“Hillbilly Honeymoon” Script

Act One

EXT. SWINEVILLE STREET

MIKE:
Uh, he-hello.

MICKY:
Quaint little town.

MIKE:
Uh, say, can, uh, can anybody tell us where, where, where highway one-oh-one is?

MICKY:
Yeah, it’s two blocks down at the end of the street here.

MIKE:
Why didn’t you say that—

JUDD WESKITT:
You better make sure you step right on that white line.

MICKY:
Why?

JUDD WESKITT:
Because.

MICKY:
Oh, I understand. Sure!

JUDD WESKITT:
Heh heh heh.

PAW CHUBBER:
I’ll kill the first Weskitt that crosses that line.

JUDD WESKITT:
I’ll shoot the first Chubber that crosses.

PETER:
Oh. Well, we’re neither Weskitts nor Chubbers.

DAVY:
No.

PETER:
I guess that lets us off the hook.

DAVY:
Yeah.

PAW CHUBBER:
We both hate strangers.

PETER:
I guess that, uh, puts us back on the hook.

MIKE:
Line. Davy, stay on the line, and follow it all the way to the end, and find some help.

DAVY:
But I’ll never see you again!

PETER:
Yes, you will.

MIKE:
How?

DAVY:
How come?

PETER:
Well, if it’s a straight line, it goes all the way around the world, and it comes back the same point here, coming back to the other side.

DAVY:
Oh, Peter.

MICKY:
Go, babe. See ya later.

PETER:
Good luck, Davy.

MIKE:
Be careful. Don’t hit the back of the car. Don’t fall into the abyss.

JUDD WESKITT:
That’s right. He better stay right on that line.

PAW CHUBBER:
That little fella better stay on the line.

MICKY:
As you notice him gallantly walking down the street, his feet never leave the white line.

PETER:
Never touch the ground.

MIKE:
So cool it.

DAVY:
Help, somebody! Come on, please. Oh! Anyone, help me? Somebody?

ELLA MAE CHUBBER:
You’re beautiful. I love you.

DAVY:
I gotta get back on the line. Please let me get back on the line! I gotta get back on that stripe, or they’ll kill me.

ELLA MAE CHUBBER:
Well, if my boyfriend finds out we’ve been sparking, he’s gonna kill you anyway.

DAVY:
But we haven’t! Oh! May I rest in peace.

ELLA MAE CHUBBER:
And if my daddy ever found out.

DAVY:
What would he say?

PAW CHUBBER:
He’d say, “Welcome to the family, son”. Hee hee hee hee. Ella Mae, looks like you got yourself a man.

DAVY:
Oh, really? Who’s the lucky guy?

PAW CHUBBER:
You is, stranger!

DAVY:
Oh. Oh no. Wait, wait, wait. Listen. You don’t understand. You don’t seem to understand it. It was all a big mistake. Whoa!

JUDD WESKITT:
So was kissing my Ella Mae.

DAVY:
I’m too young to die, and I’m too young to get married.

JUDD WESKITT:
I’ll put that on your tombstone.

DAVY:
Oh!

PAW CHUBBER:
And I’ll put that on your wedding announcement too.

DAVY:
I’m sorry. I really was walking on the line, you know? Walking, and she pulled me over there, and she pulled me in the…

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

Act Two

EXT. SWINEVILLE STREET

ELLA MAE CHUBBER:
Paw, Judd, please. Let’s not start feuding again.

DAVY:
Now the girl’s right. You ought to listen to her.

JUDD WESKITT:
I warned you, Ella Mae, I warned you to stop kissing other boys.

PAW CHUBBER:
And Judd Weskitt, I warned you to keep away from Ella Mae.

DAVY:
And I’m warning both of you! Help!

MICKY:
Who’s she?

DAVY:
Oh, she’s Ella Mae Chubber.

MICKY:
What’s going on?

DAVY:
They’re trying to kill me, these guys here.

MICKY:
Oh, cease and desist, friends and neighbors. Do not fight out at each other in anger. Lay down your arms. Pick up your arms, and fight for what’s yours!

PAW CHUBBER:
Chubbers, run for cover!

JUDD WESKITT:
Weskitts, run for cover!

MIKE:
Welcome to Swineville, Peter. A happy, sleepy, little hillbilly town where seemingly innocent, nice, naive people turn just like that to a vengeful, hateful mob.

PETER:
How do you know that?

MIKE:
’Cause these are my people.

MICKY:
Safe at last!

ELLA MAE CHUBBER:
I knew you’d come.

MICKY:
Oh, but I’m not the one.

ELLA MAE CHUBBER:
I love you, Davy.

MICKY:
But I’m Micky.

ELLA MAE CHUBBER:
I love you, Micky.

MICKY:
Well, I tried.

MAW WESKITT:
Sonny, would you help a little old lady across the street?

DAVY:
It’s a very rough way to break into the Boy Scouts, innit?

MAW WESKITT:
Sonny, I’d like to reward you for getting me out of the line of fire.

DAVY:
Oh, there’s no reason. Don’t worry. Don’t worry. Everything’s—

MAW WESKITT:
Where do you want it: in the belly or the head?

DAVY:
Oh! A multiple choice. Ooh!

JUDD WESKITT:
Oh, you’ve got him, Maw, good! He’s the one who was kissing Ella Mae. Come on, you’re coming with us.

DAVY:
Now just wait a minute. It’s the Chubbers you’ve got an argument against; I’m an innocent bystander.

MAW WESKITT:
Them’s the ones we kill first.

DAVY:
Oh, no!

PAW CHUBBER:
They’re retreating! They’re retreating! Ella Mae!

MICKY:
Come on, Ella Mae, that’s enough. No, that’s enough! Ah, now cool it. Please, Ella Mae, now cool it, because your father is going to kill—it’s enough—

PAW CHUBBER:
It’s him!

MICKY:
Oh!

PAW CHUBBER:
It’s him, my new son-in-law.

MICKY:
No, no, that’s Davy, the little English short one. Tell him, Ella Mae. It’s Davy, it’s not me. Oh, no. Tell him. Tell him, Mike!

MIKE:
That’s right. This is Micky, uh, Davy’s best friend.

MICKY:
Right. N-no, Mike, you don’t—I’m his best—but I’m not—

PAW CHUBBER:
Well, I don’t care who it is; Ella Mae’s gotta get married, because tomorrow she’ll be sixteen years old, and I don’t want nobody calling her old maid.

PETER:
Hey, look, where’s Davy?

PAW CHUBBER:
Judd Weskitt took him up to his cabin at gunpoint, but I wouldn’t fret none about him.

PETER:
Oh, how come?

PAW CHUBBER:
Because he’s probably dead by now. Move out of here! Move out of here ???! Come on, move out of here!

INT. WESKITT CABIN

DAVY:
Oh. Ooh! I’m sorry. I-I didn’t mean to touch your gun.

JUDD WESKITT:
You no account city slicker.

DAVY:
I’m not a city slicker.

JUDD WESKITT:
How much is one and one?

DAVY:
Two?

JUDD WESKITT:
That proves it, you fast talking sharpie.

DAVY:
But I’m not from the city; I’m English.

MAW WESKITT:
A danged redcoat! I knew they’d be coming back.

DAVY:
Well, well, you haven’t been at war with the British since eighteen twelve.

MAW WESKITT:
That’s the year I was born, sonny; I remember it very clear.

DAVY:
What’s kept you alive all this time?

MAW WESKITT:
Hate. Hate and vengeance.

DAVY:
You-you-you mean all this violence and hate? That-that keeps you young?

MAW WESKITT:
Sure it does. Grit your teeth.

DAVY:
Like this?

MAW WESKITT:
Snarl. Rwar!

DAVY:
Ah! Don’t do that.

MAW WESKITT:
Get mad! Get mad!

DAVY:
Ah! I’m getting mad. Uh! Vengeance, violence. Uh, uh, uh. Ooh, ooh!

MAW WESKITT:
Now relax.

DAVY:
Hey, you know, she’s right. You know, it does ease the tensions a little. I feel better. Feel better.

MAW WESKITT:
When you feel bad, find someone you hate. It clears the bloodstream. Ha ha.

JUDD WESKITT:
Oh, come on, Maw. That’s enough talk. I wanna get him in my vat. I’m gonna grind you up like so much sour mash. What do you think of that?

DAVY:
Well, I think I’d make a very nice English gin. A little dry, but you know you can’t—Ah! ??? Ooh! Ah! Oh!

INT. CHUBBER CABIN

PAW CHUBBER:
Alright, I want to hear something now. Which one of you city slickers gonna marry my daughter Ella Mae?

MIKE:
Well—I don’t know—I think you oughta—seven—

MICKY:
Peter isn’t right for her. She’s tall, taller. Sure. Yeah. Right. Sure.

MIKE:
Mm-hm.

MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
Davy.

PAW CHUBBER:
But he ain’t here. Judd took him up to his cabin, and the one who goes up to get him is liable to get shot.

MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
We’ll risk it.

PAW CHUBBER:
Well, one of you gets to go. The fuzzy one on the end.

MICKY:
Oh, it’s me.

PAW CHUBBER:
I’ll keep the other two.

ELLA MAE CHUBBER:
But, Paw, I thought one of ’em was for me.

PAW CHUBBER:
Well, which one do you want, honey?

ELLA MAE CHUBBER:
I think you’re cute.

MIKE:
So does my wife and kids. I’ll, uh, go with you.

PAW CHUBBER:
Hold it. You two wasn’t thinking on running out on me, was ya?

MIKE:
No. What, and leave our buddy Peter here?

MICKY:
It’s a thought.

PETER:
Micky!

MICKY:
Well, she’s a good looking girl.

MIKE:
Look, Peter, don’t worry. We’ll be back to get you, or we’ll die trying.

PAW CHUBBER:
That’s a distinct possibility.

INT. WESKITT CABIN

JUDD WESKITT:
You city slicker, I’m gonna put you in my boiling vat.

DAVY:
Of course, you know, we can never be friends after this. We’re through. We’re finished.

JUDD WESKITT:
I’m sorry to hear that.

MAW WESKITT:
There’s somebody out there.

DAVY:
Oh, maybe it’s the sheriff.

JUDD WESKITT:
Can’t be the sheriff; Maw’s the sheriff.

DAVY:
Oh! Ah! Ooh! You know you’ll bruise the gin.

JUDD WESKITT:
I’ll bruise the gin?

MAW WESKITT:
“Bruise the gin,” that’s pretty funny.

DAVY:
Oh, no, please. Oh! Steady, steady! Oh! Oh! Ah!

EXT. WESKITT CABIN

MIKE:
Oh, I’m just an old dirty hillbilly. Boy, I sure hope—Mick? Mick? Mick? Oh. Boy, I sure hope this works.

MICKY:
Yeah, me too.

MIKE:
Me too.

MICKY:
Hey, Judd, you in there?

MIKE:
Hey, Judd!

MICKY:
Hi, Judd!

MIKE:
Hi, Judd!

JUDD WESKITT:
Who’s you?

MIKE:
You remember your cousins Claude and Leroy?

JUDD WESKITT:
No, I don’t.

MIKE:
Do you remember your cousins Luke and Ezra?

JUDD WESKITT:
No, I don’t.

MIKE:
Do you remember your cousins Roland and Clem?

JUDD WESKITT:
Yes, I do!

MIKE:
Yep, well, that’s who we are: Roland and Clem.

JUDD WESKITT:
Whatever happened to cousins Luke, Ezra, Claude, and Leroy?

MIKE:
Well, they said say hello.

JUDD WESKITT:
Hello.

MICKY, MIKE:
Hello.

MICKY:
Brought you a pig for supper, uh, Judd.

JUDD WESKITT:
Well, the pig can eat with us, but you two get!

MAW WESKITT:
Oh, come on, Judd. That ain’t no way to treat kinfolk. Come on in, cousins! Come on in.

MICKY:
Oh!

MIKE:
Oh! Thank you, Maw.

MICKY:
You and your hospitality, Judd.

JUDD WESKITT:
Gah!

INT. CHUBBER CABIN

ELLA MAE CHUBBER:
I love you, Micky!

PETER:
I’m Peter.

ELLA MAE CHUBBER:
I love you, Peter.

PETER:
Well, I tried.

INT. WESKITT CABIN

MIKE:
A-ha, hello! Hello, uh, cousin. N—it’s a nice-nice place got here.

JUDD WESKITT:
We like it, cousin.

MIKE:
A-ha, if you’ll excuse me for a minute. Do you see anything?

MICKY:
No, just wall-to-wall dirt.

MIKE:
Wall-to-wall dirt. What-what’s-what’s in the sack?

MAW WESKITT:
Pay no mind; that’s the laundry.

MICKY:
If it’s the laundry, why is it standing up and moving?

MAW WESKITT:
Ah, well, we use a lot of starch.

MICKY:
Oh, a lot of starch.

MIKE:
That’s reasonable. Starch.

MICKY:
Starch.

JUDD WESKITT:
If you really are cousins, let me see you play your nose.

MIKE:
Well, sure, I—play my nose?

MAW WESKITT:
Yeah. I used to accompany Clem on garbage while he played his nose. Or don’t you remember?

MIKE:
Remember? Of course—oh, I remember pl—you playing the ga-garbage, and me playing—I’d play my nose now, but—

MICKY:
But—

MIKE:
I’m—it’s—

MICKY:
But—

MIKE:
My nose is… out being fixed.

MICKY:
Right!

MIKE:
Out being fixed. Yeah, my—I sent my nose out to have it fixed, and this is a cheap loaner, and I don’t—I can’t play this.

JUDD WESKITT:
I’m getting the feeling that you ain’t really our cousins.

MIKE:
You are?

JUDD WESKITT:
In fact, I’m getting the feeling you ain’t really even hillbillies.

MIKE:
Don’t kill me. I’ll play my—I’ll play this nose.

MICKY:
Sure, he’ll play the nose. Ha. Would you say this is your first nose job? Ha ha!

MIKE:
Nose, nose, nose.

MICKY:
Pig, pig, pig, pig. I’m playing the pigs.

MIKE:
What key?

MICKY:
R.

MIKE:
One, two, three, four. Nose, nose, pig, nose.

MICKY:
Pig, pig, pig, pig.

MIKE:
Nose, pig, nose.

MICKY:
Pig, pig, reeber, reeber, pig.

“Papa Gene’s Blues”

INT. WESKITT CABIN

MAW WESKITT:
Congratulations, cousins, and welcome to the family.

MICKY:
Thanks, Maw. You sure play great garbage.

JUDD WESKITT:
How did you learn to play such a good nose?

MIKE:
Hm? Well, it’s the, it’s the fingers, you see, on the nostrils. You take the two fingers of the right hand, and you place it against the nostril of the right nose. The no—the left nostril—now, Micky.

JUDD WESKITT:
How do you breathe?

MIKE:
Well, you don’t; that’s the beauty of it. Now, Micky. Micky!

MICKY:
Pig’s escaped! Prize pig’s escaped!

MAW WESKITT:
Pig’s escaped!

MICKY:
Prize pig’s escaped!

JUDD WESKITT:
I’ll get ’im, cousin.

MICKY:
Come on, the prize pig’s escaped! The prize pig—

MIKE:
Go get the pig. Go get the pig.

MICKY:
Villains are gone.

MIKE:
Yep, they split.

MICKY:
Where’s Davy?

MIKE:
In the sack.

MICKY:
Let’s go.

MIKE:
Okay.

MICKY:
Come on, Davy.

MIKE:
Okay, Davy—

MICKY:
Davy, here we go! ???

MIKE:
You’re free and back with your friends. Davy, Davy.

MICKY:
Davy?!

MIKE:
Davy’s dead.

MICKY:
Davy? Daaaavy. Oh, ho.

MIKE:
Ground up into sour mash.

MICKY:
They ground him up.

DAVY:
Hey, hey, hey! What’s the matter?

MICKY:
It’s Davy!

MIKE:
Davy Jones…

MICKY:
All been ???

DAVY:
Oh no!

MIKE:
…all ground up.

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE:
[crying]

MICKY:
What do we do now?

MIKE:
Huh? Oh, I’ve got a script. Just a second. I’ll see. It says, uh, Judd and Maw—

MICKY:
We did that.

MIKE:
—rush out. Mike and Micky free Davy.

MICKY:
That’s my line.

DAVY:
Right.

MICKY:
We’ve got to get Peter at Ella Mae’s!

DAVY:
I’m not going in there again! Was that good, dramatic? Was it good? Okay.

MICKY:
You mean you wouldn’t risk your life for Peter?

DAVY:
Well, it’s, um, it’s not that; it’s just that I thought I’d make a good bottle of gin.

MICKY:
Ha ha.

EXT. CHUBBER CABIN

MICKY:
Somehow, we’ve got to get Paw and Ella Mae out of there.

MIKE:
Sooey! Pig! Pig! Pig! Pig!

MICKY:
Sooey! Sooey! Pig! Pig! Pig! Soo—

PAW CHUBBER:
I hear somebody calling me?

DAVY:
Mike, Mike, me pants are caught on a nail.

ELLA MAE CHUBBER:
It’s him, Paw. It’s him!

DAVY:
Oh, it isn’t, Paw. It isn’t.

PAW CHUBBER:
Just a minute. Ella Mae, is here this the one I seen kissing you?

ELLA MAE CHUBBER:
Maybe; I can’t tell one from the other no more.

PAW CHUBBER:
The one I seen with my very own eyes drop to his knees.

DAVY:
I can’t drop to my knees, I can’t.

PAW CHUBBER:
Drop!

DAVY:
Oh! Oh!

PAW CHUBBER:
Now, of his own free will, repeat after me: Ella Mae, honey.

DAVY:
Ella Mae, honey.

PAW CHUBBER:
I wanna.

DAVY:
I wanna.

PAW CHUBBER:
Go ahead, go ahead.

DAVY:
I wanna, I… I wanna be
♪ Free, free, free ♪
♪ Like the blue, blue bird ♪

PAW CHUBBER:
Anybody who sings like that deserves to die.

Act Three

EXT. CHUBBER CABIN

DAVY:
No, wait! Don’t shoot, please.

MICKY, MIKE:
Davy! Davy! Davy! Davy! Davy! Davy! Oh! Davy!

DAVY:
Hiya, Mike.

PAW CHUBBER:
Come on, sonny, say it. Will you marry me?

DAVY:
Will you marry me?

MIKE:
Two million chicks madly in love with him, and he’s gonna marry an old man.

EXT. CHUBBER CABIN

MICKY:
They’re dressing Davy for the wedding.

MIKE:
In two hours, Davy will be a married man.

MICKY:
Hm.

MIKE:
We’ve got to do something.

PETER:
I’ll call a caterer.

MIKE:
No, we’ll go over to Judd Weskitt’s and save the day.

MICKY:
A-ha.

INT. CHUBBER CABIN

ELLA MAE CHUBBER:
Paw, I just think he’s beautiful.

PAW CHUBBER:
I don’t know. He still looks like a city slicker to me.

DAVY:
Why don’t you rub dirt all over me or something?

PAW CHUBBER:
Say, you’ve got a heap of sense.

DAVY:
What?

PAW CHUBBER:
You sure have. I always said you has have a heap of sense there. Ah. Ah.

ELLA MAE CHUBBER:
I like that.

PAW CHUBBER:
It ain’t bad.

DAVY:
It’s lovely, that is.

ELLA MAE CHUBBER:
Don’t kill the flower.

DAVY:
It’s all over me flower. It’s gonna die and everything here. In my mouth?

PAW CHUBBER:
Ah, that’s gonna look—now he looks a lot better, don’t he?

ELLA MAE CHUBBER:
Oh, he’s purdy.

INT. WESKTT CABIN

MICKY:
Where’s Judd?

MAW WESKITT:
Over there.

MIKE:
Where’s Judd?

MAW WESKITT:
Same place.

MIKE:
Yeah! Judd? Judd?

JUDD WESKITT:
Huh?

MIKE:
Judd. Come here.

JUDD WESKITT:
Huh? What?

MIKE:
Got to talk to you.

JUDD WESKITT:
What?

MIKE:
Listen. Ella Mae Chubber’s getting hitched.

JUDD WESKITT:
Well, what happened? Did Chubber’s horse die?

MIKE:
Did the Chubbers’ horse di—no. No, not to a wagon, man. She’s getting married.

JUDD WESKITT:
Married? Married? Where’s my gun?

MIKE:
No, no.

JUDD WESKITT:
Where’s my gun? I’ll kill him. Where is it? I’ll kill him. Who is he?

MIKE:
That’s not—that’s not—we can work it out. You take it. I’ll take it. You take it. I’ll take it. Look, Judd, if you want to be qualified for Ella Mae, you gotta treat her like a gentleman.

JUDD WESKITT:
But she’s a girl.

MICKY:
Isn’t that dumb?

MIKE:
You gotta be sweet instead of surly. You gotta be tender instead of taciturn. You gotta, you gotta be amiable instead of angry.

JUDD WESKITT:
And then what?

MIKE:
Then what? Well, you could ask yourself what ever happened to the good old Judd Weskitt.

MAW WESKITT:
Well, who’s gonna make a gentleman out of my boy in one hour?

MICKY:
Only one man in the world can do that, Maw, because he had eight marriages himself. Raybert presents, coming straight from the mountains: Uncle Raccoon!

PETER:
Someone here have trouble with a marriage?

MIKE:
That’s the wrong accent.

PETER:
Uh, someone here have trouble with a marriage?

JUDD WESKITT:
You know about marriage?

PETER:
I sure do. Here’s a picture of my present wife.

JUDD WESKITT:
That there’s a bear.

PETER:
Oh, that’s my girlfriend. This here’s my present wife.

JUDD WESKITT:
That that’s a coyote. Oh.

PETER:
Well, it gets lonesome in the hills.

JUDD WESKITT:
Oh.

INT. CHUBBER CABIN

PAW CHUBBER:
Hee hee hee hee.

DAVY:
Hey, tell me something. Why is he always doing this all the time? Spitting all over the floor and everything? That’s disgusting, that is.

INT. WESKTT CABIN

PETER:
Alright, let’s try it again. Now, what are the four qualities that a lady respects most in a gentleman?

JUDD WESKITT:
Kindness, cornsideration, affection, and a punch in the mouth.

PETER:
Well, that’s three out of four.

INT. CHUBBER CABIN

ELLA MAE CHUBBER:
Now you’re beginning to look like one of the Chubber clan: strong and silent.

DAVY:
And filthy. Look at me. Soot. Gonna get it all over, you know. Please, don’t do that. A heh.

INT. WESKTT CABIN

MICKY:
Alright, we’ll do it all over again, Judd. What is this?

JUDD WESKITT:
That is a spoon.

MICKY:
Right, Judd!

MIKE:
Spoon, yeah!

MICKY:
What do we do with it?

JUDD WESKITT:
And we eat with it.

MICKY:
Nice, Judd! What’s this, Judd?

JUDD WESKITT:
That is a fork.

MICKY, MIKE:
Fork!

MICKY:
You got it, a fork. What do we do with it?

JUDD WESKITT:
And we eat with it.

MICKY:
Right, baby. Hold it, wait, hold it. What is this, Judd?

JUDD WESKITT:
That is a knife.

MICKY:
Knife! Knife! What do we do with it?

JUDD WESKITT:
And we… stab out blindly at those who would make us eat with a fork and spoon.

MICKY:
No, Judd, no!

INT. CHUBBER CABIN

DAVY:
Listen, Ella Mae, why don’t you elope with Judd? There’s still time.

PAW CHUBBER:
Because I told her that Judd was dirty, dumb, and violent.

DAVY:
Well, nobody’s perfect. See what I mean? That spitting thing? He keeps doing it all over the f—whole floor.

INT. WESKTT CABIN

PETER:
Okay. Now, what are you gonna say to Ella Mae when you go marching into the wedding there to speak your mind?

MIKE:
Well, go ahead.

JUDD WESKITT:
Well, I’m gonna say, uh, I’m gonna say, uh, Ella Mae?

MICKY:
Yeah, Judd?

JUDD WESKITT:
Honey?

MICKY:
Yeah?

JUDD WESKITT:
I come to you a new man. I don’t want no more feuding with your kinfolk. Why, I want you to be my wife so we can join together in a life of tenderness and warmth. What do you say?

MICKY:
Buzz off, yokel.

MIKE:
Come on, it’s getting late. We better get out of here.

MICKY:
Yeah, I might be married. Duh, I mean, Ella Mae might be married.

MIKE:
Before somebody gets married.

MICKY:
Uh, duh.

INT. CHURCH

PREACHER:
Quiet down. Quiet down, everybody. My dear friends, I want to offer my sincere condolences on your great loss.

PAW CHUBBER:
What are you talking about, preacher?

PREACHER:
Oh, I’m sorry! Wrong book. I got a funeral ceremony this afternoon, three o’clock.

DAVY:
Heh heh.

INT. CHURCH

PREACHER:
And do you, Ella Mae, take this here stranger to be your lawful wedded husband?

ELLA MAE CHUBBER:
Well, it is kind of sudden—

PAW CHUBBER:
Ella Mae.

ELLA MAE CHUBBER:
I do.

PREACHER:
And do you, stranger, take this here Ella Mae to be your lawful wedded wife?

DAVY:
Well, I, uh, I—
♪ Wanna be free ♪
♪ Like the bluebird ♪

JUDD WESKITT:
Howdy, folks! Gentlemen, Judd Weskitt, come to claim his bride.

PAW CHUBBER:
I pronounce you dead and gone, Judd Weskitt.

MICKY:
Hold it, Paw. Judd and Ella Mae are getting married. We’ve been feuding in this town too long. Oh, but a little more won’t hurt at all. Go ahead.

PAW CHUBBER:
Alright, Chubbers, run for cover!

MAW WESKITT:
Weskitts, run for cover! This side!

PREACHER:
Let’s not argue. Let’s not fight. I better get out of here.

DAVY:
Ella Mae, tell me. Tell me really, who do you love the best out of all the boys?

ELLA MAE CHUBBER:
Well, I guess I love Judd the best.

DAVY:
That’s what I thought. Judd!

JUDD WESKITT:
What do you want, stranger?

DAVY:
Listen, you wait here. I’ll go and get the preacher. Here’s the ring.

JUDD WESKITT:
Why, thanks, stranger. Say, I’d sure like for you to be my best man.

DAVY:
Oh, that’s a very nice gesture, Judd.

JUDD WESKITT:
And lend me two bucks for the preacher?

DAVY:
Two bucks? How much is that in English money?

JUDD WESKITT:
Seventeen shillings, six pence.

DAVY:
Okay, I can manage that. There you are. There you go.

JUDD WESKITT:
Thanks, stranger.

DAVY:
Stay here.

PETER:
Are you with the bride or the groom?

MICKY:
It all depends who’s left.

Tag

INT. CHURCH

PREACHER:
And do you, Judd, take Ella Mae to be your lawful wedded wife?

JUDD WESKITT:
I surely do.

PREACHER:
I now pronounce you man and wife. Kiss the bride.

PAW CHUBBER:
I got you at last.

ELLA MAE CHUBBER:
But Paw, he’s my husband now.

PAW CHUBBER:
You son-in-law! Ha ha ha ha! Hold it, hold it! Stop it, everybody. Stop it, everybody. The big feud is over. The house of Chubber and the house of Weskitt has been joined.

CROWD:
[cheering]

PAW CHUBBER:
Well, go ahead and kiss! Not me, her!

JUDD WESKITT:
Ha ha!

DAVY:
Knock, knock.

MIKE:
Who’s there?

DAVY:
Wa.

MIKE:
Wa who?

DAVY:
That’s right, wahoo.

MIKE:
Wahoo.

MICKY:
Wahoo!