:
Two bears? I thought there were three bears?

MICKY (AS GOLDILOCKS):
Yeah, well, the papa bear kinda wanted me to hang around, heh.

INT. OUTSIDE CASTLE

MICKY:
Well, there’s the castle they said no man could get in alive.

MIKE:
Oh boy.

MICKY:
And now I know why.

DAVY:
Let’s split, ah!

INT. CASTLE - TOWER

GWEN:
Hey. Hey! What do you think they’re really gonna do?

PETER:
Well, they’d never kill a real princess.

GWEN:
Oh, heavens, no.

PETER:
No, that’s ridiculous.

GWEN:
No, no, wouldn’t kill me.

PETER:
Must be some kind of a joke.

HAROLD:
It’s time to die.

PETER:
So, let’s laugh it up.

INT. OUTSIDE CASTLE

DRAGON:
What has six eyes, six ears, and a short life?

MICKY:
Three dumb peasants.

DRAGON:
Hey, that’s right!

DAVY:
That’s a good one. That’s a good one.

MIKE:
How did you know that? Wow!

DRAGON:
Lower the drawbridge.

MAN (O.S.):
Lower the drawbridge!

MAN (O.S.):
Lower the drawbridge!

MICKY:
Outasite!

DAVY:
Thank you.

MIKE:
Into the castle. Into the castle.

MICKY:
Bye, we’ll see ya.

INT. CASTLE

GWEN:
Eh! Eh! Help!

HAROLD:
Over the parapet!

GWEN:
Wah!

HAROLD:
Goodbye, good riddance!

GWEN:
Wait a minute, you dingbat. Who’s gonna feed the goldfish?

MIKE:
Oh!

MICKY:
Peter!

MIKE:
Battle! Hey!

MICKY:
We are here to save you!

MIKE:
Hey, Pete!

PETER:
Micky, Davy, Pete—uh, Mike! You’ve come!

HAROLD:
Flee, flee in terror; this is no place for a woman. This is man’s work.

GWEN:
Eh! Ah! Eh! Eh!

HAROLD:
Attack, attack!

MIKE:
Boffo! Bango! Bam! Bam! Bango! Boffo! Bango! Bam!

GWEN:
Eh. Oh, it’s certainly no place for a woman. Eh!

MIKE:
And that one there! And another hit in the armor!

DAVY:
Can you fight too? I’m doing all the fighting here.

TOWN CRYER:
Hooray for Davy!

MICKY:
Peter! Peter! What about the locket?

TOWN CRYER:
Hooray for Micky!

PETER:
She made me give it back.

GWEN:
You’re darn right I took it back; it’s my locket.

HAROLD:
You know, basically, I’m a very non-violent person.

PETER:
Oh, really? That’s very refreshing.

HAROLD:
Oh.

TOWN CRYER:
Hooray for Peter!

GWEN:
Defending my honor, isn’t that groovy?

MIKE:
Wham! Bam!

GWEN:
A bunch of long-haired weirdoes and some vicious people.

DAVY:
He’s winning! He’s winning!

PETER:
I’m losing! I’m losing!

GWEN:
Oh, alright. If you’re gonna lose the fight, here’s the locket.

CHOIR (V.O.):
♪ Magic locket ♪

HAROLD:
I give up.

RICHARD:
If you give up, then, then I give up too.

HAROLD:
I give up.

MICKY:
Yay!

DAVY:
Yay! We won! We won!

GWEN:
Ooh, he won, he won.

TOWN CRYER:
Hooray for the good guys!

MIKE:
Little song here.
♪ Robin men ♪

MICKY, MIKE:
♪ Robin men, riding through the woods ♪

GWEN:
Boy, I’m sure am glad this worked out this way; you know, I could’ve been wasted.

INT. CASTLE

GWEN:
Well, you have kidnapped and threatened to kill the woman that you were gonna marry. I hope you have some sort of an explanation.

HAROLD:
I despise you.

GWEN:
I didn’t ask for an apology, stupid. And you. You, my knight in shining armor. By way of reward, I will grant you any wish that your heart desires.

PETER:
Anything?

GWEN:
Oh, anything at all.

PETER:
Oh! What’ll I ask for?

MIKE:
Ask her to marry you!

DAVY:
Right.

PETER:
No, I-I couldn’t.

MIKE:
Yeah, go ahead. Ask her to marry you, man. What groovy looking chick, with a body like that—

DAVY:
Hey, hey, cool it, cool it, cool it.

MIKE:
—I’ve never seen those sideburns—

MICKY:
Go on, ask her to marry you.

PETER:
I’m scared.

GWEN:
Come on.

PETER:
I’m too young to get married.

GWEN:
Don’t ???

MIKE:
Oh, man, ha ha, that’s funny.

PETER:
Princess?

GWEN:
Yes?

PETER:
Princess, will you marry me?

GWEN:
No, I won’t marry you!

PETER:
You won’t marry me?

GWEN:
Of course not, man!

PETER:
Why won’t you marry—Michael!

MIKE:
Yeah, I’m already married, man. You know, Phyllis and Christian and my little kids.

PETER:
Oh.

MIKE:
Oh, wow, she’s married, man, what a bummer!

DAVY:
Oh!

PETER:
Boy, it’s a good thing you thought of it.

GWEN:
Mm.

MIKE:
Well, that wraps up another laugh riot. And this is…

MICKY:
Mike Nesmith.

MIKE:
Micky Dolenz.

DAVY:
And Peter Tork.

PETER:
And Davy Jones.

MIKE:
And Micky Dolenz. Reminding you to save the Texas prairie chicken.

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE:
Blu-lu-lum!

GWEN, PETER:
Blu-lu-lum!

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE:
♪ Here we come ♪
♪ Walking down the street ♪
♪ We get the funniest looks from ♪
♪ Everyone we meet ♪

INT. THE PAD

DAVY:
We’re talking about him dressing up in-in the, uh, princess show, as-as the-the—

MICKY:
Princess?

DAVY:
No, as the queen. The, uh, the mother image. Ha ha ha ha.

MIKE:
Yeah, as opposed to the father image, right?

DAVY:
Right.

MIKE:
I’m twenty-four years old and still just as spry as a chicken.

MICKY:
Everybody pan.

PETER:
They already got him.

BERT SCHNEIDER (O.S.):
What do you think Christian’s reaction is gonna be?

MICKY:
Ga goo gie ga.

DAVY:
Same as a Jew, I should suppose.

BERT SCHNEIDER (O.S.):
What, uh… what’s your son’s reaction gonna be?

DAVY:
Excuse me. I’m sorry.

MICKY:
That didn’t make any sense at all.

DAVY:
’Course it did. He says what would a Christian’s reaction be.

MICKY:
Oh ho ho! Oh!

DAVY:
Same as a—

BERT SCHNEIDER (O.S.):
Let me ask you, how did you feel about dressing up as a princess and the hair and the whole thing?

MIKE:
Well, I fail to recognize that I really did that, you know.

DAVY:
Why, Michael?

MIKE:
Yeah, I refuse to accept that fact.

DAVY:
Ha ha. I played Gretel very, uh, what’s the word?

PETER:
Gretel, I think, is the word for it.

DAVY:
Very Gretel.

PETER:
Very Gretel indeed.

DAVY:
Right.

“Daily Nightly”

MICKY:
Psychedelic.