“Monkees Get out More Dirt” Script

Act One

INT. APRIL’S LAUNDROMAT

DAVY:
…never seen anything like that in me life before… I never saw anything like that…

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
[chatter]

MIKE:
Uh, hey, hey. What are you doing?

PETER:
My shirts always come back from the laundry with buttons missing!

DAVY:
Uh, Mike, Mike, uh, listen, I’m gonna get some soap.

MIKE:
Well, b-but, Peter is—

DAVY:
Um, excuse me, miss, but uh… ha… have you got…

CONQUEST:
Yes?

DAVY:
S-s-s-s-soap? Soap? Soap?

MICKY:
I gotta get some soap. Listen, do you have any so…? Soap… Soap…

DAVY:
Soap…

MICKY:
Soap…

MIKE:
What the…? What’s going on? What’s going on with you guys?

DAVY, MICKY, PETER:
Soap… soap… soap…

MIKE:
Soap? What is this, soap? … Oh!

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
Soap… soap… soap…

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

Act Two

INT. THE PAD

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
Soap… soap… soap…

MIKE:
Um, I gotta go back and get my laundry.

MICKY:
You’re wearing it.

MIKE:
Oh.

DAVY:
Well, um—

MICKY:
Uh… My aunt! Oh! I just remembered! I have a sick aunt! Oh, she’s so sick, she’s dying! I didn’t tell you my, oh, my poor aunt! Uh, I gotta go see my aunt, seven years I haven’t seen my aunt. She lives in Duluth or something or Bugscuffle. Uh, really, my sick aunt, I have to, my—I’m coming, aunt, your poor nephew is coming. Seven years, my poor aunt…

MIKE:
Um, I’m uh, gonna run down to the store and uh, buy some dog food!

DAVY:
Hey, hey, wait, wait, wait!

MIKE:
What, what, what?

DAVY:
We don’t have a dog.

MIKE:
Well, I’ll uh, I’ll run down to the store and pick up a dog, too. Huh huh. Dogs are nice, y’know, you can pet ’em, and uh, and love ’em, and take fleas off of ’em, and put fleas back on ’em, and uh, besides that, dogs play with cats, and… and we don’t have a cat either… um, uh, bye!

PETER:
He’…

DAVY:
A dog?

PETER:
Men?

DAVY:
You know? You know I think I’d like to be?

PETER:
Hm?

DAVY:
I think I’d like to be a boxer. Fighting three at a time, sometimes four, pow, pow, pow! Uh! You know what a boxer has to do a lot of though?

PETER:
What?

DAVY:
Road work.

PETER:
Gee… Micky’s gone to see his aunt, and Mike’s gone out to get dog food, and Davy’s doing road work… I’m all alone, I… I think I’ll go see April!

INT. APRIL’S LAUNDROMAT

CONQUEST:
Hello!

DAVY:
Oh, hello!

CONQUEST:
Can I help you?

DAVY:
Well, I-I was just running by and I, I thought I’d um…

CONQUEST:
Yes?

DAVY:
Wh-wh-what are you doing?

CONQUEST:
That’s for my postgraduate studies.

DAVY:
Oh?

CONQUEST:
I’m an alumnus at the laundromatic institute of San Radu. I majored… in laundry science.

DAVY:
Oh, really?

CONQUEST:
Yeah.

DAVY:
Huh. You should do well in that business.

CONQUEST:
Well, you may not realize it, but laundry is a science. Like astronomy, physics…

MIKE:
What are you doing here?

DAVY:
April and I are having a private conversation about laundering science. It’s a science, you know!

MIKE:
Yeah?

DAVY:
Yeah, that’s right; it’s like astrology. What are you doing here?

MIKE:
Huh? What am I—? Well, um, well, I thought uh, come down and-and-and-and-and see another commercial. Ha ha! What’s that?

CONQUEST:
I’m working on my doctor’s thesis.

MIKE:
Oh. Why can’t your doctor work on his own thesis?

DAVY:
What, what are you doing here?

MIKE:
Yeah, what are you do-uh-doing here?

MICKY:
Uh? Oh. I was passing by, I thought I’d come in and see my old lint. Uh lant. Aunt!

DAVY:
Uh, why, why don’t you tell us more about laundering, April?

CONQUEST:
Well, do you realize that all over the world, there’s a great reservoir of untapped dirt.

DAVY:
You know, there’s a touch of poet in her.

MIKE:
Uh-huh.

CONQUEST:
Well, how do we conquer that brave new world of dirt? I’ll tell you. The answer is… the washing machine!

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
Don’t you think she’s a little tall for you?

DAVY:
Well, she didn’t seem to mind.

MIKE:
Yeah, well, she wouldn’t mind; she didn’t know you’re alive.

MICKY:
Hey, come on, come on, guys, before we say something we’re gonna regret.

SISTERS:
Hello. This is Doctor Lorene Sisters again. Answering your questions about love and family problems. Bringing the cool light of reason into your messy little lives.

PETER:
She has the touch of the poet.

MICKY:
What are we watching this for, man?

MIKE:
Will you be quiet? Maybe we’ll learn something.

SISTERS:
And now for our first letter. “Dear Doctor Sisters, what is the best way to win the girl you love? Signed, Anguished.” My dear Anguished, the fastest way to a woman’s heart is through her mind.

DAVY:
You know, I would never have thought of that route.

SISTERS:
If you really want to win the girl you love, find out what kind of man she likes, and then be that man.

EXT. THE PAD

DAVY:
Uh, hello. Uh, Mrs. Conquest? Um, this is uh, David Armstrong Jones of the British BBC. Uh heh. That stands for Better Be Clean.

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
Uh, hello, Miss April Conquest? [clears throat] Yes, well, hello there. Uh this is Doctor Frigmund Fried. Freed. Yeah, Freed. And uh, I’m with the University of Heidelberg, and I… Heidelberg, Germany.

EXT. PHONE POLE

PETER:
Hello, Miss Mifflin? Uh, yeah, listen, you’re April Conquest’s neighbor, and I called to find out about any hobbies she’s got.

INT. THE PAD

MICKY:
Hi. This is tele—a telephone quiz from station M.O.T.

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
Uh, I was uh, doing a little research here on women, and since you’re a woman, [whistles] are you ever a woman. No, I didn’t hang up… I… sorta got hung up.

EXT. PHONE POLE

PETER:
Well, can’t you think of any hobbies?

EXT. THE PAD

DAVY:
We’re doing a case study on American laundering habits.

INT. THE PAD

MICKY:
If you answer the question correctly, you get a, a free gift course for, in any field you choose, to make your future husband the very way you want him.

EXT. PHONE POLE

PETER:
Well, what did she do last night?

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
I was doing a little research, I wondered if you could answer me a few questions.

EXT. THE PAD

DAVY:
I-I’d like to know what hobbies your daughter April has.

EXT. PHONE POLE

PETER:
Uh-huh, some people came over, uh, carrying violins and a cello, and they sat around a house, and the four of them played music for six hours. Uh-huh.

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
What would you like a man to do that you find, you know, the most interesting? Besides the laundry.

INT. THE PAD

MICKY:
Ballet?

EXT. THE PAD

DAVY:
Pop art?

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
Mo-motorcycling?

EXT. PHONE POLE

PETER:
No hobbies?

INT. THE PAD

MICKY:
Oh no, no, heh, I think ballet’s great for a future husband.

EXT. THE PAD

DAVY:
Oh yes, it is true. Oh, it’s terribly true; England does swing like a pendulum do.

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
Uh, danke schoen there, um, um, bye.

EXT. PHONE POLE

PETER:
Thank you, bye.

INT. THE PAD

MICKY:
Thank you.—Wait!

INT. APRIL’S LAUNDROMAT

CONQUEST:
Yes. … What are you doing?

DAVY:
This wall! This wall is the place where I’ll paint my next mural!

CONQUEST:
Davy! Are you an artist?

DAVY:
Do fish swim? … May I?

CONQUEST:
Oh, yes. … Beautiful.

DAVY:
Wait!

CONQUEST:
Oh! … You like chamber music?

PETER:
Do fish swim?

CONQUEST:
Oh!

PETER:
Any requests?

DAVY:
Oh, April, April!

CONQUEST:
Micky! Do you dance ballet?

MICKY:
Do fish swim?

DAVY:
How did he do that?

MICKY:
A man in love has the strength of thousands!

DAVY:
April, April! April! It’s me, David, what are you doing with him?

MIKE:
Hey, baby!

CONQUEST:
Oh, Mike! You ride a bike!

MIKE:
That’s right, baby. And fish can swim. Watch this.

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

DAVY:
April, April! April, please! … April?

CONQUEST:
You’re mad! You’re mad! Oh, I love you all!

DAVY:
April, come here.

CONQUEST:
Davy!

DAVY:
Do you want to have a go? It’s lovely.

MICKY:
Watch out, watch out!

DAVY:
Mike! Micky! Micky, are you alright?

MICKY:
My arm, my leg, my arm, my h…

PETER:
You got—

DAVY:
What you do to the bike, man?

MICKY:
My bike?! My arm, my head, my leg, my—ouch—my toe…

CONQUEST:
Oh!

PETER:
Micky!

DAVY:
Mike! Are you alright, Mike? How’s your head?

MIKE:
I’m fine, I feel wonderful, I’ve never felt better in my life.

CONQUEST:
Oh, I love them all!

DAVY:
Micky, are these yours?

CONQUEST:
Oh!

Act Three

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
You know, it’s stupid, four guys mooning over the same girl.

PETER:
She’s lovely.

DAVY:
Delightful.

MICKY:
With a richer, longer, everlasting charm.

DAVY:
You know, I wonder what it would be like going through life with a girl like that.

“The Girl I Knew Somewhere”

MIKE:
Alright, look, let’s be grown up about this whole thing. Sure, we, we like the same chick. But there’s no reason to let it ruin our friendship, right?

DAVY:
Right.

MICKY:
Right.

PETER:
Right.

PETER:
Four equal parts—that’s a joke.

MICKY:
What are you griping about? You got the TV.

PETER:
Yeah, but you have the ice box.

MICKY:
Oh yeah? Big deal! I’d gladly trade Davy for the front door.

DAVY:
Huh. No deal. But I’ll gladly trade Mike for the bathroom right away.

PETER:
Well, I think I’m gonna watch TV.

SISTERS:
Our next letter is from Tormented.

PETER:
Hey! That’s me! Tormented! Get out of my area!

MIKE:
Oh, shut up.

SISTERS:
It reads, “Dear Doctor Sisters, my three friends and I are all in love with the same girl. These friends are very dear to me, and I wouldn’t want to lose them for the world.”

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE:
Yay!

DAVY:
Right!

SISTERS:
“So my question is, what can I do to cut them out?”

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE:
Booooo!

SISTERS:
Tormented, you say in the rest of your heartbreaking and ungrammatical letter that you boys have made this girl fond of each of you by taking on interests she likes.

DAVY:
That’s right, what of it?

SISTERS:
I’ll tell you what of it! You’ve placed this girl in a dangerously emotional state. She’s now drawn to four different boys, and this unresolved conflict could lead to a nervous collapse.

MICKY:
You gotta be kidding!

SISTERS:
Do I look like a kidder?

DAVY:
That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard!

SISTERS:
Oh is it? I have here in my hand another letter from a girl telling how she is in love with four boys; it’s signed Miss Laundromat.

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
Laundromat?

SISTERS:
Yes, Laundromat. And she tells in this letter that’s she’s so close to a nervous collapse that she’s too nervous to even write this letter.

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
That’s nervous.

SISTERS:
And don’t forget collapse.

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
Collapse!?

EXT. APRIL’S LAUNDROMAT

MICKY:
Let’s put it to her directly and let April make up her own mind, man. … She’s—she’s sick, it’s a nervous breakdown, she had the collapse!

PETER:
It’s our fault.

MICKY:
It’s all our fault!

MIKE:
Wait a minute, wait a minute, hold it, hold it! Gotta stay cool and think. Look, Saturday is April’s biggest day, right?

DAVY:
Right.

MIKE:
And, and if she’s closed today, she may go out of business.

DAVY:
Well, maybe we oughta start by getting out of the confusion of the, of loving the four of us.

PETER:
Right.

MICKY:
Right, yeah. Hey, we gotta choose for it. Okay.

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
One, two, three!

PETER:
I lost.

MICKY:
No, Peter, you won.

PETER:
I did?

MIKE:
Peter, you stay here and go in, and the three of us will go over to April’s house, and when we get back, she’ll be all yours.

PETER:
All of her?

DAVY:
Hey, I think we chose the wrong guy.

MICKY:
Let’s make it two out of three, heh.

MIKE:
Come on, will ya please?

PETER:
Hey! Wait, wait! How do I get in if the door’s locked?

MICKY:
Peter, you can’t expect the writers to know everything. Improvise!

INT. CONQUEST HOUSE

DAVY:
And Peter gets this?

MICKY:
Let’s, let’s, uh, make it two out of three.

DAVY:
Yes!

MIKE:
Oh, come on, you guys. Don’t you know what it’s like to be a good loser?

MICKY:
Uh-huh. It makes me sick to my stomach.

MIKE:
Shh! She’s waking up!

CONQUEST:
Oh. Davy. Micky. Mike.

MIKE:
Hi, hi April.

MICKY:
Hi.

DAVY:
Hi.

CONQUEST:
What are you doing here?

DAVY:
Y-y-your mother said it’d be okay if-if-if we came over here, and we tried to cheer you up or something, you know.

CONQUEST:
Davy?

DAVY:
Yes?

CONQUEST:
We’ll paint together soon, won’t we?

DAVY:
Oh yeah, we’re gonna be painting all the time, yeah—No, no, we’re not gonna paint. Painting’s a drag. It’s a drag. The paint gets up your nostrils and your toenails and your ear. No. You’re better off with Peter.

CONQUEST:
Oh. Micky, have you been to the ballet lately?

MICKY:
The ba-ba…? Oh, no, ballet, yeck! Bleh! Dancing on your toes, ah, that’s ridiculous. No, I’m a tree surgeon now, but I don’t make any house calls, so you’re better off with Peter.

CONQUEST:
Mike! Don’t tell me… you’ve given up motorcycles?

MIKE:
Given ’em up? Huh, are you kidding? Of course I’ve given ’em up. They’re horrible. No, I, I’ve taken up skydiving.

CONQUEST:
Oh! Oh!

MIKE:
You like that? Uh, but um, I’m, I’ve got uh, one, one problem. You see, I’m uh, I’m afraid of airplanes. Oh, afraid, and I don’t, I can’t dive in the sky, so I use my living room, and the parachute gets on the couch and the b—lamp, and it’s a drag, and you wouldn’t want to do that, and you’d be better off with Peter.

CONQUEST:
Oh! I feel better already. Where is Peter?

INT. APRIL’S LAUNDROMAT

PETER:
Ladies, ladies, I’m sorry, we will not be responsible for loss or damage. Ladies, please! What’d I ever do?

MAN WITH PAPER:
It shrunk! It shrunk!

PETER:
Cannot be responsible for loss or damage!

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE:
Hold it, hold it, wait, wait!

DAVY:
Wait, wait, wait!

CONQUEST:
Oh Peter, Peter, Peeeter! How can I ever thank you?

PETER:
That’ll do for a start.

Tag

INT. THE PAD

DAVY:
To think, we gave her to him!

MICKY:
Let’s do a two out of three.

PETER:
You guys can be like brothers to her.

MICKY:
Thanks.

PETER:
’Course, I’d hate to think she came to me on the rebound.

MIKE:
Well, you can uh, just sort of think of this time as being the bound.

PETER:
Ha ha ha ha. That must be April.

CONQUEST:
Peter!

PETER:
Hi April, come on in.

CONQUEST:
Good evening. Oh, no, I’m sorry, I can’t stay. I’ve had the most exciting day!

PETER:
Oh?

CONQUEST:
Yes. I want you to meet my fiancé. This is Freddy Fox the third.

FREDDY FOX III:
Hi babies, how you doing? Yeah! Isn’t she just too much, man? Look at that! Ooh!

CONQUEST:
I never met a singer before!

FREDDY FOX III:
Oh, come on, April, let’s split outta here, man, ooh!

DAVY:
April is the cruelest month.

MIKE:
Well, I guess it just goes to prove to what Shakespeare said, to thine own self be true, and it must follow as the night the—

MICKY:
Please! No morals!

PETER:
[sniffles]

MIKE:
C’mon Peter, you gotta learn to be a good loser.

PETER:
[cries]

MICKY:
That’s a good loser.

PETER:
We all loved her! And now will none of us find any happiness?!

MIKE:
Come in!

GIRL:
Hi, we’re your new neighbors. Can you tell us where to find a laundromat?

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four.