“Captain Crocodile” Script

Act One

INT. CAPTAIN CROCODILE SET

HOWARD NEEDLEMAN:
One minute to air? One minute to air! One minute to air! One minute to air! One minute and air! One minute to air, Captain.

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
How do I look, Howard?

HOWARD NEEDLEMAN:
Oh, beautiful, beautiful.

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
Don’t lie to me, Howard.

MICKY:
Hey, look out, guys.

PETER:
Hold it.

MICKY:
So this is the world of television.

PETER:
Well, that’s funny; it doesn’t look like a vast wasteland.

HOWARD NEEDLEMAN:
One minute to air! One minute to air!

MIKE:
Um, excuse me. Uh, we’re The Monkees, and we’re supposed to be on the show.

HOWARD NEEDLEMAN:
Just wait right here. The Monkees are here now, Captain.

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
Oh, very good. Very good. Well, so, uh, you’re The Monkees.

DAVY:
Yeah, we-we’re gonna sing on your TV show.

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
Oh, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. Quick, Howard. Show them, show them where to stand.

HOWARD NEEDLEMAN:
Alright, this way. Come on, boys. Come on, quickly. Alright, you stand right there, right there, beautiful, beautiful.

DAVY:
Uh, uh, just a minute. What’s our music cue?

MICKY:
I—hey, what is this?

PETER:
What is this? Insulation?

MICKY:
We’re supposed to be playing—

MIKE:
Don’t-don’t hurt my hat! Don’t hurt it.

MICKY:
I can’t play my drums. I got to have a, uh—

PETER:
What’s going on here?

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
Are they all set?

HOWARD NEEDLEMAN:
Oh, yes, Captain.

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
So the Monkees want to work on my show, huh? We’ll see about that.

HOWARD NEEDLEMAN:
Please, kiddies, settle down. No! Over here.

STAGE MANAGER:
Five, four…

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
Will somebody keep those rotten kids—yuh, huh, hi there, kids! It’s Captain Crocodile time!

KIDS:
Yay!

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
Brrp! Brrp! Brrp! Oh-ho! Hhh! Ha ha! And that means it’s time for fun!

HOWARD NEEDLEMAN, KIDS:
Fun!

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
And fun!

HOWARD NEEDLEMAN, KIDS:
Fun!

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
And fun!

HOWARD NEEDLEMAN, KIDS:
Fun!

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
And fun!

HOWARD NEEDLEMAN, KIDS:
Fun!

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
Ha ha ha ha! It’s fun!

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

Act Two

INT. PINTER’S OFFICE RECEPTION

MIKE:
Um, uh, hello. We’re The Monkees, and, uh, we got a telegram from Mr. Pinter that, uh, he wanted to see us.

SECRETARY:
May I see the wire?

MIKE:
No, Peter, not that wire.

PETER:
It’s gone!

DAVY:
Peter, here it is. That’s the wire.

SECRETARY:
I’ll tell Mr. Pinter you’re here. Wait here a moment, please.

MICKY:
This guy must be important. Man, we’re on the road to success.

MIKE:
Yeah, we’re almost at the heights.

DAVY:
We’re nearly at the top of the heap.

PETER:
It’s all downhill from here.

SECRETARY:
Mr. Pinter will see you now.

INT. PINTER’S OFFICE

JUNIOR PINTER:
Come in, come in. I’m Junior Pinter. I’m in charge of The Captain Crocodile Show.

MIKE:
You’ve got to be putting us on.

JUNIOR PINTER:
You think I’m short?

MIKE:
Well, uh, no. Where’d you get that idea?

JUNIOR PINTER:
From people who are taller than I am.

DAVY:
You know, I think he’s quite tall meself.

MICKY:
You would.

JUNIOR PINTER:
Take a seat, gentlemen.

MICKY:
Take a seat. Alrighty. Here I go taking—

MIKE:
What are you—hey. Take two; they’re small.

MICKY:
Oh.

MIKE:
Put it down. It’s a little toy office. Ha ha ha.

DAVY:
I think it’s nice.

MIKE:
Yeah.

JUNIOR PINTER:
Gentlemen.

PETER:
What, no cookies?

MICKY:
No, uh. We’re on the milk wagon.

JUNIOR PINTER:
Gentlemen.

MIKE:
Thanks, I needed that.

JUNIOR PINTER:
Alright, we’re all men here, so I guess I can come right to the point.

MIKE:
What’s that?

JUNIOR PINTER:
Uh, uh, this helps me think. Men, I have a proposition for you.

MICKY:
Oh, really? Hey.

MIKE:
What?

JUNIOR PINTER:
I would like you to appear on television on a regular basis.

DAVY:
Oh, that’s fine, thank you.

JUNIOR PINTER:
On The Captain Crocodile Show.

MICKY:
Bye!

JUNIOR PINTER:
Wait a minute. What’s wrong with The Captain Crocodile Show?

MIKE:
Well, nothing, if you like a pie in your face.

JUNIOR PINTER:
Wait a minute. I’ll call the president of the network. [on the phone] Get me Australia. Hello, Sydney?

MICKY:
Man, it takes me ten minutes to get a dial tone.

JUNIOR PINTER:
Let me speak to daddy.

DAVY:
Did he say “daddy”?

JUNIOR PINTER:
Daddy? Junior. Remember that show you gave me for my birthday? The Monkees refuse to appear on it. Right, dad. I’ll handle it like a real executive. And, dad, don’t forget to bring me my panda bear. [hangs up] Men, I guarantee there will be no more pies in the face, and you will sing. Alright?

MICKY:
Hey, great. Yeah, fine.

DAVY:
Oh, terrific.

JUNIOR PINTER:
Now, let’s play hide and seek. I’m it. One, two, three, four, five…

MIKE:
Eh.

DAVY:
He’s it?

JUNIOR PINTER:
…six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven…

PETER:
Who’s hide?

MICKY:
You Hyde; I’m Jekyll.

JUNIOR PINTER:
…twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen…

INT. NEEDLEMAN’S OFFICE

HOWARD NEEDLEMAN:
Hello out there, all you small folks. This is your buddy, Captain Crocodile—

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
Quick, Howard, help me!

KIDS:
Captain Crocodile! Captain Crocodile!

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
Howard, I want you to look at this memo from Junior. Look at that, Howard. They’re easing me out.

HOWARD NEEDLEMAN:
No! No, they can’t ease you out, Captain.

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
Oh, you mark my words.

HOWARD NEEDLEMAN:
You’re a living legend!

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
No, mark my words, Howard; they’re gonna ease me out. I look tired. Well, they’ll be sorry they ever tangled with Captain Crocodile. Listen to this, Howard. When The Monkees first show, hear me good, this is what we’re gonna do. This is gonna be good, Howard. Laugh it up. Ha ha ha ha. You see, I’m laughing already.

INT. CAPTAIN CROCODILE SET

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
Okay, okay, we only got a few minutes to air time. Now, there’s one thing that’s very important. Micky, come here. You gotta learn how to work to the right camera. You gotta play it, right? Stand right over here.

MICKY:
Huh? What?

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
We’ll have a dry run. Just stand there.

MICKY:
Um.

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
Here he is, kids, Micky Dolenz! You’re on.

MICKY:
Hi, kids, huh, I was born in Los—

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
No, no, over here.

MICKY:
Oh, I was born in Los Angeles, and I came, uh—

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
No, over here. Over this way.

MICKY:
And I studied at the San—

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
Now watch the light.

MICKY:
I went to, uh, Grant High School, and hi k—everybody at Grant High.

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
Number two.

MICKY:
And I went to… over here?

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
???

MICKY:
I always wanted to be a drummer since I was a little—

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
No, over there.

MICKY:
A little—

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
Over here.

MICKY:
Uh, kid, I wanted to play the drums, and so I got a—oh.

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
Pick up your drumsticks!

MICKY:
Got my—I p—

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
Yeah, that’s right. You’re doing fine. Keep talking!

MICKY:
Um.

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
The light, the light, look at the light!

MICKY:
The other camera?

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
Over that way.

MICKY:
The red light’s on that one.

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
Back up.

MICKY:
Huh?

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
No, come closer. You’re too far away.

MICKY:
Closer?

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
No, no, back forward. You’re too close! Get back! Move back! No, no, no. Stay right there. Move-a this way. Good, good. Cut! Cut!

MICKY:
[stuttering]

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
Very good. The important thing is, you were relaxed.

INT. CAPTAIN CROCODILE SET

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
Hi, kids. Well, it’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for; The Monkees are gonna sing for you. And now, here they are: The Monkees!

KIDS:
Yay!

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
And now let’s pay a visit to the Captain’s birthday house. Hee hee! Heh!

INT. CAPTAIN CROCODILE SET

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
And now, here they are again, that wonderful fun group: The Monkees!

KIDS:
Yay!

MIKE:
One!

DAVY:
Two, three!

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
Thank you, boys.

INT. CAPTAIN CROCODILE SET

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
Now here they are again, back to entertain you, hee-hee hee-hee: The Monkees!

KIDS:
Yay!

INT. CAPTAIN CROCODILE SET

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
And once again, we present: The Monkees!

KIDS:
Yay!

MIKE:
One, two, one, two, three and—

INT. CAPTAIN CROCODILE SET

MIKE:
Hey, come here. Listen. Either you let us play or we quit.

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
Who’s stopping you? Go ahead and play. Play all you want. Hm hm hm hm!

“Valleri”

MIKE:
Well, that was it. How did it go? How did it go? How did it go?

STAGE MANAGER:
How did what go? We’ve been off the air for five minutes.

Act Three

INT. CAPTAIN CROCODILE SET

MIKE:
Oh, come on, Pete. Don’t cry.

PETER:
But we were gonna be a big success on television.

MICKY:
Hey, come on, Pete, man. There’s other shows besides Captain Crocodile, right, huh?

MIKE:
Sure.

DAVY:
Sure, we can be a hit on some other show.

PETER:
You really think so?

DAVY:
Sure! Now, just imagine…

INT. CAPTAIN CROCODILE SET

MIKE:
Good evening, this is Chett Hinkley.

MICKY:
And David Bruntley.

PETER:
And Brett Chinkley.

DAVY:
And Chuck Hankley.

MIKE:
And this is Dank Barkley.

MICKY:
And Chuck Weekly.

PETER:
And Choller Walltight.

DAVY:
And Hank Chuckley.

MIKE:
And this is John Smith.

MICKY:
And… John Smith?

PETER:
Now here’s your weather forecaster, Tex Nesmith.

MIKE:
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am Tex Nesmith. I’m your weather forecaster. United States Weather Bureau today from Washington, D.C., reports that a northern wind and northern squall storm is building up just south of our, north of our hometown, hm hm, and it will be coming down here about three thirty this afternoon. However, our latest reports indicate that the storm has been quelled by a southern high pressure front arising from the Gulf of Mexico. So today should be sunny and bright and clear. Now, the Gulf of Mexico weather report here today says that the day will be beautiful and clear and sunshiny and cloudy. So pack it up with your friends and take a drive and go anywhere you want to go. So remember, this is Tex Nesmith saying have a wonderful weekend. Enjoy yourself. Everything will be bright and sunny and clear.

MIKE:
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I’m Mike Nesmith, and on my left is the delightful and charming personality David Jones.

DAVY:
Thank you, Mike.

MIKE:
No sweat.

DAVY:
And on my left is the charming and delightful Peter Tork.

PETER:
Thank you, David. And on my charming and delightful is the left moderator, Micky Dolenz.

MICKY:
Thank you, my charming panel. And now let’s play What’s My Scene? Will our first contestant enter and sign in please? This game isn’t any fun. Let’s play To Tell a Fib.

MIKE:
My name is David Jones.

DAVY:
My name is David Jones.

PETER:
My name is David Jones.

MICKY:
Will the real David Jones please stand up?

DAVY:
I am standing up.

MICKY:
Hey, the caper’s perfect.

MIKE:
It’s almost foolproof.

MICKY:
Ah, it’s almost foolproof.

MIKE:
Yeah, well, I don’t think we have any—huh? Oh, yeah! Ain’t nobody gonna stop us now.

PETER:
No one except Frogman.

DAVY:
And Reuben the Tadpole.

PETER:
Don’t you think we oughta ruin some furniture?

MIKE:
Oh, the furnit—you mean chairs and stuff?

PETER:
Yeah, the, uh—

MIKE:
Oh, okay. Sure.

PETER:
All ready?

MIKE:
Yes.

PETER:
Kretch?

DAVY:
Holy frogs’ legs! That really makes me mad.

PETER:
Thus shall it ever be when men of evil oppose the forces of goodness and sweetness and niceness. Crime does not—

DAVY:
Not pay.

PETER:
That’s my line.

DAVY:
That’s my line.

PETER:
Crime does not—

DAVY:
Crime does not pay.

PETER:
No, it’s my line.

DAVY:
In the script, it said it’s my line.

PETER:
My line, man.

DAVY:
Crime—

PETER:
Crime does not—

DAVY:
Do that once more.

PETER:
Crime does not—crime—

DAVY:
That’s what I said, folks; crime doesn’t pay.

INT. NEEDLEMAN’S OFFICE

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
Those Monkees are gonna take over my audience, and the network, the network, Howard, is going to ease me out. Unless…

HOWARD NEEDLEMAN:
Yes, Captain?

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
Evil thoughts, Howard. Nasty, evil thoughts.

INT. PINTER’S OFFICE

JUNIOR PINTER:
Men, the station has received twenty-seven letters from people who hate you.

MIKE:
All those people hate us?

MICKY:
They’re all in crayon.

JUNIOR PINTER:
The programming chief, J.J. Pontoon, has called a special meeting today to discuss the problem.

MIKE:
“Arrogant egomaniacs.”

MICKY:
“Long-haired weirdos”?

DAVY:
“Loathsome teenagers.”

PETER:
“Delightful and well-bred.”

JUNIOR PINTER:
Who wrote that?

PETER:
My mother.

INT. PONTOON’S OFFICE

J.J. PONTOON:
Now, gentlemen, the purpose of today’s meeting is to decide whether the Monkees should continue to appear on The Captain Crocodile Show. So, let’s run it up the antenna and check the reception.

MICKY:
Good morning, good morning, good morning, good morning, good morning, good morning, gentlemen. How are you? Good morning. I’m from the Nelson Polling Service. Since you’ve had The Monkees on the Crocodile Show, your ratings have risen forty-five percent with a sixty-two share of two hundred scale of thirty-two point six coverage of the three to fourteen year old age bracket. That’s adjusting for the forty-three percentile sweep of the thirty city sector. Know what that means? I’ll tell you what it means. It means that thirty-six million people are watching The Monkees. We can tell from our sampling.

J.J. PONTOON:
How many people were in your sampling?

MICKY:
Fourteen. Uh.

J.J. PONTOON:
Fourteen?

MICKY:
Well, thirteen’s an unlucky number.

MIKE:
Hello. I’m the kindly little old building janitor, and I just wanted to tell you that I’ve got twelve grandchildren at home, and they all watch the show just because The Monkees is on it.

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
This is ridiculous.

J.J. PONTOON:
Let the man speak. Now, before the Monkees appeared, did your grandchildren ever watch the show?

MIKE:
Oh, no, no. I’ve seen it once. I ’member seeing it well. I watched it for about five minutes, then I thought to myself, “Why am I sitting here watching this show when I could be out cleaning garbage cans?”

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
Garbage cans. It’s ridiculous. Just ridiculous. Well, what does the opinion of an old man mean? It’s the kids we want, isn’t it? Th-that’s what’s most important in here is what the kids want. Right? Heh heh.

DAVY:
Oh, hello, hello. Hi. I like The Monkees, and if you take ’em off the air, I’m gonna hold my breath ’til my face turns blue.

JUNIOR PINTER:
So will I!

J.J. PONTOON:
Junior!

PETER:
If The Monkees goes off the air, I’ll never eat my vegetables again. I love The Monkees! I don’t want you to take The Monkees away. I love The Monkees!

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
[chattering]

J.J. PONTOON:
Silence! Gentlemen, please. Will you please clear the room? And the executive committee will have made a decision by this afternoon.

INT. CAPTAIN CROCODILE SET

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
We haven’t got much time, Howard. Call the Crocodile Corps. Hi kids. Who do you love the most?

KIDS:
Captain Crocodile!

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
Would you do anything for the Captain?

KIDS:
Anything!

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
Even though it’s dirty and rotten?

KIDS:
Yes!

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
Well, then get The Monkees. Sic ’em! Sic ’em!

KIDS:
Yay!

“Your Auntie Grizelda”

INT. CAPTAIN CROCODILE SET

MICKY:
Wait, wait, wait! Would you like to hear a story?

KIDS:
Yeah!

MICKY:
I-I got a story here.

MIKE:
Bu-but that’s a dictionary.

MICKY:
Shh! Uh, we’ll hear a story now. Ready, kids? Uh, let’s see here. All sit down there. And, uh, great. Ha ha. Well, ha, here’s the story. Once upon a time in the land of Kirshner, there was, uh, a handsome prince in love with a frog and three little pigs, and he didn’t know how he would get through the forest ’cause the wicked grandmother had given him a poison apple. So, he was walking through the forest, and, uh, with goodies in a, in a basket, and, uh…

MIKE:
And, uh, he came across the wicked stepladder—

MICKY:
Right.

MIKE:
—who, uh, who was, uh, pretty, um, tall because of all the rungs, and then, she said, uh, “You rang?” and he said, “Sure, the rungs are” uh, because he had this basket of goodies and, uh…

DAVY:
He looked at the basket of goodies and, uh, started walking towards the little Snow White’s little house where the, where the six, uh, midgets lived with—

MICKY:
Seven.

DAVY:
—the four frogs. Seven midgets with the four frogs, and the toadstools were beginning to, to look bad, because, um, Columbus was, uh…

PETER:
Uh, uh, uh, “Commando: Allied troop in unit in Wuh-Wuh Two. Commedia dell’arte: a kind of comedy descended from the Rome comedies of Plautus and Terence, presented by ???, it reached its…”

CAPTAIN CROCODILE:
No, no, no, no! What are you doing, you rotten kids? You’re ruining my master plan! I said sic ’em, not love ’em! You double-crossing brats! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!

KIDS:
[yelling]

Tag

INT. CAPTAIN CROCODILE SET

STAGE MANAGER:
Five, four, three, two, one.

HOWARD NEEDLEMAN:
Hi, gang! It’s Monkee Menagerie time, starring Howie Needleman.

MIKE:
We’re The Monkees; you’re ???

DAVY:
What is that?

MIKE:
Yeah!

HOWARD NEEDLEMAN:
It’s time for fun!

MICKY:
No pies! No pies!

MIKE:
No pies! No pies!

HOWARD NEEDLEMAN:
Oh, no, no, no! Pies are out.

MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
Oh.

HOWARD NEEDLEMAN:
Seltzer is in!

KIDS:
Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!