“The Case of the Missing Monkee” Script

Act One

INT. FRENCH RESTAURANT

MILO SCHNITZLER:
So, again, let me thank you for this banquet. As a humble man of science, all I can say is, um, um, war is war and, and peace is peace, and science is, uh, uh, science.

MAN:
Bravo!

PETER:
You know, I don’t think I’ve ever heard it put quite that way before.

MIKE:
What?

JERRY RUSH:
Wonderful, wonderful speech.

ROXANNE ALBEE:
Marvelous.

PETER:
Professor? I certainly enjoyed your speech, sir.

MILO SCHNITZLER:
Thank you, uh, and I have enjoyed your music very much. Thank you.

DR. MARCOVICH:
Professor, there is someone who is most anxious to see you. It’s a surprise. Excuse me, please. Professor, I want you to meet someone. You’ll be surprised.

PETER:
“They are taking me to the Remington Clinic.” Hey, a funny thing happened to me on the way to the bandstand.

MIKE:
We gotta play, babe.

PETER:
The professor gave me this sheet of paper.

MIKE:
Yeah, well, read it later. We gotta play.

DAVY:
Yeah.

PETER:
Professor Schnitzler? Professor Schnitzler? Profe-Professor Schnitzler? Professor Schnitzler?

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

Act Two

INT. FRENCH RESTAURANT

DAVY:
You know, it’s not like Peter to take off in the middle of a gig.

MICKY:
Man, he sure takes a lot of looking after.

MIKE:
Oh, I don’t know; not any more than the average aircraft carrier.

MICKY:
Yeah.

MIKE:
Oh, let’s go check with the boss. Um, excuse me.

DR. MARCOVICH:
Don’t do that.

MIKE:
Oh, um, listen. We’re looking for a musician friend of ours. Sandy-haired kind of guy.

DR. MARCOVICH:
Well, I don’t know nothing about musicians, but, uh, you are musicians, no?

MICKY:
Yeah, well, he’s also a musician—

DR. MARCOVICH:
Why are you not playing? Why don’t you do what you’ve been hired for?

MICKY:
Huh, that’s a big help.

MIKE:
Wait a minute. I just remembered something.

DAVY:
What?

MICKY:
What’s that?

MIKE:
This note, uh, Peter gave me.

DAVY:
What does it say?

MIKE:
“I am being taken to the Remington Clinic.”

EXT. REMINGTON CLINIC

MIKE:
Well, it’s the only thing that makes any sense, uh. I guess, Peter came here looking for the Professor. Let’s go.

INT. REMINGTON CLINIC - NURSES STATION

DAVY:
I kinda like it meself. It’s a nice little—

NURSE:
Uh, yes, boys. Can I help you?

DAVY:
Oh, yes.

MICKY:
Oh, yeah. We’d like—

DAVY:
Uh—

MICKY:
Um, sorry—

DAVY:
Um, you see, it’s, we, we, we, we’re, um—

MICKY:
We wanted—

DAVY:
No, no. Listen. Let, let me do it, will you, please? We’re looking for a friend of ours. His name’s, uh, Peter Tork, and we have reason to believe that he came here looking for a, um, a, Professor Sh, Sh, Shn, Sh…

MICKY:
Um, Snapler. Uh, no, it’s uh—

DAVY:
Sna—

NURSE:
Schnitzler?

MICKY:
Yeah!

DAVY:
Right. Right.

NURSE:
I am sorry. We have no Professor Schnitzler here. Uh, what does your young friend look like?

MIKE:
Well, he’s about, uh, you know, he’s five ten, he’s got light brown hair and sort of, uh, gray-green eyes, and, um, he’s got a little button nose.

DAVY:
Yeah, it buttons right over his lower lip.

MICKY:
He’s very emotional.

MIKE:
Yeah, he cries at card tricks.

NURSE:
Aw. And what did you say his name was?

MICKY, MIKE:
Tork.

NURSE:
Um, Taylor, Thompson, Titlebaum, Tinker…

MICKY:
Hey, that’s pretty good. Can you say, “She sells sea shells by the seashore”?

NURSE:
I’m sorry; I can’t help you. If your friend is missing, I suggest you go to the police.

DAVY:
Yeah.

MICKY:
Okay. Thank you.

DAVY:
Okay.

MIKE:
Thank you very much.

DAVY:
Go see the man.

DR. MARCOVICH:
Nurse. What, uh, did, uh, those young men want?

NURSE:
They were looking for a friend of theirs, doctor, and a man named Schnitzler; I’ve never heard of them.

DR. MARCOVICH:
No, neither have I.

INT. FRENCH RESTAURANT - HALLWAY

MIKE:
This the place I saw him last, officer. It’s sort of like a French restaurant.

INT. FAKE CHINESE RESTAURANT

MICKY:
Hey!

DAVY:
Hey, it’s changed.

MICKY:
This isn’t, uh. These tables weren’t red, these tables were…

DAVY:
Something’s wrong here. Hey, what’s going on?

MICKY:
Man, this place is Chinese.

DR. MARCOVICH:
Perhaps humble servant can be of assistance, please.

POLICEMAN:
These kids say their friend disappeared from here this afternoon while they were playing for a banquet.

MIKE:
Well, he did.

DR. MARCOVICH:
Must be big mistake. Honorable establishment closed today.

MICKY:
Closed? Today?

DR. MARCOVICH:
Unless honorable officer want food. I can bring, uh, fried rice, uh, chicken chow mein, wonton soup.

MICKY:
Never mind that! Do you have Schnitzler here?

DR. MARCOVICH:
Uh, no. We have, uh, fried rice, uh, chicken chow mein, wonton soup.

POLICEMAN:
I think you kids are in the wrong place. Now, don’t bother any more policemen until you know where you were.

MIKE:
Bye.

MICKY:
Bye.

MIKE:
Oh.

DAVY:
You know, I never did like Chinese restaurants; one hour after you eat there, you disappear.

DR. MARCOVICH:
Ha ha ha ha ha! I fooled them! I fooled them!

INT. REMINGTON CLINIC - NURSES STATION

MICKY:
Nurse! Nurse! My friend’s been in a terrible accident. He has broken bones and loss of blood, and he’s suffering from terrible pain.

DAVY:
Uh!

NURSE:
Uh, name please?

DAVY:
David Jones.

NURSE:
Uh, address?

MICKY:
What?

DAVY:
Fourteen thirty-eight North Beechwood.

NURSE:
I don’t suppose you know your zip code number?

MIKE:
His zip code? Are you kidding? He’s got broken bones and things, and we’ve gotta get him inside!

NURSE:
Please! I have a job to do. Occupation?

MICKY:
Uh, uh, he’s a musician.

NURSE:
A musician?! Ah! I love the tuba!

MICKY:
Miss, he’s been in an accident!

DAVY:
Ohh!

NURSE:
Oh, well, let’s see. Um, I don’t suppose you’re old enough to qualify under Medicare.

DAVY:
Well, I wasn’t when I came in here, but, uh.

NURSE:
Alright, sign here.

DAVY:
Okay.

NURSE:
Uh, admitting desk. I have a young man here with, uh, multiple fractures and contusions. Oh, I’d see a doctor about that cough. Uh, he’ll probably need the operating room. I don’t think he’ll need the recovery room. Alrighty! Uh, we can take you on the thirteenth.

MICKY:
On the thirteenth?! But you don’t understand! Uh, he, he’s, he needs immediate help. Uh, what can you do in the meantime?

NURSE:
Oh, well, try a cough drop.

DAVY:
Oh, thanks very much. Come on, fellas.

MIKE:
Bye.

NURSE:
Bye.

DAVY:
Hey, hold it. Hold it. Let me just, um. Ah! Ahh!
♪ Way down upon the Swanee River ♪
♪ Far, far away ♪

NURSE:
It’s a miracle! It’s a miracle! Ha ha ha!

DAVY:
♪ That’s where my heart is yearning ever ♪
♪ That’s where the old folks stay ♪

MICKY:
Hurray, hurray.

EXT. REMINGTON CLINIC

DAVY:
Hey, hey, hey. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Do you realize this is a crime? This is breaking and entering.

MICKY:
So what do you want to do? Do you wanna run home, where it’s safe and, and, and leave Peter here in trouble, all alone?

DAVY:
Of course not.

MICKY:
Well, it was just a suggestion. A ha. The bat hook!

MIKE:
What is this bat hook thing? We got a ladder. What, are you gonna use this thing and break your leg?

MICKY:
Oh!

INT. REMINGTON CLINIC - PHYSICAL THERAPY ROOM

MICKY:
Ah! Ah!

DAVY:
Shh. Shh. Shh.

MICKY:
Ow!

MIKE:
I guess the first thing we better do is, uh, try and look like patients.

MICKY:
Right.

DAVY:
Come on.

MICKY:
Well, what do we do now?

MIKE:
Well, um, I guess we start looking for Peter.

DAVY:
We can’t.

MIKE:
Shh. Why?

DAVY:
I’m sick.

MIKE:
Hey, look, man. We gotta search this hospital.

MICKY:
Right.

INT. REMINGTON CLINIC - PATIENT ROOM

DR. MARCOVICH:
Mm-hm. Hm-hm-hm. Good. He’s still asleep from the drug.

BRUNO:
He was a fool to pass that note to the boy.

DR. MARCOVICH:
But the banquet was already scheduled. We had to take him when we could. But it doesn’t matter, Bruno. What does matter is this. We are going to transport Professor Milo Schnitzler out of the country, and America will lose one of its greatest scientists. A ha ha! Brilliant. Ha ha ha ha.

BRUNO:
What about him?

PETER:
Yeah, what about me?

BRUNO:
Shut up!

PETER:
You can’t do that to me. I need love and understanding. My mother rejected me. My sister resented me. I’ve lost all my confidence. And now, this operation.

DR. MARCOVICH:
What is that?

PETER:
Ben Casey, act one.

DR. MARCOVICH:
What are you doing with that?

BRUNO:
He knows too much.

PETER:
Thank you!

DR. MARCOVICH:
But we cannot afford a murder here. Besides, I have a better plan. Ha ha ha ha. ??? I told you a million times, never point the gun ???

PETER:
Shazam! Well, another seven years bad luck for Captain Marvel.

INT. REMINGTON CLINIC - PHYSICAL THERAPY ROOM

MICKY:
Well, that takes care of this room.

MIKE:
Yeah, there’s thirty-nine to go.

INT. REMINGTON CLINIC - HALLWAY

DR. MARCOVICH:
Bruno, you had better attend to the physical therapy room. Now, you know, maybe some of the patients may have reported. But remember this, the affairs of this rest home must not be disrupted.

BRUNO:
Ja, doctor.

MICKY:
Now, listen, you get some—wait! Somebody’s coming.

DR. MARCOVICH:
Go.

INT. REMINGTON CLINIC - PHYSICAL THERAPY ROOM

BRUNO:
So, I see you all here, huh? Ready for your physical therapy. Excellent. Well, we begin. Alright. Now, pull.

MICKY:
Pull? Ha ha.

BRUNO:
Pull. Harder. Harder. Harder. Harder. Harder. Ah! Good. Now, arms straight out.

MICKY:
A heh. Wah!

DAVY:
What does this do?

BRUNO:
This will get rid of your spare tire.

DAVY:
Oh, really?

BRUNO:
Yeah.

DAVY:
Ahh! Whoa! Ju—uh, just a minute. Wuh! Wah!

MIKE:
♪ Honeysuckle’s not as sweet as you are ♪

BRUNO:
Nah, nah, nah. You’ll never get anywhere that way.

MIKE:
This guy’s gotta be kidding.

DAVY:
Hey, Mike. We’ve got to get out of here. Peter might be dying.

MIKE:
He might be dying!

INT. REMINGTON CLINIC - OPERATING ROOM

DR. MARCOVICH:
This instrument, Mr. Tork, will cause temporary amnesia. It will erase your memory, but, by the time your memory will return, we will be safely out of this country with Professor Schnitzler.

PETER:
How long before I get my memory back?

DR. MARCOVICH:
A normal brain should be out of commission for three days.

PETER:
Oh, ha ha.

DR. MARCOVICH:
But, in your case, we are safe to say until early spring. I will set the dials. Hm hm.

INT. REMINGTON CLINIC - PHYSICAL THERAPY ROOM

BRUNO:
Alright, you can cool off a bit now and then return to your rooms.

MIKE:
Oh. Listen, we haven’t got a minute to spare. We gotta get out there and find Peter. Hello? Yeah, Bruno just gave us physical therapy. Yeah, Peter’s somewhere in hospital. Yeah, Doctor Schnitzler’s still missing. Okay. Goodbye!

MICKY:
That was the police?

MIKE:
No, it was TV Guide. Shh.

INT. REMINGTON CLINIC - OPERATING ROOM

DR. MARCOVICH:
I will erase your memory! Ha ha ha ha ha!

DAVY (V.O.):
Peter, where are you?

MICKY (V.O.):
Peter, where are you?

MIKE (V.O.):
Peter, where are you?

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE (V.O.):
Peter, where are you?

INT. REMINGTON CLINIC - PHYSICAL THERAPY ROOM

MIKE:
It’s alright. Well, we looked everywhere, man. Can’t find him.

MICKY:
Man, I’m gonna give up all hope.

DAVY:
I guess we’ll never see old Peter again.

MIKE:
Yeah, well, we might as well just—hey! Pete!

DAVY:
Peter!

MICKY:
Peter?

MIKE:
Pete!

PETER:
I’ve never seen you guys before in my life.

Act Three

INT. REMINGTON CLINIC - PHYSICAL THERAPY ROOM

MICKY:
Peter, I—

PETER:
Keep your hands off me! Do you know who I am? Wait a minute. Who am I?

MICKY:
You, know, I heard you can induce temporary amnesia by a shock to the nervous system.

DAVY:
Well, maybe we could shock it out of him.

MICKY:
It’s worth a try.

DAVY:
Go on. Go on.

MICKY:
Uh, Peter, we’re-we’re gonna try to scare you, so don’t be scared.

PETER:
Okay. Go ahead.

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE:
Boo!

PETER:
Nope. That don’t make it. You gotta do it when I’m not ready.

MIKE:
Here. Come here, come here.

DAVY:
What? What?

MIKE:
The whole secret to this scaring business is to get him off his guard.

MICKY:
Right. Right, right.

MIKE:
So be very casual and then, you know, let the ???.

DAVY:
La la la…

MIKE:
Oh, hey, Peter. How’s it going, babe? Long time, no see.

DAVY:
Yeah.

MICKY:
Hey, Pete, saw Harry Flynn the other day.

DAVY:
Yeah, he sends his best regards.

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE:
Boo!

PETER:
What are you trying to do? Give me a heart attack?

DAVY:
Look, we’re sorry, Peter. We’re just trying to help you, you know.

PETER:
That’s alright, Micky.

DAVY:
Micky!

MICKY:
Hey!

DAVY:
He knows me! He knows me!

MIKE:
You’re not…

DAVY:
No, I’m Davy.

PETER:
Wait. Wait. My memory! Ah! We don’t have any time. We don’t have any time. We gotta get the profe—they’re gonna smuggle the professor out of the country tonight.

INT. REMINGTON CLINIC - PATIENT ROOM

MIKE:
How’d the doctor say he’s gonna get him out of the country anyway? Huh?

PETER:
I forget.

MIKE:
He’s having a relapse. Ah, uh, quick! We gotta hide. Uh, get in the back of this thing. Peter, you stay here and play dumb.

PETER:
Why am I always the one to play dumb? Why can’t I play smart once in a while?

NURSE:
Hello there!

PETER:
Are they coming to take him away now?

NURSE:
Oh, what a smart question. Yes, the doctor will be here in a few moments. Here. Have a cough drop. They’re wonderful. Bye-bye.

PETER:
Okay, guys. She’s gone.

MICKY:
That’s it! They’re gonna smuggle him out of the country in an ambulance. What a great idea, man. Who’d ever stop an ambulance?

MIKE:
You know what? With that oxygen mask on his face, you can’t tell who’s under there.

MICKY:
You’re right, man!

DAVY:
Yeah.

MICKY:
Buh-buh, buh.

INT. REMINGTON CLINIC - PATIENT ROOM

PETER:
Okay, he’s comfortable back there.

MICKY:
Oh!

MIKE:
Groovy.

MICKY:
Great.

MIKE:
Believe me, Micky; there’s no other way.

MICKY:
Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah.

MIKE:
Besides, Doctor Marcovich is an evil man.

MICKY:
But what about me?

DAVY:
You’re not evil. Is he, Mike?

MIKE:
No, he’s not evil. He’s crafty and selfish maybe, but he’s not evil.

MICKY:
Come on, guys!

MIKE:
Uh, shh! Here comes somebody.

MICKY:
Oh, great.

INT. REMINGTON CLINIC - HALLWAY

DR. MARCOVICH:
Is the operating room ready?

BRUNO:
Ja, doctor.

DR. MARCOVICH:
Good. Surgery will provide the only permanent brainwashing for Professor Schnitzler.

INT. REMINGTON CLINIC - OPERATING ROOM

DR. MARCOVICH:
Everything ready? Huh?

BRUNO:
Ja, doctor.

DR. MARCOVICH:
Eh, gloves, forceps.

BRUNO:
Cotton.

DR. MARCOVICH:
Yes, of course, it’s cotton, Bruno. Hurry, hurry. Who are you?

MIKE:
What do you mean? What do you—who are we? I’m a doctor. Who do you think, I’m a plumber?

DR. MARCOVICH:
I beg your pardon, doctor.

MIKE:
It’s alright. My gloves. Well, it never hurts to be sanitary, doctor. Let’s examine the patient. Uh, let’s see, uh, here.

DR. MARCOVICH:
Alright, I am ready, eh?

MIKE:
What do you mean you’re ready? This is my patient.

DR. MARCOVICH:
Oh, no, no, no, no. He’s my patient.

MIKE:
Do you really think I’d leave him in the hands of a quack?

DR. MARCOVICH:
Quack?!

MIKE:
Oh, these ambulance chasers; they’re everywhere.

DR. MARCOVICH:
Now see here!

MIKE:
Wait a minute. I’m a reasonable man. We’ll cut cards for him. Yeah, you lose. Ha ha ha ha ha. Now, let’s see. The hip bone’s connected to the ankle bone. The ankle bone’s connected to the… wait a minute. If the shoulder bones connected to the…

DR. MARCOVICH:
Bruno, the oxygen.

BRUNO:
Ja, doctor.

MIKE:
Okay. Here goes nothing.

MICKY:
Wait a minute—

MIKE:
Shh!

DAVY:
You look very nervous, doctor.

PETER:
Nervous? Don’t be silly. Look at how slowly I’m twitching.

MIKE:
Suture.

DAVY:
Suture.

MIKE:
Sponge.

DAVY:
Sponge.

MIKE:
Knife.

DAVY:
Knife.

MIKE:
Oh! Try it again or you’ll never learn. Knife.

DAVY:
Knife.

MIKE:
Peanut butter.

DAVY:
Peanut butter.

DR. MARCOVICH:
No, he is my patient.

MIKE:
What do you mean your—it’s-it’s my patient. Says right here on the menu: “My patient”.

DR. MARCOVICH:
Bruno, enough of this.

MIKE:
I am not leaving without my patient.

DR. MARCOVICH:
No.

MIKE:
Your pa—

DR. MARCOVICH:
It’s my patient! Let go of my patient!

MICKY:
Hey, I’m getting dizzy, man.

DR. MARCOVICH:
Ah! It’s those musicians.

“(I’m Not Your) Steppin’ Stone”

Tag

INT. REMINGTON CLINIC - PHYSICAL THERAPY ROOM

MILO SCHNITZLER:
Dear boys, you saved my life. Thank you.

PETER:
Oh, well, it was nothing.

DAVY:
Well, you know, it was, it was something.

MICKY:
And as for you, Doctor Marcovich, for helping America’s enemies, you should undoubtedly get twenty years from a federal judge.

MIKE:
And not only that, but—not only that, but you’ll probably get a good wrist slapping from the AMA.

MICKY:
And thus, will it always end for men who use their knowledge of medicine for evil and badness.

MIKE:
Come, my trusty cohorts. Let us to the Monkeemobile. Away!

DAVY, MICKY:
Away!

PETER:
Doctor, uh, I-I have this tonsil hanging out ??? sore throat ???

MIKE:
Peter, I said, “Away”!