“Here Come The Monkees (The Pilot)” Script

Act One

EXT. STREET

T.V. INTERVIEWER:
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to our man in the street interview. It’s a wet night tonight, but we’re going to ask a few questions. Uh, you’re—sir, may I ask you a question, please?

TURNER:
Well, surely.

T.V. INTERVIEWER:
Your name, please?

TURNER:
Doctor Turner. Lionel B. Turner.

T.V. INTERVIEWER:
I see. Doctor Turner, recently in our fair city, there have been many acts of violence committed right in the streets in full view of people like yourself.

TURNER:
Disgusting.

T.V. INTERVIEWER:
They have just stood by and watched people being brutally attacked.

TURNER:
Deplorable.

T.V. INTERVIEWER:
What would—how do you feel about that, sir? What—

TURNER:
Disgusting. It’s each man’s solemn duty to protect his fellow citizens.

T.V. INTERVIEWER:
And if you saw a fight or a person being beaten taking place right here in the street—

TURNER:
I would involve myself physically. I would come in fist and feet flying.

DAVY:
Help! Help!

TURNER:
I would give them my ???.

T.V. INTERVIEWER:
I see.

TURNER:
I’ll tell you something right now—

DAVY:
Won’t some—won’t some innocent bystander please help me? How about you, sir?

TURNER:
Ah! Ah! Ah!

T.V. INTERVIEWER:
Doctor Turner! Doctor Turner! Doctor Turner! Heavy man! Doctor Turner! Doctor Turner! Doctor Turner!

TURNER:
Thank you very much. Thank you.

WOMAN:
That will be fifteen cents, please.

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

Act Two

INT. RECORD STORE

RUDY:
Wool Hat, take the boys right over to the Riviera Country Club; you’re going to audition for a Mr. Russell.

MICKY:
Hey, you’re putting us on!

RUDY:
Nope.

MIKE:
Oh, really? That’s just great!

DAVY:
Thanks, Rudy!

RUDY:
Charlie Russell and I were in the Marines together, and it’s his daughter’s sweet sixteen party next week.

DAVY:
You must be joking.

MIKE:
Sweet sixteen.

RUDY:
Hey, wait a minute. If you get it, it may open up a lot of work. And it’s a hundred and fifty bucks cash.

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
♪ When you were sweet sixteen. ♪

EXT. RIVIERA COUNTRY CLUB

PETER:
Here we are.

MICKY:
Everybody out. Let’s go.

DAVY:
This is a lovely place you’ve got here.

INT. RIVIERA COUNTRY CLUB - BALLROOM

VANESSA:
It’s terrible, daddy. You just can’t dance to this music. I mean, nothing happens, you know?

CHARLES RUSSELL:
Now, now, Vanessa; you’re not being fair.

VANESSA:
I don’t even know why you called Rudy; you’re not gonna let The Monkees play at my party.

HELSTROM:
That’s all for tonight, ladies and gentlemen. This is HELSTROM and the Swedish Rhythm Kings saying
♪ Good night, sweetheart ♪
♪ Good night ♪

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
Good night!

MIKE:
Come on.

VANESSA:
You must be The Monkees!

PETER:
That’s us.

DAVY:
Them.

MICKY:
Us?

VANESSA:
I’m VANESSA, and this is my father.

MIKE:
Come on, fellas, let’s go. Davy? Davy? Davy, let’s play.

CHARLES RUSSELL:
I hope they don’t play too loud; I don’t want to lose my membership. Monkees, you say? Yes. There is something primitive about them, Vanessa.

MIKE:
Hey, give me a G. Come on. Quit clowning around. Let’s go.

“I Wanna Be Free”

INT. RIVIERA COUNTRY CLUB - BALLROOM

VANESSA:
Oh, please, daddy, please?

CHARLES RUSSELL:
I never thought I’d betray my country club this way, but… you’re hired.

EXT. RUSSELL HOUSE

DAVY:
I never wanna see you again.

VANESSA:
How about tomorrow night?

DAVY:
But I thought you had to study for your history final.

CHARLES RUSSELL:
I trust this isn’t the start of a trend.

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
Hey, Davy. Where you going, Dave?

DAVY:
I’ve got a date.

PETER:
Got your handkerchief?

MICKY:
Car fare?

MIKE:
Might rain. Better take your galoshes.

DAVY:
Hey, come on, you guys.

MICKY:
Your mother and I have been worried about you for some time now, Davy.

PETER:
Yeah, you’ve been setting a poor example for your baby brother.

MICKY:
Coochie coochie coo, baby, ha ha ha.

MIKE:
Please, son, don’t talk to no strangers after midnight.

EXT. RUSSELL HOUSE

VANESSA:
Davy? I think we’ve started a trend.

INT. RUSSELL HOUSE

CHARLES RUSSELL:
It’s one a.m.! Don’t you have a test tomorrow?

MRS. RUSSELL:
Haven’t you been spending too much time with that boy when you should have been studying?

VANESSA:
Don’t worry; I’ll pass my history final.

INT. RUSSELL HOUSE

VANESSA:
I flunked my history final.

CHARLES RUSSELL:
What?

MRS. RUSSELL:
Dear.

VANESSA:
And now, don’t get excited; I can take a make-up exam.

EXT. BEACH

JILL:
She’s getting a make-up final, but if she flunks that, you’re out of a job.

MICKY:
Well, she’ll pass, won’t she?

JILL:
Uh-uh. Because the only thing she has on her mind is Davy Jones.

MICKY:
Oh, huh.

MICKY:
Come on, we’re in the middle of a game!

PETER:
Hey, Davy—

MIKE:
Leave him alone. Let him go.

PETER:
But he—

MIKE:
He’s uptight. Just let him go.

“I Wanna Be Free”

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
Hey, what’s really the matter?

DAVY:
Well, she’s a groovy kid.

MIKE:
Oh. Yeah, I know.

DAVY:
It’s just that now, now she fails her tests and all.

MIKE:
Come on, she got hung up; you didn’t hang her up.

DAVY:
What’s the difference? She’s in trouble.

MIKE:
Okay. So what do you wanna do?

DAVY:
I wanna help her.

MICKY:
Sure you want to help. I want to help Peter too, but I can’t; he’s a birdbrain.

MIKE:
Alright, fellas, knock it off. I’ve been thinking. Come on. Davy’s right. We should help Vanessa. I hereby declare a board meeting.

INT. BOARDROOM

MIKE:
Gentlemen, I have bad news. The firm of Vanessa, Russell, and Vanessa is failing rapidly.

PETER:
Good heavens! We’ll be wiped out!

MICKY:
Unless we revitalize our firm by sending in our most brilliant man.

DAVY:
Me? You must be joking!

MIKE:
You’re the only one qualified.

MICKY:
You’re absolutely right, chief.

MIKE:
Good luck, Jones, and godspeed. Gentlemen, the meeting is adjourned.

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
Look like we need a new gavel.

DAVY:
You guys must be out of your birds. H-how am I gonna help Vanessa with her history? Her old man won’t even let me in the house.

MICKY:
Simple. We get her out of the house.

EXT. RUSSELL HOUSE

MIKE:
Thank you for the donation to the gift shop, Mr. Russell.

CHARLES RUSSELL:
You’re welcome. You’re welcome.

VANESSA:
Hi there!

DAVY:
Hello, love.

Act Three

INT. RUSSELL HOUSE

CHARLES RUSSELL:
All I know is early this morning, she was gone.

RUDY:
Jill, what do you know about this?

JILL:
The boys are only trying to help Vanessa pass her final.

EXT. BEACH

VANESSA:
Davy, it’s cold.

DAVY:
Hey, Vanessa. Hey, Vanessa, look at this.

MICKY:
♪ When Patrick Henry was in Virginia ♪

MICKY, PETER:
♪ He made a speech we all recall ♪

MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
♪ He said to the people of a Charlottetown ♪

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
♪ United we stand, divided we fall ♪

EXT. PARK

VANESSA:
Oh, Davy, it’s so quiet and peaceful here.

MIKE:
Alexander Hamilton, you have accused me of treason, therefore, I challenge you to this duel.

MICKY:
Correct, Aaron Burr, you are a blaggard.

PETER:
Eight, nine, ten.

VANESSA:
Oh, I think you’re all crazy and wonderful.

CHARLES RUSSELL:
Oh, there you are, Vanessa!

DAVY:
Holy cow, it’s Mr. Russell!

MICKY:
Come on!

CHARLES RUSSELL:
You come with me!

DAVY:
Remember, Vanessa, December the sixteenth, seventeen seventy-three, was the date of the—

INT. COOPER’S CLASSROOM

VANESSA:
—Boston Tea Party.

COOPER:
Perfect, just perfect, Vanessa. Every question answered correctly. What’s the matter? You don’t look very happy about it.

VANESSA:
COOPER, would you believe me if I told you I owed it all to a, a Monkee, and that my father’s prejudiced?

COOPER:
Child, you must have worked very hard.

INT. RIVIERA COUNTRY CLUB - BALLROOM

COOPER:
So, in a way, you ought to be grateful to The Monkees. Apparently, they succeeded where I failed.

CHARLES RUSSELL:
I’m sorry, but I cannot permit them to come in here.

VANESSA:
But, daddy, they’re my friends!

EXT. RIVIERA COUNTRY CLUB

GUARD:
Hey, hey. Wh-what do you fellas want?

DAVY:
VANESSA invited us.

MIKE:
Yeah.

GUARD:
Sure she did. Now, beat it. Go on!

MIKE:
You’re evil!

INT. RIVIERA COUNTRY CLUB - BALLROOM

CHARLES RUSSELL:
Please, Vanessa, no tears.

VANESSA:
I wanna go home.

CHARLES RUSSELL:
What are you crying about?

MRS. RUSSELL:
The music’s so sad.

EXT. RIVIERA COUNTRY CLUB

DAVY:
Alright, chaps, all clear. Let’s have at it. Up and over.

CHARLES RUSSELL:
Were The Monkees here?

GUARD:
Uh, a minute ago. I did just as you said, sir.

CHARLES RUSSELL:
Oh, um, well, it’s just as well.

GUARD:
Hey! What are you doing there?

MIKE:
If they catch us, it means a life sentence.

MICKY:
I don’t want to go back in that hole.

DAVY:
You dirty, rotten screw!

PETER:
You’ll never take us alive!

MICKY:
Come and get us, guard! Come and get us! Come and get us!

CHARLES RUSSELL:
What seems to be the trouble?

DAVY:
It’s Mr. Russell and the guard.

CHARLES RUSSELL:
Okay, I’ll talk to them.

MICKY:
Let’s split!

CHARLES RUSSELL:
Boys, boys! Wait, I wanna talk to you! Just a min—

INT. RIVIERA COUNTRY CLUB - BAR

CHARLES RUSSELL:
Did you see any Monkees?

DRUNK:
See what?

CHARLES RUSSELL:
Monkees, Monkees!

DRUNK:
Really, Russell, old boy, you’ve been hitting the booze too hard.

CHARLES RUSSELL:
Ah!

INT. RIVIERA COUNTRY CLUB - CARD ROOM

CHARLES RUSSELL:
Excuse me, are The Monkees in here?

PAUL BRADLEY:
Shh!

DAVY:
Okay, Wyatt, what ya got?

PETER:
Three ladies.

DAVY:
No good. A straight to the ten.

MICKY:
Afraid you lose, Bat. All red ones.

MIKE:
Hold it. That’s my pot; I got a chandelier.

MICKY:
A chan—a chandelier? What’s that?

PAUL BRADLEY:
It’s your play.

MIKE:
Shh.

INT. RIVIERA COUNTRY CLUB

GUARD:
There they go, sir!

MICKY:
It’s Russell! Come on!

CHARLES RUSSELL:
Stop, boys, stop!

CHARLES RUSSELL (V.O.):
Let me talk to you.

INT. RIVIERA COUNTRY CLUB - BAR

DRUNK:
Stop! You don’t happen to be The Monkees, do you, old chaps?

INT. RIVIERA COUNTRY CLUB - GAME ROOM

WOMAN:
You play beautifully.

MICKY:
I know it!

INT. RIVIERA COUNTRY CLUB

CHARLES RUSSELL:
What’s the matter? What happened?

GUARD:
[mumbles]

INT. RIVIERA COUNTRY CLUB - BALLROOM

VANESSA:
The Monkees! Davy?

DAVY:
Your old man’s chasing us.

GUARD:
They’re trapped, sir.

CHARLES RUSSELL:
You, you don’t understand. They’re invited!

GUARD:
Invited? You sold out, sir. Your country club and yourself!

VANESSA:
Daddy, please tell him he can stay, please.

CHARLES RUSSELL:
I’ve sold out!

DAVY:
Merci, mon capitan. And now in gratitude, we must play.

MICKY:
How are we going to get Sven and the Rhythm Kings off the bandstand?

MIKE:
Ladies and gentlemen, your attention, please. I regret to inform you that Norway has just declared war on Sweden, and all Swedish nationals are to report to their embassy.

HELSTROM:
One, two. One, two. One, two.

“Let’s Dance On”

INT. RIVIERA COUNTRY CLUB - BALLROOM

T.V. INTERVIEWER:
Your name, please? Your name, please? I’m conducting a man in the ballroom interview. Can I have your name? Can I have your name?

CHARLES RUSSELL:
I’m in terrible pain, but I like it.

MRS. RUSSELL:
Oh, Charles.

T.V. INTERVIEWER:
Please, I’ve got to get an interview!

VANESSA:
Hey, you really swing!

T.V. INTERVIEWER:
Give me an interview! Please, this will ruin me! Don’t be that way to me! Look, I can do it!

TURNER:
Thin, thin, thin! Thin, thin, thin!

WOMAN:
And to think we met crossing the street.

MICKY:
Davy! Get him!

DAVY:
Come on, fellas! I was only joking!

Tag

INT. RANTHA MANSION - BALLROOM

MICKY:
Hi. Uh, tonight, the—we’re a minute short, as usual, so we’re gonna show you two spontaneous, unrehearsed, uh, screen tests that were done of Mike and Davy before The Monkees—we started filming, before we, like, knew what was all going to happen. These were two screen tests that we did, and they’re in black and white, so don’t worry, the color is okay. What do you talk so much for?

INT. SET

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Hey Davy, let me ask you one thing. Did you start off, like, are you a Kentucky colonel’s son? I mean—

DAVY:
No, my father’s a fitter.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
A what?

DAVY:
He’s an engineer, uh, he’s an engineer on the railways, you know, you—

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
How did you get into show business? How did that all start out?

DAVY:
Oh, I used to act at school and whatnot, and, uh, they said I should be an actor, but I wanted to be a jockey.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
How did you get started on that?

DAVY:
Uh, well, I’ll tell you about that. I just, you know, I-I-I always used to watch it on the TV, you see. I used to ride so many winners each week watching it on the television. My father said I-I ought to be a jockey. I see somebody coming around the back there is gonna do me in two minutes flat. Um, heh heh. So anyway, I, um, I decided I wanted to be a jockey, so I left school when I was fourteen and a half, went to be a jockey. I, uh, practiced for about, uh, re—well, rehearsed. Listen to me. I, uh, I practiced to be a jockey for about six, seven months, then I finally got on a horse and started to ride.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Yeah.

DAVY:
I thought this was the life.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Yeah.

DAVY:
In the rain, you know, five o’clock in the morning and everything like that. So I, uh—

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Did you make any money?

DAVY:
Uh, yeah, but not, not riding I didn’t, because you have to serve an apprenticeship for five years.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Hey Davy, jockeys aren’t big guys, are they?

DAVY:
No.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
How tall are you anyway?

DAVY:
Uh, fi—about five three, yeah.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Do girls like that size or what?

MAN (O.S.):
In boots.

DAVY:
Well, you know.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Do you have trouble adjusting things?

DAVY:
What?

MAN (O.S.):
In boots, you’re five three.

DAVY:
Uh. Ha ha ha. In boots, I’m five three. Yeah. Uh, no, I don’t get—have trouble adjusting. I kind of like tall girls, yeah. Uh, it’s kind of groovy, but—

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
No, I didn’t ask you that, Davy.

DAVY:
Yeah.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
I asked you whether or not they like you.

DAVY:
Ha ha ha.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
You haven’t got any hair on your face.

DAVY:
No. That—uh, that’s a funny bit. I went into hospital, had my appendix out, you see, and I go into the hospital, and she says, “Okay, shaving time”.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Alright, Davy.

DAVY:
I says, I says, “I don’t—”

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
??? Haven’t you got any clean thoughts? You look like such a clean kid.

DAVY:
I am a clean kid. You know, they made me put my hair over my ears and all this shtick. I’m really a clean-cut kid, you know.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Yeah.

DAVY:
And, uh, they made me do this.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Take off the hat, will ya? I want to see what the hair looks like.

DAVY:
Doesn’t look great.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
What—hey, Davy, let me ask, what bag are you in?

DAVY:
What what?

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
What bag are you in?

DAVY:
Bag?

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Yeah.

DAVY:
I don’t get that.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Alright, let me ask you something. I mean, like, do you make a folk sound or a rock sound or anything like that?

DAVY:
I make a terrible sound, but you know. No.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Hey, let me see you do the song and dance you do.

DAVY:
Song and dance I do?

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
A cartwheel, something. Do something, quick!

DAVY:
A song and—you must be joking.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
No, I’m not.

DAVY:
What do you want—what do you want me to do? Sing?

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
A dance. One of your little, quick things. Hey Davy, you want to know something? Honestly. Hold it for a second.

DAVY:
What?

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
I really think you should have been a jockey.

DAVY:
Ha ha ha ha ha!

INT. SET

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Shut the door, will you, Mike?

MIKE:
Good evening, Ed.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Shut the door. Mike, sit down somewhere. I want to ask you a lot of questions about yourself. Tell us what your name is.

MIKE:
My name is Michael Blessing.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
No, I want to hear the truth.

MIKE:
No, that’s it, man, I’m telling you. It’s a pseudonym.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
How did you get to Nesmith?

MIKE:
Well, uh, Nesmith is my real name.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Well, how’d you get to Blessing?

MIKE:
It’s a pseudonym.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
How’d you happen to pick Blessing?

MIKE:
Well, uh, why are you asking me that? It’s weird. Get on something else. Makes me very uptight.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Get on to something self by yourself.

MIKE:
Okay, um—

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Tell me the Colonel Mallory story.

MIKE:
No, uh, because that’s a very dumb story. However, I will tell you about the time that I was in the Air Force, and I tumped over a general’s airplane. One time, I was in the Air Force—

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
I don’t believe it.

MIKE:
—and, no, I turned over the general’s airplane. That’s about the time—

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Turned over?

MIKE:
Yeah, that’s about the time I was in the general’s airplane.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Tell me the Colonel Mall—the Colonel Mallory story.

MIKE:
That’s it, man. That’s all the story.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Mike, let me ask you something, seriously, now. Why do you do this kind of business?

MIKE:
What’s that?

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Play the music.

MIKE:
Well, I mean—

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
How’d you get to it?

MIKE:
Why do they call that a light? I don’t know. That’s just where it’s at.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Well, how’d you get to it? How long ago?

MIKE:
About two years.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
You just came to it two years ago?

MIKE:
Mm-hm.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
What, what before then?

MIKE:
I was a failure.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Yeah, but did you work at that?

MIKE:
Yeah.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
How did you—

MIKE:
Me, I just didn’t do anything. I was a failure. Um.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Do you think you’re a goof?

MIKE:
Do you?

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
No.

MIKE:
Well, see, it depends on what you think.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Do I think you’re a goof?

MIKE:
Yeah.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
No.

MIKE:
Well, okay, see, then that’s where it’s at. If you think I’m a goof, man, I’m a goof. You know, what I think is what I am, aight. And I don’t think I’m a goof.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
I don’t think you’re a goof.

MIKE:
Right. Okay. I think I’m out of work, and I hope I get this series. But a goof? No, I’m not a goof.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Let me ask you this, you have any ego hang-ups?

MIKE:
Yeah, a lot of ego hang-ups. I’ve got a few eagle hangers, and got—

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Got ego hang-ups with me right now?

MIKE:
Now, listen, wait a minute. I mean, really, if you’re really tight about me sitting in the chair, babe, I’m sorry, but I really want to see what’s in this, because when I go home, I’m gonna say, “Hey, on The Farmer’s Daughter, you know what’s in that drawer?” That’s gonna be a gas.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
You may be the only one who’s ever been in that drawer, Mike.

MIKE:
I’m not, because there’s stuff in it.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Mike, come back here, will ya?

MIKE:
Well, wait a minute. Ooh, wow! Are you ready for this?

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Okay, go ahead, do the butler bit.

MIKE:
No, I was gonna ??? I’m telling you.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Mike, let me ask you something. Do you think you can play another part, a part of another guy?

MIKE:
Of what? Of what is that? What do you want me to be, strong and silent?

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Yeah, be strong and silent. And Wool—Wool Hat, now be a girl.

MIKE:
Okay.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Mike, they’re the same thing.

MIKE:
Well, I mean, that’s your hang-up, man, not mine. I mean, I know where it’s at.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Were you ever a strong and silent girl before?

MIKE:
Have you ever ask that—