Season 2 Quotes

33. It’s A Nice Place To Visit

Mike: Angelita, are you kiddin’ man? You heard what that guy said, that’s El Diablo’s girl and if he catches you with her, he’ll kill you!
Davy: Well, every couple has its problems, you know.
Listen

Micky: They call me El Dolenzio, also known as the Bandit Without A Soul!
Mike: And they call me El Nesmitho, also known as the Bandit Without No… Wi-without Any Conscience.
Peter: And they call me El Torko, the Bandit uh—Without A Nickname.
Listen

Peter: Buenos dis, el guardo. Ah, yo guardero el prisonero… ah party-o…
Bandit: Yes, yes…
Peter: El Diablo, uh, lots of food, there’s a party, fiesta, lots of carryin’-ons, over the hill.
Bandit: Yes?
Peter: …Booze.
Bandit: Ohh!
Listen

Davy: Oh no, oh no Mr. Bandit, please, I didn’t mean it, honestly, it was a joke, honestly.
Peter: Davy, it’s me, Peter.
Davy: Peter who?
Peter: Peter Tork.
Davy: Oh Petah!
Peter: Davy!
Davy: Petah!
Peter: Davy!
Davy: Petah!
Listen

[Davy is tied to the tree]
Peter: How do you untie a square knot?
Davy: Square knot… let me see… um, oh yeah, you know the knot, well there’s a loop underneath it… Peter, my finger, don’t pull on my finger, will ya? [Davy continues to explain]
Davy: The one that’s criss-crossed like a figure—well, you kn—an eight, an eight… it’s like, it’s shaped like this
[Davy draws a figure eight shape in the air, then puts his hand behind the tree]
Davy: An eight! You got that? Well, anyway, you take that, and you take the loose end…
Listen

[Mike and Micky arrive]
Peter: Mr. Bandit, please don’t!
Micky: Don’t what? It’s Mike and… I mean, it’s Micky and Mike.
Peter: Micky and Mike who?
Micky: “Micky and Mike who?!”
Mike: What do you mean “Micky and Mike who?”, what do you say “Micky and Mike who?” for?
Peter: Well, Davy did it to me.
Listen

Mike: Look man, you’ve been challenged! What are you gonna do?
Micky: What am I gonna do? Micky Dolenz in a challenge… what do you think I’ll do?
Mike: You’re gonna split!
Micky: Right!
Listen

Peter: Are you scared?
Micky: No, I’m not scared. I welcome this duel. The symbol of good against the symbol of evil, and I know I’m gonna be the victor.
Davy: Because the symbol of good always wins?
Micky: No, because the lead in a television series always wins.
Listen

34. The Picture Frame

Micky: Hey Pete! Hey, you missed the big hold-up scene!
Peter: I know man, I went to Stage 1 at 2:00 instead of Stage 2 at 1:00.
Listen

Sergeant: Alright Monkees, come on out, we know you’re in there.
Micky: Hey, what do they want us for?
Peter: Oh, that library book—it’s a week overdue!
Listen

[watching the hidden camera tape from the bank]
Davy: I thought this was gonna be in colour!
Micky: If I’da known this was gonna be in black and white, I wouldn’ta done it.
Listen

Micky: I’m glad you cut out the part where I tripped, ’cause that wasn’t a very good scene at all.
Listen

Davy: We were shootin’ a movie, some cat came up and said ’you wanna shoot a movie?’, said yeah, we shoot a movie. So we shot a movie.
Listen

Mike: Well, well, y’see, see, it’s like I told ya, but we thought we were, we were doin’ a movie.
Sergeant: Still stickin’ to that story, huh? Well, if you know what’s good for you, you’ll change your tune.
[Mike plays the harmonica]
Mike [in a high voice]: Well, it’s like I told ya, we were doin’ a movie.
Listen

Davy: Even Peter thinks we’re guilty.
Peter: I don’t think you’re guilty, I just don’t see how you could possibly be innocent!
Listen

Harvey: What are you doing here?
Peter: I can’t tell you that.
Harvey: I’ll make you a big movie star!
Peter: No, I still can’t tell you.
Harvey: I get it, you’re snooping!
Peter: You guessed!
Listen

35. Everywhere A Sheik, Sheik

Davy: Tell me, has the princess ever had a crush on anyone before?
Shazar: Yes, there was a boy like you once. She loved him, but he rejected her.
Davy: Oh, does she still see him?
Shazar: Oh yes, she visits him every week and puts a wreath on his grave.
Listen

Davy: This king kidnapped me and he wants me to marry his daughter!
Micky: Nice looking?
Davy: Well, you know he’s not bad—
Micky: No, no, the daughter.
Listen

[King Hassar Yaduin brings in a model of a temple]
Davy: What’s that, what’s that?
King Hassar Yaduin : This is where you would live.
Mike: That’s a little small, isn’t it?
Listen

Davy: I’m gonna make you the Director of Forests. How about that?
Peter: You would.
Listen

[Shazar takes a bite of the food]
Peter: How is it?
Shazar: It’s… poisoned… and… a little rare…
Listen

Princess Colette Yaduin: It’s so nice spending these last few moments alone.
Davy: What do you mean “these last few moments”?
Princess Colette Yaduin: At sundown we must separate and then we’re forbidden from seeing each other until the wedding.
Davy: Oh, then we’d better kiss a little faster.
Listen

36. Monkee Mayor

Davy: You know, you think at three in the afternoon there’d be somebody at City Hall.
Micky: Maybe they’re on their coffee break.
Peter: How long’s their coffee break?
Mike: From nine to five.
Listen

Mike: They’re gonna tear down a stadium and build a parking lot!
Micky: They’re gonna tear down a hospital to build a parking lot!
Peter: And here’s the kicker—
Monkees: They’re gonna tear down a parking lot to build a parking lot!
Peter: Hey, how did you guys know?
Mike: Well that’s the oldest joke in the world.
Listen

Peter: Hey, lookit, it’s a half a check for a hundred dollars!
Mike: It’s two halves of a hundred dollar check!
Peter: It’s a check for two hundred dollars!… It’s two checks for fifty dollars.
Listen

37. Art, For Monkees’ Sake

Duce: What’s with the hat? The hat’s not needed!
Peter: It’s Mike’s hat. It’s knitted.
Duce: I know it’s knitted, but it’s not needed.
Peter: How did you know it was knitted?
Duce: I can tell it’s knitted, but it’s not needed.
Peter: Oh, for I minute I thought you knew Mike.
Listen

Duce: What’s the most important thing for an artist?
Peter: Paint.
Listen

Peter: The man who painted that was brilliant.
Micky, Mike, and Davy: That means they’ve switched the paintings!
Listen

Mike: The modest but powering Texan needs no introduction…
Listen

Mike: That thing was almost a thousand years old!
Peter: Oh, well thank goodness it wasn’t new.
Listen

38. I Was A 99 Lb. Weakling

Peter and Davy: I wish Mike were here.
Listen

Davy: Step over that line! …step over that line! …alright, step over this line!
Bulk: Okay, now what?
Davy: Just as I thought, you’re always taking orders! Nyaaaah! [runs away]
Listen

Peter: Did somebody yell for help? Did somebody yell for help?
Brenda: No.
Peter: What do you mean, no? Look at that man’s back—it’s covered with spots!
Brenda: Uuuh! Help!
Listen

Peter: Hey, mister! Would you throw us back our ball?
Davy: [to camera] Hahahaha!
[Bulk struggles try to pick up the ball]
Bulk: Ohh! Aie! Ohh! I can hardly lift it!
Davy: [to camera] Shouldn’t think he could. Lead, you know. Ooh!
Listen

Shah-Ku: Maybe this time you’ll believe me.
Micky: I’m a believer, I’m a believer.
Listen

[about Micky’s “food”]
Davy: Do we kill him now or later?
Mr. Schneider: Does hunger justify murder?
Davy: Oh, man, they’d never convict you if they tasted that!
Listen

Shah-Ku: You, too, if you stand up, you may join us.
Davy: I am standing up.
Listen

Davy: Before I came to Shah-Ku’s, I used to be 6'2". And then, uh, it put so much weight on my shoulders that it squashed me!
Listen

Micky: She wants his mind… uh, no, I have a mind… no, I don’t have a mind, I lost mine, I have body though…
Listen

39. Hillbilly Honeymoon

Micky: Safe at last!
Ella Mae Chubber: I knew you’d come!
Micky: But I’m not the one!
Ella Mae Chubber: I love ya, Davy!
Micky: But I’m Micky!
Ella Mae Chubber: I love ya, Micky!
[Ella Mae kisses Micky]
Micky: Well, I tried.
Listen

Paw Chubber: Well I don’t care who it is, Ella Mae’s gotta get married, because tomorrow she’ll be sixteen years old and I don’t want nobody calling her old maid.
Listen

Peter: Hey look, where’s Davy?
Paw Chubber: Judd Weskitt took him up to his cabin at gun point. But I wouldn’t fret none about him.
Peter: Oh, how come?
Paw Chubber: Because he’s probably dead by now.
Listen

Ella Mae Chubber: I think you’re cute!
Mike: So does my wife and kids.
Listen

Paw Chubber: Hold it! You two wasn’t thinking on runnin’ out on me was ya?
Mike: What, and leave our buddy Peter here?
Micky: It’s a thought!
Peter: Micky!
Listen

Paw Chubber: Now, of his own free will, repeat after me: Ella Mae, honey.
Davy: Ella Mae, honey.
Paw Chubber: I wanna…
Davy: I wanna…
Paw Chubber: Go ahead, go ahead!
Davy:I wanna… I… I wanna be freeeee… free! Free! Like the blue blue biiiirds!
Paw Chubber: Anybody who sings like that deserves to die!
Listen

Paw Chubber: Say it! “Will you marry me?”
Davy: Will you marry me?
Mike: Ten million chicks madly in love with him and he’s gonna marry an old man.
Listen

Micky: Where’s Jud?
Maw Weskitt: Over there!
Mike: Where’s Jud?
Maw Weskitt: Same place!
Listen

Davy: Knock knock.
Mike: Who’s there?
Davy: Wa.
Mike: Wa who?
Davy: That’s right, wahoo.
Listen

40. Monkees Marooned

Micky: A treasure map! That’s one of the dumbest things you’ve ever done, Pete.
Peter: That’s not fair, Micky.
Davy: Uh, that’s not true, Micky. He’s done dumber things than that, I know ’im.
Peter: Thanks, man.
Listen

Davy: If we hurry, men, we can destroy the British at Trenton!
Micky: Davy, you are British.
Davy: Oh yeah, I forgot.
Listen

Davy: No, that wasn’t a rifle shot, man! That, this is a deserted island. It was probably a car backfiring or something.
Listen

Micky: Wait! Our footprints! Great Scott, that means we’re lost! We’ve been going around in circles!
Davy: Ah, Micky, Micky, it’s a small set, man, we have to use the same place, you know, different bushes, trees…
Listen

Thursday: Relax, men. I’ve defected.
Peter: I’d see a doctor about that.
Mike: That’s not… that’s not what “de-defected” means…
Peter: Yes it is.
Listen

41. Card Carrying Red Shoes

Davy: Uh, now let’s understand this. You mean you’re gonna shoot us, and keep ’im because of ’is face?
[Natasha nods]
Davy: Well whaddaya think this is, chopped liver?
Peter: Well it can’t be you every week, Davy.
Listen

Micky: Now, now look miss. You know, guns really never solved anything. They’re not the solution to the problem, they’re only a coward’s way out. Wouldn’t you rather talk it over instead of hiding behind a gun? Now, why don’t you give it to me?
[Natasha hands over the gun]
Micky: All right, hands up! You’re takin’ orders from me!
Davy: No! Please!
Micky: Not you, dingaling!
Listen

Micky: Shut up, face!
Listen

Natasha Pavlova: They said they will make him talk!
Micky: Talk? Never! They can tourture ’em, beat ’em, drug ’em… he’ll never talk. There’s only one torture he can’t withstand though, I pray they don’t use that.
Natasha Pavlova: What’s that?
Micky: The direct question.
Listen

Micky: I don’t wanna be a chicken, I don’t wanna be a chicken…
Listen

42. The Wild Monkees

Mike: Where did you get that water?
Peter: From the car, like Micky said.
Mike: Where in the car?
Peter: …from the radiator?
Davy: Oh, Micky, don’t worry. Listen, it’s a good job he didn’t get it from the petrol tank—
Peter: That’s what I meant, the petrol tank!
Listen

Peter: What kinda people have you got coming up here? Senior citizens visiting their grandparents? Ha ha ha ha…!
Listen

Mike: Where’re you going?
Davy: I’m go-going to the kitchen to get something to eat.
Mike: Yeah, but the kitchen’s that way.
Davy: Yeah, but the one back at the pad isn’t, it’s that way!
Listen

Davy: Ooh, please don’t kill me! Please…! Don’t… kill me, kill me, a ha ha, kill me some more… ha ha!
Listen

Mike: Oh! The picture of the male I most remind you of? Of course, of course I’d like to see it! Let me see it! Ah ha ha! It’s a cocker-spaniel!
Listen

Mike: Mick, I said will you shut off your engine, we can’t hear you!
Micky: I can’t hear you, Mike, my engine’s running!
Mike: WILL YOU SHUT OFF YOUR ENGINE [Micky shuts off the engine] WE CANNOT HEAR Y—!
Listen

Micky: It says here in the script—
Mike: Handbook!
Micky: —handbook.
Listen

Davy: For initiation, we kill our new members!
Listen

Mike: Now, now Butch… now look here Butch… you can’t… you can’t keep pushing me like this, Butch. You’re gonna get, uh, too far with it here in a minute… and I’m not going any farther!
Butch: How come?
Mike: Well, because I can’t get over this desk.
Peter: No more room!
Listen

Mike: Order, order, can I have some order please?
Davy: Uh, bagel with cream cheese and a cream soda…
Mike: Not that.
Peter: Don’t do that.
Davy: Oh, excuse me.
Listen

43. A Coffin Too Frequent

Davy: Hey, I’d didn’t know you could read.
Peter: I’ve been able to read since I was fifteen years old.
Listen

Henry Weatherspoon: I told you, I am a scientist.
Micky: A mad scientist?
Henry Weatherspoon: No, but I will be if he keeps making those remarks!
Listen

Micky: Now that’s a trip!
Listen

Peter: I know why everybody joins hands at a seance.
Davy: To make sure they have contact?
Peter: No, ’cause they’re scared silly.
Listen

44. Hitting the High Seas

Harry Hooker: Reynolds!
Frank Reynolds: Here!
Harry Hooker: Dolenz!
Micky: Here, sir.
Harry Hooker: Tork.
[Micky and Davy begin talking]
Harry Hooker: Shut up!
Davy: But you said we could talk!
Harry Hooker: Shut! Up!
Listen

Captain: Take him to the galley!
Davy: Oh please! Not the galley! Oh the galley! No please, don’t hang me! Don’t hang me!
Micky: No no no, not the gallows, the galley!
Davy: Oh. You had me worried for a minute there. Heh heh.
Listen

Peter: We said “single handed mutinies never work, stranger”!
Captain: “Stranger”? I thought you came aboard with him!
Davy: Him? Nah! We’ve never seen him before! We wouldn’t hang around with long haired weirdoes like that, would we?
Peter: Dirty Commie!
Davy: Yea!
Listen

Peter: I’m innocent! I never impersonated a parrot in my life! I can’t even do a good cow! Moo?
Listen

45. Monkees In Texas

Peter: BANG! BANG BANG BANG! BANG! BANG BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Davy: What is this “bang bang bang” stuff?
Peter: Well, I hate violence. Besides, I have more shells than you. BANG BANG BANG!
Listen

Black Bart: Have you had enough, nestors?
Mike: The name is NESMITH, and if you’re gonna scream it out here in the middle of the war, get it right! That’s NESMITH!
Peter: I thought Mike’s name was Nestor.
Mike: N-E-P-K-Y-O-R-J-B—
Aunt Kate Nesmith: No, “nestor” means “farmer”, he’s right, he means “nestors”!
Mike: Ohh. Oh, hey, I’m sorry, ah, I didn’t realize, you know, and it seems like you were right in the first place, so go ahead with your speech!
Listen

Mike: I’m afraid I don’t know this lady here… oh my…
Aunt Kate Nesmith: Don’t you remember your baby cousin Lucy?
Mike: Huh? Lu—Lucy! Are you Lu—well, what, well, whatever happened to the, the buck teeth the knobby kneed, uh, string haired, bad complexion, little girl that I used to hang around with?
Aunt Kate Nesmith: That’s your other cousin, Clara. She still looks the same.
Mike: Oh merciful heavens.
Listen

[Peter is dressed as an Indian]
Peter: Hey Micky, how come I have to wear all this?
Micky: ’Cause Aunt Kate said they don’t like strangers in town. Besides, you look very psychedelic.
Peter: Oh, heh heh. [said like an Indian] How!
Micky: Well, it’s the peace symbol and the beads mostly. Come on, let’s go.
Listen

The Marshall: Oh, I can’t come this afternoon, I’m busy shooting.
Micky: Oh, outlaws?
The Marshall: My TV series.
Listen

Ben Cartwheel: Water my horse, will you son?
Davy: Water your horse? I’m not a stable boy!
Ben Cartwheel: I don’t care about your mental condition, water my horse!
Listen

[woman approaches Micky when he walks into the bar]
Micky: Not now, this is a family show! Yeesh!
Listen

Red: [to Micky] I think you’re bluffin’!
Peter: [amused] How did you know, Red?
Listen

Black Bart: Are you a killer?
Micky: Yeah, sure, I’m a killer.
Black Bart: [pushes Peter to Micky] Well kill him!
Micky: I can’t, I can’t kill him. He’s my best friend, I’ve known him for two yea—
Black Bart: Ahh!
Micky: Oh, we’re in a lot of trouble.
Listen

Aunt Kate Nesmith: Ben Cartwheel’s the kindest millionaire in the whole valley. He wouldn’t hurt a fly!
Micky: Flies, no, but if you’re a human, he’ll kill ya!
Listen

46. Monkees On The Wheel

Peter: [with a British accent] You must be joking!
Davy: That’s my line!
Peter: [with a British accent] I’m sorry.
Davy: You must be joking!
Listen

Davy: Maintenance men don’t come that short.
Peter: Yes they do—I mean, he, he’s not so short. Hey, show us, stand up and show them how tall you are.
Biggy: I am standing up!
Listen

Micky: [sings] Della, sweet as any fella, Della…
Davy: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Micky, Micky, she has a line, she has a line!
Della: No.
Davy: You don’t have a line?
Micky: [sings] Della, Della…
Listen

Policeman: Now where’s the money?
Mike: Some crooks stole it.
Policeman: The stolen money you stole was stolen?
Mike: Yeah, uh, yeah.
Policeman: C’mon, you can think of a better story than that?
Mike: Okay, dig, uh, there was this uh, bean you see… with this cow that this cat had that he got for some beans…
Policeman: What was his name?
Mike: Jack.
Others: Yeah, Jack.
Peter: And he grew up into this beanstalk.
Listen

Guy: Take this Wizard Glick!
Mike: Ooh! Guh! …who?
Guy: Wizard Glick.
Mike: Man, I’m not Wizard Glick.
Guy: Oh you’re not? Oh, sorry… [walks away]
Mike: No, I’m not Wizard…
Listen

Micky: Number please, professor.
Peter: 212 green.
Micky: 2… 212 green?
Manager: 212 green? Are you nuts? Put some glass in those glasses you dumb dumb!
Micky: There’s no 212 green.
Peter: They can’t win.
Micky: Good thinking!
Listen

Mike: Now then, over here, yeah. For all practical purposes y’see, the show is over, but we have in the television industry what they call a “tag”, which is some sort of just complete laugh-riot at the end of a show, so that you all tune in next week, you see, because it’s so hilarious. The tag we’re gonna do this week is called a “Here We Go Again” tag, and Davy and Peter and gonna do it and it involves Micky [quickly cut to picture of Micky].
Davy: To think none of this would’ve happened if Micky [quickly cut to picture of Micky] hadn’t got the gambling bug.
Peter: Boy, but we’re not gonna get involved in that scene again, are we Micky? [quickly cut to picture of Micky]
Davy: Never again.
Peter: Micky? [quick cut to Micky] Micky? [quick cut to Micky]
Davy: Micky? [quick cut to Micky]
Peter: Micky? [quick cut to Micky]
Mike: Okay, now wait a minute, now hold it guys, y’see cut over to Micky and you see him playing with a gambling machine. [cut to Micky]
Mike: And now you cut back to us… [cut to Micky]
Mike: And now you cut back to us… [cut to Micky]
Mike: And now you cut back to us… [cut to Micky]
Mike: And now you cut back to us, and we’re supposed to give a pained look to the camera… Isn’t that funny kids? A ha ha ha ha…
Listen

47. The Christmas Show

Butler: There must be some mistake, we were expecting four gentlemen.
Mike: Would you accept four ladies who shave?
Listen

[Peter rides in on a bike]
Salesgirl: Where’d he come from?
Davy: Through the studio gates and right on the set here.
Listen

Doctor: Uh, that’ll be twenty dollars.
Davy: Twenty dollars?
Doctor: Well, since it’s the Christmas holiday… make it $19.95.
Davy: Ah, well that’s a much better deal, that is, isn’t it?
Listen

Micky: How come I’m all clean and you’re all dirty?
Davy: Don’t you mean how come you’re all dirty and I’m all clean?
Micky: Yeah!
Davy: Well you see, you’re always on about me being little teeny tiny weenie little David, y’see, so I figured I’d come down the middle of the chimney and avoid the sides, y’see?
Listen

48. Fairy Tale

Mike: Ooh! Wow! What a great lookin’ chick!
Peter: She’s beautiful.
Princess Gwen: Harold, get me outta the mud, will ya please!?
Mike: She’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever laid eyes on! Look at those sideburns and that body!
Listen

Princess Gwen: HAROLD, YOU BETTER GET THIS CARRIAGE OUTTA THE MUD!
Listen

Fairy of the Locket: Who called the Fairy of the Locket?
Peter: Locket? Uh, I guess I did.
Fairy of the Locket: Well call back later, I was having my hair done. Bye.
Listen

Fairy of the Locket: But remember, you must not drop, or crush, or lose the locket.
Micky: Ah, ’cause it’ll lose it’s magic, right.
Mike: Way to go, Mick!
Fairy of the Locket: No, ’cause I’ll be killed, stupid, it’s my home!
Listen

Peter: Why me? Why do I have to go into the scary forest and face the dragon and save the princess? I don’t even like her anymore!
Mike: Don’t even like her? Man, that’s the grooviest lookin’ chick I ever saw!
Listen

Goldilocks: Oh, don’t worry, nothing can happen to me.
Peter: How come?
Goldilocks: ’Cause I’m a mean little girl!
Listen

Micky: We’ll split up, go in three separate directions, leave a trail of breadcrumbs wherever you go, and we’ll follow them back.
Mike: What if the birds eat the crumbs?
Micky: Follow the birds.
Mike: Hey, good thinking!
Listen

Princess Gwen: Waita minute you dingbat, who’s gonna feed the goldfish?
Listen

Peter: Princess?
Princess Gwen: Yes?
Peter: Princess, will you marry me?
Princess Gwen: No, I won’t marry you!
Peter: You won’t marry me?
Princess Gwen: Of course not, man!
Peter: Why won’t you marry—Michael!
Princess Gwen: Yeah, I’m already married, man, you know, Phyllis and Christian…
Mike: Oh wow, she’s married, man, what a bummer!
Peter: Well, it’s a good thing you thought of it.
Listen

49. Monkees Watch Their Feet

Davy: Micky, I thought you were putting your clothes on!
Micky: Yeah, I did put my clothes on! But my clothes took off! Could it be my clothes are putting me on?
Listen

The Secretary: Is this young man the world’s fastest exhibitionist? Is this the work of an overly amourous teeny bopper?
Listen

The Secretary: Here he comes, walking down the beach. He gets the funniest looks from everyone he meets.
Listen

Davy: Hey Micky, isn’t that a spaceship over there?
The Secretary: Notice the powerfully persuasive argument of the alien.
Micky: What does a spaceship look like?
Davy: Well, I dunno, I never saw one before.
Micky: Then how do you know it is a spaceship?
Peter: He’s right, man, it’s probably some new drive-in.
Listen

Micky: They also have insufferable tortures here on earth. [phone rings] Whenever a pussycat cries, they tear off its head, then they holler in its ear, and then they put the head back on the body, I don’t know how it stays alive!
Listen

Davy: Micky, what’re you doing?
Micky: I’m going to dispose of all of you.
Peter: Oh, that’s good. For a minute I thought he was trying to get rid of us.
Listen

Micky: Micky is in the spaceship. They are questioning him before we invade.
Peter: Oh, well they won’t find out much from Micky.
Micky: Why not?
Peter: Well, he doesn’t know too much.
Listen

50. Monstrous Monkee Mash

Davy: What a kiss! I’ve never felt this way before!
Loreli: You fool! It is not my kiss, but the magic necklace!
Davy: What a necklace! I’ve never felt this way before!
Listen

Count Dracula: Won’t you come in?
Micky: On second thought, no!
Mike: Now wait a minute, uh, we’re friends of Davy Jones.
Loreli: Won’t you come in?
Micky: On third thought, yes!
Listen

Mike: This is a book here that tells you how to be a vampire.
Micky: Me be a vampire? I don’t wanna be a vampire! Why does it tell me to be a vampire, Mike? Why?
Mike: It’s not you, it’s everybody.
Listen

Bat: I vant to drink your blood!
Peter: That’s not at all nice to say.
Bat: I vant to sip your blood!
Peter: Much better.
Listen

Micky: I told Davy a thousand times, man, stop hanging around with vampires!
Listen

Mike: Now look, if the uncle comes back in, pretend that everything is ga-roovy.
Listen

[Wolfman menacingly comes towards Loreli]
Loreli: What do you want, Wolfman, what do you want?
Davy: He wants a better percentage of the profits, he wants cookouts on the weekends, and… he wants to play his own music!
Listen

Peter: Aren’t you Davy’s girl?
Loreli: No, no!
Peter: Oh, well…! What a kiss! I’ve never felt this way before!
Loreli: You fool! It was not my kiss, but the magic necklace!
Peter: What a necklace! I’ve never felt this way before!
Listen

Mike: Peter!
Mike and Micky: He’s gone!
Listen

Micky: You oughta get a hair cut, they won’t let you in Disneyland.
Listen

Micky: What a kiss! I’ve never felt this way before!
Loreli: You fool! It is not my kiss, but the magic necklace!
Micky: What a necklace! I’ve never felt this way be—
Loreli: Oh, shut up.
Listen

Mike: Pardon me, do you have an eraser?
Listen

Micky: What are you doing in here, this is our fantasy!
Davy: Yeah, yeah, we’re The Monkees! You see in every show we do a fantasy sequence where we romp around and jump and do funny things, and nobody interrupts us—nobody!
Listen

Mike: Here I am, Mummy Man!
Count Dracula: You are the Mummy Man?
Mike: Watch this… MUMMY!
Wolfman: [scared noises]
Listen

51. The Monkee’s Paw

Mendrek (Micky): I came all this way to, to, to find The High Llama. Where is he?
The Regular Llama (Mike): Oh, well, I’m afraid you’re out of luck. He’s out back, sleepin’ it off.
Mendrek (Micky): You don’t mean…!
The Regular Llama (Mike): Yeah, that’s what I mean, that’s how he got his name.
Listen

Davy: Go toe, go! Sock it to me, baby! Heh! That’s a pun! Heh heh, heh heh!
Listen

Mike: Oh, Micky, come on. You can talk, there’s nothin’ wrong with your voice.
Peter: Are you kidding? Have you ever heard him sing?
Listen

Mike: No, man, he can’t come… Well, I don’t care who you are, he uh, he can’t come… Well, because he don’t like barbeque, I guess… I don’t know… hoo, what a pushy guy.
Listen

Peter: It’s simple! All we do is teach him to talk!
Davy: How…?
Mike: What… did you say?
Davy: [laughs] …how!
Listen

Davy: Ah, it’s no good, he, he won’t be able to sing tonight. He can’t even say “pencil”!
Mike: Do you suppose it has anything to do with the fact that this is a crayon?
Micky: Now “crayon” I can say!
Listen

Davy: Monkey’s paw… monkey’s paw… monkey’s paw… monkey’s… you know, I can’t find it anywhere!
Mendrek’s Daughter: I think you spell “monkey” with a “y”.
Davy: Oh really? I always thought you spelled it with two “e”s.
Listen

52. The Devil And Peter Tork

Mike: So that’s uh, that’s what [cuckoo] is all about.
Davy: Yeah. [cuckoo] is pretty scary.
Micky: You know what’s even more scary?
Peter: What?
Micky: You can’t say [cuckoo] on television!
Listen

Mike: Oh, I remember reading in the paper where, because, due to lack of interest, tomorrow was cancelled.
Listen

Micky: Your honour! I insist that the, uh, prosecution call another witness!
Judge: On what grounds?
Micky: On the uh, on the grounds that umm, the television show’s not over, and we have to have one more. Heh.
Listen

Mike: If you love music, man, you can play music.
Listen

53. Monkees Race Again

T.N. Crumpetts: I say, Peter, would you care for another spot of tea?
Peter: No thanks, I have several spots already! Ahah, ahah!
Listen

Baron Von Klutz: Gag him!
T.N. Crumpetts: There’s enough gags in this show already.
Listen

Peter: You know, your pitch is lousy, but you have a pretty good voice. If we don’t find Micky, would you like to join our group?
Listen

Mike: What is this gun thing?
Wolfgang: Well, now, now just a minute, we’ve got to have the gun, after all, it’s a prop, ahah!
Mike: That’s horrible, man…
Peter: Put that away!
Mike: It’s bad enough that you’re with a uniform and everything…
Peter: And all the guns on television and everything… it’s bad enough we have a tuning fork!
Listen

Official: Well, it’s all right with me, except for one thing.
Peter: Yeah, what’s that?
Official: I don’t think he’ll be able to see over the wheel!
Listen

Davy: I think I’m a little high.
Listen

Micky: Boy, you sure got a lousy part!
Listen

Micky: You flew all the way to Hollywood for this part?
Listen

54. The Monkees In Paris

James Frawley: I got a nice, tight close-up of the monkey.
Listen

55. Monkees Mind Their Manor

Mike: Now look, you’ll be just fine as long as you remember everything that I taught you.
Davy: But you didn’t teach me anything!
Mike: Well then, fake it!
Listen

Crowd: Boo! Boo!
Lance Kibbee: Booze! I’ll drink to that!
Listen

Lance Kibbee: Why can’t you sing?
Sir Twiggley Topper Middle Bottom: Because I have no experience!
Lance Kibbee: Bah! I saw four boys on television the other night and it would’ve astounded you!
Sir Twiggley Topper Middle Bottom: Really?
Lance Kibbee: You can sing!
Listen

Peter: I just wanted to give all our viewers and, and listeners who’ve been so nice to us, I wanted to give them our Christmas message which is about love and peace and—
Mike: Now wait a—hold it. You can’t, man, come on, it’s the middle of February, you can’t give them a Christmas message now.
Peter: Well, why not?
Mike: Why not? Well because, you just, you don’t, buh wuh uh… mm…
Listen

56. Some Like It Lukewarm

Micky: Money, money, anything for money!
Listen

Micky: I think he’s cute.
Peter: You would.
Listen

Micky: He likes you.
Peter: All you have to do is go out with him and we’re a cinch to win!
Mike: Yeah, as a matter of fact, if you let him kiss you, you might own a television station!
Davy: One more remark like that and I’ll hit you with me purse.
Listen

Daphne: Wait, my darling! You forgot your high… heels?
Listen

Daphne: …and you’re only wearing one shoe!
Davy: Well, that’s what happens when you get dressed in the dark! Ha!
Listen

Jerry Blavat: Oh! Yeah! Girls! My heart is now amended.
Listen

57. Monkees Blow Their Minds

Frank (as Mike): You know that after I quit the show, I’m gonna join The Byrds, don’t ya?
Mike (as Frank): No, I didn’t know that.
Frank (as Mike): When you quit The Mothers, who are you gonna join?
Mike (as Frank): I may join The Byrds, too.
Listen

Mike: Tell me, Frank Zappa, I’ve always wanted to have you show me how to conduct, because I heard you were really spiffy at it.
Frank: Well, you follow me, that’s where we’re…
Mike: Come on, you’re on television, I’m just one of these unpopular musicians. Teach me!
Frank: No, it’s the other way around. You’re a popular musician, I’m dirty, gross, and ugly.
Listen

Oracula: Eh, Mr. Tork, why don’t you join me in a cup of tea?
Peter: Do you think we’ll both fit?
Listen

Micky: Uh, well, bye, Pete. Later, Pete. Listen, don’t forget to write, Pete. And uh, remember, the door’s always open to ya, Pete, uh, you can come home to the pad and all your friends, but write first ’cause we’re renting your room!
Listen

Oraculo: Now, I want you to free your mind of all thought… good, now, uh, how do you feel?
Mike: Umm, oh, uh, thoughtless.
Listen

Oraculo: You fool! That’s not the way to the door!
Peter: Well, what do you expect from a psychic slave?
Listen

Mike: Don’t do that.
Davy: Don’t do that.
Peter: Thanks, Mick.
Listen

58. Mijacogeo - The Frodis Caper

Micky: Wait, that’s not a test pattern, it was unbelievable!
Mike: You’re tellin’ me it was unbelievable? And you think that was somethin’, you oughta see what happens after the commercial!
Listen

Davy: Nyles! Oh no! Has the TV got you too?
Nyles: What TV? Man, I’m always like this…
Listen

Mike: Hey, wait a minute guys! You know what? It’s 7:30/6:30 central time! It’s time for “The Monkees”! I wonder if anybody around here’s got a television set?
Listen

Micky: No, no, it’s a chant I learned when I sent in a cereal box top!
Listen

Micky: It’s working… it’s working…
Mike: How do you know…? How do you know…?
Micky: I saw the last scene… I saw the last scene…
Listen