“Monkees in a Ghost Town” Script

Act One

EXT. DESERT

PETER:
[coughs]

MIKE:
Man, I’ve heard of out-of-town jobs before, but this is ridiculous. How much farther we gotta go?

MICKY:
Hey, you passed the gas station. Was the drug store on the corner yet?

DAVY:
Yeah, about a hundred and fifty miles back.

MICKY:
Oh, that’s… where we should have turned left.

MIKE:
I can’t help wishing you’d mentioned that a little bit sooner, man, we’re almost out of gas. … Yep, we’re outta gas.

EXT. GHOST TOWN

MIKE:
Oh. Well, it’s a nice place to visit, I wouldn’t wanna live here.

PETER:
Cross at the green, not in between.

DAVY:
He’s been out in the sun too long.

MICKY:
He was no bargain in the shade.

MIKE:
Hey, look, uh, Peter, you and Micky go up this end of town, and Davy, you and I’ll go down this end, for some gas or something maybe.

MICKY:
Come on.

DAVY:
See you later.

EXT. GHOST TOWN

MIKE:
Did you see anything?

DAVY:
No, and I don’t mind telling you it’s making me nervous.

BLACK BART (MIKE):
Nervous, eh? Slade, you’re a yellow-livered coward.

SLADE (MIKE):
So Kincaid paid a hired killer to come and get me.

KINCAID (DAVY):
That’s right, Slade. I paid him five hundred dollars for your life.

SLADE (MIKE):
Five hundred dollars, huh? Well, I’ve only got three words for you, Black Bart.

BLACK BART (MIKE):
Yeah? What are they?

SLADE (MIKE):
Six hundred dollars?

BLACK BART (MIKE):
Kincaid, you’re a yellow-livered coward.

EXT. GHOST TOWN

PETER:
I guess they used this to call cowboys to supper.

MICKY:
What do you want that old thing for?

PETER:
I used to play one of these in high school.

INT. JAIL

LENNY:
There’s somebody out there.

EXT. GHOST TOWN

MICKY:
Really neat.

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

Act Two

INT. BARN

PETER:
Micky? Mick-Micky?

MICKY:
Gotcha now, marshal.

EXT. GHOST TOWN

DAVY:
Hey, man, if this is a ghost town, what do you call that?

MIKE:
Well, offhand, I’d say it’s a circle of bullets around our feet.

GEORGE:
Alright, you guys, hoist ’em. … You heard me, reach!

MIKE:
Say, uh, you’re pretty tough with a gun in your hand, aren’t ya?

LENNY:
Heh heh, you think so, huh? Well, you oughta see him with a cigarette hanging out of this corner of his mouth. Heh heh heh. Yeah, here, George, now you show ’em that mean look you can get when you squint your eyes. … Go on, George!

GEORGE:
Oh, come on!

MIKE:
Uh, hey, look, we gotta split.

GEORGE:
Lenny, give ’em your famous line.

LENNY:
You ain’t going no place!

GEORGE:
I’m not so sure they’re alone; you keep these two on ice while I look around.

LENNY:
Eh eh, but George… where am I gonna get ice on the desert?

MIKE:
Hey, look, what do you want?

LENNY:
What do I want? I want what any man wants; I want a job, and security, and a home, yeah, and PTA meetings, and cookouts on weekends. That’s what I want. Can, can you give me all of that?

MIKE:
Well, no.

LENNY:
Then… shut up! Hey, now, come on, get out of here.

DAVY:
Oh!

LENNY:
Get out of here. Come ’ere.

INT. BARN

PETER:
First we get lost and run out of gas, and then Mike and Davy disappear, and then somebody starts shooting off with a machine gun, and now this guy is searching the town.

MICKY:
That’s for the benefit of any of you who’ve tuned in late. Now, back to our story!

INT. JAIL

LENNY:
Eh, eh, George? George? Tell me how it’s gonna to be when the Big Man gets here.

GEORGE:
Okay, Lenny, I’ll tell ya.

LENNY:
Eh eh, go on, George.

GEORGE:
When the Big Man gets here, we’re gonna take our cut, and we’re gonna scram outta here.

LENNY:
Take our cut.

GEORGE:
What about the kids?

DAVY:
Yeah, what about the kids?

MIKE:
Yeah!

LENNY:
Why should you get a cut? You never done nothing!

GEORGE:
I mean about knocking ’em off! Never mind. We’ll let the Big Man worry about that; it’s his caper.

LENNY:
Eh, we never seen him. Wonder how come he give us this job?

EXT. JAIL

MICKY:
Hey! I got an idea!

INT. JAIL

DAVY:
I wonder what happened to Micky and Peter?

MIKE:
Maybe they come see us on visiting day.

LENNY:
Eh, George, I wish the Big Man was here.

GEORGE:
Take it easy, Lenny; he’ll get here when he’s ready.

PETER (AS SPIDER):
He’s ready. Okay, boss.

MICKY (AS THE BIG MAN):
Alright, neeeh. Where is everybody? This place looks like a ghost town! Ah ha ha ha ha.

PETER:
Ha ha ha ha.

GEORGE:
Who are you?

MICKY (AS THE BIG MAN):
Ah ha ha ha, that’s rich! Bright boy wants to know who I am. I like that; it shows he’s a bright boy.

LENNY:
You ain’t the… Big Man?

PETER (AS SPIDER):
They don’t come no bigger.

LENNY:
Well, boss, eh eh, sure am glad to see you.

GEORGE:
We didn’t think you were gonna make it.

PETER (AS SPIDER):
Nobody touches the Big Man’s trigger finger.

MICKY (AS THE BIG MAN):
Alright, where’s the dough?

GEORGE:
Oh, it’s right over here, boss.

MICKY (AS THE BIG MAN):
Who are they?

LENNY:
Oh, a couple of kids that stumbled in on us.

MICKY (AS THE BIG MAN):
Well, give Spider the keys, and he’ll take care of the kids in the cell. Won’t ya, Spider? Won’t ya, Spider?

PETER (AS SPIDER):
Huh? What?

MICKY (AS THE BIG MAN):
Spider, the kids in the cell.

PETER (AS SPIDER):
Yeah, right, the kids in the cell.

GEORGE:
What a minute, I didn’t hear no car; how’d you get here?

MICKY (AS THE BIG MAN):
How’d we get here with no car? Ha ha, we, uh, coasted up, we coasted up because that saves on gas. Especially during the getaways, you know. You know, which reminds me, I think we left the motor running in the car, Spider. We better go check on it, yes, and we’ll see you guys later.

GEORGE:
Wait a minute. Give ’em your famous line, Lenny.

LENNY:
Uh, you, you ain’t going no place!

PETER (AS SPIDER):
Wait a minute, he, he’s the Big Man, and I’m Spider!

MICKY (AS THE BIG MAN):
And I’m the Big Man!

LENNY:
I oughta smash you.

PETER (AS SPIDER):
You can’t step on a spider.

LENNY:
Why not?

PETER:
It’ll rain.

LENNY:
Alright, you stand right there. Trying to fool George and me. Come on. You, you get in there. Yeah. Ah.

GEORGE:
Oh, uh, and boys, uh, if I were you, I wouldn’t try to get out. There’s nothing around here but miles of desert. Have fun.

DAVY:
Huh, fun in the desert; that’s all we need.

PETER:
Yeah, fun in the desert. Heh.

“Tomorrow’s Gonna Be Another Day”

Act Three

INT. JAIL

LENNY:
Onesies, twosies, three—ohh. George, when do you think the real Big Man’s gonna come?

GEORGE:
The real Big Man oughta be here any minute! We oughta keep an eye out for him. Come on.

MICKY:
It’s a shovel!

PETER:
So what? We don’t have a sandbox.

MICKY:
Hey Lenny! Hey, Lenny, can we see you a minute? If we get the shovel, we can dig our way outta here.

LENNY:
Yeah, uh, what do ya want?

MICKY:
Hey, well, what kind of jail is this anyway? There’s no exercise period. Boo! Boo!

MIKE:
Yeah!

DAVY:
Yeah!

LENNY:
Oh, you want exercise before you get bumped off? Well, you just jump up and down, and up and down, right there in your cell.

MICKY:
No, hey, hey, we want to play baseball!

LENNY:
Oh, I ain’t go no bat, and now don’t bother me.

MICKY:
We could use a shovel.

LENNY:
Well, how-how could you play ball in a cell?

MICKY:
Well, we’ll bunt a lot.

PETER:
Oh, hey, thanks.

MICKY:
Yeah, great, thanks a lot.

PETER:
Thanks, Lenny.

MICKY:
Hey, can we use your ball?

GEORGE:
Oh! Oh! Yeah, but don’t you lose it.

MICKY:
Oh no, I won’t lose it.

GEORGE:
Okay.

MICKY:
Hey, we won’t, don’t worry.

PETER:
Thanks, Lenny.

MICKY:
Here, give me the shovel; we’ll take turns.

PETER:
I thought we were gonna play baseball!

MIKE:
First we’ll escape, then we’ll play baseball.

DAVY:
Hey, wait a minute. We’ll have to cover up the sound of our digging somehow, or they’ll hear us.

MIKE:
Well, we could play.

“Papa Gene’s Blues”

INT. JAIL

PETER:
Hey, guys, the cell next door is much nicer.

MICKY:
We gotta find another way to escape.

GEORGE:
How’d they get that shovel?

LENNY:
They only wanted to play ball.

GEORGE:
Gimme that!

INT. JAIL

GEORGE:
… You guys’ll be using this shovel to dig your own graves!

LENNY:
Who, who’s that?

GEORGE:
The Big Man!

LENNY:
Ah.

BESSIE KOWALSKI:
Alright, punks. Where’s the loot?

GEORGE:
Come on, lady, the PTA meeting’s down the block.

BESSIE KOWALSKI:
You gotta be George. You got a big mouth.

GEORGE:
That’s right, who are you?

BESSIE KOWALSKI:
Well, I ain’t the welcome wagon.

LENNY:
You ain’t the, ain’t the Big Man?

BESSIE KOWALSKI:
Nah, I’m the Big Woman: the Big Man’s wife.

LENNY:
Then, where’s your husband?

BESSIE KOWALSKI:
He got too big. Now I’m the Big Man.

GEORGE:
I don’t believe her, Lenny, any more than these kids. I think you gotta be their mother. Hey!

BESSIE KOWALSKI:
Don’t ever call me that.

GEORGE:
Oh, you! Hey! Wait—ahh!

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
[cheering]

BESSIE KOWALSKI:
What is this, a boy scout camp? Never mind, get rid of them.

GEORGE:
You heard the Big Man. Go ahead, knock ’em off! Quick, before they start singing again!

BESSIE KOWALSKI:
Singing?

LENNY:
Yeah, they were singing before.

BESSIE KOWALSKI:
Oh yeah? Hey, you boys singers? You ever worked professionally?

MIKE:
Uh, yes, ma’am, we’re a group. Uh, we’re The Monkees.

BESSIE KOWALSKI:
Oh, a chimp act, huh?

MIKE:
No. Say, you sound like you know show business.

BESSIE KOWALSKI:
Show business? Sonny, thirty years ago, the name Bessie Kowalski brought a throb to millions of hearts.

PETER:
I’ll bet you had a lot of heart, Bessie.

BESSIE KOWALSKI:
Thank you, sonny. You’re a nice, sensitive boy. Lenny?

LENNY:
Yeah?

BESSIE KOWALSKI:
Take ’em out and shoot ’em.

DAVY:
Hey, wait a minute! As one singing act to another, maybe you’ll give us one last request.

BESSIE KOWALSKI:
I don’t do requests. Lenny?

MICKY:
In just a little while, we’ll be far away in the playdium up in the sky. But before we go, we’d like to do just one more encore.

BESSIE KOWALSKI:
Sure, sonny, I know how it is; once a trooper, always a trooper. Lenny, let ’em do their number… then shoot ’em.

PETER:
Bessie, we’d be honored if you’d do the, the number with us.

INT. SALOON

BESSIE KOWALSKI:
♪ Everybody loves my baby ♪
♪ But my baby don’t love nobody but me ♪
♪ Nobody but me ♪

MIKE:
Well, that’s okay, Bessie, uh, we’ll uh, try something a little more up.

BESSIE KOWALSKI:
Oh, good idea, good idea.

MIKE:
Sing that for sure.

BESSIE KOWALSKI:
♪ Hi neighbor, hi neighbor ♪
♪ What do ya know, and what do ya say? ♪
♪ Hi neighbor, hi neighbor ♪
♪ Throw all your troubles away ♪
♪ Come on and… ♪

MIKE:
There’s a telephone over there; go use it.

BESSIE KOWALSKI:
♪ …shake my hand and let a grin do the rest ♪
♪ It makes you feel so grand to get your chin off your chest ♪
♪ I’m shout… ♪

EXT. INDIAN CAMP

INDIAN CHIEF:
Hello?

DAVY (V.O.):
We’re being held prisoner in a ghost town.

INDIAN CHIEF:
Me can not help. Me primitive Indian chief. Know nothing about white man’s problems.

INT. SALOON - HALLWAY

DAVY:
But you’ve gotta help!

EXT. INDIAN CAMP

INDIAN CHIEF:
Wait a minute. Other phone ringing. Me put you on hold.

DAVY (V.O.):
Hello?

INT. SALOON - HALLWAY

DAVY:
Hello?

GEORGE:
Come on, you’ll listen with the rest of us.

BESSIE KOWALSKI (O.S.):
♪ …It makes you feel so grand to get your… ♪

DAVY:
Oh, hello.

INT. SALOON

BESSIE KOWALSKI:
♪ …chin off your chest ♪
♪ I’m shouting hi neighbor, hi neighbor ♪
♪ Time to play and say hi ♪
Okay, Lenny. Now let’s rub ’em out.

MIKE:
Wait a minute, Bessie. Do you know you can get the chair for this?

BESSIE KOWALSKI:
No, I don’t think I remember that one. But let’s do “Everybody Loves My Baby” again, that’s a good one. Come on.
♪ Everybody loves my baby ♪
♪ But my baby don’t love nobody but me ♪
♪ Nobody but me ♪
♪ Everybody wants my baby… ♪

LENNY:
You know, George, I think I’m falling in love… with the Big Man.

BESSIE KOWALSKI:
♪ …But my baby don’t want nobody but me ♪
♪ It’s plain to see… ♪

GEORGE:
You know how she bumped off Mr. Big? She sang him to death.

BESSIE KOWALSKI:
♪ …That’s why everybody loves my baby ♪
♪ But my baby don’t love nobody but me ♪
♪ Nobody but me… ♪

MIKE:
Uh, look, I hate to tell you this…

DAVY:
Uh, you want me to use the phone again, right?

MIKE:
Right.

INT. SALOON - HALLWAY

EXT. TOWN

CHESTER:
Hello? This is Chester.

INT. SALOON - HALLWAY

DAVY:
This is David Jones. We’ve got a serious problem.

EXT. TOWN

CHESTER:
Problem, huh? I better get Mr. Dillon.

DAVY (V.O.):
Marshal Dillon?

CHESTER:
No, Bob Dylan; he can write a song about your problem.

INT. SALOON - HALLWAY

DAVY:
Oh! Hello?

EXT. TOWN

DAVY (V.O.):
Hello?

INT. SALOON - HALLWAY

DAVY:
Oh, hello. I’m trying to get her an agent.

INT. SALOON

BESSIE KOWALSKI:
♪ …But my baby don’t want nobody but me ♪
♪ That’s plain to see! ♪
Ah! Okay, fellas; the recital’s over.

MIKE:
Oh, wait a minute, Bessie! You, you’re doing beautiful. Uh you, uh, uh, look—we do things different nowadays, you see. And uh, and, and, uh, try this, you can do this, this is, uh.

BESSIE KOWALSKI:
Yeah, I can do this. Hit it!
♪ Hey, hey, we’re the Monkees ♪
♪ And people say we Monkee around ♪
♪ But we’re too busy singing ♪
♪ To put anybody down ♪
Hey, come on, you mugs! Join in!

LENNY:
Ah!

GEORGE:
Ah, come on!

MIKE:
Come on, Lenny! Come on up and play with us!

BESSIE KOWALSKI:
Come on!

LENNY:
Ha ha, alright.

DAVY:
Eh, come on, man! Here you are, Lenny, try these, here you are. Here. Here.

LENNY:
Well…

MICKY:
Y-you got the gun! Use it!

GEORGE:
Don’t shoot!

MIKE:
Keep singing, Bessie! Keep singing!

BESSIE KOWALSKI:
♪ Hey, hey, we’re the Monkees ♪
♪ And people say we Monkees around… ♪

LENNY:
Don’t shoot! You’ll hit the Big Man!

BESSIE KOWALSKI:
♪ …But we’re too busy singing ♪
♪ To put anybody down… ♪

PETER:
Hey, we shouldn’t be here behind a bar; we’re too young.

MICKY:
So go out there.

PETER:
That’s what I said; we’re fine right where we are.

MICKY:
Very, very good! Now knock the rest of the bottles off the wall and win the little lady a kewpie doll.

BESSIE KOWALSKI:
♪ …But we’re too busy singing… ♪

MICKY:
Now this is the moment when the calvary usually rides up.

INT. SALOON

MICKY:
Don’t trust the calvary.

BESSIE KOWALSKI:
♪ …But we’re too busy singing… ♪

GEORGE:
They can’t hit us from there; we’ll just wait ’em out.

PETER:
Hey, doesn’t that gun ever run out of bullets?

DAVY:
Hey, it can’t; we’re the good guys. … I guess we’re not so good after all.

GEORGE:
I never seen shooting like that in my life.

LENNY:
He’s good, George.

GEORGE:
Ah, we give up! Uh, don’t shoot!

MICKY:
Alright, Spider, give ’em your famous line.

PETER:
You guys ain’t… you guys ain’t going nowhere!

Tag

INT. SALOON

BESSIE KOWALSKI:
You wouldn’t do this to Barbra Streisand.

COP:
You boys performed a real public service.

BESSIE KOWALSKI:
Right, they brought me out of retirement! Hey, you’ll be glad to know that while we’re in stir, the boys and I are gonna work up a new act.

PETER:
Alright!

MICKY:
Outta sight!

BESSIE KOWALSKI:
Hey, hey, what do you think of the name Bessie and the Bullets?

DAVY:
Bessie and the Bullets?

BESSIE KOWALSKI:
Yeah!

PETER:
Perfect.

MIKE:
Let’s go.

PETER:
Couldn’t be better.

MICKY:
See you later, Bessie.

DAVY:
Bye, buh-bye.

EXT. SALOON

COP:
Hey fellas.

DAVY:
Yeah?

COP:
You’ll be happy to know there’s a reward for the capture of this crowd. Take this ticket to the police station.

DAVY:
Oh, gee, thanks.

MIKE:
Yeah, we can use the money.

DAVY:
Heh heh. Buh-bye.

COP:
Hey, is that your car?

DAVY:
Yeah, isn’t she a beauty?

COP:
Well, boys, she’s in a no parking zone.

MICKY:
No parking zone?

COP:
And you crossed against the lights.

MICKY:
What do you mean, parking?

COP:
One more thing, performing in a cabaret without a license.

PETER:
Without a—we don’t—there’s no cabarets—this is a ghost town, man, you—

MIKE:
Well, uh, well, I guess that’ll about take care of it. Heh.

DAVY, MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
Well, that’s show business!

INT. SET

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Hey Mike, show’s over, what are you doing, babe?

MIKE:
Putting up, putting a name there on the back of a chair.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
What is it?

MIKE:
Lauren St. David is the name.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Why? Why, I mean, why, why you put that, uh, name on the chair?

MIKE:
Lauren St. David?

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Yeah.

MIKE:
Uh, I don’t want anybody to recognize me.

DAVY:
What is this? Somebody, please? Sir?

PETER:
Anybody, speak out.

DAVY:
Mr. Cameraman?

MAN (O.S.):
Half-net.

DAVY:
Half-net. Everybody, this is a half-net.

PETER:
Not a “hoff-net”, you idiot, it’s a ha

MICKY:
What’s this?

DAVY:
Now, this here—

MICKY:
This is a blue gel.

DAVY:
Now this is a, a messed-up, double—

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Hey, Davy? Davy, wait a minute. What, if, if you saw that thing, and you didn’t know what it was, what would you guess it was?

DAVY:
In my opinion, I’d say that was a K. And I just did it.

PETER:
No, you got it the wrong way around. It’s the electronic symbol for a transistor.

DAVY:
Or, if you put it that way, if you—

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Hey Mike, there’s a whole bunch of them by your feet. What are they?

MIKE:
This here?

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Yeah.

MIKE:
Uh. They’re a, uh, deck of cards in disguise.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
A what?

MIKE:
Deck of cards in disguise.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Alright.

PETER:
Alright, do a card trick, Mike. Do a card trick.

MIKE:
You want me to do a card trick?

PETER:
Do a card trick. Do a card trick. Do a card trick.

MIKE:
Uh, I gotta shuffle ’em first. Didn’t see that, did ya?

MIKE:
Okay. Pick a card, any card.

PETER:
Any card?

MIKE:
Any card.

PETER:
Just any card anywhere?

MIKE:
Any, any card you wanna pick!

DAVY:
Uh, they’re not real cards, though.

PETER:
Shh!

MIKE:
Cool it, will ya please? Okay, you look at it?

PETER:
Yep.

MIKE:
It’s the uh, king of spades.

DAVY:
How—

PETER:
How, how did you know?

DAVY:
Come on!

PETER:
Come on, how did you know?

MIKE:
It’s the only one missing.

PETER:
I don’t believe it.

DAVY:
Ah, get out.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Good night, fellas.

MIKE:
Good night.

DAVY:
Good night!