“A Coffin too Frequent” Script

Act One

INT. THE PAD - UPSTAIRS BEDROOM

PETER:
Time for bed.

DAVY:
Good night, fellas.

MIKE:
Good night, Davy.

DAVY:
Good night, Mike.

MIKE:
Good night, Peter.

MICKY:
Good night.

PETER:
Good night.

MICKY:
We’re in the wrong bed.

PETER:
We’re in the wrong beds?

MIKE:
Well, come on. Let’s change. Hold it.

DAVY:
Get your bearings. Get your bearings.

PETER:
Ah!

VOICE:
Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

DAVY:
Did one of us just get in?

VOICE:
Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

DAVY:
Huh. Well, at least we know whoever, it has a sense of humor.

PETER:
I don’t know what you’re worried about. There’s only one person that could be, uh, you know, down there at this time of night.

DAVY:
Who’s that?

PETER:
A burglar.

MICKY:
Right. That’s true. Perfect.

DAVY:
Okay.

MIKE:
There’s a burglar!

MICKY:
Ah! Burga-burga-burga, wah, wah, burga! Wait a minute!

MIKE:
Hold it. Hold it.

INT. THE PAD

HENRY:
Yes, Elmer, tonight. Tonight, you will make me rich and famous. Ha ha! Yes, Elmer. In death, you will do for me what you have never done in life.

PETER:
Achoo!

MICKY:
Peter!

HENRY:
What are you boys doing here? It’s almost twelve o’clock.

MIKE:
I didn’t realize it was so late.

HENRY:
You’ve got just three minutes to get out of here before the guests arrive.

MICKY:
Oh, we’ll be out in two and a half. Right away. We’re leaving.

DAVY:
Bye now.

MIKE:
Later.

DAVY:
Oh, help me.

MICKY:
??? Elmer.

MIKE:
Hey. Wait a minute.

HENRY:
A minute’s too long. You can have thirty seconds.

MIKE:
This is our house.

HENRY:
You agreed to be out of here by twelve o’clock. It’s in the lease.

MIKE:
Oh, come on, man. Where does it say that in the lease?

HENRY:
It’s in the small print.

PETER:
He’s right. Here it is: “The tenants agree to vacate the premises from midnight to sunrise.” And here’s the date.

DAVY:
Hey, I didn’t know you could read.

PETER:
I’ve been able to read since I was fifteen years old.

HENRY:
Well? Well?

MICKY:
Well, I guess that does it, huh? Have fun with Elmer.

MIKE:
If he wants to leave, I guess we—

MILDRED:
Oh, you are not leaving, are you?

MIKE:
Well, yeah, as a matter of fact, we were—

MILDRED:
Oh, no, you can’t leave. You’ve got to be witnesses.

MICKY:
Witnesses to what?

MILDRED:
Elmer’s return from the dead.

MIKE:
Blech!

MICKY:
Uh!

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

Act Two

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
Uh, yeah. Well, look, uh, give, uh, Elmer buddy our regards, and we’ll catch you the next time around, okay? Let’s split.

MILDRED:
Don’t be disrespectful to those who have passed beyond.

MICKY:
It’s not the passing beyond that bothers us so much. It’s the coming back.

DAVY:
Oh, we were just going out for a sandwich. Weren’t we?

MIKE:
Sandwich, right!

MILDRED:
If that’s all.

DAVY:
Has it got butter on it?

MICKY:
I have to get a cup of coffee.

PETER:
Coffee, right!

MILDRED:
Ah, ah, ah.

PETER:
Well, I was about to go make a telephone call.

MIKE:
Yeah, a telephone call.

PETER:
Huh?

MILDRED:
It’s for you.

PETER:
I’ll buy it.

HENRY:
If my Aunt Mildred—mwah—wants you to witness Elmer’s return, you’ll witness it.

MICKY:
Well, I’m terribly sorry, but we do not witness any returns. It’s against all of our laws.

MIKE:
Yeah.

DAVY:
Terrible witnesses.

MICKY:
And by-laws and club laws.

MIKE:
“Don’t witness nothing.”

PETER:
No, we’re lousy witnesses.

MIKE:
No witnessing at all.

DAVY:
Let’s split.

MIKE:
Yeah.

PETER:
Get out of here.

MIKE:
Later for you.

PETER:
???

MIKE:
Ah!

MICKY:
Ah ha ha! We’ll witness. We’ll witness. We’ll witness.

MIKE:
We’ll w—we’ll witness a-anything.

DAVY:
Sure.

MIKE:
Man, we’ll be the best witnesses that you ever had, boy.

INT. COURT ROOM

MICKY:
And, so, Mr. Nesmith, you say you saw the defendant, Mr. Jones, running away from the scene of the crime?

MIKE:
Yes, I did. Yes, that’s right.

MICKY:
What do you have to say to that, Mr. Jones?

DAVY:
Yes. I mean, yes. I admit I was running, but I was running away from the real murderer: a man in a robe and a white wig.

MICKY:
Is that man in this courtroom?

DAVY:
Yes, he is. It’s the barrister Dolenz.

MICKY:
Ha, over here. Uh, over, barrister Dolenz.

PETER:
No, take it to Micky!

MICKY:
Over here. Right—no. Right here. Right here. Yes, I admit it. Ha! It was me, but I was aided by his courtship, Peter Tork.

PETER:
Sixty years of service… ruint? But I won’t take the blame alone. The real brains behind the crime was the witness: dashing, debonair Mike Nesmith.

MIKE:
I never should’ve opened my mouth.

INT. THE PAD

DAVY:
We’ll even witness things that never even happened.

MIKE:
You tell ’em, Tiny.

DAVY:
Ah ha ha.

HENRY:
I thought you’d see it my way, heh.

INT. THE PAD

MICKY:
Well, how did Elmer like the trip?

PETER:
Achoo!

MILDRED:
Ooh! Who sneezed?

MICKY:
Ah, Elmer’s coming early.

PETER:
No, Micky; it was just me.

DAVY:
He always sneezes when he gets nervous, you see.

MILDRED:
Nervous nothing. This boy needs tea; he has a cold. Come with me.

PETER:
Hm?

DAVY:
See you later, babe.

MICKY:
Bye, baby.

MIKE:
Bye, little old lady.

HENRY:
Get the bags, Boris.

DAVY:
Oh!

MIKE:
Get out of his way.

MICKY:
Well-well, is Elmer planning on staying?

HENRY:
At dawn his spirit will arrive, blow the trumpet, and leave.

DAVY:
Oh, really? You mean we don’t even have time to stay for bagels and tea?

MIKE:
W-wait a minute. What trumpet?

HENRY:
Elmer was married with a trumpet. At dawn, he will blow it to announce his arrival.

MICKY:
And our departure.

DAVY:
Woo!

MICKY:
Bye! Outta sight.

MIKE:
Holy—

MICKY:
Oh! Oh! Oh!

MIKE:
Hiya. Huh huh.

MICKY:
Fine figure of a man, isn’t he?

MIKE:
He is. Wonder if he got—hey, you got a sister?

DAVY:
Yeah, we can all three of us take her out at the same time.

MICKY:
Ha ha ha. Ha ha.

HENRY:
Boris wouldn’t like it if you boys tried to leave.

MICKY:
I mean, after all, we’re—love him. We’re gonna help him with his bags.

DAVY:
Yeah, h-h-h-here you go, Boris. Let me take that.

MICKY:
Sure, right.

MIKE:
You take it, Davy.

DAVY:
What’s in the bag?

HENRY:
Boris’s lunch.

INT. THE PAD - UPSTAIRS BEDROOM

PETER:
Gee, are you sure it’s right to force all this tea on me?

MILDRED:
Whenever you have a cold, you must always force fluids.

PETER:
Gee, I had a cousin once who had a terrible cold, and they forced about twelve gallons of this stuff on him.

MILDRED:
Oh, and what happened?

PETER:
Well, the cold got better, but he drowned.

MILDRED:
Ho ho ho ho!

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
Okay. So, at twelve o’clock midnight, magically, the coffin opens and out pops crazy dead Elmer.

HENRY:
Really?

MIKE:
Really?

HENRY:
Oh, I mean, uh, that is correct.

MIKE:
Yeah.

HENRY:
See, I am a scientist, and in order to bring people back from the dead, I have invented a magnificent pill.

MIKE:
Oh, come on. You invented aspirin?

HENRY:
Oh, that’s only in disguise.

MICKY:
Aspirin in disguise? I don’t believe it.

MIKE:
Well, I do. And I also get it. You see, he gives us the pill, and we believe that Elmer came back from the dead. We’ll also see pretty colors, things climbing up the wall—

MICKY:
Right.

MIKE:
Boy, I bet it does a lot of things.

HENRY:
I told you, I am a scientist.

MIKE:
Yeah, I know you told me.

MICKY:
A mad scientist?

HENRY:
No, but I will be if he keeps making those remarks.

MIKE:
Heh, oh.

INT. THE PAD

DAVY:
Tell me, how does it feel to be so tall? Down here. Heh heh. Oh, hello. A-heh. I used to do an act with a tall guy, uh, uh. W-we used to dance. “High Low”, we’d call it, ah huh. We had some pretty classy material too. You see, what’d happen, ah-ah I’d say “high high”, and he’d say “low, low,” you see? High, high and low, low.

BORIS:
Mm. Mm.

DAVY:
Yeah, that’s it, that’s it. High, high, low, low. See, th-then we’d do a little dance, a timed step, like this, you see? That’s it. It’s great. Then we’d turn around a little, just a little.
♪ Tea for two and two for tea ♪

BORIS:
Mm.

DAVY:
♪ Two for tea and you for me ♪

BORIS:
Mm.

DAVY:
♪ You for me, and you for me ♪

BORIS:
Mm.

DAVY:
No, no, no. You’re out of rhythm.
♪ One, a two, a three ♪

HENRY:
What are you doing? Do not interfere with my cousin Boris.

DAVY:
I’m not interfering; we’re dancing. Right?

HENRY:
No one else can control Boris. I have total influence over his mind. Boris, stop.

DAVY:
Now, listen, man, you can’t—

PETER (O.S.):
Help!

DAVY:
That’s Peter!

HENRY:
Come!

INT. THE PAD - UPSTAIRS BEDROOM

PETER:
Help!

INT. THE PAD - UPSTAIRS BEDROOM

PETER:
Help!

INT. THE PAD - UPSTAIRS BEDROOM

PETER:
Help!

INT. THE PAD - UPSTAIRS BEDROOM

MILDRED:
Now, you get back in there or you’ll get sick.

MICKY:
Right. Get him out of here.

DAVY:
Peter, come out.

MICKY:
Crazy old lady. Get him out.

MILDRED:
What are you doing?

DAVY:
You’re gonna get sick in there.

MILDRED:
My patient!

PETER:
I never thought I could get sick in good health.

MICKY:
Come on, Peter.

DAVY:
Get over here. Easy.

MICKY:
Easy, easy, baby. Easy, there.

PETER:
Oh. Heavy.

DAVY:
Uh, Mrs. Weatherspoon, I’d like to have a couple of words with you.

HENRY:
About what?

DAVY:
This is private and confidential between me and Mrs. Weatherspoon.

HENRY:
You may not speak to her. I absolutely forbid it.

MILDRED:
Oh, now, Henry. These boys are so nice, and they respond so well to treatment.

HENRY:
These boys are disbelievers. I cannot be responsible for what their disbelief might do to Elmer. It may drive him away.

DAVY:
You know, something? I thought it before, but I know for sure now. You’re a crook, you are. He’s bad. He’s a crook.

HENRY:
How dare you? Boris, get him.

DAVY:
Oh, no, but you’re a nice crook. I like crooks like you. You’re very nice.

MILDRED:
Now—

DAVY:
Now, now, now. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Now, don’t get me wrong. He’s a crook, but he’s a nice crook. Ha ha. Very nice, Boris. Steady, steady, Boris. Oh, oh. Ah! Oh! Ah, ah! Oh! Look at that, look at that, look at that.

BORIS:
Mm! Mm!

DAVY:
Beautiful! Ha ha! Wah! Oh, whoa! Help me! Ah!

MILDRED:
Boris, stop that. Now, if these gentlemen want to speak to me alone, you’ll have to leave the room.

HENRY:
Very well. You’ve always driven me away. Always. Come, Boris. Whatever they have to say to each other, I really don’t care.

DAVY:
Ooh! Ooh. Ooh, he’s big. He’s big. He’s mean. He’s mean, he is. He’s very mean.

MILDRED:
Don’t let him frighten you.

DAVY:
Listen, tell me. Let’s start from the beginning.

MILDRED:
Mm-hm.

DAVY:
Now tell me about Elmer and the pill—

INT. THE PAD - UPSTAIRS

HENRY:
Is everything prepared in the basement, Boris?

BORIS:
Mm.

HENRY:
Don’t beat around the bush. Yes or no?

BORIS:
Mm.

HENRY:
Good. Why didn’t you say so the first time?

INT. THE PAD - UPSTAIRS BEDROOM

DAVY:
Now, let’s get one thing straight. If Elmer returns tonight, you’re gonna give all your money to Henry’s foundation, right?

MILDRED:
Right.

DAVY:
It’s the only way to protect Mrs. Weatherspoon’s interest, you see? Um, okay, Henry, you can come in now.

PETER:
Now that’s what I call dropping in on somebody.

DAVY:
Now, as I was telling Mrs. Weathersp—Mrs. W—w-where’s Mrs. Weatherspoon? Excuse me, Boris, will you? Thank you.

PETER:
I—she was right here a second ago. I don’t know what happened. She—I—she—uh—

DAVY:
Uh, I’m Davy.

PETER:
You’re not Mrs. Weatherspoon.

INT. THE PAD

MICKY:
Ow! What did you do that for?

MIKE:
Mrs. Weathersp—

MILDRED:
Elmer doesn’t like to be disturbed until he’s ready.

Act Three

INT. THE PAD

MICKY:
We’d love to help you.

MILDRED:
And Elmer.

DAVY:
Oh, of course and Elmer.

MICKY:
But you gotta stop hitting us with your umbrella.

MILDRED:
Oh, yes, my umbrella. Oh, thank you. You boys are angels, just angels.

PETER:
Oh, we’re not angels. We’re—

MICKY:
Now, that’s a trip.

MILDRED:
Angels, just angels. Oh!

MICKY:
She’s a nice little old lady. You know, I’m not gonna stand here and let her see her get her money taken.

PETER:
Yeah, but if we get in—in Henry’s way, he’s gonna sic Boris on us.

MIKE:
Oh, Boris. I wanna take a look inside that coffin.

MICKY:
Yeah.

PETER:
I gotta go downstairs and get my bank book.

MIKE:
Your bank book? What do you—what do you want your bank book for?

PETER:
Well, for security.

MICKY:
Ha ha ha! Isn’t that dumb?

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
Now, I think it’s gonna be best to make a frontal attack.

MICKY:
Yes, a frontal attack is what I do best. Mike, my head is stuck. It’s stuck.

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
You ready to go in there?

MICKY:
I’m ready, baby.

MIKE:
And get that big brute.

MICKY:
I’m gonna sock it to him, baby. The triple head reverse.

MIKE:
Keep your right up. Keep your right up. Right. Alright. Keep your left a little low.

MICKY:
Left low, baby.

MIKE:
And keep your head down.

MICKY:
Head down.

MIKE:
Keep your head down. Okay.

MICKY:
I can’t see anything.

MIKE:
Not-not that low.

MICKY:
Alright, not that low.

MIKE:
Okay, you’re ready?

MICKY:
Ready.

MIKE:
Okay, you go in there and give him your famous triple reverse twist! Go!

MICKY:
??? baby. Right away Go, baby! Right! Twist! Hey! Oh, oh, it hurts. My head!

MIKE:
I’ll, uh, go see if I can think up something else.

MICKY:
Oh, my head.

MILDRED:
Oh, does your head hurt?

MICKY:
No, no, it’s fine. Yes, it hurts. It hurts.

MILDRED:
I’ll give you my famous Egyptian head banging cure.

MICKY:
Right, right, right.

MILDRED:
Hold your hands over your eyes.

MICKY:
Fine. Hands over eyes.

MILDRED:
Now stick out your feet.

MICKY:
Stick out my feet? Right. Gah!

MILDRED:
I’ll bet you’ve forgotten all about your head, haven’t you?

MICKY:
No more head, doesn’t hurt at all!

INT. THE PAD

HENRY:
You will all join hands.

PETER:
I know why everybody joins hands at a séance.

DAVY:
To make sure they have contact?

PETER:
No, ’cause they’re scared silly.

HENRY:
In a few moments, Elmer will be amongst us. You will notice a few elements will shake and rattle as he draws nearer.

MIKE:
It’s probably my teeth.

HENRY:
And now, the trumpet will blow.

MIKE:
You know something in B-flat? Ha ha ha.

MILDRED:
It’s Elmer! It’s Elmer! Oh!

MIKE:
How do you know it’s Elmer?

MILDRED:
He’s playing our song.

HENRY:
Say something to us, Elmer. Say something.

MICKY (V.O.):
I say, Henry, that you are a crook.

HENRY:
Maybe you ought to say something else.

MICKY (V.O.):
You plan to take this lady’s money and run off to South America.

HENRY:
That is a lie. I do not.

MICKY (V.O.):
To Europe?

HENRY:
No!

MICKY (V.O.):
Asia?

HENRY:
No! No!

MICKY (V.O.):
Well, you should do something with the money. You’re just gonna sit on it and rot?

HENRY:
Heh heh heh, this is ridiculous. I mean, the real Elmer was supposed to rise out of his coffin and reveal himself to us.

MICKY (V.O.):
You cheated, Henry. You tried to cheat the dead. You must pay, Henry. You must pay.

HENRY:
No! No! I confess! I mean, I confess.

MICKY (V.O.):
Confession is not enough. Try pleading and begging.

HENRY:
I’m begging. I’m pleading. Oh, don’t come near me.

MICKY:
Okay. Cool it, babe. You don’t have to make a fool of yourself.

MIKE:
Mick, what are you—

HENRY:
You interfering fools! Boris, seize them!

“Goin’ Down”

Tag

INT. THE PAD

MILDRED:
Oh. Thank you, boys.

PETER:
It was a pleasure, Ms. Weatherspoon.

MILDRED:
Oh, thank you.

PETER:
Bye.

MICKY:
Bye, Ms. Weatherspoon.

MILDRED:
Bye. Too-too.

MICKY:
There’s a nail on the floor. The door can only open so far.

PETER:
It was really great of you to help that old lady out that way.

MICKY:
Stop.

MIKE:
Totally nuts.

DAVY [on the phone]:
Hello? Yeah, he’s here. Oh, really? [to Micky] Hey, Micky, it’s the Boy Scouts. They want to offer you an officer’s commission.

MIKE:
You know, you really handled that whole thing well. I mean, the way you played the trumpets and everything. It’s groovy.

PETER:
Yeah, I didn’t—yeah, I didn’t know you could play the horn, man. You ought to do it with a group.

MICKY:
I don’t play the trumpet.

PETER:
Huh?

MICKY:
It’s the coffin!

“Daydream Believer”