“The Spy Who Came in from the Cool” Script

EXT. STREET

DAVY:
Look, fellas, please let me have a new set of maracas.

MICKY:
But you’ve already got a pair of maracas, man.

MIKE:
Yeah, besides, Davy, you ought to save your money for a rainy day.

MICKY:
Right.

MIKE:
Yeah.

PETER:
Hey, I think it’s gonna rain.

INT. MUSIC SHOP

BORIS:
Madame Olinsky, I have fixed the microfilm inside the maracas.

MADAME:
Very good! Remember, your contact is a short man. He will ask you for some red maracas. You will reply, “I have some for six dollars”. He will say, “But I can only give you fifty cents”. You will say, “They’re yours”.

BORIS:
But, Madame—

MADAME:
I know, Boris; we lose money on the maracas, but we make it back on the microfilm.

EXT. STREET

DAVY:
Mike?

MIKE:
What?

DAVY:
I just saw a fella talking to a popsicle.

MIKE:
Oh, yeah. Let me know if the popsicle talks back.

INT. MUSIC SHOP

BORIS:
I will show you out.

MADAME:
No! Don’t you realize there’s a CIS man watching this shop?

BORIS:
How do you know he is a CIS man?

MADAME:
I saw him talking to a popsicle. I use the secret exit.

BORIS:
So that’s the secret exit. Hm! I was sure it was through the accordion.

DAVY:
I’d like to buy a pair of maracas, please. No, have you got any red ones?

BORIS:
Oh, yes, you are very short. Now what did you say you wanted?

DAVY:
A pair of red maracas.

BORIS:
I have a pair for six dollars.

DAVY:
I’ve only got fifty cents.

BORIS:
They’re yours.

MICKY:
Maracas for fifty cents?

BORIS:
We make it up on the microfilm. Hey, comrade. Use the secret exit.

DAVY:
The secret exit?

BORIS:
Through the harp.

DAVY:
The harp?

MICKY:
Oh. I could have sworn it was through the accordion.

MIDGET:
I am looking for a pair of red maracas.

BORIS:
Oh, I think I’ve made a terrible mistake.

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

INT. DISCOTHEQUE

“The Kind of Girl I Could Love”

BORIS:
Madame, are you sure we need these disguises?

MADAME:
Of course we do. We must blend with our surroundings.

BORIS:
A teenager just stopped me and wanted a date.

MADAME:
Teenage girls are very aggressive in this country.

BORIS:
It wasn’t a girl.

MADAME:
Now, Boris! We came for the film.

PETER:
You didn’t have to do that. We usually drop it off at the drug st—

MADAME:
Boris will count to three, and if I do not have the film, you die.

MICKY:
What?

MADAME:
Boris, count!

BORIS:
One. Two.

MIKE:
Ah. Aw, it’s okay. Look, see what you did. You made him cry, you big ox.

BORIS:
Three.

MIKE:
It’s alright. It’s okay. Uh, ladies and gentleman, can I have your attention, please, just a minute? We’re very fortunate having a very, uh, famous folk singing duo with us tonight: Honey and the Bear. Come on up here on the stage. Honey and the Bear, with a little encouragement, I think they’ll probably sing one of their famous folk singing protest songs.

MICKY:
Great. Alright.

MIKE:
And you take the guitar and wail, baby.

MICKY:
Honey and the Bear. Come on, Honey and the Bear. They great? Ha ha.

BORIS:
What do we do, Madame?

MIKE:
Let’s hear it for Honey and the Bear, folks!

MADAME:
Have you ever sung, Boris?

BORIS:
Only for the district attorney.

MADAME:
???, Boris.

BORIS, MADAME:
♪ Blow up the senate ♪
♪ We’ll end our silence ♪
♪ ??? ♪

MICKY:
Boy, is that real protest singing! Boo!

[The crowd boos.]

BORIS, MADAME:
♪ By force of violence ♪
♪ ??? ♪

MICKY:
Terrible, terrible. Let’s split.

INT. CIS HEADQUARTERS

HONEYWELL:
Good morning, sir.

CHIEF:
Honeywell. What did you learn about the stolen microfilm?

HONEYWELL:
Well, sir, we found out that the pickup was made by four boys posing as a rock and roll group.

CHIEF:
I know that. We followed them with the hidden camera?

HONEYWELL:
Yes, sir. We got some very revealing footage. As a matter of fact, I just want to say that I think the operators were absolutely fantastic; we nailed ’em.

CHIEF:
Alright, let it roll.

HONEYWELL:
Right, sir. The first member is Peter Tork. He’s the quiet one of the group.

EXT. STREET

HONEYWELL:
I’m from the metropolitan, uh, polling service, and I wonder if I might ask you a few questions. Uh, how do you feel about demonstrations?

PETER:
They’re the only way to sell a vacuum cleaner.

HONEYWELL:
Yes, um.

INT. CIS HEADQUARTERS

HONEYWELL:
Second boy is Mike Nesmith. We believe him to be the leader of the group.

EXT. STREET

HONEYWELL:
As you know, they are trying very hard to revitalize the Republican Party. What do you suggest?

MIKE:
Uh-huh. Well, I’d say a lot of pretty girls, lot of, uh, dancing, you know, music, stuff like that, a few hors d’oeuvres.

HONEYWELL:
Will that help the party?

MIKE:
It usually does.

INT. CIS HEADQUARTERS

HONEYWELL:
Uh, this is Micky Dolenz. He’s a drummer.

INT. THE PAD

MICKY:
Yeah?

HONEYWELL:
Hi, there. I’m with the advertising testing bureau. I wonder, we’re doing a survey on how people respond to different faces.

MICKY:
Sorry, yours won’t do.

HONEYWELL:
No, no, no. I-I-I mean, faces like this. Uh, can you tell me what you think that man’s occupation is?

MICKY:
He’s a shoemaker. Shoemakers have calluses on their hands, right about here. Hey, what do you know? Heh heh. Listen, could I have a half-sole on that by Wednesday, please? Think you’d like a picture of me?

INT. CIS HEADQUARTERS

HONEYWELL:
Next one is Davy Jones, the English boy. We put our camera across the street from a newsstand so we’d get an idea of his reading habits.

CHIEF:
You sure he didn’t know he was being photographed?

HONEYWELL:
Uh, oh. Absolutely, chief.

EXT. STREET

[Davy starts whistling “Swanee River”.]

INT. CIS HEADQUARTERS

CHIEF:
You’re sure?

HONEYWELL:
Um, yeah, they, couldn’t have possibly known.

EXT. STREET

DAVY:
♪ That’s a-where me heart is yearning ever ♪
♪ That’s where the old folks stay ♪

INT. CIS HEADQUARTERS

CHIEF:
Are you positive?

EXT. STREET

DAVY:
♪ All the world is sad and dreary ♪
♪ Everywhere I roam ♪
♪ Oh, brother, can you hear me yearning ♪
♪ Just for the old folks at home? ♪
All together now
♪ All the world is sad and dreary ♪

INT. CIS HEADQUARTERS

HONEYWELL:
♪ Everywhere I go ♪
♪ That’s where the old— ♪

CHIEF:
Honeywell!

HONEYWELL:
Yes, sir.

CHIEF:
I’ve seen enough.

INT. CIS HEADQUARTERS

CHIEF:
I’m very glad you’re here. You’re in a position to do the CIS a great service.

MICKY:
Oh, that’s great.

DAVY:
Really?

CHIEF:
I wouldn’t be completely candid if I didn’t tell you that there is an element of danger in this work. Now, boys! Come back here. My CIS men are facing danger every day of the week. Now here’s a dedicated CIS man: Schwartz, Harold B. Good man, Schwartz. Last week, he rounded up a whole den of spies. Now what we have in mind for you isn’t that dangerous.

PETER:
Just how, uh, difficult is it?

CHIEF:
You’ll have a fifty-fifty chance of coming out alive.

MICKY [on the phone]:
Hello, Chief? Send in Schwartz, Harold B.

CHIEF:
No, no, no! Not as bad as all that. Why we may be able to save even three of you.

MICKY:
Three? Three.

MIKE:
Well, I guess we’re just gonna have to form a trio. We’re gonna miss you, old buddy. Hey, all kidding aside, chief, we’d like to help. We really would, but, man, this spy thing just isn’t our bag.

CHIEF:
Well, don’t you worry about a thing. Now, when the time comes, we are going to give you all the help you need. Won’t we, Honeywell?

HONEYWELL:
What? Uh, uh, yes, sir!

MIKE:
It’s not that I don’t trust you. Um, but I think, uh, well, I think I ought to tell you something.

CHIEF:
Huh?

MIKE:
You know that man over there?

CHIEF:
Huh.

MIKE:
He talks to popsicles.

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
Man, you know, I don’t think this espionage thing is such a good idea after all.

MICKY:
Aw, come on. Lookit, we have seen every spy movie, haven’t we? Really, there is nothing to it.

INT. SPY HEADQUARTERS

MICKY:
This cufflink contains a miniaturized tape recorder.

PETER:
If I wear two of them, can I record in stereo?

MICKY:
Alright, Jones. Tell me what that tie pin does.

DAVY:
If you wear it too long, your neck starts to ache.

MICKY:
Yes. It also contains a pill. In the event you’re being tortured beyond endurance, you can swallow this pill. Tell me what it does, Jones.

DAVY:
Within thirty seconds, your breath’s kissing sweet?

MICKY:
Alright, Nesmith. Tell me about your special cigarette lighter.

MIKE:
Well, this cigarette lighter is very special. It has, uh, got a miniature Japanese camera in it.

MICKY:
Right.

MIKE:
And also a miniature Japanese cameraman. Oh, scorched you again there, Yamashita.

EXT. PARK

MICKY:
Now for hand-to-hand combat, the basic weapon is the edge of your hand. Alright, Yakimoto. Do your stuff. See how simple that is? Now, Jones, come over here. I want you to hit Yakimoto in the side of the neck with a karate chop.

DAVY:
No, I-I couldn’t do that.

MICKY:
Don’t be silly. It’s his job; we pay him a dollar an hour. Besides that, you can’t hurt him.

DAVY:
Okay. Ha!

YAKIMOTO:
Oh, ho, ho, that stings!

MICKY:
No, no, Jones. It has to be more like this. Excuse me. Mr. Yakimoto. Gah!

YAKIMOTO:
Ah!

MICKY:
You see. But that will come with practice, gentlemen. Good chap, Yakimoto. Gentlemen, now, you should become familiar with small arms. Right here, we have small arms—

YAKIMOTO:
Ha!

MICKY:
Thank you, Yakimoto. That will be all for today. Small arms here, pictured on the board—

YAKIMOTO:
Ha!

MICKY:
Thank you, Yakimoto. We’ll call you. Forty-five caliber—

YAKIMOTO:
Ha!

MICKY:
I’m sorry, Yakimoto; this time it will come out of your pay. Gentlemen, you are as ready as I can make you.

INT. THE PAD

MICKY:
See? Nothing to it at all, man.

MIKE:
Hey look, we’ve got to meet, uh, Honeywell for the briefing. Got my watch on upside—in a half hour.

MICKY:
Half an hour? We’ve got to go.

INT. DISCOTHEQUE

HONEYWELL:
All you have to do is sit down there and wait until they make their contact. There’s a twelve decibel Kriegl microphone hidden in the lamp; they’ll never suspect a thing.

MIKE:
What about that big black wire?

HONEYWELL:
That’s always been a problem. Come on, I’ll show you where I’ll be.

GENIE:
Do not fear, master; your genie will help you.

DAVY:
Huh. Imagine that; wrong show.

INT. DISCOTHEQUE - BACK ROOM

HONEYWELL:
I’ll be in here listening and recording everything that they say. Now the minute that I hear them make their confession, I’ll get in there and make the arrest. Are there any questions?

PETER:
Is it too late to get Schwartz?

INT. DISCOTHEQUE

“(I’m Not Your) Steppin’ Stone”

MADAME:
Decadence. Have you noticed how they all copy steps from one another? Sheep! They all follow one another.

BORIS:
Madame, after we deliver the film, then can we go away together as you promised?

MADAME:
Yes, Boris. We will go to Brazil.

BORIS:
But you told me Argentina.

MADAME:
Alright, Argentina.

BORIS:
Brazil is nice.

MADAME:
They’re finished. Come. We have no time to waste. Here is the money. Now give me the film.

DAVY:
Wait, before we give you the film, I think we have the right to know one thing. Are you really foreign spies? Excuse me.

INT. DISCOTHEQUE - BACK ROOM

DAVY:
I got the confession.

HONEYWELL:
What confession?

DAVY:
Boris, he nodded.

HONEYWELL:
You can’t hear a nod! What’d you say?

INT. DISCOTHEQUE

MIKE:
Three hundred and seventy-six, three hundred and seventy-seven, three hundred and seventy-eight, seventy-nine, three hundred and eighty. Oh, ho. There’s a dollar, uh, ninety missing, old buddy.

MADAME:
Impossible.

BORIS:
The cab fare.

DAVY:
Now, just a minute! I can trust an enemy agent, but a guy that steals a dollar ninety, now that’s a bit much. Now, are you really foreign agents?

BORIS:
Of course we are! I simply forgot my change purse.

DAVY:
Excuse me.

INT. DISCOTHEQUE - BACK ROOM

DAVY:
Hey, we got it that time.

HONEYWELL:
What, what?

DAVY:
We got it. We got the confession. The confession. We got the confession.

HONEYWELL:
I didn’t hear a thing; someone must have kicked out the plug.

INT. DISCOTHEQUE

MADAME:
Well, where is he?

MIKE:
Oh, um, don’t worry. He’ll be here in just a minute.

MADAME:
I grow impatient.

PETER:
I grow daffodils.

MADAME:
Well?

DAVY:
Tell me. Do you have any advice for young people just starting out in the spying business?

BORIS:
Yes. I would say be underhanded and dishonest.

DAVY:
You say that speaking as a spy, right?

BORIS:
Right.

[People nearby laugh.]

DAVY:
Shh.

MICKY:
Shh. Quiet! We’re trying to record over here. Spy confession, take four.

DAVY:
Now, are you or are you not foreign spies?

MADAME:
Of course we are! Enough of this stalling. The film!

“All The King’s Horses”

MIKE:
Quick, get Honeywell! Call Honeywell!

DAVY:
Come in, Honeywell.

MIKE:
Uh, you want the film? Come and get it.

DAVY:
Honeywell, come in.

MICKY:
Calling Honeywell!

DAVY:
Honeywell.

INT. DISCOTHEQUE - BACK ROOM

HONEYWELL:
Can’t hear anything.

INT. DISCOTHEQUE

MIKE:
Hurry, get Honeywell.

MADAME:
Give me that film!

BORIS:
Madame, Madame, this is no time for dance!

MIKE:
Quick, watch out for Boris too.

MICKY:
Okay, Boris. Cool it.

MIKE:
Honeywell!

MADAME:
Ai-ya! Ai-ya!

KARATE CHOP MAN:
Hey, what’s that?

KARATE CHOP WOMAN:
Outta sight!

MADAME:
I’ll meet you in Argentina.

DAVY:
Mike, Mike, are you okay?

MIKE:
Alright, no more Mr. Nice Guy.

DAVY:
Get him, Mike. Go on! Yeah, Mike. Twist his ear!

HONEYWELL:
Madame got away. She’s probably on her way to Red China by now.

DAVY:
Yeah, but we’ve got Boris.

BORIS:
But, Boris will meet Madame in Argentina. She promised.

HONEYWELL:
I’m sorry, Boris. You’re on your way to Leavenworth.

BORIS:
I must go to Argentina!

PETER:
Aw, you’ll get to Argentina someday, Boris.

BORIS:
Leavenworth is nice.

INT. SOMEWHERE IN CHINA

MADAME:
Gentlemen, what you are about to see is the latest secret American weapon. It will change the course of modern warfare!

“Saturday’s Child”