“Captain Crocodile” Script

Act One

INT. CAPTAIN SET

NEEDLEMAN:
One minute to air? One minute to air! One minute to air! One minute to air! One minute and air! One minute to air, Captain.

CAPTAIN:
How do I look, Howard?

NEEDLEMAN:
Oh, beautiful, beautiful.

CAPTAIN:
Don’t lie to me, Howard.

MICKY:
Hey, look out, guys.

PETER:
Hold it.

MICKY:
So this is the world of television.

PETER:
Well, that’s funny; it doesn’t look like a vast wasteland.

NEEDLEMAN:
One minute to air! One minute to air!

MIKE:
Um, excuse me. Uh, we’re The Monkees, and we’re supposed to be on the show.

NEEDLEMAN:
Just wait right here. The Monkees are here now, Captain.

CAPTAIN:
Oh, very good. Very good. Well, so, uh, you’re The Monkees.

DAVY:
Yeah, we-we’re gonna sing on your TV show.

CAPTAIN:
Oh, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. Quick, Howard. Show them, show them where to stand.

NEEDLEMAN:
Alright, this way. Come on, boys. Come on, quickly. Alright, you stand right there, right there, beautiful, beautiful.

DAVY:
Uh, uh, just a minute. What’s our music cue?

MICKY:
I—hey, what is this?

PETER:
What is this? Insulation?

MICKY:
We’re supposed to be playing—

MIKE:
Don’t-don’t hurt my hat! Don’t hurt it.

MICKY:
I can’t play my drums. I got to have a, uh—

PETER:
What’s going on here?

CAPTAIN:
Are they all set?

NEEDLEMAN:
Oh, yes, Captain.

CAPTAIN:
So the Monkees want to work on my show, huh? We’ll see about that.

NEEDLEMAN:
Please, kiddies, settle down. No! Over here.

STAGE MANAGER:
Five, four…

CAPTAIN:
Will somebody keep those rotten kids—yuh, huh, hi there, kids! It’s Captain Crocodile time!

KIDS:
Yay!

CAPTAIN:
Brrp! Brrp! Brrp! Oh-ho! Hhh! Ha ha! And that means it’s time for fun!

NEEDLEMAN, KIDS:
Fun!

CAPTAIN:
And fun!

NEEDLEMAN, KIDS:
Fun!

CAPTAIN:
And fun!

NEEDLEMAN, KIDS:
Fun!

CAPTAIN:
And fun!

NEEDLEMAN, KIDS:
Fun!

CAPTAIN:
Ha ha ha ha! It’s fun!

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

Act Two

INT. PINTER’S OFFICE - RECEPTION

MIKE:
Um, uh, hello. We’re The Monkees, and, uh, we got a telegram from Mr. Pinter that, uh, he wanted to see us.

SECRETARY:
May I see the wire?

MIKE:
No, Peter, not that wire.

PETER:
It’s gone!

DAVY:
Peter, here it is. That’s the wire.

SECRETARY:
I’ll tell Mr. Pinter you’re here. Wait here a moment, please.

MICKY:
This guy must be important. Man, we’re on the road to success.

MIKE:
Yeah, we’re almost at the heights.

DAVY:
We’re nearly at the top of the heap.

PETER:
It’s all downhill from here.

SECRETARY:
Mr. Pinter will see you now.

INT. PINTER’S OFFICE

PINTER:
Come in, come in. I’m Junior Pinter. I’m in charge of The Captain Crocodile Show.

MIKE:
You’ve got to be putting us on.

PINTER:
You think I’m short?

MIKE:
Well, uh, no. Where’d you get that idea?

PINTER:
From people who are taller than I am.

DAVY:
You know, I think he’s quite tall meself.

MICKY:
You would.

PINTER:
Take a seat, gentlemen.

MICKY:
Take a seat. Alrighty. Here I go taking—

MIKE:
What are you—hey. Take two; they’re small.

MICKY:
Oh.

MIKE:
Put it down. It’s a little toy office. Ha ha ha.

DAVY:
I think it’s nice.

MIKE:
Yeah.

PINTER:
Gentlemen.

PETER:
What, no cookies?

MICKY:
No, uh. We’re on the milk wagon.

PINTER:
Gentlemen.

MIKE:
Thanks, I needed that.

PINTER:
Alright, we’re all men here, so I guess I can come right to the point.

MIKE:
What’s that?

PINTER:
Uh, uh, this helps me think. Men, I have a proposition for you.

MICKY:
Oh, really? Hey.

MIKE:
What?

PINTER:
I would like you to appear on television on a regular basis.

DAVY:
Oh, that’s fine, thank you.

PINTER:
On The Captain Crocodile Show.

MICKY:
Bye!

PINTER:
Wait a minute. What’s wrong with The Captain Crocodile Show?

MIKE:
Well, nothing, if you like a pie in your face.

PINTER:
Wait a minute. I’ll call the president of the network. [on the phone] Get me Australia. Hello, Sydney?

MICKY:
Man, it takes me ten minutes to get a dial tone.

PINTER:
Let me speak to daddy.

DAVY:
Did he say “daddy”?

PINTER:
Daddy? Junior. Remember that show you gave me for my birthday? The Monkees refuse to appear on it. Right, dad. I’ll handle it like a real executive. And, dad, don’t forget to bring me my panda bear. [hangs up] Men, I guarantee there will be no more pies in the face, and you will sing. Alright?

MICKY:
Hey, great. Yeah, fine.

DAVY:
Oh, terrific.

PINTER:
Now, let’s play hide and seek. I’m it. One, two, three, four, five…

MIKE:
Eh.

DAVY:
He’s it?

PINTER:
…six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven…

PETER:
Who’s hide?

MICKY:
You Hyde; I’m Jekyll.

PINTER:
…twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen…

INT. NEEDLEMAN’S OFFICE

NEEDLEMAN:
Hello out there, all you small folks. This is your buddy, Captain Crocodile—

CAPTAIN:
Quick, Howard, help me!

KIDS:
Captain Crocodile! Captain Crocodile!

CAPTAIN:
Howard, I want you to look at this memo from Junior. Look at that, Howard. They’re easing me out.

NEEDLEMAN:
No! No, they can’t ease you out, Captain.

CAPTAIN:
Oh, you mark my words.

NEEDLEMAN:
You’re a living legend!

CAPTAIN:
No, mark my words, Howard; they’re gonna ease me out. I look tired. Well, they’ll be sorry they ever tangled with Captain Crocodile. Listen to this, Howard. When The Monkees first show, hear me good, this is what we’re gonna do. This is gonna be good, Howard. Laugh it up. Ha ha ha ha. You see, I’m laughing already.

INT. CAPTAIN SET

CAPTAIN:
Okay, okay, we only got a few minutes to air time. Now, there’s one thing that’s very important. Micky, come here. You gotta learn how to work to the right camera. You gotta play it, right? Stand right over here.

MICKY:
Huh? What?

CAPTAIN:
We’ll have a dry run. Just stand there.

MICKY:
Um.

CAPTAIN:
Here he is, kids, Micky Dolenz! You’re on.

MICKY:
Hi, kids, huh, I was born in Los—

CAPTAIN:
No, no, over here.

MICKY:
Oh, I was born in Los Angeles, and I came, uh—

CAPTAIN:
No, over here. Over this way.

MICKY:
And I studied at the San—

CAPTAIN:
Now watch the light.

MICKY:
I went to, uh, Grant High School, and hi k—everybody at Grant High.

CAPTAIN:
Number two.

MICKY:
And I went to… over here?

CAPTAIN:
???

MICKY:
I always wanted to be a drummer since I was a little—

CAPTAIN:
No, over there.

MICKY:
A little—

CAPTAIN:
Over here.

MICKY:
Uh, kid, I wanted to play the drums, and so I got a—oh.

CAPTAIN:
Pick up your drumsticks!

MICKY:
Got my—I p—

CAPTAIN:
Yeah, that’s right. You’re doing fine. Keep talking!

MICKY:
Um.

CAPTAIN:
The light, the light, look at the light!

MICKY:
The other camera?

CAPTAIN:
Over that way.

MICKY:
The red light’s on that one.

CAPTAIN:
Back up.

MICKY:
Huh?

CAPTAIN:
No, come closer. You’re too far away.

MICKY:
Closer?

CAPTAIN:
No, no, back forward. You’re too close! Get back! Move back! No, no, no. Stay right there. Move-a this way. Good, good. Cut! Cut!

MICKY:
[stuttering]

CAPTAIN:
Very good. The important thing is, you were relaxed.

INT. CAPTAIN SET

CAPTAIN:
Hi, kids. Well, it’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for; The Monkees are gonna sing for you. And now, here they are: The Monkees!

KIDS:
Yay!

CAPTAIN:
And now let’s pay a visit to the Captain’s birthday house. Hee hee! Heh!

INT. CAPTAIN SET

CAPTAIN:
And now, here they are again, that wonderful fun group: The Monkees!

KIDS:
Yay!

MIKE:
One!

DAVY:
Two, three!

CAPTAIN:
Thank you, boys.

INT. CAPTAIN SET

CAPTAIN:
Now here they are again, back to entertain you, hee-hee hee-hee: The Monkees!

KIDS:
Yay!

INT. CAPTAIN SET

CAPTAIN:
And once again, we present: The Monkees!

KIDS:
Yay!

MIKE:
One, two, one, two, three and—

INT. CAPTAIN SET

MIKE:
Hey, come here. Listen. Either you let us play or we quit.

CAPTAIN:
Who’s stopping you? Go ahead and play. Play all you want. Hm hm hm hm!

“Valleri”

MIKE:
Well, that was it. How did it go? How did it go? How did it go?

STAGE MANAGER:
How did what go? We’ve been off the air for five minutes.

Act Three

INT. CAPTAIN SET

MIKE:
Oh, come on, Pete. Don’t cry.

PETER:
But we were gonna be a big success on television.

MICKY:
Hey, come on, Pete, man. There’s other shows besides Captain Crocodile, right, huh?

MIKE:
Sure.

DAVY:
Sure, we can be a hit on some other show.

PETER:
You really think so?

DAVY:
Sure! Now, just imagine…

INT. CAPTAIN SET

MIKE:
Good evening, this is Chett Hinkley.

MICKY:
And David Bruntley.

PETER:
And Brett Chinkley.

DAVY:
And Chuck Hankley.

MIKE:
And this is Dank Barkley.

MICKY:
And Chuck Weekly.

PETER:
And Choller Walltight.

DAVY:
And Hank Chuckley.

MIKE:
And this is John Smith.

MICKY:
And… John Smith?

PETER:
Now here’s your weather forecaster, Tex Nesmith.

MIKE:
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am Tex Nesmith. I’m your weather forecaster. United States Weather Bureau today from Washington, D.C., reports that a northern wind and northern squall storm is building up just south of our, north of our hometown, hm hm, and it will be coming down here about three thirty this afternoon. However, our latest reports indicate that the storm has been quelled by a southern high pressure front arising from the Gulf of Mexico. So today should be sunny and bright and clear. Now, the Gulf of Mexico weather report here today says that the day will be beautiful and clear and sunshiny and cloudy. So pack it up with your friends and take a drive and go anywhere you want to go. So remember, this is Tex Nesmith saying have a wonderful weekend. Enjoy yourself. Everything will be bright and sunny and clear.

MIKE:
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I’m Mike Nesmith, and on my left is the delightful and charming personality David Jones.

DAVY:
Thank you, Mike.

MIKE:
No sweat.

DAVY:
And on my left is the charming and delightful Peter Tork.

PETER:
Thank you, David. And on my charming and delightful is the left moderator, Micky Dolenz.

MICKY:
Thank you, my charming panel. And now let’s play What’s My Scene? Will our first contestant enter and sign in please? This game isn’t any fun. Let’s play To Tell a Fib.

MIKE:
My name is David Jones.

DAVY:
My name is David Jones.

PETER:
My name is David Jones.

MICKY:
Will the real David Jones please stand up?

DAVY:
I am standing up.

MICKY:
Hey, the caper’s perfect.

MIKE:
It’s almost foolproof.

MICKY:
Ah, it’s almost foolproof.

MIKE:
Yeah, well, I don’t think we have any—huh? Oh, yeah! Ain’t nobody gonna stop us now.

PETER:
No one except Frogman.

DAVY:
And Reuben the Tadpole.

PETER:
Don’t you think we oughta ruin some furniture?

MIKE:
Oh, the furnit—you mean chairs and stuff?

PETER:
Yeah, the, uh—

MIKE:
Oh, okay. Sure.

PETER:
All ready?

MIKE:
Yes.

PETER:
Kretch?

DAVY:
Holy frogs’ legs! That really makes me mad.

PETER:
Thus shall it ever be when men of evil oppose the forces of goodness and sweetness and niceness. Crime does not—

DAVY:
Not pay.

PETER:
That’s my line.

DAVY:
That’s my line.

PETER:
Crime does not—

DAVY:
Crime does not pay.

PETER:
No, it’s my line.

DAVY:
In the script, it said it’s my line.

PETER:
My line, man.

DAVY:
Crime—

PETER:
Crime does not—

DAVY:
Do that once more.

PETER:
Crime does not—crime—

DAVY:
That’s what I said, folks; crime doesn’t pay.

INT. NEEDLEMAN’S OFFICE

CAPTAIN:
Those Monkees are gonna take over my audience, and the network, the network, Howard, is going to ease me out. Unless…

NEEDLEMAN:
Yes, Captain?

CAPTAIN:
Evil thoughts, Howard. Nasty, evil thoughts.

INT. PINTER’S OFFICE

PINTER:
Men, the station has received twenty-seven letters from people who hate you.

MIKE:
All those people hate us?

MICKY:
They’re all in crayon.

PINTER:
The programming chief, J.J. Pontoon, has called a special meeting today to discuss the problem.

MIKE:
“Arrogant egomaniacs.”

MICKY:
“Long-haired weirdos”?

DAVY:
“Loathsome teenagers.”

PETER:
“Delightful and well-bred.”

PINTER:
Who wrote that?

PETER:
My mother.

INT. PONTOON’S OFFICE

PONTOON:
Now, gentlemen, the purpose of today’s meeting is to decide whether the Monkees should continue to appear on The Captain Crocodile Show. So, let’s run it up the antenna and check the reception.

MICKY:
Good morning, good morning, good morning, good morning, good morning, good morning, gentlemen. How are you? Good morning. I’m from the Nelson Polling Service. Since you’ve had The Monkees on the Crocodile Show, your ratings have risen forty-five percent with a sixty-two share of two hundred scale of thirty-two point six coverage of the three to fourteen year old age bracket. That’s adjusting for the forty-three percentile sweep of the thirty city sector. Know what that means? I’ll tell you what it means. It means that thirty-six million people are watching The Monkees. We can tell from our sampling.

PONTOON:
How many people were in your sampling?

MICKY:
Fourteen. Uh.

PONTOON:
Fourteen?

MICKY:
Well, thirteen’s an unlucky number.

MIKE:
Hello. I’m the kindly little old building janitor, and I just wanted to tell you that I’ve got twelve grandchildren at home, and they all watch the show just because The Monkees is on it.

CAPTAIN:
This is ridiculous.

PONTOON:
Let the man speak. Now, before the Monkees appeared, did your grandchildren ever watch the show?

MIKE:
Oh, no, no. I’ve seen it once. I ’member seeing it well. I watched it for about five minutes, then I thought to myself, “Why am I sitting here watching this show when I could be out cleaning garbage cans?”

CAPTAIN:
Garbage cans. It’s ridiculous. Just ridiculous. Well, what does the opinion of an old man mean? It’s the kids we want, isn’t it? Th-that’s what’s most important in here is what the kids want. Right? Heh heh.

DAVY:
Oh, hello, hello. Hi. I like The Monkees, and if you take ’em off the air, I’m gonna hold my breath ’til my face turns blue.

PINTER:
So will I!

PONTOON:
Junior!

PETER:
If The Monkees goes off the air, I’ll never eat my vegetables again. I love The Monkees! I don’t want you to take The Monkees away. I love The Monkees!

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
[chattering]

PONTOON:
Silence! Gentlemen, please. Will you please clear the room? And the executive committee will have made a decision by this afternoon.

INT. CAPTAIN SET

CAPTAIN:
We haven’t got much time, Howard. Call the Crocodile Corps. Hi kids. Who do you love the most?

KIDS:
Captain Crocodile!

CAPTAIN:
Would you do anything for the Captain?

KIDS:
Anything!

CAPTAIN:
Even though it’s dirty and rotten?

KIDS:
Yes!

CAPTAIN:
Well, then get The Monkees. Sic ’em! Sic ’em!

KIDS:
Yay!

“Your Auntie Grizelda”

INT. CAPTAIN SET

MICKY:
Wait, wait, wait! Would you like to hear a story?

KIDS:
Yeah!

MICKY:
I-I got a story here.

MIKE:
Bu-but that’s a dictionary.

MICKY:
Shh! Uh, we’ll hear a story now. Ready, kids? Uh, let’s see here. All sit down there. And, uh, great. Ha ha. Well, ha, here’s the story. Once upon a time in the land of Kirshner, there was, uh, a handsome prince in love with a frog and three little pigs, and he didn’t know how he would get through the forest ’cause the wicked grandmother had given him a poison apple. So, he was walking through the forest, and, uh, with goodies in a, in a basket, and, uh…

MIKE:
And, uh, he came across the wicked stepladder—

MICKY:
Right.

MIKE:
—who, uh, who was, uh, pretty, um, tall because of all the rungs, and then, she said, uh, “You rang?” and he said, “Sure, the rungs are” uh, because he had this basket of goodies and, uh…

DAVY:
He looked at the basket of goodies and, uh, started walking towards the little Snow White’s little house where the, where the six, uh, midgets lived with—

MICKY:
Seven.

DAVY:
—the four frogs. Seven midgets with the four frogs, and the toadstools were beginning to, to look bad, because, um, Columbus was, uh…

PETER:
Uh, uh, uh, “Commando: Allied troop in unit in Wuh-Wuh Two. Commedia dell’arte: a kind of comedy descended from the Rome comedies of Plautus and Terence, presented by ???, it reached its…”

CAPTAIN:
No, no, no, no! What are you doing, you rotten kids? You’re ruining my master plan! I said sic ’em, not love ’em! You double-crossing brats! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!

KIDS:
[yelling]

Tag

INT. CAPTAIN SET

STAGE MANAGER:
Five, four, three, two, one.

NEEDLEMAN:
Hi, gang! It’s Monkee Menagerie time, starring Howie Needleman.

MIKE:
We’re The Monkees; you’re ???

DAVY:
What is that?

MIKE:
Yeah!

NEEDLEMAN:
It’s time for fun!

MICKY:
No pies! No pies!

MIKE:
No pies! No pies!

NEEDLEMAN:
Oh, no, no, no! Pies are out.

MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
Oh.

NEEDLEMAN:
Seltzer is in!

KIDS:
Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!