“Art, for Monkees’ Sake” Script

INT. THE PAD

MICKY:
Well, hello, Peter.

PETER:
Hi, Mick.

MICKY:
Oh! Bll! Oh, my head. I’m dying, I know, I’m dying.

DAVY:
Hey, that—Peter, that’s great, man. It almost looks real.

MICKY:
What are you copying doors for?

PETER:
What have you got against doors?

MICKY:
Well, my head.

DAVY:
It hit him right in the head, man.

MICKY:
Yeah.

DAVY:
That’s a stone drag.

MIKE:
Look, Peter, if you wanna go ahead and copy something, why don’t you go to the art museum? Then you can get inspired by the great painters.

INT. ART MUSEUM - GALLERY

CHUCHE:
What are you doing here?

PETER:
I’ve come here to be inspired by the great painters.

CHUCHE:
I’ll give you an inspire!

DUCE:
Why do you use your hands for? I told you not to use-a your hands. Forgive this indiscretion. Did you draw this picture?

PETER:
Yes, I did.

DUCE:
You’re a very talented boy.

PETER:
Thank you. I play bass too.

DUCE:
An artist and a musician.

CHUCHE:
We should kill ’em both.

DUCE:
What do you think this is, a pool room? This is a fancy art museum. You got to work with the finesse.

CHUCHE:
Oh. You want I should poison him?

DUCE:
Restraint, Chuche, restraint. Do you wanna steal this painting?

CHUCHE:
Ah.

DUCE:
Then we can use this boy.

CHUCHE:
Ah.

DUCE:
Now, here was a classical painting worthy of your talent. Why don’t you paint something like this?

PETER:
You’re right.

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

INT. ART MUSEUM - GALLERY

CHUCHE:
Hey, boss, I don’t get it.

DUCE:
That’s why I’m the brains of this outfit, and you’re the muscle. We’re gonna use his copy of the painting, then we make a switch.

CHUCHE:
And then what do we do?

DUCE:
Then we sell the painting and make a fortune.

CHUCHE:
And then what do we do?

DUCE:
Then we buy tickets to Europe.

CHUCHE:
Hey, that’s expensive.

DUCE:
You wanna save money? I’ll get you deported.

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
Gee, it’s late. I wonder where Peter is. Boy, I hope I didn’t insult him.

MICKY:
Well, you know, to insult somebody, they have to understand you.

MIKE:
Oh, yeah, that’s true. Well, he should be here any minute.

INT. ART MUSEUM - GALLERY

PETER:
Voilà! That’s French. It’s finished.

DUCE:
Beautiful. Beautiful. What’s with the hat? The hat’s not needed.

PETER:
It’s Mike’s hat; it’s knitted.

DUCE:
I know it’s knitted, but it’s not needed.

PETER:
How did you know it was knitted?

DUCE:
I can tell it’s knitted, but it’s not needed.

PETER:
Oh, for a minute, I thought you knew Mike.

CHUCHE:
Who’s-a Mike?

DUCE:
Shut up.

CHUCHE:
Let me belt him one, a little one.

DUCE:
This time I’m thinking about it. Hey, the curator’s coming. Let’s hide him in the basement.

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
What are we doing eating breakfast with Mr. Schneider?

DAVY:
Oh, Peter wasn’t here, and we got lonely.

MIKE:
Peter’s not—you mean he’s not back from the museum yet?

MICKY:
Maybe he’s in trouble.

DAVY:
Huh. How much trouble can you get in in a museum?

MICKY:
He’s in trouble.

DAVY:
He’s in trouble.

INT. ART MUSEUM - BASEMENT

DUCE:
What’s a matter this time? All you have to do is copy a little painting.

PETER:
I just don’t feel it.

CHUCHE:
Hey, Duce, I can make him feel it.

DUCE:
Hey, easy, Chuche, easy. Leonardo da Vinci couldn’t be rushed, you know.

PETER:
Maybe if you told me something about the painting.

DUCE:
Well, this guy, he’s a classy guy. He’s a guy who would have a lot of class, have a lot of money. The guy is a good dresser, you see. With the ruffles, with the style, this guy got a lot of style. With a big hat, he get all the girls, you understand?

INT. ART MUSEUM - GALLERY

MIKE:
Well, I checked in the exhibition room. He’s not in there.

MICKY:
He must be somewhere in this building.

MIKE:
Yeah.

DAVY:
Hey, why don’t we check the studio?

MIKE:
That’s a good idea. You check studio one, I’ll check studio two, and you check studio three.

MICKY:
Okay.

DAVY:
Okay. Excuse me.

MICKY:
Excuse me.

DAVY:
Uh, Mike.

MIKE:
This one here.

MICKY:
I gotta get over to studio four.

MIKE:
I’m gonna run right over to studio three.

MICKY:
Studio two is where I’m gonna look for Peter, because he’s lost.

INT. ART MUSEUM - BASEMENT

PETER:
There, it’s finished.

CHUCHE:
It’s finished?

PETER:
Yep. Wait. No. Wait. Wait. Wait. There is one little spot. That’s fantastic.

INT. ART MUSEUM - GALLERY

MIKE:
Hold it. Hold it.

MICKY:
For what?

DAVY:
Ah.

MIKE:
Hold it. I got an idea.

MICKY:
What?

DAVY:
What? What?

MIKE:
Why don’t I look in studio one, you look in studio three, and Davy, you look in studio two?

MICKY:
Right.

DAVY:
Ha ha.

MICKY:
Okay, right.

MIKE:
Okay.

INT. ART MUSEUM - BASEMENT

DUCE:
I’m going upstairs to look around. When he’s finished, you entertain him, eh?

PETER:
You know, that’s a very interesting pose; I’d like to work on you when I’m done here.

CHUCHE:
I’d like to work on you too.

PETER:
You would?

INT. ART MUSEUM - STUDIO 3

MICKY:
Excuse me, but I want to, uh—

ARTIST:
You want what? To be an artist? Huh. You could never be an artist; you have no beard.

MICKY:
Uh, hey, uh, don’t you ever use brushes?

ARTIST:
Brushes? A waste! A true artist must feel the painting in the canvas, in his soul.

MICKY:
Have you seen a—uh, uh, have you seen a, uh, a guy, he’s blonde, and he has blue eyes, and he’s kinda weird looking.

ARTIST:
Weird looking? Who are you to call somebody weird looking, hm? You come in here and insult me? Is it because I’m a high school dropout, hm? Get out! Get out of here! Wait a minute. That’ll be fifteen hundred dollars.

MICKY:
Wh-wh-what for?

ARTIST:
For my painting on your shirt. Someday, it’ll be worth a fortune.

INT. ART MUSEUM - BASEMENT

DUCE:
Everything’s okay upstairs. Is it finished?

PETER:
Yes, it’s finished.

CHUCHE:
Now, boss, now!

DUCE [on the phone]:
Hello?

CURATOR [on the phone]:
Is this the guard?

DUCE [on the phone]:
That’s right.

INT. ART MUSEUM - GALLERY

CURATOR [on the phone]:
Well, this is the curator. The warning bell has sounded for closing up here, and you should be here right now.

INT. ART MUSEUM - BASEMENT

DUCE [on the phone]:
We’ll be right up.

CHUCHE:
Now, boss?

DUCE:
Business before pleasure. Peter, sit down. Peter, what’s the most important thing for an artist?

PETER:
Paint.

CHUCHE:
He’s-a got a point.

PETER:
Paint.

DUCE:
Shut up! The most important thing for an artist is to suffer.

PETER:
Hey, I’m suffering already!

INT. ART MUSEUM - STUDIO 1

MIKE:
Hey, Pete, listen, have you got—

CROWD:
Shh!

INT. ART MUSEUM - GALLERY

CURATOR:
Gentlemen, gentlemen. From now on, please try to be more punctual.

DUCE:
Quick, you-you hide it in the basement. When the joint’s closed, we’ll finish the kid off.

INT. ART MUSEUM - GALLERY

MIKE:
Well, I’ve looked everywhere. He’s just not any place around.

DAVY:
Did you check the basement?

MIKE:
Oh, nobody but a fool would paint in the basement.

MICKY:
He’s in the basement.

INT. ART MUSEUM - BASEMENT

CHUCHE:
Keep suffering.

INT. ART MUSEUM - GALLERY

DUCE:
Raise the left corner a little bit. That’s too much. Raise the right one a bit. Yeah, that’s better. Yeah, that’s the one.

INT. ART MUSEUM - BASEMENT

MICKY:
Hey, Pete.

DAVY:
???

MICKY:
Peter?

DAVY:
Peter?

MICKY:
Hey, Pete.

DAVY:
Peter?

MIKE:
Have you seen Pete? Have you seen Pete?

DAVY:
Peter? Look, look, look. There’s a mummy.

MICKY:
Hey, there’s son of mummy.

DAVY:
Oh.

MIKE:
Oh, hi, Pete.

DAVY:
Hiya.

MICKY:
Peter. Peter. What are you doing over here tied up with a gag in your mouth? What’re you doing here tied up with a gag out of your mouth?

PETER:
I’m suffering for my art.

DAVY:
Suffering—oh, isn’t that nice?

MICKY:
That’s a beautiful copy, Peter.

DAVY:
Great.

PETER:
Yes, the man who painted that was brilliant.

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE:
That means they’ve switched the paintings.

INT. ART MUSEUM - GALLERY

MICKY:
Hey, look, there’s the curator.

DAVY:
We’d better tell him about the painting.

MIKE:
Uh, pardon me, Mr. Curator?

CURATOR:
Please! The museum’s closed; you’ll have to leave.

MICKY:
We can’t leave. We have to find the—

MIKE:
Guard, guard! Guard.

PETER:
Hey, Mike, Mike!

MIKE:
Uh, pardon me, you don’t know me, but I’m, oh, well, uh, look. Um, the paintings that you have here have been switched, you know, somebody’s stolen them.

PETER:
Mike?

MIKE:
I mean, stealed them.

PETER:
Mike? That’s one of the thieves.

MIKE:
Oh.

PETER:
I mean, thieven. I mean.

CHUCHE:
You double-crossed us, huh? You got some new boys.

MIKE:
Um, listen—

CURATOR:
You still here? Go away!

MICKY:
Hey, there, guard, ol’ buddy. Listen, there’s an evil, vicious, and rotten—

PETER:
Hey, Micky, that’s the other thief.

DUCE:
You copped out on us, kid. Could have made you real great.

DAVY:
Mr. Curator, excuse me, sir.

CURATOR:
Again? What do you want?

MIKE:
That painting over there is fake.

CURATOR:
Fake? Oh, nonsense, nonsense, please.

MIKE:
It’s not nonsense.

CURATOR:
No, there are the famous Frans Hals brush strokes, influenced by the Venetian period.

MIKE:
Wait, wait—

CURATOR:
Oh, nobody can emulate those. No.

DAVY:
No, you see, this painting—

MIKE:
But wait a minute, you don’t—there’s been a robbery.

CURATOR:
A robbery?

MIKE:
Absolutely.

CURATOR:
Ridiculous.

MIKE:
No, it’s not.

CURATOR:
There are too many safeguards. During the day, two guards protect it, and at night, I personally turn on the alarm. Now, the painting is surrounded with invisible beams. Only with special glasses can you see them.

PETER:
That’s peachy. What do they do?

CURATOR:
Should anybody try to remove the painting, the beams will be broken, and then no one, no matter who they are, can escape. They will be taken to jail in five seconds. Five. Mm-hm! Observe. A triumph of security! No one can steal from my prison. No one! I—! Get me my lawyer! Get me my… ah!

MIKE:
Man is totally crazy. He’s crumbling.

MICKY:
Caught like a rat in his own trap.

INT. THE PAD

DAVY:
We’ve got to do something quick.

MIKE:
What we need to do is sneak into the museum tonight and switch the paintings.

MICKY:
That curator saw us, and he’s gonna think we’re guilty.

MIKE:
Equipment.

MICKY:
Flashlight. Blow torch. Super duper X-ray glasses and three cheese on rye sandwiches.

MIKE:
Okay, men, mission: ridiculous.

EXT. ART MUSEUM - ROOF

MIKE (V.O.):
Gathering our team of experts from the four corners of the earth, we will be a task force of deadliness, efficiency, and teamwork. The Manchester Marauder.

DAVY:
Gee, thanks, Peter; I really needed that.

PETER (O.S.):
That’s okay, Davy, any time.

DAVY:
Ah!

MIKE (V.O.):
The Connecticut Counter Spy combines nerves of steel, cool eyed perception, and some fancy footwork.

DAVY:
Peter, watch the pl—well, it’s not real, anyway.

MICKY (O.S.):
Ouch!

MIKE (V.O.):
Their ability to make quick, irreversible decisions show why they were picked for this group. The modest but towering Texan needs no introduction. Hm-hm. His stoic-like ability to endure pain shows why he’s a leader among men. Last but not least is the Los Angeles Leopard, known in Peoria as the Panther Man, and somewhat hampered by low resistance to the night air.

PETER:
Quiet!

MICKY:
Sorry, man.

MIKE (V.O.):
He is the only weak link in our chain.

INT. ART MUSEUM - GALLERY

DAVY:
Peter, Peter, steady. Peter.

MICKY:
Guys, you’re supposed to get out of the way before I come down. Rweow!

DAVY:
Shh!

MICKY:
Rweow!

DAVY:
Come on.

MICKY:
Rweow!

DAVY:
Oh!

MIKE:
So there it is.

MICKY:
Rweow! Rweow!…

MIKE:
Come on.

DAVY:
It’s the picture.

MIKE:
Glasses, okay? Put the glasses on. No, you put the glasses on.

DAVY:
What do I do?

MIKE:
You look at the invisible beams. Can you see the invisible beams?

DAVY:
Yeah, yeah.

MIKE:
Groovy! Where are they?

DAVY:
Where’s—where’s the beams?

MIKE:
What are you doing?

DAVY:
Mike, where are they? Mike? Oh, here they are.

MIKE:
That thing was almost a thousand years old.

PETER:
Oh, well, thank goodness it wasn’t new.

DAVY:
Hey, Mike, Mike, I ca-I can’t see anything.

MIKE:
Well, of course not, dummy; it’s not any good for anything except an invisible ray.

DAVY:
Well, well, show me where the invisible ray is.

MIKE:
Well, it’s right—ah!

MICKY, PETER:
Ah!

MIKE:
It’s right over here.

DAVY:
Oh. Ooh, I can see it. I can see it.

MIKE:
See the invisible—no, that’s Peter. Oh.

DAVY:
No, I can see it. Right there.

MICKY:
Rweow! Easy. Easy.

PETER:
Careful.

MICKY:
Easy.

PETER:
Watch it.

DAVY:
Oh. Oh, oh.

MICKY:
Easy.

DAVY:
Ooh, ah!

???:
Shh!

DAVY:
Okay, it’s coming through, Mike.

MIKE:
Okay.

MICKY:
Okay. Easy.

DAVY:
Steady, steady, steady.

MIKE:
Oh, steady. Oh, steady.

MICKY:
Beautiful.

DAVY:
Get the other painting.

MICKY:
Get to the painting.

MIKE:
Get the other painting.

PETER:
I forgot it.

MIKE:
He forgot it.

MICKY:
He forgot it.

DAVY:
Where is it?

MICKY:
Well, where is it?

MIKE:
Where is it?

PETER:
It’s up on the roof.

MICKY:
It’s up on the roof.

MIKE:
It’s up on the roof.

DAVY:
Well, go get it!

MICKY:
Well, go get it!

MIKE:
Well, go get it!

PETER:
Okay.

MIKE:
Okay.

MICKY:
Okay!

INT. ART MUSEUM - GALLERY

MICKY:
Ah!

DAVY:
Mike.

MIKE:
Follow that guard.

DAVY:
Come on, Peter.

MICKY:
Shh! Cat burglar, cat burglar. Rweow.

INT. ART MUSEUM - GALLERY

MICKY:
That was close.

PETER:
He’s in for a lot of trouble.

MICKY:
Why, because we’re switching the paintings?

PETER:
No, because I put hot mustard on those sandwiches.

MICKY, PETER:
Ha. Ha.

INT. ART MUSEUM - GALLERY

MICKY:
He doesn’t suspect a thing. Rweow!

MIKE:
Good, we’re finished.

MICKY:
Yeah. Give him the glasses. Easy.

DAVY:
Take it easy, come on.

PETER:
Watch it. Watch it. Careful. Watch the beams. Watch the beams.

MICKY:
Easy. Easy. Easy.

PETER:
That-a-baby.

MICKY:
Ah! Let’s go.

MIKE:
Get out of here. Why did you—why did you—why did you stop? Why?

MICKY:
We have traffic coming the other way.

PETER:
Don’t they know it’s a one way rope ladder?

MICKY:
I don’t think so.

MIKE:
Who is this? What is this person? This is our ladder, sir. We were going to escape.

PETER:
Excuse us. We, uh—

MICKY:
Uh.

MIKE:
Oh. Oh, hello. Ha ha. How are you doing? Um, hi.

MICKY:
Rweow!

DUCE:
Going somewhere, gentlemen?

MIKE:
Well, uh, actually, we’d sort of had our hearts set on e-escaping, if you were—

DUCE:
Get ’em!

“Randy Scouse Git”

INT. ART MUSEUM - GALLERY

CURATOR:
And now, ladies and gentlemen, we have a classic example of seventeenth century art, The Contessa Mondrella by Flom. The toast of three continents. And over here, we have this statue of… uh, it’s a new exhibit. Ha ha. An assemblage of iron and, uh… heh heh heh, human beings. Uh, follow me.

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
♪ No heartaches felt, no longer lonely ♪
♪ Nights of waiting finally won me ♪
♪ Haaa all rolled up in you ♪
♪ And now with you as inspiration ♪

MICKY:
Peter, I am awful glad that you gave up painting.

PETER:
I got a new hobby now.

MICKY:
What’s that?

PETER:
I’m building things.

MICKY:
Oh, heh.

“Daydream Believer”