“Royal Flush” Script

Act One

EXT. BEACH

BETTINA:
[screams]

OTTO:
Dummy!

DAVY:
Are you alright?

BETTINA:
I’m fine now, thank you. I don’t swim very well, but I was sure that the raft would—

DAVY:
You ought to get your money back on that raft.

BETTINA:
Oh, I can’t; it was a present from my uncle Otto.

OTTO:
Bettina, darling, are you alright?

BETTINA:
Oh, yes. I’m fine now, uncle Otto.

DAVY:
Is that the uncle that gave you the raft?

BETTINA:
Yes, but please don’t mention it to him; he’d be very upset. Uncle Otto, this is the young man that saved me from the water.

OTTO:
Oh, then we must thank you, young man; you saved her highness’ life.

DAVY:
Highness?

OTTO:
May I present the Princess Bettina of the Duchess of Harmonica. And now, we must go.

BETTINA:
But uncle Otto—

OTTO:
Go back to the car and get warm. Hm? You have already been a most fortunate man once today, Mr. Jones.

DAVY:
I don’t understand.

OTTO:
We have a saying in our country: oon yama krim doe la ma tawn, cray boko see-me.

DAVY:
What does that mean?

OTTO:
A man who saves a drowning person risks drowning himself.

DAVY:
Hey. Hey, my jacket!

“(Theme From) The Monkees”

Act Two

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
Well, the cupboard’s bare, and it’s not about to get any fuller unless we play a gig.

DAVY:
No, I-I don’t want to buy a princess phone; I’m trying to locate a princess. Princess Bettina.

MIKE:
Do you know we haven’t worked in a month?

PETER:
Gee, it seems more like four weeks.

DAVY:
Look, I don’t care what colors they come in, and I don’t care what they do when you pick the phone up. Will you please look under Harmonica? H-A-R-M—look, it’s a country! There is so!

[Micky is reading a newspaper.]

MICKY:
Hey, Davy. You talking about a chick, uh, name’s Bettina, she’s a princess?

DAVY:
That’s right.

MICKY:
And she’s here with her uncle, the archduke.

DAVY:
Otto!

MICKY:
Yeah, Otto. Yeah, and a, uh, a bodyguard.

DAVY:
Yeah, Sigmund!

MICKY:
Ah, nah, that one’s Igor; must be a different princess.

DAVY:
Give me that! Hey, fellas, yeah, it’s her! It says she’s staying at the Ritz Swank Hotel. Come on, fellas. We’ve gotta go.

MIKE:
Hey, wait a minute. You can’t go there!

DAVY:
Look, they’re trying to kill her!

MIKE:
How do you know?

DAVY:
Look, I know, I know; the guy threatened to kill me too.

MIKE:
What’d he say?

DAVY:
They said: oh yanka kimbo coowamba coo ma see-me.

MIKE:
What in the world does that mean?

DAVY:
Well, it doesn’t mean live and be well.

MIKE:
Oh, come—Davy, look, man, you cannot go down to the Ritz Swank Hotel and barge in there on a suspicion.

DAVY:
Look, will you trust me? She’s got my jacket!

MIKE:
Oh, well, if she’s got your jacket.

DAVY:
Yeah!

MIKE:
She’s got his jacket.

PETER:
She’s got his jacket.

MIKE:
She’s got his jacket.

MICKY:
Gentlemen, attention! We hit the beach at oh-seven-hundred. It is now oh-six-thirty-one. Synchronize your watches, please. We’ll infiltrate the compound under cover of daylight and set up an observation post here, in—here, in the room next door, which will serve as a jumping off point to our primary objective, the royal suite, here. Are there any questions?

PETER:
Yes, sir! How do we get into the adjoining room?

MICKY:
Very quietly.

INT. RITZ SWANK HOTEL - ROOM

MIKE:
Well, I guess it’ll do, it’ll do. Hm. Get everything monogrammed.

PETER:
Everything monogrammed!

MIKE:
What time does the sun come through that window?

PETER:
What time does the sun come through that window?

CHAMBERMAID:
’Bout twelve noon, I think.

MIKE:
No good; I want it here by ten thirty in the morning.

PETER:
Right, W.H. Ten thirty in the morning.

CHAMBERMAID:
Look. Wait a minute! What is this?

MICKY:
That’s W.H. Wool Hat. The W.H. Wool Hat.

CHAMBERMAID:
Who’s he?

MICKY:
You’ve heard of wool hats, haven’t you? That’s him.

CHAMBERMAID:
Look, Mr. Wool Hat, if you don’t mind, I have to get this room cleaned up. It’s my job.

MIKE:
Uh, it’s alright, my good woman. I understand, and everything is completely under control.

CHAMBERMAID:
Oh, good. You can explain to my boss.

MIKE:
Work hard, play hard, get plenty of roughage in your diet, and someday, you’ll own this hotel.

CHAMBERMAID:
Thank you.

MIKE:
Uh, miss. I have a tip for you.

CHAMBERMAID:
Oh! Thank you.

MIKE:
Buy international steel at twenty-eight and a half.

MICKY:
Alright, microphone, in the wall.

INT. RITZ SWANK HOTEL - ROYAL SUITE

OTTO:
The plan, my dear Sigmund, is to dispose of the princess as soon as the reception is over.

SIGMUND:
And when is that, sire?

OTTO:
Tonight! Can’t you remember anything?

SIGMUND:
I’ll write it down.

OTTO:
If you were working for my enemies, I’d rule all of Europe.

SIGMUND:
No, sire! Sigmund work only for archduke Otto. You make promises to Sigmund. I be prince!

INT. RITZ SWANK HOTEL - ROOM

OTTO (V.O.):
Yes, but first, we must dispose of the princess.

INT. RITZ SWANK HOTEL - ROYAL SUITE

OTTO:
Now, here is the plan. Tonight, after the reception, we’ll put five drops of this. It will render her unconscious.

INT. RITZ SWANK HOTEL - ROOM

OTTO (V.O.):
Ha ha ha ha ha.

MIKE:
You see, I told you she was in trouble.

DAVY:
Come on, man, we’ve gotta do something. She’s got my jacket!

MICKY:
Got it!

MICKY [on the phone]:
Uh, royal suite, please.

INT. RITZ SWANK HOTEL - ROYAL SUITE

MICKY (V.O.):
Royal suite?

INT. RITZ SWANK HOTEL - ROOM

MICKY [on the phone]:
Archduke Otto, how are you, baby? Good to hear from you. Yeah, listen, I heard you’re in town, thought you might like to take a look at our spring line of thrones and royal supplies. Right, baby. Mm-hm, yeah. Listen, I know…

INT. RITZ SWANK HOTEL - ROYAL SUITE

MICKY (V.O.):
…I know you’re a busy man. We’ve got conveniently located showrooms all over town.

INT. RITZ SWANK HOTEL - ROOM

MICKY [on the phone]:
Right next door! Splendid, we’ll be expecting you, baby.

MICKY:
Right. He’ll be right over.

[There is a knock at the door .]

MICKY:
He’s fast.

MIKE:
Uh! Uh, don’t forget, get plenty of roughage in your diet.

CHAMBERMAID:
Yes, sir.

MICKY:
Come in, come in, come in!

OTTO:
I am the archduke Otto.

MICKY:
So regal! Charlie, how’s that for regal? Right this way, your highness. Right over here.

OTTO:
Uh, just a minute.

MICKY:
I know, I know, you’re only browsing. I know, but I just want you to see this little number right here. If you’d be so kind. Oh! Ah! I—pardon me, your reverence. It’s just that you look so… so imperial. It’s—

OTTO:
It’s true.

INT. RITZ SWANK HOTEL - ROYAL SUITE

BETTINA:
What are you doing here?

DAVY:
Look, it’s your uncle Otto and the other guy. They’re trying to kill you; you’ve got to get out of here!

BETTINA:
Davy, that’s ridiculous.

INT. RITZ SWANK HOTEL - ROOM

MICKY:
Now, if you pay cash, we’ll give you, absolutely free, with no extra charge, this tufted footstool, cunningly sculptured in the form of a servile flatterer.

INT. RITZ SWANK HOTEL - ROYAL SUITE

DAVY:
Look, you don’t have to believe me; we recorded the whole scene. Listen. I’ll have it in a minute.

INT. RITZ SWANK HOTEL - ROOM

OTTO:
But now, I must go.

MICKY:
Wait! Uh, wait! Wait. The special. The special.

OTTO:
Hm?

MICKY:
The three-oh-nine.

PETER:
The three-oh-nine!

OTTO:
The three-oh-nine?

INT. RITZ SWANK HOTEL - ROYAL SUITE

BETTINA:
This is silliness, Davy. Please stop.

DAVY:
Wait a second. I’ll have it in a minute.

INT. RITZ SWANK HOTEL - ROOM

MICKY:
The three-oh-nine. Fit for a king. It captures your ruthless ambition, your cruel determination. This throne is designed for men who dare to be called tyrants. We call it the usurper.

INT. RITZ SWANK HOTEL - ROYAL SUITE

DAVY:
Micky and his gadgets.

RECORDING:
♪ Hey, hey, we’re the Monkees ♪
♪ And people say we monkey around ♪

INT. RITZ SWANK HOTEL - ROOM

MICKY:
Something you can send to the family back home.

OTTO:
How much longer?

PETER:
Not much longer—thirty-eight, thirty-nine… slow film.

INT. RITZ SWANK HOTEL - ROYAL SUITE

OTTO [on recording]:
…will render her unconscious, and then… ha ha ha ha ha.

INT. RITZ SWANK HOTEL - ROOM

PETER:
…hundred and twenty-nine, hundred and thirty…

OTTO:
How much longer?

INT. RITZ SWANK HOTEL - ROYAL SUITE

BETTINA:
What are we going to do?

DAVY:
Let’s call the cops.

BETTINA:
We can’t do that. Uncle Otto has diplomatic immunity; no one can arrest him. And as regent, he controls everything until I become queen upon my eighteenth birthday.

DAVY:
Then when’s your eighteenth birthday?

BETTINA:
Tomorrow. In fact, the reception tonight is a birthday ball for me.

DAVY:
Great! Then all we have to do is keep you out of sight until midnight.

INT. RITZ SWANK HOTEL - ROOM

PETER:
…two hundred and fifty-seven, two hundred and fifty-eight, two hundred and fifty-nine…

INT. RITZ SWANK HOTEL - ROYAL SUITE

DAVY:
Come on.

INT. RITZ SWANK HOTEL - HALLWAY

OTTO:
Gentlemen, I can spare no more time.

MICKY:
Oh, uh, the pictures! The pictures! ???

OTTO:
Yes, you keep me in mind.

MICKY:
I will, baby. You keep you in mind.

MIKE:
Hey, wait a minute!

MICKY:
What? What?

MIKE:
I mean, uh, I mean, uh, this hat. Isn’t this your hat here?

OTTO:
I don’t know.

MICKY:
It’s his hat. I know it’s his hat. It’s yours. Look.

MIKE:
Keep the hat anyway.

INT. RITZ SWANK HOTEL - ROYAL SUITE

OTTO:
Bettina! Bettina!

SIGMUND:
She is not here, boss!

OTTO:
Are you sure? She could not have left by herself! Someone must have come in, and… how would they know I would not be here? Those throne merchants! Sigmund. They will lead you to the princess, hm? I will wait here until you call. After them!

INT. RITZ SWANK HOTEL - HALLWAY

OTTO:
Sigmund, how many times have I told you? Only when they’re locked!

Act Three

EXT. BEACH

DAVY:
What’s the matter?

BETTINA:
It’s just that… there’s so many responsibilities. The welfare of all my people. We’d be very honored if you could come and visit us. Perhaps for the coronation.

DAVY:
No, I can’t. What I have to do is here with the guys and our music.

BETTINA:
I see.

DAVY:
I can’t see why you’re so down about going back anyway. You’re the queen; that’s what you have to do.

“This Just Doesn’t Seem to Be My Day”

EXT. THE PAD

MAN (V.O.):
Hello?

SIGMUND:
Hello. The streetcar is going up the hill.

MAN (V.O.):
A fox has stolen a chicken.

SIGMUND:
The onions ripen in the spring.

MAN (V.O.):
Especially when it is raining… hello?

SIGMUND:
Especially when it’s raining? Oh, what number is this, please?

MAN (V.O.):
Klondike-five-eight-six-one-eight.

SIGMUND:
Ooh! I must have dialed the wrong number. Sorry!

OTTO (V.O.):
Hello?

SIGMUND:
Hello?

OTTO (V.O.):
Hello?

SIGMUND:
The streetcar is going up the hill.

INT. RITZ SWANK HOTEL - ROYAL SUITE

OTTO:
Sigmund, you dummy! Where have you been?

EXT. THE PAD

SIGMUND:
They built for me this hole, from which they ran out of. I followed them into the house, to the house, and they were there in the house. Believe me, it’s the truth!

INT. RITZ SWANK HOTEL - ROYAL SUITE

SIGMUND (V.O.):
I followed them into the house, the house!

OTTO:
Slowly, slowly. From the beginning.

EXT. THE PAD

SIGMUND:
The streetcar is going up the hill.

INT. THE PAD

MIKE:
Upsy-safe.

PETER:
Are you sure we lost them?

MICKY:
What are you worried about? We got the door all rigged, and besides, they have about as much chance as finding us here as I do of becoming Miss America.

MIKE:
♪ There she is, Miss America. ♪

MICKY:
It’s them alright.

PETER:
Okay, open it. It won’t cut!

MIKE:
Cool it!

OTTO:
Bettina, darling, I was so worried, I—

BETTINA:
You don’t have to pretend anymore, uncle Otto. I know all about your plan. You’ve been trying to kill me.

OTTO:
Oh, yes, you’re quite right, my dear. Ha ha. Sigmund, seize her now.

DAVY:
Wait a minute. It just so happens that the princess had a note delivered to the Harmonican embassy just an hour ago in a sealed envelope.

BETTINA:
Yes, that’s right. And if I don’t appear this evening at the ball, they’re going to know all about your scheme.

OTTO:
I don’t think you’re telling me the truth, but I cannot afford to take chances. So, we will postpone our plans, but only temporarily. The princess will go to the ball with us tonight.

SIGMUND:
Boss, she’ll spill the beans.

OTTO:
I don’t think so. Her highness will do exactly as we wish her to, because, uh, our four friends here will be with you, and one unfortunate gesture on your part, and Sigmund will… well, you know how, uh, unpleasant Sigmund can be when he’s upset, huh? My dear?

INT. THE PAD

DAVY:
The wicked, wicked stepmother, disguised as an old beggar woman, gave Snow White an apple. Now, Snow White took one bite and immediately fell into a deep sleep. The apple was poison!

SIGMUND:
Okay. You going to read the story, or you gonna kid around?

MICKY:
He’s fast.

SIGMUND:
Alright. No more Mr. Nice Guy.

INT. RITZ SWANK HOTEL - BALLROOM

OTTO:
Waiter, never bypass an archduke.

MICKY:
Davy!

“Take a Giant Step”

INT. RITZ SWANK HOTEL - BALLROOM

PETER:
Wait! Listen to this!

COCO DOLENZ (V.O.):
When you hear the tone, the time will be twelve midnight.

BETTINA:
Arrest that man! I order it as your queen.

CROWD:
Boo! Boo!

SIGMUND:
The streetcar is going up the hill.

Tag

INT. RITZ SWANK HOTEL - ROOM

CHAMBERMAID:
Hey! Aren’t you that Wool Hat guy?

MIKE:
Oh, huh, yeah. Uh, you can have the room back now.

CHAMBERMAID:
Well, good! Because I was just gonna tell you guys to start packing anyway. Royalty is bad enough, but I’ve gotta draw the line somewhere.

MIKE:
You’ve got to draw the line?

CHAMBERMAID:
Sure, I own this hotel; followed your advice.

MIKE:
Work hard, play hard, get plenty of roughage in your diet?

CHAMBERMAID:
No. Bought international steel at twenty-eight and a half.

INT. SET

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Monkees, Monkees. Uh, the show is over, but we’ve got one problem: we’re one minute short.

MICKY:
Hi there, America.

DAVY:
Ha ha.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Tell me, uh, Mike, what do you think of the show you just did?

MIKE:
I thought it was one minute short. No—

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Micky, will you give me an intelligent answer please? Look, this is very important.

MICKY:
Hey, man, I’m-I’m reading next week’s script; I’m gonna try to save it.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Peter, what’d you think about it, hey?

PETER:
Well, I thought it was alright, except for the dueling scene.

DAVY:
What you talking about? That fencing scene was great. None of you could have done it.

PETER:
Fencing scene? Great? Davy’s, you know, short, and I could have done it better.

DAVY:
He’s always picking on me ’cause I’m small!

MICKY:
He’s not short; stand up, Davy, and show him how tall you are.

DAVY:
I am standing up.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
Fellas, wait, wait! Listen to me, all of you! What I want to know is one thing, seriously now.

DAVY:
That’s two things.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
What-what-what do you really want this show to do for you?

DAVY:
I want to go home.

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
What are you gonna do when you get home?

DAVY:
I’m gonna feed my dog. I’m gonna take a bath. Gonna set my hair.

MIKE:
Why do you ask stuff like this, really? I mean, uh, success and stuff like that. Why don’t you ask us stuff like, uh, what time is it?

BOB RAFELSON (O.S.):
What time is it, Mike?

MIKE:
Uh, it’s time to go, man.

PETER:
Yeah.

MIKE:
I’ll see ya later.

MICKY:
???

DAVY:
See ya.